30 Things in 30 Days (#7: Dream Job)

Day 7: What is Your Dream Job and Why?

I will start off by saying that I hate this question. I am tempted to stop this 30 Things in 30 Days series just to avoid this question... because I seriously don't know what the answer is here. I have given this a LOT of thought over the past few years. I'm not sure I'm meant to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, and now that I am, in fact, a mother, I have to take that into consideration when answering this question. All I know for sure is that I would want a job that would allow me plenty of time with my kids.

I adore my children, and I love them more than anything - certainly more than any job. But, being a stay-at-home parent is NOT a dream job. I've considered saying I have my dream job already. But, I don't. I can't say I was cut-out to be a stay-at-home mom. I miss my career. I miss being a part of a large community where my voice and my opinions mattered. Sometimes it's overwhelming to be at home with kids who don't listen to me, where my needs come last, or where I can't just go support my sister who just had a baby or make an appointment at the doctor's office without thinking of where my kids will be during that time and who might be able to watch them. Staying at home with young kids is a 24-hour job with no time off (like ever!). In the working world, I got more respect on a daily basis - without having to teach it all the time. I had adult conversation. I had audience-free restroom visits! I'd even get to have a drive by myself. But, working while having young children is hard, too. I'm not sure I was cut-out to be a working mom, either.  Getting up in the morning and trying to get ready at the same time my kids need bottles or breakfast or a diaper change... it's not easy. I substitute teach when I can, and I LOVE those days - but those mornings are rough. And, I can't imagine doing that every day - missing my kids and missing so much of their day. I'd feel like I was missing their childhoods by working all day, every day. I do think they need their breaks from me, though, so that's another perk to the subbing thing. It's nice for my kids to have time with their Grandma, and on the weekends, it's nice if Sam can keep the kids for a bit. Being a stay-at-home mom can be daunting without any breaks.... even nap time is stressful when they won't nap, or they wake up early - and I'm trying to get 1,000 things done without little hands getting in the way or getting interrupted a million times. But, I know that I'm giving them my all, that I'm here for them, that I'm not missing big events or milestones for someone else to tell me about.

Now, with that said, I guess my dream job would be exactly what I'm trained to do: school counseling. I just loved my job - when I got to do it, though! I'd definitely change a few things about school counseling to make it more of a "dream." There would be no testing. There would be no administrative duties outside of serving the emotional needs of the school community. I'd make more money! I'd be able to bill people hourly - so the silly little phone calls I would get would be more worth the time OR wouldn't happen at all because parents wouldn't want to bother with such a silly question (like (true story): "Will I be able to chaperone the first grade field trip?" or "Do you track how your elementary school graduates are performing at the college level? Do they feel ready for large state schools?" or "Have you done studies on how the power lines are affecting your students?" Um, what?)! I'd just be there for the kids. I'd be teaching them guidance lessons about using manners, refusal skills, peer pressure, conflict resolution, college and career readiness, personal safety, etc. It would be a time for me to really connect with the kids - to be there when they needed an impartial adult to listen to them and support them.

I once had an economics teacher in high school who didn't teach me much. The ONLY thing I remember him teaching me was very inspiring: "Find a job you would pay your employer to let you do." I don't know that I've found anything that I love THAT much! Well... unless sleeping in could be counted as a "job!" :) Now, that would be a dream job!

*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6

30 Things in 30 Days (#6: Wishes)

Day 6: If You Could Have 3 Wishes, What Would you Wish For?

1. I've always thought it would be a good idea to wish for more wishes. Then, if I make a mistake or if I think of something that would be awesome later down the line, I'd have a wish at my disposal. 
2. A LOT of money. Like unlimited amounts of money. It's a shame that money is at the top of my priority list here, but it's really a means to an end. I'd love to buy a home that has all the amenities and space to keep my family clutter-free and to entertain our guests in. I wouldn't go nuts and buy a crazy huge million dollar home - I still believe "love grows best in little houses." But, it would be nice to have all the things I want under one relatively large roof. I'd also like to know that I could afford to send my kids to any college and graduate program of their choice, to vacation together, to enroll them in any activity they wanted... just anything that would help them get the most out of their lives and keep them (and us) debt-free through it all. I'd also be able to help others in need - or even just to give really nice gifts! And, it would be really nice to not have Sam's (hefty!) student loan payment anymore! 
3. Safety for my family and friends. This would include safety from illness, car accidents, and crime. Imagine a life where no one gets sick or gets hurt. Imagine a world where no one gets raped, murdered, robbed, or assaulted. Imagine a place where car accidents don't hurt anyone. Imagine living in a world where planes don't crash, shootings don't happen, explosions and fires don't kill, kidnappings aren't possible, diseases weren't lingering... how much more could we get out of life if all these things didn't threaten us or even occur as a possibility in our minds? 

