Just Like Everyone Else (?)

Given the nature of the second-most commonly asked question after a recent marriage (see blog entitled "So, When Are Ya'll Planning on Having Kids?"), I've recently had several conversations with close friends and family about the possibilities of responses to the question. Mostly, though, the questions and conversations have given rise to discussions regarding how children will change my life forever. Not only will I be responsible for a new life (or new lives, if we have more than one child), but it will change my relationship, the way I live my life, my career, my friendships, my sleeping patterns, my future entirely.

That sounds really harsh and over-the-top, but it's realistic. My mom says it's negative, but I just want to make sure that the thought of the excitement and jubilation of having a new life growing inside me is not without major forethought (A LOT of forethought!) and planning. Sam and I both need to really examine the ways in which a baby will change so many things. It's really scary when you think about it this way, but the topics of conversation lately have been about whether I will stop working to raise a child as a stay-at-home mom, when we should start "trying" or at least stop preventing, when it would be ideal to get pregnant, whether or not I need to enroll in short-term disability at work to be my maternity leave one day, whether we make enough money to raise a child, who would take care of our child if I did NOT stop working, how will our marriage change once we have kids, etc. I think it's good to talk about these things, and kinda fun too - but kinda frightening at the same time. It just makes me worried.

Why worried? Well, we've all seen those sitcoms, comedians, talk shows, books, and movies that poke fun at marriage, relationships, in-laws, home, children, etc. Everyone laughs because everyone understands. Everyone feels the same or can relate in some way. It's humorous because it's true, very true. The Newlywed Show, as old as it is, reminds us that couples inevitably all go through the same cycles, the same issues, or the same feelings. We laugh at the couple calling each other names, or getting themselves in trouble with the other partner. The idiosyncrasies of marriage become a joke to all and child-rearing stories are laughable because we can all identify with the common experiences.

So, again, why worried? Because, even though it's nice to know that we all go through the same things, I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to know that my marriage is different, that Sam and I will never get sick of each other, that we won't stop treating each other with respect, that my in-laws won't annoy me, that I won't become resentful of Sam's busy working schedule, that I won't feel taken advantage of when I'm the one doing the cooking and cleaning, that I won't be the one to do all the planning and errand-running. But, like all marriages that we poke fun of on those talk shows or that comedians love to point out to us, we're all alike. Our children will be a new stress; they could?/will? get in the way of our sex life; we won't go out with friends they way we do now; the in-laws will piss me off; the house will become a mess; we will have to work hard(er) to have time for each other and make our marriage work so we don't resent each other for anything; I will have to choose my job or my kids - or at least get used to doing a half-ass job on both; I will miss my days of sleeping in and having time to myself. . . the list goes on and on of how having kids will change our lives.

It's inevitable that I will become like everyone else. And, even though Mom thinks I am being so negative about the possibilities of the blessings of a child, I would like to look at the bright side. . . at least I'll be in great company. So, if we're all going to have a common experience and have others we can go to - to talk about all of these problems and complaints - then why NOT have kids? Why not suck it all up and enjoy the love and affection I can give to and get from kids? Why not bite the bullet and just hold on to the roller coaster that is life? I'm having a hard time with the idea that my life could become just like the ordinary jokes heard around the world. . . but, as long as we all end up there together, I'll come to terms with this idea and get ready for the thought of being a parent, get ready for the idea of changing my life forever - so that I can have what I've really always ever wanted! It's so exciting to think about, and again, I just want to make sure I get over any fears before embracing what I really, truly want - a family. So, within the next year or so, I will be coming to terms with this idea. We definitely don't even want to think about getting pregnant until after our honeymoon - another 7 months away - but in the meantime, I'll be coping and overcoming fears so that when the time comes, I can buckle up calmly, ready for the ride, and ready to be as excited as ever!

What I've Learned Along the Way: A Shout Out to Cherie!

