M-R-S. Explained

I'm back on my soapbox with some interesting information. Since I'm not changing my last name when I marry, there's a question as to whether I will be "Mrs." or "Ms." I thought I'd write a little bit about the history of these two titles to explain my feelings on this topic and decisions I've made about who the hell I am when I get married. (Who knew saying "Yes" to a proposal would have me questioning who I want to be and how I want to be called after the arbitrary date we picked to get married because it worked for our schedules and for the rabbi's?).

I'm going to ignore the entire subject of "Miss" being used as a title, as it doesn't apply to this discussion. But, I don't want to leave it out, as it has been used as my title for many years in my younger teaching days. So, there's the title Miss for young ladies. It often denotes an unmarried lady. Why anyone needs to know if you're married or not, I don't know, so (like I said) I am going to move on past it.

The mix up of the titles Ms. and Mrs. is purely based on unawareness - just lack of being taught the difference. Don't worry if this is you - I will solve this problem now. Mrs. is the contraction of the word "Mistress." It was originally used as the feminine form of "Mister" or "Master" and was used for both married and unmarried women until the 17th century. It was then that "Miss" was used for unmarried women and "Mrs." was used for married women. It also came to mean "the wife of" so that Mrs. John Smith is "the wife of John Smith." Again, this is somewhat representative of "property of John Smith." Some sources would say that "Ms." would be used for a woman you don't know much about and therefore don't know if she's married or not (you can't go wrong with this title).

Ms. became a universal title for all women near the 1960's, as many women wanted to have a title that universally applied to women without implying marital status - as "Mr." is used for males. For this reason, I prefer the term "Ms." for all women. Not only does it provide equal titles for men and women, but it also helps keep women safe. If a piece of mail is delivered to Miss Lastname, it may imply she's a single woman. "Ms." protects a woman who lives alone, is elderly, is widowed, is married, etc. It's just all-encompassing - without divulging unnecessary information!



I suppose what irks me the most is this big question: Why does my marital status need to be published by a title used before my name? Why is this anyone's business at all? I am in NO WAY ashamed of becoming a married woman, and I'd happily tell anyone that I am married. But, men don't go through life having to decide whether or not to use "Mr." or "Msr." or some other weird title to their unchanged name. Why should women have to think about this? Again, are we not past this inequality? I just don't think it's fair or equal. (Interestingly, if there's a title "Dr." or "Rabbi" or "Rev." or "Judge," these are equal for both sexes. Many people would think they are men, though, right?? Just something to ponder.)

This topic came up once at a couples' dinner with our friends. Sam later asked me, if I'm not changing my last name to his, what AM I doing to show I'm a married woman? "Oh, wow... he went there, huh?!" I thought. I replied, very calmly I might add, "What are you doing to show you're a married man?" He told me he was wearing a ring. "So am I! Two of them, actually!" I answered. (Great answer, I know!)

Well, this conversation brings me to my (almost-)final thoughts. What am I sacrificing for Sam in this marriage if I don't change my name or go by a married title? Well, I see it this way: I am not sacrificing anything, nor should I have to. He shouldn't either. Our decision to get married should purely be about wanting to spend our lives together. I'm sharing my life with him - do I need to share a name or change to a "socially-dictated" title? I'm sharing my deepest thoughts, my bed, my body, my dreams, my plans, my family with him. And, he's doing the same. And, I love that!

Let me end this entry by saying this: I honestly don't care what someone calls me: Miss, Ms., Mrs.... I really don't care. To me, the whole title thing is stupid and silly. So, if you have a preference about it that differs than mine, I really don't care. It would be nice if we all just KNEW what these titles mean before using them ignorantly or irresponsibly. I'd love it if all women were referred to with the title "Ms." for all the reasons listed above this paragraph, but I'm okay with whatever you want to call me. I know who I am, and I realize the limitations of our (misogynistic/unfair/tainted/ignorant/sexist?) society. Married or not, I am who I am!