The Mother of All Letters

Dear Mommy-in-Waiting,
Mother's Day brings lots of cards, hugs, flowers, and love to mothers everywhere, and as a mother, I can say I genuinely appreciate a special day to honor so many moms out there who give and give day after day to their families. As a daughter who has one of the best moms who ever lived, I love being able to celebrate her and remind her how special she is to me and to my siblings. But, rarely do we really celebrate the moms-to-be, the mothers who have no idea what is coming, the moms like you who are doing everything you can to take care of the growing baby inside you all these months. You SO deserve this first official Mother's Day! As your body does what it naturally knows to do and works hard to build your baby without much effort on your part, you are giving up so much of yourself physically and emotionally as you sacrifice your sleep, your time away from the toilet (to either puke or pee), your back, your stretch mark-less skin, your once perky breasts, your clear, sharp brain, and your ability to put on your shoes and socks without help. You have embraced motherhood already by welcoming indigestion, flatulence, morning sickness, constipation, swollen feet, and sore breasts. So, I commend you on making a grand entrance into this world of motherhood.

But, I also want to take the opportunity to tell you what so many people won't. Trust me, this may not seem like a gift, but time and time again, I wish someone had told me what my life would be like on "the other side." As I made my way from my childless self to married with child, I left behind a world I knew so well, a world that revolved around me. I had no clue what being a mother meant and how truly difficult, life-changing, and amazing it would all be.

Sure, people tried to tell me, but they really weren't specific. Even my own mother tried to tell me how things would be (at least she claims she did - my pregnant brain does not remember this at all!). My best friend told me she spared me the details because I "just wouldn't have understood." And, quite honestly, she was right. But, I'm going to try to tell you some things with the hopes that you'll be more aware of what's coming, or at least that once you are wise enough to realize that your fantasy of "my baby will be perfect and this will be easy" is truly a fantasy, you'll come back to this letter and think, "OH! That's what she meant!!"

As an aside, let me just say that I'm not making this up from just my own perspective; this letter comes with more voices than I can count, as I've heard story after story that mirrored my experience. It's a compilation of what I've learned from other parents - young and old, new and not-so-new, moms with only one child and moms with even more.

So, without further ado, I give you an incomplete list of what's coming:

-No matter how easy you think your labor, delivery, and recovery will be, it will suck. Unless you are lucky enough to be one of those VERY few who sneeze and a kid pops out of you, it just won't be like what you expect. We each have our stories, and they are fun to hear and talk about after the fact, but no story will be just like yours, and at some point in your labor, delivery, and/or recovery, you will be disappointed. You will hurt, and it will not be easy. But, you will also get over it and move on recognizing that no matter how hard, how "not according to plan," or how hell-ish it was, if you get that healthy baby in the end, none of your story matters. It's just a terrible means to a perfect, beautiful end.

-Realize now, and come to terms with the fact, that your body will never be the same. Whether it's a C-section incision, a third degree vaginal tear, or simply saggy, stretch-marked skin, you're never going to have that pre-baby body back. If you have a C-section, don't plan on ever having full feeling back around your scar. If you gave birth vaginally, good luck holding that pee in when you cough, laugh, jump. Embrace and try to find humor in the gift of life your body gave to your baby. Your body created a true miracle. Our bodies are amazing, so don't put it down or get too wrapped up in missing your former self. You can always have plastic surgery!

-Breastfeeding blows.Whether it works for you or not, whether it works for your baby or not, there's no way around something sucking - no pun intended. It's either gonna hurt, or you are going to be made to feel guilty by the Nipple Nazis (aka lactation specialists, nurses, or perhaps pediatricians). Or, you are going to have to pump because your child won't latch or some other reason you never thought possible that no one told you about. You're going to wish there was a "Troubleshooting" section in your breastfeeding book(s), and you'll probably want to shoot your lactation consultant. If you bottle feed, well, you're just going to hell so get ready for the guilt-trip coming your way.

-You are going to fight with your husband more than you ever have before over the stupidest things. Tempers will flare, pacis will fly across the room, and doors may be slammed. When it comes to parenting a creature that is equally part of you and your spouse, you are just not going to agree on everything, but both of you are going to think your way is right or best. Add in sleep deprivation and you both become cranky toddlers who haven't slept in weeks/months/years, and you have a perfect recipe for marital disaster. Be prepared that those early days of falling so much more in love with each other as you welcome your new bundle WILL come to an end. You will always love your husband as the father of your child, but you may not love the way he handles himself when you're trying to let your baby CIO (cry it out), or how he deals with an unruly toddler throwing rice across the dining room table. There's a reason most divorces seem to happen when there's a child 3 years of age or younger in the home. But, hang in there, communicate, make a plan to help each other get more sleep, force yourself to make time for date nights, and realize that this is common.

