My Baby Daddy

How do you even begin to thank the amazing man who helped you bring your baby into the world? How do you even think of a way to show gratitude and appreciation for such a gift? I am so in love with my husband for so many reasons. He is my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my stabilizer, my comfort, my sounding board, my favorite person to hang out with. He always has been those things to me, and I pray he always will be. But, he's now a daddy, and he's such a great one! I just have no idea how to let him know how truly blessed I feel that he's in my life, that he's in our son's life, and that we have a life together.

I remember in college - when we were dating - I always imagined my life with Sam, married to him and having children with him. I remember knowing that I wanted only him next to me in the hardest moments - including the labor and delivery of each of our children. It's so hard to believe that these moments are actually coming true. It's the most amazing feeling to not only have him in my life, but to have him be a parent with me now, to know that he's part of our son, that we created such a miracle with our love and our friendship. So, how do I make sure he knows how happy I am about all of these wishes & dreams coming true?

From trying to get pregnant to feeling the nausea of morning sickness, there have been moments of pure frustration and upset. From not being able to put my socks on to tearing up at the odd pains I was experiencing, there have been moments of uncertainty and worry. From the mild, unexpected bleeding to the overwhelming concern about labor and delivery, there have been moments of fear and anxiety. Through all of these moments, Sam knew what to say and what to do. He knew how to comfort and relax me, how to hear what I was saying, how to respond appropriately, how to predict my feelings, and how to be there for me in the most gentle ways. I'm not saying he was perfect or wasn't annoyed by these feelings and/or events - he's human and he's had his own reactions. But, he's been my rock and a true friend.

During labor and delivery of our precious son, which I will review in a different blog post, Sam was gentle, supportive, encouraging, and understanding. During our hospital stay, he and I had some of the most amazing conversations we've EVER had - and that's saying a lot given how many conversations we've had in the past 15 years! He was and continues to be the most understanding husband a person could ask for - hearing what I was saying as a new mom (through postpartum tears, through recovering pains, and through new mom fears). There were times I would say things to Sam and feel like no one would possibly understand what I was thinking, and it was at those moments that he would not only empathize but share some of my same thoughts and feelings or repeat things back to me in such a therapeutic way that made me understand myself even more. It's hard to explain without giving a lot of specific details which is not for this particular post, but let's just say that he "gets" me in a way that I can't explain. I know one thing for absolute sure - I am such a lucky woman. It was through our labor/delivery adventure that I learned that not only is Sam an amazing father, but he is and always has been an amazing husband.

It's been such a blessing getting to watch Sam become a father. They (the ubiquitous "them") say that mothers become mothers on the day they find out they are pregnant, and fathers don't become fathers until they see their babies for the first time. I know that for Sam, he was a father on the day he found out about my pregnancy. He wanted to go get books that night to read up on parenting and on babies. He would purchase odds and ends during the nine months of waiting to make room for Banner in our lives. He shared my concerns and worries, he took great care of me, and he couldn't wait to meet his son! At the same time, his love and his bond with Banner has become so much more than I could have imagined starting the moment we saw BBJ born. Sam will stare at him, memorizing his every feature. He checks on him constantly, has big plans for him, and takes the best nurturing care of him. Sam was so worried about being a good father, not knowing if he'd know what to do with his newborn. He has proven to be one of the best dads I, personally, have ever seen. I am truly a lucky woman, a lucky wife, and a lucky mother.
On this first Father's Day for Sam, I want to thank him for the best gift I've ever received: our son. I also want to thank him for being an amazing father to him already. I know it seems silly to think after only 10 days that he's such a great parent already, but I just know from what I've seen in this short time, from the conversations we've had, and from the way Banner responds to his daddy that my best friend, Sam, will continue to be a great example of a human being, a phenomenal father, a model husband, and a good man that will benefit Banner on a daily basis.

Sam: Banner and I need you, want you, adore you, respect you, and love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being by my side for more than half of my life. I can't wait to raise our son together. Happy First Father's Day!

Sweet BBJ is Finally Here!

Introducing
Banner Boone
Born June 9, 2011 at 4:04pm
6 pounds, 13 ounces
20 inches long

We are in love!

Little Time Left

At 38 weeks pregnant, I'm doing a little reflecting. I can't wait to meet my little boy, but I'm in no hurry to have him out of his safe first home and in this scary, unpredictable world. I think about him in his little cocoon right now, wondering what he might be thinking. I picture him all cozy and snuggled up tight, wondering if he wonders what's going on out here as much as I'm wondering what's going on in there! I feel his little body come to the surface of my belly, and I touch his back so gently - only a few layers of skin, fat, blood, and uterus separating us. I wonder if he's thinking, "What's that?" And, pretty soon, neither of us will have to wonder at all. How very exciting!