*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5

30 Things in 30 Days (#5: Happy)

Already day 5 in this series of 30 Things in 30 Days! I'm really enjoying this writing series, and I'm also hopeful that each post will give my kids more insight into my life (when/if they ever decide to read these some day). Today's topic is:
 

Day 5: What Are the 5 Things that Make Me Most Happy Right Now

1. Sam.
2. My precious boys. Their health and happiness make me beyond happy. I LOVE watching them grow and develop and become the people they were meant to be. Watching young children figure out the world is so awesome. Hearing the funny, poignant things that come out of Banner's mouth make me so giddy with pride and happiness. Watching Quinn figure out his body and how he fits in to this family and this big world - it's truly uplifting to watch it all unfold. 
3. The relationships I have with my mom, my sister, my brother and extended family. I could go on and on about the amazing family I was lucky enough to be born into. I just love my family. And, I love that it's a big one. There's never a dull moment, there's never a lonely time. To be surrounded by loving and supportive aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, and even more brothers and sisters makes me feel incredibly blessed. That there is such a big village to help me raise my family, to support me when I need it, to goof off with, to lean on, to celebrate with.... this makes me happy.
4. My friends. Oh.My.Goodness do these people make me laugh! Whether it's my best friends I've had since I was very little to the moms I've become friends with since Banner was born, I have some of the most amazing ladies in my circle. I just love getting together with them and having people that truly "get" me and care about me as much as I do them. I love coming home from a night (or a weekend) out with them and feeling reconnected to other women. I think that's really important. Even Sam is grateful for them. After a great phone conversation or a nice dinner out or a great play date, Sam will say how much more relaxed I am or how he's so glad I got to have such great times with awesome friends.
5. All the little joys in life: chocolate, writing, swimming, a night on the couch watching our shows and eating cookies, baking, a clean house, a long shower, sleeping in, vacationing, giving a really cool gift, money in the bank account! :)

*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4

30 Things in 30 Days (#4: 16-Year Me)

Day 4: List 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16-Year-Old Self

I don't have many regrets at all from years past. I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself in my preteen and teenage years. But, I had some amazing teenage years - especially starting at 16. But, I guess there are always a few things I can come up with that I would tell myself looking back. And, quite honestly, many of these things I could tell my 30-something self, too! 

1. You're skinny. You are SO far from fat.
2. You don't need to be someone's girlfriend just because he likes you. Make sure you like him, too.
3. When you go to Israel, really listen to what the tour guides are saying. Stop flirting and caring about the most recent gossip. This is a once-in-a-lifetime trip to spend 6 weeks here - so listen, take it all in.
4. Life's going to get a lot harder soon, so just enjoy sleeping when you want, having someone else pay for your gas/rent/bills/books/groceries! Show Mom and Dad a little more appreciation, even though you won't understand all they do for you until you're a parent yourself.
5. Spend more time with your grandparents. Ask them anything and everything.
6. It's okay to spend time in the sun and at the pool with your friends. The chats and the music and the fresh summer air are totally worth it - but go easy on the Baby Oil... no need to fry!
7. That Sam kid - you marry him. It's going to be a long, winding journey, but it's so worth it. Stop losing sleep over him - he loves you, and you love him. 
8. You are going to go far. Chill out a little and live in the moment. Stop planning so much and worrying about all the "what-ifs."
9. People aren't always trustworthy. Some of the people in your life who you love most will hurt you as a byproduct of their selfishness. This is not a reason to fear loving other people. It's still okay to trust and have faith in others. 
10. These next few years are going to fly by, but you will remember them as if they were yesterday for the rest of your life. Make them count.

*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2, Day 3

30 Things in 30 Days (#3: Spouse)

Today's topic* is a very difficult one to write about because there is just so much to say. But, I will try my best to make it concise for the sake of all my readers. Putting 18 years of history and relationship into a small blog post is quite a challenge, but I'm willing to take it on in the hopes that my kids will one day care to know all of this! :)

Day 3: Describe Your Relationship With Your Spouse

Sammy and I met in BBYO, a Jewish youth group. He was 14; I was 16. He was a freshman in high school, and I was a junior. We first officially met at his induction to his chapter, Kaplan. I was there with my friend, Jeremy, as his date that evening. The ceremony at Robbie's house had just started when in rushed this kid with orangish hair pulled back in a ponytail and a burnt red/auburn leather jacket. Everyone was excited to see him - but me... I was annoyed at him. "Who does he think he is?" I remember thinking to myself. He made such a production - getting everyone's attention after the ceremony had already begun. He was all smiles, and his cheeks were pretty rosy. Even though I was greatly annoyed by him, I also felt this weird pull to him. I very distinctly remember feeling that there was something special about him. 

