On the Need to Redefine the Wife Stereotype

Okay, people, it's that time again: I have something on my mind, and it's a little political. If you've kept up with my blog posts in the past, you know that sometimes I can get a little heated about certain topics, and I am not shy about voicing my opinions in this space (or anywhere, really). So, here's what's been ticking me off lately.

I became someone's wife a little over 6 months ago. During this time, I've had a blast as Sam and I navigated life as a legally married couple. . . changing insurance information, joining our bank accounts, learning to put each others' names first on emergency contacts, always checking in with the other about financial decisions, consulting each other on medical issues, etc. We've gotten really good at all of this, and it's been a very fun ride thus far. However, it has not taken long at all for us (yes, US) to recognize the stereotype that wives have. It's as if I went from the dedicated, devoted, sexy girlfriend/fiance title to the nagging, fun-spoiling, frustrating old wife immediately after the rabbi said we could kiss each other under the chuppah. Sam has noticed this too, and the stereotype people seem to have about me (even if they don't know me) continues to resurface. I'll give you a few examples:

• Sam and I (both) made a great meal the other night. It happened to be a turkey meatloaf that a friend of ours had introduced us to. When Sam took some left-overs for lunch the next day at work, he got grief from his co-workers who ordered pizza that day. Apparently, they think I MADE him eat the meatloaf. Embarrassing for him already, because it's "meatloaf" for starters (a dish I, myself, feel is a little nerdy just because of the All-American stereotype that comes from that word in and of itself!), but the fact that he didn't waste the food and stuck to his "better eating routine" is somehow my responsibility. Sam did stand up for me and himself by stating that eating the meatloaf was his decision - not mine! It was evident from his perspective, though, that the insinuation was that I was behind the whole meatloaf-eating situation. I wouldn't mind taking the "blame" for his good eating habits and avoidance of the pizza, but I wouldn't have cared if he dumped the meatloaf for the pizza or saved it for another day. For some reason, though, his coworkers assumed I was the one "making" him eat meatloaf. I mean, who really cares?
• Earlier this evening, my brother was dropping me off at home and asked what we had planned for the night. I told him we needed to clean the house a little bit. When Sam opened the door for me, my brother yelled from the car to Sam, "Hey! Wanna go to the Mavs game tonight?" Sam looked at me, and I told him that would be fine if he wanted to go. Deciding not to take my brother up on the offer, Sam said no. I suppose my brother assumed I had told Sam not to go when Sam looked at me, so my mature brother replied to Sam with a "Wha-puuuush!" and a whip motion. Again, insinuating that Sam couldn't go do what he wanted because of me - he's "whipped."
• In making future plans for the week, Sam told someone that he could only meet for a specific time period, and that if their meeting ran longer, he'd have to leave because "he told his wife he would be home by then." I can already hear the jokes being made because of that one little comment, as if I'm sitting at home with a whip ready to beat him for not coming home the minute he said he would be home.

There are several instances where I know I've been the "blame" of some decision - the need to go home, the need to talk to "the wife" first, the need to please me - but, I feel like I'm one of the most easy-going wives out there! Sam agrees with me actually, so where does this "wife sucks" stereotype come from? For starters, let's look at the idioms in our ever-so-colorful language. Expressions and euphemisms that have to do with wives include: "ball and chain," "old lady," "battleship," "old axe." I don't know about you, but I hate those expressions. True, a husband can also be referred to as "old man," but for some reason, there seems to not be as much negative connotation with that word "husband."

Think about it. Which sounds more positive - "boyfriend" or "husband?" Which sounds more positive - "girlfriend" or "wife?" In MY opinion, we give the word "husband" more prestige - a man who has actually gathered the nerve and the money to ask a woman to be with him forever must be a pretty mature, responsible, secure man. Alternatively, "wife" has less prestige and honor - the image it seems so many people have is one of holding a man back, of constantly nagging her husband, of keeping him from eating the things he wants to eat, of always thinking rationally and not having any kind of fun. When I was "Sam's girlfriend," I was fun, exciting - not a drag or a drain. Now that I'm "Sam's wife," I'm boring, rule-bound, and serious.

According to the definition listed on the IdiomSite.com website, a "ball and chain has come to mean wife. Originating from the presumption that a man's wife has held him down, thus keeping him from doing the things he really wanted to do in life." It's interesting to me, though, considering that Sam is the one who often uses me as his excuse - he just has an easy out, now. Say a man needs to think about whether or not to buy something from a salesperson, "I'll have to check with my wife," he says. Or, say a friend wants to meet for drinks but the husband is too tired, "Oh, man, I wish I could, but my wife's waiting for me at home." Or, even if he really does want to eat better, but he's afraid of social punishment from friends and coworkers, he can just blame the wife, "Yeah, I promised my wife I'd stick to this eating plan." Honestly, I don't mind that Sam could use me as an excuse; I'm glad he'll do what HE wants to do. If I can be that for him, great . . . but, if all men went around saying these things about their wives as if we run their lives, then that's what we wives become... "balls and chains!" When will that sterotype end, then?

Maybe some wives are nagging and annoying. I'm not one of those, and I know a lot of my friends are also pretty cool wives. Just because a woman gets married doesn't mean she automatically starts to fit the stereotype that our society has for wives. Similarly, people seem to have preconceived ideas about attorneys. Sam has learned that he's going to be made fun of for eternity for being a an attorney. People have this idea about attorneys that keep surfacing for Sam: the money, the schooling, the work load, the lying, the prestige, the smarts, etc. He's noticed it's similar for me when people learn we're married . . . there's this underlying assumption that I'm the more romantic one, that I'm the needier one, that I'm the nagger, that I'm the one with all the rules, etc.

For the record, since a ring has been placed on my finger, I have not changed at all. I want people to know that just because I said, "I do," doesn't mean I became an "old lady" or a "ball and chain" or any other weird wife expression. I simply became legally married to Sam. I don't mandate what he eats, what he wears (although I'd like to!), what he spends, where he can go, who he visits, where he travels, etc. And, he doesn't oversee any of this for me. We want to share our lives together, and we want to have input on how we each spend our lives, but that doesn't mean either one of us wants to dictate how a person lives. There is mutual respect, love, admiration, and support for each other - not nagging or hounding or whipping, for goodness sake! There's sharing, discussing, and compromising - not threatening, complaining, or lie-detecting. So, for all of you wives out there, tell your husbands to help stop this negative wife stereotype. Let's redefine wife-hood - we are sexy, independent, free, supportive, nurturing individuals who have men that want to stand by us, with us, and for us!