But, in the little time left with a bun in this oven, I am finding myself feeling a little sad, too. Just like in my previous posting about having Sam all to myself right now, here I am with this little guy inside me all to myself. As soon as he comes out, he belongs to the world - to his father, his aunts, his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, his friends, his teachers, etc. I will have to share him with so many people. So, I'm enjoying having him all wrapped up in me, while I'm all wrapped up in him all to myself.

Call me selfish, but it's the coolest thing - as I've mentioned to Sam - having both of my guys to just me. I can't wait for them to meet each other, of course, but it's neat to know I get them both to myself right now. I know I would much rather have BBJ in my arms and not in my belly, and I can't wait to see his little face and hold his tiny hands, but I'll miss being pregnant with him. I'll miss knowing that he's in the safest place he could possibly be. He's so well protected; I know where he is at all times; no one can cough on him or spread their germs to him; he can't trip or bump his head; he's fully nourished and sleeping well; he's developing more rapidly now than he ever will later.

I also know that as soon as BBJ is born, there is no turning back! There will be no more days of childless life. No more sleeping in until noon, no more running a "quick errand" or going to a late movie at a moment's notice. No more sleeping through the night without hearing every tiny noise. No more doing what I want to do - when I want to do it. No more not worrying about the last time someone else ate or slept or peed or pooped. Even our soon-to-be pediatrician said goodbye to us after an interview a couple months ago saying to embrace this time we have left without a child - he encouraged us to go to movies and go on dates. Of course, we have done those things, and we will continue to do them even with a baby, but it certainly won't be as often or as easy an outing as before.

With the little time left before we meet our son, we are taking full advantage of our baby-less time - cleaning house, shopping for last minute baby items, grocery shopping, preparing meals to freeze, writing our wills, paying bills, writing thank you notes, spending time with friends and family, cuddling on the couch, taking in the dry cleaning, getting hair cuts and car washes, installing the monitor and the car seat, washing baby clothes and sheets, and taking care of as much as we can at work before B-Day arrives. But, I know with the little time left, there's always going to be more to do before BBJ is here. Yet, oh, how exciting that he is almost here - that there is such little time left!

Things No One Should Say to a Pregnant Woman

I love being pregnant. There's something so amazingly special about having this little baby of ours move around inside me, having him with me all the time, watching my body change in order to take good care of him, and awaiting the arrival of my son to enter the world! It really is pretty darn miraculous, and I don't ever want to come across as complaining about something I have wanted since I was a little girl. Waiting for that positive pregnancy test for months and then the grueling minutes that special day was rewarded with the fabulous outcome I had been wanting, so why would I possibly complain about being pregnant at all? The truth is, though, in addition to these excited, grateful, appreciative feelings, there ARE ailments and annoying side-effects of being pregnant. I can completely tolerate those frustrations. What is difficult, though, is the comments I hear - or my friends have heard - that just kinda get under our skin. Specifically, I'm referring to comments made by a) people we don't know at all, b) people who think they know us but don't really, c) people who think they know everything. Typically, the "bothersome-ness" of the below statements is greatly decreased or non-existent if made by best friends, sisters, mothers, a fellow pregnant lady, AND if it's said with concern or curiosity. Those people seemingly get a pass. Sorry, but that's the truth. Why is that? Well, because best friends tell you like it is anyway, sisters and mothers share common genetics so they are more curious or interested in your body as it might pertain to their own, and fellow pregnant people make themselves vulnerable to the same kinds of comments, so it's all okay.

I am not trying to sound bitter or rude in any way, but I wouldn't be true to my purpose in creating this blog if I didn't voice my honest opinions - you know, those opinions that we all really have but don't say or are too afraid to admit. So, dedicated to my original goal of starting this blog, I'm going to be completely honest and forward about what we pregnant individuals can't stand from non-pregnant people in an incomplete list entitled....

Things No One Should Say to a Pregnant Woman:

• "You're enormous!" (This one's pretty obvious to me.) Other comments in this category include: "Are you sure you're not having twins?" or "You sure are getting rounder/pudgier/bigger.")


• "You won't be able to wear THAT for much longer." (And YOU won't be able to talk much longer! No, really.... what's this comment about, anyway? I can't stand people telling me what my future holds - like how much bigger I am going to get, how I'm going to have to do things differently, or "just you wait until . . . " comments. No one knows how big I'm going to get or how difficult it's going to be. Every person's different. My experience will be different than yours, and my experience this time around will be different than my own experience next time. People have warned me about my stretch marks that are on the way, my belly button that will pop soon, and so many other things about doctor's appointments or other physical ailments. So far, they've been wrong. I know I still have 3 weeks, which is a long time at this point, but still... predicting the future is a difficult task; let's just wait and see what happens without your input.)


