Guilt: A New State of Being

I'm going back to work in a couple of days. I've been dreading this week for at least five months now, and I can't believe it's finally here. I've tried my best to put it out of my mind until it actually arrives, but it's always been hovering over my head like a guillotine ready to fall. I know I had a lot more time with Banner than other working moms get with their kids before maternity leave runs out, so I'm not complaining. My pregnancy fell at a beautiful time considering that I work for a school district. . . a summer birth right after the last week of school gave me 2 free months without having to take time off, then FMLA allowed me 60 work days off to be a mom getting to know my baby.  I couldn't have planned it better (well, I didn't "plan" it that way; it just sort of happened like that)! But, that doesn't take away from the pain, anxiety, sadness that comes with having to go back to the work force and leave my son with other caretakers. Luckily, for the next several weeks before the holidays, my mom will be taking care of him each day. There's no one who would take better care of him, so I will feel comfortable being at work - at least until January when he starts daycare.

But, the point of this posting is all about the guilt I have felt as a mom since the day Banner was born. Why? Well, because no matter what I do, I feel worried and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing by him. Here's yet another glimpse into my thinking from day to day:

I should be a stay-at-home mom and spend every moment with Banner. No, I should be a working mom and show him how important it is to have a job. I should show him how great it is that women can work and have a family, and I should use the degrees I worked so hard to get to teach my child about higher education and the importance of learning. I should spend more time interacting with him. No, I should leave him to entertain himself more often. I don't know what's wrong; why's he crying? I should fix it! No, I should let him cry-it-out; he needs to learn how to soothe himself. I should let him sleep. No, he sleeps too much! I should get a nanny so he doesn't get germs at daycare. No, he needs to go to daycare to be exposed to germs to build immunities. I need to make his room colder, he's going to get hot. No, his room needs to be warmer, he's going to freeze. Sam and I should go out alone more often because that's good for Banner, too. But, no, we should spend as much time with him as we can. Banner wakes too easily when there's noise, so I should be extra quiet during sleep times. No, I should have been louder when he was a newborn (which I was!), and/or I should just go about my day and he'll have to learn to sleep though it! He loves the TV - I'll let him watch a little. No, studies show that's awful for kids under 2; I should turn it off.  Banner loves the bath, I should let him stay in it longer. But, no, it'll dry out his skin if I let him take a longer bath. He shouldn't fall asleep in the swing for naps, it's not good for him. But, he loves it and doesn't fight sleep that way, so maybe it's okay. He wants his pacifier, I should let him have it as much as possible. No, he's going to have speech problems, or he'll end up being dependent on it too much. Oh, and, the whole breastfeeding issues - but let's not go there again!

Ay ay ay! The never ending cycle of thoughts that contradict each other and create more guilt on my part! It's ridiculous, but it's a universal, common feeling. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts - although I may over-analyze much too often - something that I'm well-known for and often, yes, guilty of more than I'd like to be. But, taking care of a tiny, helpless, innocent, beautiful creature that I brought into this world puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. And, for whatever reason, mothers seem to be the ones to worry more often. Sam would tell you I need to chill out, but that's a lot easier said than done. I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope, trying hard not to teeter too much to one side and do the "wrong" thing - if there is a "wrong" thing. It's a balance that I want to keep even at all times, but that's just really hard to do. And, these decisions are not life-threatening decisions. . . they're actually kind of minor - but, they are decisions nonetheless.

So, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm just going to feel guilty most of my life when it comes to my child(ren). I figure I'll always be thinking, "I should have done this..." or "I could have done that..." - always questioning my choices and how they impact Banner's development, happiness, health, safety, comfort, future, and well-being. And, currently, this whole work thing is in the spotlight of concerns. So many working moms, so many stay-at-home moms... it really doesn't matter which, but you have to come to terms with your decision and know what's right for your own family, and I have a feeling this will be an ongoing decision. It's going to keep coming up. See, I told Sam last night that, in my mind, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Maybe that's because I have been for the past few months; maybe it's because I've always envisioned that when I was younger; maybe it's because I'm hoping that's in my future. Who knows... but it's causing mental discomfort when thinking of myself at work and my son somewhere else. I know there are pros and cons to both staying at home and to working, but either way I'll feel guilty . . . and be forewarned, if you read this blog often, you'll be reading a lot more on this topic in the future while I DO come to terms with this ever-changing, ever-frustrating decision! This is just another state of being, I guess. So, while I come to terms with being back at work, I'm going to think about it this way: I'm a stay-at-home mom who works just 5 days a week. :)

5 Month Update

So, our little man is 5 months old today! He's growing up so fast, and there's so much to share. Since the four-month post, so much has changed:

