My Favorite First Year Memories

• Seeing your face for the very first time over the surgery sheet in the operating room.
• Introducing you to the family
• Skin-to-skin in the hospital
• Your first car ride, our first as a family, taking you home!
• Bathing you in the Puj tub
• Seeing your smile. We saw it in your eyes first, and I loved knowing you were happy!
• Holding you at your baby naming while so many friends and family surrounded us as we explained to you the significance of your special name
• Watching Aunt Robin sing "Wheels on the Bus" to you and playing with your feet. You giggled so much!
• Calling Daddy over to watch you right before you rolled over for the first time. I just knew it was about to happen.
• Taking morning naps with you in our bed
• Our first trip to the Arboretum in October for pictures with the pumpkins
• The first party you "hosted" on Halloween
• Watching you give lots of love to Zaide after Bubbie died.
• Knowing you were "with" us a Daddy and I laid three scoops of dirt on Bubbie's coffin for you for your first big mitzvah
• Cold evening walks up and down the block to see the Christmas lights (my favorite house was two doors down, and it had the blinking, color-changing peppermints)
• Taking our first bath together
• The first time you gave me kisses. You did it three times in a row, and one of those times, you actually grabbed my cheeks to turn my face towards you. It was right before bath time in the bathroom. I loved it!
• Watching you take your first few steps. When Daddy got home from work, you took 3 steps to him.
• Watching you play Peek-a-Boo in your high chair by putting your head down and then up again.
• The night you learned how to shake your head "no" in the bath tub. You thought it was so funny! So did I.
• Lighting the menorah with you each night of Hanukkah
• Your first time in the swing at the park
• The first Friday after I went back to work... you fell asleep on the way home, and you actually fell back asleep on me in the recliner once I carefully got you out of the car seat.
• The two nights you wouldn't go back to sleep and ended up in bed with me, cuddling snuggly all night long. One of those nights was at Grandma's house while Daddy was away on business in California. I didn't know what was wrong, and Grandma didn't either. She helped me get comfy in the bed in "your room" there, and we finally both fell asleep. I hated that I didn't know how to help you, but I loved that you finally calmed down and we got to snuggle.
• Introducing you to my Grandpa, your Great-Grandpa
• Our trip to the park on a windy day with Daddy, Grandma, Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Caden, Mara, and Brycen
• Playing "Somewhere Only We Know" over and over again on that one Glee episode and singing it to you.
• Watching you and Landry play "soccer" under Aunt Jacque's table at our New Year's Day brunch
• Introducing you to the tree outside our front door, telling you how it will change through the seasons just like you will, telling you how big it's gotten since I moved into the house, and how you will grow, too.
• When Grandma came over to babysit one night, and she surprised you while you were in the bathtub. You lit up seeing her at your house, and you reached for her. We couldn't get you to sit back down!
• Fast, late-night grocery trips to Central Market with Daddy when you were really little.
• Being surprised by Daddy beating us home from work on Valentine's Day. I also loved playing chase with you that evening
• Watching you lean over to give kisses to your play date girlfriends
• The feel of your hands and the tugging on my pajama pants on a Saturday morning as I washed bottles.
• Introducing you to string cheese sitting on the kitchen floor. You bit off pieces at a time and loved the mozzarella!  
• When Grandma brought you up to visit me at work and we saw Mara in the computer lab. You reached for her when her teacher was holding you.
• Watching you walk from Mommy to Daddy in the den. You veered off-course a little, and then you corrected your steps, and that's when I knew you were truly "walking" and not just taking a few steps. You amazed me with your coordination and balance, and my eyes filled with tears as I tried to muster an audible "Yay!" while clapping. Daddy and I grinned from ear to ear - and I think Daddy even had tears in his eyes, but don't say I said so! 
• Even though I hated leaving you each day, one of my favorite memories is looking back one last time as I drove away to go to work in the morning. I smiled as you toddled in your footsie pajamas down the sidewalk next to Grandma with the sun hitting you both just right to make a gorgeous imprint in my brain.  
• Your first time in the swimming pool.
• The night before your first birthday - giving you your bottle while Daddy told you your birth story.
• Your first birthday - first thing in the morning, waking you up with balloons and then right before bed, watching you toddle around the living room. You were giddy and smiley. You amazed me - like you always do. 
• Watching you eat your first bites of birthday cake.

GUEST POST: Messages from the Dad Side

In honor of Banner's first birthday, Amber has afforded me an opportunity to write a post on her blog.  I've chosen to take this opportunity to write a letter to Banner telling him about our life as he enters his second year, and how I will always look back on his first.

Dear Banner:

Happy Birthday.  I have been pleasantly surprised to have many people tell me "happy birthday" in the past couple of days.  It simply never occurred to me that I would be congratulated for playing a role, however small, in getting you to your first birthday.  As I reflected, however, I do believe it is appropriate.  Your mom and I have changed - and have been forced to change - for numerous reasons this past year, and all the while maintained a single, common goal: keeping you alive and, hopefully, doing so in a fun, stimulating, loving way.  I'd like to take a chance to tell you some of my favorite memories from your first year, several of which only you and I know about (until now).

1) Moments after you were delivered, you and I went back to the labor and delivery room together while the doctors were taking care of Mommy.  The nurse left the room after putting you in a plastic crib underneath a heating device designed to keep you warm.  You laid there crying--you have always had such powerful, passionate emotions.  I talked to you quietly and through my tears, feeling so helpless and wanting so badly for you to know that you were safe.  I wanted to hold you and comfort you, but wasn't sure if I was allowed.  As I stood there speaking under my breath, I only wanted you to know that Mommy and I were there for you and already loved you more than anything before.  I will remember that tender moment between us, a moment of true humility for me, as the moment I knew just how special my new title of "Dad" was.

