Happy First Birthday, Knox!!!

Dear Knox,
Happy BIRTHDAY!!!! My little love, we met one year ago today, and I can still vividly remember the first moment I saw you! The only baby I got to see come out of my body, of course I remember it so well and wish I could do that again and again! What a high that was, and by far one of the coolest moments of my entire life. Hard to believe a whole year has passed and how much you've grown, changed, endured, overcome, and celebrated with all of us!

As the past few weeks came to a close, I have been on "memory mode." I've been soaking in so much of you at this age and stage, just knowing that you are (most likely) our last baby. And, the time of you being a baby is quickly passing us by! Hitting this big birthday milestone is big, and all the personality that has come with turning ONE YEAR OLD is big, too! Oh I so want to bottle you up and freeze time so you just stay this happy, joyful, curious, innocent, and sweet! You are one smart cookie, and you are learning so much every day.

I've learned from being a mom to your big brothers that the details of your babyhood will slip away from my memory. The sights, smells, sounds of your infancy will soon be lost, so I want to take this opportunity to tell you about EVERYthing about you at ONE year old:

-You usually sleep in until about 7:00-7:15. You usually stand up and walk around your crib for a few minutes in your long sleep sack, looking more like a dress on you as it drags across the crib. You suck on your 3-4 pacies, or you throw them out of your crib, seeming to love the sound of the drop on the carpet. By the time you're ready to have us come get you, you are chatting sweetly with coos and "lalala"s while you stand at the rail patiently waiting for us to enter your dark room with a good morning, "Hi!!" You answer us back with a sweet, high-pitched "Hiiiiii!"

-You have your first bottle, usually draining it quickly while you try not to be distracted by Banner and Quinn jabbering away or debating with us about what they want for breakfast. Sometimes you like to just walk around and hold the bottle yourself, but inevitably, this ends poorly with formula dripping and streaming all over the floor. I still love to cuddle you on the couch while we snuggle up and watch BabyTV or Yo Gabba Gabba. You smell like sweet sugar. Your hair is fine and drapes your scalp with a smooth shine. Your hair is getting long and needs a cut, but I am not ready for that. Your sweet curls and tamed hair is not quite like your big brothers' hair was, so I'm curious to see what happens when we let it grow.

-You go to Grandma's twice a week, you stay with BeeBee once a week, and I'm with you on Mondays and Fridays. You don't mind any of this. You love all of your caretakers. You don't like Daddy or me to leave, but you are quick to be distracted and find something fun to do.

-Mostly, you enjoy just wandering around, seeing whatever is going on with everyone else. Your favorite activities are: taking all the empty containers out of the recycling bin in the pantry, getting into the cup/bowl drawer (even though we finally put a child-proof lock on it, if your brothers leave it open, you want in there!), pretending to do whatever your brothers are doing (like writing on the easel or play on a computer), dragging pieces of the doctor kit all over the house, try to reach the remotes, taking the folded laundry off the couch (a great motivator to actually put the laundry away!), playing chase and screaming when I'm about to "get you", and dancing!

-Banner and Quinn have been very into the Just Dance! app, and they love to watch bits and pieces of the Trolls movie. You do what they do. You laugh when they laugh. You clap when they clap.

-You sign "more" in your own way (touching an index finger to your other palm) which I JUST learned you did today when Grandma showed me. You sometimes sign "finished/all done" by shaking your hands over your tray.

-We think you might be cutting a new upper tooth... I'll look again tomorrow. You'll probably cut that one on the same day Banner loses his first tooth! (Gotta keep an even number of teeth in this house, huh?)

-Anytime anyone says "Good job!" you will clap. Anytime anyone says, "Where's Knox?" in that sing-song voice, you will start to play Peek-a-Boo with them. And sometimes you initiate the game, pulling a towel, burp cloth, or blanket over your face/head and popping out with a smile as we say, "Where'd you go?!" or "Peek-a-boo!!"

-You are also very into copying your brothers noises, especially raspberries or squeals.

-Along those same lines, we've noticed that you copy me when I blow on your food to cool it off. So, we took your lead and started teaching you how to blow out your candles. Once Quinn gets silly and starts blowing raspberries instead, you do the same - forget the lesson! We'll see how our efforts have paid off on Saturday at your party!!

-You love when I hum or sing in your ear. It often helps keep you quiet as we wait for a waiter to bring our food when you are fussy or anytime after 4:45pm when the witching hour starts and all you want is to be held until dinner time.

-Whenever you know someone is leaving, you start blowing the kisses and walking toward the door. You like to let them out the door, watch them get in their car, and then wave bye-bye as you shut the door slowly.

-You take two naps each day - one around 9:15 and another around 1:45. You sleep for anywhere between 1-2 hours. After each nap, you take a 5-7 ounce bottle.

-You usually eat a great lunch OR a great dinner - usually not both. You still LOVE chicken. You have tried egg and cheese this month, and you're not a fan of either one in isolation. But, you've had cheese other ways and love it (mac and cheese, grilled cheese). You also completely enjoy teething on apples and pears - which helps us keep you quiet for a bit while we finish a meal and you are fussy to get down. Once you see that pear or apple, you are delighted to slobber all over it in peace.

-Throughout the day, we hear various "words" which help us communicate with you. You reliably say "muuuh" for "more," "uuuh" for "up," "bahh" for "ball," and "heh" for "here" as you hand us something. BeeBee and Grandma are both working on having you say their names - which is pretty funny to see them get so excited at the two-syllable utterances that show you are trying! You know I'm Mama but aren't consistent at using my name. You definitely know Dada and call him by that name, but not very often.

-You are enjoying your big boy baths with your big brothers. My three men in a tub! You sit in the middle of Banner and Quinn in your little ring, and you're starting to really play with the boys more. As soon as it's time to get out, though, you immediately start waving to them and blowing kisses and saying "buh-bye."

-Then, after wrestling you on the changing pad and trying to keep you distracted with songs, toys, and anything else that keeps you from rolling off the changing table while I diaper, lotion, and pajama you...you and I get our special time together in the glider. You take your last bottle of the day, usually very well, around 7:15-7:30pm. It's quiet. We just hold each other as you drink, and I try to memorize that "suck/swallow/breathe" sound you make as you enjoy your bottle and the way you play with your paci in your fingers. We take a short break to turn off the light and turn on your projector, and you take the last ounce or so of your bottle before you let me know you are ready to sleep. You just want to cuddle. I sing "You are My Sunshine" a couple times, and sometimes, I cry. Mostly in the past couple weeks, as you approached this big birthday, tears will drip down as we just lock eyes and rock together, belly to belly. I gently massage your body, and you get still and your eyes get heavy. I whisper "I love you so much" in your ear, and I ask if you're ready to get in bed ... unless I think you'll fall asleep in my arms which has become more rare in the past month or so  - and then I savor those sweet moments! Then, I lift you into your crib, hand you the rest of your pacis, and you will "lay keppe" and soothe yourself to sleep quietly and peacefully.