• "You must be having a girl. Your hips are huge/you have so much acne." (Not really a compliment, huh?)


• "Did you use fertility treatments?" (Many women will just tell you if they want you to know this. If not, it's really none of your business, nor does it matter.)


• "I feel so fat! I'm so out of shape." (You're saying this to ME?!)


• "Your boobs are huge!" (Yep! And, they're gonna get bigger... and uglier.)


• "You're still pregnant?"


• "It's way too early for you to be waddling." (Someone once said this to me and I wanted to hit her. Not only was I probably NOT waddling, but who is she to tell me when it's an appropriate or inappropriate time to walk in a way that is more comfortable for my changing gait?)


• Any horror stories about labor and delivery.


• "How much weight have you gained?"


• "Should you really be eating that?"


• "Aren't you worried about pushing that baby out of you?" (Well, NOW I am!)


• "You look miserable!" or "You look like you can't walk." (Well, growing a person inside you can take lots of hard work. What's YOUR special talent? And, at least I'll be back to "normal" after I push him out of me! )


• "It must be pregnant brain!" (No, really... it's not my hormones making me forget. You really never told me that story before... or asked me to run that errand...or asked me that question. Don't try to get away with remembering something wrong by blaming ME!)


• "You weren't trying, were you?" (I have a good friend who recently told me, about her second pregnancy, "I like to keep my sex life relatively private and having gone through this before I know that my body, medical choices and most things that were once deemed private become very public." Keep this in mind when your reaction to a second/future pregnancy seems a little too shocked.)


• "There's no way you're 8 months along; you're barely showing." (I get this one a lot, and it pisses me off. One person has told me in the same day that I look "only four months pregnant," and then later "you look about six months pregnant" when I was really 8 months. Well, which is it? People probably think they're being nice because it's not like the obviously rude "You're so big" comments, but it only makes me think the person saying it believes there is something wrong with the growth of my child. I'm becoming a mother - code for "worrier." Don't give me a reason to think you think my baby's not growing right. I'll trust my doctor to tell me that my baby and my belly are growing just fine.)
  

I realize this covers a wide variety of topics that should be off limits, and it makes it hard to know exactly what to say to a pregnant person, but I've included these items just as a "heads-up" to protect the innocent. I'm not saying that every person will find these comments offensive; in fact, there are some comments listed above that I'm not really upset by. I'm also not suggesting that pregnant people are entirely too sensitive to handle any of these statements, but you just never know how someone will interpret them, so it's best not to say them at all. Of course, many of these comments were ones I never thought anything of until I, myself, was a pregnant lady, and then I "got it." It's hard to know what goes through the mind of a person who is worried about her baby, worried about her changing body, or worried about how others view her new form without having gone through that experience. I'm sure there will be more for me to learn along the way, later in this journey. . . like the ever-popular complaint many postpartum moms hear, "When are you due?" months after their babies are born, or the comments I know many new moms get right after birth: "You still look pregnant." I'm sure those will annoy me like they annoy those other mothers - I mean, think about it... it took months to get to be this round, it's going to take just as long or longer to get remotely back to the size you were before, right?

Anyway, I just wanted to reflect on some of the interesting comments heard by so many of my friends and me. Do you have anything to add to this list? Oh, and I'd like to thank the ladies who also contributed to this post, whether they explicitly told me comments they heard or if we talked about it in various conversations. So, thank you fellow pregnant ladies: Logan, Lisa, Randi, Julie, Casey, Jenny, Kristi, Laura, and Lindsay. And, well, since this blog is entitled "Journey to the Knot" and has mostly been about marriage and family - I'll also thank my most amazing husband for helping me reflect on why these comments can be so bothersome, agreeing with me, and empathizing when he hears them, too! I love you, Sam! :)

Poor Moms, Poor Dads

"Choosy Moms Choose Jif"

"Kid tested, Mother Approved." -Kix

"Recommended by Dr. Mom" - Robitussin

"Moms depend on Kool-Aid like kids depend on Moms."

