Honeymoon: Part 2

After a full week on the cruise, we docked in Barcelona, our final port-of-call and where we bid farewell to our marvelous time at sea. We decided to partake in the Barcelona City excursion to have a tour guide show us around the city while monitoring our luggage on the locked bus. We couldn't check in to our hotel room until after 12ish, so we had all morning to go sightseeing. There was no way were toting our bags around with us, so the easiest thing and to get the most out of our cruise experience, we booked the excursion while on board the ship a few nights before. It was perfect! Our guide, Pilar, was amazing and told us loads of information about Barcelona. We visited the Gothic Quarter, Sagrada Familia, Montjuic, the Cathedral, and traveled past La Ramblas and some more of Gaudi's famous architecture. Our bus dropped us off in Catalunya Square around noon where we could walk 2 blocks to our hotel. We had to wait about an hour before our room was ready, which gave us ample time to plan the rest of our day and night there. It also gave my feet a chance to rest after much walking and walking and walking!

Our hotel room was very nice. We had the honeymoon suite, and it had LOTS of space. Our favorite part was the balcony overlooking the city - we could even see Sagrada Familia in our view! The bed sucked - hard as a rock; my neck and back were stiff for 2 days after that one night in Barcelona! Anyway, the first thing we did was figure out our way to the famous Picasso Museum. This was our first time to use the Metro there, and I was proud of us for figuring that out so quickly. I was NOT proud of the fact that once we got there, our maps were either missing streets or were not updated. Yes, mapS - with an "s"! We had two between us, and we could not figure out where the heck we were going. I was getting very frustrated when we figured out our maps were either wrong or not helpful...when finally we came upon the tiniest little street that had a sign at the end of it pointing to the Picasso Museum. I guess I had it in my little mind that an important museum like this one would have a bigger building, a bigger sign - hell, a bigger street! It was just a tiny little hole-in-the-wall kind of place, but it was nice once inside. My favorites were his early years and his sketches before the abstract stuff I just don't care that much for. Once we got passed the Blue period, I was kind of ready to go - as everything slowly turned into kindergraten-looking drawings (in our opinions, we thought our nephews could have drawn some of these things, but I know LOTS of people disagree with us and find this period to be very talented. - Not that my nephews aren't talented... oh, nevermind).

Later that evening, we navigated our way to the Lessops, the Metro stop we needed to walk to Parc Guell, Gaudi's famous park. This was our favorite part of Barcelona; it was so much fun and very peaceful. We felt like we had stepped into either a Dr. Suess book or into Alice's Wonderland. Then, we walked back to the metro after buying my niece a Flaminco dancer doll. My aunt had bought one for me when she lived in Spain when I was little, so it's only fitting that I bought MY niece one.

That night, we ate dinner on our balcony. We had picked up dinner from a local grill (not very Barcelonian, I know, but we needed cheap and tasty). We loved looking out over our balcony to Barcelona at night. Beautiful!

The following day, we checked out of the hotel and made our way to the airport for our flight to London, where we spent 4 more nights before having to travel back to the states. When we got to London, we had to figure out the Underground/Tube system. I'll spare you the details in how my husband refuses to ask for help or assistance and demands that we figure things out on our own and how I usually get frustrated enough for both of us and ask someone myself. Needless to say, we got the tickets we needed, and we traveled the hour long ride into Bayswater, a neighborhood in London. We checked into our bed & breakfast, a quaint little place with a brilliant lobby. Our room, however, was not so brilliant. It was just LITTLE. We barely had enough room to put our actual suitcases, not to mention what things were INSIDE the luggage. This room was tiny, tiny - and we paid some not to tiny money for it! Honestly, we had a tiff about whether to leave the place or not since we were paying SO much for such a tiny place, which at that time felt like it had no air conditioning. Realizing the room was really already paid for (they had charged our credit card upon arrival) with no refunds, we decided to calm down and make the most of it. I did a little bit of room rearrangement - flipping a stool onto the "desk" chair, moving the "desk" as close to the wall as possible, and then we had room for our suitcase to fit on the floor! We figured out how to turn on the A/C (trying to figure out the Celsius conversion), and we unpacked only what we needed for the next 4 days. Soon, it was time to go eat dinner, and we walked just around the corner to a little cafe to buy some "picnic-y" items (sandwiches, fruit, water). Then, we walked just across the street to Kensington Gardens. We picnicked there, watching all the joggers, the strollers, the studiers, the businessmen and women walking home, etc. Then, we enjoyed a little walk in the park before calling it a night.

The next morning, we woke up very early for a full day of sightseeing. We started with our first breakfast at the B&B - a full English-style breakfast. I stuck mostly to what I knew and ate fresh fruit, toast, some eggs, and a little hash brown cake. Their breakfast was so yummy, and we ate there every morning as part of our room package. Then, we headed to the Tower of London for a full morning of a Yeoman's tour, the Crown Jewels, stories of prisoners and executions, and other history and mystery. A few hours later, and we were about ready to leave. Just a quick stop at the Tower of London Gift Shop to see if we could find anything for our nephews. We came across these little paper models enclosed in a glass box with a button that, when pushed, showed you how the paper models worked. Too funny, we had to buy these little models for our 6 and 7 year old nephews, knowing full well that the gift may be inappropriate, but that the boys would love it - it was a paper model called The Executioner which depicts a man's head being chopped off when you turn the handle on the model. The executioner's axe gently falls as you turn the handle, and as it makes contact with the prisoner's neck, the head falls off! We giggled at it, so we thought the kids would love it - even if their parents would have liked a sombrero from Spain or an Italian piggy bank or something a little more innocent. Ha!

