The Look

Well, apparently, my feelings and thoughts have hit quite a nerve with some readers. If you're not sure what I'm referring to, see the comments section under the post entitled "Weddings. . . Plus, Plus." I invite any comments, positive or negative, to start a dialogue about topics addressed here on this blog. Friends have started discussions with their significant others and their families, and I think it's great to just consider these topics and these issues. So, I want to send a shout-out to "Confused Reader in Up-state New York" (here on after referred to as CRUSNY) for disagreeing with me and saying so! Let's here it for CRUSNY for being so honest and proving that we, as a culture/society, should be questioning our traditions!

I'd like to touch on a different topic today. Let's talk about beauty. Oh, the joy of trying to look a certain way for your wedding day! Seriously, the wedding industry has done a number on women - making us feel like we have to look so beautiful, so pretty, better than we've ever looked before. The pain and inconvenience we go through to have that perfect look on our wedding day is quite ridiculous, don't you think?

Should I grow out my hair long, or should it be cut short? Should I wear it curly or straight? Should I wear it up or down? What if I choose the wrong way? Should I whiten my teeth? Should I get a tan? Should I get my eyebrows waxed and shaped? How much weight can I lose before the big day? When can I go get another manicure/pedicure? Will this scar be seen? Do I want a shiny look or a matte look from my make-up? What if I break out and am covered in zits on the wedding day? What bra will be the most comfortable yet supportive? How tight can I get those Spanx to be without suffocating me? . . . and so on!

All of this concern and care for one day - a day when you should be more focused on looking like yourself, the woman your fiance fell in love with. My only wish is that my look show how truly happy I am. At a recent shower, one of my cousins said she's never seen me look happier. That's the best compliment, right? That she can tell how happy I feel at this exciting time in my life, that I can celebrate my upcoming marriage with so many close friends and family, that I am looking forward to spending my life with Sam? That's the best part. (No, that's not me in the picture shown!)

I know that I will continue to feel stressed out about the look, mostly because I am not one to enjoy everyone's eyes on me. Yet, I hope to start focusing on the big picture and stop letting this wedding industry (that wants to make me - and other women- feel like we're not pretty enough for this attention) take hold of me! Sam loves me as I am - with no make-up on, with hair a mess, in pajamas or sweats, stinking of chlorine from the pool, or dripping with sweat after a bike ride. It won't matter, at the end of the day, how much I stressed over my look. He'll think I'm pretty, and he'll love me, and he'll be my husband. So, I'm gonna go ahead and get over it! Maybe some of you other brides will try to do the same! :)

M-R-S. Explained

I'm back on my soapbox with some interesting information. Since I'm not changing my last name when I marry, there's a question as to whether I will be "Mrs." or "Ms." I thought I'd write a little bit about the history of these two titles to explain my feelings on this topic and decisions I've made about who the hell I am when I get married. (Who knew saying "Yes" to a proposal would have me questioning who I want to be and how I want to be called after the arbitrary date we picked to get married because it worked for our schedules and for the rabbi's?).

I'm going to ignore the entire subject of "Miss" being used as a title, as it doesn't apply to this discussion. But, I don't want to leave it out, as it has been used as my title for many years in my younger teaching days. So, there's the title Miss for young ladies. It often denotes an unmarried lady. Why anyone needs to know if you're married or not, I don't know, so (like I said) I am going to move on past it.

The mix up of the titles Ms. and Mrs. is purely based on unawareness - just lack of being taught the difference. Don't worry if this is you - I will solve this problem now. Mrs. is the contraction of the word "Mistress." It was originally used as the feminine form of "Mister" or "Master" and was used for both married and unmarried women until the 17th century. It was then that "Miss" was used for unmarried women and "Mrs." was used for married women. It also came to mean "the wife of" so that Mrs. John Smith is "the wife of John Smith." Again, this is somewhat representative of "property of John Smith." Some sources would say that "Ms." would be used for a woman you don't know much about and therefore don't know if she's married or not (you can't go wrong with this title).

