I'm not really sure how to start this posting of collective thoughts that Sam and I discussed last night, so I'll just dive right in. I'm not really sure if "The Sacrifice" is the best title for this posting, either, but I'll just go with it for now. Here goes:
My body. It has become NOT my own. It has been taken over by the existence and needs of my unborn child. I am completely okay with this - and I'm glad that BBJ is growing, doing what he needs to stay healthy and strong, and getting all of his needs met within the cramped space that my body will allow him. I'm also entirely grateful and pleased that my body knows just what to do to grow, stretch, nurture, provide for, and cradle BBJ.
However, I'm going to make a few comments that seem like I'm going to be complaining. I want to preface these comments with the underlying, strong statement that I'm NOT complaining. I'm simply making a social commentary (as I like to do, right?) and some observations I've made as a pregnant woman that never would have occurred to me if I weren't pregnant and, in addition, have rarely been made (if ever) by other pregnant women I have known before this time in my life. So, just give me my soapbox for a few moments to make some statements that seem like I'm complaining. I recognize that they seem that way - but, I'll say once more that I LOVE being pregnant and am more than excited, extremely gracious, and beyond appreciative for the life growing inside me.
I miss having my body to myself. I'm fully aware that I'll probably miss bring pregnant and having my baby all to myself, knowing his every move, knowing how protected he is in the safest environment he'll ever know. But, I do miss having my body to myself. My favorite part of being pregnant is feeling BBJ move around. It's a constant source of reassurance to pause for a moment and feel his turns, tumbles, and twitches. But, some days, I feel him all.the.time! I can be sitting in a meeting to which I should be very attentive, but Baby is moving so non-stop that he's tickling my ribs or pushing my sides, and then I start to wonder if anyone else is seeing the acrobatics under my shirt. I will continue to feel my belly contort into weird shapes or become lopsided, and this makes concentrating a little difficult. I also worry about how my movements affect him and the rest of my body: feeling like I shouldn't run, get up too fast, jump, bend at the waist, bear down, lift anything too heavy, trip, etc.
My body is doing weird things these days. The waddle is in full swing. This is involuntary, and if you have ever been educated on pregnancy, this is not something I can help really. From a shifting pelvis to joints becoming looser, it's an inevitability that all pregnant women typically face. From constant restroom visits due to pressure on the bladder to larger "ladies" that are ready to feed my baby, my body is just different. My feet are beginning to swell, especially at the end of a long work day, and the heartburn has never been nice to me. I have to say, though, that I'm not experiencing (at least yet) the many other symptoms that so many of my pregnant (or previously pregnant) friends have reported. I sleep great (minus the get-up-and-pee every 2 hours that disrupts a perfect slumber), I have lots of energy, I have very few headaches, my weight gain has been slow and steady, I haven't gotten any stretch marks (keep your fingers crossed, please!!), and I still have an "innie." I know any and all of this can change at any minute, so I'm enjoying it while I can!
But, the overwhelming part of this whole pregnancy is the triumphant ending it will have. I'm not scared about having a baby; I'm thrilled! I'm not nervous about taking care of him; I've had lots of practice with much-younger siblings, daycare work, babysitting, nieces, nephews, and just being around kids all my life. What I am starting to get a little anxious about is the labor and delivery part of this pregnant thing. I think because of this anxiety, I start to get a little annoyed that I'm the one that has to do all of this work. Sam and I have had many conversations about this, especially as we have started our childbirth classes.
It's an anxiety that he can't really help me with. It's a feeling that's hard to describe without sounding like I'm resentful or upset about having to be the one to endure the pain and discomforts. Ask Sam and he'll tell you that I haven't really minded or complained about so many of the symptoms pregnancy has brought on. I've been mostly "okay" with the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, breast tenderness, swelling, weight gain, heartburn, Braxton Hicks, itchy belly, peeing, etc. I've been fine with all the doctor's appointments, tests, weigh-ins, blood work, etc. I've even been pretty even-tempered and have rarely had any hormonally-induced emotional outbursts. He would tell you that I'm the same pregnant as I was pre-pregnant. I've also handled the responsibility of keeping track of how active Baby is - knowing it's solely MY job to know if he's okay in there.
So, going through all of these changes, I've been fine. But, as I look towards the coming weeks and inevitable birth of this baby, I'm getting a little more panicked, and I'm feeling a little frustrated at what's coming. And, it's not just the pain of labor or of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of the size of a lemon (to be trite), it's the fear of no privacy and everyone staring at me, it's that I will have to recover, it's that I will be someone's buffet for the next X number of months.
Men around me have told me, "I think you're really over-thinking this!" which really pisses me off. Because, they have never had to consider the idea of labor and delivery and it's aftermath as a reality for themselves. Sure, they can say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with that!" or "Yeah, that sucks!" But they never really take on what that might be like - to be spread-eagle in front of a team of numerous people pushing something out of their body that will, within the same hour, begin munching on a tender part of your body.