• Banner is eating solids now! He eats rice cereal and oatmeal (which he prefers over rice). He's tried only one veggie so far, since we started those only two days ago. So far, peas are a NO! He does not like them at all. He's gagged on them both nights. Poor kid.
• He sleeps in only footsie pajamas - no swaddle, no Pekemoe, no sleep sack. 
• He rolls tummy to back on both left and right sides. And, just a few days ago, he figured out how to roll back to belly! He is now rolling every which way!
• He is sitting up unassisted for minutes at a time. In a week or so, I'm betting he'll have it down for much longer than a few minutes. He uses his hands to help him balance when he starts to tip a little.
• He has only four bottles a day (all about 8 oz) at approximately 7:00, 11:00, 2:30, and 7:00. He eats cereal in the morning after his bottle, and he has "dinner" at 5:30ish. 
• We start our bedtime routine around 6:15-6:30ish. He's usually dozing around 7:00.
• He's sleeping from about 7 until 6:30am. 
• Banner loves deep hugs, zerberts, tickles, and bouncing on my knees. He loves to experiment with his voice, and he's moved out of growling all the time to wanting to squeal and sometimes scream with joy. 
• He has been napping the first nap of the day in my bed with me, and I love this! I will miss this next week when I'm back at work. I still have the weekends, but this is something I look forward to everyday, and he sleeps so well in our bed. . . usually a 2 hour nap from about 8:00-10:00 or something similar.
• He loves his friends and enjoys play dates. He wants to interact with other kids - often reaching for them or trying to "talk" to them.
• His eczema is getting better, but we have to stay on top of it with lots of moisturizing cream and meds when he needs them. His cradle cap is less scaly, but his scalp is still pretty dry looking. The dermatologist told us the other day that the red, chapped-looking skin under his chin is from drooling so much.
• Yes, he's drooling all the time! He's definitely teething, but no teeth yet! I check every single day! The constant use of bibs is not only for the reflux now, it's also for the pool of saliva that trickles down his chin most every minute he's awake.
• And, yes, the reflux is still a major problem. I'm hoping by 6 months old we'll have a "non-spitter," but I'm not feeling that it's going to resolve so easily. Our doctor told us it would resolve by 3 months, then he said by 4 months, now he's saying by 6 months. I'm pretty convinced that next check-up he'll say 9 months. Annoying? Yes! For everyone involved, but mostly for Banner.
• He rubs/grabs at his ears when he's tired, and he scratches at his eyes. I wish he would just use a closed fist to rub his eyes when he's sleepy, because he often nicks the bridge of his nose with his very strong fingernails (which I cut and file daily to no avail!).
• Banner got to meet his distant cousins and great aunts/uncles on his dad's side this week. Although they were here for Sam's mom's funeral, it was nice for everyone to meet him and to get to play with him a little. He spent 5 nights in a row at Grandma's house, and he did really well going back and forth during the day.
• He had his first party - a Halloween party - and played with 8 other babies. He was quite the host! :)
• Although we didn't have an official weight/height since we didn't go to the doctor this month, we're guessing he weighs about 16.5 pounds. He seems to be getting considerably taller overnight, too! I swear the other night he grew an inch at least!

I've been both looking forward to and dreading the 5 month mark. It means my baby is getting more interactive, more predictable, more sociable, and definitely more fun! But, it also marks my time being up from playing "stay-at-home" mom. Next week, I head back to work, and I'll miss my days with Banner. I've been so good about play dates, pictures, videos, and just being there for every milestone and fun moment - so I'm very sad for what this next stage means. I'm hopeful it will be an easy adjustment. I just have to say that these past 5 months have been the most jam-packed months of learning, challenges, triumphs, joys, tears, frustration, and constantly growing love! I am so proud of all Banner's accomplishments; I'm glad I have been here every step of the way. And, as my nephew told me the other day, going to work each day keeps me from Banner only for about 8 hours, and then I get to have him in the evenings. That's a long time each day, but I'll take anything I can get! Each moment with him is a gift. Thank you, Sam, for letting me spend these tender, special days with our boy. And, Happy 5th month to my sweet angel!

 

All About Bubbie

Dear Banner, 

When I started this blog, I made it a hard fast rule to never write about my "in-laws." There was so much I could have written in the early days of engagement, wedding planning, and being married just because joining a family that exists well without your presence is beyond difficult, and it lends itself to lots of great posts about how to build a bridge between "your" family and "his" family. But, I felt that this particular area of "newlywed-hood" was simply best left untouched as I figured out how to develop bonds and relationships with each "new" member of my family. Until now.

Mostly, I want to write about your Bubbie, Daddy's mommy... my mother-in-law. Earlier this week, Bubbie died suddenly and unexpectedly. You are only four (and a half) months old, and you spent very little time with her in your short life thus far. I'm so sad that Bubbie and you were not given enough time to get to know each other. I want you to know just how much she was looking forward to meeting you. I remember the night Daddy and I told her that we were expecting a baby (YOU!) on Thanksgiving Day of 2010. Her response is crystal clear in my mind today as she shouted with exuberant excitement: "GET OUT! GET OUT!!!" She was so thrilled - smiled ear to ear with a grin I was so happy to see! She was SO excited about you. She couldn't wait to help offer names when she found out you were a boy. She would send text messages to Daddy and to me, and she created lists of names from A-Z (literally!) that she thought would be nice for you.

Your Bubbie knew me from the time I was 16 years old and on. She used to love to call me late at night, even when I was still a teenager, just to get to know me better. She told me that she loved how easily I could talk to her and to Zaide when I would go visit Daddy at their house - even before we were dating. Although she often shared WAY too much information about her private life, and she often forgot she was talking to a girl much younger than herself, she always seemed to know just how special my relationship was with Daddy. She wanted us to be together so badly, and even when the timing wasn't right for Daddy and me to be together, she was our cheerleader and reminded us to give it time, to not give up.

She loved your Zaide so much, too. He was certainly the love of her life, and she used to tell me that she loved him the most in life and that she could hate him the most in life too. She taught me that when I get upset with Daddy and feel so angry, it's only because I love him so much that it can hurt so badly.