One of my best friends recently got engaged and has started planning her wedding. I started thinking about what I would tell her about the whole wedding planning process. I had started thinking about what I learned from the whole event, and this is an incomplete list of what I came up with so far:

• I've learned that people should RSVP as soon as they know if they can attend an event or not. It doesn't matter if the person knows you are attending already; it's the speed in which you respond that lets the hosts know how excited you are to attend.

• I've learned why it's rude to ask if you can bring a date.


• I've learned that the wedding is the least important part of the marriage; but, I think I already knew that - it was simply reinforced.


• I've learned that no ones opinion matters but mine and Sam's.


• I've learned that good friends are really good to have!


• I've learned that let-downs are inevitable.

• I've learned that the bride will always be busier than the groom. . . no matter what.

• I've learned that most brides really don't like the wedding planning process unless they have an unlimited source of funds. I've also learned from other brides (and most definitely myself) that most girls DON'T grow up with their weddings perfectly planned or even imagined. They really have no idea what they want. And, I've learned that when you go to a meeting with a vendor or planner, they all look to the bride to decide. And, if you don't know, you feel like a complete moron loser.

• I've learned that your wedding guest list ends up being a reflection of life: most of it you wouldn't change even if you could, but there's always a few regrets. There are people you don't care to be around, but out of obligation, good taste, and in the name of family, you just have to suck it up!
  

• I've learned that you can be as prepared and organized as you possibly can be; inevitably, something will get lost, stolen, taken, misplaced, or out of order. Something will go wrong. Something will be out of your control.
  


• I've learned that registering for gifts is just as difficult as I thought it would be. It's hard to tell people what to buy you! I'm still not comfortable with this idea.


• I've learned that showers are awkward as everyone stares at you, opening gifts you asked for on your registry, but it's also really fun! I learned it's much more fun than I thought! Who would have thought that opening a tortilla warmer or banana hammock would be so exciting?!


• I've learned that most people are way too attached to tradition.

• I've learned that you can't please everyone even if you try.
  

• I've learned that (most) people are always trying to just do the best they can. A non-invitation is not an intentional crime.


• I've learned that vendors are evil and will milk you for all you're worth!


• I've learned that Sam and I love music so much that making a set list/play list was way harder than it needed to have been! So many choices!


• I've learned Sam needs a deadline in order to get anything accomplished, especially as a favor to/for me.


• I've learned that sometimes no response is the best response...unless it's an RSVP for goodness sake!
  

• I've learned that writing thank you notes is the biggest pain in the ass, but it really isn't that difficult and it goes a long way. I also learned the sooner you do them, the better!

• I've learned to ask for what I want and not be intimidated by a vendor or a wedding planner's opinion when you really know what you want. Even if they tell you it's not a good idea, trust your instinct and your own heart, and stand up for what you want.

• I've learned that no matter how much you plan and rest, you will still be mentally and physically exhausted after the long wedding day. . . but that's not an excuse to forgo an intimate wedding night! ;) Don't have any regrets!
  


• I've learned that some things are just not worth my investing of any energy, time, or worry.

• I've learned that people have way too many opinions about whether or not to change your last name. On this topic, I've learned most people live in the dark about how times have changed. I've learned that people are way too judgmental about something that doesn't affect them at all. So, just do what you can live with, do what makes you feel right, do what makes sense to you and your partner.
  

• I've learned that married life is so much better than engaged life, but it's something you just have to go through to know it's right, to know it will last, to know you're doing a good thing and that your love will stand stress and hard times, and it might be even stronger for it all.
  

Cher, HAPPY ENGAGEMENT!! I'm so happy for you and J-man. I hope you have a smooth, exciting, fun engagement, but I hope you marriage is even better! I love you! :)

Europe, Here We Come!

