An Opportunity to Create

Last week, we had our last meeting with the rabbi before the wedding. It was a great session, and I wanted to share a little bit of our discussion. We discussed that marriage is often viewed as a great change in a person's life. I explained that I don't see it that way, and I don't want to think that everything is going to change. I went on to say that I like the way things are right now - that we can spend time with our families together and apart, that we can have time with each other, that we spend holidays equally with each other's family, that we allot time for friends, that we balance work with home (as much as Sam's boss will let him!), that we do things by ourselves (alone) to make time for each of ourselves, etc. I don't want those things to change. The rabbi replied that marriage is really not about "change," but the "opportunity to create" something new. Marriage is our time to create a new family, a new way of existing in the world. It's our time to CREATE our space in the world and not necessarily "change."

We had a couple's counselor who alluded to this idea, as well. She suggested that we create a contract or a written plan of what we want our life together to be like. She explained that we could write out how we want to handle certain situations, what our expectations are, how we will spend time together, and so many other ideas. Although we have not formally written out a plan, we have had numerous discussions about our plans to "create" our space and our relationship.

I just liked this idea about creativity and wanted to share it. When you look at marriage as the opportunity to be creative and not as a means to change an existing relationship or life, it's so much nicer and easier to take on. Marriage should be different than the single life. Things will be different. But, what's so awesome is that Sam and I get to decide that for ourselves. We get to figure out what we want and what works for us. It's not about changing everything; it's about the creation of a bond and family tie that's just for us and how we want to exist together in this world.

When you're born you are a completely dependent person. You then learn how to become independent - counting on yourself to fulfill your needs. That's the very goal of becoming an adult - to make your own money, pay your own bills, take care of yourself, do the grocery shopping, take care of your belongings (car, house), manage time with family and friends. But, the ultimate goal, even according to Stephen Covey (author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), is to become interdependent. To be able to count on someone else, to share responsibility and depend on each other - that is the highest level of functioning. You're not just trusting in yourself to get something accomplished; you're giving up control to another person, trusting in them to allow you to both function. This is a goal of marriage (as it is in society, having a family, or being a great leader) - to learn to lean on each other and know that tasks will be accomplished to the benefit of both individuals. The goal is NOT to become one person with only one set of needs. Sam and I are two unique individuals. The goal IS to continue to develop the connection/connectivity between us. This may look a little different in every relationship. Again, the chance to create this bond and this interdependence is the interesting, exciting part. Now, if only Sam would stop procrastinating so I know I can relinquish that control, we would be much better off! But, I know, he'll get to that later! :)