2) After your circumcision, you would not stop crying in the evening (understandably so).  Upon changing your diaper after not being able to calm you for what seemed like days, I discovered an earring that had accidentally fallen into your diaper, and was between your penis and your belly button.  This was the greatest feeling of sheer terror I have ever felt in my life.  I was mortified that your weenis may have been injured, and that I hadn't had the wits about me to catch this earlier.  I remember that Bubbie and Zadie were over when this discovery was made.  Zadie stood quietly while Mommy and I hurriedly packed up to take you back to the hospital to get everything checked out.  Bubbie was quietly, but noticeably, laughing watching us buzz around in desperation.  At the time, I was annoyed because I thought she was entertained.  Now I realize that her old threat "just wait to you have children of your own!!!" had come true, and she was relishing in watching me transform from her son into your father dad.  I like to think that she was giggling at the joy of seeing how much I loved you, and how protective of you I was being.

3) One night, Mommy saw that West Side Story was playing in the Dallas Summer Musicals in early October.  Mommy didn't particularly want to go, but she knew that Bubbie and I both loved that musical, so she afforded me a night out with my own mommy, your Bubbie.  I stopped by to kiss you goodnight, and then went out on a great date with Bubbie.  We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed dinner, and then we enjoyed watching the show.  After the show, Bubbie and I talked some more and I dropped her off at home.  It was the first time in a long time that Bubbie and I went out just the two of us.  Only a short few weeks later, your Bubbie passed away very unexpectedly, something that knocked the wind out of me.  Your Bubbie and I were very close, and even though I often got frustrated with her before too long when we were together, she was a friend, a confidant, a counselor, and an amazing Bubbie.  Grandma brought you over the morning after Bubbie died - you had slept at Grandma's the night before.  I ran out of the house as soon as I saw you, snatched you out of Grandma's arms, and hugged, kissed, cried you for a single moment that to this day remains frozen in my mind.  Even in what seemed like such a dark moment for me, you were a bright light and a much needed breath of fresh air. Even to this day, I love holding you and kissing you because, in addition to a million other reasons, I know that there is a piece of Bubbie inside of you.  The lesson I want you to take from this story is to NEVER stop loving, appreciating and going on dates with Mommy.  Whether it means going to the zoo, going to a school play, or going to the theatre, you're never too old or too good to make time for your mommy.

4) I love coming home from work.  I can't wait to leave.  In fact, it doesn't matter where I have been.  There is no greater part of my day than walking into the house, hearing your little joyful squeal, and seeing your beaming smile hurdling toward me to greet me.

5) Mother's Day was a tough schedule - and you were amazing. Mommy has been my best friend for half my life. (You have quickly joined those ranks, though. I started calling you "best friend" as early on as I can remember.)  Mother's Day is the one day that everybody honors their mommy on the same day (in our house we try to honor her every day).  That morning was hectic!  We had to scramble eggs, cut roses, get fresh bagels from Einstein's, get you your bottle, get you your oatmeal, get me a cup of coffee, get your diaper changed, and make a hash brown casserole ALL between when you woke up at 6:30 and when it was your naptime at 9:00ish.  I carted you around, asked you to eat quickly, asked you to be patient while I cooked, got you to actually help, and got you to be entertained without so much as a whine or a cry or a whimper from you.  It was like you knew that the day was a special day just for Mommy - and you wanted to be in on it too!

6) You peed on me.  Not a little bit, and not a dodge-able spray from the changing table.  I was actually drenched by your urine.  And you know what? It didn't really gross me out.  Mommy was working late, and I was putting you to bed alone.  After dinner, you played and then had a poopy diaper.  It was only about 20 minutes before your bath time, so I thought I would save a diaper and just let you run around in the buff for 20 minutes.  We had fun, we played, we walked around the house, it was great.  At one moment though, you were sitting on my side/lap as we sat on the carpet playing with some toys.  Then it happened.  Warmth.  Relaxing, soothing warmth.  "Wait," I thought.  "That's not right...we're just sitting in the living room."  I looked down, and there was your pee, coming out of your penis, and right onto my left side.  It occurred to me that I could move you and let you pee all over the carpet, or since I had already been tagged, I could just sit there and take it.  So I sat there, watched you pee on me, and calmly changed immediately after.  You giggled when I started peeling off my pee-soaked clothes in the living room.  I giggled back, and said "you got me!"

Banner, you amaze me.  Your Mommy amazes me.  We are so blessed, so lucky to have each other.  I I have a love for you that I never knew existed.  Every day, you make me proud, you make me laugh, and you make me want to be a better person--because I know you are watching me, absorbing what I do just like I did with Zadie.  I hope that your second year is just as joyful as your first.  And more than anything, I hope you know how much Mommy and I are in love with you.

Love,

Daddy

A Whole Year!!

Dear Banner,
You went and turned ONE on me today! I can't believe we met each other a year ago. While I still remember life without you, I wouldn't want my life like that again - I can't imagine you not being a part of my everyday life. I love you so much, and every day I discover something new about you that I love and my heart continues to hold more love than I thought it ever could. On this special day, I want to tell you two things in this post: 1) all about you at 12 months old, and 2) all about your birthday celebration.