-Let's go back to that acronym I threw in up there. CIO? Yeah, that one. This is just one of many debates you will learn about as you get a few weeks or months into your journey as a mother. You'll hear a ton of advice about any number of issues that will almost always piss you off.  Do you let your child cry it out? Have you Ferberized her? Are you a Baby Wise parent? Do you let your child have a pacifier? Do you co-sleep? Do you tell your child "No?" Do you believe in Time Outs? Do you really bathe your baby every day? You don't let him have juice? YOU DEVIL! I could go on and on. No matter what you do as a parent, someone will have an opinion about it. And, you won't always like his/her opinion. In fact, you'll want to share your thoughts with that person. But, you'll also learn that it's best to keep your mouth shut unless you are specifically asked to give an opinion about what is working for you and your child.

-On a related note, you will learn to stop judging other parents. . . hopefully! You will learn that you have no idea what goes on in other peoples' homes and why they make the choices they do. You will learn why your best friend spends an hour putting her 3 year old to bed every night - because you will have learned that there's always another side to the story. You will have learned that this is what works for her, because SHE knows that if she doesn't spend that hour with him every night waiting for him to fall asleep, he will be up and down for 3 hours, that he will wake his sleeping sister as he yells over and over again for Mommy. You will realize that she knows her kid best, and you will learn that she is making the best choice for her family.

-You will soon memorize all kinds of melodic tunes that come from any number of toys, swings, bouncers, and jumperoos in your home. You'll hate these songs that get stuck in your head. You'll hate not being able to sleep because you can't get that same damn phrase from the most recent Yo Gabba Gabba episode to stop repeating itself. But, one day, you'll miss these little tunes and feel nostalgic when you hear them once again (minus the Yo Gabba Gabba songs... those can go and stay away... damn, now I've got a song stuck in my head. "Let's get the sillies out, let's get the sillies out. You gotta jump, shake, shimmy them out. . . ")

-Speaking of crazy songs, you will learn to love driving with toddler tunes playing in your car. Maybe not right away, but eventually, you'll have no choice but to put on these children's songs to keep your toddler entertained and happy. You'll find yourself jamming to "The Wheels on the Bus" rather than Usher's latest hit. In fact, you won't even know Usher's latest hit because you will not have heard the radio in months because your iTunes only include nursery rhymes or favorite stories for children. You will have memorized what comes after "Apples and Bananas" and already hear the intro to "Old McDonald" in your head before it's even coming out of your once-blaring speakers.

-You will find yourself making up all kinds of songs in order to distract, entertain, and teach your child. You will catch yourself in the middle of some silly ditty you are singing to your infant as you change her diaper and think, "What the hell am I singing?"

-You will learn that you never really know. My senior quote in high school was from Tracy Lawrence's song "Time Marches On." It really is so true for raising a child, too: "The only thing that stays the same is everything changes. Everything changes." So, what worked yesterday may or may not work tomorrow. There are times your child will be a great sleeper, and then all of a sudden, he is up at all hours of the night. There will be times that she wants Mommy and then times when she hates Mommy. He'll eat peas for weeks, and then all of a sudden, he wants nothing to do with them. He'll love his bath time for months, but then he'll hate it for a few weeks for no apparent reason.

-Teething is always the answer. Blame teething for anything. Has a fever? Teething. Cries at night? Teething. Touches his ears? Teething. Won't eat? Teething. Puts everything in her mouth but won't let you brush her teeth? Teething. Likes Elmo? Teething. And, don't forget she will get 20 teeth before she's 2 - and I hear those additional 4 more 2-year-old molars are a bitch. So, just be prepared for 2+ years of teething, because damn, that's a lot of teeth!

-Your house will soon be taken over by a tiny new being. At first it will only be bottles or breast pump accessories lining your kitchen counters. But soon, it will be bouncers, swings, teething rings, and burp rags that take over. A bit later, you'll have toys strewn about your house in any given place. Unless you're like my extremely diligent behavior-specialist friend who asks her girls to put their toys away before leaving the room, you will most likely find yourself cussing at the pain that is stepping on a Lego every now and again or tripping over a Barbie doll's head at some point in your child's youth. You will inevitably crush a Cheerio (or hundreds of them) during early toddler-hood just on your way to use the restroom in the middle of the night. It won't even occur to you to wonder why when you see a measuring cup or wire whisk just hanging out on your bathroom floor. You won't even flinch when you feel a Hot Wheels car under your back when you roll over in bed one night. No matter how clean you try to keep your home, it is no longer yours once your baby is part of it.