She loved music, movies, and talking on the phone. She loved her family so much, but she liked her alone time, too. Nothing she said was short and "to-the-point," but that's what made talking to her so funny and special. We'd venture off-topic numerous times during a conversation, and she'd often pause and say, "I don't know how we got to that!" She was funny and goofy. She was lively and spiritual. She made great green bean casserole and would make it special for me many times.

She was soothing and calming. Once, when Aunt Gayle asked Bubbie to come over and help her babysit you, the moment you heard Bubbie's voice, you calmed. They told me that you looked at her face with awe and wonder. You knew her.

I could probably name all the dates and the occasions that you spent time with Bubbie, and this makes me glad to have these memories but so sad that they were so few. To name a few/most of them: your birth day, two days later at the hospital, your Bris, Father's Day, Daddy/Zaide's birthday celebration, when she spent the night with us, a couple times she babysat while I went to the doctor/dentist, July 4th, when she brought Miles over because he wanted to visit you, your Baby Naming, Labor Day, and October 2 (the last day I saw her). Interestingly, Daddy saw her on October 6 for a date night with her - to see the musical, West Side Story. That was the last night he saw her, and when Daddy and I went to the State Fair, on October 15 - that was the last time you spent time with her. So, Daddy and I like that we can tell you how YOU saw her more recently than either of us!

Your Bubbie had great legs, she loved watching family videos over and over again, and she said being at our wedding was like being in a movie. She told me several times that she couldn't wait to be a grandparent with Grandma; she said she thought they would be wonderful grandparents together. She said she could just see them together at birthdays helping out, laughing together, and loving their grandchildren. I'm so, so sad that she never got more than 4 months of that time. But, I know her spirit will live on, and she'll be at every one of your birthday parties!

It hurts so much to think that Bubbie is not with us any longer. I know how much Daddy, Zaide, and your aunts loved having her around. She was cookey and silly, she was full of words and wisdom, she was real and down-to-earth. She could make you laugh and make you cry in the same phone message - which typically lasted at least 2 minutes long. She said things like, "Flush as you go" when talking about going to the bathroom, "Look out for the other guy" when we left to drive somewhere, and "You're grounded!" when she was teasing us about something we said that she disapproved of. She loved being pregnant, much like I did. She had a contagious laugh, and she was a great storyteller, . . . sometimes she told the same ones over and over again, too. I can't tell you how many times I heard the story of Daddy's birth!

She kept the entire extended family in touch, and she knew all the gossip and updates on everyone. She took great pride in keeping her home looking and smelling clean.  She loved to massage Daddy's head... she thought massaging his upper forehead would stimulate hair growth when he was little - but we laughed with her about how she probably caused his receding hairline. She welcomed me into her family with open, loving arms, and she thought of me as her own daughter ... in fact, she wished I had been more willing to call her Mom, or Mom J.

Bubbie knew how to calm me when I was scared. Once, when Daddy had his wisdom teeth out, he actually fainted at home that night. I dialed Bubbie's number faster than I ever had before - I didn't know I knew her number that fast!! - and she was over in two minutes helping me take care of Daddy. I was scared and unsure of what to do, and she fixed it. Another time was Daddy's bad car accident within the same year of our wedding. I needed to see Bubbie that night, when I was scared and unsure of how hurt Daddy was. We hugged and cried together, and I knew she understood how terrified I was. I'm sad that the one person who loved your Daddy as much as I did - the one person who could share that deep "can't live without you" love - is gone. I'm sad that I don't know how to make Cream of Wheat for Daddy the way Bubbie did. I'm sad that sometimes, when Daddy just wants his own Mommy, he won't have her - and I won't hug him just the way she did or rub his head just the way she did. I can't replace her, and that's not my job - but I really miss her FOR him. And for you, sweet boy. I miss all the memories you never got to make with her. I miss the joy you would have continued to bring to her. I hate that your siblings (if you ever have any!) won't ever know her, and she'll never know them.

In our religion, it is considered a mitzvah (a good deed) to help bury someone who has died. It is the last gift you can give that person, to help bury his/her body and lay him/her to rest. Daddy shoveled dirt onto Bubbie's coffin, and then I did. And, then together, we both used the shovel to place dirt over Bubbie's coffin for you. I want you to know this because I want you to feel that you were a part of her funeral and burial. I want you to know that we helped you give Bubbie a big gift, the last gift anyone can give. Bubbie knew those shovel scoops were from you, and it was the hardest three scoops I've ever shoveled. Through tears, I told her that you loved her. I told her that you would know all about her.

Bubbie believed in an afterlife, she believed in God or something greater than herself, and she believed in reincarnation. I'm hopeful that she believed correctly and that she's happy wherever she is. I believe if she's right that she will be with you every single day - watching over you and wanting you to be happy and healthy. I know she loved you and continues to love you now. I'm so sorry you won't get to know her, but I'm glad that she knew about you, that she knew you were a strong, healthy boy, that you smiled and laughed for her, that you calmed for her, and that she felt you in her arms. I can't wait to tell you more about her, your Bubbie, and I hope you know that she is a part of you, and we are so grateful that you are here!

