30 Things in 30 Days (#2: Fears)

Yesterday, I started 30 Things in 30 Days. I will be completing a list of writing topics to share more about me with my kids. One day, I hope they'll read this list and learn more about me, my thoughts, my history. Today's topic is definitely more intense than yesterday's light-hearted randomness.

Day 2: Describe 3 Legitimate Fears You Have and Explain How They Became Fears

I'm lucky that very little of the everyday "mundane" things scare me. I'm not terrified of heights or thunderstorms or airplanes. I'm not afraid of snakes or spiders. I try to avoid cockroaches, rodents, tornadoes, and generally having a crowd of people looking at me, but I wouldn't say they are "legitimate" fears. The fears I have are huge, and they are the existential fears most parents have.

1.  My number one fear is something horrific happening to one or both of my children. I worry for their safety and health all the time, like all parents do. My heart skips a beat when I see the school calling my cell phone. I get excited to hear that my kids are healthy after each doctor's appointment, as I never take their good health for granted. I don't take my eyes off Banner at a playground, especially since he's a "runner." The stories in the news or circulating on Facebook don't help alleviate any of these fears - childhood cancer, school shootings, sexual abuse, abductions. I cannot imagine (and I hope I never come close to having to imagine) how parents deal with their child being in pain or hurt or betrayed in such horrible ways. I have to say, too, that this fear started the minute I knew I was pregnant with Banner. Once that stick showed I was carrying a baby, the fear of losing that baby showed up, too. It's the ONLY thing I cannot stand (okay, I can't stand the reflux/indigestion either) about being pregnant: the constant fear that something will go wrong or be wrong with my baby.

2.  The second fear I have is death. And, not just mine. Too often, I'm anxious about something happening to my loved ones. Maybe since Sam's accident, maybe since Mom's 2nd round with breast cancer, maybe since Leslie's sudden, unexpected death, maybe since my friend lost her husband suddenly... not sure which caused it, but I'm so scared of losing my family. When my mom is on a flight, I'm a wreck. When Sam takes a road trip, I'm uneasy. And, again, there are too many stories in our faces all the time about a child losing his/her parent at a young age. I don't want my kids to know a life without me (or Sam) until we have met THEIR grandchildren! I blog for them - so that they will remember me if, God-forbid, anything happened that prevented me from being here to tell them all about when they were this little. In the event of my death, Sam has strict instructions to publish every blog post that hasn't been published yet just so the kids would see everything I've written. I want them to know my recipes, our daily lives, our big events, my feelings about how they're growing and changing, what they are like through MY eyes. 

3.  My third fear is that my memory will fade. My dad's mother, my Granny, had Alzheimer's for many years before she died when I was 16. She was put in a nursing home when I was only 4. I would hate to have lived such a great life only to end up not remembering any of it or anyone in it. I've always feared that the ultimate irony would be that someone like me with an amazing long-term memory would end up with Alzheimer's and forget it all. So, again, I write... to remember, to reflect, to record. Because one day, even if I can't be the one to tell them all about it - my writing can. And maybe, just maybe, it will be the one way I can find my way back if my memory gets lost.