It's official! We WILL have a honeymoon after all! We're headed to Europe in June, which I hope will be here before I know it, but I have a feeling it will take too long! All we know at this point is the flight itinerary and the Mediterranean cruise we will be taking. We'll see such cities as Rome, Florence, Barcelona, Marseilles, Pisa, and a few other towns along the way. We'll spend some time in Barcelona and in London as long as we're there in Europe, but let me tell you how hard it has been to make these plans! Even deciding how we want to spend the time we have in each city is still in the works! There are so many amazing places to see and so many things we want to do in each place. . . but let's be honest, money these days is hard to find, hard to save, and hard to spend in the best way! Not knowing exactly how much it will cost is driving me crazy. . . a lot crazier than it's driving Sam who seems to think we'll be just fine and can do whatever we want. Nice thought, but I'd like to be able to pay the mortgage and eat a little something when we get home after the big trip! All these stressful feelings for what is supposed to be the happiest, most relaxing time of the wedding/marriage celebration. I suppose that's why Sam looked at me across the breakfast table on Sunday and said, "I wonder what it's like to be in your brain. I bet if I looked in there, I'd see a gazillion intertwined gears moving this way and that." He went on to describe his brain as a table and a chair and maybe one gear. I think he totally nailed it - my brain just spins and weaves and turns and thinks. There is ALWAYS something on my mind; at any given moment, I could name one item after another that was occupying my thoughts. He seems to be mesmerized by this while feeling sorry for me at the same time!

So, anyway, back the honeymoon planning . . .

I think the main problem is: how much will the accommodations really cost after tipping and taxing (oh, shit, another "plus, plus!"); how much will transportation cost; how much will each venue/museum/excursion/day trip cost; how much will each meal cost? So many things to think about before knowing we can get there and back and still be able to afford a loaf of bread and maybe a quart of milk after the fact! So, with all this stressing me out, we went to the local book store to purchase some books on the cities we will stay in after the cruise. (We bought the books only after realizing that the local library was not open on Sundays and I just couldn't wait to find out more, couldn't wait to plan, and my stress level was way high, and the Internet only made my head hurt more. . . so, why not spend money on a book that will help me not spend money in Europe?! Nice logic, huh!?)

From Frommer's to the Dummies books, we looked them all up and down. It was hard to finally make a selection, but we did, and I spent all Sunday night (yes, during the football watching!) making notes and reading up on local accommodations, amenities, tipping norms, customs, metro maps, sightseeing, top 10s, menus, common expressions in the native language, and safety of each city we intend to see. I've never been so immersed in wanting to know the history and heritage of lands so far from here - lands I have been taught about as a kid but never seeing the need to know or understand and, therefore, not retaining any information. I know I'll come back from these cities with a ton of cultural experience and wonderful memories, but right now, time is on my hands and I can take advantage of learning about each city to make the trip all the better and more interesting/exciting.

So, for the next 6 months or so, I'll be reading up on Europe and the Mediterranean countries that I once did an in-depth report about in the 6th grade. Cypress, Malta, Greece, Italy, Portugal, Spain . . . I wish I could remember more about you all! I'll take my new assignment on with new dedication and determination so when I visit some of you, I'll be all the more excited to see you! And, I suppose at the same time, I'll remember that this is my honeymoon and spend time relaxing with Sam just being away and in the world together - learning and exploring and. . . dare I say . . . relaxing and trying not to think!

Monthiversary Number 2

(Bear with me; I have no idea if this blog makes sense!)

A Friday evening approaches, and all day I've been reminded of the date - two month-anniversary, what Sam and I call our "monthiversary." It's crazy that it's been 2 months since the wedding date. Why crazy? Because, well, honestly - I can't believe it's been ONLY 2 months. It feels like forever ago! No, not because Sam is impossible to live with or so boring that time drags. I believe it feels that way because when planning the wedding, it seemed like time was flying too fast to plan and get things done. Then, all of a sudden, the wedding happened, I'm married, and it's over. So, time has crept by since then. My friend got married 2 weeks ago, and it feels longer ago than that, too. So, it's not just MY wedding that feels like that. I think mainly it's because you plan and plan for a long time, a time that flies too fast to accomplish everything you wanted to in that time period. Then, it's said and done, over and finished. I think this is because once it's over, you miss it and want it back. That day and night passed way too quickly, and when you compare that speed to everything else, it just seems like everything else/every other day is way too slow! It's like driving my 4Runner and then getting in Sam's dad's truck; I thought my car was tall until I got in the truck and realized how "squatty" my SUV is. Time flew by for a year and especially on our wedding day, yet now I realize, in reality, how time does not fly by that fast.

