Guilt: A New State of Being

I'm going back to work in a couple of days. I've been dreading this week for at least five months now, and I can't believe it's finally here. I've tried my best to put it out of my mind until it actually arrives, but it's always been hovering over my head like a guillotine ready to fall. I know I had a lot more time with Banner than other working moms get with their kids before maternity leave runs out, so I'm not complaining. My pregnancy fell at a beautiful time considering that I work for a school district. . . a summer birth right after the last week of school gave me 2 free months without having to take time off, then FMLA allowed me 60 work days off to be a mom getting to know my baby.  I couldn't have planned it better (well, I didn't "plan" it that way; it just sort of happened like that)! But, that doesn't take away from the pain, anxiety, sadness that comes with having to go back to the work force and leave my son with other caretakers. Luckily, for the next several weeks before the holidays, my mom will be taking care of him each day. There's no one who would take better care of him, so I will feel comfortable being at work - at least until January when he starts daycare.

But, the point of this posting is all about the guilt I have felt as a mom since the day Banner was born. Why? Well, because no matter what I do, I feel worried and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing by him. Here's yet another glimpse into my thinking from day to day:

I should be a stay-at-home mom and spend every moment with Banner. No, I should be a working mom and show him how important it is to have a job. I should show him how great it is that women can work and have a family, and I should use the degrees I worked so hard to get to teach my child about higher education and the importance of learning. I should spend more time interacting with him. No, I should leave him to entertain himself more often. I don't know what's wrong; why's he crying? I should fix it! No, I should let him cry-it-out; he needs to learn how to soothe himself. I should let him sleep. No, he sleeps too much! I should get a nanny so he doesn't get germs at daycare. No, he needs to go to daycare to be exposed to germs to build immunities. I need to make his room colder, he's going to get hot. No, his room needs to be warmer, he's going to freeze. Sam and I should go out alone more often because that's good for Banner, too. But, no, we should spend as much time with him as we can. Banner wakes too easily when there's noise, so I should be extra quiet during sleep times. No, I should have been louder when he was a newborn (which I was!), and/or I should just go about my day and he'll have to learn to sleep though it! He loves the TV - I'll let him watch a little. No, studies show that's awful for kids under 2; I should turn it off.  Banner loves the bath, I should let him stay in it longer. But, no, it'll dry out his skin if I let him take a longer bath. He shouldn't fall asleep in the swing for naps, it's not good for him. But, he loves it and doesn't fight sleep that way, so maybe it's okay. He wants his pacifier, I should let him have it as much as possible. No, he's going to have speech problems, or he'll end up being dependent on it too much. Oh, and, the whole breastfeeding issues - but let's not go there again!

Ay ay ay! The never ending cycle of thoughts that contradict each other and create more guilt on my part! It's ridiculous, but it's a universal, common feeling. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts - although I may over-analyze much too often - something that I'm well-known for and often, yes, guilty of more than I'd like to be. But, taking care of a tiny, helpless, innocent, beautiful creature that I brought into this world puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. And, for whatever reason, mothers seem to be the ones to worry more often. Sam would tell you I need to chill out, but that's a lot easier said than done. I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope, trying hard not to teeter too much to one side and do the "wrong" thing - if there is a "wrong" thing. It's a balance that I want to keep even at all times, but that's just really hard to do. And, these decisions are not life-threatening decisions. . . they're actually kind of minor - but, they are decisions nonetheless.

So, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm just going to feel guilty most of my life when it comes to my child(ren). I figure I'll always be thinking, "I should have done this..." or "I could have done that..." - always questioning my choices and how they impact Banner's development, happiness, health, safety, comfort, future, and well-being. And, currently, this whole work thing is in the spotlight of concerns. So many working moms, so many stay-at-home moms... it really doesn't matter which, but you have to come to terms with your decision and know what's right for your own family, and I have a feeling this will be an ongoing decision. It's going to keep coming up. See, I told Sam last night that, in my mind, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Maybe that's because I have been for the past few months; maybe it's because I've always envisioned that when I was younger; maybe it's because I'm hoping that's in my future. Who knows... but it's causing mental discomfort when thinking of myself at work and my son somewhere else. I know there are pros and cons to both staying at home and to working, but either way I'll feel guilty . . . and be forewarned, if you read this blog often, you'll be reading a lot more on this topic in the future while I DO come to terms with this ever-changing, ever-frustrating decision! This is just another state of being, I guess. So, while I come to terms with being back at work, I'm going to think about it this way: I'm a stay-at-home mom who works just 5 days a week. :)