InTENSE

I swear my shoulders have been tight since recovering from my C-section. I remember being in the hospital and asking my mom and/or Sam to rub my shoulders, feeling like my shoulders were rocks. I know that the intense soreness at that point was due to post-surgery issues, but I don't think I've let them relax since that June day. While I'm not in any pain, I'm not enjoying the tense feeling I constantly have since Banner came into my life. That sounds awful, as if my baby has caused me to hate my new tenseness, and I hope you know I fully understand that this feeling is certainly not his fault, and if I have to live my life with a stressed out body while reaping the benefits of the joy my son brings me, then so be it! I don't want to come across as if I'm complaining about my precious boy - the extreme bright light of my life! But, this parenting thing has caused more stress than I could have ever imagined, and it is not subsiding!

I have to remind myself many times throughout the day to drop my shoulders. I have to tell myself, even when falling asleep, to relax my face and to let my body relax into the mattress. Stop squinting, stop clenching my jaw, stop holding my shoulders up, let my head fall limp. I have never wanted a massage so badly in my life.

I've been reading a few parenting books and blogs that help me know I'm certainly not alone in this new world I've entered. Of course I knew parenting was hard; I'm not completely stupid, naive, or ignorant. I just didn't know to what extent. My favorite blog right now is Dooce.com, specifically previous posts from when her daughter was born (2004). My favorite book is Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay by Stephanie Wilder-Taylor. Both of these authors write about their adventures with motherhood and how it's such a tough adjustment. I find myself reading their words with a complete sense of understanding, while at the same time feeling like someone else understands me - took the words right out of my mouth! So many of MY readers say that my blog does that for them, but maybe I needed that... to read someone else's words and feel like I'm not completely crazy for thinking, feeling, behaving, analyzing the way I do!

There's something so powerful about knowing you are not alone in a crazy new world. And, it really helps to talk to women who are going through this change, this adjustment NOW. God bless play dates! So many "seasoned" mothers want to give me their advice (when I really don't need any), or tell me "this too shall pass" or that "it gets easier," when I'm not complaining, I'm not upset, I'm not needing it to pass. I just need understanding. That's it. I just need to know that this new constant stress, this feeling of guilt, this nagging feeling of a constant to-do list, this lack of control, this lack of sleep, this worry and anxiety, this curiosity about when I'll ever relax again... that all of it will be understood and appreciated by someone else going through it.

It helps to laugh about it, and that's what these other women have given me. It IS funny. It's hilarious that we all feel the same way about our new lives, even though it's a dreadful adjustment. We just need to relax every now and again with people who "get" it.

We also need a few moments to just get away - even for a small amount of time. The past two mornings Sam took Banner to my mom's before work (typically, I'm the one to drop Banner off). What a treat! While I hated to not be the one to drop him off (and this was accompanied by some feelings of guilt!), I blared that music and sang so loud and felt my shoulders drop as I danced like a crazy lady on the way to work! I had some ME time for 15 minutes, and it was amazing! I didn't have to worry about getting Banner out of the car or if I had all of his things or if I was too loud or if I was boring him or....anything! It was just me, like old times, and it ROCKED! In fact, my friend at work told me I seemed way more relaxed and happy this morning. I was.

Please don't misunderstand, people. I missed my boy like crazy, but it was nice to have me to myself again! I guess I didn't realize just how much I missed myself. I thought, as I was almost in tears from getting my old energy back, that I can be a better, more fun, more relaxed mommy if I just had a few moments to myself every now and then - when someone else is in charge of Banner for a few moments, when I can do what I want (which does not include work, running errands, or chores around the house).

Being responsible for someone else's safety, health, nutrition, learning, care, development, hygiene, etc... it's overwhelming. No wonder I'm tense. I don't blame myself, and I wouldn't want it any other way - to have my little man and all his sweetness he brings to my life. I just want to be a great mom to him, and I don't want to lose myself in the stress. I can't be all that I can be without ME! Does that make sense? This life IS stressful. It is SO worth it, though. And, I'm just going to have to learn ways to take care of myself so that I can be the best mom I can be. So, I'm going to go enjoy some pizza with Sam now - pray Banner sleeps straight through the night until 7:00am, and remind myself to keep my shoulders down.

For more on a related topic (lack of sleep) take a look at this post. I love this woman!