20 weeks pregnant, and I've never worried like I've worried for the past 16 weeks or so. I'm not exactly sure when most people would say you've become a "parent." Is it when you first lay eyes on your baby? Is it when you find out there's a baby on the way? Is it when you are taking care of ANYTHING - dog, cat, baby? What really defines the beginning of parenthood? I'm really not sure - and the purpose of this post is not to define that for anyone or even myself. It's just to reflect on how "parental" I already feel just knowing there's a baby on the way. And, I'm a little worried about this "parental" feeling given that it consists of so much WORRY!
I know I sound naive, and obviously, I've never done this before so it comes with the territory. But, I knew this was coming. I may be new at this, but it doesn't take a genius to know parents worry - to know that I will have lots of sleepless nights freaking out about my baby's health, my child's future, my decisions as a parent, etc. And none of my concern or worry for my baby surprises me or Sam - it's just so deep and so immediate!
So, what AM I worried about? (The better question might be what am I NOT worried about?!) Well, first and foremost, I'm worried about the health and survival of our little one. My biggest frustration (other than the indigestion/reflux that taunts me every minute of every day even before I've eaten anything!) is the fact that there is a human being inside of me that I cannot check in on at all until the doctor decides it's time for a sonogram that never lasts long enough! I've been told by family members that I need to try to relax and not worry about this feeling - but that's so much easier said than done. Those that say this are concerned that when the baby is actually here, I will continue to worry and want to check in on the baby all the time if I'm already feeling that way. Well, who knows how I'll be when the baby is actually here - I won't know until he is here. However, even knowing that a quick peek or a listen to the monitor will reassure me makes me believe that I'll be okay. The problem with the womb is that there is no window! I have no idea if the baby is growing okay, no signals on a daily basis that development is on track. And, if you've read any of my previous posts or know me already, you would know that I don't do well with the unknown. So, welcome to parenthood, right? The world of the unknown. This must be nature/God's way of helping parents dive right into the scary waters of uncontrollable unknowing!
Because I worry about the health and development of our baby, and because I'm the sole care-taker of him right now, I worry that the decisions I make might adversely affect him. I worry about the foods I eat, the medicines I take (to control this damn reflux!), the activities I do, the stress I experience, etc. Anything from dancing too much at my best friend's wedding to having to slam on my breaks in a near auto collision (which makes my heart pound as my adrenaline soars) can worry me. In reality, I know that women have babies all the time, that many of them don't even know they are pregnant until way later in the pregnancy, that babies have been born to women since the beginning of time. And, that all of these women had days of stress, days of bad eating, days of sickness, days of scares and adrenaline rushes. So, I recognize that my fears and concerns are (somewhat) silly and uncalled for. But, again, this is new, and I'm entitled to feel the way I feel.
Those two issues are probably the biggest, most concerning at this point. Of course there are other worries - will delivery be safe, will I be a good parent, will Sam & I be on the same page about most of our decisions, will we pick the safest car seat (or stroller, or tub, or mattress, or crib, or bottle, etc!!) how will we manage our personal, couple, family, and friend times, will we afford everything we need/want for our child, will my body recover well or EVER look remotely like it did before, will nursing go well, should I be a stay-at-home mom or a working-outside-the-home mom, will he like his name - heck, will I ever pick a name and stop worrying about the possible nicknames or playground taunts!!...etc. But, another concern is the mere question of - will I ever stop worrying? And, I know from my professional life that the answer is NO! I just don't want to be like so many of the mothers I see in my career - helicopter moms, moms who live only through their children, moms who won't let their children mess up or make mistakes, moms who have to control everything from their child's friendships to their child's teachers! I want my child to know that I believe in him, that I trust him, that I can relax a little. . . yes, I CAN relax (a little!).
To sum it up, I'm a worrier. I'm worried. I'm going to continue to worry. There's no way around it - even with logical thinking and reasoning. I am an intelligent woman; I know the statistics, I know the realities of most everything I'm concerned about. But, maybe that's what being a "parent" is all about - knowing and understanding logically but still worrying about the well-being of your own child. It's just so hard to love someone so much so fast without ever having met this person before and not having any knowledge of him except for his mere existence. I can only imagine how much more the love grows once you have met. The parental instinct to nurture and protect this creature you've never met is more than I could have ever known. It's both exciting and scary, and I'm sure it will get exponentially more intense in the coming weeks, months, and years. In the meantime, I'll just have to hope I can stop worrying, and stop worrying about being worried.
I know I sound naive, and obviously, I've never done this before so it comes with the territory. But, I knew this was coming. I may be new at this, but it doesn't take a genius to know parents worry - to know that I will have lots of sleepless nights freaking out about my baby's health, my child's future, my decisions as a parent, etc. And none of my concern or worry for my baby surprises me or Sam - it's just so deep and so immediate!
