2-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
Today, you are 2 months old.. months... plural! I can't believe how fast time is flying. I feel as though time is speeding by much faster than it did when Banner was your age. At that time, I felt like I was still living one long day - but now we definitely have starts and stops to our days, even though you are still waking up at night for feedings. Perhaps Banner's schedule makes me feel like yours just fits right in (even though you're not really on a schedule yet). You definitely fit right into our family, and this adjustment has been so easy. Physically, it's difficult to attend to two children at a time, and I always experience some kind of guilt when tending to one child and having the other wait, but mostly, having you join our family has been seamless.

I fall in love with you so much each day. Your sweet smiles ignite a deep love as I see that little sweet personality unfolding and revealing itself. Your eyes have stayed a beautiful blue so far, and your coos are the sweetest, softest sounds that melt Daddy and me. You even kind of coo through some of your cries, and it's both the saddest and most precious thing ever. We just started listening to your lullaby mix at night, and the past three nights of singing and humming them to you bring huge tears that stream down my face as I embrace the quiet night with you. Last night, you were having trouble falling asleep when Daddy was putting you to bed, so I came in to help (you do seem to do better for me right now). You instantly quieted and closed your eyes. I thought you were asleep after a few minutes, but then you opened your eyes wide and were very alert. You smiled a big smile at me - several of them actually. I told you how much I loved you - again and again, and you kept smiling. It was like you were saying "Goodnight, Mommy! I love you, too!" after a long day away from each other. (I had been subbing all day, and this was the longest day we have been apart.) I wept, Quinn! I wept and wept for loving you so much and just wanting you to be safe and sound. Man, do I love you fiercely!

So, what have you been up to this month?

-Like I said above, you smile! You coo! I definitely got your first smile at 4 weeks old, but those were few and far between. You started smiling more at 5 weeks, which is when you first smiled at Daddy. And, by 6 & 7 weeks, you have been smiling various times throughout the day! By 8 weeks, now, I have felt that maybe you were about to laugh, but I haven't heard a real one yet.

-You have been eating about 4 ounces every 3 hours during the day. Just recently, you seem hungrier. We bumped you up to 4.5 ounces last week, and the past couple days we've been experimenting with 5 ounce bottles.

-You slept 8 hours last night: 8:00pm-4:10am. Then, you slept from about 5:15-8:45am. I'm hoping the 8 hour stretch continues and gets even longer!

-Naps are difficult right now. You love to be held, and once I put you down when you fall asleep, you wake up either right away or 25-30 minutes later. But, you are taking about 4 naps a day. Other than trying to get anything done while holding you for your naps, the hardest part of the nap "schedule" is trying to NOT let you nap too close to your bedtime. Your bedtime got earlier and earlier this month. We now start bath at 6:45 every night - sometimes 6:30. You love your bath time, so I like to bathe you each night, although we only use soap every other night. Then, Daddy or I give you a bottle and then try to get you down for the night - which can be difficult if you are overtired. You fight it, but then you typically sleep pretty great after that.

-Speaking of sleep, we have been putting you to sleep on your tummy. You sleep much longer this way. I'm constantly checking on you because we're really supposed to put you to sleep on your back, which is safer, but you love your tummy so much more. And, you've been so congested at night, sleeping on your back helps you breathe better since all that mucus at the back of your throat stays less in your way.

-Your right eye is looking better - a LOT better! Less gunky, not green anymore, and tearing a lot less. From time to time, your eyelids look red or swollen, so I'm not over my concern yet, but it's definitely better and less bothersome to both you and to me!

-Events this month: You had your first Halloween this month, as well as your first "play dates!" You first "played" with Blakely G. and Andrew L., and then the same week, you had a play date with Noah L. We had Marin's 3rd birthday party, you went to your first Race for the Cure walk, you went to Truck Time, and you went to the Arboretum to see all the pumpkins. You also had your first sleepover at Grandma and Papa's house when Daddy & I went to the State Fair with some friends.

You have become so much more alert this month! I'm so happy to see all your grins and to hear all your coos and "almost laughs!" I am so looking forward to all the changes I know this coming month will bring, but I do so love you just as you are now! Tomorrow is your naming ceremony, and I can't wait to tell you all about the significance of your name. And, Monday is your first round of shots at your 2-month well check-up*. I'm dreading that a lot, but I know you will handle it better than I will which gives me some kind of peace! :)

I love you, Quinn Redding! I hope your second month was even better than your first and that life outside the womb is getting more "normal" for you! Happy 2 Months, Sweet Boy!