Soon, we headed to London Bridge to find a nearby restaurant. We found this cute little shop called Pret A Manger ("Pret"), where we could buy fresh, healthy food for a decent price for both of us to get what we wanted. We enjoyed a nice sit and a yummy lunch while we mapped out the rest of our day. We walked across London Bridge after lunch, admiring the view of Tower Bridge across the River Thames. Tower Bridge is much more impressive than London Bridge, so it was a nice little view there. Then, we made our way to the Globe Theater, a replica of Shakespeare's famous playhouse. We got a short tour before being able to watch a portion of the rehearsal for Henry VII Part 2 from two different aspects in the Globe. I felt like I was part of the audience in Shakespeare in Love, as I watched the actors and the directors interact. We learned a lot that day - like why noble people would say they went to "hear" a play (rather than "see") because quite often, the higher class seats were so high in the theater that they could not see the action but just listen to the play. A play was a social function, where higher class people sat higher up so that a) everyone could see them and b) they could "look down" on lower class citizens. We thought this stuff was interesting to learn about. Next, we walked over the Millenium Bridge to head back to a tube stop to head towards Picadilly Circus where we could eat dinner and look around a little. We had heard about a restaurant chain called Wagamama, a Japanese noodle joint. We ate there after looking around Picadilly a little bit. The restaurant was good, but different than I had heard about. After that, we were ready to head back to the B&B for a nice relaxing evening. . . but first, we wanted to head to Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park, so we exited the Marble Arch tube stop to hear all the speakers we had heard would be there. Of course, when we got off the tube and saw the corner, there was NO ONE there. Not one speaker; not one protester; not one listener. We thought it was ironic and even made sure that we were in the right place by looking at a Hyde Park map - which we were. We took a picture of the empty corner, then we got back on the tube to head "home."

The next morning, after another lovely breakfast at our B&B, we met Helena, a London Walks tour guide, just outside the Westminster tube station. A friend of ours had recommended London Walks tours, and it was a great suggestion. We loved this walk (one of many that the company leads) which was an overview of Royal London and the most famous parts of the city. We saw Big Ben, Parliament, Westminster Abbey, the Jewel House, famous schools, St. James's Palace, Piccadilly Circus, Leicester Square, Trafalgar Square, Admiralty Arch, Buckingham Palace, and the changing of the guard. Our tour guide was a tiny but powerful little woman with a big, British voice. We really liked listening to her informative, funny stories which gave lots of background insight that we would have otherwise missed. Our tour ended in Trafalgar Square, where Sam and I saw another Pret restaurant. We thought, heck, we already know we like it and that it's cheap, so we decided to grab lunch there again. And, again, it was delicious, and it gave us some time to figure out what we wanted to do next. We decided to head to Abbey Road for some photos of the famous Beatles crosswalk near their recording studio. We got some pictures, and then we added our own message to the wall outside the recording studio. After several road-crossings, we finally headed back to our B&B. After some down time and getting ready to go, we ate dinner at The Stockpot, a "cheap but cheerful" London restaurant in Picadilly. Then, we got our will call tickets at Gielgud Theatre for our show that night, Hair. The show was amazing - very interactive (the actors came out to the audience many times, even rubbing on our heads and hair a couple times). That night we roamed around downtown for a little bit, not wanting to leave except for our tired feet! I wish we had had more time to go another night to see another show. . . it really was spectacular.

On our last full day in London, we woke up to spend some more time in Westminster Abbey after yet another delicious breakfast at the B&B. Westminster was cool because of all the famous people buried inside - from kings and queens to famous minds like Chaucer, Newton, and Dickens (just to name a few). My favorite part was seeing the irony of Charles Darwin's tomb inside this holy church. Next we went to another part of London where we explored the home of Dr. Samuel Johnson's home - much to my husband's excitement. Dr. Johnson was a famous lexicographer, the man who wrote the first English dictionary. We took some fun pictures, and then went to the well-known pub nearby where Dickens and Johnson often frequented. Sam got a bitter beer here, and then we went to lunch - where else other than another Pret, which happened to be conveniently located next door to the pub, Ye Old Chesire Cheese. 3 days in a row, we enjoyed this cheap, nutritious chain - we hear there are Pret's being established throughout the US - already in New York and DC, on its way to Chicago, and maybe headed here if we're lucky! Anyway, that afternoon we took a much needed amazing nap before going out for our last dinner in London, an Italian place near our hotel. We got some gelato after that and then spent the rest of the evening relaxing and packing up.

The next day, we ate our last breakfast at the B&B before checking out and heading to the airport. Our tube ride took an hour to get to Heathrow, but that was only the beginning of a LONG day of traveling. We even had one more lunch at Pret at the airport! Our flight went to Boston, then we had a flight home after that - overall, more than 12 hours in the air alone.

Our trip was amazing - full of sightseeing, new experiences, and loving each other. We find it hard to believe that it got here so slowly and passed by so quickly and that we've already been home for almost 2 weeks. It will be a long time before we get to go away for 2 weeks straight, but we hope it will be sooner than later. We also have so many memories from our trip that will last us a lifetime. My favorite part of our trip was knowing that I got to come home and spend even more time with Sam - that we still have our lives to spend with each other and that our honeymoon doesn't ever really have to "end."

Here are some more pictures from the second part of our trip:

Honeymoon: Part 1

Two weeks have come and gone so quickly, and now it's time to write about what an amazing trip we had! I figured I'd write about one week at a time to give each week the attention and detail that it deserves! It's going to be difficult to write about because my purpose of the blog is not so much to provide a window into my life but rather to provide a commentary on marriage, family, and relationships. So, while I describe our amazing time on the honeymoon, I will try to outline some more meaningful insight along the way.

I'll begin with the packing process. Oh, men and women, how different we are! I started packing a week before we left, which - in my world - was procrastinating! Sam had no interest in gathering his belongings until the night before our trip. I tested out luggage, wondering which would be less cumbersome, which would hold more clothing, etc. Again, Sam didn't really get involved in this process. I planned out what I thought I would want to wear each day, which shoes would be best with that "outfit," when I'd straighten my hair, how much of each soap, shampoo, lotion, etc. I'd need, and how we'd keep our things together while out and about in each port or city. I went shopping for the little travel-sized everything: band-aids, ponchos, hand sanitizer wipes, Tylenol, contact solution, you name it. I printed off maps and itineraries, and I even made little signs for pictures to help us remember where we'd been. Sam poked fun here and there, but mostly I think he was glad that we had what we had once on the trip. Of course, all of these items were packed and put in luggage long before Sam had given any thought to what he was taking with him. Guys are just so different - willing to rewear dirty clothes, to put the same pair of shoes with any given concoction of clothing, dressy or not. I practically planned to wear (at least) 2 different outfits each day, and Sam did not have any understanding of why I needed to do that.