Love,
Mommy

Your first picture with Bubbie

Your last picture with Bubbie

I Miss You

I miss you, restorative sleep.
I miss you, long showers.
I miss you, lunch.
I miss you, loud music in the car. . . loud anything for that matter.
I miss you, ME time.
I miss you, my formerly relaxed back and just generally feeling relaxed.
I miss you, sleeping in.
I miss you, guilt-free days. (More to come on this topic if it doesn't make sense!)
I miss you, long talks on the phone with my best friend; I miss you, gardening, bottle-free counter tops, and just one day of laundry per week.
I miss you, staying up late - for fun!
I miss you, worry-free days.
I miss you, "seamless" belly.
And I really miss you, nerve-endings in my lower abdomen.
I miss you, spit-up-free clothing, carpeting, and furniture. I miss you, bare floors without toys strewn about, stress-free date nights, and dark bedroom now lit by the video monitor glow.
I miss you, hair!
I miss you, leisurely wake-ups... I miss you, leisurely anything!
I miss you, uninterrupted sleep.
I miss you, answers.

But, one day soon, we will all see each other again! And, one day, I will miss the late night visits with my baby, the toys strewn about the floor, the sounds of baby lullabies, the sweet smell of baby on me all day, and the time I have with my infant at this young, innocent age! So, come back soon, each and every one of you - but know that your distance for now is worth every second with my smiling, giggling bundle of love and joy!

Experiment #3: SOLVED!

If you read this post, then you know I've been running some experiments over at this house. I'm happy to say that EXPERIMENT #3: What is Causing the Flesh-Colored Bumps on Banner's Skin? has been resolved. After 2 months of having no idea what to do in order to treat these bumps, I finally decided to take Banner to the dermatologist. Since most doctors are not really skilled in this very specific area, I decided not to take the advice of my pediatrician who told me to wait until Banner was 6 months before doing anything about the "rash." Well, given that the symptoms developed around 2 months old, I decided another 2 months was NOT in the plans for my baby boy who may or may not be experiencing discomfort from them, nor was I going to put myself through the agony of not knowing what to do to help him. (Side note: the pediatrician had asked us if Banner was bothered by the rash. I told him I didn't think so because he didn't scratch or cry about it. Later, when we asked the doctor if Banner's ear-rubbing could be indicative of an ear infection, he said Banner was too young to localize pain. Hmmm.... so how was I supposed to know if his skin hurt or itched him? It was when the back arching started that I decided enough was enough!) So, I played the "Mommy card" and grabbed the reins on this decision. I told Sam I was calling the dermatologist the next day and there was nothing he could do to stop me. His response: Okay!

I think we are both glad I made this decision, too. See, the bumps had not only taken over his entire body, minus his diaper area (which is important to note), but they had become red. His face had gotten to be so dry, and he looked chapped on his cheeks. I kept thinking it was just heat rash since it got worse after the Race for the Cure heat and exhaustion. I treated him as if it were heat rash - and I did the worst thing I could have given his future diagnosis - and I withheld moisturizing lotions. If it had been heat rash, locking in the heat with moisturizers only aggravates it, so I did not give him any lotion for a couple days. I also wanted to see if he was allergic to the lotion since I rarely put lotion on his bottom, which - again - was the only place he did not have these bumps. Since I put diaper rash cream on him pretty regularly to avoid diaper rash, I figured that was keeping these bumps away from this sensitive area.

When the condition didn't clear with all my interventions - changing soaps, changing lotions, withholding lotion, changing detergent, etc. - I finally threw in my white lab coat to get a real, expert opinion. Thank God I did! Turns out this kiddo has eczema, a condition that not only needs moisturizing, but it also needs a prescription from time to time. The dermatologist asked lots of questions about what we have done, tried, noticed, etc. The fact that it is not in his diaper area also clued her in that this is eczema since that area is always warm and protected well with special cream.

She advised us to do the following to clear up the eczema:
-bathe him daily with soap (we had been skipping soap every other night but bathing daily, so this was easy to do)
-use Aquaphor baby wash/shampoo
-after bath, use the prescription medicine on the rash-y areas, including his face, back of the ears, neck, etc.
-after the medicine, apply Cetaphil CREAM (not lotion, as we had been doing before stopping)

Within two days, we saw a major improvement, and almost a week later, we are not using half as much medicine as we did on that first night (she said to stop using it on the areas that clear once they were, in fact, cleared up). Banner has slept better (most nights) since his skin has cleared. He was always kiss-able to me, but now he's extra delicious, with that baby soft skin he had a couple months ago! We've also been treating some pretty icky cradle cap with mineral oil and a soft toothbrush to comb out flakes. . . another recommendation by this gentle savior of a dermatologist. We'll go back to her in a week to check in, and I'm going to be so happy to report that his skin is so much better! Now, if only we could solve the other two continuing experiments!

To Market, To Market

In the past two weeks, I've gotten three opportunities to get out of the house after Banner went to sleep for the night. All of those times, I went to shop. I'm not a shopper - at all! I hate it, really. I'm not your stereotypical woman who likes to spend all day at a mall, and I hate running errands to get things, but these particular outings were amazing. Sam stayed with Banner after I settled B into his crib, and I took my sweet time listening to the radio as loud as I wanted before and after wandering the aisles at Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, and our "local grocer," as Sam and I like to call it.

I never liked to shop before Banner was born, but now I really find it difficult to do because I'm on his time line. I never know when he's going to be cranky or fussy, and even if I go when he's in a great mood, well fed, and well rested, he just can't sit in his stroller/infant seat for that long. His wakeful time is usually only an hour and a half to two hours, so my errands must be quick between travel time and shopping time.  So, I've realized the best time to actually get these errands completed is after he's asleep for the night, when I can have some alone time and mosey the aisles for however long I want! I can actually THINK about what I need/want instead of having to rush because I'm afraid Banner will go ballistic on me if I don't hurry it up.