I miss my wedding everyday and wish I had the chance to do it all again (minus the money and the "plus, plus!"). I guess another reason time seems to pass so slowly is waiting for the honeymoon that we delayed. Or, waiting for the school year to pass so I can enjoy more time as a wife. Or, waiting for time to pass before we have children. Or, waiting for the years to pass to see what the future holds - if we move out of this house, if we get a new car, if Sam gets a new job, if we can afford our lifestyle, etc. I feel like there's so much I'm waiting for still and it's not coming fast enough. Hence the reason I blogged earlier about our generation's "need" to rush into everything. Why do I need to know NOW? Why do I need time to pass so quickly? Why can't we all just enjoy the here & now without worry or concern for the future? Why can't I just be in the moment?

Which is why I think I love my weekends. . .

I LOVE THE WEEKEND! More than the fact that I get to sleep in (and this is saying a LOT!), I love being able to spend time with Sam. I feel like each weekend is waiting for us to be able to spend time together, to reconnect, to hibernate from the world - back together with no cares except each other. Which, of course, only makes Sundays harder than ever - to go back to reality and let work interfere with my personal life once more. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, I love my job and the people I work with. But, I love my husband more! I love our time together - the coziness of cuddling up together, the talks, the tasks accomplished, the time with friends. I may not have loved working the past 2 months or the wedding-related errands and the aftermath, but I have absolutely loved every weekend, every evening, and every moment that Sam and I get to spend together. So, HAPPY 2 MONTHIVERSARY, SAM!! I LOVE YOU!

"So, When Are Ya'll Planning on Having Kids?"

Ah, yes. The next most commonly asked question only a few weeks after the big wedding date revolves around the big question of procreation. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you know that the first most likely question to receive after getting married is "So, How's Married Life?" This question is shortly followed by, "So, when do you think you'll have kids?" I love how predictable this topic is. I suppose I asked the same question to my cousins and brother who all married long ago. I'm sure I asked my best friend when she got married. And, it really is a very normal question. Obviously, the wedding is over and that was a really big event. What's the next most obvious big event? Having kids and raising a family.

It's just so interesting to me, though. Everyone (the couple, included) always wants something big to happen. Typical & acceptable schedules of events go something like this: you date someone for a while and soon after, the question is, "When are you getting engaged? When's he gonna ask you to marry him?" You get engaged, and the first question (other than how did he ask you?) is "So, when's the big day?/ Do you have a date set yet?" You get married and the big question is, "When are you gonna have kids?" You have a kid, and the next question is, "Will you have more kids?" It seems like everyone's always moving on to the next task, the next stage, the next big event and not enjoying just what IS.

If you want to have kids right away, that's fine - it's great if that's what you want. I'm just saying that you should do everything on your own time as a couple. There's no rush to have children because everyone's questions to you center around the next expected step. What about people who don't want to have kids? What about couples having a hard time getting pregnant? What about people who want to travel and enjoy life childless for a long time before trying to start a family? I just hope that people who ask these questions consider these possibilities. There seems to be so much controversy, so much judgment, so much assumption that goes with this question. Imagine a couple truly trying to get pregnant, and every other question they get from friends and family is, "So, when are you going to have kids?" How obnoxious and frustrating and defeating it would be to continuously have to hear this question - regardless of if you're hiding the fact that you're trying or if you have to explain your situation to someone. Imagine a couple who just loves to travel, go skiing or cruising or sightseeing and plain just not wanting to have to deal with little ones (either finding a sitter or having the kids tag along). If every other question this couple gets is about when they are going to have kids, how annoying. There also seems to be some imaginary threshold of time that the couple passes and everyone assumes they must be having trouble getting pregnant. "I bet they're having problems. It's been (insert whatever number of years you think a couple should have had kids by here) ____ years, and she's still not pregnant."