At 12 months old:

• You absolutely love the remote control - yes, typical for a little man! But, your obsession is mostly with taking off the back and emptying the batteries. You have figured out how to do this on almost every remote we have, so we are constantly unable to find the remotes and where you hid them from us. We were going to tape the back of each remote control, but then we decided we think this phase will pass, and the tape would just be one more thing that you would try to eat. While Mommy is TERRIFIED that you will try to eat the battery (um, yes, this could actually result in a 911 call if you did!), we watch you very closely, and we are getting smarter about where to hide the remotes from YOU! Unfortunately, when we go to other people's houses, you go straight for their remotes, too. You little stinker!
• You say "hhhh" when we tell you something is "hot." You seem to understand this word well. 
• We think you say "baba" for bottle. You certainly know what bottle means and look for your bottle when we mention the word. Then, you say "ba" or "baba." Once I even heard you say "ba-ul."
• You are quite the helper when getting dressed. You've done this for a while - helping to push your arms out through the openings, and you don't seem to mind dressing and undressing time.
• You overcame your fear of balloons this month. Mommy worked hard on trying to get you to hold, kick, swat at, and bounce balloons, and just a few days ago you found joy in playing with them.
• You CLAPPED this month (on Memorial Day)! Finally! :) I have been waiting for those two hands to come together in unison (in fact, I was getting a little worried and added it to my list for the doctor since I felt this was such an easy task that you weren't mastering yet). I always knew you were smart so I was wondering why it took so long for you to "get" this skill. You clapped toys together for a long time, so why did you just now clap!? Eh,who cares! You did it, and now you do it so well! I love to watch you clap after we sing or after you do something you are proud of, and now I know you really mean it!
• You're officially a model! :) Amy James went and made you the star of her Shutter Huggers advertisement. We didn't even ask her to do that; she just picked you, sweet boy! 
• You can stand up and walk from a sitting position on your own without any leverage or support from anything now. This took some time for you to learn - you used to crawl to a wall, table, someone's leg, etc. in order to pull up to a standing position, and then you could walk from there. Now, you can simply stand up on your own.
• You had your first SWIM this month! You LOVED the water!! I can't wait to take you swimming more this summer.
• Your great-grandpa Manny died this month. You were actually in the room with him shortly after he passed away. Obviously, you had no idea what had happened, and you went about your day as happy as could be - which was what my grandpa would have wanted. You kept us all entertained even when we were sad, and a few days later, you paid tribute to him by attending your first minyan service. Daddy & I also put some dirt on his coffin for you - which is a big mitzvah (good deed)! 
• I introduced you to blueberries again this month. We have tried them twice before (in puree form), and your eczema flared up. So, we tried again with real, whole blueberries, and you LOVE them (and didn't have any adverse reactions)! I get the really big "giant" kind because those are my favorites, and you adore them!
• You had another cold this month. I thought it might mean more teeth, but I have yet to see any additional ones pop up. I bet they'll come soon! The past 3 months before, you got 2 new teeth per month, and this month you got no new teeth, so I bet they're on their way.
• I still love, love, love when you blow kisses, give kisses, lay your head on my shoulder, or wave bye-bye. You have the most beautiful smile, too! And, Daddy and I cannot get enough of your excited squeals. Just today we were talking about how much we are going to miss those when you stop doing that... we hope you don't any time soon!

Your special day:

• Well, it actually started last night. Daddy and I were putting you to bed, and as I fed you your bottle and held you, Daddy told you the story of your birth (mostly because Mommy was emotional and couldn't talk well). As I put you to bed, I cried a little but laughed at myself for crying - and you laughed with me. You thought it was funny to see tears coming down my cheeks while I smiled at you! That made me smile even bigger, but it didn't take away the reason I was crying. I cried because I feel so lucky to have this beautiful boy in my life, and I can't believe how fast time has gone since I met you! 
• After we put you to bed, Daddy and I sat on the couch, and I teared up thinking about how Bubbie won't be at your party tomorrow. Daddy and I miss her a lot, and even though today was a very happy day (as will be tomorrow), we feel a great sense of sadness that she isn't here to give you a big birthday hug and kiss. I keep imagining her at your party, and then I have to remind myself that she won't be there. But, maybe that's her way of telling me that she WILL be there. . . and I know she is always in our hearts.
• This morning, Daddy and I saw that you were awake, and we tiptoed to get all the balloons we had blown up the night before. When we entered your room, we sang "Happy Birthday" and put all the balloons in your crib (see why it was important for you to overcome the balloon fear??)! You didn't quite seem to know what was going on, but you were all smiles and played with the balloons for a few minutes. I also sang our special morning song to you - and yes, it's all on video for you to watch one day!
• The rest of the day, Daddy and I tried to spend time with you while also preparing for your big birthday party tomorrow. One big special thing that happened was Daddy and Grandma took you to the shoe store to get officially measured for your first pair of shoes. 
• You took an awful second nap! You didn't really nap at all. Maybe you were so excited about your birthday!? But, after almost an hour and a half of you playing in your crib, we got you up to run some more errands.
• A couple times during the day (and once while we were getting you ready for bed), Daddy & I both think you said "Meh-Meh" or "Mee-Mee" when wanting or referring to me. I'm not sure - we'll see, but maybe, just maybe you wanted to say "Mommy" on your first birthday!
• After dinner, Daddy and I played with you in the living room. As you giggled and toddled around, I just watched you thinking about how amazing you are. I thought about how God had a big plan for you and how perfectly God made you. You were this tiny spec that turned into a sweet baby who struggled in the last couple hours before birth, you made your way out of my body safely, and here you are, this growing, learning, living, breathing, joy-bringing boy! I even turned to Daddy and said, "I love us." 

