Nothing to Fear?

When Sam and I were just dating. . . yet well-aware we were headed towards forever. . . I had lots of worries, lots of fear, lots of commitment issues. None of those fears had anything to do with Sam, per se. It was more the fear of starting my future and hoping for the best when many members of my family had gone through the worst crisis - divorce, betrayal, infidelity, money issues, just to name a few. How could I be any different than them? How would I avoid the messes they had found themselves in (by no choice of their own, I might add!)? How could Sam and I make it, even with the best intentions, through the challenges and struggles of life and stay on the same page as a happily married couple raising a family? These were my concerns... my big, big fears that kept me telling Sam to hold off on thinking more seriously, to hold off on moving in, to hold off on proposing. It actually made my stomach turn just thinking of him asking me to marry him. I remember LAST June ('08), a dear friend of mine got engaged, and while I was thrilled for her, it threw me into crisis over my future with Sam and what fate had in store. I was really worried about what this fear might mean. Sam and I had numerous conversations and even some therapy sessions to help me through it all. I knew he was who I wanted; I wanted a future family with him; I wanted him with me by my side. So, why the fear?

Well, to fast forward through some of the events that helped me through. . . Sam knew just not to talk to me about the potential future, not to mention when the ring would make it's way to my finger, not to focus on the inevitable wedding planning and nuptials. He even told me, "I'm not going to tell you anything, and I'm not going to talk about it. I know you'll be fine when it all happens, you're just anxious." He was right. Once that question was popped and the ring was settled quite nicely on my finger, I was "in it!" A few times throughout the year of planning, I stopped to ask myself if this is really what I want - marriage, family, Sam. And, I think all the anxiety is completely normal given my family history. Other than that, I was so ready and so excited. But, I never lost sight of what the wedding meant - we were always focused on the marriage.

I have heard many of my married friends talk about how they had questioned their decision to marry AFTER their wedding. They woke up the next morning and panicked. They freaked out when they got home from the wedding weekend. They spent the next few months wondering if they'd made a mistake. NONE of that has happened to me. . . okay, the morning after, I DID wake up and say to myself, "Holy shit! I'm married!" But, that was the extent of it. I was so comfortable in this new role as a wife. And, although it's only been 2 and a half weeks, I've never felt like I made a mistake - I firmly believe I did the right thing. The wedding was more of an anxiety producer than the idea of marriage, honestly. If anything, people have been saying, "Marriage really suits you!" as they complement how happy and beautiful I seem to look (their words, not mine!). And, they're right, though. I feel like I'm glowing. I really could not be happier!

However, just Sunday night, I had trouble sleeping. Yes, most Sundays are hard for me to sleep, but this particular sleepless night was full of terrible worries and fears yet again. My stomach didn't turn this time. This time, it was more of a "I can't stop thinking" kind of feeling. My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him or my family with him. I'm terrified that forever will be too short.

My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together. When I was little, I worried about things like fires, tornadoes, accidents, crimes against my family. . . all the things that could go wrong and how horribly depressed I would be if anything happened to my family members or if they ever suffered for any reason. Maybe it's because my parents were divorced, and I worried about the other parent when I wasn't with him/her to know what was happening, to know I was there to "protect" them or at least try to control what I could to stop anything from happening to them. I was the kid that came home from a fire safety lesson and wanted to map out and practice our escape plan with the whole family. I made my father buy an escape ladder for the second story window. I would have awful thoughts of any number of possibilities. I suppose now that I'm starting my own family, it should be slightly expected that my fears for my husband are just as great. Only this time, as an adult, I'm also terrified of getting older, getting sick, getting hurt, losing our youth, losing our early years.

I recognize I'm very young still, but I also realize time flies. I also remember my grandmother saying that she felt the same at 70-something as she did at 20-something. I have heard so many family members talk of their early newlywed days as if they were just yesterday. And, we all know how old we got so quickly, right?! Maybe some of these feelings were also brought on by my visit to the cemetery the week before my wedding - recognizing how short a life can be, remembering my grandparents' lives as a snapshot of time, or knowing one day my granddaughter will visit my grave. I'm not sure what brought it on. . . it's just on my mind and definitely scaring me a lot lately.

It's only natural to feel this way - to savor the time we have together and hope it lasts. I already miss the feeling of standing next to my husband in my wedding gown feeding him his cake. That flew by all too quickly. So, I want to cherish each day - hoping there are so many more to come, but being patient and taking each day one at a time. . . together.