In my opinion, a baby should be a well-thought-out plan & not an expectation a couple feels is just the next step. A couple should be physically ready, medically prepared, emotionally stable, maritally cohesive, and financially fit to have a baby. I know this sounds so judgmental, and I'm really not trying to be. It's just a topic that I'm sure many people just tolerate without much discussion. I'm just asking that we think about what we're asking couples when we put this expectation of children on them soon after a major life-change. One step at a time, I say. Okay, I'll quote Jordin Sparks' latest hit: "One step at a time. There's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly or falling in love. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen." Hopefully, "it" will happen when the couple wants and not on anyone else's timeline of expectation.

For me, personally, Sam and I are not trying to get pregnant. In fact, we're hoping NOT to get pregnant until at least after our honeymoon this summer. Why this is anyone's business, I don't know. But, I'm not opposed to talking about it or sharing with anyone what our plan is. We're hoping to start "not preventing" soon after our trip in June. At times, I feel so ready to start my family - especially when my friends are having babies and enjoying the new lives they've brought into the world. But, other times, the whole idea of giving up my personal freedom and my alone time with Sam is frightening. I know I'm not ready for kids. Interestingly, I know I'm ready for an infant, but I'm not ready for what comes too quickly after - a toddler, a preschooler, a school-aged child, a teenager. The next stages are the hardest, so I know I'm just not ready. I may or may not be by next summer, and that's okay to not even know yet. I'll blog another time about our plans, but for now, for Sam & me, the answer to the second most commonly asked question is: "Later."

Happiness Leading Up to Halloween

Since my last blog entry, there has been quite the excitement within our circle of friends. Last Tuesday night, one of my best friends had her second baby, a boy, and another best friend got engaged. . . all in the same evening. Sam and I have been so excited for these big events, and we were thrilled to be given such happy news. We cannot wait to meet little Asher in a few weeks, and we can't wait to hear more details about Cherie & Jed's wedding plans!

In addition, this week we were planning our first party since the wedding. We were excited to finally entertain and have people over while being able to decorate the house, cook, and use some of our new gifts! We spent Friday evening and Saturday morning planning and preparing, cooking and cleaning, and getting our costumes ready for Halloween. We were dressed as workers from the Dharma intiative, from the TV show Lost. I let Sam decide what we were going to dress up as this year. He just loves Halloween. He went all out in the yard, decorating with newly bought items, and then feeling let down that Halloween is only one night and we have to take down the decor today! Halloween, for me, is just another sign that my favorite holiday (Thanksgiving) is right around the corner. Only three weeks until TG break and then Turkey Day is here! I love the weather, I love the festivities, and I love the family time and company (and of course, the food!) of the holiday season! So, because of that, I'm learning to love Halloween even more!

Here are a few pictures from our Halloween party:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! :)

Already Complete

My step-sister and her husband were married over a year ago. At their wedding, the officiant wrote the most amazing words prior to their vows. She also quoted Kalil Gibran, the great Sufi poet and philosopher, who articulated some thoughts on marriage that Sam and I found to be so meaningful and the way we envision marriage, as well:

Then he spoke again and said, And What of Marriage master?