Ms. became a universal title for all women near the 1960's, as many women wanted to have a title that universally applied to women without implying marital status - as "Mr." is used for males. For this reason, I prefer the term "Ms." for all women. Not only does it provide equal titles for men and women, but it also helps keep women safe. If a piece of mail is delivered to Miss Lastname, it may imply she's a single woman. "Ms." protects a woman who lives alone, is elderly, is widowed, is married, etc. It's just all-encompassing - without divulging unnecessary information!



I suppose what irks me the most is this big question: Why does my marital status need to be published by a title used before my name? Why is this anyone's business at all? I am in NO WAY ashamed of becoming a married woman, and I'd happily tell anyone that I am married. But, men don't go through life having to decide whether or not to use "Mr." or "Msr." or some other weird title to their unchanged name. Why should women have to think about this? Again, are we not past this inequality? I just don't think it's fair or equal. (Interestingly, if there's a title "Dr." or "Rabbi" or "Rev." or "Judge," these are equal for both sexes. Many people would think they are men, though, right?? Just something to ponder.)

This topic came up once at a couples' dinner with our friends. Sam later asked me, if I'm not changing my last name to his, what AM I doing to show I'm a married woman? "Oh, wow... he went there, huh?!" I thought. I replied, very calmly I might add, "What are you doing to show you're a married man?" He told me he was wearing a ring. "So am I! Two of them, actually!" I answered. (Great answer, I know!)

Well, this conversation brings me to my (almost-)final thoughts. What am I sacrificing for Sam in this marriage if I don't change my name or go by a married title? Well, I see it this way: I am not sacrificing anything, nor should I have to. He shouldn't either. Our decision to get married should purely be about wanting to spend our lives together. I'm sharing my life with him - do I need to share a name or change to a "socially-dictated" title? I'm sharing my deepest thoughts, my bed, my body, my dreams, my plans, my family with him. And, he's doing the same. And, I love that!

Let me end this entry by saying this: I honestly don't care what someone calls me: Miss, Ms., Mrs.... I really don't care. To me, the whole title thing is stupid and silly. So, if you have a preference about it that differs than mine, I really don't care. It would be nice if we all just KNEW what these titles mean before using them ignorantly or irresponsibly. I'd love it if all women were referred to with the title "Ms." for all the reasons listed above this paragraph, but I'm okay with whatever you want to call me. I know who I am, and I realize the limitations of our (misogynistic/unfair/tainted/ignorant/sexist?) society. Married or not, I am who I am!

Wedding. . . "Plus, Plus"

In today's blog, I have just a couple of questions about the absurd costs associated with planning a wedding. Everyone knows weddings cost a lot. It's a common complaint. I get that. Those who know that are usually frustrated with spending money on invitations they know will be trashed or on hair andmake-up that will be washed away by the end of the night. There are many friends and family to pay for - you want to celebrate with so many people! What I don't understand is the unnecessary upcharges applied to practically everything! Here are just a few of my general complaints:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

• Why is there an automatic gratuity applied to everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, including staging for a band, the use of a microphone for the rabbi, the delivery of the cake, etc.)? This gratuity is not just any 15-20%; we're talking at least 24% on everything! Plus tax? That's alotta freakin' mulah! (Interestingly, these people don't even say the numbers they are talking about anymore. They use the terms "plus, plus" to remind you (if you're lucky) about these costs.)
• Why must we pay a gratuity PLUS delivery fees? So, you're going to tax me, add a delivery charge, and apply a gratuity? Just because you know that I want to relax on my wedding day and not pick up my own cake or flowers? You know I want to have it all done for me, so please add on a set-up charge!
• Why do I need to provide a meal for my vendors? Vendor meals are ridiculous in my mind. I understand they are working through a dinner hour, and I understand they work hard and get hungry. By no means am I misunderstanding their jobs; my sister sings in a band and deserves great treatment. Yet, I work hard and get hungry; I work through lunch (on occassion breakfast and even dinner). No one ever caters or brings me a meal at work. If I want to eat, I bring a lunch or pay for one! Lots of us have jobs where we work during mealtime. My brother, a doctor, often has surgeries that could last hours. No one comes to provide a meal to him while he's in the operating room. What is this about vendor meals?! Eat before you get there and bring a sack snack if you get hungry!
• Why does the word "wedding" automatically allow you to add on an unruly amount of money? A "birthday" cake that feeds hundreds of people would not cost the same as a "wedding" cake that feeds hundreds of people - and you know it! Admit it!
• Why do you need to charge me to use something that you have sitting in a storage closet? I need an easel at my wedding - "that will be $__, plus, plus." I need to use the sound system at rehearsal dinner - "that will be $___, plus, plus." I need a screen also - "that will be $__ plus, plus." (Remember, they're going to tax you and add on an insane gratuity = plus, plus.) I realize I might be paying for the set up of these items, but seriously, you're going to charge me for just bringing the easel to the ballroom? You're going to charge me for a sound system that you use regularly? I'll set up the damn screen myself! Chances are, you'll see an unexpected "set-up" charge in addition to the "rental" of these items that would otherwise be sitting in a damn closet. What is this REALLY ABOUT?!

