An Opportunity to Create

Last week, we had our last meeting with the rabbi before the wedding. It was a great session, and I wanted to share a little bit of our discussion. We discussed that marriage is often viewed as a great change in a person's life. I explained that I don't see it that way, and I don't want to think that everything is going to change. I went on to say that I like the way things are right now - that we can spend time with our families together and apart, that we can have time with each other, that we spend holidays equally with each other's family, that we allot time for friends, that we balance work with home (as much as Sam's boss will let him!), that we do things by ourselves (alone) to make time for each of ourselves, etc. I don't want those things to change. The rabbi replied that marriage is really not about "change," but the "opportunity to create" something new. Marriage is our time to create a new family, a new way of existing in the world. It's our time to CREATE our space in the world and not necessarily "change."

We had a couple's counselor who alluded to this idea, as well. She suggested that we create a contract or a written plan of what we want our life together to be like. She explained that we could write out how we want to handle certain situations, what our expectations are, how we will spend time together, and so many other ideas. Although we have not formally written out a plan, we have had numerous discussions about our plans to "create" our space and our relationship.

I just liked this idea about creativity and wanted to share it. When you look at marriage as the opportunity to be creative and not as a means to change an existing relationship or life, it's so much nicer and easier to take on. Marriage should be different than the single life. Things will be different. But, what's so awesome is that Sam and I get to decide that for ourselves. We get to figure out what we want and what works for us. It's not about changing everything; it's about the creation of a bond and family tie that's just for us and how we want to exist together in this world.

When you're born you are a completely dependent person. You then learn how to become independent - counting on yourself to fulfill your needs. That's the very goal of becoming an adult - to make your own money, pay your own bills, take care of yourself, do the grocery shopping, take care of your belongings (car, house), manage time with family and friends. But, the ultimate goal, even according to Stephen Covey (author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), is to become interdependent. To be able to count on someone else, to share responsibility and depend on each other - that is the highest level of functioning. You're not just trusting in yourself to get something accomplished; you're giving up control to another person, trusting in them to allow you to both function. This is a goal of marriage (as it is in society, having a family, or being a great leader) - to learn to lean on each other and know that tasks will be accomplished to the benefit of both individuals. The goal is NOT to become one person with only one set of needs. Sam and I are two unique individuals. The goal IS to continue to develop the connection/connectivity between us. This may look a little different in every relationship. Again, the chance to create this bond and this interdependence is the interesting, exciting part. Now, if only Sam would stop procrastinating so I know I can relinquish that control, we would be much better off! But, I know, he'll get to that later! :)

Date Night

Oh, how I love date nights! I love it when Sam comes home from work, and I get back from Mom's after a couple hours of wedding talk, and we have absolutely no plans for the night - the night after days & days of busi-ness and a weekend ahead of more packed schedules. We actually get to hang out just the two of us and spend time talking - NOT about wedding planning! It's nice to just go get some dinner and talk about work, our families, our friends, our goals for the future, our housing project, just anything! We can solve the problems of the world together, it feels like, as we just chit-chat and enjoy each other's company. I love being able to just hold Sam's hand throughout a movie and then spend the entire evening thereafter analyzing the plot and the characters, thinking through the storyline, and saying what we liked and disliked about it.

I kind of can't wait until this wedding planning is over. I am psyched for the actual event, but the planning bit is overkill. For a year now, we have been planning and thinking, thinking and planning. I'm just done at this point! I can't wait for the over-analyzing of the planning to be completed so we can actually enjoy the evening and all the memories. I will miss all the extra time Mom and I have spent together and my sister and me, but it's been yet another experience that we can all add to our list of things we did together, that we planned on our own and pulled through together. Sam and I are just ready to move on from this planning process - enjoy the event, hang out with friends and family, and then finally be married and enjoy just hanging out with each other.