-Speaking of your house, leaving it will never be the same. Enjoy these last weeks or months of being able to pick up and go whenever you please. Take full advantage of making a spur-of-the-moment decision to run to get your nails done or go catch a movie with your friends. Those times are few and far between in your near future, so don't put it off! Not only will simply making a trip to the grocery store become a big production, but you will need to make sure you have everything your child could possibly need when you go.  Diapers? Wipes? Snack? Bottle? Burp rags? Pacifier? Toys? A change of clothes for those blow-outs? (And don't even TRY to think this won't happen when you are in public! Hopefully, we're talking about your baby here and not a change for YOU! I, of course, always carried a change of clothes for me due to my child's bulimia problem - otherwise known as reflux.)

-Your nights are going to be forever changed as well. At first, your baby will sleep wherever you are, and she won't require a nighttime routine or a comfy crib right away. Take full advantage of this portable period. It only lasts a month or two! By three or four months (latest!), your child will really need an early bedtime. "Early" as in senior citizen special. Most babies by 4-5 months will go to bed between 7-8, and their bedtime kind of stays that way for YEARS! When my son was 4 months old, we were starting his bedtime routine around 6:30 every night. That made our dinner plans difficult, and it was a hard adjustment as we realized that our excursions near sunset were officially over. Large family gatherings and social times with friends needed to end around 6:15 for us to get home in time to start the all-important nightly routine. Even now, at almost 2 years old, we are still starting bath at 7:15, which is late compared to our friends' kids. If we meet friends for dinner, we are seriously eating with the 75 and up crowd. But, that's really a good thing - because they don't mind the chaos and ruckus that is my loud toddler. . . they can't hear it!

-Soon, you will be a part of a club where every member has been puked on, pooped on, and peed on - and sometimes all at once. We've been sneezed on, coughed on, and cried on. Each of us has wiped away tears, wiped away drool, wiped away boogers, and wiped a tiny tush. There's nothing too disgusting or foul. We've gagged at blow out diapers and oozing diarrhea. Most of us have taken a rectal temperature, some have had to give a suppository, and a few have had to give enemas (thank God I don't fall into this category!). We've cleaned out ear wax, managed healing circumcisions, and cleared away eye gunk. We've tended cuts and scrapes, fixed splinters, and pulled teeth. We've held our screaming child's hands for shots, blood draws, and X-rays. I've been spit up on more times than I could ever count, and I learned not to care. I draw the "not caring" line with real vomit, but that's happened, too, and it will to you too. It's a fun club this one!

-You will soon become more efficient and more resourceful than ever before. By sheer necessity, you will need to find ways to save time, to multitask, to function on little and/or interrupted sleep, to figure out how to do things one-handed (like folding laundry, washing dishes, putting on your make-up, tying your shoes, etc), to make meal time more fun and food more interesting, to be more prepared and ready for the unexpected. You'll learn to carry all kinds of things with you - from wipes to band-aids to extra pacifiers. You'll learn to anticipate your child's behavior and how to best circumvent an impending tantrum. You'll learn to pick your battles and let go of the little stuff. You'll learn to not care if he eats a couple pieces of food off the floor or if he spills some milk on the couch. You'll learn how to maneuver your body to pick up a paci on the floor with your toes, to get out of the glider without a sound, to empty the dishwasher in one minute flat, and to use your smart phone discreetly so she won't be begging to play on it. You'll learn how to use the most of your "free" time (otherwise known as precious and all-too-fleeting nap time). You'll weigh the costs and benefits of either taking a nap or cleaning the house (or a thousand other things you could do while you don't have little feet following behind you).

-You'll also soon learn that your privacy is a thing of the past. You'll learn that there is no such thing as taking a peaceful poop - as you'll either take your infant with you to the bathroom or your toddler will want to sit on your lap or your school-age child will be banging on the door to ask you a question. A nice, hot, quiet shower will be hard to come by as you hurry to get in and out. You'll long for a day to yourself to just do whatever you damn well please without an audience, without having to entertain, clean up after, or constantly monitor someone. And the irony of this whole motherhood thing is that just when you get some alone time, some time by yourself when perhaps your husband gifts you with some time in the house all your own, you will inevitably miss your baby, wonder what and how she's doing, feel lost without her, and want her to come back soon! Go figure!

