When I started this blog, I made it a hard fast rule to never write about my "in-laws." There was so much I could have written in the early days of engagement, wedding planning, and being married just because joining a family that exists well without your presence is beyond difficult, and it lends itself to lots of great posts about how to build a bridge between "your" family and "his" family. But, I felt that this particular area of "newlywed-hood" was simply best left untouched as I figured out how to develop bonds and relationships with each "new" member of my family. Until now.
Mostly, I want to write about your Bubbie, Daddy's mommy... my mother-in-law. Earlier this week, Bubbie died suddenly and unexpectedly. You are only four (and a half) months old, and you spent very little time with her in your short life thus far. I'm so sad that Bubbie and you were not given enough time to get to know each other. I want you to know just how much she was looking forward to meeting you. I remember the night Daddy and I told her that we were expecting a baby (YOU!) on Thanksgiving Day of 2010. Her response is crystal clear in my mind today as she shouted with exuberant excitement: "GET OUT! GET OUT!!!" She was so thrilled - smiled ear to ear with a grin I was so happy to see! She was SO excited about you. She couldn't wait to help offer names when she found out you were a boy. She would send text messages to Daddy and to me, and she created lists of names from A-Z (literally!) that she thought would be nice for you.
Your Bubbie knew me from the time I was 16 years old and on. She used to love to call me late at night, even when I was still a teenager, just to get to know me better. She told me that she loved how easily I could talk to her and to Zaide when I would go visit Daddy at their house - even before we were dating. Although she often shared WAY too much information about her private life, and she often forgot she was talking to a girl much younger than herself, she always seemed to know just how special my relationship was with Daddy. She wanted us to be together so badly, and even when the timing wasn't right for Daddy and me to be together, she was our cheerleader and reminded us to give it time, to not give up.
She loved your Zaide so much, too. He was certainly the love of her life, and she used to tell me that she loved him the most in life and that she could hate him the most in life too. She taught me that when I get upset with Daddy and feel so angry, it's only because I love him so much that it can hurt so badly.
She loved music, movies, and talking on the phone. She loved her family so much, but she liked her alone time, too. Nothing she said was short and "to-the-point," but that's what made talking to her so funny and special. We'd venture off-topic numerous times during a conversation, and she'd often pause and say, "I don't know how we got to that!" She was funny and goofy. She was lively and spiritual. She made great green bean casserole and would make it special for me many times.
She was soothing and calming. Once, when Aunt Gayle asked Bubbie to come over and help her babysit you, the moment you heard Bubbie's voice, you calmed. They told me that you looked at her face with awe and wonder. You knew her.
I could probably name all the dates and the occasions that you spent time with Bubbie, and this makes me glad to have these memories but so sad that they were so few. To name a few/most of them: your birth day, two days later at the hospital, your Bris, Father's Day, Daddy/Zaide's birthday celebration, when she spent the night with us, a couple times she babysat while I went to the doctor/dentist, July 4th, when she brought Miles over because he wanted to visit you, your Baby Naming, Labor Day, and October 2 (the last day I saw her). Interestingly, Daddy saw her on October 6 for a date night with her - to see the musical, West Side Story. That was the last night he saw her, and when Daddy and I went to the State Fair, on October 15 - that was the last time you spent time with her. So, Daddy and I like that we can tell you how YOU saw her more recently than either of us!
Your Bubbie had great legs, she loved watching family videos over and over again, and she said being at our wedding was like being in a movie. She told me several times that she couldn't wait to be a grandparent with Grandma; she said she thought they would be wonderful grandparents together. She said she could just see them together at birthdays helping out, laughing together, and loving their grandchildren. I'm so, so sad that she never got more than 4 months of that time. But, I know her spirit will live on, and she'll be at every one of your birthday parties!
It hurts so much to think that Bubbie is not with us any longer. I know how much Daddy, Zaide, and your aunts loved having her around. She was cookey and silly, she was full of words and wisdom, she was real and down-to-earth. She could make you laugh and make you cry in the same phone message - which typically lasted at least 2 minutes long. She said things like, "Flush as you go" when talking about going to the bathroom, "Look out for the other guy" when we left to drive somewhere, and "You're grounded!" when she was teasing us about something we said that she disapproved of. She loved being pregnant, much like I did. She had a contagious laugh, and she was a great storyteller, . . . sometimes she told the same ones over and over again, too. I can't tell you how many times I heard the story of Daddy's birth!
She kept the entire extended family in touch, and she knew all the gossip and updates on everyone. She took great pride in keeping her home looking and smelling clean. She loved to massage Daddy's head... she thought massaging his upper forehead would stimulate hair growth when he was little - but we laughed with her about how she probably caused his receding hairline. She welcomed me into her family with open, loving arms, and she thought of me as her own daughter ... in fact, she wished I had been more willing to call her Mom, or Mom J.
Bubbie knew how to calm me when I was scared. Once, when Daddy had his wisdom teeth out, he actually fainted at home that night. I dialed Bubbie's number faster than I ever had before - I didn't know I knew her number that fast!! - and she was over in two minutes helping me take care of Daddy. I was scared and unsure of what to do, and she fixed it. Another time was Daddy's bad car accident within the same year of our wedding. I needed to see Bubbie that night, when I was scared and unsure of how hurt Daddy was. We hugged and cried together, and I knew she understood how terrified I was. I'm sad that the one person who loved your Daddy as much as I did - the one person who could share that deep "can't live without you" love - is gone. I'm sad that I don't know how to make Cream of Wheat for Daddy the way Bubbie did. I'm sad that sometimes, when Daddy just wants his own Mommy, he won't have her - and I won't hug him just the way she did or rub his head just the way she did. I can't replace her, and that's not my job - but I really miss her FOR him. And for you, sweet boy. I miss all the memories you never got to make with her. I miss the joy you would have continued to bring to her. I hate that your siblings (if you ever have any!) won't ever know her, and she'll never know them.
In our religion, it is considered a mitzvah (a good deed) to help bury someone who has died. It is the last gift you can give that person, to help bury his/her body and lay him/her to rest. Daddy shoveled dirt onto Bubbie's coffin, and then I did. And, then together, we both used the shovel to place dirt over Bubbie's coffin for you. I want you to know this because I want you to feel that you were a part of her funeral and burial. I want you to know that we helped you give Bubbie a big gift, the last gift anyone can give. Bubbie knew those shovel scoops were from you, and it was the hardest three scoops I've ever shoveled. Through tears, I told her that you loved her. I told her that you would know all about her.
Bubbie believed in an afterlife, she believed in God or something greater than herself, and she believed in reincarnation. I'm hopeful that she believed correctly and that she's happy wherever she is. I believe if she's right that she will be with you every single day - watching over you and wanting you to be happy and healthy. I know she loved you and continues to love you now. I'm so sorry you won't get to know her, but I'm glad that she knew about you, that she knew you were a strong, healthy boy, that you smiled and laughed for her, that you calmed for her, and that she felt you in her arms. I can't wait to tell you more about her, your Bubbie, and I hope you know that she is a part of you, and we are so grateful that you are here!
Love,
Mommy
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| Your first picture with Bubbie |
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| Your last picture with Bubbie |
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