And, I do. I love all of us so much and thank God every day for Daddy, for you, and for our life and love! Banner, I hope you had a wonderful first birthday. Tomorrow, we will celebrate with so many friends and family - so many people who love you and are so happy to know you and watch you grow up. I think back to those first hours together in the hospital and I want them back so badly - to see you again so tiny and small. But, those hours and days were hard on Mommy (& Daddy), and I am glad to know you even better now. I'm glad to be where we are now. And, while I want to freeze time and freeze you growing up so fast, I can't wait to get to know you more! This year will be full of more discoveries for you - talking, running, playing, and lots of new experiences! I am so glad to be your Mommy. Thank you for letting me love you. Happy, happy birthday, Banner Boone!

Bittersweet

The hallways were warm and dark. Teachers had gone home for the summer. The building was quiet, and my desk was cleared off. I gave one last look around my office, grabbed the last box, and locked the door one final time. I handed in my keys and my badge, and that was that. 8 years of a job that was my home away from home, and it's officially over. Lots of stories, memories, experiences, and lessons to take with me, but driving away was bittersweet.

As I walked into Mom's house to get Banner, I was greeted by Mom, Banner, and Kira. Banner walked toward me, Mom smiled, and Kira threw her arms around me. I immediately teared up. I'm not good with change. I felt an overwhelming excitement, fear, anxiety, relief, sadness, and happiness run through me all at the same time. It's just hard to say goodbye to such a big part of me and a big part of my everyday life. Kira had to leave shortly after I got to the house, but she hugged me again and said, "Welcome to your new adventure!" Again, a few tears just because it was nice to hear.

A few minutes later, I was gathering all the odds and ends that Mom had at her house for Banner. I packed up his formula, some pajamas, bibs, and a couple bottles since Mom won't need so many at her house anymore. As we headed out the front door, I hugged Mom and told her thank you for all her help this year. I couldn't really even quite finish my statement before more tears made my voice tremble. She told me there have been times while she's been keeping Banner that were really long or really hard, days that she was bored, and days when she felt isolated. But, she said she wouldn't have changed it for anything, and she was so thankful for the opportunity to spend this time with Banner. She wanted me to know that I might feel the same way some times, but it's so worth it. I agreed and nodded as I cried. I told her that  I was crying because I was so glad she had this time with Banner. I was beyond grateful and thankful that she could be with him each day, and I told her I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to keep him. We hugged, and then we slowly made our way to the car in the rain.

Mom put Banner in his car seat, and she leaned in to kiss him. Before doing so, she got very close to his eyes and said, "I hope maybe you'll remember some of these days and our time together?" She told him how much she loved being with him. And then she kissed him and then me. I reminded her that she'll be keeping Banner two days a week next school year when I'm subbing, which I think made us both feel better that they will still have their special days together. We hugged again, told each other we loved each other, and then I was slowly driving away in the rain - a perfect ending to an emotional day.

Banner and I were both quiet on the way home. That all changed when we walked in the door, though. My quiet baby seemed to want to welcome me to my new full time job of being a "stay-at-home" mom. He was giddy, and he gave lots of hugs. He kept coming over to me while I sat on the floor watching him, and he'd nuzzle up next to me with a smile. It was like he knew I needed him to reassure me that we're going to be okay, that maybe he can like being with me as much as being with Grandma, that I made the right choice, and that he was thankful to have me all to himself.

And, later in the evening, as I rocked him for a few minutes before saying my final goodnight, Banner laid his head on my shoulder, and I told him how much I loved him. Tears fell once again as I told him I am so happy that I get to spend more time with him now, that Mommy doesn't have to go to work in the morning, that I get to watch him grow and learn. I'm sure I'm imagining it, but he seemed to be more relaxed - and so am I! But, I'm still glad it's raining tonight - it makes me feel like God is crying with me today. Crying tears of nostalgia and of sadness, crying of joy and of happiness!

Leaving my room, I took this pic (and edited it for privacy)

What I Knew Then

Disclaimer: Scatter-brained, random thoughts below:

This time last year, I was very pregnant, I was on a modified "bed rest" for pregnancy-induced higher-than-normal blood pressure, and I was anxious to meet my new baby in only a few days. This time last year, I also thought I knew a lot. I'm not saying I was wrong in what I thought, but I had no idea what was coming and how dreadfully misled I was in my thinking that everything would be fine. I never thought having a baby would be easy, but I definitely thought it would be easier than it has been. This year has been full of trial-and-error, guessing games, experiments, and learning curves for everyone in my household. If you had told me a year ago that I'd end up being induced on my due date, that I'd go against my natural plan and request an epidural all too quickly, that I'd end up having a C-section, that breastfeeding would be a complete flop, that I'd have a baby with eczema, that I'd have a baby with reflux, that Sam and I would fight more than ever before, . . . well, I'd tell you that you were so wrong and that everything would be perfect!

What I knew then was nothing. Again, it's not that what I knew then was wrong, per se. It was that I just knew nothing! So many times I've been frustrated at my mother or my best friend for not telling me the truth of what was coming. I've been pissed that I was not privy to this motherly knowledge ahead of time to prepare me. But, as more of my friends have become mothers and I've listened to their "fantasy" stage of pre-mommyhood, I understand why no one told me what was coming or what to REALLY expect. It's something each person has to experience for herself. This year has been a journey of self-discovery and selflessness. I have given up much of what I thought I knew, much of my own wishes/desires, and even some confidence in order to make room for more knowledge, which ultimately has been replaced by even MORE confidence.