Knox Morgan, with every step toward toddlerhood and boyhood, I have felt nostalgic for your infancy. While I'm thrilled to save money and not offer you formula any longer, the mere shift to whole milk is a sign that you are growing up. We bought our last jugs of formula last week and have been using up all the powder we have left, trying to "milk" (pardon the pun) every bit of it as long as we can. Soon, we'll drop one bottle at a time. You aren't needing me to rock you to sleep/nap anymore. We pretty much have to put shoes on you every time we leave the house now. You no longer only want to swing at the park; you want to slide down the slide and climb up it, too. We switched you out of your infant seat and into a convertible car seat just two weeks ago. You are exploring your world - opening cabinets and drawers and climbing up the coffee table and lounging on your own little chairs and reaching up onto counters and tables. You have made peace with not being a baby anymore. I will too, I promise, because ready or not, you woke up this morning a ONE-YEAR-OLD, and according to my weekly BabyCenter email, you officially switched from my "Baby" to my "Toddler." Geez... all overnight.

And, this morning, we celebrated your special day with balloons (a recent favorite) and bothersome big brothers bouncing around in your crib! You were all lit up with smiles and giggles - not afraid or minding at all! We took a few pictures after singing "Happy Birthday" and playing for a few minutes, and then it was time to go to Grandma's house because I had to scoot to work. Once I got home, we took your monthly photo in the recliner, and again, you got to play with your balloons against the backdrop of a crying Quinn and a frustrated Banner who didn't want to help Grandma and me capture your fun photos. But, this is your life. A loud, chaotic smorgasbord of noises and people and activity all around you, while you happily go about your own day. Those two older boys have been sugared up on post-Valentine's-Day candy, and they are wild and crazy with demands and requests and refusals. But, you... you, my little Baby Love, you are a happy-go-lucky little boy who just goes with the flow until it's close to nap or after 4:45pm, and then you simply want to be held.

This whole year, I've told everyone that, when you're (supposed to be) awake, you're awesome! You have the best personality and fit right in with our family. As you've gotten older, and you've learned to soothe yourself back to sleep and to sleep through the entire night without needing our help, you have gotten even more awesome. You seem to "get" us and the world around you. Today, you even came up to me while the boys were watching the "party mode" version of Trolls and wanted a "high five" when the movie said to high five. You are one very cool little boy, and I am so very lucky to be your mommy. Like always, today was full of smiles and laughter. I see such joy in your eyes, and I wish you a lifetime of that joy and happiness always!

I love you, my sweet Baby Love!
May you have many, many, many more happy birthdays!
Love,
Mommy

Your last picture before you turned ONE!

First night and last night of your first year

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KNOXIPOO!

Favorite First Year Memories: Knox

-Our last "meal" of Honey Bunches at 3:30am the day you were born. I wasn't allowed to eat anything much later than that but knew you and I would be SO hungry if I didn't get up and eat when I could! It was dark in the kitchen, and everyone else was asleep. It was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with you, and it was very special to me to have that "meal" with you.

-Watching you emerge into the world! You seemed to "carry" your umbilical cord like a purse over your shoulder. You immediately nuzzled and rooted when on me skin-to-skin. You kept trying to turn your head and the nurse wouldn't let you eat yet because she had to see your face and watch your coloring. You were one hungry and strong boy who could lift his head to pivot it around in search of food.

-Singing lullabies to you in the hospital room; you seemed to know the songs I was singing and drifted off when it was just me and you in the room, cuddled up together in bed. My favorite one was "Never Gonna Let You Down" which has always been "our" song.

-Introducing you to your big brothers

-Leaving the hospital and bringing your home to Darion; the big boys gave you a tour of your new house while I held back tears of joy and hormones!

-The "smile" you gave me with your eyes at 5 days old.

-Our first shower together.

-Although I was in a dark place during those early weeks and I hated midnight feedings, I set a playlist to play during those cold, exhausting, dim nights that helped me through it all. I would rock you back to sleep to the beat of the music before putting you back in the nest that you slept in in our bed between my head and Daddy's.

-Our first bath together (7/23/16, at 5 months old) when Banner and Quinn were spending the night out so Daddy and I could pack up our house. We were able to also spend some quality time with you, and this bath will forever be etched in my mind as I cradled you, looking into your bright, blue eyes, watching you float while I held you up. You were so relaxed with your body just swaying in my arms in the water. Daddy and I couldn't stop looking at you and I never wanted to get out of the tub!

-Your very first Halloween! You were my little GIRL! And later that night, you were R2D2. ;)

-The night we all watched The Wizard of Oz as a family. You were sitting on the floor in the top part of your highchair, and your big brothers were right behind you, and all of you were eating pizza. It was such a fun family night.

-Trying peanut butter. After a test patch on your upper arm showed you most likely didn't have an allergy, I let you lick some peanut butter off my pinky. You couldn't get enough!

-10 months old, standing near the kitchen while Daddy held you, you laid "keppe" on Daddy's shoulder with a big grin on your face as if you got what you wanted by him holding you. Such a sweet snuggle.

-Watching you dance with the big boys when they play Just Dance.

-Playing at Safari Run with you when we climbed through the play area together. I had the BEST time with you and your brothers while you crawled, Banner swung, and Quinn slithered through the tunnels together.

-Wearing you in the Maya Wrap. Love that thing and when my babies were small enough to fit in it!

-Rocking you in the hospital when you had RSV. I sang "Baby Mine" and cried that you had to go through all the discomfort of the illness, the wires, the needles, the breathing treatments, the poking and prodding.

-When you gave Banner your open-mouth "kisses" tonight - the night before your first birthday - and you couldn't get enough of loving on him! Then, when I dropped your paci and it went under the crib, I set you down for a second, and you took off toward my bedroom where Daddy was reading to Banner and Quinn, and you seemed to be on a mission to go as fast and as far as you could before I captured you to return to your bedroom to finish your bottle. You walked in your sleep sack, and man, are you fast in that thing! You giggled and tried to get away. Your brothers were quite entertained!

11-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Fast: a word that describes both you and this past month. Where is time going? How are you already a month away from your first birthday? How is it already time to plan your first party? Yet, how have we only known each other for only one year? This month brought few changes - but plenty more experiences.

-You're walking as if you came out of the womb with running shoes on.

