When I was in ninth grade, I read and fell in love with Romeo & Juliet. I was asked to memorize part of the play, and I chose one of the most famous poems of the play. You know, the one that starts, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" I later wrote my own poem entitled "What's In a Name?" when my mother married my step-dad and changed her last name to her new husband's name. I wrote the poem to help me, a 15 year old sophomore, cope with the fact that my mother's new married name would be different than mine. I suggested in this poem that a name means nothing; it's just a label.
Now that it's my turn to "change my name," I'm not so sure a name means nothing. No, this doesn't mean I'm upset that my mom changed her name or wish she had done otherwise. It just means I'm not so sure a name is meaningless. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," and as Mom says, I'll always be Amber to her. But, I have some other thoughts about this topic, so buckle up and get ready for my strong opinions.
I was given a name at birth that I've grown to know and like. It's not a glamorous name; it's not a great sounding name; it's not even a name that I absolutely love. It's just a name that I know and like. It's who I know myself as. It's the name I went to school with - from 3 years old to 24 years old. It's the name with which I've earned a diploma and 3 degrees. It's the name my employer hired me with over 5 years ago. It's the name my students know me as, and the name I've built a good reputation with in a local community. It's the name I had when Sam fell in love with me. So, why, then, would I change it?
Here are two better questions: Why should I be expected to change my name? Why should I feel like I need to change it?
These questions have provoked many discussions between Sam and me (some of them heated, some of them not). It's caused quite the political debate between many friends and family members as well. My take on it, ladies and gentlemen, is quite consistent with my other beliefs. And, my point in saying all of this is not to persuade anyone to think like I do or to promote any way of thinking for others (although, it's hard to argue with me on this one!). If you take the time, as I think all brides AND GROOMS should, to really think about this and research some history on the matter, you will learn that the origin of a bride taking her groom's name is based on ownership. Yes, you read correctly: OOOWWWNERRRRSHIPPPPPPP! A girl is born to her father and is given his name; he OWNS her. She is his property. Granted, boys are born to their fathers and they are "owned" also - his property. Here, we are all the same and are subject to the equal fate (at least in this culture; yes, it's different in other cultures!). Yet, when a girl grows up, becomes a woman, and is married, she is given her husband's last name because he now OWNS her.
What messages underlie this demeaning tradition? Women are not worthy of keeping their own names; women are not as important as men; men work harder then women and should be given the luxury of keeping their names; a woman's pre-marriage name is unimportant. I could go on and on! What is this about? Have we not advanced farther than this, ladies (and gentlemen)? In my opinion, the day that people stop asking "What's your new name going to be?" it will be equal to women getting the right to vote.
I have decided to keep my birth name. That's right. I'm not changing it. See, in this "getting married," process, I've gotten a big dose of reality. What I've seen and heard is that: younger women seem to say, "GOOD FOR YOU, Amber! Go you!" (although they have no plans to keep their own name when they marry, or they are already married and changed theirs); older women question me more about the logistics (What about your kids? What if someone calls you the wrong name? Will you correct them? What if they call him by your last name? Will he be upset?); and men think I'm being difficult.
Don't get me wrong. I offered to change my name. I offered to change it to something new and different, and I asked Sam to change his name with me. I thought it would be great - we would be a completely different name, our own new family with our own new identity. He just wouldn't have it! No way! Once he felt the strong rejection of this idea, he understood where I was coming from. I was willing to change my name, but only if we were doing it together, only if it was going to be equal. If not, then why should I sacrifice my beliefs, my time and energy with the bureaucracy of changing my name, my identity?
So, ladies, all I ask is that you consider all of these issues. I realize it's going to be difficult when we have kids and they possibly have different surnames than me (or Sam?), and I realize I may have to politely correct people. Sam understands that he'll be called Mr. Mylastname, but he's okay with that (cause he's a really great guy!), and he knows it's confusing, as do I. I just feel that I'm not comfortable with changing my name (and YES, I reserve the right to change my name after I'm married!) just because I agreed to be a married woman; I'm not comfortable with getting mail or invitations where my name appears nowhere on the envelope because my name will be replaced with Mr. and Mrs. Sam Hislastname (where is Amber at all!?!).
People say it's confusing. It's ALWAYS confusing. I tried to get the initials of my bridesmaids today. I text-messaged the married ones about which initials they use, and I got three different answers. One said she kept her original middle name, one said she kept her maiden name as her middle name and dropped her given middle name, and one went back and forth! So, don't tell me I'M being confusing to people. And, if this whole name-change idea wasn't an issue, NO ONE WOULD BE CONFUSED, including these married women (who say they don't even know what their names are anymore!). And, one last thing: if you're confused, I DON'T CARE. The point is, I am NOT confused, and I feel confident in my decision. So if men are threatened by all this discussion, I'm not sorry. It's time we, as a society, question and change this tradition and stop this insanity!
I will not stop thinking this way, but I WILL step off my soapbox.
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