There have been times when Sam has told me that he is jealous of me - that I get to feel BBJ all day, that I'm with him all the time, that I am bonding with him in a way that he can't right now. And, there are times when I feel badly that he can't get that experience. I wish he could. I also wish, however, that he could fully be aware of how terrifying the idea of labor and delivery is for me. He gets it, but there's really nothing he can do to take that fear & anxiety away. He'll be a great coach, and he's a great listener. But, it's just not the same as being freaked out like I am. We both worry about the baby, we both worry about me, we both have anxieties about what parenting is going to be like with sleepless nights and a changing lifestyle, we worry about finances and managing a family of three, and we both worry about what choices we make for our son. But, we SHARE those fears and empathize with each others' fears. What Sam can't truly help me with is the "sacrifice" my body has had to make so far and the "sacrifice" it is going to keep making for this baby - and any future children.
I know all you moms out there will tell me it's not a "sacrifice," or that if it is, that it's well worth it. And, I KNOW it will be - it already is well worth it. We love this boy so much already! But, it's at least worth mentioning in a long post like this, where we are all just being honest, that being pregnant is hard, being a mother is hard work, and our bodies will never be quite the same. It's worth mentioning that and being honest about our fears, our frustrations, and our loneliness in these feelings. Once I talk to other moms about this, they usually agree with me that it's an overwhelming feeling of being alone in this fear - a fear that their husbands can only try to imagine. No one knows how a labor and delivery will go - it's different for every woman, and it's different with every baby born to that woman. It's a fear of the unknown, the fear of something you've never experienced before. I'm excited about meeting my son; I'm excited about finally knowing how this pregnancy ends; I'm excited that I'm pregnant and that I, as a woman, have this unique, amazing opportunity! But, my body has gone through a lot - so forgive me if I'm a little overwhelmed and anxious about the finale that will be here in about 8 weeks!
However, I'm going to make a few comments that seem like I'm going to be complaining. I want to preface these comments with the underlying, strong statement that I'm NOT complaining. I'm simply making a social commentary (as I like to do, right?) and some observations I've made as a pregnant woman that never would have occurred to me if I weren't pregnant and, in addition, have rarely been made (if ever) by other pregnant women I have known before this time in my life. So, just give me my soapbox for a few moments to make some statements that seem like I'm complaining. I recognize that they seem that way - but, I'll say once more that I LOVE being pregnant and am more than excited, extremely gracious, and beyond appreciative for the life growing inside me.
I miss having my body to myself. I'm fully aware that I'll probably miss bring pregnant and having my baby all to myself, knowing his every move, knowing how protected he is in the safest environment he'll ever know. But, I do miss having my body to myself. My favorite part of being pregnant is feeling BBJ move around. It's a constant source of reassurance to pause for a moment and feel his turns, tumbles, and twitches. But, some days, I feel him all.the.time! I can be sitting in a meeting to which I should be very attentive, but Baby is moving so non-stop that he's tickling my ribs or pushing my sides, and then I start to wonder if anyone else is seeing the acrobatics under my shirt. I will continue to feel my belly contort into weird shapes or become lopsided, and this makes concentrating a little difficult. I also worry about how my movements affect him and the rest of my body: feeling like I shouldn't run, get up too fast, jump, bend at the waist, bear down, lift anything too heavy, trip, etc.
My body is doing weird things these days. The waddle is in full swing. This is involuntary, and if you have ever been educated on pregnancy, this is not something I can help really. From a shifting pelvis to joints becoming looser, it's an inevitability that all pregnant women typically face. From constant restroom visits due to pressure on the bladder to larger "ladies" that are ready to feed my baby, my body is just different. My feet are beginning to swell, especially at the end of a long work day, and the heartburn has never been nice to me. I have to say, though, that I'm not experiencing (at least yet) the many other symptoms that so many of my pregnant (or previously pregnant) friends have reported. I sleep great (minus the get-up-and-pee every 2 hours that disrupts a perfect slumber), I have lots of energy, I have very few headaches, my weight gain has been slow and steady, I haven't gotten any stretch marks (keep your fingers crossed, please!!), and I still have an "innie." I know any and all of this can change at any minute, so I'm enjoying it while I can!
But, the overwhelming part of this whole pregnancy is the triumphant ending it will have. I'm not scared about having a baby; I'm thrilled! I'm not nervous about taking care of him; I've had lots of practice with much-younger siblings, daycare work, babysitting, nieces, nephews, and just being around kids all my life. What I am starting to get a little anxious about is the labor and delivery part of this pregnant thing. I think because of this anxiety, I start to get a little annoyed that I'm the one that has to do all of this work. Sam and I have had many conversations about this, especially as we have started our childbirth classes.