I know these are the simple, small things, but hey, I'm a new mom with very little time to myself these days, so I'm appreciating any moment that allows me to just be.

New Shoes

This post is not about footwear . . . not whatsoever. I want to talk about the new shoes I stand in as a new mother. I want to talk about judging judgments. I want to talk about all the "When I'm a mom..." comments that I once made that are different now that I'm actually a mom. I want to talk about how you can't truly judge anyone else's decisions when you haven't been exactly where they are, and even then, you're walking on thin ice. I want to talk about the right to change your mind and be accepting of yourself for seeing a new perspective that you never thought you'd see.

As a school counselor, I teach young elementary students about empathy. We often play a game called "Walk a Mile," which teaches kids to put themselves in other peoples' shoes and try to imagine what that person would feel like. It's a game filled with scenarios like, "A boy in your class just got new glasses, and everyone keeps whispering and pointing," and the kids are supposed to talk about how that would make the boy feel and what they might do to better the situation. They are learning what other people might experience; they are learning that feelings are universal; they are learning to imagine someone else's emotions. This is an important lesson for young kids - to know that others have feelings and that we are capable of empathizing and inferring how a person feels AND that those feelings may differ from our own. But, somewhere along the way, you also have to learn not to JUDGE those feelings of others. What if the boy in the given situation loved the attention he was getting, rather than being embarrassed or hurt by the whispers and pointing? I feel like I'm learning this lesson so often - again and again - since becoming a mom. I think I was learning it way before Banner's birth, even in wedding planning, dating, buying a home, etc., but it's never been this big of a lesson until now.

So, what exactly am I talking about? Well, I was one of those people who always said things like, "When I'm a mom, I'm never going to let my baby watch TV," or "I'm going to breastfeed no matter what." I watched/read reports that indicated some amazing research we should take to heart, and I would say, "Oh, when I'm a mom, I'm totally going to remember that study and follow what they said," like in the case of not feeding solids before Baby is six months old. I was living in a fantasy land of sorts - thinking my kid was going to be perfect, my house would be immaculate, my husband and I would always be on the same page, and we would have a spectacular routine that left us full of energy and created stress-less times of ease and comfort! Don't get me wrong - I knew it would be difficult, and I had seen other people who just couldn't get to this calm, restful, structured, healthy, perfect life - so I knew it wasn't easy to obtain. Yet, I was going to be different. I wasn't going to be one of them!

Then LIFE HAPPENED! Literally - I gave birth to a creature who had a mind and body of his own, and he had other plans for me. Almost all of my preconceived ideas of my life-after-baby went completely out the window! I learned that my fantasies were exactly that - fantasies! It was time to SURVIVE! I went into survival mode, and I don't think I've come out of that phase completely. My house is very often a complete disaster; my child is unpredictable much of the time as he's changing and growing; Sam and I have to work extremely hard to stay on the same page and sometimes we never get to that point on certain topics, and "routine" is a foreign word and a foreign concept to me at this point. Many days, I'm just making it through, and if the damn TV helps keep my baby calm and happy, then I'm watching that flashy box with him!

I had told myself that I would breastfeed no matter what, no matter the pain, no matter the inconvenience, no matter my work schedule, etc. I used to judge others who didn't nurse because I thought they were lazy and selfish. I had heard about women whose milk supply was low, so they couldn't breastfeed, and I thought that was a nice excuse to get out of something difficult. I told myself, no matter what, I was going to work through whatever issue and not be one of those "lazy, selfish" moms. But, what I've learned is that I had NO idea what was coming. I had NO idea how hard things were going to be, what could go wrong, or how I'd feel in the reality of a situation. I remember sitting in the hospital thinking how judgmental I had been on this topic for so many years and feeling awful. How DARE I judge others when I had not been where they were! I had no idea what this would be like, what it would feel like, what the realities really were!

So, I'm walking through life with new shoes. They are MY shoes, and everyone has their own, and although I teach my students that they can (and should) be able to put themselves in other peoples' shoes, you can't truly do that until you are experiencing it for yourself - and even then, a perspective will be different. I've learned it's SO entirely unfair to judge any person's decisions about how they raise their child(ren), how they make decisions for their families, how they run their lives. You just don't know until you're there. And, in addition to that, having preconceived ideas about what YOU might do in a certain situation, only sets yourself up for feelings of failure, defeat, and disappointment when you realize you were wrong - that you didn't see the big picture, the real picture.

Not only have I realized that I did this in my pre-mommy days, but I'm realizing that people without kids are just as judgmental as I was before. I've been on the receiving end of that judgment when kid-less people think they know something. I'm nice and sensitive to where they are in their lives (since I was there once, too), and I smile and nod, but really, I want to say, "You have no idea what you're talking about, and once you have a kid, get back to me on that!" They just don't know yet. And, I'm not judging them (Ha! That would be ironic!) because I know they THINK they know, but they have no idea! Just like I didn't. I'm not saying child-less people don't have a clue, because some of the most poignant statements have come from child-less friends and family members. In fact, my sister (who is not a parent) has made several deep-thought comments that she was 100% right about. Sometimes I wonder how she knew the things she said in such a right way - or how did she know how to say it like that to calm me down? So, it's not necessarily an issue of having or not having kids, it's just an issue of knowing how not to be judgmental about someone else's life, choices, or decisions when you haven't been there yourself.