That's all! Just had to vent a little about the unnessary charges and costs incured by "I Do!" It's about time we, as a society, stand up to these crazy, outrageous charges and say, "I Don't" get it!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Cooking Up Fun

For my birthday last month, Sam bought us two tickets to a cooking class. We've taken cooking classes together before, and we enjoy cooking and learning new recipes and tricks for the kitchen. Today we went to the class and enjoyed learning Southern Cooking - fried chicken, mashed potatoes, collard greens, cornbread, and banana pudding from scratch. Yum! We met some other couple's and enjoyed talking and cooking with new friends.


What I love about cooking is that you can always try again if you mess it up the first time. It's always a learning experience. Mostly, the chemistry of cooking is so intriguing to me. Keeping grated or cubed potatoes in water until ready to cook helps keep them from browning; cooking root vegetables in cool water first will help the outside not cook before the inside; pouring milk slowly into the flour helps keep the lumps away. We also loved learning new ways to use knives better.

One of my hopes is that Sam and I will become great cooks, chefs, bakers together. We love to eat, we love to entertain and serve our guests, and we love to enjoy each other's company in the kitchen. There's always more to learn and more to try. Thanks, Sam, for my very creative and fun birthday gift. I look forward to "getting hot in the kitchen with you" for many years to come! ;)

The Nesting Itch

I've lived in my house for over 2 and a half years. I bought this house on my own, but I bought it with the idea that one day Sam would live here with me. I bought it with the idea that I'd one day have a baby live in it with us. The house was just perfect for all of this! Apparently, though, I've turned into the typical homeowner as I look around the house wanting to change this and improve that. Sam and I have all these projects on our to-do list and wonder when any of it will get done. There are two big obstacles to getting these tasks accomplished: money and time! I know I'm not alone in this issue - we all want bigger, newer, more efficient. My wishlist includes new counters, a larger bath tub, a deck outside, new flooring, an updated rangetop, and all the little fixes around the house. If only we could afford these things! I look back at how I felt when I bought my house, just excited to have a house to call mine with a lawn and trees out front and in back, a two-car garage, high ceilings, a utility room, etc. What happened to the excitement and the joy I had with the novelty of my house!?

I realize I am part of a generation that wants immediate gratification. There is a sense of entitlement to have what we want when we want it. We don't have time to wait our turns. My generation can't listen to a long, drawn out story; we have no patience for slow drivers; we even get upset when the high-speed internet takes too long to load a webpage! So, it's no wonder I want my house to "keep up" with my changing life! The problem is there's this ITCH to do something to cross off something on my wishlist. Mom calls it nesting. I know what she means - it's preparing to feel nestled into my house to begin my new family with Sam. It's wanting to add value to my home so one day we can sell it and move to something else (bigger, better?).

We can all dream, right?! We're considering lots of things we could do to change the house and to cross off a wishlist item while not breaking the bank. Yet. . . Breaking the bank? What the heck am I talking about?! We don't have a freakin' bank to break - we have no money! What the hell am I talking about? We can't even think about it.

So, we'll do it ourselves, right? Yeah, that was a GREAT idea. Mom reminded me that two summers ago, Sam and I painted the kitchen on our own. Although our relationship survived that project, it was not easy. If you've ever done a house project with your partner, you totally know what I'm talking about! Taking on a new project now, before or right after our wedding is NOT the best time to take on the possible arguing and disagreements.

