A Terrifying Miracle

Not even a month into our marriage, I wrote this blog, where in the middle I said, "My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him .... I'm terrified that forever will be too short. My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together." And, this past Thursday night, we had a reminder of this fear.

It was the last day of the school year, and the staff party was underway. After sitting outside for quite a while, I came in to check my cell phone. Seeing that Sam hadn't called and that there were no missed calls or messages, I went about continuing to visit with my coworkers. I was enjoying my time, but about 20 minutes after checking my phone, I decided I was ready to head home. As a friend of mine (Emily) and I were heading out after saying our goodbyes, I noticed I had literally JUST missed a call from my brother. My phone listed a long list of missed calls at this point - various numbers I did not know, one from Sam's sister, my mom, his mom, my brother, etc. It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. Putting it all together as I hit the "talk" button to call my brother back, I knew it was Sam, and I knew he had been in an accident. I had that eerie feeling when you know this is going to be bad as my brother said, "Where are you?" I said, "What happened? What's going on?" in a very serious, short voice. "Where are you?" he continued. I told him where I was, and he said, "Sammy's been in an accident." Trembling and trying not to puke, I looked for a place to sit while I listened to the details that he knew of at that point. People were beeping in, and when the number of the person whom I didn't know called in, I took the call and listened carefully as Donna (a bystander) told me what was happening on the highway where Sam had been hit.

She told me he was in and out of consciousness but he knew my name and phone number. She told me that 3 witnesses had confirmed that a car had clipped Sam's car, sending his Ford Explorer Sport flipping 3 times. She told me that the paramedics were on their way, but they weren't there yet. As I frantically thanked her, again trying not to throw up, I sat on the bench outside the staff party wondering what the hell to do next. Emily said she would take me to my mom's house until we knew which hospital Sam would be taken to. As we got in her car, the paramedics called me - telling me that Sam was alert and talking, aware of my name and number, and he was asking he talk to me. The paramedics told me they were taking him to Parkland hospital, and that I should get there quickly but not to "fly" there.

Emily started driving to Parkland. I called my brother who was with Mom, and I tried to reach Sam's parents unsuccessfully. My brother called me back and told Emily to pull over, that he and Mom would come get me since they were leaving the house already and could get me there faster. It felt like an eternity before I finally saw them pulling towards me. During that time, I had the most frantic, frightening thoughts. Here's a little peak into my stream-of-consciousness: what's happening, where is he, is he okay, stay with me, Sammy!, don't leave me, I'm with you now!!, Dear God let him be okay, we're not done with our life yet!, we want kids, we want to be happy for so much longer, what about our life insurance, what about our health insurance, I can't even think about living life without him, I want to cuddle with him, I won't sleep without him next to me, will he be able to walk or talk, what about our honeymoon, we have plans this weekend!, will he ever practice law again?, what the hell is happening?!, what about his car?, whose fault was this, what was going through his mind, how scared must he be right now, no one will ever know me the way he knows me and no one will ever make me laugh like he does, my mother can't handle this right now, Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; we only JUST had our wedding, what the hell is happening?!

There were SO many other thoughts, but that's just a glimpse. During the 100 mph drive down the Tollway, I continued to think and pray, pray and think. As I asked my brother to slow down, that I might puke, he said, "Amber, I'm trying to get you there." I asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me - to which he said no, that I was the one that talked to the paramedics. I still didn't believe him, though, as the last time I had been driven to Parkland Hospital in such a hurry was when my cousin was in critical condition; by the time we made it to the hospital on that night so many years ago, she was brain dead... so you can understand my fear and disbelief that I had the whole story; my brother probably had that same night running through his mind as he drove his little sister to meet her hurt husband at the same hospital. He asked what I was worried about as I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes trying not to throw up. I replied, "Every f*c^i#g thing you can think of!" It got quiet and Mom held my hand behind me. We hauled a$^ into the hospital, going through the back of the ER with my brother's resident badge. He told me to wait down the hallway, as he made his way to talk to the 10 or so doctors waiting outside Sam's room in the ER. It seemed like another eternity before he came back towards Mom and me - we were both ready to yell and scream and run down the hall, angry that no one was giving us any feedback. Seeing that many specialists did not feel reassuring. I continued to clasp my hands together - it was all I could control, the only thing I could do with myself to keep myself calm. It was in that very moment that I understood (in my opinion) why people pray with their hands together.