Sam doesn't really remember us meeting that night. It wasn't until about a month later that we got to know each other better. I was "plugging" to be the sweetheart nominee (Nom) for his chapter. There was a series of questions asked about each "plug" at Jeremy's house that night. And then, the chapter voted on which girls they wanted as "Nom," and I was lucky enough to be chosen as one of only 5 girls. Throughout the month of Nom Period, I was getting to know all the Kaplan guys pretty well. Sammy and I clicked pretty quickly. I enjoyed his company, and we were so relaxed and carefree together. He was silly, a goofball, a great listener, and a devoted Kaplan member. Nom period ended at "Walkdown," where beaus and sweethearts of the chapter are announced in front of everyone. I was surprised and shocked when I opened my heart box of chocolate to find confetti and a big chocolate heart with the word "Sweetheart" written on it. 

Getting to be Kaplan sweetheart was life-changing for me on so many levels. But, mostly, it set the stage and became the backdrop of my growing friendship with Sammy. We became best friends that year, and when I went off to college, saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things. I didn't know how it would change our friendship. I expected that we wouldn't really see much of each other any more. Luckily, I was wrong, and the distance made us realize how much we missed and loved each other. Although Sammy was dating another girl, and I was interested in other guys, we talked on the phone ALL the time. My long-distance bills (yes, a thing of the past!) were outrageous because we would talk on the phone for hours. And, my room and suite mates could tell when I was on AOL "IM"-ing (Instant Messaging) with Sammy - as they would tell me I would sit at the computer laughing or smiling. I really didn't have a romantic interest in him until a few months in to college - after he had broken up with his girlfriend. (As an aside, I'd like to say that I adored his girlfriend. I always thought they made a cute couple, even calling them "Frame-able" because they fit each other so nicely. I was truly upset when I found out Sam had broken up with her.)

My friend, Gretchen, knew that both of us were starting to have feelings for each other. She played matchmaker from behind the scenes, letting me know that he was interested in more than just friendship. I was going home for Thanksgiving soon, and Sam asked me if I wanted to go out the night after I got home (which was also the night I got my braces off!). I agreed, and that Wednesday night (November 25, 1998) we went to Grady's for our first "date." I was supposed to think that it was just a night with my friend, but after hearing what Gretchen had to say, I knew the truth. We drove around after dinner... I was getting anxious and nervous, and I think Sammy was too. He later told me he was waiting for the Brandy song, "Have You Ever?" to come on the radio so he could tell me then about his feelings. Well, the song never came on, even though we drove around for a LONG time - each of us showing the other our old houses, old schools, etc. When he got out to walk me up to my house, he said, "Can I ask you something?" I knew this was it. He took my hand and put it over his heart and said, "Do you feel that?" "Yeah?" I said. He said, "It's because of what I'm about to tell you." So, I beat him to the punch (or so I thought), and said, "What? You like me?!" - honestly just trying to make it easier for him. But, his response took me by surprise: "More like in love with." I was caught off-guard. I mumbled something like, "Me too. I mean, I feel the same way." We hugged (no kiss yet) and just held each other. I was all-smiles, and I think he was too. We talked the next day (Thanksgiving Day) and again that Friday, but we didn't see each other until Saturday - after my cousin's wedding and after he had attended another Walkdown ceremony. We met at a friend's house, and then went together to another friend's house. On the way back home that night, he wanted to stop at the park. At a stop light, I took the toothpick that he was nervously chewing on out of his mouth and kissed him. "You beat me to it," he said, completely caught off-guard.

We drove to the park across the street from that light, and he took out a boom box to play "Time to Say Goodbye," as we danced and kissed. He was so sad that I was leaving to go back to Austin the next day. I surprised him and told him I'd be back in town the following weekend to surprise Kira at her concert, and winter break was coming up so soon, so we would be able to spend more time together.

And, thus, a relationship was born. It was beautiful and amazing. Then, we broke up in May 2000. I'll spare everyone the details about how many times we were on and off and the reasons why - but mostly, we were just always in two different places in our lives, then we'd manage to find a way to make it work, then one of us would get scared or feel like we just weren't in the right time or place for our relationship. I lost count of how many times we broke up and got back together, but from 2000-2006, we were always friends (if not more)! We never had a mean, nasty break-up. And, almost every time we decided to end our relationship, it was hard to even say goodbye or let the other walk away. We talked all the time still. There was always a deep care, love, and respect for the other. During those years, Sammy had a long-term girlfriend, I dated many guys - always trying to find someone who could make me feel the way Sammy did, I graduated from undergrad and graduate school, Sammy graduated from undergrad and started law school, I moved home and started teaching and later counseling, and I would visit him as often as I could. 

