How's Married Life?

I can't tell you the number of times I have heard this question in the past week and a half. I asked Sam if he's been getting that question a lot, too, and of course he has! I guess I asked the same question to all my newlywed friends after their weddings, but wow! It's been a LOT! Sam and I joked about how we could just shock people with responses similar to: "Ugh! It's horrible!" or "Big mistake!" We got a kick out of just thinking how we could respond to this over-asked question. Honestly, what do people expect us to say? It's similar to the "Are you nervous?" question we received before the wedding. Mostly, it's the same conversation starter as, "How are you?" when you really don't care how the person is. You're just asking to make conversation at the symbolic water cooler. . . in my line of work, the materials center or the school hallway.

Again, let me reiterate that I'm not upset or bothered by this question, it's just a question I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to answer. I welcome the conversation, but do people really have time for me to elaborate on how great it is yet how it's the same as before? Do they really want more than just a "It's good! Thanks for asking."? That's why we thought it would be so funny to throw the questioner off with a "It's miserable. What was I thinking?!" response. :)

So, let me take the time that I'm giving to this blog to answer that question: How is married life?

Married life is awesome so far! I love it. It's very much the same as our pre-marriage life - nothing has changed physically in our home (except the amazing pile of fabulous gifts that have poured in!), our responsibilities are still the same (bills, groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting up for work, being productive at work), and our feelings for each other are not any different. However, there is definitely more of a sense of family. There is definitely a stronger bond or feeling of need for the other's presence. I feel like I glow when Sam gets home from work. I feel like crawling back into bed with him after getting ready for work (when he's still sleeping) just to cuddle. I feel worried about him more than ever before. I feel more responsible for my well-being and that of my home. So, there is a bit of a difference - a very nice, welcome one at that!

The first time I ever noticed this connection/feeling was when we checked into the hotel we stayed at the night after the wedding. Sam gave his name, and I felt like that was me as well. . . a sense of ownership of him and his name. . . YES, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T CHANGE MINE! I felt like we were a family at that moment. I felt it again, when we paid for brunch the next morning. Since, at that time, we didn't have joint accounts yet, I decided to put the brunch meal on my card. When I signed my name on the check, even though I signed the same name I had weeks before, I still felt. . . married! It was weird. I can't really describe that. I felt more mature? More reliable? More dignified? I don't really know how to explain such a feeling. It sparked conversation for Sam and me at that moment about how it felt okay to not share the same last name. My cousin, the day after the wedding, had talked about how you're more of a family when you share the same last name. The epiphany I had, given how Sam and I feel about each other, is that you feel like more of a family because you're married, not because you share the same last name. The only problem is my cousin wouldn't know that because she changed her name, therefore drawing the conclusion that the name change was the reason for feeling like a family. I beg to argue that it's the marriage that causes that family-feeling. Perhaps one could argue that I'm not as deep in my feeling of family as she is (or any other woman who chose to change her name) because I didn't change my name. And, there never will be a way to know the answer to this enigma. No one can judge a degree of a feeling. No one can say I love Sam more than another woman loves her husband or that another woman feels more connected to her husband than I do. You could just never know that. I'm just presenting the possibility that the process of getting married, the process of having a big wedding, the love and support you recognize and receive from your families and friends, and the growth and maturity of a relationship cause you to feel more of a family unit, not the name change.

It's just been really interesting hearing everyone's perspective on marriage, questioning of non-name-taking, questioning of the married life, and all this "aftermath" of a wedding! Another change Sam and I have both noticed is the feeling of respect we gather from our co-workers or clients. Parents knowing I'm married makes them respect and trust me more - at least it seems. Sam's boss welcomed him more than ever before when he returned back to work as someone's husband. Maybe people believe you're more stable or permanent when you have a spouse who depends on you to be stable. I don't know. I only know it's been interesting!

For purposes of this blog, I felt I needed to explain all of these experiences we've had. It's been such a learning process. I miss my wedding so much, and I'd be thrilled to do it all again (minus the hectic year of planning!). That won't happen, I know. But, the good news is that Sam and I have a lifetime together. It honestly makes me so happy to think about all the future holds and the possibilities that await us together. After years on & off of long-distance and having to say goodbye to each other after too little time together, I almost get giddy to think that we never have to say goodbye to each other. We get to spend forever together! That's married life!