You've Got to Have Friends

Once upon a time, my friend, Gretchen, told me about a woman she worked with. She told me that this lady was pregnant and due around the same time I was - in early June. She told me she was going to give me her number and that we should go to lunch or something one day. Of course, I told Gretchen that it sounded nice, but I remember thinking the last thing I had time for or wanted to do was go on a "blind date" with a woman I never met just because she happened to have conceived around the same time I did. Months passed and, soon, this woman and I who had never met each other started emailing each other. I don't remember who emailed whom first, but that part doesn't matter. What matters is, Gretchen was right. I should have met this person. The words in her emails could have been my own. We wrote about how we were feeling and the worries we were having. Her emails that I would receive throughout the time when I was getting bigger, more anxious about becoming a parent, and more curious about what was happening inside my body came at the perfect time. She provided an outlet for me when no one else was experiencing exactly what I was going through.

About a month before we were due, I met this woman, who we will call "Randi," (okay, yes, that's her real name - but she's okay with me writing that). We got to schmooze and vent, reflect and project, worry and find understanding. It was around that time that we also started texting, and pretty much since that time, we text on a daily basis. Our texts are hilarious, really. There have been times it sounds like we are lovers, there are times it sounds like we should both be institutionalized, and there are times you can hear our tears through the texts. Both of our families are beyond thankful that Randi and I have each other to talk/text to. We encourage each other, and we give each other strength by knowing we are not alone.

Our babies were born two days apart, both born via C-section. Her daughter is two days older than Banner, and while they are both reaching different milestones on their own time, the feelings and thoughts we share with each other are very similar. I could not have made it without Randi in my life. She is the sounding board I wish all new moms could have. Yes, I have best friends, and yes, I have the most amazing mother anyone could ask for. God bless all those people in my life for being there for me whenever I need them. But, having a new mom go through all the new-mom-stuff at the exact same time with me, without competition... that is someone to be thankful for! We cover any and all topics, and nothing (and I mean NOTHING!) is off-limits, including (but certainly not limited to): our husbands, recovery from surgery, our attempts at breastfeeding, schedules, teething, when babies are sick, our periods, best baby toys, techniques for feeding/changing/bathing/entertaining baby, napping and sleeping - both us and our kids!, poop, double chins and misshaped heads, working vs. staying-at-home, why our incisions are still bugging us, getting out of the house, meeting milestones and wondering if our babies are okay, freaking out about everything, sex life, our hair (or lack thereof), our memories (or lack thereof), videos and pictures of our kids doing funny, frustrating, or new things, and when we might try to have a second baby, and how we will handle it if we don't conceive baby #2 at the same time... ah!

We are both absolutely insane. We are both anxious control freaks with no control over much of anything in this new stage in our lives, so to find a friend who is in the same boat as me, having the same feelings as me is so wonderful. Randi is hilarious and has a quick wit, which I love. The best is getting her texts at work, especially in the middle of an important yet boring meeting. I may see my phone light up with, "E's up, and she's pissed!" or "I don't think I'll be sleeping for years. Like at least 18 of them," or "Was B's belly okay after the magazine-eating-shenanigans?" or "She laughed when I put the thermometer up her butt." It's just random conversation that we continue to have each and every day.

We have watched each others' babies grow up, develop, learn, become social, and deal with their crazy mommies! It's such a joy to watch her daughter grow up with Banner. I am so glad Gretchen introduced us! It's so nice to have someone to check-in with and find out more about how she's doing, with a true, genuine, non-competitive attitude. There's no jealousy, no trying to "one-up" each other, and no games - just pure, honest, uncensored friendship.  I also owe a big thank-you to "Randi" for putting up with me, for enjoying time with Banner, for being my friend, for being my sounding-board,  and for being right there with me when "9 months later...we are still a mess!"

Notes on Nine!

I remember Banner being about 3 months old, and I kept thinking how I couldn't wait for him to be 9 months old. I was told it was one of the "numbers," you know, where everything is magically supposed to be just amazing? Everyone tells you that things get better at 3 months, at 4 months, at 6 months, etc. Lots of people have told me their favorite age is 9 months, so I guess I was waiting for this magical time when my baby would be just "the most perfect age!" Now, we're just starting the month, so I'm going to be tentative when I say this, but: they were wrong! 9 months may be great, but 8 months was pretty damn amazing, too! Honestly, I would say 5 months is when I felt like we had turned a corner and things were getting so much better and easier. But, if you had told me that at 2 or 3 months, I would have felt just as defeated being told to wait til 4 or 6 or 9 months because even one week longer at that time seemed to be too long to wait for things to be better. That sounds awful, but at that time, Banner cried a lot. We were just seeing signs of eczema, although we didn't know that's what it was. We were dealing with a LOT of reflux. We couldn't seem to feed him fast enough. He cried a lot. He was just starting to sleep 8 hours a night. We had absolutely no schedule. Banner hated car rides with a passion. We were still figuring out what the hell we were doing! Did I mention he cried a lot!? So, for someone to tell you that it will get better at 4, 5, 6, 9 months, etc... that seemed like a lifetime away! But, we did turn a corner, and things did get easier, and it happened long before 9 months that I completely fell in love with my little guy. And, 9 months (which, at the time, couldn't get here fast enough) has flown by in a flash!