-You have about 5-6 words - not that anyone else would know what they mean, but Daddy, Grandma, BeeBee, and I know what you're saying. You have a sound for "more," "here," "bottle," "up," and "ball." They are mostly just initial sounds "hehhh" for here or "muhhh" for more; "bah" for bottle and ball depending on what you are looking at. And you clearly say "Hi!!!" and "bye-bye." I've heard "mama" and "dada" many times, but I can't be sure you are calling us or saying our names specifically yet.

-You hate baby food. You'll tolerate it here and there, but it is definitely something you're entirely ready to have disappear. You don't even love little cut-up pieces of food. You like the big stuff - big 'ole chunks of bagels or pizza or pear or pasta... you name it, you do not want bits of it. You wanna sink your teeth into it. (And, those teeth are precious!!!)

-You blow kisses. Be.still.my.heart! I LOVE THIS! Complete with a "muah" sound.

-A few days after your 10-month birthday, you slipped and bonked your mouth on the coffee table. A scar was born that day. It's immediately under your bottom lip, and I'm not sure it will fade much more, but I hear "chicks dig scars" from our pediatrician, and Banner has a similar scar on his lip from a similar fall - so hopefully you won't be too upset by it.

-You are a little shy and cling to me around new people. You bury your head against me or into my leg, and I adore the safety you feel with me.

-Speaking of, I just love our attachment to one another. I love our cuddles, the way you want to be held all the time (even if it can be frustrating during dinner prep), how you run to me when something frightens you or the boys are too loud. I just love that we love each other and that you know I'm here for you when you need me.

-You got your first pair of shoes! Grandma has a tradition with each grandchild, getting them their first pair of shoes. We tried to wait until your birthday, but you walked at 9 and half months, and not putting you down outside was getting frustrating for both of us. So, shoes became a must, and she took you just last week to get your first pair. And you love your newfound freedom!

-Some of your favorite things include: putting your mouth on the opposite end of our Sonicare toothbrushes as it vibrates; squealing with your brothers as they play chase and often times try to get you too; Yo Gabba Gabba; climbing on everything; chicken; bagel; being held; when Mommy or Daddy get home; your pacis; grabbing whatever you can get your hands on out of the fridge; getting into the dishwasher; being DONE changing a diaper or being DONE getting dressed (because you cannot STAND doing either of those).

-Stats: size 4 diapers (6 overnights); Level 4 nipple; Size 18 month clothes; size 5W shoe (you measured 4.5, but we went up a little), one cold this month, and 4 teeth total!

-You're crying it out these days nights. We've had enough, so midnight wakings are no longer responded to, and most nights you do a great job soothing yourself back to sleep with little problem. (Fingers crossed... gah, I just wrote that, so we know what's coming now...)

Knox Morgan, I've been dreading this particular post for months. I don't want there to only be one month left before you are officially a year old! Once it's here, I'll be just fine, and we will celebrate! But, for now, I'm mourning your infancy that is no longer a part of our every day. You are a toddler now, and I feel like this last month before you are one is the beginning of the end of your babyhood. It's not like anything magical happens at one. (I once thought that with Banner. I expected that when he turned 12-months old, all of a sudden we'd be able to do all kinds of crazy one-year-old stuff .... like playing with Play Doh or painting or building sand castles. Ha. I was so very wrong, and it would be months before he'd stop putting everything in his mouth to allow us to explore new things!) It's not like you become this different person next month, but it's a turning of the page. A new chapter. The year you were one. This whole past year was your first everything, and every time we thought about the year before, there was no you, or I was pregnant with you. But, looking ahead at the coming year, at your second trip around the sun, I know it starts to speed up. Babyhood is drifting by, a fleeting space and time that I can't hold on to any longer. I'm grasping at it, and I can feel you growing up too quickly already. You're walking, nearly running already. You're talking in your own way. You're fabulously interested in whatever your brothers are doing. You love fiercely and show affection with such compassion. You seem to have no time for petty baby things - ready for all memories of your babyhood to be distant and left behind in the settling dust. But, I'm not ready, Knox. I'm not ready.

So, I'm gonna soak up this whole month and love loving you before you turn one. And, after that, nothing will change -  just your age and NEVER my love for you. As I've always told your brothers, you are ALWAYS my baby - no matter how old you are. Goodness, Baby Love, I love you more than I could ever tell you. Every ounce of me, every piece of my being, adores you and loves you so very much.

Happy 11-Months!
Love,
Mommy

The Best Worst Year

It all started with maggots. That's right. Maggots. On December 31, 2015, it was my day to get up early with Banner and Quinn. Just like every morning, I had to go to pee before I could start my day, so I used the boys' hallway bathroom, and as my pregnant body slouched to the toilet, I noticed a white creeper on the tile immediately in front of my feet. I knew what it was immediately, but it baffled me because... well, what is a maggot doing in my boys' bathroom? But, I picked it up and flushed it, and once Sam was up, I told him what I had seen. He didn't believe me, said it must have been a different critter, and we moved on.

The next morning was January 1, 2016, and this is the day we KNEW we had maggots in our house. In the exact same spot as the previous morning, I saw another one. This time, I took a picture of it, showed it to Sam, and we both came back to the bathroom to see more of them. They were burrowing into the black bathmats. They were scattered throughout the bathroom floor. It nearly made me vomit. I knew this was an omen. Who starts their new year with maggots? It just had to be a sign that this year was going to be awful.

Turns out the maggots were in the attic, devouring a dead rat immediately above the boys' bathroom. The maggots probably got into the bathroom through the fan vent, although we never did really figure that out for certain. The exterminator told us we had other signs of rats in the attic - and squirrels, too. We put out traps around the attic and the perimeter of the house. Apparently, this was a common problem in the area, so we weren't alone. But, this was not the way I wanted to spend the first month of the new year - trying to rid my house of rodents! And all of this just a month before we would bring home a new baby. But, we paid quite a bit for rodent exclusion.

In addition to this problem, Sam's car was falling apart. On his first day back to work after the holiday break, his car wouldn't start. Once at the shop, we were told it would be $3,000 to fix it. Even though the car was only worth a small amount more than that, we fixed it. And, when he went to drive it after the fix, it still wasn't working properly. After another trip to the dealership to get it fixed, he finally had a working car.

On top of that, we were having some plumbing issues. A leaky faucet and a hissing toilet had me calling the plumber, but two days after he "repaired" these, the toilet overflowed as we were all trying to leave for work/school. The faucet started dripping again, too. Only our cleaning lady was able to repair the faucet that dripped for the entire weekend! It was one disaster after another.

Our luck seemed to be pretty awful, so my paranoia that something would go wrong with my delivery seemed justified when so many other things were going wrong around us. Luckily, everything went great, and I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby - my favorite delivery yet, in fact, since we were able to actually watch the doctor deliver Knox during the C-section. I thank God every day that this delivery went smoothly and that we have our healthy baby with us!