The day after Sam finished his "packing," we were ready to head to the airport first thing in the morning. Our flights went well, and we were ready to board the cruise ship in Barcelona so many hours later! We had a nice day at sea the first day, then we were in Naples, Italy on the second day. We had decided to do an excursion through the cruise line: Hiking Mt. Vesuvius and Exploring Pompeii. This was by far our favorite day of the vacation. What an amazing experience! We learned a lot about the volcano and the ruins; we also learned not to be afraid of this intimidating experience, as we had previously been a little worried about it. Both of us did great. We also marveled at the fact that Sam was hiking one of the most dangerous volcanoes in Europe only 2 weeks after bleeding out of his ears in an ER due to a scary accident.

After Naples, we woke up in Civitavechia, a port right outside of Rome. Now, this was an incredible day, but one in which I started to feel like we were in the movie Just Married with Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy. Our day started off great: train ride into Rome, Vatican Museum, Colosseum. Then, we had to make some game-time decisions to figure out how we wanted to spend our short time in Rome. He wanted to see the Roman Forum & the Pantheon. . . so did I. I just also wanted to see Trevi Fountain, the Spanish Steps, eat lunch and enjoy some gelato, and get back to St. Peter's Square before we had to get back on the train to the ship. The thing is I knew this day was going to be the most hectic because we had so many places to see in such a short time on our own. We also had to figure out how to get to these places quickly and without spending a lot of money. I had been researching and planning (for the entire honeymoon) for months. I really tried my best to plan this day, and obviously, I had to be flexible when plans either didn't pan out, or when it just wasn't what I thought it was going to be. What also bugged me was when Sam decided that he would start trying to figure things out THAT DAY: not my idea of helpful when I'd asked him long before to help me. Given that Trevi and Spanish steps wouldn't take as long, we opted for these sights - but getting there on foot took a lot of time and energy. We talked it out, figured out our way, and managed to make the most of our time - even though we may have started to do so in a frustrated, short-tempered way. Low blood sugar and tired feet do not make me happy, so I'm sure I wasn't the easiest to hang out with that mid-day. Luckily, we came upon the Trevi Fountain in about the time I desperately needed some pizza to make me happy! Roman pizza and gelato was yummy!! A quick visit to the (disappointing-to-Sam) Spanish Steps, and then we were headed back on the metro to St. Peter's Square. St. Peter's Basilica was well worth the time - absolutely beautiful. . . pictures and video do not do it any form of justice. Of course, I wanted a lot more time here, but Sam was keeping a close watch on the time and nudged me along to get out of the church all too soon. Oh, and then, there was the navigation back to the train station. . . if you could have been a fly following us! "Where are you going!?" Sam shouts to me as I cross a street without him. "The station is this way!" I demand. "No, it's not. You're going the wrong way!" he responds. "It's this way!" I say. We both look at our map, dumbfounded. I finally suggest that we ask for directions - a novel idea! Of course, that's not an option to my husband, so he insists that we follow his path. I go with it, knowing we could have gone the direction I originally wanted. I thought it would be kind of "funny" to watch him eat his words and miss the train back to the ship because he was too smart to ask anyone for directions. Luckily, we did find the station - either of our paths would have been right - and we made it with PLENTY of time (enough to have stayed in St. Peter's Basilica a little longer!), but the mere frustration of arguing over our timing and the best route to the station was somewhat reminiscent of Just Married. No one held a grudge, though, and we were headed back to the ship for a nice evening together.

The following day, we woke up in Livorno, a port outside of Florence. After a drive through the countryside of Tuscany, we spent all day in Florence on an excursion that introduced us to Accademia Museum (where David is - absolutely beautiful!), Duomo, Ponte Vecchio, Signoria Square, Santa Croce Church, and an amazingly delicious Florentine lunch. We had a great time in Florence! The lunch and David were our favorites. While in Florence, right before lunch, we had some time to shop and explore on our own. . . this is the only part of the day I regret because we bought some prints from a street vendor and got completely taken advantage of. He was GOOD at what he did, and before we knew it, we had bought 2 prints even though I only wanted one, and later we saw him and his "friends" hiding their prints from the police. As the police would wander down the street, someone would alert the vendors, and they would sweep up their widely-spread prints in about 3 seconds flat. As soon as the police would pass, they would lay out their prints as if nothing had happened. Oh, that just ticked me off and I kept getting annoyed about it - not just the fact that we had bought from this guy but that we had bought impulsively and got "taken." It was our one buying mistake, but at least it was only one - so I got over it... kinda... it still gets to me a little!

The following day, we were in Villafranche, a port near Nice, France. We opted for a Monaco/Monte Carlo excursion and spent the morning in beautiful, quiet, safe, clean Monaco. We loved it there! I really could have stayed longer shopping at the souvenir shops here because no one haggled with you, no one tried to sell you anything, no one bombarded you when you entered a little shop. . . it was very peaceful. Again, Sam kept nudging me to hurry up so we could get a good spot in front of the Prince's Palace to see the changing of the guards. I told him to go on and that I would meet him there (I was literally on the 2-seconds away outskirts of the palace courtyard). So, a few minutes later, I met him there with plenty of time to spare - in the empty courtyard! No one really cared about the changing of the guards, so we had lots of space to record it, photograph it, and watch with only a couple other people nearby. Monte Carlo was also nice - but kind of overrated. . . just lots of rich people with rich shops along the way.

