On the Need to Redefine the Wife Stereotype Part 2

Last night, I posted a social commentary about the wife stereotype. After he read it, my male cousin emailed me a response to my post, and with his permission, I'm going to copy and paste what he sent to me. I love his response, and I love the discussion that has been sparked. So, happy reading, from Brennan to you! :)

"I've been reading and enjoying your blog and thought I'd comment on your latest post regarding the wife stereotype. I didn't post this in the comments section as wasn't sure how much space I would have. You are free to quote me, though, if you find anything enlightening (or offensive, for that matter). This email, I hope, will serve more as an explanation than a rationalization.

As you and Sam seem to have a very open and healthy relationship, I can understand your frustration at being stereotyped as a shrew and Sam being seen as the hen-pecked husband. I think when people make these types of comments, they are really projecting their own frustrations about the perceived imbalance of power in their own relationships. In my opinion, what it all boils down to is sex, or the lack thereof. This may be an oversimplification, but it's not a coincidence that in these situations the word "whipped" is often preceded by a slang term for the female anatomy.

Now allow me to paint in some very broad strokes as I don the hat of amateur anthropologist. For century after century for ages and ages, the relationship between a husband and wife had remained mostly the same. The man has had the power, both physically and sexually. (Again, broad strokes. I'm sure there are many instances throughout history to contradict me). Conflict was often resolved with violence towards the wife, and sex was carried out with little regard for a woman's wants, desires, or sexual satisfaction. Sadly, this still remains the case in many parts of the world, but luckily most "civilized" countries have evolved and are continuing to do so. I am not arguing, however, that it doesn't still happen to our neighbors, family, friends, etc., but simply that it is far less acceptable when it does.

As women have made strides in voting equality, workplace equality, etc., they have also been able to reclaim their sexuality. No longer is sex only about procreation or a man's enjoyment. No longer must a woman simply submit as part of her wifely duties. Again, a very good thing. What is a source of frustration for many men, however, is how sex, or rather the withholding of it, is now used as a tool for conflict resolution. And this is a tactic that most men don't really have the will power to use (nor do I think it would really do us much good). Now, I'm certainly not saying that all women do this, but many do, whether they have made a conscious decision to or not. And many men avoid conflict and submit to their wives to get sex, whether doing so knowingly or subconsciously. Thus begins a cycle of anger and bitterness. Neither violence nor withholding intimacy are valid means of conflict resolution in a healthy relationship, but one of those options has become acceptable to many people even though both wreak havoc on a relationship.

So what to do to stop the stereotype of the shrewish wife? Well, men in healthy, loving, intimate relationships should probably stop making the jokes (and probably stop laughing when the jokes are told.) Sure, it's an easy punchline and gets a good laugh, but if you're in a happy relationship, then what's the point? Appreciate your wife and be grateful for what you have. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? If women want to change this perception, however, it calls for some introspection. Wives (and husbands, too) need to examine their relationships and be aware of any inequalities that may be present, and then determine how to make their spouse feel more like a partner and less like an employee. Now, as for single folks like me, I'll continue to make all the jokes I want. Or at least until I'm married..."