Finally, when my brother came back towards us, he said he's okay. He said he saw Sammy, and that Sam cried when he saw my brother. At some point, Sam's parents had come in to the ER as well. Seeing his mom and dad, I just began sobbing. I held his mom for a long time - just praying that he was okay. I knew Sam was alert and talking, but I didn't know the extent of the damage. My sister and Sam's sisters came soon after that. Then, the doctors called his parents and me back to his room to see him. He was bloody and bruising, and as I approached his bedside and went to gently kiss him, Sam wrinkled his face in a deep cry, happy to see us and very scared. He had a neck brace, and the doctors were about to wheel him out to get a CT scan after many X-rays he had already had. Through tears and broken speech, he said, "I love you. I love you so much."

I told him I loved him too, and I asked him to try to calm down as I stroked his forehead. A minute later, he was being taken out of the room for the scan. The doctor told us that if the CT scan came back okay, then they weren't too worried about him. I don't remember much else of what he said other than they were concerned about what looked like a fracture on his wrist. Faster than I thought, Sam was back in his room - and we were being told that the CT scan looked good - no bleeding in the brain. I asked the doctor if Sam had feeling everywhere, if he could stand, etc. They were not worried about paralysis at all.

Many doctors came in and out throughout the 6-7 hours we were there. They determined his wrist was not broken. They checked his ears which were bleeding, and they determined they were just swollen. He had a bleeding gash on the top of his head, and his knuckles and wrists were cut up. He had debris/glass all around his face - near his eyes and some even in his teeth. It wasn't pretty, but it was a lot better than it could have been! Sam continued to cry at times, telling me how much he loved me. We cried a lot that night. We smiled a lot that night, too - knowing how lucky we were. There's plenty more stories to tell about that scary night but the best one is that Sam lived! He even got to come home that night - around 2:00AM.

I'm sure I'll post more about many different parts of that night: how it felt to be the wife in this situation, sharing care and concern with Sam's parents, the kindness of complete strangers who called us that night and called 911, the fear I felt of losing him or of having a completely different life or lifestyle after the accident, the tender moments we have shared since Thursday night, the reminder of how we need to drive more carefully, the amazing friends and family that came up to the hospital that night just to be there for Sam (and me), whether we find the douche bag that hit Sam and ran, the reminder of how fragile life is and how it could change or be taken away from us in a literal second,etc. But, the best news is that Sam finally made it home that night without broken bones, without a scratch (okay, maybe a few tiny nicks) on his face, without any long-term damage. He has a concussion, and he has a hematoma (sp?) in his right ear. He has lots of bruising around his neck and pelvis - probably from the seat belt that saved his life. He has the gash on his head and the scratched up/scraped up hands/wrists. His watch broke, the car is totaled, we lost a garage door opener, and his clothing were cut off of him, but if that's all we sacrificed in exchange for his life and health, we are in great shape!!

After seeing the pictures of the car that he and his sister took yesterday, I'm positive that someone (God, an angel, his Zaide, my Grandma, ??) was looking out for him and keeping him alive. When he saw the car, he said, "How did I live?!" (You can watch the video I've uploaded to see for yourself just how scary this accident was and how horrible it could have been.) As Sam and I have continued to reflect on what each of our experiences were on Thursday night, as I nurse him to health and take care of the things he can't, as we spend quiet moments together and cry, we are reminded of how much we love each other and how much we want so much more time with each other. We're not done living this life yet! We're not ready to live without each other! We will have children we have yet to raise, we have places to see together throughout the world, we have family and friends we have yet to meet and play with, we have houses we have yet to live in, we have dreams we have not fulfilled yet. I have every intention of living a long, full life with my husband, and I'm so glad that someone else "up there" saw it the same way on Thursday. Dear God, thank you for not taking my Sam away from us.

Sam, I love you more than you could ever know. You are the most important man in my life, and I need you so much! Thank you for staying with us, for being healthy and okay, for fighting through all the fear and hurt, for loving me and liking me! I hope the scary sh#* never happens again - and may God (or whoever!) keep you safe and healthy always if it does! I love you!