"Kid delicious. Mom nutritious." - Nestle Nesquik

Have you ever thought about how society views mothers? If you know me, you know I have - and a lot! The above ads came to me pretty quickly when I thought about how TV commercials help perpetuate the way we view parents. More than how this affects mothers, I've thought about how this affects fathers. I asked Sam the other night, after several "parenting" conversations that had come up last weekend with friends and with family, if he ever gets annoyed that most people tend to look to me when it comes to decisions about our child. It kind of annoys me, so I wondered if it annoyed him. I recognize that women are seen as the primary care-takers of their children, but should we just accept that stereotype/assumption without questioning it? The concern is definitely a feminist one - that men and women should be equals. I'm not complaining about how it makes me feel as a woman; I'm worried about how it makes our men feel as fathers.

The fact is that I want Sam to be just as active in our child's life as I am. I want him to make decisions with me; I want his input and his help; I want him to be just as involved in child-rearing and care-taking as I am. It bothers me when people assume he doesn't care or doesn't have an opinion about something. It also bothers me when people assume I DO. It's kind of the same way I felt with the wedding planning - the original reason I started this blog in the first place. I was not one of those women who had envisioned my wedding day with the minute details already planned out since I was 2 years old. I hated when the vendors would look at me (and not at Sam) with the expectation that I knew the answers to their questions when I may have never thought about what I would like/want. I desperately needed Sam to talk about what he wanted as well. It's pretty much the same thing now. . . our friends and family ask us questions and look to me for the answers - not to Sam.

The worst part is that I understand the stereotype. I work in a school with children, and when there's a problem or I need to talk to a parent, the first one I'd rather talk to is the mother. Is that because fathers, in general, are not expected to know the answers about their own children? Is that because they really aren't involved? Or, is that because I find it easier to talk to a woman? So many internal questions with this one... and, again, what's worse is that my own brother is extremely active in his kids' lives. He is with them more than their mother is. I know many dads who attend parent/teacher conferences and are more communicative than the moms are. And, I know many single dads who are raising their kids on their own, so why would I feel that I can't talk to a dad as easily as I could talk to a mom? I guess I blame society for these messages that dads just don't know what's going on with their kids or don't care - - even though I KNOW that message is not true.

I want Sam and I to be the parents who show up to the pediatrician together, who attend parent/teacher conferences together, who would know all of Baby's friends, his grades, when his next soccer game is, etc. without having to consult with each other. I don't want Sam to feel left out of decision-making when it comes to our child or our family. I just don't want everyone to assume that I'm the only one with knowledge of our child or that I'm the only one making the decisions for our kids.

During our conversation last weekend, we talked about how sexist our society is. The wedding was just as much Sam's as it was mine - and who did people look to when asking questions about what we wanted to happen at this event? Me. This baby is just as much Sam's as he is mine - and who do people look to when asking questions about how we will raise him, care for him, etc? Me. Yet, when this house belonged solely to me, and Sam was in town from school helping me with some house maintenance, we'd go to Home Depot, and who did people look to when asking questions about the house? Sam! The same is true when we were looking at buying a new car last summer. The car was for me, but who did the salesperson ask questions to when discussing preferences or payment plans? Sam!

We both decided, after this interesting conversation, that we really haven't come as far as we think we have (as a society) since the 1950s. This is a problem, in my opinion, for both moms and dads when it comes to parenting. Moms feel the pressure to know everything, to have decisions made, to be the primary care-taker. Dads feel left-out, as if they don't know or care.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but those ad slogans seem to really favor moms as the primary care-taker and decision-maker. Just watch TV commercials more closely - you might start to notice, if you haven't already, how dads are treated as additional children or non-existent in their kids' lives. Poor Moms. Poor Dads.

The Empathy and the Empathy Belly

Every Thursday in April, Sam and I participated in a Prepared Childbirth Class which took place at our hospital. Each class started with a lecture segment led by our instructor, Jessie. Then, we would watch a video of some kind, and then we would practice relaxation techniques from breathing to massage. Sam and I both learned a great deal about various topics from the stages of labor to postpartum care. We got a chance to talk to other couples, to hear about the hospital policies and procedures, and to voice our concerns and fears. We had a chance to really discuss our hopes, desires, and expectations with each other, as well. One assignment was to delegate percentages of responsibilities for various household and baby care chores after the baby is born - like who is mostly responsible for laundry, yard care, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, feeding baby, bathing baby, house maintenance, etc. Another assignment was to discuss our fears about medical intervention with another couple in the class. During class discussion, we talked about our expectations for who we wanted to be allowed in the labor room, what should happen immediately after the baby is born, and how we wanted to handle guests at the hospital ( as well as how to share that information with our family and friends). I, personally, liked the videos we would watch. Even though they would scare the ba-jeesus out of me (and the other women as we watched women give birth and nurse their babies - both completely natural activities that looked entirely unnatural!), it was really Sam's first experience seeing anything like this. Oh, you should have seen his face - more specifically his eyes - when he'd see such sights - especially just how much of the breast goes into a baby's mouth! Too priceless! :)

