What I Knew Then

Disclaimer: Scatter-brained, random thoughts below:

This time last year, I was very pregnant, I was on a modified "bed rest" for pregnancy-induced higher-than-normal blood pressure, and I was anxious to meet my new baby in only a few days. This time last year, I also thought I knew a lot. I'm not saying I was wrong in what I thought, but I had no idea what was coming and how dreadfully misled I was in my thinking that everything would be fine. I never thought having a baby would be easy, but I definitely thought it would be easier than it has been. This year has been full of trial-and-error, guessing games, experiments, and learning curves for everyone in my household. If you had told me a year ago that I'd end up being induced on my due date, that I'd go against my natural plan and request an epidural all too quickly, that I'd end up having a C-section, that breastfeeding would be a complete flop, that I'd have a baby with eczema, that I'd have a baby with reflux, that Sam and I would fight more than ever before, . . . well, I'd tell you that you were so wrong and that everything would be perfect!

What I knew then was nothing. Again, it's not that what I knew then was wrong, per se. It was that I just knew nothing! So many times I've been frustrated at my mother or my best friend for not telling me the truth of what was coming. I've been pissed that I was not privy to this motherly knowledge ahead of time to prepare me. But, as more of my friends have become mothers and I've listened to their "fantasy" stage of pre-mommyhood, I understand why no one told me what was coming or what to REALLY expect. It's something each person has to experience for herself. This year has been a journey of self-discovery and selflessness. I have given up much of what I thought I knew, much of my own wishes/desires, and even some confidence in order to make room for more knowledge, which ultimately has been replaced by even MORE confidence.

Since I was 9, I've always helped take care of little kids... my siblings, kids I babysat, kids I had at the day camps and daycares I worked at, kids I taught, etc. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought once I had my own kid, I'd know even more what to do. But, I was so off. While all of those previous experiences have helped me, I still "wing it" everyday. I've gotten pretty good at it, but I've learned that I don't just know. Mother's intuition, motherly instinct - not sure what that is yet. What I have learned is to trust Banner. He's so damn good at teaching me. I've learned HIM - and he's so good at knowing what he needs. I still worry like crazy, and just when I think I won't worry anymore, I worry some more. That will never go away, so I'm learning to be good friends with my worry. I still also doubt myself on a daily basis at some point - even if it's minor. I question decisions all the time - should I be putting him to bed later, should I sing to him more, should I help him or let him try himself, should I feed him less/more, should I put the humidifier on, should I have given him that medicine tonight, etc!!!

I feel like I need to rewrite the book What to Expect When You're Expecting as well as What to Expect the First Year. I could make billions with a one-page life-long lesson: Expect to know nothing. Expect the unexpected. Expect to feel overwhelmed, overtired, and overworked. But, in the end of the first year, expect to feel entirely in love, entirely proud of yourself, and entirely overjoyed with this little baby who will change everything you know.