Two weeks later, Quinn had a cold. We were told it was RSV - he was only tested for Knox's sake. Because we knew how dangerous this cold could be for Knox, he went to stay at Grandma's house for  two nights. But, after two nights, we felt like it wasn't fair to Grandma to have to do all the night feedings and care taking. So, Knox came home. That Friday, his snot grew thick and green. By Monday, he was at the doctor's office having a breathing treatment, and by Tuesday he was admitted to the hospital, exactly 3 weeks after he was born. Luckily, we were only there to prevent a horrible downfall, and the oxygen and breathing treatments provided were to keep him from getting worse.  But, financially, this was another hit. Three big hospital bills (mine, Knox's birth, and the RSV stay) were piling up, and I kept thinking about those damn maggots. This was the WORST YEAR!

We made a decision to pay off all bills right away and not have them lingering the way Quinn's birth had (in fact, we hadn't paid off the total from his delivery at this point in the year). A day later, hail broke through all 5 skylights in our house and pelted Sam's car. Sam and I were devastated. We looked at each other, as our sky literally came crashing down, with a look of "When will we ever catch a break!?!" Panicked and not knowing what to do, we called our insurance company and tried to pick up the mess as the boys slept through the loudest, most devastating storm we'd ever experienced.

Two weeks later, each of our sons and I got pink eye in both eyes. It was a challenge managing four sets of eye drops, breathing treatments, reflux meds, feedings, and my own meds. Yes, my own meds. During all the healing from Knox's delivery and all the other shenanigans, it's no wonder I talked to my doctor about my "walking into a deep, dark tunnel" and the feelings of my family unraveling from all of my control. At 6 weeks postpartum, she said, I should be coming OUT of those feelings. I told her I was walking IN to them. We both agreed I was experiencing postpartum depression for the first time. I cried in the shower. I withdrew from my mom and from Sam... the two people I would share anything and everything with normally. I felt a rage inside me that I couldn't seem to tame, and I didn't want to be around my children. Knowing that was not normal and not being ashamed to discuss it but rather wanting help, I told my doctor all of this. I noticed a change pretty quickly after starting only half a dose. It took the edge off and lowered my anxiety. I was taking care of me, and I was able to start work 8 weeks postpartum not feeling like I lived in a horrible place.

We were still dealing with the aftermath of the storm with both the house and Sam's car. That storm would prove to be a mixed blessing. The money from the insurance helped us replace a roof that probably needed replacing anyway. It was the only thing standing in our way of selling our house. So, with that repaired, we could move forward with listing the house. A week after we listed, we had a contract. The selling part went so smoothly. But, when it was our turn to buy, we were up against a horrible human being who probably pocketed insurance money and refused to fix anything we requested. She was a bitch to worth with - a despicable realtor herself actually who wouldn't budge on anything. We were so in love with the house, though, we decided to stick with it despite its awful owner.

Moving out of Darion was a big deal to us; leaving the only home our boys had known and the place where Sam and I became a family was tough. And I couldn't help but wonder if this was the right choice. Would 2016 always be the "year of the maggot?" Would our decisions and choices made this year be cursed? Should we wait it out? Are we giving up the best place for us? But, again, we pushed forward, and we moved our family into this beautiful house that we have begun to feel "at home" in. We're settling in, and we are loving it! But, I still have a weary feeling that haunts me, a feeling that maybe we've bought a lemon. I keep waiting for the house to fall apart in some way.

About a week after we moved in, Sam's car was kaput again. Instead of investing even more money in it (a 2002 4Runner), we decided to get a new car. You know, spend MORE money we didn't really have. There were also unexpected problems - a plumbing issue that wasn't caught by the inspector, a garage door that suddenly stopped operating... all while trying to adjust to a new house, a new school for Banner, a new routine for Knox, and a new job position for me.

Yet, throughout the entire year, I've tried to keep things in perspective. 2016 has been great to us in so many ways, and definitely better to us personally than it has been to our world. This year brought the Dallas Police shootings, the Orlando shootings, the Nice attack, Brexit, horrible conflict in Syria, a heated election, the deaths of singers, songwriters, actors, directors, legendary icons, and the electoral vote for Trump. I've been in mourning over that whole disaster and what it will do to our country and to various groups of people. I'm hoping the worst part was his winning the election and that 2017 will bring a surprising breath of fresh air.

In 2016, we barely slept. Knox is a horrible sleeper, and on the rare occasion that he does sleep through the entire night without interruption, his brothers don't follow suit. One or both of them will be up with some problem or desire to sleep in our bed. Yet, throughout the year, I've learned how I can still function (even happily) on little sleep. I've learned to not sweat the small stuff and let those little nuggets in our bed so everyone can go to sleep... and a piece of me kind of likes the nightly cuddles with my boys who are growing way too fast.

In 2016, we spent more money than ever before -- money that I felt we didn't have! But, we also made more money than ever before. It's been a rocky road since Sam started his own firm, and every January 1 from 2013 until 2015, we had a tough conversation to try to figure out if continuing that firm was a good decision financially - and therefore maritally. We went back and forth for a while on whether I should go back to work and how much I should work if I did. We're finally in a place where we don't have those conversations anymore.

In 2016, we watched our boys hit big milestone. Of course we watched Knox do big things like smile, roll over, reach for us, sit up, crawl, cruise, blow kisses, clap, and walk. We watched him try new foods, explore new things, and grow more attached to us. Quinn potty trained, gave up naps, learned to go to school without Banner, and got his own new room. He has gotten quite independent! Banner finished PreK and learned to make new friends in Kindergarten. He's reading like a champ, enjoys Sunday School (but hates giving up part of his weekend), and is amazing with Knox.

In 2016, Sam and I managed to get away twice - a total of two nights! Whoohoo! :) A baby moon at the bed 'n breakfast in January, and the Billy Joel concert in December. With a bar that low, I'm sure we can manage to beat that in 2017!

In 2016, my nephew, Cole was born, I met my niece, Hayla, and my sister found out she's pregnant.

So, not everything about 2016 sucked! Parts of it were amazing! I am grateful for all the memories, the birthdays, the holidays, the gifts, the giving, the health that we all have. As horrible as it was, as exhausting and stressful as it's been, and as much "adulting" as we had to do, I kinda wouldn't change it. That's life. The push and pull, the ups and downs. But, I'm also kinda glad to see it go. And, so far, I haven't seen any maggots, so we're heading in the right direction!