On New Year's Eve 2006 (going in to 2007), I went to Houston to visit. That evening, Sam told me he wanted to be back together. I remember being so nervous and so scared - even though I felt the same way. I knew that if we were going to get back together again, this was it. Either we made it work this time, or we had to end it forever - no more back and forth. I started calling him "Sam" at this time, and everyone always wants to know how I can call him that after years of calling him "Sammy." To me, it was a new start for us by this time in our life and in our relationship. I wanted to differentiate between the back and forth time in our life when he was "Sammy," and we were younger and more immature. This was "Sam," and we were more grown up and needed to be. That was Sammy - and this is Sam. I don't know why, but it did make a difference... and he's still "Sam" to me. (It's even weird to write Sammy throughout this post.)

Since that date, we have been together. After Sam graduated from law school (May 2008), he moved home - into the house we live in now. He studied for the Bar exam that summer, we went on our first cruise together, and at the end of August, he proposed - standing outside my mom's house where he first told me he loved me. "Can I ask you something?" - the same words he said the night he put my hand over his heart. 

We were married September 6, 2009. It was amazing. I miss our wedding day all the time. Since then, we've been through a lot together: new jobs, his car accident, our Mediterranean cruise and London honeymoon, births of 2 sons, the death of his mom and both of our grandfathers, birthdays, anniversaries, births of several nephews, surgeries, RA, and starting a law firm. 

And, in telling you all of this, I still haven't really answered the prompt about describing our relationship. I told you how it came to be, but I haven't really described it. But, how do I describe something so indescribable? 

I'll start with this: our relationship is founded on friendship. I think this makes our relationship so much deeper. We are friends first and foremost. Our communication is probably our biggest strength. We tell each other everything - sometimes probably too much! We have no secrets, and we are always honest with each other, even if it hurts. But, we respect each other too, so the "hard-to-hear" comments are said with care and concern (well, maybe unless it's 2AM and we have a newborn and then everything's fair game). We've seen it all together, too. I've seen him with blood oozing out of his head and with gravel and glass in his teeth after his car accident. He's seen me cut open on the operating room table. We've lifted each other up out the depths of grief after the loss of his mom, and we've been on the highest of highs when we've seen those positive pregnancy tests.

One of the things I love most about our relationship is that, while we compliment each other and nurture our family as if we are one unit, we are separate people. He's not my "better half" or the one who "makes me whole." I am that on my own - as is he. We are unique individuals who celebrate our differences and allow each other time to ourselves. Sam and I have very different personalities. He's an extrovert - getting his energy from being around others. I'm an introvert - getting most energy when I'm alone or with a small group of people. We are completely okay with doing our own thing from time to time. He's gone to a wedding without me because I didn't want to go and he was up for a night out with his friends. We spend separate time with our respective families so we maintain that relationship with them separately AND as a couple.

Marriage is hard work - really hard work once you have kids. We have to find time for us, and that's not always easy on little sleep and no energy. Even when we can't afford it or it's not the best financial decision, we make ourselves get away. And, every time we go on a date night or are simply by ourselves for an evening, I get giddy and silly. I just love US, and it's always so nice to reconnect with "Samber" (a nickname that we received in college).

Not that we don't argue from time to time - we certainly do. But, my time with Sam is typically filled with lots of laughs. We just get each other, and when you trust and care for each other as much as we do, it's easy to unwind and feel so incredibly comfortable with one another. And with so much history and growing up together, we usually know what the other is thinking without having to say a thing. We have so much fun together - even if it's just hanging out on the couch or staying up late talking in bed. Every day with him is an adventure, and every night I get to have a slumber party with my best friend. 

I feel so fortunate to have this man in my life - and even more fortunate that he chose me and we get to raise these incredible kids together. I love him with all my heart, and I love that I get to be by his side in this life. Sam's a hard worker, a great listener, funny, and so compassionate and thoughtful. He respects me, challenges me, supports me, and encourages me. When I'm at my lowest low, he raises me up. When I'm at my highest high, he's there to join me. He's a phenomenal father, and I hope that my boys will learn how to be a gentleman from their daddy. I also hope that they feel from Sam what I have always felt: he makes me like ME more. He brings out the best in me, and I hope he would say I bring out the best in him. So, yes, even though there are things that annoy me about him still, I stand by what I initially thought when I first saw him: there is something so special about this man. And, even though it's a bit conceited to say, there is something so special about us.

*Past posts in this series can be found here: Day 1, Day 2

Day Out with Thomas

Today, we had the most amazing morning. I just wanted to document the fun times we had at an event called Day Out with Thomas. Sam and I surprised Banner with a trip to Grapevine to meet and ride Thomas the Train. He was SO excited when we told him first thing this morning. I let Sam have the honor of telling him - and once he did, Banner threw his arms around Sam and gave him a big hug. We could tell he was super-excited about this idea!