We all do this, too.... and it's not isolated to our kids. I remember my brother saying he was never going to take his kids to fast food restaurants years before his first baby was born. Yeah, right! I remember saying I would always eat dinner at the kitchen table - and how many nights have we eaten dinner on the couch? There are plenty of examples to think about, but the main point here is that you just never know until you're living the life you are in! We often have ideas about how things are going to be, and once we're really living our life and experiencing things we never have before, only then do we find out what it's really like.

This posting is my way of releasing myself from all those judgments I internally passed upon others. It's freeing myself from the set of rules I had made for my life as a mom. Banner has given me a new pair of shoes to walk in, a pair of shoes that no one else will ever wear. This pair of shoes will take me places I never knew I would go - nor could I ever have imagined such places. Some of these places I may not have ever wanted to go, but the miles I will walk in them will be amazing no matter what anyone else thinks!

I'm hoping this post will start a dialogue about all the things you once claimed you would (or wouldn't) do as a mom, or as anything (a professional, a wife, a homeowner, a friend), that is different now. Comments, anyone?

Hardest Job on Earth

Oprah used to say on her show that parenting was the hardest job on Earth. I still don't know how she knew this without being a parent, but she was so perfectly right! Now, I haven't had that many jobs before, and I don't know every job there is out there, but this parenting thing has to be the hardest one  for several reasons which I'll get into in a minute. The only jobs I've ever had in the past (and present) center around children, child development, and education. I've worked with kids of all ages - infants to teens - and I thought I knew a whole lot about them. Oh yeah, and I was one once - one with a really good memory, too. I'm not saying I thought I knew everything there was to know about children, but I woulds say I had my fair share of knowledge and skills when it came to entertaining, watching, nurturing, caring for, and teaching children. So, what makes this parenting thing so hard?

Well, no one really puts it in this perspective when you're pregnant, but you're pretty much applying for  and accepting an offer for a job, a career, that you can never quit. It's a job that offers no raises or promotions, and it doesn't even come with bathroom breaks! There are no nights or days off, there are no substitutes, there are no sick days or vacation times. Furthermore, there is no training before accepting the job. You just get hired and thrown into a whole world of "I have no idea what I'm doing!" You get the opportunity of a lifetime without any experience, but you are the expert on this child (or these children, if you have more than one). Since every kid is different, you don't get to look up the answers on the Internet or in a parenting book, and no one else will have the answers for you. What worked once may never work again. What worked with one child may not work with your next. It's a job full of questions, trial and error, and frustrations. Gwen Stefani, in this month's Parenting magazine, was asked what job would best prepare a person for being a parent. Her response, "Nothing could ever prepare you." They also asked what's the craziest thing she's done while sleep deprived. Her response: "Everything I've done for the past five years, I've done while sleep-deprived." Love it - her pure, honest, raw responses just make me glad I'm not the only one feeling so overworked, overtired, and unprepared for what this new job entails.

It's the most important job anyone could ever do - you're caring for and raising a human being to (hopefully) be a decent citizen. It's the most exhausting thing because you're never really off-duty. The mind will continue to worry, to fear, to be concerned, to question. You hope you're doing the right thing, and often times, the result of your decisions won't be known for quite a while. Many times, the gratification of a "job well done" will be very delayed. There's no boss telling you you're doing a great job or helping you with your weaknesses/challenges.  The only co-worker you have, if you are lucky enough to have one, is the other parent who is just as clueless as you are.

I never really understood what Oprah meant; how could I? My own mother told me all of these things before I had Banner, but it's something you have to experience for yourself before truly grasping the difficulty and appreciating the challenge. This job comes with its intense demands and overwhelming struggles, and you get no monetary compensation - in fact, you pay quite a bit of dough to have this job - to pay hospital bills, medical bills, put your child through college, take care of his teeth, clothe and feed him, keep his clothes clean, entertain him, enroll him in lessons of a variety of things, and so on. But, the compensation is beyond any other job, too. The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the longing looks of love, and the cry that subsides when only you hold him - those are the rewards, the job perks, that no other job could provide. It's a daunting thought to accept a job that you can never get out of, that you can never get a break from, that you will still have 30 years from now... but I wouldn't trade it for anything! This job makes me appreciate my mom in a whole new way - and I hope one day Banner will get to be a parent and realize all the challenges I once went through raising him. I also hope he'll understand how much he's loved and how I wouldn't trade it in for anything. I hope he'll one day reap the benefits, the delayed gratification, and the love and pure joy of the hardest job on Earth.

Bring on the Solids!