10-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
What a big month this was! The major accomplishment this month was definitely: walking! I'm still in a state of shock whenever I see you just get off the floor and walk around! I absolutely love that you are walking. You want so badly to keep up with your brothers and to be able to get where you want. I think you are impressed with your new skills and IT is the toy you want to enjoy right now. You like the feel of the floor on your feet, you like seeing how fast you can get somewhere, you like how proud of you we are, you like the ability to chase and play with how fast you can carry yourself toward or away from someone. Not only did you far surpass your brothers in meeting this milestone so early, you mastered getting off the floor completely by yourself long before they did. I figured that might take another month or so, but nope. You are quite skilled at perching yourself up and pushing off the floor. And, that run is coming soon! Your waddle is quite quick - and getting faster each day! Daddy and I are still floored by how quick you are and giggle in amazement at you just toddling down the hallway or turning the corner of the kitchen or following your loud brothers as you giggle right behind them.

So, what else have you been up to?

-Climbing the stairs... thank God for baby gates! But, as long as I'm behind you, I love watching you scale them like a pro. Going down - a totally different story. Since you are our first baby in a house with stairs, we have to figure out how to show you that, but so far, you learned on your own how to climb so fast! I love letting you do the whole flight right before a nap or bedtime. It kinda helps wear you out.

-We are nearing our end with baby food. Pouches are still okay, and morning oatmeal is still acceptable. But, pretty much any other baby food is out the window. You love being able to pick up pieces of your meal and savor them in your mouth. Your favorites are chicken, apple slices (which can be a huge choking hazard, and I'd rather not give you them, but you love to teeth on them), and bagel. You're not so keen on slippery foods, wet or slimy foods... mostly because once your fingers touch them, you turn your nose up at them and won't even attempt a bite. If I can sneak a piece of food in your mouth, you MIGHT decide you like it. You let us know you are done with a meal by dropping what's left on your tray to the floor - as if you're testing to see if there's a dog in the house we failed to introduce you to.

-You just cut another tooth (top left) as of yesterday - bringing your total teeth count to 3. The fourth is nearly there, but not quite.

-Stats: size 4 diapers, size 6(!) overnights, level 3 nipple (but probably 4 starting this weekend), 12 month clothes, 18 month pajamas!, and shoe size coming soon!

-Separation anxiety - but more in the form of "stranger" anxiety. You do great when I leave you with Grandma or BeeBee; it's when a new person says hello, especially in a new place, you will "bottom lip it," and get weary quite quickly.

-If we'd let you, you would: eat the toilet bowl; destroy the pantry; line every inch of the kitchen with sippy cups/snack cups/kid plates/kid bowls that you unpack from the only drawers you are allowed into; break through the baby gates; slam your fingers in every door while you practice swinging it; drink mustard from the fridge; make out with any and every remote control, ruining it with caked saliva; pull every piece of folded laundry to the floor; lick the dirt off of every shoe in the house (truly, I think you have a shoe fetish); eat Legos; crawl into and slip all over the shower floor; attempt to fly off our mattress. (I'm sorry we don't let you do these things. We like you safe and healthy, even if it pisses you off.)

-Quinn has found an affection for you. (FINALLY!) He loves to give you hugs, loves to make sure you are safe. Both boys adore you and affectionately call you "Knoxipoo." Banner speaks so sweetly to you and tries to make you laugh.

Knox Morgan, less than 2 weeks ago, I gave you your last bath in the infant tub over the kitchen sink. I didn't know it was the last one. I don't even remember the date of it or when it actually happened. But, we tried a bath with your brothers one night and then again the next night when we were running late to get everyone ready for bed. It became a thing, and now it's your new routine to either shower or bathe with them. It requires more work on Daddy's part to get you ready for bed, especially because I'm not finished putting you to bed when the others are ready for me to help with book/story time. But, you love this time with Banner and Quinn. I miss your nightly tub time, and I'm sad that "baby" tub part of your life is over. It was always my favorite time of your day. Now, my favorite time is snuggling you during and after your last bottle of the day, just rocking in the glider and holding you close. It makes me sad that one day we won't even do that anymore, and I may not even know it's the last time - just like with your bath.

Time is marching quickly, Baby Love. You are heading out of infancy and are literally walking right into toddlerhood. I am so thrilled to watch you grow and learn. It's such a joy to have this front row seat to your life and to spend time with you each day. I just wish it would slow down a smidge. At this time in your life, you are so easy going. Our days with you are amazing. (Our nights not so much, but we're learning to let you figure that out on your own a little.) And, while you are definitely our most serious baby, you are learning to laugh more! I wish you'd laugh more. I just think you have SO much on your mind - so much "figuring" and interpreting going on in that brilliant mind of yours. When some of that settles, I have a feeling we will meet our little ham. You are certainly not done revealing yourself to us - I just know it. Each day, you continue to be a gift we get to open, full of surprises and lessons, love and affection.

Oh, Knoxy, I love you so very, very much!
Happy 10-months!
Love,
Mommy

You love walking toys - although ANYTHING is now a walking toy

You met Aunt Kindle this month during Thanksgiving weekend

9-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
It's weird to say how I feel this month. But, I'm being honest, and I have to say... it's about time you turned 9 months old! I don't mean that in a "rushing you to grow up" way - because, OH MY GOD I don't want you to stop being my bitty baby! I mean that in a totally different way. Surely, this whole last month you were older than 8 months, right? I mean, you are one of the most mature, advanced, and interactive little guys I've ever known. You just keep getting more and more developed, and it's hard to believe you were only 8 months old when SO many big things happened. Does that make sense? I just feel like 9-months old seems so young, yet you far exceed my expectations. I've learned as a mother I will always seem to rush Banner yet be so impressed with you and Quinn and how quickly you learn things. (Poor Banner. I know. I'm working on it. But lucky for you, I have like zero expectations... yet even if I had some, you'd exceed them.) Anyway, I'm making a mess of this explanation as I simply free write about you this month. I'm sorry. If I had more time to prepare what I am trying to say, I'd get my point across more clearly. But, alas, since you arrived and we have three active little boys, I have no time. So - as Ms. Whitten always says, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!"

So, what have you been up to this month?

-We just had your well check yesterday, and you are doing great! Dr. B says developmentally, you are scoring between 11 and 12 months old, and some of your milestones are more like 14-month-old kids. See? I told you you are advanced! You are rolling a ball with us, waving, clapping, even saying "buh-buh" for bye-bye and meaning it. You say "muh" when you want more bottle, or you say "bababa" when you want more bottle. You sign "more" when you want more food! You lean toward what you want, or you pull on us to be lifted up. You are trying to communicate with us, and you're doing great! You are cruising your way around the house - around the furniture, the walls, boxes, walking toys, rolling toys... you name it. You've stood on your own for a few seconds here and there, but I wouldn't say you're "standing" just yet. More importantly than any of that, though, is that you are one healthy boy! You got two shots today and a finger prick, and you hated both! But, hugs and a paci helped you calm down right away!