Once there, Banner was even more excited. He wanted to see what all there was to do before we boarded the train. He played with his trains on numerous train tables, and he was in heaven! He didn't know which table to start at! Then, it was time to line up in the boarding area. He was excited to see the conductor, and he liked watching Thomas pull in to the station. He got to see the train tracks up close and how the train cars sat on the rails. As we walked up the steps of our car, he said, "This is gonna be a bumpy ride!" . . . to which I said, "I hope not! I think it will be a smooth ride!"

Then, we got to wave goodbye to the people outside the train. It was about a 25 minute ride, and Banner loved it. He was curious about our surroundings, he liked going over the bridges and watching the cars stop on the road for our train to cross, and he listened for the train's whistle. When our ride was over, we took a couple photos with Thomas and then headed to the model train tent. After that, we had a lunch of corn dogs, blueberries, banana, and funnel cake... yum! :)  Banner ate really well, and then he wanted to play in the big sandbox. He could have played there all day, but he easily said goodbye to the sandbox to go ride the small train before we left for the day - which he rode after a brief stop at the petting zoo.

As we left, we talked about how much fun we all had, and Banner said, "Thank you, Mommy and Daddy, for taking me here!" His smiles throughout the whole trip made the event worth it, but hearing him show his gratitude was icing on the cake!

This cup from Nami's birthday party came in handy (and perfect) for today's adventure!

30 Things in 30 Days (#2: Fears)

Yesterday, I started 30 Things in 30 Days. I will be completing a list of writing topics to share more about me with my kids. One day, I hope they'll read this list and learn more about me, my thoughts, my history. Today's topic is definitely more intense than yesterday's light-hearted randomness.

Day 2: Describe 3 Legitimate Fears You Have and Explain How They Became Fears

I'm lucky that very little of the everyday "mundane" things scare me. I'm not terrified of heights or thunderstorms or airplanes. I'm not afraid of snakes or spiders. I try to avoid cockroaches, rodents, tornadoes, and generally having a crowd of people looking at me, but I wouldn't say they are "legitimate" fears. The fears I have are huge, and they are the existential fears most parents have.

1.  My number one fear is something horrific happening to one or both of my children. I worry for their safety and health all the time, like all parents do. My heart skips a beat when I see the school calling my cell phone. I get excited to hear that my kids are healthy after each doctor's appointment, as I never take their good health for granted. I don't take my eyes off Banner at a playground, especially since he's a "runner." The stories in the news or circulating on Facebook don't help alleviate any of these fears - childhood cancer, school shootings, sexual abuse, abductions. I cannot imagine (and I hope I never come close to having to imagine) how parents deal with their child being in pain or hurt or betrayed in such horrible ways. I have to say, too, that this fear started the minute I knew I was pregnant with Banner. Once that stick showed I was carrying a baby, the fear of losing that baby showed up, too. It's the ONLY thing I cannot stand (okay, I can't stand the reflux/indigestion either) about being pregnant: the constant fear that something will go wrong or be wrong with my baby.

2.  The second fear I have is death. And, not just mine. Too often, I'm anxious about something happening to my loved ones. Maybe since Sam's accident, maybe since Mom's 2nd round with breast cancer, maybe since Leslie's sudden, unexpected death, maybe since my friend lost her husband suddenly... not sure which caused it, but I'm so scared of losing my family. When my mom is on a flight, I'm a wreck. When Sam takes a road trip, I'm uneasy. And, again, there are too many stories in our faces all the time about a child losing his/her parent at a young age. I don't want my kids to know a life without me (or Sam) until we have met THEIR grandchildren! I blog for them - so that they will remember me if, God-forbid, anything happened that prevented me from being here to tell them all about when they were this little. In the event of my death, Sam has strict instructions to publish every blog post that hasn't been published yet just so the kids would see everything I've written. I want them to know my recipes, our daily lives, our big events, my feelings about how they're growing and changing, what they are like through MY eyes. 

3.  My third fear is that my memory will fade. My dad's mother, my Granny, had Alzheimer's for many years before she died when I was 16. She was put in a nursing home when I was only 4. I would hate to have lived such a great life only to end up not remembering any of it or anyone in it. I've always feared that the ultimate irony would be that someone like me with an amazing long-term memory would end up with Alzheimer's and forget it all. So, again, I write... to remember, to reflect, to record. Because one day, even if I can't be the one to tell them all about it - my writing can. And maybe, just maybe, it will be the one way I can find my way back if my memory gets lost.

30 Things in 30 Days (#1: Randoms)

So I found a blog via Pinterest. Personally, I hate Pinterest - always making me feel like I should be doing more, and when I actually try some of the recipes/ideas/creations, most often, it's a complete fail. But, I found this pin a long time ago, and I decided I should try this on my own blog for my kids and for them to know more about me one day. And, if anything, it gives a great springboard for writing. So, without further delay, I present to them: 30 Things in 30 Days!