I would come home from these classes with a better understanding of what we've gotten ourselves into, and I'd feel understood by the instructor, by the other women in the class, and most importantly, by Sam. Some people have told us that these classes are worthless, and that, in the heat of the moment of labor and delivery, you forget everything you've learned. Well, my response to that is that I don't really care. There's a lot I DIDN'T get out of the class; for example, I already know how I handle pain - and having Sam tell me a funny story will NOT help me in the moment, or having him touch me if I'm hot and sweaty will NOT be beneficial for either one of us. Yet, the discussions and assignments we had during these classes have, at the very least, opened up more conversation for Sam and me to understand each other better.

Throughout my pregnancy, my dealings with the medical professionals has been just that - medical. It's been very black and white, very unemotional. Our classes have allowed us to handle our emotional reactions to the medical side of being pregnant. Honestly, there have been very few emotional supports from doctors in my life during this emotionally charged time. I'm not saying they are un-feeling or not supportive, but no one has really validated my fears and concerns about sustaining pregnancy, about labor, and about delivery with words of encouragement and understanding like, "I know you're worried, but most babies are born healthy," or "I can understand your concerns, but there will be so many people to help you through this," or "I will be right there with you helping you when you're scared." Maybe it's my counseling background that makes me just wish these medical professionals would be a little more empathic to the fear and worry of this scary, new event in a woman's life.

Sam agrees with these comments, as once I have voiced them to him, he nods and mirrors my concerns. He has told me he is just as scared and worried as I am. He worries about me, and he worries about our baby. He doesn't want to see me in pain, and he wants to know what he can do to help me through it all. I'm so grateful that he seems to get it all; even if he doesn't have to be the one to go through it all personally, he certainly seems to empathize with what I'm saying and sees my perspective as best he can.

One additional way that Sam was able to see my point-of-view, even if not exactly the same way, was the Empathy Belly experience in our last class last week. I've posted some pictures below, so you can see how he was given the opportunity to wear a weighted belly and breasts to feel the cumbersome pregnant body. Most of the men in the class put the belly on, tried to pick something up off the floor, and then passed it along. I asked Sam to just experience what it's like to lay down, try to turn over, and then to get up on your own. He had quite a reaction to this experience - saying, "Oh, wow! That kinda hurts my back!" The other women in the class laughed a little, too. And, although these activities don't hurt my back like he experienced, he got to experience the awkward change in maneuvering your body a different way when you're pregnant. Sam has always been helpful, and he's been even more helpful while I've been pregnant - even more than I really need him to be. I can bend over, I can reach things, I can carry things, I can get off the couch, etc., but it's just more difficult now. So, it's nice to know that he's there to help, and now, after the Empathy Belly, he's even more understanding of just how awkward my body feels for me - without thinking I'm weak or "playing the pregnancy card."

So, whether or not others think these classes will benefit us on B-Day, they were certainly well worth it in the meantime and in helping both of us understand the process, the body, and the emotions we are both feeling. And, well, we got these great pics, too! Thanks for being such a great sport, Sam! Baby will love these pictures one day - of his mommy and daddy being "pregnant" at the same time! :)

Mourning Just "Samber"

I met Sam when I was 16. We became fast friends, and then we became best friends. We would chat endlessly on the phone when I went off to college, and we loved to spend hours on the computer "IMing" each other, getting all giddy that the other was online. I missed him so much, and there was no other guy that seemed to "get" me the way he did - so effortlessly, so naturally, so deeply. After about 2 years as best friends, we finally disclosed our true feelings for each other, admitting that when we said we loved each other, we meant it more than just as a friend. Our friends and family started calling us "Samber," a playful nickname we never really rejected.

We spent the next several years trying to figure out the best way to maintain our relationship and our friendship with many splits, breaks, and back-togethers. Through all of it, we never disrespected each other, never forgot the love and comfort we found in each other, and never fell out of love with each other. Deep down, I always knew I'd be with Sam in the end. I remember nights back in college - just knowing one day we would be married. I remember our talks about what we would name our kids. I remember looking for the right house to buy, knowing one day Sam would move in with me, and we'd share an amazing life together. I used to imagine my walk down the aisle towards him. I used to imagine having him next to me as I gave birth to our baby... knowing there was no one else I would want next to me in that difficult, scary, amazing, miraculous moment.

We were talking the other night about how all of these dreams are now a reality, and we're both feeling so blessed right now. We've said those words to each other - you know, the "Can you believe we're really having a baby together?" or the "We've been planning this for so long. What do you think those two teenagers would think?" referring to our younger selves. We've laid in bed just staring at each other, tearing up that we actually created a life that's growing inside me right then at that moment.