I need to stop living in this immediate gratification kind of world. We don't need to "keep up with the Jones's" or any other family! We just need to do the best we can do to stay happy, healthy, financially responsible, and comfortable. I'm not giving up on my ideas, I just need to slow it down. Don't be in such a hurry. It will happen one day, right? So, my itch will just have to continue without a scratch! But, man, it's such an itch!

What's In a Name?

"That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." (Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet)

When I was in ninth grade, I read and fell in love with Romeo & Juliet. I was asked to memorize part of the play, and I chose one of the most famous poems of the play. You know, the one that starts, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" I later wrote my own poem entitled "What's In a Name?" when my mother married my step-dad and changed her last name to her new husband's name. I wrote the poem to help me, a 15 year old sophomore, cope with the fact that my mother's new married name would be different than mine. I suggested in this poem that a name means nothing; it's just a label.

Now that it's my turn to "change my name," I'm not so sure a name means nothing. No, this doesn't mean I'm upset that my mom changed her name or wish she had done otherwise. It just means I'm not so sure a name is meaningless. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," and as Mom says, I'll always be Amber to her. But, I have some other thoughts about this topic, so buckle up and get ready for my strong opinions.

I was given a name at birth that I've grown to know and like. It's not a glamorous name; it's not a great sounding name; it's not even a name that I absolutely love. It's just a name that I know and like. It's who I know myself as. It's the name I went to school with - from 3 years old to 24 years old. It's the name with which I've earned a diploma and 3 degrees. It's the name my employer hired me with over 5 years ago. It's the name my students know me as, and the name I've built a good reputation with in a local community. It's the name I had when Sam fell in love with me. So, why, then, would I change it?

Here are two better questions: Why should I be expected to change my name? Why should I feel like I need to change it?

These questions have provoked many discussions between Sam and me (some of them heated, some of them not). It's caused quite the political debate between many friends and family members as well. My take on it, ladies and gentlemen, is quite consistent with my other beliefs. And, my point in saying all of this is not to persuade anyone to think like I do or to promote any way of thinking for others (although, it's hard to argue with me on this one!). If you take the time, as I think all brides AND GROOMS should, to really think about this and research some history on the matter, you will learn that the origin of a bride taking her groom's name is based on ownership. Yes, you read correctly: OOOWWWNERRRRSHIPPPPPPP! A girl is born to her father and is given his name; he OWNS her. She is his property. Granted, boys are born to their fathers and they are "owned" also - his property. Here, we are all the same and are subject to the equal fate (at least in this culture; yes, it's different in other cultures!). Yet, when a girl grows up, becomes a woman, and is married, she is given her husband's last name because he now OWNS her.

What messages underlie this demeaning tradition? Women are not worthy of keeping their own names; women are not as important as men; men work harder then women and should be given the luxury of keeping their names; a woman's pre-marriage name is unimportant. I could go on and on! What is this about? Have we not advanced farther than this, ladies (and gentlemen)? In my opinion, the day that people stop asking "What's your new name going to be?" it will be equal to women getting the right to vote.

I have decided to keep my birth name. That's right. I'm not changing it. See, in this "getting married," process, I've gotten a big dose of reality. What I've seen and heard is that: younger women seem to say, "GOOD FOR YOU, Amber! Go you!" (although they have no plans to keep their own name when they marry, or they are already married and changed theirs); older women question me more about the logistics (What about your kids? What if someone calls you the wrong name? Will you correct them? What if they call him by your last name? Will he be upset?); and men think I'm being difficult.

Don't get me wrong. I offered to change my name. I offered to change it to something new and different, and I asked Sam to change his name with me. I thought it would be great - we would be a completely different name, our own new family with our own new identity. He just wouldn't have it! No way! Once he felt the strong rejection of this idea, he understood where I was coming from. I was willing to change my name, but only if we were doing it together, only if it was going to be equal. If not, then why should I sacrifice my beliefs, my time and energy with the bureaucracy of changing my name, my identity?