Since I was 9, I've always helped take care of little kids... my siblings, kids I babysat, kids I had at the day camps and daycares I worked at, kids I taught, etc. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought once I had my own kid, I'd know even more what to do. But, I was so off. While all of those previous experiences have helped me, I still "wing it" everyday. I've gotten pretty good at it, but I've learned that I don't just know. Mother's intuition, motherly instinct - not sure what that is yet. What I have learned is to trust Banner. He's so damn good at teaching me. I've learned HIM - and he's so good at knowing what he needs. I still worry like crazy, and just when I think I won't worry anymore, I worry some more. That will never go away, so I'm learning to be good friends with my worry. I still also doubt myself on a daily basis at some point - even if it's minor. I question decisions all the time - should I be putting him to bed later, should I sing to him more, should I help him or let him try himself, should I feed him less/more, should I put the humidifier on, should I have given him that medicine tonight, etc!!!

I feel like I need to rewrite the book What to Expect When You're Expecting as well as What to Expect the First Year. I could make billions with a one-page life-long lesson: Expect to know nothing. Expect the unexpected. Expect to feel overwhelmed, overtired, and overworked. But, in the end of the first year, expect to feel entirely in love, entirely proud of yourself, and entirely overjoyed with this little baby who will change everything you know.

He Looks Like ____

I admit it. I'm guilty of looking at a baby or a child and trying to determine whom he or she looks like: Mommy or Daddy - or any other person in the family. That was one thing I couldn't wait for when I was pregnant, to see who Banner most resembled. I also knew that he would change drastically in his first year of life, so the answer to that question was always changing this year. At first, Banner reminded me very much of my father-in-law. Sam and I agreed that Banner was like a little Richard with those eyebrows and forehead. Other than that, Banner seemed to look like my side of the family at that time. I remember Sam's mom, Leslie, saying, "When a baby is born, everyone wants the baby to look like them." She said this because she was bummed that Banner really didn't look like her or her side of the family. Sam and I are sad that she did not live long enough to see Banner grow and change to resemble his Bubbie more and more each day. There are so many facial expressions that Banner makes that look like Bubbie, and his mouth shape and movements remind me so much of her.

Most people say Banner looks so much like Sam. Banner does have his daddy's hair color and texture, and his lighter eyes are much more similar to Sam's eye color. Given the darkness of my eyes and especially my hair, looking in the mirror with Banner right next to me begs the question: how could this baby be my child? His coloring is so different than mine. So, I understand when even my closest friends will tell me that Banner looks like Sam and barely resembles me at all. The problem with this, though, is that when Banner smiles, he reminds me of my mother. I see her in his beaming eyes and bright smile. I've felt this way for months; the "light up the room" effect Banner has is so Mom. And people tell me that she and I look alike. So, I pulled some pictures of me when I was a baby to prove that maybe, just maybe, this baby of mine is, in fact, really mine.

So, you be the judge. If you cover my hair and pretend my eyes are blue, you can see Banner, right? It might just be that this boy is his mother's son!

18 months

I think this is at a year old

And now, here's for some of Banner next to my baby pics:

1 year old

No matter who he looks like, I just love this kid. He's a great mix of both of us, if you ask me. What I love more than anything, though, is that he's his own person. Oh, Banner Boone. . . I just love you, son, with those blue eyes, light brown hair, dimples, squeezable cheeks, soft eyebrows, delicate skin, button nose, long lashes, and kissable lips!

My Extended Family

This is the speech I read to my colleagues earlier today when saying goodbye to the staff at BE (abbreviated for privacy). I was reluctant to share it at first because I know how much they were ready to just get out of the building and begin their summer breaks, but I had to have a bit of closure, and I'm glad I was able to share these thoughts with them. When I looked up (after being unable to really make eye contact while holding back tears), most of the faculty members had tears in their eyes. It was a a nice moment to end my time with such amazing people:

"As Banner fights sleep in his crib, I sit watching the baby monitor feeling so blessed that I have this little boy in my life. My heart is full, ready to burst open that I get to enjoy more time with him this summer and on. But, as the school year comes to an end, and I've said my good-byes to my counselor colleagues, my students, and many parents, I'm nostalgic for all the times I've spent with the staff members at this school. I want you all to know that leaving this team, this extended family of mine, is not easy.

BE has been a second home to me since I was in first grade here in Ms. Draper's class, although she was Ms. Moehle at the time. I had amazing teachers like Ms. Stamps, Ms. Griffin, Ms. Kenny, Ms. Young, Ms. Moore, Ms. Yonce, Ms. Dixon, Ms. Rice, and Ms. McDaniel. I was a peer helper in high school for Ms. Break, and Ms. Bolling was my tour guide on the day I interviewed for a teaching position. As a first year teacher, I was mentored by Ms. Tuthill, and later Ms. Thigpen and Ms. Myrick became my close friends and supporters through almost every aspect of my life since we started working together. Ms. Daly, Ms. Caplinger, and Ms. Pasch were like the big sisters I never had - and I so loved sharing my time with them across the hall. Then, I became a counselor, and everyone celebrated this new role with me, even if they were reluctant because I was young and inexperienced. Serving on ILT with Ms. Harker and Ms. Whitten was such a blessing too, as I learned how those benchmark scores really did give us some interesting data, and we learned together each year how to write a damn good CIP. Ms. Farrar and Ms. Low have been amazing principals, both believing in me and helping me meet my personal and professional goals. I could go on and on about all the people I have worked with throughout these past 8 years - the parents I won't forget, the students who have forever left their hand prints not only on our cafeteria walls but in each of our hearts. But, summer would be over before I even made a dent in that list.

