Losing Track

You've heard the term "pregnancy brain" before, and maybe you don't really buy into the fact that being pregnant and having crazy hormones rush through your system can cause memory lapses and bouts of forgetfulness. I'm not sure what it is - hormones or not - but it certainly exists, and it certainly does not end with pregnancy. People always told me, when I would comment about my pregnancy brain, that it continues long after pregnancy, and I totally did not believe that! I thought they must be just making an excuse for being forgetful, or maybe they were just having a good laugh about getting older. Whatever their reasoning, I knew they were lying, exaggerating, or just making stuff up! Well, I was wrong. What started with just a few mindless acts such as forgetting to close the door to my gas tank or not being able to come up with a familiar word has turned into a full-blown inability to keep track of dates, time, situations, conversations, etc.

Ask any of my friends or family members and they will tell you that I have a great memory. I remember the most random of things from every birthday in my family to who my friends went to prom with and what they wore. People will even call me to ask a question about any given memory that they know I hold for them. This used to annoy me when it came to Sam because he wouldn't remember things that I thought were really important - special dates, what we did on certain occasions, etc. But, I've come to learn that not only is having a better memory a female trait more than a male trait, but, in my case, I'm quite talented at this memory thing, so I shouldn't blame him for not being able to keep up with my gift of memory. (This does not, however, excuse him from forgetting easy stuff like when I asked him 1000 times to write thank you notes or remembering to call someone back!)

It's been a running joke that the ultimate irony in my life would be for me to develop Alzheimer's or some other memory-loss problem. I really hope that doesn't happen, as I know how scary that can be - and it's really nothing to joke about. But, from the beginning of pregnancy, I realized my memory would never be the same. At first, I started losing words that I knew well. My vocabulary was shot, and I couldn't come up with the names for items any Kindergartener would know. I started to be unable to think quickly like I could in days past. My principal would ask for my help on a project, relying on me to be the quick, clever thinker she always praised me for being. But, I began to let her down slowly throughout the pregnancy. As I said earlier, other moms would joke that not only is this common but that it doesn't get any better after delivery. I'm finding out - they're right!

Sam has texted me twice in the past week to ask me when we ate a certain meal for dinner - making sure that the left-overs he took to work are okay to eat. I have not been able to answer either question, even though the meals were made quite recently. Someone asked when Banner first slept through the night and I knew the date, but I couldn't remember how old he was at the time without calculating it. Then, they asked what we had done differently that night, and I had no recollection. (It's all written down, but I couldn't remember without my notes.) Not only am I forgetting everything, I'm losing track of time altogether. I'm aware of time, but I can't keep it in perspective. I can tell you to the day how old Banner is. I know the date of every day, and I'm very aware of the clock because Banner's "schedule" revolves around it (and I can't wait for Sam to come home each night!). But, I can't tell you how long ago something happened, and everything in the past 7+ months just runs together as if it's been one long day since we left the hospital. My perspective of time has completely been shot.

If you were to ask me when something happened, I would have no idea. I might think it was a week ago, when it was just yesterday. I might think it happened three days ago, and it was three weeks ago. My friend asked me when I saw a particular movie... no idea. I was referring to a date night the other day, and I couldn't remember when the heck it was. I keep a calendar, but it's not helping me much these crazy days. I just hope it passes soon, or maybe I'll develop a new way of functioning to deal with this problem. I'm worried it's not going to change.

I had a long talk with a parent of two adolescent girls this past weekend. She mentioned that her girls make fun of her for not remembering things. She thought maybe it was just aging that was taking a toll on her memory. In talking with me and some other new, younger moms, she realized that it's not age, it's the stress of caring for and remembering so many events for your child(ren). The human brain is capable of many things - but when on overload, it's hard to remember so many little things.

The biggest challenge has been at work. My memory issues are causing me to have to write everything down, place Post-Its all over my desk and computer monitor, and do as much as I can in one day so that I don't have to remember to do it later! I can't remember if I've given that teacher the forms to fill out; I can't remember which kids I'm supposed to meet with without my calendar; I can't remember what that parent said in that meeting without referring to my notes; I can't remember that student's perspective of a discipline issue without really thinking hard before reporting my findings to the principal. . . etc. I'm flying by the seat of my pants on a daily basis as I try to remember everything at work ... in addition to everything at home: what time Banner woke up, when he ate last, when he's due to eat again, how many ounces he finished at his last feeding, what new food we're trying and how many more days we need to feed it to him before we introduce a new food, which birthday party we have coming up this weekend, if we got a gift for the baby shower we have coming up next weekend, and the list goes on! Luckily, my boss is well aware of my new faulty memory and just laughs with me when we are trying to reflect on and remember a situation or conversation as I look at her with "I have no recollection of this at all!" eyes. I am hopeful that things will get easier or better, or at least I hope to accommodate my new memory (or lack thereof) in an efficient way. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be patient with myself and my new life with Baby, and I'm really hoping I haven't already blogged about this and forgotten!