But, there's also a slight tinge of pain as we say goodbye to the time we have left as just Samber - just us. For about 15 years, we've invested time, energy, and emotion to just each other. We've nurtured our relationship and our friendship and have built a stable, strong bond that ties us to each other. So, it's hard to imagine that we both are going to add a tiny person into our lives that will require just as much (if not more) time, energy, and emotion on both of our parts. I know we are ADDING, not taking away, but there have been a few tearful moments when we just hug each other, recognizing our "just us" time is dwindling. Soon, we'll be so invested in this little life. We'll never lose us, and we can always have our date nights, our get-aways, our cruises and trips, but there's never going to be a time that we don't think about this baby boy. Our selfish days invested in only each other are ending, and I'm embracing the time we have left as a couple, a family of two.

I just love him. I love us. It's hard to believe that we'll be a "threesome" soon, and hopefully, we'll have more children one day. I can't wait to raise this child (and his siblings) with Sam. We're so ready for this. We're gonna make a great team. We'll spend time alone with each other - for us, and for the sake of our children. But, I want to embrace the nostalgic feeling that we're saying goodbye to those days of only dreaming about our kids. I want to be realistic, before I can't take advantage of the time, that I'm going to miss just us. We'll both have a new love soon . . . we already do! I'll have another little man in my life, so I'm giving myself plenty of time to soak up every moment when Sam's still my only love.

We have heard so many parents say things like, "I can't even remember life without my son/daughter." And, even looking back in time before my oldest nephew and niece were born, I really can't remember life without THEM, so I completely get that feeling. Knowing that, I want to remember as much as I can about those two teenagers who were best friends, completely in love, and dreaming about their futures together. I want to remember the trips they took on their own, the dates they had, the careless, selfish, silly times they enjoyed for so long before they grew up. So, as we enter the next stage of our lives, the next stage of our relationship and of our friendship, we will do so together, knowing we squeezed out every ounce of "just us" we could get!

Safe and Sound

My best friend told me that she cried when her kids were born. She says of course she was so happy to finally meet her babies, but she also cried because she knew there was nothing she could do to protect them the same way she had when they were inside her belly. My mom has said the same thing - that being pregnant is wonderful because you always know where your child is, and you have full use of your arms and hands.

As Sam and I walked around Babies 'R Us yesterday, we discussed how once this kid is born, we're fully in charge of all the little things that need to be taken care of, whereas, while I'm pregnant, there's no need to do much of anything - that my body is taking the best care of him without me having to do much at all! I don't need to cut his fingernails, take his temperature, clean his tush, worry about his healing circumcision, clean his ears, wonder if his umbilical cord is infected or not, monitor his milestones, suction snot out of his nose, wipe eye crust away, or keep his feet warm. I don't have to worry that he's crying too much or not eating enough.

While I worry about so many other things while I can't see him, I am trying to embrace the fact that this is the easiest part of being a mom - just letting nature take its course while allowing me to try to sleep as much as I can and not have to worry about all those little tasks to ensure my child is clean, fed, healthy, and comfortable. SO, I'm going to try to relax in the next 6 weeks - before all those tasks begin. . . before I start truly worrying about how much tummy time he needs, whether to give a pacifier or not, if his shoes are fitting okay, if he's watching too much TV, if he's making the right friends, did he finish his homework, where did he learn such foul language, and which college is the best one for him... ahhhh! Okay, I'm getting carried away, but you get the point. Parenting is not going to be easy - no one has ever said that it would be. In fact, everyone constantly reminds us how hard it is. I know it will be. So, don't think I'm crazy when I say that I want my baby to be late - I want to be pregnant as long as possible so I can enjoy the next 6 weeks (or longer!!) to be the least worried I'll ever be!

The Sacrifice

I'm not really sure how to start this posting of collective thoughts that Sam and I discussed last night, so I'll just dive right in. I'm not really sure if "The Sacrifice" is the best title for this posting, either, but I'll just go with it for now. Here goes:

My body. It has become NOT my own. It has been taken over by the existence and needs of my unborn child. I am completely okay with this - and I'm glad that BBJ is growing, doing what he needs to stay healthy and strong, and getting all of his needs met within the cramped space that my body will allow him. I'm also entirely grateful and pleased that my body knows just what to do to grow, stretch, nurture, provide for, and cradle BBJ.