June 26th was my birthday, and we awoke overlooking Toulon, France. We decided not to get off the ship on that day. We needed a day to soak in some sun, to let our feet rest, to just be together, and to celebrate ME! :) We ate at Johnny Rocket's on the ship, we read and sat on the top deck looking out over France and the Mediterranean. Sam surprised me with half-a-dozen red roses waiting on our dining room table, the waiters sang to me, we saw a great evening farewell show, and I got a card from Sam and a surprise one from my mom early that morning. It was a great birthday! I was a little emotional, too, that evening - just knowing the cruise was over, our honeymoon was, therefore, half-way over. I love cruising, and I highly recommend it to anyone, but at the end, I get a little sad to leave - just having to go back to reality. Luckily, we still had another 6 days left together in Europe, so I focused on that!

Part 2 coming soon!

Here are a few pictures from the first week of our honeymoon:

Stress.Less.

Yesterday afternoon, I participated in a professional development course for counselors called Wellness Seminar. I really thought it was going to be a class about teaching wellness and healthy habits and ways of thinking to clients/students. Although I can certainly use these skills in the classroom for guidance lessons and with individuals - and definitely teachers at my school, I was wrong about the main purpose of the class. Apparently, counselors need to learn how to stress less themselves; go figure! ;) This class could not have come at a better time, as Sam and I had discussed this very topic just the night before.

From previous blog posts, you are probably familiar with how my mind is constantly full of to-do lists, of worries and concerns, of fears and anxieties, of checklists and rosters. I have come to learn that my mind is unique to Sam's, but it is not much different than other women's minds. This seminar I enrolled in helped me to see this. I actually LOVED the class and wanted more time in it - that's a first! I usually hate professional development classes and find them to be a complete waste of everyone's time! This one was selfishly brilliant. We discussed the causes of stress, the different types of it, and the effects of prolonged exposure to it. It was a great reminder, too, of the need we (all people - but counselors especially) have to take care of ourselves and not be burdened by the stress and hardships of others. It was a wonderful reminder to slow down, smell the roses (or at least look at them!), and breathe without taking on the "verbal vomit" others might throw at us as counselors. (The speaker's words, not mine!)

At the beginning of the class, the speaker had each of us take a paper plate to write down all of the things in our lives that are our responsibilities - both professional and personal. Oh, the flood gates opened!!! Before I tell you what was on my plate, let me ask you to think about what would be written on yours. Go ahead - think about it before reading on....

Well, my list included: mortgage payments, dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, writing thank you notes, getting wedding, shower, and birthday gifts, guidance lessons, Red Ribbon Week, ARDs/504s/CSIs, referrals to REACH and to Special Ed., planning a shower and a bachelorette party, returning emails, driving safely, paying bills, getting the mail, grocery shopping, grooming, car maintenance, helping Mom, picking up the kids, cooking meals, peer mediation, sixth grade registration, TAKS, benchmarks, honeymoon planning, running groups and meeting with individual kids, Career Day, restraining kids when needed, managing the money, weight management, doctor visits, professional development courses, LPC credits and license renewal, planning evenings with friends, going to the pharmacy/refilling prescriptions, Instructional Leadership Team, dry cleaning, reminding Sam of all the things he won't remember, house maintenance, ... and the list goes on. It felt so good to get all of that out on the plate - something visual to really digest.

The speaker went on to discuss how to manage stress and take care of ourselves: spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually. She went in to each area with great care and depth. But, this post is designed more as a discussion about what stresses me and what does NOT stress Sam.

Our conversation the night before this class centered around the financial and physical obligations that are now presented to us since Sam's car accident. We now have to get a new car (nice, but expensive). Our car insurance premiums will go up (not sure how much). We have to return the car rental without a new car yet - so we will have to share a car for a while (which we can manage especially in the summer). We will have to decide which car we want (totally manageable, but I'm not the best decision maker!). And, in the meantime, we're waiting on the insurance company to get back to us on how to pay the medical bills and the towing expenses. All of this will be taken care of, but the unknowns bother me - and I hate not knowing answers on my own timeline. Of course I'm so relieved, amazed, awed, and extremely grateful that Sam is okay, that we will get to go on our honeymoon, that we will continue to have our life together -but it's also time to look at how the accident will affect us financially and physically until we figure out all the details. Some jerk hit Sam and ran - leaving our world completely off kilter for a while. Thankfully, we won't have to worry about anything medical for too much longer (a couple ENT bills and a big hospital bill), but our insurance and our new car payment will be affected for a long while...not to mention our emotional state which has been shaken and disturbed by the a$$h@le that hit and ran.

Getting back to our conversation, what really upset me is that I seemed to be the one that was most stressed about these things. When talking to Sam, I realized that he also thinks about all these things, but he doesn't "stress" over them. What I needed to know was that it was on his mind... otherwise, I feel like I'm taking it on all by myself. He agreed to start at least voicing these concerns to make me feel better - that I wasn't the only one worrying about these things.

When I was writing on my plate in class, I wondered what Sam would have included on his plate. I shared mine with him at dinner last night, and he admitted that he would have way fewer things on his plate. He laughed at "Remind Sam of all the things he won't remember." I was worried he would be offended by that, but (as discussed with the rabbi during our pre-marital counseling) we both know he forgets his to-do list. He gives himself his own due dates and time lines, but he still cannot manage to remember them without a few nudges from me . . . to send that thank-you note, to pick up that medicine, to call that travel agent, to change that filter, to send that wedding gift, to call that doctor, etc. Some of these things I feel like I could do on my own, but what is marriage if not a partnership to spread the responsibilities and get the job done BECAUSE the other person asked you to? I know I would resent it if I made ALL the calls, ran ALL the errands, did ALL the cleaning. I'll probably post something another time on this male/female division of responsibility that seems too unbalanced in most households. If you have any comments, in the meantime, feel free to share what your division is like.