I remember moving into my classroom 8 years ago feeling overwhelmed and scared. I was nervous for my first real professional job, and I didn't know anyone except my two former teachers who were at BE. Since those early days of being afraid to use the copier and not knowing what the hell a "sub-pop" meant, I have learned so much. This school and everyone in it taught me that I was capable, that I was professional, that I was actually good at what I have dreamed of doing all my life. I learned from so many amazing people while I have been here. I've learned to believe in myself and to teach others how to do the same. I've learned to be patient and calm even when I wanted to scream my head off. I've learned to stand up for what I know and feel even if it means a parent will argue with me. I've learned how to reach out for help, how to take one day at a time during those stressful weeks and months, how to solve complex problems with patience and discussion, and how school spirit goes a long, long way! I may have even learned things I hope to never use again like restraining a kid while he's biting me, taking ARD minutes that might end up in court, evacuating a school that has no running water, finding out who smeared poop all over the bathroom walls, running all over the school to find kids who are being picked up in the middle of a tornado warning, yelling at parents to move their cars during 3:00 dismissal because the fire trucks have to get in the driveway, calmly leaving a faculty party to get to the hospital as fast as I can, tolerating an "advocate" who believes beating the principal with a ruler counts as a seizure, knowing how to handle the news that my nephew was among the three kids who peed on a tree at recess, and/or hunting a school for a bomb.

While work is always work - and most days I wished it were still the weekend - walking into this building each day was like coming home. Summers and weekends flew by, and every morning I walked through those double doors or through the door to my classroom or office, the smell, the sights, the faces I would see, these were home to me, and I will miss so much of my life here. The feeling of knowing I helped a Kindergartener separate more comfortably from his mother, the feeling of hearing that a second grader has learned to tackle her anger issues, the feeling of knowing my lunch bunch group has helped a third grader deal with his parents' divorce, the feeling of knowing it's MY advice a fourth grader wants on how to handle her test anxiety, the feeling of helping to provide a fifth grader with his school supplies for the year since his family can't afford them, the feeling of connection I feel to that mourning first grader who depends on me to listen when he can't remember what his dad looked like anymore, or the feeling of knowing that each student is desperately awaiting my next guidance lesson to see what else Yello-Dyno is going to teach them this year about safety. . . those are just rewarding experiences I will miss. And, I will miss the camaraderie and friendships I have built through the years. I will miss reminiscing with my peers about former students we loved, I will miss the teachers' lounge conversations sharing everything from our favorite recipes to how our husbands annoyed the shit out of us the night before. I'll miss the deep ethical discussions we would sort through together. I will miss the many families who welcomed me in to their lives, who sought my guidance, or who shed tears in the quiet of my office. I will miss when former students would come back to visit - telling me how great junior high is or how they got accepted to their first choice college. I will miss watching the great improvement of some of our special education students. I will miss celebrating with their parents when we reflect upon how far they have come since those early days, and I will miss the feeling of watching a sixth grader finally graduate after 7 years in the shelter of this elementary school with a look of both accomplishment and of fear as he walks across the stage to shake his teachers' hands.

The truth is, the BE staff members make this place what it is - an extended, caring family for anyone who has the privilege of being here, a sorority of friends who support each other. We've cried together and jumped for joy together. You've watched as I went from my 20s to my 30s; you celebrated as I went from single to married; you nurtured me as Mom went through her second round of breast cancer; you shared my excitement when I announced my pregnancy; and then supported me as I started navigating my way into motherhood.  And, I will miss seeing these familiar, sweet faces each day.

But, I have all of these amazing memories to take with me, and all of these students, their families, and their spectacular teachers have helped to make me the person I am today. I believe these people and these experiences will make me a better mother to Banner, and I believe, too, that being Banner's mother and being at home with him will make me a better counselor when I decide to come back in a few years.  Yes, that's the plan: I'm not saying goodbye to my professional life altogether. I plan to return when Banner (and his siblings) are older.... maybe even to BE.


Until then, please call me to sub next year! In the meantime, I know you can't wait to get outta here and let your summer begin! You all deserve a restful, relaxing, LONG, slow summer. As for me, I will be here until Wednesday afternoon if you feel like hanging out and helping me pack!, and then, I'll be headed home to give Banner his big birthday gift - his Mommy."

Summer Begins!

Today feels like the official first day of summer, even though I know we have a few weeks before the season starts. School's not even out yet, but this weekend felt like a good time to say "Happy Summer!" While Friday was a rough day, the rest of the weekend was spent with family and friends which warmed my heart and did a lot of good for my soul. Sam even told me tonight that he felt like this weekend was one of the best weekends he's ever had. I feel a little weird saying that given that we buried my grandfather only a few days ago, but a little bit of family and fun goes a long way. It's what Grandpa would have wanted, anyway, so maybe it's fitting. Here's a quick review:

Friday late afternoon/evening was spent with Sam & Banner at my aunt/uncle's house, and so many of my out of town family got to meet Banner for the first time. Saturday, I tried to sleep in while Sam got up with Banner, but the damn dog next door woke me by 7:15. So, we had a little extra family time before heading to my nephew's 2nd birthday party. After that was over, Banner & I headed to my dad's house which was 30 minutes away from the birthday party. I hauled a$$ there so I could try to make the most of Banner's "awake" time. At Dad's, more family got to see and play with (and follow) Banner. Then, all too quickly, I had to get Banner home to start his nap - already an hour late. After a great 2 hour nap, Banner woke up in time for Sam & I to do some very quick Babies 'R Us shopping and then head to my aunt/uncle's house again for a memorial service with the rabbi. More memories were shared about Grandpa, and more time for my family to see Banner before Sam snuck out with him to get Banner to bed, again, already an hour late. Sunday was more of a lazy day. It was my day up early with Banner, and when Sam got up he quickly left to go donate blood - something he does once a month. When he returned home, after Banner's first nap, Sam took Banner to Sam's best friend's parents' house for a bit. Then, Banner napped again before we headed to my cousin's 1st birthday party! The party was fun, creative, and a chance to see more family and friends. Then, Mom, Bob, Sam, Banner, and I went out to eat for a quick bite. It was nice to eat dinner with them - and to be out with Banner, too. Then, we went home, put Banner to bed, and watched a movie. After a rough sleep for Banner, Monday morning, Sam and I both got up with him. By 8:15 we were getting gas, grocery shopping, and stopping for donuts on our way home. Banner went down for nap at 9:30, and when he woke up, we went to my mom's house where we spent the rest of the day swimming and eating!