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

She went on to say: "We are subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) taught by society that there is something outside of ourselves that we must bring into our lives – and THAT will make us truly happy. We work and accomplish and strive for a better job, a better car, a better body, a better house… And we search for love. We believe that if someone loves us, then we must be OK. And so we picture a perfect partner, the perfect relationship. There may be some here tonight who look at the two of you and see what is happening as the goal of life. To find the perfect mate! To find my better “half”! . . .But the problem with this sort of thinking is that when we strive to find someone to complete us, because we feel inadequate alone, what can come in the aftermath is a relationship built on dependence, and the wrong kind. And while relationships are an extraordinary gift, the capacity for wholeness exists in each of us, all the time.

And so it becomes clear, to those who have the courage to see, that the path to understanding love is the path inward. It is only the journey within that brings about the fullness, richness and completeness that many of us look for - without. To accept and love oneself - with all our imperfections and idiosyncrasies, our past mistakes and failures, our fears and our weaknesses, our imperfect bodies and our imperfect choices - this is truly the ultimate act of love. And when two people - who have each - individually - come to know who they are, and have accepted themselves in their beautiful, imperfect entirety - stumble across each other’s paths, and choose to walk in the same direction, then the world can be changed. Love, for such as these, will not become a crutch, but rather a greater extension of an already understood freedom. It will not become a cage, but rather a safe place after a long day of flying. Before us stand two people who understand this, because they have had the courage to honor their own personal journeys and - in doing so - deeply understand that they are enough, who and as they are, right now.

And so there is no desire for completion today. Rather, today is a celebration of two people’s freedom becoming magnified. Today is a celebration of two people who are living their own personal truth. Today is a celebration of partnership in its most authentic form. And so, we are all honored to be in the rare presence of true love."

I've been holding on to these words, this speech and sermon given at her wedding. I was holding on to it and would look at it and reread it when I was "freaking out" about the "oneness" everyone speaks of when discussing marriage. My father believes that his wife is part of him, and without her he doesn't seem to exist and vice versa. While this sounds very romantic, it's very disturbing to me. I like who I am. I like who Sam is. I like us individually, and I like us as a couple. But never would I imagine that we are the same or that he is me or that I am him or that I cannot exist without him. My father's point-of-view worries me. It worries me that people may see marriage as a unifying of a couple into a one-ness or a joining of two people into one. My step-sister's wedding sermon spoke to me in a way that made me see marriage as the "bringing together of" two people - two separate people who will remain separate but just want to share their experiences with one another. It was less frightening and overwhelming that way. . . I could still be my own unique person. It was empowering and enlightening and, quite honestly, refreshing! I just wanted to share it with more people as they go through the journey to the knot.

Waiting, Still?

I don't remember doing this in high school. I don't remember even keeping a calendar or planner or any kind. But, when I went away to college, I started keeping track of time in a whole new way. I began using a desk calendar (that I actually hung on the wall) with exam dates, paper due dates, and most importantly, when I would be going home to visit Sam OR when Sam was coming to Austin to visit me. I counted down the days, I wished I could speed things along, I couldn't wait to cross off the dates.

That's when "wishing away the days" started. I used to X out the dates with a certain sense of excitement or joy with each passing day. I also hated that I was living my life wishing days away, wishing life would just pass by more quickly. I remember crossing off days to be finished living in a certain apartment I couldn't stand or crossing off days until I was home with my family or crossing off days until the next break or vacation. Then, I finished college, moved home, and started a job. I would come home from work and cross days off the calendar feeling like I couldn't wait until the end of the semester or the end of the school year. Then, I counted down days until the wedding - even over summer break! Still wishing the days away, wishing it was time for it to be here already!

And now, finally in a place where I'm settled - loving my job, loving my family, being in the city I love, and married to the man I love - I'm finally in a place where I thought I'd be able to stop wishing away the days. But, no - with every passing day now, I still feel a sense of joy crossing each day off the calendar. Why? Because, I just CAN'T WAIT TO GO ON OUR HONEYMOON!!

Four's a Crowd, But I Will Miss the Company

Tonight was fairly uneventful. Sam got home late from work, I got to hang out with my niece and nephew at my mom's house. I started organizing some of the wedding pictures. I watched TV and ate some left-overs from last night just waiting for Sam to get home. He got home and mowed, we cuddled and discussed our day, and then my sister and her boyfriend came home. Then, the night became more eventful.