So, ladies, all I ask is that you consider all of these issues. I realize it's going to be difficult when we have kids and they possibly have different surnames than me (or Sam?), and I realize I may have to politely correct people. Sam understands that he'll be called Mr. Mylastname, but he's okay with that (cause he's a really great guy!), and he knows it's confusing, as do I. I just feel that I'm not comfortable with changing my name (and YES, I reserve the right to change my name after I'm married!) just because I agreed to be a married woman; I'm not comfortable with getting mail or invitations where my name appears nowhere on the envelope because my name will be replaced with Mr. and Mrs. Sam Hislastname (where is Amber at all!?!).

People say it's confusing. It's ALWAYS confusing. I tried to get the initials of my bridesmaids today. I text-messaged the married ones about which initials they use, and I got three different answers. One said she kept her original middle name, one said she kept her maiden name as her middle name and dropped her given middle name, and one went back and forth! So, don't tell me I'M being confusing to people. And, if this whole name-change idea wasn't an issue, NO ONE WOULD BE CONFUSED, including these married women (who say they don't even know what their names are anymore!). And, one last thing: if you're confused, I DON'T CARE. The point is, I am NOT confused, and I feel confident in my decision. So if men are threatened by all this discussion, I'm not sorry. It's time we, as a society, question and change this tradition and stop this insanity!

I will not stop thinking this way, but I WILL step off my soapbox.

Tasting, Planning, and Not Even Knowing

So, we just got back from the hotel where we tasted and planned and planned while we tasted. It actually, believe it or not, took 4 hours to decide what we wanted to serve the night of the wedding, how the rooms would be set up, and the timing of the event. Let's just get a brief overview of the questions we needed to address while we were there: will we need chairs in the room for signing the ketubah, will we sit or stand while we sign, will there be a table for my bridal portrait, where will the musicians sit during the ceremony, how do you want the napkins on the table folded, where will pictures be taken, where will seating cards be located, is there a gift table, where do you want the cake set up, what time do you want to do the hora, are there armchairs for the hora, where will we get our make-up and hair done, what will we be serving the vendors for dinner, where can they eat, where will the "holding room" be before the wedding, how many people will be on "stage" at the ceremony, what size is the table under the chuppah, how sturdy is the easel that the ketubah will be displayed on, which door do you want to go through when you leave/when you enter/when you are announced, where will the bars be located, what time will the bar be open, when will this headache go away!?

Who knew? Who knew it could be so exhausting and take such a long, tedious time to nail down all the details? Here's a better question. . . who knew there would be so many details to nail down!? The only reason a lot of this bugs me at all is that I really don't care about a lot of the details. I realize many brides would be nervous and anxious that everything is in the right place, on time, perfectly served, etc, but I just don't care about most of this. Yep, there's that word "MOST" of it. I suppose there are things I DO care about, and the coordinator, my mom, my sister, my groom, etc. don't know what I do and don't care about, so they have to treat everything as if I deeply, passionately care about every detail. I just feel entirely indecisive when I don't care. And, of course, most people are looking to me, the bride, to make all of these decisions. If I don't care about most of those details (like how high the guest sign-in table is), and everyone is looking at me to decide, and I say I don't care, then I'm a horrible bride! When, in all honesty, I just want to have someone else choose so I can enjoy the wedding, the beginning of my marriage (you know, the actual important part of this whole thing - the marriage, remember that!?).

The whole culture of weddings is so interesting to me. Here's an interesting story to prove my point about how society views brides in the wedding planning process AND in the marriage: Sam and I had a couple's shower on a Friday night. On Monday following the shower, we went to a local favorite restaurant to sit and write our thank you cards together. In my opinion, this is a bonding experience and a great way to share the joy and responsibility of receiving a gift. But, one of the restaurant employees (quite possibly the manager!) walked past our table, realizing what we were doing, and said, "She's got you doing that!?" To which, Sam chuckled. I got quiet; Sam asked what was wrong, and I told him how annoying that kind of thinking is. God forbid a couple share the responsibility of thanking their friends and family for gifts given to BOTH of them! It MUST be a woman's idea that the man help, right!? Seriously!?! It wouldn't (and couldn't) be the man's idea to help out!! NO WAY!

