Dear Banner:
Happy Birthday. I have been pleasantly surprised to have many people tell me "happy birthday" in the past couple of days. It simply never occurred to me that I would be congratulated for playing a role, however small, in getting you to your first birthday. As I reflected, however, I do believe it is appropriate. Your mom and I have changed - and have been forced to change - for numerous reasons this past year, and all the while maintained a single, common goal: keeping you alive and, hopefully, doing so in a fun, stimulating, loving way. I'd like to take a chance to tell you some of my favorite memories from your first year, several of which only you and I know about (until now).
1) Moments after you were delivered, you and I went back to the labor and delivery room together while the doctors were taking care of Mommy. The nurse left the room after putting you in a plastic crib underneath a heating device designed to keep you warm. You laid there crying--you have always had such powerful, passionate emotions. I talked to you quietly and through my tears, feeling so helpless and wanting so badly for you to know that you were safe. I wanted to hold you and comfort you, but wasn't sure if I was allowed. As I stood there speaking under my breath, I only wanted you to know that Mommy and I were there for you and already loved you more than anything before. I will remember that tender moment between us, a moment of true humility for me, as the moment I knew just how special my new title of "Dad" was.
2) After your circumcision, you would not stop crying in the evening (understandably so). Upon changing your diaper after not being able to calm you for what seemed like days, I discovered an earring that had accidentally fallen into your diaper, and was between your penis and your belly button. This was the greatest feeling of sheer terror I have ever felt in my life. I was mortified that your weenis may have been injured, and that I hadn't had the wits about me to catch this earlier. I remember that Bubbie and Zadie were over when this discovery was made. Zadie stood quietly while Mommy and I hurriedly packed up to take you back to the hospital to get everything checked out. Bubbie was quietly, but noticeably, laughing watching us buzz around in desperation. At the time, I was annoyed because I thought she was entertained. Now I realize that her old threat "just wait to you have children of your own!!!" had come true, and she was relishing in watching me transform from her son into your
3) One night, Mommy saw that West Side Story was playing in the Dallas Summer Musicals in early October. Mommy didn't particularly want to go, but she knew that Bubbie and I both loved that musical, so she afforded me a night out with my own mommy, your Bubbie. I stopped by to kiss you goodnight, and then went out on a great date with Bubbie. We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed dinner, and then we enjoyed watching the show. After the show, Bubbie and I talked some more and I dropped her off at home. It was the first time in a long time that Bubbie and I went out just the two of us. Only a short few weeks later, your Bubbie passed away very unexpectedly, something that knocked the wind out of me. Your Bubbie and I were very close, and even though I often got frustrated with her before too long when we were together, she was a friend, a confidant, a counselor, and an amazing Bubbie. Grandma brought you over the morning after Bubbie died - you had slept at Grandma's the night before. I ran out of the house as soon as I saw you, snatched you out of Grandma's arms, and hugged, kissed, cried you for a single moment that to this day remains frozen in my mind. Even in what seemed like such a dark moment for me, you were a bright light and a much needed breath of fresh air. Even to this day, I love holding you and kissing you because, in addition to a million other reasons, I know that there is a piece of Bubbie inside of you. The lesson I want you to take from this story is to NEVER stop loving, appreciating and going on dates with Mommy. Whether it means going to the zoo, going to a school play, or going to the theatre, you're never too old or too good to make time for your mommy.
4) I love coming home from work. I can't wait to leave. In fact, it doesn't matter where I have been. There is no greater part of my day than walking into the house, hearing your little joyful squeal, and seeing your beaming smile hurdling toward me to greet me.
5) Mother's Day was a tough schedule - and you were amazing. Mommy has been my best friend for half my life. (You have quickly joined those ranks, though. I started calling you "best friend" as early on as I can remember.) Mother's Day is the one day that everybody honors their mommy on the same day (in our house we try to honor her every day). That morning was hectic! We had to scramble eggs, cut roses, get fresh bagels from Einstein's, get you your bottle, get you your oatmeal, get me a cup of coffee, get your diaper changed, and make a hash brown casserole ALL between when you woke up at 6:30 and when it was your naptime at 9:00ish. I carted you around, asked you to eat quickly, asked you to be patient while I cooked, got you to actually help, and got you to be entertained without so much as a whine or a cry or a whimper from you. It was like you knew that the day was a special day just for Mommy - and you wanted to be in on it too!
6) You peed on me. Not a little bit, and not a dodge-able spray from the changing table. I was actually drenched by your urine. And you know what? It didn't really gross me out. Mommy was working late, and I was putting you to bed alone. After dinner, you played and then had a poopy diaper. It was only about 20 minutes before your bath time, so I thought I would save a diaper and just let you run around in the buff for 20 minutes. We had fun, we played, we walked around the house, it was great. At one moment though, you were sitting on my side/lap as we sat on the carpet playing with some toys. Then it happened. Warmth. Relaxing, soothing warmth. "Wait," I thought. "That's not right...we're just sitting in the living room." I looked down, and there was your pee, coming out of your penis, and right onto my left side. It occurred to me that I could move you and let you pee all over the carpet, or since I had already been tagged, I could just sit there and take it. So I sat there, watched you pee on me, and calmly changed immediately after. You giggled when I started peeling off my pee-soaked clothes in the living room. I giggled back, and said "you got me!"
Banner, you amaze me. Your Mommy amazes me. We are so blessed, so lucky to have each other. I I have a love for you that I never knew existed. Every day, you make me proud, you make me laugh, and you make me want to be a better person--because I know you are watching me, absorbing what I do just like I did with Zadie. I hope that your second year is just as joyful as your first. And more than anything, I hope you know how much Mommy and I are in love with you.
Love,
Daddy
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