Day 1: List 20 30 Random Facts About Myself

1. I taught myself how to juggle in college. I can only juggle up to three items, but I'm pretty proud of myself for learning on my own - as an assignment for a "Kiddie PE" class all Elementary Education majors had to take.
2. I had a 2nd-3rd degree burn on my left foot when I was 8 years old. I got it right before my dad remarried, so in the pictures at his wedding, I have one shoe on and only a sock on the other. The burn happened when I was jumping on a pile of sand in front of Dad's house one dark night in December. Turns out, it wasn't just sand. There were leaves burning within the pile. I felt a burn in my foot and starting "dancing" around. Brock made fun of me and told me to stop goofing off, while I desperately tried to get my shoe off.
3. My favorite candy is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. They remind me of my Grandpa who used to bring them to me after school when he'd pick me up. No better combination than peanut butter and chocolate.
4. For my Bat Mitzvah, I did mitzvah work at Services for Visually Impaired Children. 
5. I'm very indecisive about little things (what sandwich to order, which dress to buy, what to make for dinner), but on the big stuff - I know right away what I want and don't budge (what car I want, what couch to buy, Sam!, what I want for my boys).
6. I have a very good memory. I remember birthdays, songs, where I was when this or that happened. 
7. When I was a baby, I nearly lost my hearing from a bad ear infection. Unrelated to that, though, I've always wanted to be a fluent American Sign Language (ASL) signer/interpreter. I know a lot of sign language and taught it a few summers at a summer camp in town, but I want to know much more. I love the language and the culture of the Deaf community.
8. I was on the sixth grade traveling volleyball team at my elementary school. And, I was good!
9. When I was a baby, the doctor told my mom that I had a short leg extension - which meant I wasn't going to be very flexible, and I'd never be a good runner. He was right. While I ran track in junior high, I was never very fast. Brock used to say, "Is she even moving??" And, once while I was running a mile with my 3rd grade class in elementary school, a woman who knew my mom saw us running outside. She told my mom I was the fastest in the class - that I was ahead of everyone. When my mom told me this story, I told her that was not true - that I was behind; everyone had lapped me. :) And, while I was a gymnast as a kid - I definitely wasn't as limber or flexible as my little sister.
10. I pantsed Brock outside our hotel at Disney World. Mom wasn't happy.
11. I placed out of 36 hours of undergraduate work going into my freshman year at UT - many of them claimed as "A's". I started as a sophomore, and I had completed all of my minor (Spanish) without taking a class there.
12. My GPA was the exact same in undergraduate as it was in graduate school: 3.95. (Two B's in undergrad, 1 B in graduate. The B's were in Greek Mythology, Psychology of Language, and Statistics and Research Design.... all of which I'd LOVE to take over again for the A!)
13. I miss my Grandma everyday. Her death was the only one I have witnessed, and it was the most beautiful yet scariest moment of my life.
14. I miss elementary school, I loved high school, but I absolutely hated junior high. If I could erase any time of my life, that would be it. Not because of anything I did or didn't do, but because of that stage in my life. It was awful. I vividly remember overhearing conversations in the girls bathroom while I was in one of the stalls - thinking I cannot wait til I am done with this place!
15. Every time I see butter melting in a pan, I think of the words "of course." I have NO idea why, but it brings me back to my old house in Plano when Mom was making pancakes. I wasn't older than 4 or 5 then, so it had to be that Mom said those words while I was watching the butter melt in the pan?? I have no idea.
16. I have a scar on the left side of my upper forehead from getting pushed out of bed and into the corner of the nightstand in our Disneyland hotel room in the middle of the night (at the age of 3). Thank you, Brock.
17. I never had any detentions throughout school. Once, I got a demerit for parking in the wrong lot in high school, but Mom called the school to explain why when it was because all the Peer Helper spots were taken, and it was either park in the wrong place or be late for 2nd period Spanish. Demerit gone.
18. My hair was stick-straight when I was a little girl. In fact, my mom would curl it with a curling iron or with curlers, and it wouldn't hold a curl. But, when I was 10, I got a perm. It never went away. (What probably happened was puberty, and my hair just changed, but we named this perm after my hairdresser: "Patti's Permanent Perm.")
19. I rarely get the chance to do it now, but I absolutely LOVE driving in the evening with my windows down, music blaring, and singing my heart out. If only no one was watching! :)
20. I'd much rather be cold than hot. I hate sweating. (There's a reason I was a swimmer in high school - avoiding sweating and only being hot from a good work-out - which was easily remedied by getting back in the cooling water.)
21. Pretty much as far back as I can remember, I hate drinking after people. I hate sharing drinks. Even when I was 16 years old in Israel, and we were hot as hell hiking in the desert, I hated sharing the canteens that were being passed around. But, I did it - and my friends congratulated me that day. Lately, when Banner takes Quinn's cup and drinks from it (and gives it back or not), it bothers me.
22. When I was really little, I thought if I spun around one way that my body would be all twisted up unless I spun the equal number of times the opposite direction. To this day, I still resist the urge to  "undo" a spin/twist. (I might even lose the battle sometimes.)
23. When I was in high school, my closest girlfriends used to come over to study every Thursday night at my house. We'd do our math homework first, then we'd quiz each other on the next day's vocabulary test for Spanish class, or we'd work on the next project for English. We'd always stop studying to watch "Friends" and then study more before watching "ER." At some point, our little group grew to include not only people from our high school but our BBYO friends from other schools. People would bring their own dinner, work on homework, flirt, or just hang out. It became known as "Friends Night," and it was awesome. My psychology teacher, Dr. Bob, who was also the Peer Helper program sponsor, told me he thought it was the best idea for teens to have this group of people there for them every week. I looked forward to Friends Night throughout those last two years of high school, and I agree with Dr. Bob. Every teen should have a group like ours, and every teen should have parents as cool as mine to let that many kids hang out every week.
24. Some of my favorite papers I ever wrote for school: my "word paper" my senior year in high school for Ms. Prater (my word was "adultery"); my American English paper about my family history and how Yiddish is part of our family language (my professor was inspired by my paper that junior year in college to start exploring the Yiddish influence in American English), and my Rhetoric of Adolescent Girls paper from my sophomore year entitled "Disney's Menstrual Taboo." 
25. When I was in preschool (4 years old), I got locked in the bathroom with a picture of ET staring at me. I still remember it.
26. And, I nearly got hit by a car that same year when I went after a tennis ball on the other side of the alley when Mom and Brock were playing across driveways. Mom kept telling Kira and me that we couldn't be outside in our "pretty shoes" and to take them off. Thank God for those "pretty shoes" that probably helped me slide on a rock and underneath the car. I still remember the tire pattern staring me in the face before Mom scooped me up and rocked with me on her lap in the middle of the backyard for what seemed like forever.
27. I wore diapers at night until I was 5 or 6. I was a bed-wetter until then - when doctors found out there was something wrong with my bladder. I took a medicine (I think only once because it made me beet-red after playing outside at school) and I had an alarm in my underwear to signal when I was wet (which I only made go off on purpose one time). 
28. I named my first car Madison. She was a white Nissan Maxima.
29. I know all the words to almost any "oldies" (50s-60s) song on the radio. 50s/60s was the theme of my Bat Mitzvah party.
30. My name was supposed to be Chelsea Nicole. I used to love that name and always said I'd name my daughter that one day. I may not ever have a daughter. But if I do, her name will not be Chelsea Nicole. And, I'm glad my name isn't either.