I am loving all the joys Banner brings to our lives. He is such a sweet boy to hang out with, and I just want to eat him up so much of the time! His baby giggles and his beautiful smile are too precious. I love learning about him still, but I feel like I know him so well. Banner is usually a pretty happy kid. He's typically in a great mood throughout the day. The only times he cries are when we stop him from going somewhere he wants (like into the dishwasher or towards something breakable or dangerous or the changing table where he's always going to avoid laying still) or in the middle of the night on occasion (usually because he's cold, teething, or just wants Mommy or Daddy). We have more good nights than bad (2-3 bad nights per week = he wants a brief snuggle for maybe 20 minutes or so and then sleeps again until morning... although, once every 2-3 weeks, a bad night will turn into an awful night = nothing we do gets him back to sleep for over 2 hours!). He loves to be tickled, he doesn't mind car rides or when we contain him in the Pack 'n Play so we can get ready for work in the mornings, he loves his shapes sorter and any musical toy, he's starting to love a game of "chase" or anything where he feels like we're "sneaking up" on him, and he still very much enjoys Peek-a-Boo.

He's on a very predictable schedule now:

6:30-7:00ish wake up and have morning bottle (7.5 oz)

7:30ish     Prevacid and 2 TBSP oatmeal
9:00-11:00ish Morning nap
11:00       2nd bottle (8 oz)
12:00       starting to give snack – (can be fruit, bagel, puffs, etc)
1:30-3:00    Afternoon nap – 1.5-2 hours usually
3:00/3:30    3rd bottle (8 oz)
5:15/5:30     Dinner – ½ fruit, ½ veggie, 2 TBSP barley or rice, and a few finger food pieces (pear, pasta, cracker, cooked zucchini, carrots… something to practice picking up food)
6:00     Prevacid
6:40ish  Bath time in bath ring – brush teeth, get ready for bed
7:00    Bottle (7.5 oz) then to bed

New this month:

• Banner has 2 bottom teeth! His left one came in first followed very shortly by the right. We're waiting on those top two to pop out soon, too! He loves to feel these teeth (and the ones he feels jostling around in the top) with his tongue. 
• He had his second cold. Mucinex was the doctor's drug of choice, and man, did it work well! We only used it at night to help Banner breathe - which is always more complicated when lying down - and we used the humidifier, and I thank God for those two creations: humidifier and Mucinex!
• We celebrated Banner's first Valentine's Day! He had lots of fun with extra time with Daddy, who came home super-early from work (even beat us home that afternoon!). He had a special visit from Zaide, and he got generous cards and gifts from Grandma, from NaNa, and from Aunt Gayle, Uncle Jason, Miles, and Colby!
• Banner is cruising everywhere! He's very confident with his walking as long as he's holding on to a table, couch, wall, toy, or hand. Every now and then, he'll stand for a few seconds on his own.
• Reflux is definitely better. He's still spitting up, but less often. Maybe once or twice a day, we'll see some spit-up. That is LEAPS and BOUNDS better than before!! Thank the good Lord!
• Our favorite thing right now, other than the sweet kisses he's been giving (LOVE THOSE!!!), is that Banner drinks through a straw. My mom taught him this a couple weeks ago, and he's great at it. I can just use any old cup and put a straw in it, and he drinks water perfectly! This is great at restaurants (which we've been frequenting again!) to just ask for a cup of water and let him enjoy a beverage with us! :)
• Oh, and finger foods! Loving the finger foods at dinner time and for a snack. This is also nice at restaurants. Sam took Banner to brunch twice this month, and he ordered him a plate of bananas and a water, and Banner could participate! He's still inconsistent with what he'll eat, but every night, I've tried some sort of finger food. He loved pears one day, but a few days later, wouldn't have anything to do with them. He loved zucchini the past couple nights. His favorite: graham cracker. He even used his own mouth to follow Sam's graham cracker to Sam's mouth... nearly French kissed him trying to get that graham cracker away from his daddy!
• I'm feeling the separation anxiety starting to emerge. Banner's been much clingier and whinier lately. I've read crying peaks again at 9 months, and I can see that may be true for Banner. I feel like he wants to communicate with us but is just so frustrated that he can't. I'm ready to start teaching more signs to him to help with that... we'll see.
• He definitely understands what we mean when we say "finished," "more," jump," "bye-bye," "kiss," "no," "medicine," "up," and "Banner." I'm sure there are a few others he knows, but those are a few I see obvious reactions to.

We go to the doctor for his 9-month check-up this week, so I'll post more stats after that. Currently, though, we are still using Level 3 nipples (tried Level 4s, but he spit-up more, so we went back to 3s), he's still in Size 4 diapers during the day (and Size 5s at night - still loving the Huggies Overnites), and we dress him in 12 month clothing mostly (he still fits into many 9 month sizes and a few 6-9 month).  He will still tolerate the Exersaucer and likes the Jumperoo, but he'd much prefer to crawl around and pull up on everything else. He's using his walking toys more often, too. He loves to crawl to the windows and pull up to look out the blinds. . . much to my frustration! My favorite, though, is when he pulls up on my legs and just stands with me (he does this lots while I'm in the kitchen washing dishes or trying to cook dinner). I love how much he wants to be close, and I love how he trusts me to help hold him up. I love feeling his little hands pull on my pant legs as his arm just curls around my leg, almost like he wants to help me do whatever I'm doing... my little buddy, just taggin' along with Mommy!

