Tasting, Planning, and Not Even Knowing

So, we just got back from the hotel where we tasted and planned and planned while we tasted. It actually, believe it or not, took 4 hours to decide what we wanted to serve the night of the wedding, how the rooms would be set up, and the timing of the event. Let's just get a brief overview of the questions we needed to address while we were there: will we need chairs in the room for signing the ketubah, will we sit or stand while we sign, will there be a table for my bridal portrait, where will the musicians sit during the ceremony, how do you want the napkins on the table folded, where will pictures be taken, where will seating cards be located, is there a gift table, where do you want the cake set up, what time do you want to do the hora, are there armchairs for the hora, where will we get our make-up and hair done, what will we be serving the vendors for dinner, where can they eat, where will the "holding room" be before the wedding, how many people will be on "stage" at the ceremony, what size is the table under the chuppah, how sturdy is the easel that the ketubah will be displayed on, which door do you want to go through when you leave/when you enter/when you are announced, where will the bars be located, what time will the bar be open, when will this headache go away!?

Who knew? Who knew it could be so exhausting and take such a long, tedious time to nail down all the details? Here's a better question. . . who knew there would be so many details to nail down!? The only reason a lot of this bugs me at all is that I really don't care about a lot of the details. I realize many brides would be nervous and anxious that everything is in the right place, on time, perfectly served, etc, but I just don't care about most of this. Yep, there's that word "MOST" of it. I suppose there are things I DO care about, and the coordinator, my mom, my sister, my groom, etc. don't know what I do and don't care about, so they have to treat everything as if I deeply, passionately care about every detail. I just feel entirely indecisive when I don't care. And, of course, most people are looking to me, the bride, to make all of these decisions. If I don't care about most of those details (like how high the guest sign-in table is), and everyone is looking at me to decide, and I say I don't care, then I'm a horrible bride! When, in all honesty, I just want to have someone else choose so I can enjoy the wedding, the beginning of my marriage (you know, the actual important part of this whole thing - the marriage, remember that!?).

The whole culture of weddings is so interesting to me. Here's an interesting story to prove my point about how society views brides in the wedding planning process AND in the marriage: Sam and I had a couple's shower on a Friday night. On Monday following the shower, we went to a local favorite restaurant to sit and write our thank you cards together. In my opinion, this is a bonding experience and a great way to share the joy and responsibility of receiving a gift. But, one of the restaurant employees (quite possibly the manager!) walked past our table, realizing what we were doing, and said, "She's got you doing that!?" To which, Sam chuckled. I got quiet; Sam asked what was wrong, and I told him how annoying that kind of thinking is. God forbid a couple share the responsibility of thanking their friends and family for gifts given to BOTH of them! It MUST be a woman's idea that the man help, right!? Seriously!?! It wouldn't (and couldn't) be the man's idea to help out!! NO WAY!

This whole story, if you haven't gotten it, is to just ask that you consider that not all brides, not all women, are bridezillas or care about all these details. Not all women have been planning their weddings since they were born; not all women are in charge of "all things wedding" like writing thank you notes; not all brides know the answers to these questions or have even considered the questions! Not all brides want to take over and not let their fiances have a voice. Just consider that weddings should be a joint effort. It's not MY day we're planning, and the attention shouldn't be all on ME. I hate that expression that many brides have heard, "It's your day; it's whatever you want!" I believe it's "OUR" day, his just as much as mine. So, stop looking at me to know all the answers to these questions. Stop thinking I'm beating my fiance into submission to write thank you notes. (He's just a good guy!!) Stop assuming it matters to me. Because, in the end, I want to be married to Sam, and in the end, I will be!