The truth is, we are still very new at this marriage thing, and we haven't quite ironed out the roles we are each willing to play. I'll tell you one thing, though; I am NOT willing to be the only one doing these things, and more importantly, I'm NOT willing to accept that women just do more in the house than men do. We are a partnership, a companionship of give-and-take of push-and-pull in order to move through this life with as much togetherness as possible. The rabbi once told Sam that I was treating him like an adult by asking when he could accomplish certain tasks so he gave himself his own due date; he mentioned that what he was hearing me say was that I didn't want to be a nag, so out of love and respect for me, Sam should meet those deadlines he assigned himself so I won't have to keep "reminding" him to do the given task. Needless to say, we are still working on this! Sam is more than willing to help out and contribute, and we do a pretty good job balancing most things. I just feel like I am always the one more stressed out about them. I'm definitely the control freak in this marriage!

The speaker ended our class yesterday with a final request: look at our plate, and if our name was not on our list, we should add it. Hmmms and Ahhhs filled the room as the counselors recognized that we had left ourselves off of our own plates. We are our own responsibilities to take care of, and we cannot forget that! If it helps me stress less to tell Sam what's on my plate and for him to share what's on his, then we should do it. So, in the next few weeks, you'll find two circular dry-erase boards on our refrigerator. Each of us will start keeping a plate on the fridge to let the other know what is on his/her mind and what he/she has going on that day or week. It's just one more way to communicate what we need to take care of and to help keep the balance - and to stress less.

Back in the Saddle

Sooner or later, after a scary experience, you have to get back in the saddle and move on. It's not easy, but it must be done. You can't live your life in fear, you can't live your life full of worry - avoiding everything that frightens you. Sam and I made a conscious decision after his accident to move forward as quickly as possible while allowing ourselves to feel the fear and cry about the scary thought of losing one another.

Since last Thursday's nightmarish miracle, we have had a lot of alone time to celebrate life and what horrible things did NOT happen. We have talked a lot about what could have happened: the airbag could have come out and burned Sam, there could have been a tree or bridge, there could have been more people involved, he could have lost a limb, an ear, his sight or his hearing, he could have bled out in his head, he could have been paralyzed or unable to process new information. It's truly remarkably amazing when you stop and think about the human body and all the things that could have gone awry in that one second of someone else's poor judgment and poor driving skills. Our lives could have been completely changed. It's hard to think of all the things that could be different; it's hard to type them out or say them to one another. But, at least confronting what could have been helps move on to understanding the reality of the situation and how scary his accident really is.

Every day we've cried together, tearing up as we tell each other we love each other. Each day, we also make progress in moving towards "normalcy." On Thursday, he came home. Friday, we got him back to moving around and getting in a car again. Saturday, we went to run one errand, and when we got back into the neighborhood, I asked Sam to be the driver. On Sunday, he wanted to be the driver. And by Monday, he was ready to go to work part-time. That morning was hard for me, we both felt like I was the mother who didn't want her son to go to the first day of Kindergarten. I knew I'd miss him, and I was terrified to let him go back into the real world where there are so many uncertainties. I felt like our little secluded life in our safe nest had to once again be opened up to the dangerous, unpredictable world. To wean ourselves, we both went to the car rental shop together, and then Sam followed me to my work, where he stayed with me for about an hour before heading out on his own. He still hasn't traveled the road that ended the life of his Ford Explorer Sport, but he's making big progress. I know it's hard for him. It's hard for me.

We can't make this situation into a tragedy. We can just move forward carefully and with great caution - with a strong sense of reality that our easy, comfortable life could be taken from us in a split-second. I know I will quickly return to my "normal" thinking (ha!), when I don't constantly worry and fear the unknown or the emergency phone calls from all sides of my family. I certainly hope I will return to that soon - being scared and anxious is not a way to live. But, I hope that the lessons learned will stay with us for a really long time! I think we'll learn to pick our battles a little more wisely (not that we had a problem with this before, but it will certainly make me think twice before getting pissed about something minor!), be a little more respectful when we're agitated or upset, kiss each other a little longer, and tell each other we love each other a little more often (if that's possible...I think we'd make some people sick!).

Today, while really examining Sam's wedding band, he realized that it was very slightly scratched. I am not surprised it got a tiny bit damaged given the nature of the car accident and the scrapes, cuts, and gashes in his wrists and hands. It kinda sucks given he's only had the ring for 9 months (as of yesterday!!!), but it is symbolic that our marriage will stand the bumpy, rocky tests. Dents, scratches, nicks, scrapes, and bumps will happen along the way, but our marriage will always hold - like the continued connectedness of the damaged ring. Even though I'm annoyed and would like to replace the ring or get it fixed, maybe it will be a good reminder of this accident - a reminder to stop and smell the roses, to treasure every day we have together, to love each other and our marriage with all its perfect imperfections.

This is just a story we'll have to tell now, a lesson we've learned from, a miracle to be thankful for. And, we'll take it along on our journey together. But, we'll also move on and keep living the life we love living together. Again, here's to Sam, to God, to whatever it is that's greater than us for allowing us to keep living!

A Terrifying Miracle

Not even a month into our marriage, I wrote this blog, where in the middle I said, "My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him .... I'm terrified that forever will be too short. My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together." And, this past Thursday night, we had a reminder of this fear.

It was the last day of the school year, and the staff party was underway. After sitting outside for quite a while, I came in to check my cell phone. Seeing that Sam hadn't called and that there were no missed calls or messages, I went about continuing to visit with my coworkers. I was enjoying my time, but about 20 minutes after checking my phone, I decided I was ready to head home. As a friend of mine (Emily) and I were heading out after saying our goodbyes, I noticed I had literally JUST missed a call from my brother. My phone listed a long list of missed calls at this point - various numbers I did not know, one from Sam's sister, my mom, his mom, my brother, etc. It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. Putting it all together as I hit the "talk" button to call my brother back, I knew it was Sam, and I knew he had been in an accident. I had that eerie feeling when you know this is going to be bad as my brother said, "Where are you?" I said, "What happened? What's going on?" in a very serious, short voice. "Where are you?" he continued. I told him where I was, and he said, "Sammy's been in an accident." Trembling and trying not to puke, I looked for a place to sit while I listened to the details that he knew of at that point. People were beeping in, and when the number of the person whom I didn't know called in, I took the call and listened carefully as Donna (a bystander) told me what was happening on the highway where Sam had been hit.