However, I'm going to make a few comments that seem like I'm going to be complaining. I want to preface these comments with the underlying, strong statement that I'm NOT complaining. I'm simply making a social commentary (as I like to do, right?) and some observations I've made as a pregnant woman that never would have occurred to me if I weren't pregnant and, in addition, have rarely been made (if ever) by other pregnant women I have known before this time in my life. So, just give me my soapbox for a few moments to make some statements that seem like I'm complaining. I recognize that they seem that way - but, I'll say once more that I LOVE being pregnant and am more than excited, extremely gracious, and beyond appreciative for the life growing inside me.

I miss having my body to myself. I'm fully aware that I'll probably miss bring pregnant and having my baby all to myself, knowing his every move, knowing how protected he is in the safest environment he'll ever know. But, I do miss having my body to myself. My favorite part of being pregnant is feeling BBJ move around. It's a constant source of reassurance to pause for a moment and feel his turns, tumbles, and twitches. But, some days, I feel him all.the.time! I can be sitting in a meeting to which I should be very attentive, but Baby is moving so non-stop that he's tickling my ribs or pushing my sides, and then I start to wonder if anyone else is seeing the acrobatics under my shirt. I will continue to feel my belly contort into weird shapes or become lopsided, and this makes concentrating a little difficult. I also worry about how my movements affect him and the rest of my body: feeling like I shouldn't run, get up too fast, jump, bend at the waist, bear down, lift anything too heavy, trip, etc.

My body is doing weird things these days. The waddle is in full swing. This is involuntary, and if you have ever been educated on pregnancy, this is not something I can help really. From a shifting pelvis to joints becoming looser, it's an inevitability that all pregnant women typically face. From constant restroom visits due to pressure on the bladder to larger "ladies" that are ready to feed my baby, my body is just different. My feet are beginning to swell, especially at the end of a long work day, and the heartburn has never been nice to me. I have to say, though, that I'm not experiencing (at least yet) the many other symptoms that so many of my pregnant (or previously pregnant) friends have reported. I sleep great (minus the get-up-and-pee every 2 hours that disrupts a perfect slumber), I have lots of energy, I have very few headaches, my weight gain has been slow and steady, I haven't gotten any stretch marks (keep your fingers crossed, please!!), and I still have an "innie." I know any and all of this can change at any minute, so I'm enjoying it while I can!

But, the overwhelming part of this whole pregnancy is the triumphant ending it will have. I'm not scared about having a baby; I'm thrilled! I'm not nervous about taking care of him; I've had lots of practice with much-younger siblings, daycare work, babysitting, nieces, nephews, and just being around kids all my life. What I am starting to get a little anxious about is the labor and delivery part of this pregnant thing. I think because of this anxiety, I start to get a little annoyed that I'm the one that has to do all of this work. Sam and I have had many conversations about this, especially as we have started our childbirth classes.

It's an anxiety that he can't really help me with. It's a feeling that's hard to describe without sounding like I'm resentful or upset about having to be the one to endure the pain and discomforts. Ask Sam and he'll tell you that I haven't really minded or complained about so many of the symptoms pregnancy has brought on. I've been mostly "okay" with the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, breast tenderness, swelling, weight gain, heartburn, Braxton Hicks, itchy belly, peeing, etc. I've been fine with all the doctor's appointments, tests, weigh-ins, blood work, etc. I've even been pretty even-tempered and have rarely had any hormonally-induced emotional outbursts. He would tell you that I'm the same pregnant as I was pre-pregnant. I've also handled the responsibility of keeping track of how active Baby is - knowing it's solely MY job to know if he's okay in there.

So, going through all of these changes, I've been fine. But, as I look towards the coming weeks and inevitable birth of this baby, I'm getting a little more panicked, and I'm feeling a little frustrated at what's coming. And, it's not just the pain of labor or of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of the size of a lemon (to be trite), it's the fear of no privacy and everyone staring at me, it's that I will have to recover, it's that I will be someone's buffet for the next X number of months.

Men around me have told me, "I think you're really over-thinking this!" which really pisses me off. Because, they have never had to consider the idea of labor and delivery and it's aftermath as a reality for themselves. Sure, they can say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with that!" or "Yeah, that sucks!" But they never really take on what that might be like - to be spread-eagle in front of a team of numerous people pushing something out of their body that will, within the same hour, begin munching on a tender part of your body.

There have been times when Sam has told me that he is jealous of me - that I get to feel BBJ all day, that I'm with him all the time, that I am bonding with him in a way that he can't right now. And, there are times when I feel badly that he can't get that experience. I wish he could. I also wish, however, that he could fully be aware of how terrifying the idea of labor and delivery is for me. He gets it, but there's really nothing he can do to take that fear & anxiety away. He'll be a great coach, and he's a great listener. But, it's just not the same as being freaked out like I am. We both worry about the baby, we both worry about me, we both have anxieties about what parenting is going to be like with sleepless nights and a changing lifestyle, we worry about finances and managing a family of three, and we both worry about what choices we make for our son. But, we SHARE those fears and empathize with each others' fears. What Sam can't truly help me with is the "sacrifice" my body has had to make so far and the "sacrifice" it is going to keep making for this baby - and any future children.

