What Every Couple Must Do Before "I Do"

Engagement, in my opinion, is the practice of being married. From the moment you say, "Yes!" to the proposal, you and your partner are basically married at that point. The engagement is just a trial run of what marriage will be like together. Planning a wedding is a test of how you handle stress together. The time spent with family becomes a test of the marriage, too, as you bridge the gap between being the "girlfriend/boyfriend" to being IN the family - being able to speak your mind and start treating his/her family as your own. For all intents and purposes, you are practicing marriage as you pay bills, spend money, divide time between families, budget time for yourself, friends, and each other, keep the house clean, cook meals together, etc. Dating is different than engagement. Sure, you're figuring out each other and deciding if this is the person you want to spend more time with, spend your life with. But, from the moment that ring is in the picture, you are basically married already, by practice if not by law.

There are a few things I believe all couples must go through together before getting married, or hopefully, before saying "YES!" to the proposal:

• Travel Together. See how you do while on a long flight, how you each handle packing (and unpacking - my weakness!), how you each desire to spend your time while out of town, how you talk about your trip when you return. You will learn so much about your partner this way. See what makes him/her excited or stressed; can you handle each other for a long period of time without anyone else you know?; do you want to make new friends on your trip, or do you want to stick to yourselves?; how do you each spend money while traveling?

• Do Major Housework. Paint the kitchen; remodel the living room; change the counter tops; do something! This kind of stress will test your ability to make decisions together and tolerate major mess and change. Do it on your own - don't pay someone! Enjoy the laughter when you both mess up something; learn how to critique in a constructive way, without hurting the other's feelings; listen to each other when he/she has a different idea or opinion; clean up the mess together; give back rubs after you're both sore and tired. Sam and I have done this twice, and each time it's a learning experience - it's tiring, it's frustrating, it's unnerving, it's hilarious, too!


• Think about Your Expectations. Answer questions about what your expectations are for the marriage: how will you budget, how often will you have sex, how often will you spend time with family, how often will you go out to dinner, who will do what chores around the house, how many kids do you want, where will you live, will you pay a housekeeper or pay for lawn care, how will you handle a misbehaving child, how will you manage alone time, how will religion play a role in your marriage or your children's lives, how will you spend holidays, and so many other things to consider. There are actually awesome books out there that provide all of these questions and so many more to help you think through all these. Sam and I read about 3 books of questions - mostly because we just enjoyed hearing each other's responses (or guessing how the other would respond). I highly recommend this!



• Go to Couple's Counseling. Whether you have issues or not, counseling will bring out any possible issues and help you come up with creative ways to handle them. It will also bring about topics that you didn't know were issues and help you prepare for any problems in the future. A common issue is family time and expectations of other family members. Discussing all of this as a couple in front of an unbiased listener is a great way to help prevent any problems later.



• Spend a Holiday with the Family. Everyone has their own family traditions. I'm used to spending all day at my mom's on Thanksgiving. This has been a really tough transition for me in the past few years - leaving Mom's for Sam's parents' house. It's not that I don't enjoy my time with Sam's family, it's that I am not used to this new tradition of leaving my family - all my cousins and aunts & uncles. Figuring out how to spend holiday time, when you are used to your own little world, is a big challenge. Find out how this will feel for you to leave your customs and traditions with your own posse. . . what does your partner's family eat on these holidays, how does everyone behave, do you miss your side of the family, what traditions can become new and meaningful to both of you, which holidays will be spent with which family, if at all? Some holidays are more easily decided upon - Hanukkah, for example, is much easier since it's 8 days. July 4th is often spent with friends for us, so some are easier than others.
  
  Work Out Together. Find out what each others' physical limitations are and what you enjoy doing. See how your partner handles a physical challenge and how you can encourage each other. Sam and I love to bike ride together. He knows that he's going to make it up that hill a lot faster than I am, and he's patient with me as he waits a minute or two for me to meet him there! I love it when Sam comes to the pool at the gym with me; however, I have to be much more patient with him since he's not the best swimmer! I love his company, though. (On another note, I still don't understand how the man can't float!) When we go walking together, Sam knows that I love to walk really fast. He hates walking fast and would rather jog or run. So, at the gym, we start off together, and then he's off jogging, and I'm walking my heart out (and trying to walk my ass off!). We just listen to our music on our own, have a little alone time, and smile at each other when we pass one another.


• Cook Together. Everyone has their own technique for cooking. Sam and I make broccoli in so many different ways, for instance. We have our own way of making mac & cheese (we agree mine is better!) and so many other foods. Watching each other cook is a learning experience. Often, though, we make foods that are team efforts, so this can build your relationship. We make side dishes and pies on Thanksgiving - so we're usually in the kitchen all day that Wednesday. We have to have a plan and help each other. This is a great way to find out more about each other.

• Buy a Big Item - Go Ahead Spend Some Money! Oh, this is a fun one! Buy some furniture together, or a new TV, a new car, or a new computer. Shop for a new bedframe and mattress or even rings for your big day. It's always a good idea to practice making big financial decisions together. I like to pay things off right away and save the money on interest. Sam, however, is more used to making small payments and paying something off slowly. Making a budget, figuring out what you can and cannot afford, and prioritizing big expenses is a challenge for couples. Like I've mentioned before in another blog post, we are a generation of "I want what I want when I want it! I cannot delay gratification!" So, having your partner be a sounding board and a voice of reason will help you not go overboard. It's been interesting for us to reason through our remodeling. We know it's expensive, but we're also trying to do it on our own, and we figure it will add value to the house, while allowing us to enjoy the house and stay in it longer - therefore saving more money down the road! Planning and listening to each other is vital for handling finances.
  
  Plan a Wedding TOGETHER. There's nothing like going through all the decision making and stress I've referred to in other posts WITH your partner. This is not the bride's big day - it's OUR big day! He should have a say! Whether he wants to or not, he's going to participate! I don't want all the stress on me, and this is his wedding, too. So, include your man in planning all the shenanigans!

• Go to the Doctor's Office Together. Men do NOT like the doctor. Men do NOT ask questions when they go. Going together lets you know how the other person thinks about and handles health. I went to the dentist with Sam last year. The man had no idea what questions to ask, and he didn't seem to worry about anything. I was in the corner taking notes (yes, literally!) and asking question after question! Sam was somewhat impressed by my attention to detail; I was NOT impressed by his lack of inquisition! I deeply care about Sam's health, and I think it's important that he know that. One day, I know he'll be at the doctor's office with me, and I'm sure he'll care about my health as much as I do mine and as much as I do his. It's always good to have another set of ears anyway!

• Endure Life's Trials and Tribulations. This is the only suggestion that is out of your hands. It's one of those times that you hope never happens, but you also need to see how you handle really emotional and difficult times. Unfortunately, my family has seen it's share of disappointments. Fortunately, Sam has been there for all of them, and he's held my hand and held me up when I needed him. He's been understanding when I couldn't give him the attention he deserved since I was attending to my family. And, equally, I've been there for him in times of frustration and anxiety. We know we can count on each other, and that's huge. There were times when my family was in deep crisis, and he supported me. When he was studying for the bar, when he was looking for a job, when my back went out, when he had his wisdom teeth out, when I was studying for my licensing exam, and a few other times, we've shown each other that we can be there, unconditionally! He even ran a truck into my car and damaged my bumper, but I took a deep breath, realized he didn't mean it, and got over it! (He plans on having that fixed soon . . . I'm just waiting for that to happen!)

I'd love to hear your comments if you have any other MUSTS before "I Do!" Practicing being married to Sam has been the best. It's been stressful, but it's been fun. I can't wait to really be married to him!