Love,
Mommy

*After I published this post, you had your 2-month well check-up. It went great! Dr. B is pleased with your growth, and we are happy to report that you are a healthy baby! Other than crying/screaming through your 4 shots, you weren't bothered by Dr. B's exam at all! (You also had an oral vaccine, but you had no problem with that since the nurse just snuck that medicine in while Daddy was feeding you!)

Here are your current stats:

Weight: 12 pounds, 1.5 ounces = 60th percentile
Height: 22.5 inches = 30th percentile
Head Size: 39.25cm = 40th percentile

Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll add in:
-Size 1 Diapers
-Level 1 Nipples
-3M clothes

Halloween '13: The Story Behind the Costume

Banner is obsessed with ice cream trucks. It doesn't help that the ice cream man drives through our neighborhood almost nightly - even in the winter. Sam and I used to hear him when Banner was a newborn, and throughout the next few months, when he was more alert and sensitive to noises, we'd get so frustrated at the blaring music right at our tiny son's bedtime. And now, two years later, we are still frustrated when the ice cream truck drives down our block with the recognizable tunes playing oh-so-loudly so our dinner is often interrupted with the wide-eyed, quiet stare as Banner figures out that the truck is headed our way - and the quiet turns to "ICE CREAM TRUCK!" Sometimes Sam jumps up, grabs Banner from his chair and the couple dollars left near the front door for this specific reason, and hauls tushy out the door to try to catch (what will then become) Banner's mid-dinner dessert. The delight and excitement on Banner's face is priceless - and it kind of is on Sam's, too! Secretly, I'm pretty stoked when they catch him because I know Banner is thrilled, but I also wish the guy would just find a different neighborhood every now and then!

Like I said, he's in love with these trucks - watches videos of them on YouTube, loves to hear the "Ice Cream Truck" song that I downloaded just for him, and often takes any truck, car, or Lego for a "drive" around the "neighborhood" (our coffee table) while singing the Ice Cream Truck song himself ("Do do do do do do do do ditty doody do..."). Banner fell madly in love with his little brother when Quinn "gave" Banner a small Mater Ice Cream Truck die cast the day after Quinn was born. Two months later, and he still LOVES this toy.

One day, after Banner searched "ice cream trucks" on YouTube, he saw a little boy in a wheelchair whose costume was an ice cream truck built around the chair. It was awesome! I was jealous of this boy FOR Banner. I showed the video to Sam, thinking maybe we could do something like this for Banner for Halloween. Then I looked up more ice cream truck costumes to find a different way of creating an ice cream truck for my boy. Lo and behold, we found a very easy costume - but who has this kind of time to design/make/create a costume with a newborn at home? I figured we'd try, but I didn't get my hopes up. And, I never said anything to Banner.

This past Sunday, Sam decided he would make it happen. He took Banner to Home Depot (one of Banner's most favorite stores), and they bought the few materials it would take to build the costume of my son's dreams. They spent the day in the garage - Sam constructing, Banner making a mess. I spent the day inside downloading ice cream graphics for the sides of the truck while holding my "I-have-to-be-held-all-the-freaking-time-in-order-to-sleep" newborn. By Banner's nap time, the truck was constructed and painted, the pictures were printed, and the headlights were ready to be "installed." During nap time, Sam and I finalized the truck: making the "Watch for Children" sign on the back of the truck, installing lights, putting in straps to help Banner hold it up, taping the iPod to the top of the truck to play the Ice Cream Truck songs, and taping the ice cream pictures to the sides. By 4:00, we were ready to take the truck for a "test drive" at Marin's 3rd birthday party - a costume party.

I was SO proud of Sam for his dedication and commitment to this project. I was THRILLED to show it to Banner. I was beyond excited to watch him wear it and parade around in his costume with lights that worked and sounds that played. I thought this thing was so cool, and I kept thinking what a great gift of love this would be for Banner. I had even told Sam the night before we made it, "If we can pull this off and get it done, this will be the best gift we've given him!" (Minus Quinn, of course!) :)

And, . . . then it went downhill from there. If we DID get him to wear it, he wore it for 10-15 seconds. I could never get a good picture or video. And, really, all Banner kept talking about was which ice cream he wanted (from the pictures on the side). "Mommy, I... want Sponge Bob. Mommy, I.... want Tweety Bird ice cream."