I know all you moms out there will tell me it's not a "sacrifice," or that if it is, that it's well worth it. And, I KNOW it will be - it already is well worth it. We love this boy so much already! But, it's at least worth mentioning in a long post like this, where we are all just being honest, that being pregnant is hard, being a mother is hard work, and our bodies will never be quite the same. It's worth mentioning that and being honest about our fears, our frustrations, and our loneliness in these feelings. Once I talk to other moms about this, they usually agree with me that it's an overwhelming feeling of being alone in this fear - a fear that their husbands can only try to imagine. No one knows how a labor and delivery will go - it's different for every woman, and it's different with every baby born to that woman. It's a fear of the unknown, the fear of something you've never experienced before. I'm excited about meeting my son; I'm excited about finally knowing how this pregnancy ends; I'm excited that I'm pregnant and that I, as a woman, have this unique, amazing opportunity! But, my body has gone through a lot - so forgive me if I'm a little overwhelmed and anxious about the finale that will be here in about 8 weeks!

What I Know About BBJ So Far

I don't know my son yet... no idea what his personality is like, how he'll react to certain things, if he really looks like the 3D sono pics in reality, who he'll take after, etc. But, I do know a few things about our Baby Boy J (BBJ for short - no, not his initials):

-He loves to reassure his mama! Just when I wonder if everything's going okay in there, he'll give me a little poke, roll, tumble, jab, or kick to reassure me. It's like he's a mind reader, knowing right at that moment that I need him to move! This is one of my favorite things about him - other than actually feeling him move. 9 times out of 10, he will move right after I say to him in my head, "You okay in there? Please move! Please?" And, then, he responds with a movement of some kind, to which I reply, "Thank you!!" I picture him saying, "I'm fine, Mom! Stop worrying!" followed by, "You're welcome!" He has impeccable manners and is very cooperative!

-His most active times (like many babies) are when I'm not active. Laying in bed, relaxing on the couch, sitting at my computer, etc. This is awesome during a faculty meeting or a conference where I'm doing a lot of listening and am bored! He's quite the entertainer!

-He's most active in the mornings from 9:30-11:00ish and in the evenings anywhere from 5:00ish to 7:00ish.

-When I talk, he stops moving. If I want Sam to feel him, I have to whisper or tap or do something where my vocal chords don't vibrate. He's such a great listener!

-He'll move when my hands are on my belly, but he often stops when Sam puts his hands on me to feel him. We've figured it's the warmth of Sam's hands that cause the difference because if he puts the back of his hand against my belly, then BBJ keeps moving. Pretty perceptive!

-He rarely moves after I eat. Most babies move after a meal due to increased sugar - so I've read. But, not my little one. Bananas are the only food that causes a slight increase in activity. ...tolerates his sugar well! :)

-When we play music for him through headphones on my belly, he only moves to songs I play often (lullabies I want him to be familiar with for later!). Otherwise, he just kicks the headphones once or twice. He knows his music!

-He's head down for now. He will switch from facing the left to facing the right, but in the past couple sonograms, he's maintained the head-down position. In two consecutive sonograms, he has been seen holding his feet. It's pretty cool to see his little hands wrapped around his little toes! He's also been seen both times with his hands up near his face - either hiding his face as he sleeps or covering his mouth. Both of these positions he could very well have inherited from his parents!

-Last week, at 28 weeks, he had peach fuzz on his head - with the exception of a little tuft of hair on the back of his head. At that time, he was weighing approximately 3 pounds, 3 ounces. He was measuring a few days ahead of schedule, and his leg & arm lengths put him in the 90th percentile for height (but a centimeter can make a huge difference at this point)! His belly was the smallest part of him - which means I need to eat more - but he's a little parasite and taking lots of nutrients from me! However, at almost 30 weeks this week, my appetite has significantly increased, so eating more should not be a problem! We basically have, at this point, a tall, skinny kid growing in there - not sure where either of those characteristics come from!! - but LOTS can change in the next 10 weeks!

So, I've never met him, but seemingly, I can tell you a lot about him already! It's going to be interesting to see if any of these bits of information stay the same when he's outside of his cozy cocoon! One thing I know for sure is that whoever he is, Sam & I already love him so much!