In a recent talk with a long-time family friend who married in May, I found my feelings were shared and therefore validated. This friend said she is kind of glad that the wedding was actually over. You never hear brides admit that they are glad the day is said, done, and gone! It was nice to hear I'm not alone. I know I'll look back on that weekend and miss my friends and family who came in town just for us, or those who dedicated their whole weekend or even just a long night to celebrating with us. I know I'll cherish the tenderness of a romantic first dance or the way Sam will look at me that day. I know I'll never forget the way he looked or the feeling of being loved by so many people in one room. But, I'm just ready to be Sam's wife and for him to be my husband and for us to figure out this whole newlywed life. Also, in talking with this friend, I was reminded of the way I want to think about the whole weekend: at the end of the night, no matter what goes wrong or not to my expectation, Sam and I will be married. And, the next morning, none of it will matter but the memories with my loved ones and Sam. We will be married, the ceremony will go on, and the little things just don't matter!

That's just how powerful date night can be!

Making It Legal

So, today we went to get our marriage license at the county court. Sam and I met there since he was at work today and is highly busy. I got there first and went right in to "take a number" to save us time, thinking there would be a long line that Sam would be frustrated about. I saw the sign that read, "Passports & Marriage Licenses" with an arrow on it. I followed the signs and came across two doors, one with the sign "Passports" and one with the sign "Marriage Licenses" still trying to get over the semi-racing heart that reminded me of the seriousness and inevitability of walking into the "Marriage Licenses" room. As I turned the corner into the room, I noticed there was no one there. The "Passport" room and even the "Immigration" room was filled. But, nope, no one wanting to get married. So, I actually walked out and made sure I was in the right room. I waited for Sam for a few minutes, knowing we would get helped right away. Then, I decided, maybe I should go ahead and check in. I went up to the little half-door/window, and the lady asked me to start filling out the paper on the table. So, I took the clipboard and paper over to the empty waiting area and began filling out both of our information. Soon, Sam came in, and we were ready to go!

We sat down together with the lady, very quietly waiting to answer any questions. No, we're not related. No, we've not been divorced in the past 30 days. No, we don't owe child support. No, we're not currently married to anyone else. Whew! Passed that test. (Nothing about love or commitment, nothing about wanting to be partners for life, just some legal crap.) Of course, when I first sat down to fill out the papers, I noticed that the papers were for "MAN" and "WOMAN," (yes, in all-caps) just making sure we all know that homosexual marriages are not allowed - only superior heterosexual marriages would be allowed in this state - another topic you should not get me started on!
Anyway, so we paid the nice lady, we checked over the license, and then she told us the procedures for returning back to the court the papers signed by the officiant and witnesses. Then, the court will send the certificate back to our address after our wedding; as she talked, she pointed to the little address in the bottom corner:

TO MR. & MRS. SAMUEL LASTNAME
OUR STREET NAME & NUMBER
OUR CITY, STATE and ZIP

Sam looked at me with a little smirk, and I returned this smirk. As we left, Sam was holding back laughter just knowing how peeved I was that they don't even ASK you if you're changing your name. No, I didn't just legally change my name by not speaking up, and it really isn't a big deal to get it sent to our house (the house in MY name) that way, but it's the damn principle. I said to Sam, "I didn't know there was going to be a Mrs. Samuel Lastname! I don't know who that is! Who is this woman who has your name?" He agreed that it is stupid on their part to not ask. I told him it doesn't upset me, it just really bugs me. He said it really kinda bugged him, too.

While the lady was putting our information in the computer, I had turned to Sam and made the observation that more people want to leave the country (passports) or stay in the country (immigration) than wanted to be married in this country (licenses). We both kinda laughed about that, just hoping it's not telling of any kind of doom we're in for by entering that "Marriage Licenses" office. So, I'd like to make a toast: Here's hoping that Sam & I did not pick the wrong room. Here's hoping that my pitter-pattering heart was solely about excitement and recognizing that I've given this marriage a lot of serious thought. Here's hoping that the ease in which we got our license is the ease in which we celebrate and rejoice in our marriage. Here's hoping that the government will not call me Mrs. Samuel Lastname anymore!