About a week before we took Banner to his four-month check-up, Sam and I were getting increasingly more excited about the possibility that he would be able to start enjoying something more than formula for his meals each day. Every checklist that I found on the Internet and in my books at home reflected that Banner was ready for solids:
-he can sit up with support
-he has outstanding head and neck control
-he seemed hungry for more
-he always wanted to see what we were eating and watched us eat
-he had doubled his birth weight, and he was close to 15 pounds

We were worried our pediatrician would tell us to wait until he was older - closer to six months like so many doctors recommend - but we were hopeful because we saw so many reasons to get started already. Interestingly, when I was pregnant, I watched a news report about how starting babies on cereals/solids before 6 months of age was correlated to a higher chance of obesity later in life. The report also indicated that a baby's first food should be a brown rice as opposed to a starchy, white rice so that his first bites were not setting him up to have a sweet tooth in the future. Well, I was adamant that I was going to follow both of these rules - no solids until 6 months, and it wouldn't be a white rice! Months later, here we are, HOPING we can start as soon as possible and not even caring any more what grain it is - just wanting permission to give our growing boy some substance that he'll like and enjoy - and MAYBE even help with the reflux problem. Oh, how reality changes your opinions and judgments! (This idea is a whole issue yet to be blogged about - the fact that you can never say what you will absolutely do or NOT do because you just never know until you're in the situation. . . I've wanted to blog about that particular topic since my labor/delivery and the aftermath of breastfeeding gone bad! Stay tuned!!)

So, anyway, we saw the doctor and were so thrilled that he wanted us to start cereal - rice cereal - that day! We already had bought bowls, spoons, wipe-able bibs, and the box of cereal! I had even given Banner a spoon to explore a few days before the appointment. We were set! I knew he would love it! We were also excited that we had more of a feeding schedule to go by. He eats a "dinner" now - which sounds so funny to be excited about, but I am! I love that he has a "meal" each night, and although he only eats about a tablespoon or less, he's learning what it's like to be a true "eater."

When we got home, Sam asked me if we could play rock-paper-scissors to determine which one of us would get to do the first feeding that night. I rejected the suggestion, and I told him he could have that opportunity since I would be the one to feed him every weekday after that, and this way I could be in charge of the camera and just watch the whole thing! It was so exciting for Sam and me. . . not so much for Banner. He made the screwed up, awful faces you've seen from many babies taking their first bites. He looked at us like we were crazy, and we just smiled back at him with goofy grins! He pushed out most of what went in his mouth, and soon Sam was asking me to help him. I learned that you have to get the spoon on top of his tongue and help him get his tongue out of the way. I also learned to let him just suck on the spoon for a bit to learn what it is and how it feels. Every feeding since then has been easier and more successful, even if he only takes a tiny bit. Watching Banner's tongue, though, reminded me of teaching him how to nurse. Although that entire fiasco was a complete disaster, he did learn to make a trough with his tongue and used his tongue well with the bottle. Now, here we were, trying to teach him to make a new motion with his mouth.

We'll feed him dinner for the next week or so, and then we get to add another "meal" in addition to dinner. Two weeks after that, we'll add in vegetables, introducing a new one every three days before starting fruits. I'm having fun watching him learn this new area of his life - that of being a good eater. Food is an important part of every person's daily life, so I'm excited to introduce my son to this big area of his life - from teaching him nutrition to how to be a polite, well-mannered eater. Sam found this article last week, and it reminded me of all I want to try to teach Banner about food, too. And, as we enter this new stage of B's life, here's to lots of messy, fun, and fulfilling solid meals!!

 I love this next pic... learning to open his mouth correctly!

So Much To Adore as He Finishes Month Four!

My tiny newborn has decided to grow up and get big! He's now four months old, currently 17.5 weeks, which is 123 days old today! It's crazy to think back to those difficult first hours in the hospital which only seem like minutes ago... I thought we'd never reach this point, and time really has flown. The past four months really do seem like one long day; like my previous life just changed into my current life overnight, and it's been one long day of a transition. People said I'd forget what my life was like without Banner - well, that hasn't happened yet! I still remember those lazy, carefree days without my baby - and sometimes I miss the lifestyle we had. But, I wouldn't trade all the sleepless nights, the exhausted mornings, the laundry, the planning, the hair loss, etc. for anything because all that hard work has helped Banner grow into the happy, healthy four month old baby that he is now - and we are so in love with each other.

I'm also so grateful for the four months I've been able to stay home with him everyday. Years ago, I read in graduate school, that the first four months of a baby's life are the time when they bond the most with their caregivers. I read it was best for moms and/or dads to be able to stay home with their little ones until they were four months old because it helped them bond, feel safe, and gain trust. The article suggested that parents are not given enough maternity/paternity leave to help these big feelings develop, and I remember feeling sad that moms and dads and (especially) babies are denied these important months together due to our current system (unlike other systems in other countries that allow much longer PAID leaves - like in Copenhagen, the town we'd pick to live in if we could live anywhere else!). So, I am beyond appreciative and thankful for the time I've had with Banner at this young age. I know it will be so hard to go back to work in about a month and a half, but to be the one to be with him for five straight months (by then) is a true blessing. (And later, the night before I head back to work, a complete curse - which you KNOW I will be blogging about at that time....stay tuned!)

So, anyway, getting back to BBJ, he's four months old!! Here's what he's been up to these days:

-Giggling up a storm! He loves when we take his hands and help him find his head. He laughs when we rub them around his head. He also loves when Daddy gives him "zerberts" on his belly just before bath time. Smooches on his neck and cheeks can also result in laughs.

-Taking a 6-6.5 oz bottle every 3-3.5 hours (5 bottles a day total). He usually eats at 7, 10, 1, 4, and 7, but I think we are on the way to only 4 bottles a day - if he could just make it to eating every four hours... he just LOVES to eat, though!

-Watching us eat! He seems so ready for solids!

-Playing with his feet. He found his left foot first, around 15 weeks, then his right foot came a few days later. He loves to hang on to his toes.