She told me he was in and out of consciousness but he knew my name and phone number. She told me that 3 witnesses had confirmed that a car had clipped Sam's car, sending his Ford Explorer Sport flipping 3 times. She told me that the paramedics were on their way, but they weren't there yet. As I frantically thanked her, again trying not to throw up, I sat on the bench outside the staff party wondering what the hell to do next. Emily said she would take me to my mom's house until we knew which hospital Sam would be taken to. As we got in her car, the paramedics called me - telling me that Sam was alert and talking, aware of my name and number, and he was asking he talk to me. The paramedics told me they were taking him to Parkland hospital, and that I should get there quickly but not to "fly" there.

Emily started driving to Parkland. I called my brother who was with Mom, and I tried to reach Sam's parents unsuccessfully. My brother called me back and told Emily to pull over, that he and Mom would come get me since they were leaving the house already and could get me there faster. It felt like an eternity before I finally saw them pulling towards me. During that time, I had the most frantic, frightening thoughts. Here's a little peak into my stream-of-consciousness: what's happening, where is he, is he okay, stay with me, Sammy!, don't leave me, I'm with you now!!, Dear God let him be okay, we're not done with our life yet!, we want kids, we want to be happy for so much longer, what about our life insurance, what about our health insurance, I can't even think about living life without him, I want to cuddle with him, I won't sleep without him next to me, will he be able to walk or talk, what about our honeymoon, we have plans this weekend!, will he ever practice law again?, what the hell is happening?!, what about his car?, whose fault was this, what was going through his mind, how scared must he be right now, no one will ever know me the way he knows me and no one will ever make me laugh like he does, my mother can't handle this right now, Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; Dear God please let him be okay; we only JUST had our wedding, what the hell is happening?!

There were SO many other thoughts, but that's just a glimpse. During the 100 mph drive down the Tollway, I continued to think and pray, pray and think. As I asked my brother to slow down, that I might puke, he said, "Amber, I'm trying to get you there." I asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me - to which he said no, that I was the one that talked to the paramedics. I still didn't believe him, though, as the last time I had been driven to Parkland Hospital in such a hurry was when my cousin was in critical condition; by the time we made it to the hospital on that night so many years ago, she was brain dead... so you can understand my fear and disbelief that I had the whole story; my brother probably had that same night running through his mind as he drove his little sister to meet her hurt husband at the same hospital. He asked what I was worried about as I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes trying not to throw up. I replied, "Every f*c^i#g thing you can think of!" It got quiet and Mom held my hand behind me. We hauled a$^ into the hospital, going through the back of the ER with my brother's resident badge. He told me to wait down the hallway, as he made his way to talk to the 10 or so doctors waiting outside Sam's room in the ER. It seemed like another eternity before he came back towards Mom and me - we were both ready to yell and scream and run down the hall, angry that no one was giving us any feedback. Seeing that many specialists did not feel reassuring. I continued to clasp my hands together - it was all I could control, the only thing I could do with myself to keep myself calm. It was in that very moment that I understood (in my opinion) why people pray with their hands together.

Finally, when my brother came back towards us, he said he's okay. He said he saw Sammy, and that Sam cried when he saw my brother. At some point, Sam's parents had come in to the ER as well. Seeing his mom and dad, I just began sobbing. I held his mom for a long time - just praying that he was okay. I knew Sam was alert and talking, but I didn't know the extent of the damage. My sister and Sam's sisters came soon after that. Then, the doctors called his parents and me back to his room to see him. He was bloody and bruising, and as I approached his bedside and went to gently kiss him, Sam wrinkled his face in a deep cry, happy to see us and very scared. He had a neck brace, and the doctors were about to wheel him out to get a CT scan after many X-rays he had already had. Through tears and broken speech, he said, "I love you. I love you so much."

I told him I loved him too, and I asked him to try to calm down as I stroked his forehead. A minute later, he was being taken out of the room for the scan. The doctor told us that if the CT scan came back okay, then they weren't too worried about him. I don't remember much else of what he said other than they were concerned about what looked like a fracture on his wrist. Faster than I thought, Sam was back in his room - and we were being told that the CT scan looked good - no bleeding in the brain. I asked the doctor if Sam had feeling everywhere, if he could stand, etc. They were not worried about paralysis at all.

Many doctors came in and out throughout the 6-7 hours we were there. They determined his wrist was not broken. They checked his ears which were bleeding, and they determined they were just swollen. He had a bleeding gash on the top of his head, and his knuckles and wrists were cut up. He had debris/glass all around his face - near his eyes and some even in his teeth. It wasn't pretty, but it was a lot better than it could have been! Sam continued to cry at times, telling me how much he loved me. We cried a lot that night. We smiled a lot that night, too - knowing how lucky we were. There's plenty more stories to tell about that scary night but the best one is that Sam lived! He even got to come home that night - around 2:00AM.

I'm sure I'll post more about many different parts of that night: how it felt to be the wife in this situation, sharing care and concern with Sam's parents, the kindness of complete strangers who called us that night and called 911, the fear I felt of losing him or of having a completely different life or lifestyle after the accident, the tender moments we have shared since Thursday night, the reminder of how we need to drive more carefully, the amazing friends and family that came up to the hospital that night just to be there for Sam (and me), whether we find the douche bag that hit Sam and ran, the reminder of how fragile life is and how it could change or be taken away from us in a literal second,etc. But, the best news is that Sam finally made it home that night without broken bones, without a scratch (okay, maybe a few tiny nicks) on his face, without any long-term damage. He has a concussion, and he has a hematoma (sp?) in his right ear. He has lots of bruising around his neck and pelvis - probably from the seat belt that saved his life. He has the gash on his head and the scratched up/scraped up hands/wrists. His watch broke, the car is totaled, we lost a garage door opener, and his clothing were cut off of him, but if that's all we sacrificed in exchange for his life and health, we are in great shape!!

