Day 19: How Did You Feel the Moment You Became a Parent?
The answer to this question greatly depends on when you consider that parenthood began. Personally, I think it's when you see a positive pregnancy test (or in some cases know your adoption is going through). From that moment on, you know you have created life. You are solely responsible for taking care of yourself in order to care for this little one. And, no matter what happens, you already love this baby. For others, they may believe parenthood begins the moment you meet your baby. So, I'll give my reactions to both:
The moment I got my first positive pregnancy test, I just stared at the test, smiled, and got back in bed (it was very early in the morning on a Saturday) holding the stick in my hand and taking it all in - that I had a baby growing inside my body. It was surreal. It was hard to believe. I wanted to take several more tests to be sure; I was scared to trust just this little stick on such a big deal. I was excited - barely able to keep it all in through the entire day until I could tell Sam after the TX/OU football game that afternoon. I couldn't wait to share the news with our families and friends. I felt like I was on top of the world!
The moment I saw Banner's face, my first thought was something along the lines of, "Oh my God! THAT'S my baby?" He was bluish-grey in color because he was in a bit of distress before birth. He was wrinkly, scrunched up, his mouth was huge and screaming a fairly weak cry (at first). I was squeezing Sam's hand, and I was worried that the baby wasn't making enough noise. "Breathe! Cry! Cry, baby! He needs to be louder, Sam!" I kept saying. Finally, there was a loud cry, and I could relax a little bit. It hurt my neck to look to see the baby, and my eyes were wanting to close so badly. While I remember it well, it all happened so fast and was surreal and foggy - like each moment jumped to the next. I was disappointed in how my birth experience went, but I was so relieved that my baby was okay. Later that day, I just wanted to sleep - but I had this baby that needed to eat! I remember thinking, "Okay, Baby. You go to sleep, and I'll see you in the morning," and then realizing that's not how this arrangement works. :) I KNEW these things, but the submersion in it and the realization of how fast it comes and hits is a different story. You just can't prepare for this kind of life change no matter how much you know already. For the next couple weeks, I remember thinking, "Wait. So, this is my life now? I won't be sleeping in like... ever! There are no weekends off or holidays when I get a break. This is it! And, he'll be here forever - like 5 years from now, we'll be doing the same thing, and 10 years, and 15 years..." It was daunting at the time. But now, at a more rested, less hormonal place in my life, I can say I PRAY he'll be here forever - God-willing, he'll be here forever!
I loved Banner right away, but the things I felt at that time were overwhelming. I'm not one of those moms who felt "on a high" right away. That took time. And, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by that anymore. I admit fully that I had a bit of "the baby blues." I still wish I could go back and redo that experience and be in a better emotional place - for myself, but more importantly for Banner. I owed him better. I wasn't a bad mom - I just wish I could go back and do it over better. It makes me sad that I can't. I learned the biggest lesson in looking back, though - and it's to try my best to just be with him. I want to live my life as his mom without regret. I know it may not be possible, and in some ways, it's inevitable that I'll screw it up the first time around with him, my firstborn. I also learned that what Banner really needs, and what I really need, is to just be his biggest fan. After the first couple weeks (okay, maybe month or 2!), I started realizing that my job as his parent isn't to complain about my lack of sleep or anxiety level or inability to leave the house in a timely manner - it was to be one of two people who love him more than any person on the planet. Nothing else mattered. And, since I got that through my thick skull, it's been a different story. The first weeks of parenting were not sunshine and rainbows. I wish they had been. But, I know better now, and I advocate for moms who don't see the sunshine and rainbows right away. And, I've learned that the best way to get to them faster is to be honest and open. So I am.
Other feelings I had that day: I couldn't wait to introduce Banner to our family. I was so excited to let them hear his name for the first time then. I LOVED holding him. I did NOT like trying to feed him since it was not working for either of us. But, my favorite time with him was just having him skin-to-skin on my chest (we called this "baby crack"). I loved propping him up on my pillow and just staring at him, watching his slow newborn movements. He was strong, and he was smart - I knew it right from the start. And, he still very much is! When I look at my big boy now, I can still see glimpses of my 6 pound 13 ounce sweet newborn, and that makes me happy because I miss that itty-bitty baby who made me "Mommy!"
*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, Day 7, Day 8, Day 9, Day 10, Day 11, Day 12, Day 13, Day 14, Day 15, Day 16, Day 17, Day 18
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