Interesting Article

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2009-08-11-change-name_N.htm

My cousin forwarded this link to Sam, and he sent it to me. I thought it was worth publishing on this blog given the nature of the topic. I have some of my own thoughts about it, maybe you do too! I love what is says about gender-neutral language being more "PC" than reflective of changes in attitudes (what I'm "supposed" to say, and what I really feel are two different things). She's saying that, as a society, we really haven't shifted our feelings/thoughts to gender-neutrality, we just say what we think people want to hear so it looks like we are gender-neutral. Oh, and, don't even get me started on the government mandate to make women change their names when they marry! Really?! I'm so shocked (although I really shouldn't be) at this idea - I can just hear those politicians ranting and raving - "Let's put women in their place! Let's make them change their names to their husband's name!" And, another thought... most women, according to the stats in the article, are on board with this idea. That's what's so baffling to me. Women, in my opinion, are the biggest obstacle to this kind of thinking, because they think this way, too! Some women can be just as misogynistic as men, only aiding to keeping women in an unequal place.

I'm fine with whatever you believe, really. I just want you to consider the alternative, consider the other option, and consider that everyone has the right to choose. No judgment, no disappointment in others - just acceptance for the right for everyone to choose - no different than which color shoes you're going to wear today. I may not think you chose the "right" color or the most flattering, but I don't think you're a horrible person or a rude person because of it. And, likewise, you may think that my shoes are ugly - but I doubt you're going to think I'm a witch because of my choice. That's all I'm asking - nonjudgment and acceptance of any choice made. My friends and family might say to me, "I can't believe you're not changing your name," or "I don't agree with your choice, but I still love you." It's really not their decision, and as long as there's no judgment, they can say whatever they'd like to... because my response in my head is NOT "I can't believe you changed your name," or "I don't agree with your choice to change your name, but I still love you," because, quite honestly, I'm not thinking ANYTHING about their choice. Again, it's like choosing a purse or an ice cream flavor - it might not be what I would have chosen, but I don't care what you do, as long as you are doing what makes you happy!

Okay, I promise (or, I'll try to promise) to stop blogging about this topic now. I just had to post this website and discuss my opinions on it.... mostly, because it's been so interesting to me to hear people's responses to my non-name-change as if it were a problematic decision. I never really thought it would cause so much controversial discussions and reactions, quite honestly. I'm both glad it's been brought up for awareness as a "political" issue and shocked/disappointed at the reactions of others' shock. I thought we had come farther as a society. I guess I was wrong. I was pleased to see that 29% of the people surveyed (according to the article linked above) say "it's better for women to keep their own names." It's nice that we're getting close to 30% of people, but I do want to comment on the word "better." I, personally, don't think it's "better" either way. It's just a personal choice. It's "okay" or "acceptable" ... maybe those would be more appropriate word choices, but not "better." (Yes, I taught language arts, and I'm a stickler for proper diction!) I don't think I'm making a "better" choice, I'm just making a choice that's right for ME. End of story! :)

To Get a Date or Not to Get a Date

The "date" I'm referring to here is not about a day/time - nor is it about a romantic outing with a significant person. The "date" to which the question in the title of this blog refers is a noun, a person to be specific. An escort, maybe, is a better word here. Here's the dilemma for every engaged couple: do guests invited get to bring a guest or date of their own? Where do you draw the line?

I'm not the only one out there to ask this question. We have several engaged friends out there who want to know the answer to this question. Sam and I decided that in order for our single guests to bring a guest of their own, our guest must be engaged or living with his/her partner. I mean, let's face it, weddings are expensive (see blog post entitled "Wedding . . . Plus, Plus" for more on the ridiculousness of the expense!), so we have to keep the guest list to a "good" size (whatever that might mean in your situation - big, small, reasonable, affordable, closenit, etc.). There are exceptions to our rule, however, and they are reasonable exceptions. One is if we're already friends with the single person's partner, independent of their relatioship status with the single person. For instance, if my friend, X, has a boyfriend, Y, and Sam & I hang out a lot with X & Y together, then Y is invited also, even if he doesn't live with X or is not engaged to X. Make sense? That's logical, right?

