Day 3: Describe Your Relationship With Your Spouse
Sammy and I met in BBYO, a Jewish youth group. He was 14; I was 16. He was a freshman in high school, and I was a junior. We first officially met at his induction to his chapter, Kaplan. I was there with my friend, Jeremy, as his date that evening. The ceremony at Robbie's house had just started when in rushed this kid with orangish hair pulled back in a ponytail and a burnt red/auburn leather jacket. Everyone was excited to see him - but me... I was annoyed at him. "Who does he think he is?" I remember thinking to myself. He made such a production - getting everyone's attention after the ceremony had already begun. He was all smiles, and his cheeks were pretty rosy. Even though I was greatly annoyed by him, I also felt this weird pull to him. I very distinctly remember feeling that there was something special about him.
Sam doesn't really remember us meeting that night. It wasn't until about a month later that we got to know each other better. I was "plugging" to be the sweetheart nominee (Nom) for his chapter. There was a series of questions asked about each "plug" at Jeremy's house that night. And then, the chapter voted on which girls they wanted as "Nom," and I was lucky enough to be chosen as one of only 5 girls. Throughout the month of Nom Period, I was getting to know all the Kaplan guys pretty well. Sammy and I clicked pretty quickly. I enjoyed his company, and we were so relaxed and carefree together. He was silly, a goofball, a great listener, and a devoted Kaplan member. Nom period ended at "Walkdown," where beaus and sweethearts of the chapter are announced in front of everyone. I was surprised and shocked when I opened my heart box of chocolate to find confetti and a big chocolate heart with the word "Sweetheart" written on it.
Getting to be Kaplan sweetheart was life-changing for me on so many levels. But, mostly, it set the stage and became the backdrop of my growing friendship with Sammy. We became best friends that year, and when I went off to college, saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things. I didn't know how it would change our friendship. I expected that we wouldn't really see much of each other any more. Luckily, I was wrong, and the distance made us realize how much we missed and loved each other. Although Sammy was dating another girl, and I was interested in other guys, we talked on the phone ALL the time. My long-distance bills (yes, a thing of the past!) were outrageous because we would talk on the phone for hours. And, my room and suite mates could tell when I was on AOL "IM"-ing (Instant Messaging) with Sammy - as they would tell me I would sit at the computer laughing or smiling. I really didn't have a romantic interest in him until a few months in to college - after he had broken up with his girlfriend. (As an aside, I'd like to say that I adored his girlfriend. I always thought they made a cute couple, even calling them "Frame-able" because they fit each other so nicely. I was truly upset when I found out Sam had broken up with her.)
My friend, Gretchen, knew that both of us were starting to have feelings for each other. She played matchmaker from behind the scenes, letting me know that he was interested in more than just friendship. I was going home for Thanksgiving soon, and Sam asked me if I wanted to go out the night after I got home (which was also the night I got my braces off!). I agreed, and that Wednesday night (November 25, 1998) we went to Grady's for our first "date." I was supposed to think that it was just a night with my friend, but after hearing what Gretchen had to say, I knew the truth. We drove around after dinner... I was getting anxious and nervous, and I think Sammy was too. He later told me he was waiting for the Brandy song, "Have You Ever?" to come on the radio so he could tell me then about his feelings. Well, the song never came on, even though we drove around for a LONG time - each of us showing the other our old houses, old schools, etc. When he got out to walk me up to my house, he said, "Can I ask you something?" I knew this was it. He took my hand and put it over his heart and said, "Do you feel that?" "Yeah?" I said. He said, "It's because of what I'm about to tell you." So, I beat him to the punch (or so I thought), and said, "What? You like me?!" - honestly just trying to make it easier for him. But, his response took me by surprise: "More like in love with." I was caught off-guard. I mumbled something like, "Me too. I mean, I feel the same way." We hugged (no kiss yet) and just held each other. I was all-smiles, and I think he was too. We talked the next day (Thanksgiving Day) and again that Friday, but we didn't see each other until Saturday - after my cousin's wedding and after he had attended another Walkdown ceremony. We met at a friend's house, and then went together to another friend's house. On the way back home that night, he wanted to stop at the park. At a stop light, I took the toothpick that he was nervously chewing on out of his mouth and kissed him. "You beat me to it," he said, completely caught off-guard.
We drove to the park across the street from that light, and he took out a boom box to play "Time to Say Goodbye," as we danced and kissed. He was so sad that I was leaving to go back to Austin the next day. I surprised him and told him I'd be back in town the following weekend to surprise Kira at her concert, and winter break was coming up so soon, so we would be able to spend more time together.
And, thus, a relationship was born. It was beautiful and amazing. Then, we broke up in May 2000. I'll spare everyone the details about how many times we were on and off and the reasons why - but mostly, we were just always in two different places in our lives, then we'd manage to find a way to make it work, then one of us would get scared or feel like we just weren't in the right time or place for our relationship. I lost count of how many times we broke up and got back together, but from 2000-2006, we were always friends (if not more)! We never had a mean, nasty break-up. And, almost every time we decided to end our relationship, it was hard to even say goodbye or let the other walk away. We talked all the time still. There was always a deep care, love, and respect for the other. During those years, Sammy had a long-term girlfriend, I dated many guys - always trying to find someone who could make me feel the way Sammy did, I graduated from undergrad and graduate school, Sammy graduated from undergrad and started law school, I moved home and started teaching and later counseling, and I would visit him as often as I could.