Banner Boone, I wonder what I did so right to have you in my life. I thank God every day and every night for getting to be your Mommy and for giving me a son so sweet, radiant, fun, smart, strong, and funny. I love watching you grow and learn. I love watching you meet the world and become such an active part of it! Some nights I put you to bed and cry as I think about how much I miss you already. I also think about how much I can't wait to get to know you more. More than anything, though, I just hope you know and feel how much I love you. Happy 9 months, Sweet Angel. We are going to have so much fun this month!

30 Months Later

Today is our 30th monthiversary! So, I figured it was time for a post about Sam and me and our marriage. I know so many of my posts are all about Banner and motherhood, and why wouldn't they be? This parenthood thing is the biggest event that has ever happened to me - or will ever happen to me, I'm almost 100% sure! But, I don't want to neglect how much of our life is about just being Samber. I am so lucky to have my best friend as my husband, especially in this past year or so of scary, adventurous, exciting, anxious, out-of-control, amazing times. There is no one else I would want by my side through it all.

Although Sam and I don't go out as often as we'd like anymore, and we're always wanting more date nights, we pretty much spend a lot of quality time together after Banner goes to sleep. We cook together, clean together, watch TV, chat about our days, and snuggle every night. However, I was so worried in Banner's early days and first couple months that Sam and I would never have time for each other - we were both overtired, on survival mode, and gave any energy we had to our newborn. There were nights I cried to Sam telling him how much I missed him. There were days I felt completely disconnected from him. There were days and nights (and there still are on rare occasions) that we were so NOT on the same page and had to stop talking to each other in order to not say something really hurtful. There have been more apologies in the past 9 months than the past 9 years, and we argue way more than we ever used to.

Why? Well, it's not about us anymore. We've added a whole new element - operative word being "new." We are both on unfamiliar territory and both thrown into a world where there really aren't any right answers. Our rabbi once told us during premarital counseling that marriage is an opportunity to create. We get to define us and how we are going to be as a couple. Well, parenthood is the same way. We have a huge opportunity to create this unique family as we see fit, but we have to be on the same page about that, and that takes a LOT of communication. Luckily, this is our strength. But, even for a couple who boasts about their communication skills, we have had our struggles. There are times we had to just ignore each other for a while, sit out in our own corners until we had cooled off enough to come back to a better place. I knew becoming a parent was going to be a challenge. But, becoming a co-parent has been a whole other challenge. We brought with us our past, our dreams, our wishes for our child - and those things may or may not be the same. Huge learning curve for both of us! People who have kids "to save a marriage," well, that's just a death sentence really! Dumbest thing I've ever heard!

I remember being in the hospital the night after Banner was born just chatting in the dark with Sam. We talked about how hard it would be to have gone through the birth process and the huge life-changing event that we were going through if we didn't already know each other so well. Sam wondered how couples who didn't know each other for as long or as deeply as we did could manage such a big change. I feel the same way now. I thank God every day that I have an understanding husband who knows me inside and out, sometimes better than I know myself. I am so fortunate that we have learned how to communicate even better than before in order to make our family work!

There are going to be ups and downs when it comes to parenting, I know. But, I watched my mom make parenting decisions on her own since my parents were divorced and all the discipline was pretty much up to her. She got to do things her way, without objection from another parent. I knew I'd have to compromise on occasion, and compromising on what you think is best for your kid is beyond difficult! But, ultimately, isn't our happy marriage staying happy the best thing for Banner in the long run? (Say yes... it will help us validate our cruise we're planning to take just the two of us later this year!)  So, we continue to work through all of these hiccups that parenting has brought to our relationship.

Like I said before, though, there is not one other person on the face of this planet who could take Sam's place, who would know me and trust me the way he does. Thank God for our history. Thank God for our friendship. Thank God for "I'm sorry!" (Love DOES mean having to say you're sorry! And, often! My friend, Casey, wrote a great Valentine's Day post about this... "I'm sorry I haven't brushed my teeth all day." "I'm sorry I threw that pacifier across the room." "I'm sorry I snapped at you in the middle of the night!" (My other friend, Mandy, told me it was a rule in her house that nothing said in the middle of the night counted! Love this rule!) "I'm sorry I forgot to put Banner's formula back in the fridge and now the entire quart is spoiled." "I'm sorry I let Banner eat the mail on the way in from the mailbox, and now he's swallowing bits of paper." "I'm sorry I have to work late tonight and the next night, and you'll be on your own!" "I'm sorry I didn't listen when you said Banner was going to go for that cup of water on the coffee table next to my computer!")

So, 30 months later, here we are. I am still my beloved's, and my beloved is still mine! Sunday night, Sam and I just cuddled in bed not wanting to let each other go. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and I kept telling him how much I loved him. It's been an interesting past few months, but I think our marriage is even stronger because of all we've learned. We have learned how to walk away when we're losing it, we've learned how to speak to each other after some time of quiet reflection, we've learned that it's hard to stay upset with each other, we've learned how to balance each other out and take care of each others' needs. We've learned to let each other sleep in once a week. We've learned how to allow each other personal time. We've learned each others' limits and triggers and how to recognize cues and solve problems before they arise.