So, we've had to be pretty strict to our rule of cohabitation OR engagement. The problems many people may run into is: "But we've been together for a long time" or "I won't know anyone if I can't bring him/her." Other considerations might be if a single guest is considerably older - maybe a date would allow this older woman to stay out later so he can drive her home, or maybe she'll get up and dance if he escorts her. Oy!

One of Sam's best friends is getting married in May (hi, J & B!), and I've talked to J about this issue. I advised J that the guest list has been our most difficult thing to manage - you just can't manage when there are so many things out of our control. "I heard they live together, you need to add him to the guest list." "I don't have any place to keep my kids, can I bring them?" "They just moved in together. Well, kind of, they spend every night at his house." OH, and then, there's the people who don't ask, and they just add in a guest on their response card. That's always a fun little wedding surprise.

My purpose in writing this post is only to vent a little. We ALL go through this. This problem is not exclusive to our wedding - it happens at all events...showers, birthday parties, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, etc. So, I thought it was worth bringing up. Mainly, I just wish someone would have told me to expect this. We made our guest list in November/December, and we revised it until invitations went out in July. We were okay with that, but since July (yes, only a month and a half ago), we've learned of 7 engagements or "move-ins" that have changed our numbers. That doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but it's huge when you think of all the other engagements or "move-ins" since December that were already on the list, and 7 last minute add-ons make the table number more, the decor more, the seats more, the programs more, etc. See, it all adds up (plus, plus!).

Don't get me wrong... I'm no NO WAY upset about these add-ons. It's just that I would have altered my original list to accommodate more people. It's also just that Sam & I don't really know these "dates" that our friends are bringing. If we did know them, they would have been named on the invitation. I'm not offended or upset that people are moving on with their lives, either. I'm just slightly annoyed that people I don't know are coming to my wedding, when I had to cut some of my own friends or distant family members. And, it's not just me who had to "cut" people - my mom and dad did, and Sam's parents did too (as did Sam of course). We know that our true friends understand, as do our coworkers we had to leave off the list, but you have to draw the line. It's just been hard when that line keeps moving farther from your control.

Sam's Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sam! We will spend today apart in the morning, as he has a dentist appointment (yes, I've sent him with lots of questions to ask!) and I have a final dress fitting. I also have to pick up the dress I'm wearing to rehearsal dinner (from getting a few alterations). Then, Sam will probably make his daily journey to Home Depot for more home-improvement equipment. We'll then finish more of our remodeling project, and maybe the lawn will get mowed if Sam decides to spend his special day doing household chores. Finally, the day will end at Sam's parents' house with a special meal for Sam and his dad (whose birthday was yesterday. . . Happy Birthday, Richard!).

I feel badly for Sam that his birthday is somewhat overlooked by all the errands and household chores that we've taken on. (Although this time last year, we were on a cruise, and I've never celebrated my birthday like that before. So, it's all in good fairness, right?) Don't worry, though, I've gotten him a special gift of another day at the culinary school together. This time: Basic Knife Skills!! Yahoo! He'll love it. And, it's the week after the wedding, so as Sam says, "If we're getting married, we can properly learn to stab each other in the back."

Sheesh! Just kidding! It was a funny little joke, though. (Not really, I'm just being polite on Sam's birthday. His sense of humor gets a little off when he is stressed out!) Anyway, while we're on the topic of Sam's birthday, I just wanted to say that I am so glad he's now only 2 years younger than I (yes, that's grammatically correct) - since in the past month and a half, his age seems 3 years younger than I. He is way less mature than I am, but most men are less mature than their female counterparts, right? Sam's sense of humor and fun ways have kept (and will keep) me young! And, since men typically don't live as long as women, we'll have a few more years together since he's younger. Ideally, we could die at an old age together... yes, at the exact same time.

