"So, When Are Ya'll Planning on Having Kids?"

Ah, yes. The next most commonly asked question only a few weeks after the big wedding date revolves around the big question of procreation. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you know that the first most likely question to receive after getting married is "So, How's Married Life?" This question is shortly followed by, "So, when do you think you'll have kids?" I love how predictable this topic is. I suppose I asked the same question to my cousins and brother who all married long ago. I'm sure I asked my best friend when she got married. And, it really is a very normal question. Obviously, the wedding is over and that was a really big event. What's the next most obvious big event? Having kids and raising a family.

It's just so interesting to me, though. Everyone (the couple, included) always wants something big to happen. Typical & acceptable schedules of events go something like this: you date someone for a while and soon after, the question is, "When are you getting engaged? When's he gonna ask you to marry him?" You get engaged, and the first question (other than how did he ask you?) is "So, when's the big day?/ Do you have a date set yet?" You get married and the big question is, "When are you gonna have kids?" You have a kid, and the next question is, "Will you have more kids?" It seems like everyone's always moving on to the next task, the next stage, the next big event and not enjoying just what IS.

If you want to have kids right away, that's fine - it's great if that's what you want. I'm just saying that you should do everything on your own time as a couple. There's no rush to have children because everyone's questions to you center around the next expected step. What about people who don't want to have kids? What about couples having a hard time getting pregnant? What about people who want to travel and enjoy life childless for a long time before trying to start a family? I just hope that people who ask these questions consider these possibilities. There seems to be so much controversy, so much judgment, so much assumption that goes with this question. Imagine a couple truly trying to get pregnant, and every other question they get from friends and family is, "So, when are you going to have kids?" How obnoxious and frustrating and defeating it would be to continuously have to hear this question - regardless of if you're hiding the fact that you're trying or if you have to explain your situation to someone. Imagine a couple who just loves to travel, go skiing or cruising or sightseeing and plain just not wanting to have to deal with little ones (either finding a sitter or having the kids tag along). If every other question this couple gets is about when they are going to have kids, how annoying. There also seems to be some imaginary threshold of time that the couple passes and everyone assumes they must be having trouble getting pregnant. "I bet they're having problems. It's been (insert whatever number of years you think a couple should have had kids by here) ____ years, and she's still not pregnant."

In my opinion, a baby should be a well-thought-out plan & not an expectation a couple feels is just the next step. A couple should be physically ready, medically prepared, emotionally stable, maritally cohesive, and financially fit to have a baby. I know this sounds so judgmental, and I'm really not trying to be. It's just a topic that I'm sure many people just tolerate without much discussion. I'm just asking that we think about what we're asking couples when we put this expectation of children on them soon after a major life-change. One step at a time, I say. Okay, I'll quote Jordin Sparks' latest hit: "One step at a time. There's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly or falling in love. It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen." Hopefully, "it" will happen when the couple wants and not on anyone else's timeline of expectation.

For me, personally, Sam and I are not trying to get pregnant. In fact, we're hoping NOT to get pregnant until at least after our honeymoon this summer. Why this is anyone's business, I don't know. But, I'm not opposed to talking about it or sharing with anyone what our plan is. We're hoping to start "not preventing" soon after our trip in June. At times, I feel so ready to start my family - especially when my friends are having babies and enjoying the new lives they've brought into the world. But, other times, the whole idea of giving up my personal freedom and my alone time with Sam is frightening. I know I'm not ready for kids. Interestingly, I know I'm ready for an infant, but I'm not ready for what comes too quickly after - a toddler, a preschooler, a school-aged child, a teenager. The next stages are the hardest, so I know I'm just not ready. I may or may not be by next summer, and that's okay to not even know yet. I'll blog another time about our plans, but for now, for Sam & me, the answer to the second most commonly asked question is: "Later."