30 months is nothing. We have so many more months ahead of us, I pray! Our marriage is still in its infancy, I know. But, I'm proud of how far we've come, even when I didn't know how far we had to go! I thought we'd just slip right into this parent thing - getting along on every aspect. I'm glad we have learned and I'm glad we're in this together. I love being married to Sam. I love being his wife. There are days I just want to stay in his arms and not move!  I just feel like this life is flying by, and it makes me want to freeze time. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I miss him when he's right in front of me. Every "sixth" of each month, we tell each other "Happy Monthiversary!" and I love that. I love the sixth of every month, just like I love the ninth of every month when we celebrate a new month in Banner's life. So, happy 6th, Sam. Happy Monthiversary! I love you!

InTENSE

I swear my shoulders have been tight since recovering from my C-section. I remember being in the hospital and asking my mom and/or Sam to rub my shoulders, feeling like my shoulders were rocks. I know that the intense soreness at that point was due to post-surgery issues, but I don't think I've let them relax since that June day. While I'm not in any pain, I'm not enjoying the tense feeling I constantly have since Banner came into my life. That sounds awful, as if my baby has caused me to hate my new tenseness, and I hope you know I fully understand that this feeling is certainly not his fault, and if I have to live my life with a stressed out body while reaping the benefits of the joy my son brings me, then so be it! I don't want to come across as if I'm complaining about my precious boy - the extreme bright light of my life! But, this parenting thing has caused more stress than I could have ever imagined, and it is not subsiding!

I have to remind myself many times throughout the day to drop my shoulders. I have to tell myself, even when falling asleep, to relax my face and to let my body relax into the mattress. Stop squinting, stop clenching my jaw, stop holding my shoulders up, let my head fall limp. I have never wanted a massage so badly in my life.

I've been reading a few parenting books and blogs that help me know I'm certainly not alone in this new world I've entered. Of course I knew parenting was hard; I'm not completely stupid, naive, or ignorant. I just didn't know to what extent. My favorite blog right now is Dooce.com, specifically previous posts from when her daughter was born (2004). My favorite book is Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. Both of these authors write about their adventures with motherhood and how it's such a tough adjustment. I find myself reading their words with a complete sense of understanding, while at the same time feeling like someone else understands me - took the words right out of my mouth! So many of MY readers say that my blog does that for them, but maybe I needed that... to read someone else's words and feel like I'm not completely crazy for thinking, feeling, behaving, analyzing the way I do!

There's something so powerful about knowing you are not alone in a crazy new world. And, it really helps to talk to women who are going through this change, this adjustment NOW. God bless play dates! So many "seasoned" mothers want to give me their advice (when I really don't need any), or tell me "this too shall pass" or that "it gets easier," when I'm not complaining, I'm not upset, I'm not needing it to pass. I just need understanding. That's it. I just need to know that this new constant stress, this feeling of guilt, this nagging feeling of a constant to-do list, this lack of control, this lack of sleep, this worry and anxiety, this curiosity about when I'll ever relax again... that all of it will be understood and appreciated by someone else going through it.

It helps to laugh about it, and that's what these other women have given me. It IS funny. It's hilarious that we all feel the same way about our new lives, even though it's a dreadful adjustment. We just need to relax every now and again with people who "get" it.

We also need a few moments to just get away - even for a small amount of time. The past two mornings Sam took Banner to my mom's before work (typically, I'm the one to drop Banner off). What a treat! While I hated to not be the one to drop him off (and this was accompanied by some feelings of guilt!), I blared that music and sang so loud and felt my shoulders drop as I danced like a crazy lady on the way to work! I had some ME time for 15 minutes, and it was amazing! I didn't have to worry about getting Banner out of the car or if I had all of his things or if I was too loud or if I was boring him or....anything! It was just me, like old times, and it ROCKED! In fact, my friend at work told me I seemed way more relaxed and happy this morning. I was.

Please don't misunderstand, people. I missed my boy like crazy, but it was nice to have me to myself again! I guess I didn't realize just how much I missed myself. I thought, as I was almost in tears from getting my old energy back, that I can be a better, more fun, more relaxed mommy if I just had a few moments to myself every now and then - when someone else is in charge of Banner for a few moments, when I can do what I want (which does not include work, running errands, or chores around the house).

Being responsible for someone else's safety, health, nutrition, learning, care, development, hygiene, etc... it's overwhelming. No wonder I'm tense. I don't blame myself, and I wouldn't want it any other way - to have my little man and all his sweetness he brings to my life. I just want to be a great mom to him, and I don't want to lose myself in the stress. I can't be all that I can be without ME! Does that make sense? This life IS stressful. It is SO worth it, though. And, I'm just going to have to learn ways to take care of myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. So, I'm going to go enjoy some pizza with Sam now - pray Banner sleeps straight through the night until 7:00am, and remind myself to keep my shoulders down.

For more on a related topic (lack of sleep) take a look at this post. I love this woman!

Eight is Great!

Eight months old, and we have less of an infant and more of a little boy! Banner is ALL OVER THE PLACE! He is one mobile little kid, and he has mastered so many new skills. Only a couple days after my last update, Banner became a speed crawler! Put him down, and he's literally right behind you, keeping up with even his Daddy's strides. "Be careful," is a commonly heard phrase in our house, not only to Banner but to Sam and me, as we remind each other how vulnerable Banner is now - to being stepped on, to picking up any random piece of dirt or misplaced unsafe item, to slipping on hard floors, and to any number of other accidents as he's crawling, pulling up, and cruising around... yes, cruising around! He's pulling up on anything and everything - coffee table, my legs, bookshelves, crib, toy organizer/rack, outer side of the Exersaucer (one of the more potentially dangerous items as it pivots when he uses it for leverage), the bathtub ledge, walls, chairs, couches, and (his favorite) boxes. In the past week or so, his favorite thing to do is to drop an item while he stands propped up then lean down to grab it without falling. He's mastered "taking a knee" and "lunging," and he's starting to climb up on whatever is around.