After seeing the pictures of the car that he and his sister took yesterday, I'm positive that someone (God, an angel, his Zaide, my Grandma, ??) was looking out for him and keeping him alive. When he saw the car, he said, "How did I live?!" (You can watch the video I've uploaded to see for yourself just how scary this accident was and how horrible it could have been.) As Sam and I have continued to reflect on what each of our experiences were on Thursday night, as I nurse him to health and take care of the things he can't, as we spend quiet moments together and cry, we are reminded of how much we love each other and how much we want so much more time with each other. We're not done living this life yet! We're not ready to live without each other! We will have children we have yet to raise, we have places to see together throughout the world, we have family and friends we have yet to meet and play with, we have houses we have yet to live in, we have dreams we have not fulfilled yet. I have every intention of living a long, full life with my husband, and I'm so glad that someone else "up there" saw it the same way on Thursday. Dear God, thank you for not taking my Sam away from us.

Sam, I love you more than you could ever know. You are the most important man in my life, and I need you so much! Thank you for staying with us, for being healthy and okay, for fighting through all the fear and hurt, for loving me and liking me! I hope the scary sh#* never happens again - and may God (or whoever!) keep you safe and healthy always if it does! I love you!

Endings

In my world, May marks the end of many things. In some ways, it more of an ending to a year than December. For me, it's the end of a long school year - the most fun part of a cycle that I participate in each year. I really don't know what it's like for other people in other jobs, so maybe it's the same for others. But, I don't know anything different, as I've been in the school system since I was in preschool myself. You start in August/September, you look forward to Thanksgiving, count down to Winter Break, enjoy a couple weeks off, go back in January for the long spring semester just hoping to make it without losing your mind until Spring Break, and the final end is in sight by April with an exciting countdown in May. It's a predictable cycle - and each time of the year comes with highs and lows unlike any other time of year.

We all remember what this time of year was like when we were younger: getting ready to say goodbye to our friends for the summer, heading to something fun like summer camp or a family vacation, worrying about what the next grade level will be like, wondering if our teacher will remember us and all the fun times we had together, glad that all the hard work we put into that year had finally paid off, cleaning out the desk/locker, checking our books back in, getting to finally throw away the now-tattered-and-torn folders and supplies that were once so fresh and new months ago. . . Well, it's similar for the adults in the school: we're ready for kids to leave so we can clean up, we're ready to be done with grading and report cards and conferences, we look back on a job-well-done year and are anxious about the year to come, we're looking forward to the lazy days of stress-free summer nights with friends and family.

And, while all of this ending is happening, there are other endings that are a bit more superficial but worth mourning just a little: the television shows that helped us get through the year. I know, I'm being a bit petty with something so meaningless as television, but let's be honest - don't you just look forward to a great show at the end of a stressful work day? Don't you just make it through to the next week sometimes - only to see your favorite show and what will happen next? Well, I do. I love cuddling up with Sam on the couch to watch our favorite shows that take our minds off of work and anything else that stresses us out, and May marks the end of many of these favorites. Luckily, many of them will be back on in September, but for one show in particular, we will be lost without it once the final episode airs next week.

Lost is Sam's all-time favorite show. He will certainly be devastated next week when it's finally over. He has watched it from the beginning. Because I didn't want to get hooked on another show, I refused to watch it. Well, about 2 years ago, when Sam had moved in and was studying for the bar exam, I finally caved. I decided that while he was studying, I'd give the first season a shot, so we rented the DVDs of Season 1, and as I expected, I was totally into it. Season 3 tested my loyalty when I was completely annoyed at the story. I watched 3 seasons that summer, then I had to wait a few months before Season 4 was released. I watched Season 4 over Winter Break last year, and together we watched Season 5 as it aired last year. We rewatched every season again this past Winter Break when I was sick and prepared for the final season. The show has given us a lot to talk about as we try to unravel the plot and guess what might happen next. I'm glad I decided to watch it, but now I'm sad that our time with our "friends" is ending. We've gone on quite a journey with these people as we learned to like even the darkest, meanest characters.

It reminds me of when The Cosby Show and Friends ended. Even other great shows like Seinfeld, Sisters, Family Ties, ER, Growing Pains, Dawson's Creek, and Sex & the City - I remember their endings marking the end of some kind of "era." And now, another show has left its mark.

Another ending we're experiencing this week is the end of my sister-in-law's pregnancy. We're going to meet our nephew this week, and we are very excited. But, this particular ending marks the end of her first-born's time as an only child, as the only grandchild. For some reason, I get sad around the time a new baby is born. Even though it's the most amazing beginning, it's a time to reflect on what life without this person has been and how life will change when the baby is born. When my niece, Mara, was born, I remember her mother leaving my nephew, Caden, before she went to the hospital to give birth. She told Caden how much she loved him and how this new baby would never change how special Caden was to her. We cried a little, recognizing that this new baby would change Caden's life forever - she would change all of our lives. Well, I feel the same way about our nephew, Miles. This will be a new start for him, and he needs to know that we will all still love him just as much as ever. The new baby ends the time he has had without a little brother.

Sometimes, endings are to be celebrated and enjoyed. We embrace those endings. Sometimes, endings are sad and are a time for reflection. Some endings are bittersweet and we can't make up our minds how we feel about them. Sometimes we don't want the end to come because of what might be on the other side or the anxiety it may cause. But, endings are inevitable and life must go on - before it ends.

A Married Social Life

I know it's been a while since I last posted, but quite honestly, there's been nothing entirely new to write about. Our life has been more of the same - at least more of the same constant busy-ness: work, helping with nephews and niece, cooking for Mom, running errands, cleaning the house, working in the yard, weddings, baby showers, visits to Houston, bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal showers, giving gifts, keeping Mom company, celebrating Mother's Day, celebrating brother's birthday, catching up on our shows, working unpaid overtime hours, trying new recipes, grocery shopping, waiting for our nephew to be born, counting down til summer break, etc! So, there's really been nothing more to write about. . . until today.

