What it Means to be a Mother

We had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad start to this morning. So, I'm not gonna lie... this post is coming from a place of negativity and frustration on a day that began in complete misery. We had a wonderful evening last night. We enjoyed a family dinner where all three of us ate the same thing for dinner - pasta with meat sauce and vegetables. I love when Banner can eat what we're eating, and I love it when Sam's home early enough for us to eat dinner altogether. We did our typical evening routine, and Banner slept great... until 4:20 this morning. I went to him when his whimpers continued past a typical "stir" from which he can usually (literally) pacify himself back into sleep. When he reached for me and I picked him up, he immediately went back to sleep on my shoulder.  I rocked him for a few minutes, and when I put him back in his crib, he was up again crying full-force this time. I think he was cold... he was dressed in a thinner, cooler material and I was worried that might be the case. Knowing he was very much still tired, I took him back to my bed where we could just snuggle and maybe he'd go back to sleep. Well, going back to sleep was not a part of the agenda. For 30 minutes or so, we tried to get him to go back to sleep. Finally, Sam had HAD it, and he decided it was just time to get up for the day... at 5:15. About 30 minutes after that, I gave up on trying to go back to sleep myself, and I was up for the day at 5:45am. (Even though, really, I'd been up since 4:20.) After that, there was a "discussion" that followed between Sam and me that left me upset, and I hated to start my morning with unfinished business between us. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it was one of those days I hated to have to go to work when I wanted to talk through our "tiff" but I was also delighted to get some space. So, please understand that this post is coming from a place of raw, TIRED, EXHAUSTED emotion.

I've learned in the past 10 months that there are some amazing things that come with motherhood. I was so excited for those things: the smiles, the laughs, the gift of love that surrounds me/us, the rewards of watching my child learn, grow, and develop, and so many precious, tender moments with my baby. And, all of those things are continuing to happen, and I am beyond lucky to have a healthy, happy, funny, smart, strong, growing young boy. But, I have also learned so much more about what it means to be a mommy, and it ain't so pretty all the time. This blog is called Journey to the Knot, and we are on a journey. I'm constantly learning and growing, and sometimes there are growing pains. Today, I felt them. They come and they go, those growing pains. But, today, I was reminded of so many of the lessons I've learned on this journey.

I wanted to comment on some of the lessons I've learned about what it means to be a mother. Yes, these things are also true for what it means to be a father or a parent of anything/anyone, because we all have to grow up, take responsibility, and be the "bigger" person. But, I'm specifically talking now about my experience as a female parent and what it means to be that female parent.

What it means to be a mother:

• It means giving up time for myself most of the day.
• It means losing sleep. It means yearning for sleep.
• It means doing things as fast as possible (changing a diaper, putting on make-up, running an errand, cooking dinner, taking a shower) OR taking an hour to do something it used to take only 5 minutes to do (emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, running an errand, cooking dinner, cleaning a mess), and sometimes you can do it as fast as possible and it still takes longer!
• It means getting over my own exhaustion and sucking it up so I can help my baby, and many times, my husband to calm down.
• It means my house will be a mess. Yes, it appears cluttered and not so clean, but trust me, I did clean, and I keep cleaning, and I keep cleaning, so when you come to my house, trust me when I say it's a lot cleaner than it was five minutes ago. Just come over while Banner is eating dinner, and you will see how much I have cleaned my freakin' house. I'm a mom, and my house is dirty. Get over it.
• It means learning to be okay with not being the favorite parent sometimes. Even though I was the one who bathed him, fed him, clothed him, calmed him - calmed his daddy even! - played with him, sat with him, carpooled him and sang to him, (need I say birthed him?), he prefers his daddy right now, so I have to suck that up, too, because that's what it means to be a mom.
• It means being expected to know the answers - to the doctor's questions, to the babysitter's questions, to your husband's questions. When does he eat? What should he wear? What should I feed him? How long should I let him nap? When should he go to sleep? 
• It means feeling guilty all the time. I've talked with numerous moms, many of them with much older children, and they agree there is a never-ending tug at your heart and your mind each day - feeling like they could have done this better, they could have spent more time, they could have made more money, they could have taught something better, etc, etc. 
• It means getting spit-up on, peed on, puked on, pooped on, drooled on, sneezed on, etc. and just having to move on. It means wiping tears, wiping snot, wiping a tush, wiping smashed food, and not cringing. 
• It means high blood pressure and frustration as your baby cries and you can't/won't do anything about it because it's in his best interest to let him cry. I can't hold him while I'm at the stove, I can't pick him up all the time, I have to force him in the car seat, I can't let him play with the knife he sees on the table, so he'll just have to cry if he doesn't like everything else I'm trying to do to make him happy in that moment (distraction, funny face, another toy, a sweet voice).
• It means learning to be the communicator with your husband. It means learning to work harder as a team to keep your marriage. It means having to have more patience with each other. It means you actually need to be a partner with your partner, and sometimes you'll be the only one who remembers that.
• It means spending countless hours of the day frustrated and annoyed because you didn't sleep, you fought over stupid crap with your husband, you miss your baby while you are at work, you didn't get enough done at work but you can't wait to get home, you're tired and fatigued but you have so much to do, the list.goes.ON.....

But, it also means none of it matters at the end of the day when you are putting your sweet angel to bed. None of that matters when you are getting a drooly kiss from your baby who then lays his head on your shoulder. None of it matters when you feel his soft hand squeeze your finger. Because, what it means to be a mom more than anything is just to love. To be patient and to love. And, I am, and I do.