STATS:

• Weight: 19 pounds, 15.5 ounces = 50th percentile
• Height: 29 inches = 75th percentile
• Head: 44.7 cm = 45th percentile
• You are one tall boy! You outgrew most of your 9 month clothing long ago. 12-months fit you much better. 
• Size 4 diapers, 5 overnight
• Level 3 nipple - we tried to switch to 4s but you spit up so much with those and very little with the 3s
• Bedtime is around 7:00, and you wake around 6:15ish. Every night is hit or miss on whether you will sleep the entire night through. In any given week, we probably get one or two nights of straight sleep. I like those nights. A lot. We're tired. Please sleep. ;)

-We get to start meats this month. Last night, we started chicken, and you seemed to like it! We started yogurt a few days ago. You liked that, too! You aren't a big fan of baby food right now. You much prefer the carbs that come in the form of Puffs, Cheerios, Mum Mum, pancake bits, bagel bits, and Gerber Wheels. I keep introducing small pieces of fruits and veggies, but you don't seem to like the texture. You'll eat fruits in the little nets you can hold, but I'm personally getting bored with those. I wish you'd eat better - but soon, Little Man. Soon. I know. 

-YOU HAVE TWO TEETH! (I know I wrote a little about this last month when the first one was starting to erupt, but this warrants more attention because...) Oh man, are you a horrible teether! Those were the worst two weeks! TWO WEEKS before we saw them both. And jeez! We have 18 more teeth to go!! I don't know if I can manage that. I may have to move out until you are 2 or so. You did not sleep for those two weeks. So we didn't either. And, oh my GOD did they take forever to come in!! Here's to hoping the next 18 aren't nearly as awful as that! (Who am I kidding? Molars?!)

-This past month, we had your first Sukkot where we had lots of visitors and fun in the sukkah. We celebrated your first Halloween. It was so fun dressing you up - twice! The first part of the day, you and Isaac went to a play date at Skylar's house as girls! :) And, man, you make a pretty little girl! You're welcome - and I'm sorry. Later in the day, you were a part of our family Star Wars theme... as R2D2. You were curious about all the raucous and excitement.

Knox Morgan, you still love to dance, love to be sung to, are more tolerant of car rides, adore your big brothers and want to copy everything they do - including screaming like them!, enjoy swinging, like to hang upside down, are into every cabinet and drawer you can get your hands into, love to be held, have the most gorgeous smile, and light up our lives with those beautiful blue eyes. I know SO soon you will be walking and taking off wherever you want to go! You are delighted by your ability to already move about the house so freely - squealing with joy when you can walk through the house with your little push walker. And, oh my goodness, do I get a kick out of watching your little tush waddle across the floor as those little legs take off as you grin ear to ear! 

My favorite times of day with you are bathing you and then rocking you to sleep each night (but only the FIRST time each night!). We cuddle and relax together in those sweet, quiet moments just the two of us. With each passing month, I know the nearness of those nights ending is getting closer, and that pains me. But, I also can't wait to see you play more with your brothers and watch you become "one of them" a little more. But for now, I embrace this special time with you, Knox. My infant. My baby. My sweet Baby Love. I love you so very, very much!

Happy 9 Months!

Love,

Mommy

Dear Leslie (5)

Dear Leslie,
5 years. Feels like we could have just spoken yesterday, but it's been 5 whole years. Five whole years of you missing birthday parties, holidays, dinners, pictures, phone calls, movies, and now TWO grandsons you never got to meet. We welcomed Knox Morgan this year, and you missed it. You missed football games and soccer games. You missed helping us move into our new home. You missed entertaining the kids and sleepless nights, helping cook dinner, and watching the kids while Sam and I work. There are times I am so angry about all that, and there are times my heart breaks for you. But, mostly, it breaks for Sam and my boys who wonder what life would be like if you were still around.

The questions and curiosity that come from Banner are increasing. The other night, I overheard Banner asking Sam all about you - how he found out about your death, the last night you two had been together - and all about West Side Story :). I absolutely love when you come up in conversation. You aren't far from our minds, but when your name is mentioned and we talk about you, I feel like you aren't far from our lives. I love that Banner wants to know about you and bring you along with him through life. And, I know Sam loves it, too.

When we were leaving our house on Darion, you were very much on our minds. First of all, as we took down little "chotchkies" around the house, we thought of you: the little figurines, the pictures you are in, the dishes, the gifts... and then the little shelf you made for Banner before he was born. Sam took that off the wall and found a note you had written on the back of it - to your then-unborn grandson. It was like you were speaking to him again. And later, as Sam and I stood in the doorway of the entryway, we hugged our last hug in that house. I could tell he was emotional, and we both just teared up. He let go a little, and I knew exactly what was on his mind. It was powerful, as if you really were with us in that moment, and we realized we would lose a piece of you all over again by not living in the house where your memory is so very alive: the night you came speeding to the house to help me when Sam fainted after wisdom teeth surgery, the way you laughed (and it pissed us off!) when Banner wouldn't stop crying as we changed his first diaper after his circumcision, the time you brought Miles over to visit Banner and showed up with various trinkets and a poster Miles made, the night you stayed awake all night long making sure Sam was okay after his accident, helping me bake challah on the icy day your heat went out, answering Caden's questions about smoking while standing in the backyard during Sam's party after he passed the bar exam, watching you walk in to the surprise party we hosted for your 30th anniversary celebration..."Your mom?" I knowingly asked. And he nodded. "She's with us. She knows where we're going," I told him. And whether you are here in spirit at our new home or not, you are definitely a part of it. You'd love our sukkah we built. You'd love the boys' rooms. You'd love watching Banner play on the playground during recess from our backyard. (In fact, I'm pretty sure you'd be annoyingly interested in watching him play!) You'd probably be bringing over wall hangings or small pieces of furniture to put around our house, saying we needed this or that and to stop being such "minimalists," and I'd get frustrated because our tastes are so different.

5 years later, I'm still so sure of how things would be with you around. And, we still wish we could talk to you about our crazy, busy lives. There are still so many times we want to share something with you but can't. And, you'd still be so proud of your boy. Sam is the best husband to me. He is the best father to our sons. He has a temper I know you helped contribute to, but he's learning to be more patient. He's a hard worker and so good to his clients. He treats everyone he meets with the utmost respect, and he is a man of his word. He's fun and affectionate and interested and devoted... I could go on and on. You know these things, I know. But, I don't get to tell you or show you how great he is, so I feel like saying it. If a wife could give her husband a report card that he could run and show his Mommy, his would have A's all over it! You really would be so very impressed with him. Your little guy grew up, and he's one hell of a grown up!