I knew it was coming. We had talked about it for a long time now, at least all summer if not long before. The lease has been signed for about 2 weeks now, and they started slowly moving things. But, tonight marks the first night that my little sister will sleep in her own place. She's officially moved out (minus the few odds and ends that she'll come back for in the next few days). She and her boyfriend moved the bed out, the dressers, the TV, and most of her essential toiletries (which is a LOT, if you know K!).

K has been my roommate for 27 years if you start from day 1. But, as adults, we've lived together for over 5 years. We had our own apartment for 2.5 years, and then she stayed with me when I bought my house 2.5 years ago. She has always been welcome to stay, but when Sam and I got engaged, we all knew it was time to start thinking about how we would move on from our current living situation. K and I both know it's best for Sam and I to have our own space to develop our own new family. We also know it's best for her and her boyfriend to have their own space and time to develop their relationship. It's just really hard to say goodbye after so many years together - knowing we'll never live together again (unless we're really old and have outlived everyone, probably plucking each other's eyebrows and wiping the other's tush!). It's hard to say goodbye to any roommate. I've said goodbye to Leah, Jessica, Laura, and Robyn...knowing we'd all remember those crazy college days and miss each other and the memories we created. Imagine 5 years of those memories - MORE if you count the other 22 years before moving out of Mom's house. It's just plain hard.

In May, K's boyfriend (E) moved in with us, too. He had come home from college and, since he had always stayed with us during vacation/breaks, he just naturally moved in and became the fourth resident of this house. We had nights of Cranium, laughing hysterically at & with each other. We would play Rock Band or Newlywed Game or watch movies together. So, I'll miss those times.

Don't misunderstand - I'm SO excited to have the house to just me and my husband. Sam and I have been waiting to have our own space. But, we'll miss those times with K and E. We had all begun to have our own routines, systems, ways of doing things. It was confusing at times, frustrating at times, crowded at times. Yet, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

K was beyond helpful in the past year, helping my mom and me plan the big wedding weekend, organizing showers and parties, and just being there for me to vent to or cry with. This summer, she was the most outstanding maid-of-honor I could have asked for. She's put herself through school, worked, studied, helped take care of our niece and nephew, and worked some more at night. There were nights (many!) that I never even saw her - because she was overwhelmed with late nights at work or out at class for longer than I could stay up to see her. We cooked for each other, shopped for the house or bought groceries together, cleaned together, and paid bills together. What a truly bonding experience I'm so glad I got to share with my sister.

I know K and E will learn so much about each other on their own. They'll grow in their relationship, and it this is a good move. But, K. . . I want you to know how much I love you, how much I'll miss you, and how I would not have changed a thing about our room mate situation (okay, maybe I'd clean up a little more, but I wouldn't be me if i weren't a little messy!). I wish you the best with your move as you set up your own home with your own personality. I still want to have those Cranium nights, and we'll still cuddle up on the couch watching our Thursday and Sunday night shows. You've been the best roommate, the best friend, the best sister. I love you so much and miss you already. (Sam has ratified this post - as he lays next to me crying --- NO, I'm the one crying, not him! We both love you and can't wait to see your new place!) Mazel Tov on your new home, and happy house-warming, Kiki!

Nothing to Fear?

