Back in the Saddle

Sooner or later, after a scary experience, you have to get back in the saddle and move on. It's not easy, but it must be done. You can't live your life in fear, you can't live your life full of worry - avoiding everything that frightens you. Sam and I made a conscious decision after his accident to move forward as quickly as possible while allowing ourselves to feel the fear and cry about the scary thought of losing one another.

Since last Thursday's nightmarish miracle, we have had a lot of alone time to celebrate life and what horrible things did NOT happen. We have talked a lot about what could have happened: the airbag could have come out and burned Sam, there could have been a tree or bridge, there could have been more people involved, he could have lost a limb, an ear, his sight or his hearing, he could have bled out in his head, he could have been paralyzed or unable to process new information. It's truly remarkably amazing when you stop and think about the human body and all the things that could have gone awry in that one second of someone else's poor judgment and poor driving skills. Our lives could have been completely changed. It's hard to think of all the things that could be different; it's hard to type them out or say them to one another. But, at least confronting what could have been helps move on to understanding the reality of the situation and how scary his accident really is.

Every day we've cried together, tearing up as we tell each other we love each other. Each day, we also make progress in moving towards "normalcy." On Thursday, he came home. Friday, we got him back to moving around and getting in a car again. Saturday, we went to run one errand, and when we got back into the neighborhood, I asked Sam to be the driver. On Sunday, he wanted to be the driver. And by Monday, he was ready to go to work part-time. That morning was hard for me, we both felt like I was the mother who didn't want her son to go to the first day of Kindergarten. I knew I'd miss him, and I was terrified to let him go back into the real world where there are so many uncertainties. I felt like our little secluded life in our safe nest had to once again be opened up to the dangerous, unpredictable world. To wean ourselves, we both went to the car rental shop together, and then Sam followed me to my work, where he stayed with me for about an hour before heading out on his own. He still hasn't traveled the road that ended the life of his Ford Explorer Sport, but he's making big progress. I know it's hard for him. It's hard for me.

We can't make this situation into a tragedy. We can just move forward carefully and with great caution - with a strong sense of reality that our easy, comfortable life could be taken from us in a split-second. I know I will quickly return to my "normal" thinking (ha!), when I don't constantly worry and fear the unknown or the emergency phone calls from all sides of my family. I certainly hope I will return to that soon - being scared and anxious is not a way to live. But, I hope that the lessons learned will stay with us for a really long time! I think we'll learn to pick our battles a little more wisely (not that we had a problem with this before, but it will certainly make me think twice before getting pissed about something minor!), be a little more respectful when we're agitated or upset, kiss each other a little longer, and tell each other we love each other a little more often (if that's possible...I think we'd make some people sick!).

Today, while really examining Sam's wedding band, he realized that it was very slightly scratched. I am not surprised it got a tiny bit damaged given the nature of the car accident and the scrapes, cuts, and gashes in his wrists and hands. It kinda sucks given he's only had the ring for 9 months (as of yesterday!!!), but it is symbolic that our marriage will stand the bumpy, rocky tests. Dents, scratches, nicks, scrapes, and bumps will happen along the way, but our marriage will always hold - like the continued connectedness of the damaged ring. Even though I'm annoyed and would like to replace the ring or get it fixed, maybe it will be a good reminder of this accident - a reminder to stop and smell the roses, to treasure every day we have together, to love each other and our marriage with all its perfect imperfections.

This is just a story we'll have to tell now, a lesson we've learned from, a miracle to be thankful for. And, we'll take it along on our journey together. But, we'll also move on and keep living the life we love living together. Again, here's to Sam, to God, to whatever it is that's greater than us for allowing us to keep living!