And his children adore him. They light up when he walks in from work. Knox can't even finish eating without needing Daddy to pick him up. He at least needs to see him the minute he hears his voice come in the door. Quinn wants to dress just like him, and Banner wants to show off anything he learned to Daddy. And, you would just EAT UP how much everyone says Quinn looks like Sam. To be honest, though, I don't see Sam. I see you. I always have. Bits of you shine through those eyes, even though they are bluer than blue. The expressions he makes, he is so your little grandson. And you would have ADORED this. I have a feeling he might have been your favorite because of that. But, you'd tell each of them that they are your best friend, and you'd whisper it so no one hears your dirty little secret that you say this to all 5 of your grandsons.

I know you, Leslie. A gazillion hours on the phone with you throughout college and on helped with that. The 15 years that I knew you and shared in your family helped with that. You were a talker, and I am a listener, and I have no doubt I'm right about how things would be if you were still alive. You should know you are a huge contributing factor to why I write every little thing. I want my kids to know me, know my memories of them, and have as much of me as I can give to them after I am gone. You taught me how short life can be and how unexpectedly life can change. I often look at your death through Sam's eyes and never want my children to have to lose me - at all, really - but definitely not as suddenly as we all lost you. And, I'd love for them to know me as well as I know you, so they will never question what I would have told them or how I would respond to something. Rest assured, we got you - and you are still so very much with us.

Missing you today and always,
Amber

8-Month Newsletter: Knox

Dear Knox,
Instead of boring you with lots of prose, I'm going to just cut to the chase for this month's update! Let's call this update: 8 FAVES at EIGHT! These are my favorite things about you as you turn 8 months old:

1. Dancing: You love to rock back and forth on all fours if a song comes on and you are mid-crawl. Or, if you are pulled up on something and hear music, you will bounce a bit.

2. Humming: Along those same lines of loving music, if I sing a song to you, you will start trying to hum along! I love it!  It's very recent that we've even noticed that you do this, but Daddy and I both have noticed when Quinn watches Daniel Tiger or if anyone is singing, you seem to want to join in and will hum with us. Last night, I was singing Lechi Lach with Banner in the kitchen, and you were humming with us. As I noticed you were doing that, I started swaying a little with you on my hip, and you put your head back and closed your eyes, almost as if you were embracing the music! And, I'm not positive, but I also think you're trying to match pitch! I can't wait to see if this love of music continues!

3. Eating: You've gotten so great at feeding yourself Cheerios, Mum Mums, and Puffs, munching on the little nets with bits of banana or peach or avocado in them, drinking water from your sippy or straw cups, or sucking on apple slices. You much prefer independent eating to the baby food I spoon feed you, but you take everything well for now. There were a couple of weeks that you significantly dropped ounces in your bottle, but we're getting back on track slowly! I think you just weren't as hungry for a bottle with so much loving of food!

4. Cruising: You're all over the place, buddy! A speed crawler who has become quite quick to pull-up on anything and everything, you now know how to navigate around objects - the kitchen cabinets, the coffee table, the couch, me! While every now and then, you can take a tumble backwards and bonk your head on the wood floor, you are quick to calm and generally ready to go again a few minutes later after some TLC. You've even learned how to take that brave step from the couch to the coffee table and back again. You are one courageous little guy... but as I was reminded by pulling up Quinn's 8-month post, this is the time when bumps and bruises make a strong debut. You fell standing at the side of the couch last week and made a head dive into the window sill. A big forehead bruise appeared moments later. Oh, do be careful, Baby Love. So so scary all this risk-taking! The stairs are a huge interest for you, too... and just in the past few days, we've seen you pull yourself up on the steps - just ready to climb up those boogers. We have an estimate from the baby proofer about all these areas that you are drawn to (fire place is another biggie), but we haven't scheduled yet! It should have happened right when we moved in, but - well, life.

5.You're starting to really comprehend what we're saying to you. You turn to your name, and just the other day, you crawled away from your bottle, and when I said, "Do you want more?" you turned around and came toward me to snuggle in for more of its contents.

6. A TOOTH! The teeniest, tiniest little bit of a bottom right tooth is making its first appearance just this weekend! After a week of horrible sleep and pooping up a storm so badly you have a red rashy tush, we figured this may be the case. Swollen gums told us this might be the issue, but after nights of endless hours of crying and nothing we did soothed you, we had to let you cry it out. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But, geez, those nights were/are AWFUL! It was/is during those nights - and ONLY during those nights - that I was seriously wishing there was a return policy for infants.

7. Splashing: One evening last week you discovered that the water in your tub pops up if you hit it. Daddy and I watched with such joy as you enjoyed your new ability to splash! We let the kitchen floor get sopping wet, as Daddy and I looked at each other knowing we would have NEVER let your older brothers make such a mess! But, it was so fun to watch you experiment playfully with the water.

8.Tag-Along: You LOVE your brothers and copy them on anything you can. If they are singing, you will try to hum the tune. If they are yelling and chasing, you are right behind them trying to keep up and making your own sweet yell. You LOVE for me to pick you up and hold you out in front of me to "chase" them around the house. You'll giggle up a storm when you "get" them or they "get" you. You adore their attention, and they like helping you. Banner, especially, is quite a helper with you - making sure you don't fall down, redirecting you, playing with you, and being silly just to get a smile from you. Quinn is still unsure of your permanence in our household, but he loves to give you kisses and TRY to play with you. (Soon you two will be best buds, and you don't even know the difference or seem to mind at all, but for now, he's a little too rough with you for my liking!)

Knox Morgan, I love you with all my heart. I wish you would sleep better, Little Dude, but otherwise, you are one easy-going baby. Lately, you have grown so attached to us. Daddy is definitely your person of choice lately - you are very enthralled with him. When he gets home from work and you hear his voice, you will no longer pay attention to your dinner I'm feeding you - you must see him right away and have him pick you up! This is just one example of how you long for his attention and affection. But, you're still a mama's boy, and I love that you love me and know that I love you. You're giving kisses and waving; you're interested in your friends at play dates (with Wyatt, with Elan, with Skylar), you're drawn to a screen; you hate the changing table (but a paci helps a lot), you love your days with BeeBee and with Grandma, you are babbling quite a bit ("mamamama" is my favorite of course!), and you hate getting dressed. I love learning about you and seeing each day bring a new trick or talent. These next few months will bring great change, I already know. Walking is the next big step  ... no pun intended. :) Take your time, Baby Love. Your brothers will wait for you, and I will, too.