-Sleeping in Peke Moe sleep sack. We gave up the swaddling at the end of week 15 because he kept getting his arms out, scratching up his face (even though I trim his nails DAILY because they grow so fast!), and waking himself up. The Peke Moe has saved us! Check out their website to order one! Banner loves his!

-Grabbing/Reaching for toys and other objects. He will even object if you take something away from him now. We started the Jumperoo at 14 weeks and an Exersaucer at 16 weeks. He holds his head up so well, we figured it was worth trying, and he LOVES both of them. He doesn't jump yet, but he likes to reach for the toys.

-Mostly using his left hand. I'm hoping this changes, but if we have a lefty, we have a lefty! Nothing against left-handed people, but I think the world is a right-handed world! It would be easier for Banner if he was a righty, and selfishly, I think it will be easier for me to teach him to write, catch, bat, kick, etc. if he was a righty.

-GRRRRing! This sound is horrible when you hear it all day long. He grrs and roars all day - even when he's crying. It's a sound he discovered at 16 weeks, and he's been doing it ever since. You'll hear him on the monitor grring away when he wakes up. We call it the "gremlin" voice. I miss the sweet coos that are now covered up by the alien sounds Banner makes. I love that he's experimenting with this sound, but ... enough already! It just sounds like he's hurting his throat. Yet, I'm sure when he stops this, he'll discover a piercing, shrill scream, so I better enjoy the quiet gremlin while it lasts. Another positive about it: he likes when I grrr back to him, and then we have a mini-conversation just growling at each other. He laughs, laughs, laughs at me when I do it back to him!

-Drooling all over the place. We've added saliva to the liquids that are constantly pouring out of our refluxy baby. No teeth yet, but they sure are moving around under those sweet little gums, and the teething and drooling going on over here can prove that. Banner puts anything he can get his hands on in his mouth. I knew these days were coming; just didn't know how soon! Bring on the teethers - and more bibs!

-Size 2 diapers; Level 2 nipples; 3-6 month clothes

-Socializing... he loves to be around other kids. He's attended numerous play dates and parties! We love Ella, Zeina, Adam, Sami, Evan, Landry, Marin, Sydney, Emma, and Caden K! He adores his big cousins, too: Caden, Miles, Mara, Colby, and doggie-cousin Theo, although, to Banner, he seems like more of a horse than a dog!

-ROLLING OVER! The day after Banner turned 16 weeks old, he rolled from his tummy to his back. He rolled to his right side. It was priceless! I wish I had that particular roll on camera, but at least Sam and I both got to see it. We had just come home from the grocery store, and as Sam was bringing the groceries in from the car, I was getting Banner situated on his play mat. I put him down for his tummy time, which he has been tolerating for longer these days, and he just looked like he was going to do it. I quietly "yelled" for Sam - if you can yell while whispering! "Hey! Come here! He's gonna do it! Come here quick!" Sure enough, Sam quietly stood at the doorway watching, and FLIP! Banner turned over! He only did it that one time on that particular day, but he did it again the next. Two days later, he was doing it repeatedly!  Still only from belly to back, and still only on the right side, but he's getting there!! Since Banner doesn't like tummy time like he used to and since he would prefer to sit upright, I thought rolling over would never happen. I kept wondering what I could do to help him, to teach him to roll over, but true to everything else thus far, Banner will do things on his own when he's ready without much intervention from us.

Before

During

After!

We had our four month check-up today, and here are his stats for now:

• WEIGHT: 14 lbs, 13 oz - which is the 50th percentile. He has gained 3 lbs, 13.5 oz since his two month check-up and a grand total of 8 pounds since birth! He's right where he should be considering that many babies double their birth weights by 4 months.
• HEIGHT: 24 and 3/4 inches - which is also the 50th percentile. He has grown 2 and 1/4 inches since his last check-up, and he's grown a total of 4 and 3/4 inches since his birthday. 
• HEAD: 42.2 cm - also the 50th percentile. Last check-up it was 39 cm, and that was our first measurement. 
• Our doctor said he was clear to start cereal this month! We are really excited about this because Banner shows interest in food, can keep his head up very well, and seems to want more than just formula. He's always been such an eater, so Sam and I were pleased to hear this news, even though, when I was pregnant, my plan was to wait until he was 6 months old since I've heard that's better for babies overall. But, he's just so ready. So, we gave him his first bites this afternoon. More to come on this in a future posting! :)
• Developmentally, Banner is "scoring" between 4 - 5 and a half months. He's on-track, if not ahead of where he should be, for his age. They figured this by asking a variety of yes/no questions such as: is he batting at objects, does he look for us when he hears our voices, does he use his arms to push up while on his belly, is he rolling over at least one way, does he grab for objects, does he put his hands together, can he follow an object as small as a raisin, can he raise his head 90 degrees when on his belly, etc. We answered "yes" to almost every question. As I've always noticed from Day 1, he's a strong boy with a strong will. He seems so curious and thoughtful about the world around him.
• He had four shots and an oral vaccination. He didn't care for the oral med and started crying; the shots didn't help that situation. But, it was a short-lived cry, and he seemed to have forgotten about the shots within a few minutes. Sam and I think these shots hurt us way more than they hurt Banner! I certainly hope that's the case! It's so hard to see him in pain. 

Here's to you, Banner! So proud of you today at your check-up! Daddy and I love you so much and have so enjoyed getting to know you and love you these past four months! You are the best thing that has ever happened to us! Keep growing, keep playing, keep learning, keep laughing!