-You'll also realize that you are not allowed to get sick again - ever. I remember very well the first time I didn't feel well after my son was born. I was sitting in a faculty meeting at work, with an oncoming migraine, and as I held my head in my hands trying to calm the storm in my brain, I had an epiphany that I couldn't just go home and sleep or put my feet up in a quiet room. I had to go pick up my son, feed him dinner, play with him until bedtime, and then go through the motions of his nightly routine before I would get any quiet time at all. I remember thinking, "I can't get sick. I can't get sick. It's just not allowed to happen anymore!" Obviously, you are going to get sick, and you are going to want to nurse yourself back to health, and you are going to need rest and sleep, but it's just not that easy once Junior is around needing you, not understanding why Mommy wants to crash on the couch all day. So, as my mom always reminds me, it's best to take care of yourself and try your best to prevent getting ill. And, when all else fails, call YOUR mommy to come take your baby so you can get some rest.

-The highlights of your day will be the littlest things: a play date to get you out of the house, not hitting a red light the whole drive home as your infant screams in her car seat, noticing that his tushy isn't red anymore from an icky diaper rash, going to a restaurant for dinner (not because you won't have to do the cooking, although that's huge - but mostly because you won't have to clean the floor afterward!), a date with your husband (not because you haven't had a night alone with him in months - although that's huge, too - but mostly because you won't have to cut up someone's food into itty-bitty pieces), finding a dry cleaners with a drive-thru, no wait at the pediatrician's office, or hearing the miraculous sound of those three clicks in the car seat as you strap your strong, willful toddler into a restrained position at last.

-I know you're worried about whether your bedding will look right in the nursery you're obsessing over, whether the car seat you spent your life savings on is really the safest, and if you'll know if your water broke or not. Soon, none of these things will matter. You'll be up late at night worried about whether she's still breathing, whether the formula you're feeding her is the best choice, and whether you did enough tummy time that day. Worry will become your new annoying friend - the one you wish would go away but with whom you feel so comfortable. You will never sleep with the same level of quality you once did (at least pre-pregnancy). Even when she starts sleeping through the night and your sleep is finally (FINALLY!!) uninterrupted, you'll still hear everything. You will lie awake at night wishing you could stop wondering if that's an ant bite on her foot or if she has the beginning of West Nile, whether you should have called the doctor about why she's tugging at her ear, what you can do to make that tooth come in straighter, or why your friend's baby is already crawling and your kid isn't yet.

I know I've listed a lot of overwhelming ideas. These changes are big, and they aren't easy to imagine right now. You are too wrapped up in getting this baby here safely, and that's really all you should be worried about. Soon, you'll know all too well the ideas I've listed above. But, you'll also know the joy and love of motherhood as well. You'll learn your baby's cries (give it a good 6 weeks at least, but I promise you'll at least be able to distinguish between two or three different cries). You'll grow more confident in your abilities to be your child's best advocate, to trust your instincts, to figure it all out so that you feel comfortable in your new role. You'll learn his favorite things, and those things will become YOUR favorite things. You'll delight in hearing his laugh or seeing his smile. You'll get excited the first time you hear her hum a song in perfect tune. You'll be impressed as he learns to count or recognize his letters long before you expected that to happen. You'll feel her whole hand wrapped around your finger, and you'll savor the feel of her soft skin and feel an intense connection to her. You'll stare into his gorgeous eyes that light up when he giggles, and you'll want to memorize this very moment - every.single.time! You'll look at your husband when you hear her say a new word, and both of you will have the same expression on your face: "Did you know she knew that word?!" You'll become friends with the most amazing people - women who you can talk to about your child, women who have been where you are, women who (if they are really honest) will tell you the truth and you'll know you aren't alone. You'll feel an overwhelming sense of fortune and gratitude that you have a child. You'll reflect on how many women long to be mothers and must continue to try, or you'll grieve for the losses of so many mothers who have lost their babies, and you'll be reminded of how lucky you are to be holding yours still. Your heart will actually ache because of how full of love it is for your baby. And one day, that baby of yours won't be such a baby anymore, and you'll miss her already; you'll miss those early days of 3 AM feedings and rocking her to sleep; you'll miss those tiny coos and sweet simple smiles. But, she'll wrap her arms around you and say, "Wuv you, Mama!" and your heart will melt again and again.

And, then, you'll be crazy enough to actually have another kid - and start all over again. This time, with another kid already in tow. And, then, you'll wish you had someone writing you a letter, telling you all the things you need to know about being the mother of two, of having a toddler and a newborn! (Someone, help a mommy (me!) out!!)

Until then, Happy First Mother's Day! Welcome to an overwhelming, frustrating, anxiety-producing, hit-your-head-against-the-wall, challenging, but most rewarding, fulfilling, heart-melting club there is!

With much love and respect,
Amber