Anyway, enough of my shananigans! HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my husband in T minus 29 days! I hope it's a good one! I know this year will be filled with more amazing memories and experiences. I love you so much!

The Silliness of Bridal Beauty

What's with the veil? What's with the long train? What's with carrying flowers down a long aisle? Is any of this silly to other people?


I'm gonna wear/do all of the above, but really, what's with it all? Since when is white a good color to wear all over your body? When is the last time you put on a garter or wore jewelry in your hair? What's with these weird traditions?! Full of questions as I'm watching Sex and the City (the movie) when Carrie gets in the car looking like a cream puff cupcake on steroids! What's with the big blue feather in her hair!? Anyway, it just made me think of all the silly wedding garb that we all tolerate and maintain when it really does look so odd and out-of-place. Has anyone else questioned this before?

What Every Couple Must Do Before "I Do"

Engagement, in my opinion, is the practice of being married. From the moment you say, "Yes!" to the proposal, you and your partner are basically married at that point. The engagement is just a trial run of what marriage will be like together. Planning a wedding is a test of how you handle stress together. The time spent with family becomes a test of the marriage, too, as you bridge the gap between being the "girlfriend/boyfriend" to being IN the family - being able to speak your mind and start treating his/her family as your own. For all intents and purposes, you are practicing marriage as you pay bills, spend money, divide time between families, budget time for yourself, friends, and each other, keep the house clean, cook meals together, etc. Dating is different than engagement. Sure, you're figuring out each other and deciding if this is the person you want to spend more time with, spend your life with. But, from the moment that ring is in the picture, you are basically married already, by practice if not by law.

There are a few things I believe all couples must go through together before getting married, or hopefully, before saying "YES!" to the proposal:

• Travel Together. See how you do while on a long flight, how you each handle packing (and unpacking - my weakness!), how you each desire to spend your time while out of town, how you talk about your trip when you return. You will learn so much about your partner this way. See what makes him/her excited or stressed; can you handle each other for a long period of time without anyone else you know?; do you want to make new friends on your trip, or do you want to stick to yourselves?; how do you each spend money while traveling?

• Do Major Housework. Paint the kitchen; remodel the living room; change the counter tops; do something! This kind of stress will test your ability to make decisions together and tolerate major mess and change. Do it on your own - don't pay someone! Enjoy the laughter when you both mess up something; learn how to critique in a constructive way, without hurting the other's feelings; listen to each other when he/she has a different idea or opinion; clean up the mess together; give back rubs after you're both sore and tired. Sam and I have done this twice, and each time it's a learning experience - it's tiring, it's frustrating, it's unnerving, it's hilarious, too!


• Think about Your Expectations. Answer questions about what your expectations are for the marriage: how will you budget, how often will you have sex, how often will you spend time with family, how often will you go out to dinner, who will do what chores around the house, how many kids do you want, where will you live, will you pay a housekeeper or pay for lawn care, how will you handle a misbehaving child, how will you manage alone time, how will religion play a role in your marriage or your children's lives, how will you spend holidays, and so many other things to consider. There are actually awesome books out there that provide all of these questions and so many more to help you think through all these. Sam and I read about 3 books of questions - mostly because we just enjoyed hearing each other's responses (or guessing how the other would respond). I highly recommend this!



• Go to Couple's Counseling. Whether you have issues or not, counseling will bring out any possible issues and help you come up with creative ways to handle them. It will also bring about topics that you didn't know were issues and help you prepare for any problems in the future. A common issue is family time and expectations of other family members. Discussing all of this as a couple in front of an unbiased listener is a great way to help prevent any problems later.



