Stress.Less.

Yesterday afternoon, I participated in a professional development course for counselors called Wellness Seminar. I really thought it was going to be a class about teaching wellness and healthy habits and ways of thinking to clients/students. Although I can certainly use these skills in the classroom for guidance lessons and with individuals - and definitely teachers at my school, I was wrong about the main purpose of the class. Apparently, counselors need to learn how to stress less themselves; go figure! ;) This class could not have come at a better time, as Sam and I had discussed this very topic just the night before.

From previous blog posts, you are probably familiar with how my mind is constantly full of to-do lists, of worries and concerns, of fears and anxieties, of checklists and rosters. I have come to learn that my mind is unique to Sam's, but it is not much different than other women's minds. This seminar I enrolled in helped me to see this. I actually LOVED the class and wanted more time in it - that's a first! I usually hate professional development classes and find them to be a complete waste of everyone's time! This one was selfishly brilliant. We discussed the causes of stress, the different types of it, and the effects of prolonged exposure to it. It was a great reminder, too, of the need we (all people - but counselors especially) have to take care of ourselves and not be burdened by the stress and hardships of others. It was a wonderful reminder to slow down, smell the roses (or at least look at them!), and breathe without taking on the "verbal vomit" others might throw at us as counselors. (The speaker's words, not mine!)

At the beginning of the class, the speaker had each of us take a paper plate to write down all of the things in our lives that are our responsibilities - both professional and personal. Oh, the flood gates opened!!! Before I tell you what was on my plate, let me ask you to think about what would be written on yours. Go ahead - think about it before reading on....

Well, my list included: mortgage payments, dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, writing thank you notes, getting wedding, shower, and birthday gifts, guidance lessons, Red Ribbon Week, ARDs/504s/CSIs, referrals to REACH and to Special Ed., planning a shower and a bachelorette party, returning emails, driving safely, paying bills, getting the mail, grocery shopping, grooming, car maintenance, helping Mom, picking up the kids, cooking meals, peer mediation, sixth grade registration, TAKS, benchmarks, honeymoon planning, running groups and meeting with individual kids, Career Day, restraining kids when needed, managing the money, weight management, doctor visits, professional development courses, LPC credits and license renewal, planning evenings with friends, going to the pharmacy/refilling prescriptions, Instructional Leadership Team, dry cleaning, reminding Sam of all the things he won't remember, house maintenance, ... and the list goes on. It felt so good to get all of that out on the plate - something visual to really digest.

The speaker went on to discuss how to manage stress and take care of ourselves: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. She went in to each area with great care and depth. But, this post is designed more as a discussion about what stresses me and what does NOT stress Sam.

Our conversation the night before this class centered around the financial and physical obligations that are now presented to us since Sam's car accident. We now have to get a new car (nice, but expensive). Our car insurance premiums will go up (not sure how much). We have to return the car rental without a new car yet - so we will have to share a car for a while (which we can manage especially in the summer). We will have to decide which car we want (totally manageable, but I'm not the best decision maker!). And, in the meantime, we're waiting on the insurance company to get back to us on how to pay the medical bills and the towing expenses. All of this will be taken care of, but the unknowns bother me - and I hate not knowing answers on my own timeline. Of course I'm so relieved, amazed, awed, and extremely grateful that Sam is okay, that we will get to go on our honeymoon, that we will continue to have our life together -but it's also time to look at how the accident will affect us financially and physically until we figure out all the details. Some jerk hit Sam and ran - leaving our world completely off kilter for a while. Thankfully, we won't have to worry about anything medical for too much longer (a couple ENT bills and a big hospital bill), but our insurance and our new car payment will be affected for a long while...not to mention our emotional state which has been shaken and disturbed by the a$$h@le that hit and ran.

Getting back to our conversation, what really upset me is that I seemed to be the one that was most stressed about these things. When talking to Sam, I realized that he also thinks about all these things, but he doesn't "stress" over them. What I needed to know was that it was on his mind... otherwise, I feel like I'm taking it on all by myself. He agreed to start at least voicing these concerns to make me feel better - that I wasn't the only one worrying about these things.

When I was writing on my plate in class, I wondered what Sam would have included on his plate. I shared mine with him at dinner last night, and he admitted that he would have way fewer things on his plate. He laughed at "Remind Sam of all the things he won't remember." I was worried he would be offended by that, but (as discussed with the rabbi during our pre-marital counseling) we both know he forgets his to-do list. He gives himself his own due dates and time lines, but he still cannot manage to remember them without a few nudges from me . . . to send that thank-you note, to pick up that medicine, to call that travel agent, to change that filter, to send that wedding gift, to call that doctor, etc. Some of these things I feel like I could do on my own, but what is marriage if not a partnership to spread the responsibilities and get the job done BECAUSE the other person asked you to? I know I would resent it if I made ALL the calls, ran ALL the errands, did ALL the cleaning. I'll probably post something another time on this male/female division of responsibility that seems too unbalanced in most households. If you have any comments, in the meantime, feel free to share what your division is like.

The truth is, we are still very new at this marriage thing, and we haven't quite ironed out the roles we are each willing to play. I'll tell you one thing, though; I am NOT willing to be the only one doing these things, and more importantly, I'm NOT willing to accept that women just do more in the house than men do. We are a partnership, a companionship of give-and-take of push-and-pull in order to move through this life with as much togetherness as possible. The rabbi once told Sam that I was treating him like an adult by asking when he could accomplish certain tasks so he gave himself his own due date; he mentioned that what he was hearing me say was that I didn't want to be a nag, so out of love and respect for me, Sam should meet those deadlines he assigned himself so I won't have to keep "reminding" him to do the given task. Needless to say, we are still working on this! Sam is more than willing to help out and contribute, and we do a pretty good job balancing most things. I just feel like I am always the one more stressed out about them. I'm definitely the control freak in this marriage!

The speaker ended our class yesterday with a final request: look at our plate, and if our name was not on our list, we should add it. Hmmms and Ahhhs filled the room as the counselors recognized that we had left ourselves off of our own plates. We are our own responsibilities to take care of, and we cannot forget that! If it helps me stress less to tell Sam what's on my plate and for him to share what's on his, then we should do it. So, in the next few weeks, you'll find two circular dry-erase boards on our refrigerator. Each of us will start keeping a plate on the fridge to let the other know what is on his/her mind and what he/she has going on that day or week. It's just one more way to communicate what we need to take care of and to help keep the balance - and to stress less.