So, we had a meeting at work today, where a few of us were gathered to try to plan an end-of-school year surprise for our students. While meeting, we discussed what dates we could meet together to finalize our plans. Looking at my calendar, I began to get overwhelmed by the busy work schedule, the family obligations, and the social commitments. Work is coming to a slow halt soon - but there's SO much to be done before the kids officially leave for summer break. Mom is doing great - but she has her difficult days/nights and can still need help with the house, the kids, the meals. Sam and I are constantly busy with friends, family, and trying to make time for each other. I started panicking a little just at the upcoming weeks, and I made a comment about this feeling. . . something like, "I'm just feeling overwhelmed at everything going on right now." I went on to talk about the social and familial calendar filling up and how others are probably feeling that way, too. A coworker joked with another coworker saying, "And YOU'RE married!" It is a tone that is hard to convey over a posting like this, but it seemed to imply that a married person wouldn't possibly be as busy as a non-married person. I don't think I was reading into it incorrectly, as a different coworker agreed with my interpretation.

It got me thinking, though. . . . well, doesn't EVERYTHING get me thinking?! Anyway, I started realizing that I am often overwhelmed by how my social life increased by leaps and bounds since I got married. It's somewhat naive to think that a person who gets married will "settle down" when, in fact, things have really "picked up" since "I do." Well... before that really, but you get the point.

Since Sam and I started living together, we had a LOT more friends to spend our time with: mine AND his. We have three different sides of the family now: Mom's, Dad's, and Sam's. I not only get invited to MY friends' weddings, showers, parties, but I get invited to HIS friends' weddings, showers, parties. If I get invited to a Bar Mitzvah - that means SAM gets invited to a Bar Mitzvah. We are an "us" now - we have OUR friends and family - which at the very least doubled the events in which we each participate.

Don't get me wrong! I LOVE our friends and family and every second we spend with them all! Time flies by so quickly, though, and before we know it - weeks have flown by and we have had no time to ourselves. We're helping Mom, we're taking care of the kids, we're at a Couple's Night, we're at a shower, we're spending weekends apart helping different friends celebrate different events, we're cooking dinner with the family, we're getting ready for a high school graduation, and so on. Again - NOT COMPLAINING! I'm just trying to make the point that for someone to think that being married means I've "settled down," is beyond misinformed.

I remember when Sam moved home and we had 3 big events in one weekend. I remember saying to him, "Our lives just got way busier!" I loved having so many functions and parties. I loved spending time with friends and family so often and in different venues. It's just a lot - especially for someone who savors alone time - time to rejuvenate and just reflect on life either alone or just with Sam. When my life continues to be so busy, I do tend to get overwhelmed - needing time alone to gather my thoughts. I can't forget that I'm an individual - an individual who needs "me" time, or at least some kind of down time.

So, in closing, I guess my point is that I've learned yet another societal misconception. The world has it wrong when married people are thought of as having slowed down or settled down. Married life is booming with social interaction. Always, I feel fortunate. Most often, it's fun and entertaining. Sometimes, it's overwhelming. Yet, never, would I want it any other way.

On the Need to Redefine the Wife Stereotype Part 2

Last night, I posted a social commentary about the wife stereotype. After he read it, my male cousin emailed me a response to my post, and with his permission, I'm going to copy and paste what he sent to me. I love his response, and I love the discussion that has been sparked. So, happy reading, from Brennan to you! :)

"I've been reading and enjoying your blog and thought I'd comment on your latest post regarding the wife stereotype. I didn't post this in the comments section as wasn't sure how much space I would have. You are free to quote me, though, if you find anything enlightening (or offensive, for that matter). This email, I hope, will serve more as an explanation than a rationalization.

As you and Sam seem to have a very open and healthy relationship, I can understand your frustration at being stereotyped as a shrew and Sam being seen as the hen-pecked husband. I think when people make these types of comments, they are really projecting their own frustrations about the perceived imbalance of power in their own relationships. In my opinion, what it all boils down to is sex, or the lack thereof. This may be an oversimplification, but it's not a coincidence that in these situations the word "whipped" is often preceded by a slang term for the female anatomy.

Now allow me to paint in some very broad strokes as I don the hat of amateur anthropologist. For century after century for ages and ages, the relationship between a husband and wife had remained mostly the same. The man has had the power, both physically and sexually. (Again, broad strokes. I'm sure there are many instances throughout history to contradict me). Conflict was often resolved with violence towards the wife, and sex was carried out with little regard for a woman's wants, desires, or sexual satisfaction. Sadly, this still remains the case in many parts of the world, but luckily most "civilized" countries have evolved and are continuing to do so. I am not arguing, however, that it doesn't still happen to our neighbors, family, friends, etc., but simply that it is far less acceptable when it does.

As women have made strides in voting equality, workplace equality, etc., they have also been able to reclaim their sexuality. No longer is sex only about procreation or a man's enjoyment. No longer must a woman simply submit as part of her wifely duties. Again, a very good thing. What is a source of frustration for many men, however, is how sex, or rather the withholding of it, is now used as a tool for conflict resolution. And this is a tactic that most men don't really have the will power to use (nor do I think it would really do us much good). Now, I'm certainly not saying that all women do this, but many do, whether they have made a conscious decision to or not. And many men avoid conflict and submit to their wives to get sex, whether doing so knowingly or subconsciously. Thus begins a cycle of anger and bitterness. Neither violence nor withholding intimacy are valid means of conflict resolution in a healthy relationship, but one of those options has become acceptable to many people even though both wreak havoc on a relationship.

So what to do to stop the stereotype of the shrewish wife? Well, men in healthy, loving, intimate relationships should probably stop making the jokes (and probably stop laughing when the jokes are told.) Sure, it's an easy punchline and gets a good laugh, but if you're in a happy relationship, then what's the point? Appreciate your wife and be grateful for what you have. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? If women want to change this perception, however, it calls for some introspection. Wives (and husbands, too) need to examine their relationships and be aware of any inequalities that may be present, and then determine how to make their spouse feel more like a partner and less like an employee. Now, as for single folks like me, I'll continue to make all the jokes I want. Or at least until I'm married..."