It's an anxiety that he can't really help me with. It's a feeling that's hard to describe without sounding like I'm resentful or upset about having to be the one to endure the pain and discomforts. Ask Sam and he'll tell you that I haven't really minded or complained about so many of the symptoms pregnancy has brought on. I've been mostly "okay" with the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, breast tenderness, swelling, weight gain, heartburn, Braxton Hicks, itchy belly, peeing, etc. I've been fine with all the doctor's appointments, tests, weigh-ins, blood work, etc. I've even been pretty even-tempered and have rarely had any hormonally-induced emotional outbursts. He would tell you that I'm the same pregnant as I was pre-pregnant. I've also handled the responsibility of keeping track of how active Baby is - knowing it's solely MY job to know if he's okay in there.
So, going through all of these changes, I've been fine. But, as I look towards the coming weeks and inevitable birth of this baby, I'm getting a little more panicked, and I'm feeling a little frustrated at what's coming. And, it's not just the pain of labor or of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of the size of a lemon (to be trite), it's the fear of no privacy and everyone staring at me, it's that I will have to recover, it's that I will be someone's buffet for the next X number of months.
Men around me have told me, "I think you're really over-thinking this!" which really pisses me off. Because, they have never had to consider the idea of labor and delivery and it's aftermath as a reality for themselves. Sure, they can say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with that!" or "Yeah, that sucks!" But they never really take on what that might be like - to be spread-eagle in front of a team of numerous people pushing something out of their body that will, within the same hour, begin munching on a tender part of your body.
There have been times when Sam has told me that he is jealous of me - that I get to feel BBJ all day, that I'm with him all the time, that I am bonding with him in a way that he can't right now. And, there are times when I feel badly that he can't get that experience. I wish he could. I also wish, however, that he could fully be aware of how terrifying the idea of labor and delivery is for me. He gets it, but there's really nothing he can do to take that fear & anxiety away. He'll be a great coach, and he's a great listener. But, it's just not the same as being freaked out like I am. We both worry about the baby, we both worry about me, we both have anxieties about what parenting is going to be like with sleepless nights and a changing lifestyle, we worry about finances and managing a family of three, and we both worry about what choices we make for our son. But, we SHARE those fears and empathize with each others' fears. What Sam can't truly help me with is the "sacrifice" my body has had to make so far and the "sacrifice" it is going to keep making for this baby - and any future children.
I know all you moms out there will tell me it's not a "sacrifice," or that if it is, that it's well worth it. And, I KNOW it will be - it already is well worth it. We love this boy so much already! But, it's at least worth mentioning in a long post like this, where we are all just being honest, that being pregnant is hard, being a mother is hard work, and our bodies will never be quite the same. It's worth mentioning that and being honest about our fears, our frustrations, and our loneliness in these feelings. Once I talk to other moms about this, they usually agree with me that it's an overwhelming feeling of being alone in this fear - a fear that their husbands can only try to imagine. No one knows how a labor and delivery will go - it's different for every woman, and it's different with every baby born to that woman. It's a fear of the unknown, the fear of something you've never experienced before. I'm excited about meeting my son; I'm excited about finally knowing how this pregnancy ends; I'm excited that I'm pregnant and that I, as a woman, have this unique, amazing opportunity! But, my body has gone through a lot - so forgive me if I'm a little overwhelmed and anxious about the finale that will be here in about 8 weeks!
Hey Esther! I'm finally getting around to reading several of your blogs and I absolutely love them! It is nice to finally hear some honesty! It is 3am so I've gotta make this short and sweet, but i completely know what you mean in the sense of admitting to the feelings as coming across as complaints. It's definitely not that and it's unfortunate that the guilt of vocalizing the sensations has to bring forth that feelin as well, if that makes sense (again, 3am...delirious). The whole fear, anxiety, excitement, etc of pregnancy is SO overwhelming! I'm sure it's a completely different experience after the 1st time around which is another reason the first one is so intense. Once it's over, you hear there's nothing like your first pregnancy. Though any future baby's movements are exciting, it's nothing like experiencing such a foreign feeling for the first time. Not to mention, being able to go through a pregnancy and all the "not so delightful" accompaniments without having to care for another little one simultaneously. Although the thought of having another one around does also lead me to believe that my patience of having to wait for the little one inside would seem much easier.
ReplyDeleteI also especially loved your post about the reluctancy (for lack of better words) of now having to share yours and Sam's relationship with another being. Believe me when I say, I do completely realize you are NOT complaining! I have been dying to have a baby for as long as I can remember and we did not want to wait a minute after we got married! But the reality is, the time for just the two of us (with the exception of date nights, etc) is coming to an end. I know it will be solely an asset but it's just the idea of change...a big change at that. And to know that as close as we feel to our men, as if we've been "just the 2 of us" for so long, in reality we are going to be parents for much longer! Crazy! Anyway, I could go on and on forever, but I've gotta get some sleep. As we know, it will without a doubt, all be worth it in the end and we won't be able to even imagine our lives before. Besides, it will be VERY fun to have playdates and a whole new reason to catch up! Keep up the posts, Esther! They're fantastic!