And this is where my favorite part starts! After we fed Banner lunch, we got him ready for his first swim. I had wanted to take Banner swimming last summer when he was itty-bitty, but his umbilical cord took a month to fall off completely(!), the doctor advised against being in the heat, and with his eczema flaring up right at the end of summer and then it getting too cold to get in the pool, a first swim just never happened. So, I've been waiting for the weather to get nice enough to finally take Banner in the pool. It was also important to me that Sam be with us during Banner's first swim experience, which has made me pass up other opportunities in the recent few weeks. Anyway, the water was pretty chilly when I first stepped in. I put Banner's feet on the first step, and he didn't seem to mind as much as I did! I stayed a step lower than he did, and I was freezing, so I was worried he was going to want out or start crying. Much to my surprise and delight, Banner beamed and squealed with excitement. It was like he's been waiting for this day all his life! He loved the water. He wanted to keep getting that little body deeper in the pool. He never cried the whole time we were there, and he also let me scoop him under water a handful of times. Sam and I were both very pleased with this whole experience. Banner gladly went back and forth to us, and he even seemed to want to let go of us - if only we would have let him! He walked along the long second step/ledge and patted the wall of the pool. He loved to smack and splash the water.

Since he was so happy in the water, I worried he'd cry when we took him in for his nap. In luck again, Sam and I rinsed and dried Banner and easily got him down for a nap. I couldn't help give him another dip in the pool after his nap! Again, he was so excited to be in the pool.

The rest of the afternoon/evening, we talked, played, and ate dinner with the family. Mom and Sam grilled dinner for all of us.  As we sat down to dinner, Kira said, "Now THIS is summer!" I so agree, and I think Banner's gonna like his first "conscious" summer! ;) If today is any hint of what is to come this season, I can't wait!

These 18month swim shorts are a little too big but they'll do!

On his way up from an underwater dip

Pretending to surf

Uncle Brock, Brycen, Mommy, Banner, Daddy, Mara, & Caden

Memorial Day

Memorial: something designed to preserve the memory of a person, event, etc., as a monument or a holiday; preserving the memory of a person or thing; commemorative; of or pertaining to the memory. 

Today was Grandpa's funeral, and it was also the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. Fitting, I think. Lots of memories. My memorial day began with Mom picking me up from work to drive to the funeral home to see Grandpa one last time. Once we arrived, Mom and I waited in the large waiting area - a very nice, calm, peaceful, open room which I had been in a few times before. It was hard to even sit in the waiting area (while the funeral home director made sure Grandpa was "ready" for us) because of the rush of memories that came flooding back. I remember sitting there when both my grandmothers passed, my cousin, and my Papa. I thought of them in their coffins and how each of them looked as I prepared myself to see Grandpa. I knew he would look different - and sometimes that is a bit scary and weird. But, before I could think too much more about it, the director escorted Mom and I back to Grandpa's room. 

I was so glad I went to see him. When I had last seen Grandpa, he was lying in his nursing home bed about 30 minutes after he passed away. He looked old, sick, and distressed. Upon entering the funeral home room, seeing Grandpa in his coffin gave me peace and relief to see him looking much more at rest. Of all my family members who have died, and who I got to see in their caskets, Grandpa looked the most like himself. He looked clean-shaven, very thin, and peaceful. There's no other word for it - very peaceful. His hands were still - which was a rare thing to see these past several years, as they would always tremor just a bit. His lips were thinner than I'm used to seeing, and he had a faint line of red around his eyes, but when I'd look at his facial skin - I could "find" my grandpa. There was that cheek that I kissed so many times. There was his bald head that we splashed water on when we were little. And, upon his head, he wore the yarmulke from my wedding. He looked decent, dignified, and respectable in his suit. He looked distinguished, and I was proud he was my grandpa.

After many tears and hugs between Mom and me, I told Grandpa one last time that I loved him. And, as we walked out, the funeral director asked that I sign a verification of identity form. I had never done that before, and I felt a little odd being the one to do it. The director assured me that no one else would be there to do it, so I felt it was okay to sign it (and I immediately called my dad to be sure it was okay). In that moment of writing "granddaughter" on the line with the word "relationship" underneath it, I felt that maybe I was doing one last thing for Grandpa, even if it was minor. As I wrote that word, I felt a bond to him as all the little girl memories came back - running to his car after school to get to the chocolate he would bring us, riding the little scooter all over his house and in the front yard, pretending the "little pool" at his house was a fast food restaurant that Kira would swing by on her raft in the "big pool" where I would take her order, watching Grandpa cut the bushes with his big shears, holding his hand on my wedding day, and so many more. 