This whole story, if you haven't gotten it, is to just ask that you consider that not all brides, not all women, are bridezillas or care about all these details. Not all women have been planning their weddings since they were born; not all women are in charge of "all things wedding" like writing thank you notes; not all brides know the answers to these questions or have even considered the questions! Not all brides want to take over and not let their fiances have a voice. Just consider that weddings should be a joint effort. It's not MY day we're planning, and the attention shouldn't be all on ME. I hate that expression that many brides have heard, "It's your day; it's whatever you want!" I believe it's "OUR" day, his just as much as mine. So, stop looking at me to know all the answers to these questions. Stop thinking I'm beating my fiance into submission to write thank you notes. (He's just a good guy!!) Stop assuming it matters to me. Because, in the end, I want to be married to Sam, and in the end, I will be!

Oh, the Drama

Engagement is a funny thing. It's incredibly exciting, and everyone is happy for you. I'm happy for me. I'm happy for Sam. It's one of those fun times where you get lots of attention for doing absolutely nothing but falling in love. Lots of attention. For someone who doesn't need a lot of attention to function well, this was quite a change. Not only do I not need the attention, but I don't need the attention to detail that inevitably becomes the drama! No one tells you that engagement is full of dramatic decisions, dramatic discussions, dramatic emotions. So many things to think about that you otherwise would care less about: who's on the guest list, what should the invitations look like, does he/she get a date, how many bridesmaids is too many, where should all these people sit, where should the groomsmen stand, what if that person doesn't get along with that person, how do I tell her she's not invited, what if that dress looks horrible on her, what do you want the flowergirl to wear, should we really spend money on napkins, what about the damn chair covers, will the chuppah be big enough for all of us to stand under, what if it falls on top of us, won't my dress wrinkle when I lift it to walk around Sam, where should we get the portraits taken, what if it's too hot in August for portraits, will my hair look okay, did everyone make their hotel reservations, who gets a hospitality bag, can we cut them from rehearsal dinner, do I want an aisle runner, is the font on the program too small, and SOOOOOOOOOOO on! That doesn't even include the PERTINENT questions for the MARRIAGE: should we have a joint account, should I add you to my insurance, will we pay taxes jointly or not, will I change my name, where will we spend holidays, how will we share time with our families?

Once someone finds out your engaged, they want to know where it is, when it is, are you done planning, are you SO excited?! I actually went to try on dresses for rehearsal dinner a few weeks ago, and the lady helping me asked if I was done planning. I told her we were still working on a few details and minor touches, but mostly we were done. I went on to say how glad I was that the planning is almost over, and I can't wait to just enjoy being married after the wedding. Her response was so typical: "Oh, honey, this is the best time of your life. Planning your wedding is so exciting; there's nothing better. You should enjoy every minute of it." I replied to her, "Yeah, I just can't wait to relax and enjoy my husband without the drama of the planning." She insisted that I needed to be having more fun planning, to which I replied, "Yeah, it's just not that fun!" I was so annoyed with her by the time I left the store. Planning a big event like a wedding is stressful and can be dramatic - what doesn't she get?! I know it will all be worth it in the end, we'll have this amazing weekend and we'll be so glad we spent time planning a beautiful event (that often left us sleepless and frustrated along the way), but just acknowledge the fact that the details have been so dramatic; the people have been so dramatic; the emotions have been so dramatic. Just at least acknowledge the stress!

To Blot or Not to Blog

Blog? What is this blog idea that everyone, strangers and non-strangers alike, can be invited to know my thoughts? Does anyone even care what I have to say, how I feel, what I think? If you do, I don't know whether to say, "Thanks!" or "Get a life!" Either way, I've decided I should just give it a shot. I'm a writer at heart. I love to write and use words to convey a feeling, get rid of a feeling, or thrive on a feeling. Why not use this public venue to discuss one of the most sacred, private relationships - that of husband and wife? Why not share with the world my feelings about marriage and this whole "getting married" process? I call this site "Journey to the Knot" in the hopes that it will also later include a journey to the nest, the bump, and so many other blessings that will come during my life.

Here's to hoping the journey to blogging is not difficult, in vain, or misunderstood!