To Get a Date or Not to Get a Date

The "date" I'm referring to here is not about a day/time - nor is it about a romantic outing with a significant person. The "date" to which the question in the title of this blog refers is a noun, a person to be specific. An escort, maybe, is a better word here. Here's the dilemma for every engaged couple: do guests invited get to bring a guest or date of their own? Where do you draw the line?

I'm not the only one out there to ask this question. We have several engaged friends out there who want to know the answer to this question. Sam and I decided that in order for our single guests to bring a guest of their own, our guest must be engaged or living with his/her partner. I mean, let's face it, weddings are expensive (see blog post entitled "Wedding . . . Plus, Plus" for more on the ridiculousness of the expense!), so we have to keep the guest list to a "good" size (whatever that might mean in your situation - big, small, reasonable, affordable, closenit, etc.). There are exceptions to our rule, however, and they are reasonable exceptions. One is if we're already friends with the single person's partner, independent of their relatioship status with the single person. For instance, if my friend, X, has a boyfriend, Y, and Sam & I hang out a lot with X & Y together, then Y is invited also, even if he doesn't live with X or is not engaged to X. Make sense? That's logical, right?

So, we've had to be pretty strict to our rule of cohabitation OR engagement. The problems many people may run into is: "But we've been together for a long time" or "I won't know anyone if I can't bring him/her." Other considerations might be if a single guest is considerably older - maybe a date would allow this older woman to stay out later so he can drive her home, or maybe she'll get up and dance if he escorts her. Oy!

One of Sam's best friends is getting married in May (hi, J & B!), and I've talked to J about this issue. I advised J that the guest list has been our most difficult thing to manage - you just can't manage when there are so many things out of our control. "I heard they live together, you need to add him to the guest list." "I don't have any place to keep my kids, can I bring them?" "They just moved in together. Well, kind of, they spend every night at his house." OH, and then, there's the people who don't ask, and they just add in a guest on their response card. That's always a fun little wedding surprise.

My purpose in writing this post is only to vent a little. We ALL go through this. This problem is not exclusive to our wedding - it happens at all events...showers, birthday parties, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, etc. So, I thought it was worth bringing up. Mainly, I just wish someone would have told me to expect this. We made our guest list in November/December, and we revised it until invitations went out in July. We were okay with that, but since July (yes, only a month and a half ago), we've learned of 7 engagements or "move-ins" that have changed our numbers. That doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but it's huge when you think of all the other engagements or "move-ins" since December that were already on the list, and 7 last minute add-ons make the table number more, the decor more, the seats more, the programs more, etc. See, it all adds up (plus, plus!).

Don't get me wrong... I'm no NO WAY upset about these add-ons. It's just that I would have altered my original list to accommodate more people. It's also just that Sam & I don't really know these "dates" that our friends are bringing. If we did know them, they would have been named on the invitation. I'm not offended or upset that people are moving on with their lives, either. I'm just slightly annoyed that people I don't know are coming to my wedding, when I had to cut some of my own friends or distant family members. And, it's not just me who had to "cut" people - my mom and dad did, and Sam's parents did too (as did Sam of course). We know that our true friends understand, as do our coworkers we had to leave off the list, but you have to draw the line. It's just been hard when that line keeps moving farther from your control.