• Spend a Holiday with the Family. Everyone has their own family traditions. I'm used to spending all day at my mom's on Thanksgiving. This has been a really tough transition for me in the past few years - leaving Mom's for Sam's parents' house. It's not that I don't enjoy my time with Sam's family, it's that I am not used to this new tradition of leaving my family - all my cousins and aunts & uncles. Figuring out how to spend holiday time, when you are used to your own little world, is a big challenge. Find out how this will feel for you to leave your customs and traditions with your own posse. . . what does your partner's family eat on these holidays, how does everyone behave, do you miss your side of the family, what traditions can become new and meaningful to both of you, which holidays will be spent with which family, if at all? Some holidays are more easily decided upon - Hanukkah, for example, is much easier since it's 8 days. July 4th is often spent with friends for us, so some are easier than others.
  
  Work Out Together. Find out what each others' physical limitations are and what you enjoy doing. See how your partner handles a physical challenge and how you can encourage each other. Sam and I love to bike ride together. He knows that he's going to make it up that hill a lot faster than I am, and he's patient with me as he waits a minute or two for me to meet him there! I love it when Sam comes to the pool at the gym with me; however, I have to be much more patient with him since he's not the best swimmer! I love his company, though. (On another note, I still don't understand how the man can't float!) When we go walking together, Sam knows that I love to walk really fast. He hates walking fast and would rather jog or run. So, at the gym, we start off together, and then he's off jogging, and I'm walking my heart out (and trying to walk my ass off!). We just listen to our music on our own, have a little alone time, and smile at each other when we pass one another.


• Cook Together. Everyone has their own technique for cooking. Sam and I make broccoli in so many different ways, for instance. We have our own way of making mac & cheese (we agree mine is better!) and so many other foods. Watching each other cook is a learning experience. Often, though, we make foods that are team efforts, so this can build your relationship. We make side dishes and pies on Thanksgiving - so we're usually in the kitchen all day that Wednesday. We have to have a plan and help each other. This is a great way to find out more about each other.

• Buy a Big Item - Go Ahead Spend Some Money! Oh, this is a fun one! Buy some furniture together, or a new TV, a new car, or a new computer. Shop for a new bedframe and mattress or even rings for your big day. It's always a good idea to practice making big financial decisions together. I like to pay things off right away and save the money on interest. Sam, however, is more used to making small payments and paying something off slowly. Making a budget, figuring out what you can and cannot afford, and prioritizing big expenses is a challenge for couples. Like I've mentioned before in another blog post, we are a generation of "I want what I want when I want it! I cannot delay gratification!" So, having your partner be a sounding board and a voice of reason will help you not go overboard. It's been interesting for us to reason through our remodeling. We know it's expensive, but we're also trying to do it on our own, and we figure it will add value to the house, while allowing us to enjoy the house and stay in it longer - therefore saving more money down the road! Planning and listening to each other is vital for handling finances.
  
  Plan a Wedding TOGETHER. There's nothing like going through all the decision making and stress I've referred to in other posts WITH your partner. This is not the bride's big day - it's OUR big day! He should have a say! Whether he wants to or not, he's going to participate! I don't want all the stress on me, and this is his wedding, too. So, include your man in planning all the shenanigans!

• Go to the Doctor's Office Together. Men do NOT like the doctor. Men do NOT ask questions when they go. Going together lets you know how the other person thinks about and handles health. I went to the dentist with Sam last year. The man had no idea what questions to ask, and he didn't seem to worry about anything. I was in the corner taking notes (yes, literally!) and asking question after question! Sam was somewhat impressed by my attention to detail; I was NOT impressed by his lack of inquisition! I deeply care about Sam's health, and I think it's important that he know that. One day, I know he'll be at the doctor's office with me, and I'm sure he'll care about my health as much as I do mine and as much as I do his. It's always good to have another set of ears anyway!