Although we are baby-proofed, we're only as safe as Sam and I remember to keep things. No more leaving our beverages out on the coffee table, no more forgetting to put the nail clippers away, no more dropping a morsel of food and waiting to pick it up later, no more trusting that bottom shelf items will be kept safe from Banner's hands or that he'll be safe from whatever danger they may bring to him, no more leaving the dishwasher unlocked or slightly open.... it's exhausting! :) I knew it was coming, just didn't think it would get here so quickly. He was mobile before he was 7 months, and by his 7-month birthday, he was a true crawler. Within a week after crawling, he was pulling up on whatever he crawled to. I'm really proud of him, but I kind of miss that sitting stage... or at least my control-freak, worried part of me does! Since Banner's been on the move, he's really learning what it feels like to bump his head - sometimes on purpose, but more often on accident. He's even had a bloody nose when he slipped and his nose met the kitchen floor. (Scarier for me than for him, I'm sure!) But, he's been a trooper, and he's a fast learner... now he falls more gracefully, and I see him attempting to catch himself or brace himself or even protect himself better now.

In other news, he's waving "bye-bye" and sometimes "hello." He's babbling more - lots of "dadada," "bababa," "yayaya," and "mamama." We've heard a few "na" and "ka" sounds but not often. He's giving kisses when we're especially lucky!! (MY FAVORITE!!) He's making all kinds of "raspberry" sounds and experimenting with his lips, mouth, and vocal chords, and yes, he's still growling on a daily basis. He's napping much better these days, and he's sleeping 11-12 hours with 0-1 interruptions per night. He's gotten very good at putting himself to sleep. Because Banner napped well for Grandma before he did for Sam and me, I've copied her routine, and now he's so much more successful at napping when in his crib at home. Thank you, Grandma!!!

Speaking of Grandma, (this really could be an entirely separate post on its own!) Banner is in great hands each work day when he's with her. He is really thriving there, and if I have to be at work and not with my baby, I'm so thankful/grateful/appreciative/blessed that he gets to spend his days with her. Each workday, we back out of the garage and call Grandma to let her know we are on our way. Then, when we walk in to her house, Banner is all smiles. He loves the songs she sings to him and the places she takes him. She does fun things with him (like playing outside or having picnics) and teaches him new tricks (like somersaults!) and she often tells him about Bubbie before naptime. (In fact, Banner typically falls asleep to the same song each nap time - to the song Grandma calls "Bubbie's Song" which is really "Somewhere Out There.") Thank you, Mom, for everything you are doing to help keep my baby boy so happy, so healthy, so smart, so safe, and so loved!!

Physically, Banner is growing taller and leaner. He's probably around 20 pounds, but that's a guess based on our recent clothed weighings on our scale that only measures in half pounds. His hair is getting longer and becoming wavy/curly. It also seems to be getting lighter. His eyes are still a beautiful blue and are lined with long curled eyelashes. He still has no teeth, but we are checking for his bottom left tooth on a daily basis as the mound of gum there continues to show signs that a tooth is SO close to making an appearance. Every day I feel like a kid on Christmas morning, looking to see if Santa came. I've been so giddy with excitement waiting for that pearly white to pop up, but still nothing.

Our schedule is still pretty much the same: Banner wakes up between 6 and 7am, has a bottle, Prevacid, and oatmeal. He's up for about 2 hours, and then he'll sleep usually between 1-2 hours. He has another bottle around 11 (or 10 if he got up much earlier than 7). He'll usually nap again in the early afternoon, and he'll have another bottle between 2-3pm. He may or may not take another short nap in the late afternoon, and dinner is served (usually barley or rice and a fruit and veggie) around 5:30. Bedtime routine starts no later than 6:45 with a relaxing bath, and Sam gives Banner his fourth bottle around 7:00. He's mostly drinking about 7 ounces in each bottle - sometimes less these days. He'd MUCH rather eat the solids or finger foods - bagels are a favorite.

Many of the things I once said about my newborn are true about my little boy today. Banner loves music, he loves deep hugs, and he's extremely strong. He still loves to eat, although not as ravenously as he did with those early bottles. At this point, every food we've offered (including peas, now) has been well received. Banner also continues to meet milestones on his own terms, when he's ready, with little probing from anyone. While we all (Sam, me, and Grandma) encourage the new skills, no one is pushing him to reach them, and he rarely stays in one developmental stage for long - once he's mastered a skill, he's already working on the next one! Sometimes I want to just tell him, "Banner, slow down! Just enjoy sitting/crawling/rolling over/whatever! There's no rush, no hurry! Just enjoy being a baby!"

Each day, I love my sweet angel more and more... hard to believe that I could love him any more, but I fall more and more in love with the person he is becoming and who I'm getting to know better each day! I really LIKE this kid, too! He's got a great personality, such a fun sense of humor, and is so affectionate. He's smart, quick, and strong. He's so loveable! He's got the most gorgeous eyes, and his smile brightens everything inside of me! I still tear-up as I say goodnight to him - almost nightly - because I am so happy, so in love, so proud, and so in awe of my boy. It's an overwhelming feeling that brings me to tears, that makes me love my husband even more, that makes me believe in God even more, and that makes me deeply grateful for every single day of the past 8 months!