Fontina Returns

Our beautiful Paci Fairy, Fontina, has made a return to our home. The last time she arrived, she had taken "White Paci" as a donation from Banner to a new baby in the hospital. This time, she did not get a donation. Instead, she simply helped celebrate the departure of "Brown Paci!"  Yes, that's right - Banner's most favorite pacifier has been dismissed, and he has successfully slept four nights now without it. We're down to ONE, people!

On Sunday and Monday, Banner kept telling me that there was something on his brown paci, that something was bothering his mouth. His mouth, like mine, is extremely sensitive to any different texture or foreign object. We both can find a blueberry or strawberry or even vanilla bean seed on our tongues or in our teeth with precise accuracy. So, I knew he was telling the truth; I washed his paci and returned it to him both nights. But, on Tuesday night, I knew there had to be something wrong with the paci, not just something in his mouth or stuck to the clean paci. I looked at it very closely, and sure enough, there was the beginning of a tear in the nipple. I showed it to him to let him see what he had been feeling in his mouth. "Banner, you can't use this paci anymore. It's broken. It's not safe. I have to throw it away," I told him.

Expecting his refusal, I was fully prepared to just give him the back-up paci we have in his dresser (which he has forgotten about). I was not really prepared to deal with giving up a paci without notice! :) Much to my (and Sam's) surprise, he simply said, "Oh." As I left his room to trash it, I expected him to start crying or be upset, but he never said a word. I dropped it in the trash, wondering if I should let him say goodbye. Since Sam and I are both somewhat emotionally attached to this particular paci that our little boy loves so much, I expected to feel more saddened as I pitched it. This was remarkably easier on me than I thought. But, we were both shocked and glad that letting it go was so easy for him. Since he seemed so at-ease with it, I was too!

I expected Banner to ask for it after we read stories. I expected a long, miserable night. But, it was awesome! In fact, Banner went to bed faster on Tuesday night than ever before. He never said a word about it.