I love you so very much!
Happy 8 Months!
Love,
Mommy

Leaving Darion

We've lived at our new house for about 2 and a half months already! I've been meaning to publish this final post about our last few days and nights on Darion Lane, but time and life -- it just keeps going too quickly for me to settle for a minute to breathe and reflect. And, perhaps there is a part of me that keeps putting off the reality of saying goodbye to a home I loved so much. It's true I wanted to move for years! But, the timing was never right, or we were waiting for the market to be what we wanted, or the idea of having to "show" our house was exhausting. And, then suddenly, time fell into place and circumstances became perfect. We had certainly outgrown our cozy home, and with three boys who continue to acquire more things, take up more space, and want some elbow room, we knew it was time. The hail storm in March was a blessing in disguise; we were able to get a new roof, new gutters, paint some, etc, and it would (mostly) all be done in perfect time to list the house and get Banner situated before he started Kindergarten. It was "now or never," so to speak!

In addition, the more memories I made on Darion, the more connected I became, and the less likely I would be to ever move. I love that all three of my boys were brought home from the hospital there and spent those endless days and nights of newbornhood in that quaint set-up. I love that I rocked all of those babies in the same nursery. I love the memories we all created, and that I have countless images in my head of my little ones so small in every room and space of that house. But, I'm also glad I still have a baby in my new house, that my boys are still in the thick of their youth with myriad of memories still to be made in a new home.

And, I LOVE our new house. I do. At first, I was tentative and reluctant to like it - especially when, upon closing and showing the boys their new home, we had an A/C leak that marked up the downstairs kitchen ceiling WHILE we were there - only hours after signing the papers! What a horrible welcome it was; but I've come to see it as the house's way of saying, "Whatcha gonna do about THIS?!" as a test of how committed we are to taking care of this new part of our family. Our home. Yet, it isn't home just yet. There are days when I long for my home only four minutes away. There are days I feel like I'm just visiting someone else's house, and I'm ready to go back to my own place. But, with time and updates and energy spent on fixing up this awesome house, I think we are settling in quite nicely, and one day, hopefully soon, it will feel like home.

So, as I go ahead and make this a formal goodbye, I want to reflect on our goodbye to our home:

Banner and Quinn had been counting down the days - for better or worse - til the move. We were packing endlessly, and eventually when it came down to the wire, random items were being tossed in unorganized boxes just to get the job done already! Our garage was full of boxes and furniture ready for movers. Our clothes were ready to be lifted off the closet rods and schlepped over to the new house with the help of several amazing friends.

Closing day, a Friday, went very well. Banner and Quinn were in camp, and Knox was with my mom, so Sam and I were able to go to closing all by ourselves. The bittersweetness of the whole meeting was the joy and pride I felt in selling my own home, the house I had bought all on my own while simultaneously fearing we were making a huge mistake. What if the new house was a dud? What if our happiest days are behind us in the only home we've ever known as a family?

Those feelings quickly went away as we got back home and tried to get ready to move (we had the weekend to complete the move and had to fully be out by Monday). We picked Banner up from camp and went to our new house to show the kids around. It was awesome. They loved it - the stairs were a favorite! They liked the big open rooms, seeing their bedrooms for the first time, having their own bathrooms, and being able to see Banner's school on the other side of our alley. Other than the A/C leaking (which I shouldn't down play; it was a HUGE problem for me and continued to be a problem as the dripping water that made a mess on the ceiling also wreaked havoc on the brand new carpet the following morning! I'm not sure I've cried like that in a long time!), things were great.

The move went very smoothly - even with high temps at the very end of July! I was a trooper in the heat I hate so much! :) The last night at the house was Saturday night. I measured the boys one last time in their nursery closet. We bathed the boys altogether in their bathtub. There were tears as I put Knox down to bed (actually at nap, too, earlier in the day). It would be the last night I put a baby to sleep in that room, in that house. I sat between Banner & Quinn's beds shortly after that, holding each of their hands in mine, wanting to soak in that moment forever. Both my big boys in the same room, in the room they learned to sleep in big boy beds, in the room they learned to be room mates in - room mates they may never have again. Sam and I weren't overly emotional that night really - - that would come later.

Sunday was moving day. It was chaotic but structured. It was fast but long! It came and went, and later that night after the kids were asleep at Grandma & Papa's house, Sam and I went back to clean up. I've never cleaned that house so well. Completely empty, it was easy to vacuum and sweep. And, I felt like I wanted every last bit of dust and dirt to be captured, like it was the last mitzvah I could do for this house, to let her shine the way I knew she could and had been wanting to since my kids were born! I remember vacuuming feeling like I couldn't clean enough. In each room, I reflected as the vacuum hummed loudly. I could recall the voices, the smiles, the laughter, the hugs, the hand prints, the tantrums, the love making, the stories told, the kisses, the tempers, the lengthy talks, the shows watched, the friends over, the mistakes, the arguments... the stories that lived in those rooms were ingrained in my head. I was sweating while I wiped down cabinets and counter tops, cleaned toilets and faucets... But I felt like I couldn't leave anything untouched.

On Monday, again, we picked Banner up from camp and went back to Darion to say our final goodbye. We prepared a letter for the new owner, arranged some colorful flowers for her and her boys, left a welcome gift for her (a mezuzah) and for her boys (an art project), and set out the keys, remotes, and manuals for the house and appliances. Then, we asked the boys to walk through the house with us to make sure we didn't leave anything. I wanted them to see that we had taken ALL of their things with us (at least so if we ever lost anything during the move, they wouldn't think we forgot it at Darion). We checked every last cabinet and closet. And then, I took a few pictures of them in their empty rooms. That's when I started to tear up a little. I walked in to my bedroom one last time, and the boys followed Sam and me. Sam and I hugged silently, and that's when Banner asked to take a picture of us in our room. And he did. Quinn wanted to know why I was crying, and he made silly faces to try to cheer me up. Sam and I were both teary, and we told the boys that we were going to miss that house, that we loved it there and that's where we became a family so it would be hard to leave.

Then, Banner and I walked Sam, Quinn, and Knox to the front door because his car was waiting out front, and we were going to lock ourselves out of the house. We stood in the entryway just hugging for a while. I could tell Sam was pretty emotional, and I knew exactly why. "Your mom?" He nodded. "She's with us. She knows where we're going," I reassured him. He nodded. We cried. And, with that, he walked away from the house.

Banner and I locked the door, and then Banner and I hugged in the den. In between the play room and the den, Banner teared up as we rocked. He said, "Mommy, I'm going to miss living here so much." I just held him and told him how I would too, but that we had a lot of new memories to make in our new house. And, just like a 5-year-old boy - he was over it pretty quickly! We were leaving the garage moments later for the last time. As I reversed into the alley, I could only feel that we were leaving something behind, like we had forgotten something. But, I knew we hadn't. It was just that we were leaving Darion.

Last bath

Look how big this first baby has gotten! In Banner's first room!

In Quinn's first room!

In Knox's first room... love the way you can see the crib slats on the wall

First picture outside our new house!

I love this one. One day we'll look back at this picture and think, "Look how little they were!!"