Happy 8 Months, Banner Boone!

I thank God everyday that I get to be your Mama!

I love you!

Losing it!

Yes, I know my past few blog posts have been about losing something, but this one takes the cake. Losing control, losing track, and now losing IT.

Imagine this: I'm walking down the hallway of my school. I have just come back inside from helping with a student at recess. I have my lunch in my hand, as well as my office keys dangling from my wrist, while I'm walking towards the teachers' lounge to eat. I'm texting my principal to give her an update about another student, and all of a sudden, I panic. I feel my pocket for my cell phone, and it's not there! I cannot find it. Where the heck is it?! Where could I have left it?! Maybe it's in the other pocket. No! It's not there either!! My mind races as I quickly try to retrace my steps of the past 10 minutes or so because I KNOW I had my phone! But, now where is it?!

That's when it hits me. I'm texting my principal, STARING at my PHONE!!

I'm losing my mind.

Losing Control, Continued

So, after I published my last blog post, my pregnant friend emailed me to tell me how much she liked what I had to say. She wanted to make sure, also, that I didn't think she was being silly for saying what she said about feeling out of control. Of course, her comments are not silly in the least! She is dead-on... right on target as she embarks on this parenting journey! Here is what I emailed back to her:

"Glad it made you feel better… you just made me think of how I really haven’t posted about this topic, and it’s an issue I tackle every day. In fact, a teacher friend of mine who has 2 kids -one in elementary school, one in preschool – told me she loved my post and that control is an issue for her on a daily basis still. We had a 5 minute venting session, and she told me that no matter how old Banner is, it will always be an issue, but that the reasons for it just change. Where I’m waiting for him to finish a bottle so I can keep getting ready for work, she’s arguing with her daughter about keeping her hair fixed that morning. It’s always going to be something, and as a new mom in the early days of Banner’s life, I would almost have panic attacks recognizing that my “old life” was completely gone. . . Banner wasn’t going anywhere (not that I wanted him to, of course!!) and he would be in my life FOREVER. I couldn’t undo any of it even for a moment. A couple nights ago, I pulled the sheets over me and Sam – completely over our heads, and said, “Look, it’s just us again!” I love my baby, and I love being a mom, but sometimes I miss having control, having time for Sam, having alone/me time, and certainly having worry-free days/nights. It’s a huge transition, and it’s good to ask questions, vent, and pick others’ brains. If anything, it reminds you that everything you’re feeling is normal and NOT crazy!! I like you MORE for saying what you said because you’re being real about your feelings and thoughts. I can’t stand moms who won’t talk or act like everything is perfect. It’s one thing to be optimistic, hopeful, or excited about your baby and mommyhood, but it’s another to act like it’s not hard. I’m always here for you, and I know you are for me, too!"

I thought this response was publish-worthy because it speaks to how Moms can really help each other if we just open up and discuss our honest emotions. It is SO.NOT.EASY, so why go-it alone? Why not support each other? This blog has been an outlet for me, but it has also opened up conversation between my friends and family to help me (and them!) through any rough patches and certainly through transitions that we are all facing. Just like I used to (and still do) go look at blogs of moms whose kids are older than my child, I have become a sounding board for moms of kids younger than Banner. And, even though we're all putting this information out there in cyberland, I'm feeling so much better about knowing that we're creating a community for safe disclosure and of supportive guidance where no question or concern is too crazy, silly, or unshared. So, keep blogging, keep talking, and keep being authentic about your feelings. After all, I'm not so sure when they say, "It takes a village," that the village isn't there to also help keep Mommy sane!

Losing Control

Once upon a time, I was very much in control of my life. I felt pretty confident in knowing that I had things pretty neat, tidy, and contained right where they needed to be. No, I'm not talking about physical things or space (although that applies here, too). I'm talking about my mind and my feeling of "togetherness" that I've usually felt pretty secure with. In psych classes in college, we learned about locus of control - external and internal. I'm very much an "internal" locus of control person. I firmly believe that if I am prepared, if I do my part, if I think ahead, if I plan and stay focused, if I initiate, if I perform to the best of my ability, if I focus on my behavior, thoughts, and actions, etc... then I will be just fine. And, if I fail at something, then it's my fault. As opposed to those who have an external locus of control, I do not blame others, I don't leave things to chance, and I don't blame a higher power or the environment when things go wrong. So, very much feeling like I have control in my life, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to give up control with a baby in my life now. I knew before becoming a parent that I'd have to adjust to this, but I guess I never realized to what extent.

Sam has an external locus of control. When he was in college and would do poorly on an exam, he would blame the teacher. He'd say the test questions were unfair. He had to put up with me griping at him because I felt that HE could control things better and that he should be blaming himself, not outside factors. I still believe that, and there's no changing my mind on how absurd I believe his thinking was and can be. But, that's the control freak speaking... and honestly, sometimes I wish I could let go and share some of his mentality that I can't control everything. Because, Lord knows, I am not in control of SO much of my life.

