ZZZZZZip it!

Disclaimer: Soap box moment. I'll step on it, then I'll step down.

Right before Sam and I got married, I posted about unsolicited opinions. As I wrote in my post at that time, I knew there would be more opportunities throughout my life for people to give opinions and pass judgments when they were not requested, and I knew parenting would be an obvious time for this to occur. So, don't think I didn't already know that as I write a few reflections about how I cannot stand this!

I'm a school counselor. I have the opportunity to give my opinions about how a parent is raising his/her kid at numerous times. I pride myself on the fact that I recognize I am no expert, and I remind parents who DO ask my opinions that THEY are the expert on their kid(s). I would never presume to know what is best or ideal in any given relationship, situation, or home because I am NOT the expert on parenting THAT child. What I am an expert on is MY child, at least as much of an expert could be on knowing a person. So, when others tell me how I should be, what I should do, what is best for Banner, or anything related to these topics, it really gets under my skin.

I am very open and willing to hear others' ideas when it is warranted and when I ask, because I know we can all use ideas, suggestions, solutions, etc when we are willing to hear them. But, when I don't need the advice or your two cents, I'd really rather not have them! Just letting off a little steam here, just bear with me.

The reason this all is coming to a head right now is that this past month, we have gone out a couple of times at Banner's bed time. Banner is a great sleeper, but we have done such a great job with his bedtime routine, that he needs that routine. Alter it even a little, and he just won't do as well. Once, Sam's sister tried to put him to bed - after following his routine with perfection, but because it was not Sam or me doing the routine, he would not calm down for her. Another time, we went out with Banner past his bedtime and tried to put him to sleep at someone else's house. That was a disaster as well. Both times, we prepared for this situation, and we took two cars in case our prediction that Banner would not sleep was correct (as it was both times). Yes, this sucks. Yes, it's something we need to work on, but yes, we know our kid, and time after time, he will not sleep unless WE put him to sleep in either his crib at home or at my mom's house. He's very picky about this (at least since he was about 3-4 months old), and while I wish it were different, I'm very glad he sleeps well when the routine is implemented.

This all started when Banner was about 4 months old. The first time was when we tried to go to the fair with some friends, and it happened again the night of my sister's engagement party. Another time, it happened with my brother, when Sam and I went to do some shopping for Hanukkah. It's very frustrating, but that's just what happens. This particular month, Sam has been the one who has left our events to go be with Banner. Both times, I was left to answer the questions about where Sam had gone. Both times, I was met with a variety of responses - all of which included what we needed to do instead. We should let him cry, he's going to learn to be manipulative this way, he needs to learn to adapt to our schedule, we need to be less accommodating to him, and my favorite... "if I were there, I'd get him to sleep." (This last quotation was from a person Banner does not even know.)

What really bugs me is the feeling of having to defend myself to these people. I am the parent. I'm the expert. I will choose how to handle these situations. And, if I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me. I don't tell you how to raise your kid - and I don't give suggestions unless I'm asked, so please do the same. If I want your opinion, I'm happy to hear it at that point. I am not bothered by our routine and our situation. When Sam and I are bothered by it, we talk to each other, and maybe (just maybe) we will ask your opinion. Otherwise, just stay out of it.

I know it's not just me thinking these things, so I'm speaking for lots of people. I wish I could give more examples, but I don't want to betray any confidences or get anyone in trouble, so I'll leave it with that. But, this is an ongoing problem we parents have. People telling us how to feed our kids, how to keep them healthy, how to make them behave, how to get them to sleep, how to teach them, how to handle friendships, how to scold them, how to dress them, what to do when they're sick (even though the doctor gave completely opposite instructions), whether or not to work, whether or not to do daycare or camp or classes, etc etc etc.

I often hear, "When ___ was a baby, I did ___ with him/her." The problem with this is that the opinion-giver may be remembering when her son/daughter was 2 months, not 10 months. She may be telling me how she got her son/daughter to sleep when he/she was 4 years not 4 months. And, the only consistent thing about kids is that they change every day! What worked at 2 months with Banner certainly doesn't work now. So, I'm constantly having to relearn him. My "expertise" is in the making all the time, and I have to give myself some credit that a) this is hard work, and b) what works today will not work in a few months. I'm very willing to hear what you have to say if I ask, but if I don't, my frustrated self will only be annoyed that you think you know my kid better than I do. How is that possible? Yes, we may all have suggestions for each other, but I feel that they should only be given when I'm needing it.

Here's the bottom line: no baby is born with an instruction manual to hand to his/her parent. Every parent is trying to figure it out with each child he/she has. Every child is different, every parent is different, every situation is different. The best thing you can do when you have an opinion is to keep it to yourself. And, if you absolutely must get it off your chest, try asking a question, try asking if the mom or dad wants an opinion, try listening, try empathizing. Remember you are not THE parent, even if you are A parent. Remember what it feels like for other people to tell you how to do YOUR job. And, if you just aren't sure if your opinion is warranted, then don't offer it. From all of us new moms (and not-so-new, I'm sure), thank you for understanding these requests! As Jill Smokler (aka "Scary Mommy") writes in her Scary Mommy Manifesto: "I shall never claim to know everything about children other than my own (who still remain a mystery to me). I shall not preach the benefits of breast-feeding or circumcision or homeschooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business." And, it's none of yours either!