Losing Control

Once upon a time, I was very much in control of my life. I felt pretty confident in knowing that I had things pretty neat, tidy, and contained right where they needed to be. No, I'm not talking about physical things or space (although that applies here, too). I'm talking about my mind and my feeling of "togetherness" that I've usually felt pretty secure with. In psych classes in college, we learned about locus of control - external and internal. I'm very much an "internal" locus of control person. I firmly believe that if I am prepared, if I do my part, if I think ahead, if I plan and stay focused, if I initiate, if I perform to the best of my ability, if I focus on my behavior, thoughts, and actions, etc... then I will be just fine. And, if I fail at something, then it's my fault. As opposed to those who have an external locus of control, I do not blame others, I don't leave things to chance, and I don't blame a higher power or the environment when things go wrong. So, very much feeling like I have control in my life, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to give up control with a baby in my life now. I knew before becoming a parent that I'd have to adjust to this, but I guess I never realized to what extent.

Sam has an external locus of control. When he was in college and would do poorly on an exam, he would blame the teacher. He'd say the test questions were unfair. He had to put up with me griping at him because I felt that HE could control things better and that he should be blaming himself, not outside factors. I still believe that, and there's no changing my mind on how absurd I believe his thinking was and can be. But, that's the control freak speaking... and honestly, sometimes I wish I could let go and share some of his mentality that I can't control everything. Because, Lord knows, I am not in control of SO much of my life.

A pregnant friend of mine asked me today if I ever felt out of control when I was pregnant. She really opened a can of worms with that question, as I hashed out all my feelings about how I have never felt more out of control in my life - starting with pregnancy and continuing every minute of the day now! Yes, there are things I can control, but so much of life since Banner has been a learning curve for me as I try to accept that I can't control everything. Even when we were trying to conceive, I did everything in my power to get pregnant sooner. . . but there's only so much you can do, right?! That was a big lesson in leaving my dreams, prayers, wishes, and hopes up to biology and/or God's hands. Pregnancy was one of the most amazing, yet one of the scariest times in my life: not knowing how the baby was doing. . . not being able to see him and "check on" him. And, of course, labor and delivery - no control over that!

We don't get to control when we get pregnant, the baby's gender, when we'll go into labor, how labor will go, how well breastfeeding progresses, how healthy our babies are, etc. I did everything in my power to make the right decisions and control what I could by listening to my doctor, reading what I could, talking to experienced moms, staying healthy, eating right, etc.... but at some point, you have to breathe and just let it go. Banner has taught me that I have no idea what's coming! I can plan all I want, but ultimately, I have absolutely no control over what happens.

Want examples? Well, I can't control his sleep. I can't control when he gets sick. I can't control his development, his curiosity, his growth, his schedule even! I can't control how loudly he cries or if he's going to fall asleep in the car. I can't control how much or where he spits up. It's all just out of my hands. Please don't misunderstand... I'm not trying to control HIM or his life; I don't want to be that kind of parent. But, it's really amazing that this little baby, before he was even born, could make a grown, educated, successful woman feel so entirely out of control! It's remarkable how this tiny creature has wreaked havoc on 30+ years of feeling in control. So much of his life, his needs, his schedule dictates my life now, and letting go of knowing my own life now is going to be a major work in progress for a long time.

So what CAN I control in this chaotic new lifestyle? It helps to be organized, to stay on top of chores around the house, and to have a diaper bag ready for any number of issues. It helps to read up on my baby and his development. I can call the doctor when I need to. I can give up on the idea of ever getting a really good night's rest, even when Banner sleeps soundly through the night! I can recognize that he will get sick, he will hurt himself, and he will hurt another baby sometime before he's one... and I can just accept it. I can take a day off if I need to, and I can be okay with the fact that I haven't been on time to work since winter break. . . yes, I admit it... write me up. (See? Look at me letting go of perfection!) It helps to have a schedule in my mind as a tentative, yes TENTATIVE, guideline. I can give up expectations of any kind! It helps to order-in every now and then! I can rely on Sam, and I can always vent to friends or pick their brains for help. Most importantly, I can be patient with myself and my need to feel in control in an uncontrollable life. And, then, I can blog about it!