A pregnant friend of mine asked me today if I ever felt out of control when I was pregnant. She really opened a can of worms with that question, as I hashed out all my feelings about how I have never felt more out of control in my life - starting with pregnancy and continuing every minute of the day now! Yes, there are things I can control, but so much of life since Banner has been a learning curve for me as I try to accept that I can't control everything. Even when we were trying to conceive, I did everything in my power to get pregnant sooner. . . but there's only so much you can do, right?! That was a big lesson in leaving my dreams, prayers, wishes, and hopes up to biology and/or God's hands. Pregnancy was one of the most amazing, yet one of the scariest times in my life: not knowing how the baby was doing. . . not being able to see him and "check on" him. And, of course, labor and delivery - no control over that!

We don't get to control when we get pregnant, the baby's gender, when we'll go into labor, how labor will go, how well breastfeeding progresses, how healthy our babies are, etc. I did everything in my power to make the right decisions and control what I could by listening to my doctor, reading what I could, talking to experienced moms, staying healthy, eating right, etc.... but at some point, you have to breathe and just let it go. Banner has taught me that I have no idea what's coming! I can plan all I want, but ultimately, I have absolutely no control over what happens.

Want examples? Well, I can't control his sleep. I can't control when he gets sick. I can't control his development, his curiosity, his growth, his schedule even! I can't control how loudly he cries or if he's going to fall asleep in the car. I can't control how much or where he spits up. It's all just out of my hands. Please don't misunderstand... I'm not trying to control HIM or his life; I don't want to be that kind of parent. But, it's really amazing that this little baby, before he was even born, could make a grown, educated, successful woman feel so entirely out of control! It's remarkable how this tiny creature has wreaked havoc on 30+ years of feeling in control. So much of his life, his needs, his schedule dictates my life now, and letting go of knowing my own life now is going to be a major work in progress for a long time.

So what CAN I control in this chaotic new lifestyle? It helps to be organized, to stay on top of chores around the house, and to have a diaper bag ready for any number of issues. It helps to read up on my baby and his development. I can call the doctor when I need to. I can give up on the idea of ever getting a really good night's rest, even when Banner sleeps soundly through the night! I can recognize that he will get sick, he will hurt himself, and he will hurt another baby sometime before he's one... and I can just accept it. I can take a day off if I need to, and I can be okay with the fact that I haven't been on time to work since winter break. . . yes, I admit it... write me up. (See? Look at me letting go of perfection!) It helps to have a schedule in my mind as a tentative, yes TENTATIVE, guideline. I can give up expectations of any kind! It helps to order-in every now and then! I can rely on Sam, and I can always vent to friends or pick their brains for help. Most importantly, I can be patient with myself and my need to feel in control in an uncontrollable life. And, then, I can blog about it!

Losing Track

You've heard the term "pregnancy brain" before, and maybe you don't really buy into the fact that being pregnant and having crazy hormones rush through your system can cause memory lapses and bouts of forgetfulness. I'm not sure what it is - hormones or not - but it certainly exists, and it certainly does not end with pregnancy. People always told me, when I would comment about my pregnancy brain, that it continues long after pregnancy, and I totally did not believe that! I thought they must be just making an excuse for being forgetful, or maybe they were just having a good laugh about getting older. Whatever their reasoning, I knew they were lying, exaggerating, or just making stuff up! Well, I was wrong. What started with just a few mindless acts such as forgetting to close the door to my gas tank or not being able to come up with a familiar word has turned into a full-blown inability to keep track of dates, time, situations, conversations, etc.

Ask any of my friends or family members and they will tell you that I have a great memory. I remember the most random of things from every birthday in my family to who my friends went to prom with and what they wore. People will even call me to ask a question about any given memory that they know I hold for them. This used to annoy me when it came to Sam because he wouldn't remember things that I thought were really important - special dates, what we did on certain occasions, etc. But, I've come to learn that not only is having a better memory a female trait more than a male trait, but, in my case, I'm quite talented at this memory thing, so I shouldn't blame him for not being able to keep up with my gift of memory. (This does not, however, excuse him from forgetting easy stuff like when I asked him 1000 times to write thank you notes or remembering to call someone back!)

It's been a running joke that the ultimate irony in my life would be for me to develop Alzheimer's or some other memory-loss problem. I really hope that doesn't happen, as I know how scary that can be - and it's really nothing to joke about. But, from the beginning of pregnancy, I realized my memory would never be the same. At first, I started losing words that I knew well. My vocabulary was shot, and I couldn't come up with the names for items any Kindergartener would know. I started to be unable to think quickly like I could in days past. My principal would ask for my help on a project, relying on me to be the quick, clever thinker she always praised me for being. But, I began to let her down slowly throughout the pregnancy. As I said earlier, other moms would joke that not only is this common but that it doesn't get any better after delivery. I'm finding out - they're right!

Sam has texted me twice in the past week to ask me when we ate a certain meal for dinner - making sure that the left-overs he took to work are okay to eat. I have not been able to answer either question, even though the meals were made quite recently. Someone asked when Banner first slept through the night and I knew the date, but I couldn't remember how old he was at the time without calculating it. Then, they asked what we had done differently that night, and I had no recollection. (It's all written down, but I couldn't remember without my notes.) Not only am I forgetting everything, I'm losing track of time altogether. I'm aware of time, but I can't keep it in perspective. I can tell you to the day how old Banner is. I know the date of every day, and I'm very aware of the clock because Banner's "schedule" revolves around it (and I can't wait for Sam to come home each night!). But, I can't tell you how long ago something happened, and everything in the past 7+ months just runs together as if it's been one long day since we left the hospital. My perspective of time has completely been shot.