• Endure Life's Trials and Tribulations. This is the only suggestion that is out of your hands. It's one of those times that you hope never happens, but you also need to see how you handle really emotional and difficult times. Unfortunately, my family has seen it's share of disappointments. Fortunately, Sam has been there for all of them, and he's held my hand and held me up when I needed him. He's been understanding when I couldn't give him the attention he deserved since I was attending to my family. And, equally, I've been there for him in times of frustration and anxiety. We know we can count on each other, and that's huge. There were times when my family was in deep crisis, and he supported me. When he was studying for the bar, when he was looking for a job, when my back went out, when he had his wisdom teeth out, when I was studying for my licensing exam, and a few other times, we've shown each other that we can be there, unconditionally! He even ran a truck into my car and damaged my bumper, but I took a deep breath, realized he didn't mean it, and got over it! (He plans on having that fixed soon . . . I'm just waiting for that to happen!)

I'd love to hear your comments if you have any other MUSTS before "I Do!" Practicing being married to Sam has been the best. It's been stressful, but it's been fun. I can't wait to really be married to him!

My Unsolicited Opinion about The Unsolicited Opinion

There are several times during a person's life that he/she will receive others' opinions whether wanted or not. Some of those times include: deciding where to go to college, determining a career path, having a baby, raising a child, and of course, getting married. I'm sure there are more, but I've yet to experience those in any kind of capacity, vicariously or not, so I'm just mentioning the ones I know of. I've heard the horrors of strangers rubbing a pregnant belly and telling a soon-to-be parent the best names, the best ways to raise the baby, and the best solutions to any given problem. I'm sure I'll just accept all of that when it comes, just the way I have to accept all the unsolicited advice and opinions of others when it comes to planning a wedding or starting a marriage.

I've heard my share of opinions in the past year. And, with every opinion comes a counter-opinion! Cut that person off your list, how can you cut her?; go on your honeymoon right away, it's better to wait to celebrate; you don't need chair covers, you do need chair covers, you should have chairs brought in; don't do a groom's cake, do a groom's cake; wear your hair up, wear your hair down; preserve your bouquet, don't preserve your bouquet, it's a waste of money; don't do a father/daughter dance; dance with your dad, dance with your stepdad; order napkins, don't order napkins; wear a blusher, don't wear a blusher; take his name, don't take his name; do buffet, have plated meals; have a joint account, keep separate accounts; get a pre-nup, don't get a pre-nup. The list could go on and on. So many times, though, these are not asked for! Sam and I are good about asking for help or advice when wanted; it's just been so interesting getting so many opinions without a request for input. (No, Mom, I'm not saying to stop giving your opinion. If I'm trying to make a decision and need input, please share! That goes for you too, bridesmaids! I'm also not saying I don't enjoy conversation about various named topics; I'm merely discussing the UNSOLICITED, random advice.)

I went to the eye doctor last week, and she asked what my new name was going to be. When I told her I was keeping my birth name, she gave her opinion (a positive one - not that it matters), and then she went on to say, "I bet you get a lot of unsolicited opinions about that decision!" She was so right on. In fact, the next day, I went to another doctor. He asked the same question the eye doctor had, and he was also sure that I got lots of feedback from others and unwarranted discussion. He had actually tried to get his daughter to do the same, but the new husband wouldn't have it. So, he was open to the idea, but it obviously was an opinion that his new son-in-law didn't care for much!

I guess the whole point is that if you have an opinion, wait until you're asked for it! And, if other people's opinions matter to you, you're screwed, because you're just going to get contradicting responses. Do what you want! In one week last spring, for example, I got four different opinions about how to wear my hair for my wedding day (one said she loved my ponytail and I should wear it back like that for the wedding; one said she loved it straight and down; another person said she loved it curly; another said my hair was getting too long and she liked it better short). There's just no pleasing everyone. So, the best thing to do is please yourself (and your partner) without worrying too much about others. Chances are, you'll make the best decision on your own, and others will realize you were right to go with your gut. And, there you have my unsolicited opinion about unsolicited opinions! (But this is my blog, and I can write about anything I want!) ;) Oh, and if you want to comment, I won't think it's unsolicited. So go ahead, CRUSNY, and let me hear what you have to say!