When Sam and I were just dating. . . yet well-aware we were headed towards forever. . . I had lots of worries, lots of fear, lots of commitment issues. None of those fears had anything to do with Sam, per se. It was more the fear of starting my future and hoping for the best when many members of my family had gone through the worst crisis - divorce, betrayal, infidelity, money issues, just to name a few. How could I be any different than them? How would I avoid the messes they had found themselves in (by no choice of their own, I might add!)? How could Sam and I make it, even with the best intentions, through the challenges and struggles of life and stay on the same page as a happily married couple raising a family? These were my concerns... my big, big fears that kept me telling Sam to hold off on thinking more seriously, to hold off on moving in, to hold off on proposing. It actually made my stomach turn just thinking of him asking me to marry him. I remember LAST June ('08), a dear friend of mine got engaged, and while I was thrilled for her, it threw me into crisis over my future with Sam and what fate had in store. I was really worried about what this fear might mean. Sam and I had numerous conversations and even some therapy sessions to help me through it all. I knew he was who I wanted; I wanted a future family with him; I wanted him with me by my side. So, why the fear?

Well, to fast forward through some of the events that helped me through. . . Sam knew just not to talk to me about the potential future, not to mention when the ring would make it's way to my finger, not to focus on the inevitable wedding planning and nuptials. He even told me, "I'm not going to tell you anything, and I'm not going to talk about it. I know you'll be fine when it all happens, you're just anxious." He was right. Once that question was popped and the ring was settled quite nicely on my finger, I was "in it!" A few times throughout the year of planning, I stopped to ask myself if this is really what I want - marriage, family, Sam. And, I think all the anxiety is completely normal given my family history. Other than that, I was so ready and so excited. But, I never lost sight of what the wedding meant - we were always focused on the marriage.

I have heard many of my married friends talk about how they had questioned their decision to marry AFTER their wedding. They woke up the next morning and panicked. They freaked out when they got home from the wedding weekend. They spent the next few months wondering if they'd made a mistake. NONE of that has happened to me. . . okay, the morning after, I DID wake up and say to myself, "Holy shit! I'm married!" But, that was the extent of it. I was so comfortable in this new role as a wife. And, although it's only been 2 and a half weeks, I've never felt like I made a mistake - I firmly believe I did the right thing. The wedding was more of an anxiety producer than the idea of marriage, honestly. If anything, people have been saying, "Marriage really suits you!" as they complement how happy and beautiful I seem to look (their words, not mine!). And, they're right, though. I feel like I'm glowing. I really could not be happier!

However, just Sunday night, I had trouble sleeping. Yes, most Sundays are hard for me to sleep, but this particular sleepless night was full of terrible worries and fears yet again. My stomach didn't turn this time. This time, it was more of a "I can't stop thinking" kind of feeling. My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him or my family with him. I'm terrified that forever will be too short.

My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together. When I was little, I worried about things like fires, tornadoes, accidents, crimes against my family. . . all the things that could go wrong and how horribly depressed I would be if anything happened to my family members or if they ever suffered for any reason. Maybe it's because my parents were divorced, and I worried about the other parent when I wasn't with him/her to know what was happening, to know I was there to "protect" them or at least try to control what I could to stop anything from happening to them. I was the kid that came home from a fire safety lesson and wanted to map out and practice our escape plan with the whole family. I made my father buy an escape ladder for the second story window. I would have awful thoughts of any number of possibilities. I suppose now that I'm starting my own family, it should be slightly expected that my fears for my husband are just as great. Only this time, as an adult, I'm also terrified of getting older, getting sick, getting hurt, losing our youth, losing our early years.

I recognize I'm very young still, but I also realize time flies. I also remember my grandmother saying that she felt the same at 70-something as she did at 20-something. I have heard so many family members talk of their early newlywed days as if they were just yesterday. And, we all know how old we got so quickly, right?! Maybe some of these feelings were also brought on by my visit to the cemetery the week before my wedding - recognizing how short a life can be, remembering my grandparents' lives as a snapshot of time, or knowing one day my granddaughter will visit my grave. I'm not sure what brought it on. . . it's just on my mind and definitely scaring me a lot lately.

It's only natural to feel this way - to savor the time we have together and hope it lasts. I already miss the feeling of standing next to my husband in my wedding gown feeding him his cake. That flew by all too quickly. So, I want to cherish each day - hoping there are so many more to come, but being patient and taking each day one at a time. . . together.