On New Year's Eve 2006 (going in to 2007), I went to Houston to visit. That evening, Sam told me he wanted to be back together. I remember being so nervous and so scared - even though I felt the same way. I knew that if we were going to get back together again, this was it. Either we made it work this time, or we had to end it forever - no more back and forth. I started calling him "Sam" at this time, and everyone always wants to know how I can call him that after years of calling him "Sammy." To me, it was a new start for us by this time in our life and in our relationship. I wanted to differentiate between the back and forth time in our life when he was "Sammy," and we were younger and more immature. This was "Sam," and we were more grown up and needed to be. That was Sammy - and this is Sam. I don't know why, but it did make a difference... and he's still "Sam" to me. (It's even weird to write Sammy throughout this post.)
Since that date, we have been together. After Sam graduated from law school (May 2008), he moved home - into the house we live in now. He studied for the Bar exam that summer, we went on our first cruise together, and at the end of August, he proposed - standing outside my mom's house where he first told me he loved me. "Can I ask you something?" - the same words he said the night he put my hand over his heart.
We were married September 6, 2009. It was amazing. I miss our wedding day all the time. Since then, we've been through a lot together: new jobs, his car accident, our Mediterranean cruise and London honeymoon, births of 2 sons, the death of his mom and both of our grandfathers, birthdays, anniversaries, births of several nephews, surgeries, RA, and starting a law firm.
And, in telling you all of this, I still haven't really answered the prompt about describing our relationship. I told you how it came to be, but I haven't really described it. But, how do I describe something so indescribable?
I'll start with this: our relationship is founded on friendship. I think this makes our relationship so much deeper. We are friends first and foremost. Our communication is probably our biggest strength. We tell each other everything - sometimes probably too much! We have no secrets, and we are always honest with each other, even if it hurts. But, we respect each other too, so the "hard-to-hear" comments are said with care and concern (well, maybe unless it's 2AM and we have a newborn and then everything's fair game). We've seen it all together, too. I've seen him with blood oozing out of his head and with gravel and glass in his teeth after his car accident. He's seen me cut open on the operating room table. We've lifted each other up out the depths of grief after the loss of his mom, and we've been on the highest of highs when we've seen those positive pregnancy tests.
One of the things I love most about our relationship is that, while we compliment each other and nurture our family as if we are one unit, we are separate people. He's not my "better half" or the one who "makes me whole." I am that on my own - as is he. We are unique individuals who celebrate our differences and allow each other time to ourselves. Sam and I have very different personalities. He's an extrovert - getting his energy from being around others. I'm an introvert - getting most energy when I'm alone or with a small group of people. We are completely okay with doing our own thing from time to time. He's gone to a wedding without me because I didn't want to go and he was up for a night out with his friends. We spend separate time with our respective families so we maintain that relationship with them separately AND as a couple.
One of the things I love most about our relationship is that, while we compliment each other and nurture our family as if we are one unit, we are separate people. He's not my "better half" or the one who "makes me whole." I am that on my own - as is he. We are unique individuals who celebrate our differences and allow each other time to ourselves. Sam and I have very different personalities. He's an extrovert - getting his energy from being around others. I'm an introvert - getting most energy when I'm alone or with a small group of people. We are completely okay with doing our own thing from time to time. He's gone to a wedding without me because I didn't want to go and he was up for a night out with his friends. We spend separate time with our respective families so we maintain that relationship with them separately AND as a couple.
Marriage is hard work - really hard work once you have kids. We have to find time for us, and that's not always easy on little sleep and no energy. Even when we can't afford it or it's not the best financial decision, we make ourselves get away. And, every time we go on a date night or are simply by ourselves for an evening, I get giddy and silly. I just love US, and it's always so nice to reconnect with "Samber" (a nickname that we received in college).
Not that we don't argue from time to time - we certainly do. But, my time with Sam is typically filled with lots of laughs. We just get each other, and when you trust and care for each other as much as we do, it's easy to unwind and feel so incredibly comfortable with one another. And with so much history and growing up together, we usually know what the other is thinking without having to say a thing. We have so much fun together - even if it's just hanging out on the couch or staying up late talking in bed. Every day with him is an adventure, and every night I get to have a slumber party with my best friend.
Not that we don't argue from time to time - we certainly do. But, my time with Sam is typically filled with lots of laughs. We just get each other, and when you trust and care for each other as much as we do, it's easy to unwind and feel so incredibly comfortable with one another. And with so much history and growing up together, we usually know what the other is thinking without having to say a thing. We have so much fun together - even if it's just hanging out on the couch or staying up late talking in bed. Every day with him is an adventure, and every night I get to have a slumber party with my best friend.
I feel so fortunate to have this man in my life - and even more fortunate that he chose me and we get to raise these incredible kids together. I love him with all my heart, and I love that I get to be by his side in this life. Sam's a hard worker, a great listener, funny, and so compassionate and thoughtful. He respects me, challenges me, supports me, and encourages me. When I'm at my lowest low, he raises me up. When I'm at my highest high, he's there to join me. He's a phenomenal father, and I hope that my boys will learn how to be a gentleman from their daddy. I also hope that they feel from Sam what I have always felt: he makes me like ME more. He brings out the best in me, and I hope he would say I bring out the best in him. So, yes, even though there are things that annoy me about him still, I stand by what I initially thought when I first saw him: there is something so special about this man. And, even though it's a bit conceited to say, there is something so special about us.
*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2
*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2
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