Girl Time

Well, it's been pretty busy around our household. As we've been planning the big day, we have other projects going now. Even though we decided our "nesting" itch needed to subside on it's own, we played with the idea of knocking out a small wet bar in the house to allow for more room in the den. I bought the house thinking that we would use the bar and entertain often using it. However, it was just in the way, and Mom (yes, Mom!) suggested we get rid of the bar to allow for a better lay-out in the den. I don't know if she thought we should do it pronto, but we are! Many friends have said, "What are you thinking taking this on before the wedding? How will you have time for this!?" Well, life goes on and . . . why not!? It actually gives our minds a break from the monotony of wedding planning; we can actually see pretty quick results, too. Sam and his dad tore out the bar counter and cabinets in less than two hours yesterday. We've already taken care of the plumbing and are looking forward to getting some estimates on the flooring. Good stuff! Way to go, Sam, on all your hard work!

On another note, I wanted to discuss the importance of good girlfriends. While Sam was hard at work at home, I headed out of town for a fun night with my sister, sisters-in-law-to-be, and good friends for a bachelorette slumber party. I'm not a drinker, and I'm quite disturbed by the idea of a stripper flapping around on me and/or my friends! So, we went out to a cabin and cooked dinner, played games, and had great conversation! We woke up to make pancakes and eggs while watching Mamma Mia! The last time I had a true slumber party, I was in elementary school. The last time I had good girlfriends spend the night was probably in high school with a couple of my best friends. This was much more! We laughed and laughed all night and bonded in ways that most guys just probably couldn't understand. We had true girl-talk - discussing our relationships, our frustrations with our guys, our sex lives, our feelings about so many different topics. (I want to thank my little sister, too, for organizing such an amazing evening and morning! She paid perfect attention to all the details of making my party so special. She gave the gift of creating these memories for my friends and me! Thank you, K, for such a fabulous reminder that I have such great friends and family - and for spending so much of your time on planning this perfect get-away!)

As one of my lifelong friends left, she said she was glad she came and had so much fun. She mentioned it was kind of sad that this would (probably) be our last sleepover. This friend is one that spent the night at my house growing up many times - all throughout elementary school and on through high school. We have some great memories of those nights - making up games, staying up late. It is somewhat sad to think about how we don't do things like that anymore. I told her this doesn't have to be the last time. Just because you go off an get married doesn't mean that you have to stop having fun with your friends or doing things you enjoy with your girlfriends. Why not make ladies nights out or plan a time to get together with your best friends without the guys for a night or two?

I've been trying to tell my mom to do this for a while - call up her best girl friends, go to a hotel or cabin somewhere, and just chill with people who understand her in a completely different way than her husband or children. I hope that last night was a reminder for all my girlfriends about how much fun and meaningful women are to each other. We need each other. And honestly, our spouses/partners need us to have other friends and confidants. I remember spending 2 1/2 hours on the phone with my best friend in Houston one night, just catching up and venting when I had been in a kind of funk. I actually got off the phone with her and told Sam how much better I felt after talking to her. He picked up the phone to call her back just to say, "Thank you!" He appreciated having her be there for me when maybe I just needed a different ear, a different voice, a supportive friend.


So, here's to all the ladies out there with really good girl friends! Here's to all the girl friends out there! Call up your best girl tonight and let her know how much you love her and appreciate her. Friends are so key to helping our relationships stay meaningful and long-lasting. They are the ones who pick us up when we are down, support us through happy and sad times, make sure we're doing okay and that our guys are treating us well, care about your daily life, wish well for you, know how to make you laugh, know all those little things about you others just don't, remember how to make you smile, remind you what's important in life, and understand what you're saying when you don't even know what you're saying! Here's to all those long-lasting friendships - the ones you've had since you were born, since you were in fourth grade, the ones since your freshman year in high school, your college roommates, and the newest friends at work! Here's to girl time!