So, what AM I worried about? (The better question might be what am I NOT worried about?!) Well, first and foremost, I'm worried about the health and survival of our little one. My biggest frustration (other than the indigestion/reflux that taunts me every minute of every day even before I've eaten anything!) is the fact that there is a human being inside of me that I cannot check in on at all until the doctor decides it's time for a sonogram that never lasts long enough! I've been told by family members that I need to try to relax and not worry about this feeling - but that's so much easier said than done. Those that say this are concerned that when the baby is actually here, I will continue to worry and want to check in on the baby all the time if I'm already feeling that way. Well, who knows how I'll be when the baby is actually here - I won't know until he is here. However, even knowing that a quick peek or a listen to the monitor will reassure me makes me believe that I'll be okay. The problem with the womb is that there is no window! I have no idea if the baby is growing okay, no signals on a daily basis that development is on track. And, if you've read any of my previous posts or know me already, you would know that I don't do well with the unknown. So, welcome to parenthood, right? The world of the unknown. This must be nature/God's way of helping parents dive right into the scary waters of uncontrollable unknowing!
Because I worry about the health and development of our baby, and because I'm the sole care-taker of him right now, I worry that the decisions I make might adversely affect him. I worry about the foods I eat, the medicines I take (to control this damn reflux!), the activities I do, the stress I experience, etc. Anything from dancing too much at my best friend's wedding to having to slam on my breaks in a near auto collision (which makes my heart pound as my adrenaline soars) can worry me. In reality, I know that women have babies all the time, that many of them don't even know they are pregnant until way later in the pregnancy, that babies have been born to women since the beginning of time. And, that all of these women had days of stress, days of bad eating, days of sickness, days of scares and adrenaline rushes. So, I recognize that my fears and concerns are (somewhat) silly and uncalled for. But, again, this is new, and I'm entitled to feel the way I feel.
Those two issues are probably the biggest, most concerning at this point. Of course there are other worries - will delivery be safe, will I be a good parent, will Sam & I be on the same page about most of our decisions, will we pick the safest car seat (or stroller, or tub, or mattress, or crib, or bottle, etc!!) how will we manage our personal, couple, family, and friend times, will we afford everything we need/want for our child, will my body recover well or EVER look remotely like it did before, will nursing go well, should I be a stay-at-home mom or a working-outside-the-home mom, will he like his name - heck, will I ever pick a name and stop worrying about the possible nicknames or playground taunts!!...etc. But, another concern is the mere question of - will I ever stop worrying? And, I know from my professional life that the answer is NO! I just don't want to be like so many of the mothers I see in my career - helicopter moms, moms who live only through their children, moms who won't let their children mess up or make mistakes, moms who have to control everything from their child's friendships to their child's teachers! I want my child to know that I believe in him, that I trust him, that I can relax a little. . . yes, I CAN relax (a little!).
To sum it up, I'm a worrier. I'm worried. I'm going to continue to worry. There's no way around it - even with logical thinking and reasoning. I am an intelligent woman; I know the statistics, I know the realities of most everything I'm concerned about. But, maybe that's what being a "parent" is all about - knowing and understanding logically but still worrying about the well-being of your own child. It's just so hard to love someone so much so fast without ever having met this person before and not having any knowledge of him except for his mere existence. I can only imagine how much more the love grows once you have met. The parental instinct to nurture and protect this creature you've never met is more than I could have ever known. It's both exciting and scary, and I'm sure it will get exponentially more intense in the coming weeks, months, and years. In the meantime, I'll just have to hope I can stop worrying, and stop worrying about being worried.
(NOTE: No, I'm not in need of psychiatric help, medical attention, or community intervention. I'm merely stating what so many parents feel and don't say. I AM able to sleep, eat, work, take care of myself, and otherwise function. Whatever you do - please don't worry about me!)
You are already a FABULOUS mamma! What a lucky lucky little boy~ :)
ReplyDeleteLove this post....I was the exact same!!
ReplyDeleteI love the part about slamming on your breaks and wondering if it did anything to the baby b.c when I was in my early days of pregnancy I backed into a pole (going about 5mph) and I started crying and called my OB begging her to do a sono to make sure he was ok....of course, she laughed and said everything was fine. All these little things that we worry about!
Sorry to hear about your acid reflux....I had it SO BAD!! I swear I went through a bottle of tums each week.
You already sound like you're going to be a great mom!
Genetics are amazing!! I am so sorry!!! One thing I am not worried about----you as a mother! You already sound like a pro. I love you so very much. Love, Mom
ReplyDelete