If you were to ask me when something happened, I would have no idea. I might think it was a week ago, when it was just yesterday. I might think it happened three days ago, and it was three weeks ago. My friend asked me when I saw a particular movie... no idea. I was referring to a date night the other day, and I couldn't remember when the heck it was. I keep a calendar, but it's not helping me much these crazy days. I just hope it passes soon, or maybe I'll develop a new way of functioning to deal with this problem. I'm worried it's not going to change.

I had a long talk with a parent of two adolescent girls this past weekend. She mentioned that her girls make fun of her for not remembering things. She thought maybe it was just aging that was taking a toll on her memory. In talking with me and some other new, younger moms, she realized that it's not age, it's the stress of caring for and remembering so many events for your child(ren). The human brain is capable of many things - but when on overload, it's hard to remember so many little things.

The biggest challenge has been at work. My memory issues are causing me to have to write everything down, place Post-Its all over my desk and computer monitor, and do as much as I can in one day so that I don't have to remember to do it later! I can't remember if I've given that teacher the forms to fill out; I can't remember which kids I'm supposed to meet with without my calendar; I can't remember what that parent said in that meeting without referring to my notes; I can't remember that student's perspective of a discipline issue without really thinking hard before reporting my findings to the principal. . . etc. I'm flying by the seat of my pants on a daily basis as I try to remember everything at work ... in addition to everything at home: what time Banner woke up, when he ate last, when he's due to eat again, how many ounces he finished at his last feeding, what new food we're trying and how many more days we need to feed it to him before we introduce a new food, which birthday party we have coming up this weekend, if we got a gift for the baby shower we have coming up next weekend, and the list goes on! Luckily, my boss is well aware of my new faulty memory and just laughs with me when we are trying to reflect on and remember a situation or conversation as I look at her with "I have no recollection of this at all!" eyes. I am hopeful that things will get easier or better, or at least I hope to accommodate my new memory (or lack thereof) in an efficient way. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be patient with myself and my new life with Baby, and I'm really hoping I haven't already blogged about this and forgotten!

Another Great Read

So, my good friend, Randi, sent me the link below earlier this afternoon. Her message in her email said, "We needed to read this today." She was so right! Last night was just awful, so I needed a good reminder that I'm not alone, that parenting is hard work, and that I'm probably doing this exhausting thing right. So much of what this author writes could have come from me. She's got it exactly right, in my opinion, and I love how honest she is.

A little background from last night: Sam was out of town on a business trip. He was gone for two nights, so I decided I'd spend those nights at my mom's house since I had work both days and, since Banner spends those days at my mom's anyway, it would save me the frustration of getting both of us ready for the day and out the door on time. The first night was great. Banner slept like a champ, and the two short "paci-interventions" lasted only seconds when he did wake-up. The second night was a disaster. I decided to go to bed early - (ha! that should have been my first indicator that the night would be a failure... I've learned that God laughs when I try to get sleep!). Anyway, about an hour after I fell asleep, Banner woke up crying and was inconsolable. I paci-ed, I rocked, I patted, I back-rubbed, I even decided to try a few ounces of formula. I rocked him back to sleep twice, and both times he woke up the moment I put him back in the crib. Finally, frustrated and hoping not to wake everyone else in the house, I went to my mom's room for MY mommy! She and I decided to give some Tylenol to relieve what we thought might be teething pain, even though Banner had already had a dose four hours earlier. We changed his diaper, thinking that might be the issue - something I am totally against if you can avoid as the cold air might wake a tired baby more. Two hours into the crying fit, Mom suggested I leave and try to get some sleep. She said she'd handle the crying. Reluctant to leave her since I hated to leave her with MY child, my responsibility, I went ahead to try to sleep. 10 minutes of screaming later, I went back into Banner's room to help. He reached for me, and when I held him, he calmed just a bit but didn't stop altogether. Mom said she thought maybe he was having some separation anxiety since he got much more upset when I left the room. We finally decided to just let him lay in bed with me, and after a few minutes of calming himself down and looking around the dark room, Banner smiled and cuddled with me. I told Mom to go on to bed, and I just decided to cuddle Banner all night. I hate "caving" and allowing him to sleep in my bed, but it was rough for both of us to put up with the crying/screaming. I hated hearing him like that, I had work the next morning, and he seemed to really need me. We both snuggled up together - warm and cozy (which may have been the problem to begin with... maybe he was cold?) - and before I knew it, I was crying as I enjoyed the close cuddles with my baby. Hours before, I was frustrated, angry, anxious, and annoyed, but in this calm, peaceful moment when the crying had subsided and all Banner wanted was to be close to me, I just took it all in and loved being with my little guy.

This article reminded me that it's THESE moments that I need to embrace, that will pass all too quickly, that make all the hard times worth it. I've been feeling very much like I need to "Carpe Diem" like the author of this article explains, and I get annoyed when I get annoyed - because I know how fast time will pass (and IS passing) by. I want to embrace every moment, memorize every face, touch, smell, and sound of my baby, and soak up each passing day with great excitement, happiness, and joy. But, it's just so damn hard sometimes, and I get so frustrated, annoyed, anxious, tired, stressed, etc. Yet, just like Tom Hanks' character says in A League of Their Own, "The hard is what makes it great!" Amen! Now, read on:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html