The two nights (and one nap) that followed have been a little harder for him to fall asleep - just settling in to a new norm of not having it in his mouth or hand. He's asked for it a few times, and when I remind him about what happened, he's perfectly fine with it. He says, "I'm sorry my paci broke, Mommy." I tell him, "I'm sorry, too, Baby." And I am. But, I'm so glad that this happened naturally/organically. Like I said, Sam and I were more than happy to give him the back-up, and I had every intention of doing so. But, when Banner took this like a champ, we followed his lead and ran with it. I'm so very proud of him, and I'm glad we let things happen on their own instead of meddling - as we might have done calling Fontina in for the white paci... Sam and I both felt awful for many days after she arrived.

But, THIS time, Fontina came with a simple congratulatory present. How she knew about the broken paci, I have no idea! She's magical! She let Banner know that she was so proud of him for giving up "Brown paci!" This morning, when Banner found the present on the front porch, he looked around and said, "Is this for me?" We told him we didn't know, but there was a note on the side of the gift. Then, he looked around again and said, "Is there one for Quinn?" Of course, we were in awe of his question and being so inclusive of his brother. :)

"Is this for me? Can I open it?"

He opened this note and saw that it was, in fact, for him.

He called them "pretend Legos"

We are so grateful for Fontina thinking of our sweet boy who gave up his favorite pacifier so easily. Just one more to go! Hoping we hear from Fontina again soon! :)

20 Years Later

March 26, 1994. It was the last time I saw her, talked to her, hugged her, heard her contagious laugh. I didn't have any clue that this picture would be her last. I had no idea that I would ultimately remember the next 24 hours perfectly as if they just happened yesterday for the remainder of my life. I was 13, she was 19. We talked about high school and what classes I would take. She encouraged me to sign up for Theater. We talked about Kira's Bat Mitzvah. We helped make the carrots for Passover sedar. I can still see us there stirring them while we chatted. She needed to leave with her friend from college, but she wouldn't leave until all the cousins took a picture with her. We said our goodbyes, and that was that.

March 27, 1994. It was a Sunday, and we were doing our regular routine in the late afternoon. Getting ready to make dinner, playing games, about to start our evening routine of making lunches for school the next day. Brock was at a basketball practice with Dad. Mom, Kira, and I were at home when the phone rang, and in minutes, Mom was out the door while Kira and I waited for more information. All we knew was she was in "critical condition," but we had no idea what that meant. We waited. It got dark. We waited for Dad to come pick us up. We packed Passover-kosher snacks for everyone, thinking we'd be at the hospital for a while. We prayed. We held our foreheads against the front door waiting for headlights to appear in the darkness. Finally, they came. We sped down the Tollway. Dad drove faster than he ever had before. We arrived outside the ER, and as we jogged up the walkway, we passed Brock crying. Our hearts raced as Mom gathered Kira and me beneath her. She slowly started telling us what had happened and then: "She's gone." My heart still races recalling it all.

We were escorted to see the rest of the family, and within minutes, we were already leaving. I never saw her. We went to her house. I called a couple friends to get my assignments the following day. I couldn't even talk when they answered. Tears. Shaky. I can still feel the lump in my throat. I can still hear them asking what's wrong. I still remember not wanting to say.

I was embarrassed. She took her own life. This doesn't happen to "people like us," I kept thinking. What was she thinking? How selfish! I still can't wrap my brain around how she actually went through with this. What was she thinking or feeling in that very moment? That night and days to come (and months, and years, and decades...) - so many questions, so much left unsaid, undone, unfinished. Confusion, curiosity, anger, rage, grief, numbness, silence.

She was in the coffin. Was it really her? We made a circle around her. We said Shema. Her hair curly and dark. Her porcelain face doll-like. This has to be some kind of dark, sick joke, right? "Farra, wake up!" I kept saying in my head. 

20 years ago today. How is it that it feels so new and raw? It's like my brain is stuck at 13 years old trying to make sense of it. I will never make sense of it. She was perfect to me. She was gorgeous, so nice, so talented and funny, the brightest smile, the cutest laugh, the most awesome hair, a huge circle of friends, a sorority girl, a college freshman. She played with us - led games and told us stories. I looked up to her. How did she not see her life as precious and important? She was my older cousin, and always will be - even though I passed her by in age many years ago. 

I wonder what she'd be like now. Would she be married? Have children? Live close by? Spend time with us still? What job would she have? 

She's now been gone longer than she lived. I'm having a hard time with this. Only 19 years old, and 20 years later, I still see and hear her clearly. I remember so very much. I will never forget. She lives on in us. But, how is it that it's been 20 years already and we've lived without her longer than she ever lived?

Farra Julianne

February 19, 1975 - March 27, 1994