The day continued with the funeral service at Temple. As the family entered the synagogue, I saw a choir loft full of blue-robed singers ready to sing for Grandpa. I did not know they would be there, and I turned to my mom with tears in my eyes and asked if she knew they would be there. She nodded, and I cried. I was touched that they were there to give a "send-off" to him. I loved that the choir he loved to sing in and be a part of for the past 25 years or so was there. Each time the choir sang and those tenor voices joined in, I got a little weepy - almost as if I could hear my grandpa's deep singing voice among them. And, then, so many memories of watching him sing in the choir loft, of coming to his holiday performances at the mall, of hearing him sing in the car - they all came rushing in. And I was grateful.

Speeches and prayers were nice - a little long, but how do you wrap up (almost) 94 years of love and of life into a short time? So many things to reflect on and share, and so much of what was shared was repeated again and again, proving that Grandpa was true to himself and to those around him. He was such a a good man with wonderful qualities that everyone wanted to make sure to mention. 

Following the service, we slowly made our way to the graveside. Before the rabbi began, the Honor Guard placed the American flag over Grandpa's coffin. In that moment of seeing our country's flag on the casket, I was overcome by my feelings of not only patriotism but also of my pride in my grandfather's contributions to our country. Is it weird to say I have never been prouder of who my grandpa was than in those moments staring at his flag-covered casket? One of the soldiers played "Taps" on the trumpet, a song I think I've only heard in war movies where the fallen soldiers are being honored. After the trumpet blares stopped, the Honor Guard carefully and meticulously folded the flag and turned to my aunt to present her with the flag. Then, the rabbi began the final prayers before the casket was slowly lowered. This moment, as is true for every funeral I've been to, was the hardest. I guess I'm just really poetic in the thinking I have - this is the last time Grandpa would be above the earth, the last time he'd be in the sunshine, the last time he'd be a part of the living world, the last time we'd be this close to his body. Everything having to do with Grandpa from that moment on would only be a memory.

At the conclusion of the service, we were able to perform one final mitzvah (good deed) for Grandpa by shoveling dirt on the coffin to help bury him. As Sam and I made our way to the shovel, I placed 4 Hershey kisses on top of the coffin. Why four? Well, my other grandfather, Papa, always said that you should only have 4 Hershey kisses. And, well, for most of my childhood, my memories of Grandpa revolved around him picking us up from school with chocolate, and he'd spend time with us at my mom's house after he'd pick us up. So, I placed one chocolate from each of us: Mom, Brock, Kira, and me. Then, Sam and I each shoveled a scoop of dirt onto the casket. Then, just as we had done at Sam's mom's burial, Sam and I shoveled a scoop together to symbolize Banner's mitzvah in helping bury his great-grandfather. 

The rest of the evening was spent around family and friends just doing what Grandpa would have wanted most - for us to be together. It's hard to believe his life is over. I feel a great sense of closure today, which is a blessing. When Sam's mom died, it was sudden and unexpected. Grandpa, however, lived a wonderful 93 years, and, at least until the past couple in the nursing home, his years were spent well. He was active, fit, generous, loving, giving, committed, kind, and genuine. His life was well-lived, and we have so many memories to look back on with happiness. 

I wish death and its aftermath were not a part of our human experience. But, if it has to be, then I find peace knowing that Grandpa lived a good, long, healthy life to watch his 3 children, his 12 grandchildren, and his 8 great-grandchildren grow and be happy and healthy, too. I feel more closure, too, in having seen him again today looking so handsome and peaceful. 

Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you, I am proud of you, and I celebrate you this Memorial Day - today - and everyday.

Big Day

My little sister and my little brother share the same birthday but 9 years apart. She turned 30 today. He turned 21. A big day. It's a day they've both been ready to celebrate. But, last night I got news that my grandfather was not doing well. Dad said if we wanted to say our goodbyes, we needed to get up to the nursing home in the next couple of days. So, last night, I had plans to leave work today as soon as possible so that I could make it to the home and still go out for the birthday dinner. Mom had Banner up from his nap, changed his diaper, and grabbed a bottle. As we were putting Banner in the car, Mom got a call from the birthday girl saying that Grandpa had just passed away.

We were still 30 minutes away. If we had left 30 minutes earlier, we might have made it in time to say our goodbyes before he stopped breathing. But, since Grandpa's health has been deteriorating for a while now, every time I have left the home I say my goodbyes - not knowing if I'd see him again. Today, I arrived knowing that he would never see me or Banner again. I arrived knowing this was the last time I would see my Grandpa, but I still got to whisper "I love you" in his ear.

Kira told us that she was alone with Grandpa when he died. She was with him, singing a favorite Gershwin song "Someone to Watch Over Me," when she felt him slip away. Hospice had just been in the room to check Grandpa, and they anticipated a couple more days, so they were shocked when 30 minutes later, Kira asked them to check him, saying that his breaths had stopped and she didn't feel a heartbeat. Kira just knew. Something told her to sing. Something told her to stay with him. Something told her he was gone.

What a birthday, right? In some weird way, though, I think Grandpa gave her the most beautiful gift. She will remember that moment forever - that she could be the one to sing to him as his beautiful life ended. Maybe that's what he was waiting for. He loved to sing; he loved music; he loved his family. Maybe he just needed that, needed her. Personally, I am so relieved to know he wasn't alone. I am so relieved that she could help ease any pain or discomfort or fear. What a mitzvah (good deed) she did for him, the last one anyone could do for him before he died. I hope she knows how proud of her I am. I hope she knows how special that is. As awful as it is to lose your last living grandparent, alone, on your birthday, your 30th birthday!, I think it's a beautiful moment that she can take with her forever.

May 21st. Kira's birthday. Trey's birthday. Grandpa's last day. It's been a big day.

Here's a link to a post I wrote a couple of years ago when Grandpa's health started to decline.