I was willing to let it go that he wouldn't wear the costume at Marin's party - because we still had Halloween. But... same story. Banner wouldn't really wear it for a little play date we had Halloween morning. He wouldn't put it on for more than a couple minutes. Yes, an improvement, but still... so disappointing. One thing he DID do, which was super-cute, was he walked around pretending to hand his friends some ice cream. He smiled as he did it. I loved that!

Then, that night, he maybe wore the box for a total of 5-7 minutes. He mostly just walked around in his hat, white shirt, and khaki shorts looking like he wasn't really participating in this whole costume thing. He still had a great time trick-or-treating and getting candy, for sure. He was willing to let me try to take a quick picture, and he did seem to get a tad more interested in wearing the truck when a little girl who was out trick-or-treating came up on the lawn to play with his lonely costume. He ran over and said, "Hey! That's MINE!" I was actually happy to hear him say this! :) And, he wore it for about 3-4 minutes after that.

So, now we have this ice cream truck box. It will either get destroyed, thrown away, or put in the attic for a while. Maybe, just MAYBE he'll play with it for a bit. But, really, on this Halloween - it's the thought that counted. I'm so grateful that my baby boys have a daddy who would put in hours and hours of labor and time to construct something he knew all along may never have been appreciated or utilized. I'm grateful that I have a husband who wanted to make ME happy because all I wanted was to make my SON happy. And, quite honestly, I'm grateful for even the short few moments Banner wore the costume - because that smile he had while wearing it was worth every moment of time, thought, and energy that went into that truck! (And, I'm pretty sure Sam would agree!)

First time wearing it - all smiles - til he pushed it off 10 seconds later

Daddy insisted SOMEONE wear the costume!

Sweet little ice cream man without his truck

A few seconds wearing it, then it was off to trick-or-treat

Trick-or-treating

And, of course, Mr. Quinn fully cooperated and wore his costume all day!

Dear Leslie (2)

Dear Leslie,
It's been two years now since that phone call from Gayle. I can still hear her screaming in my ear on the other end of the call in complete shambles. I remember telling her to calm down, to pull over as she drove, as I tried my best to take in the news she was telling me, my heart twisting painfully, my stomach dropping, my head in mass chaos of disbelief and skepticism. I remember talking to Sam as he drove home from work, both of us still wondering what the hell was happening. It's still a fresh shock. I no longer feel the floor being pulled out from under me, but I still can't believe you are gone.

What a year this has been. And, you're still missing it all. It's never going to be any easier to know you will never attend birthday parties, holiday celebrations, graduations, special performances by and sporting events of my children, their big events like Bar Mitzvahs and weddings, or just the casual family dinners. I feel your presence at these events, but I'm constantly reminding myself that you aren't going to actually walk through the door at any moment.

You've missed a lot this year, Leslie. You've missed the delight and joy on Banner's face as he blew out the candles at his second birthday party. Can you believe it? He's TWO! You last saw him at four-months-old, and your sweet grandson is two now. He's a trip, Bubbie! I tell you what - that boy would have you rolling. In fact, I can hear your laugh in my head as I imagine you seeing his funny faces, hearing his incredible connections he makes in that so-smart head of his, watching him play with his trucks and cars or digging in the dirt, or enjoying how much trouble he gives Sam and me when he doesn't listen. You'd probably be annoying me to pieces as you told us that Sam was the same way and that you are so glad he's getting a taste of his own medicine. (Mostly because I was not like this child who constantly wants an audience!!) I just KNOW you'd be saying these things.

You've missed cheering Miles on at his football games. You've missed hearing the wonderful news that he's making such great strides at school. You've missed meeting his friends and watching him get so tall and mature! You've missed hearing Colby string together word after word and celebrating his potty training success! You've missed watching him settle down into a kind, helpful boy - who can still piss off his mom when he draws all over himself. You've missed watching Sam's firm develop into a successful practice. You'd be so proud of all his hard work and his dedication and how he keeps a balance between work life and family life. You've missed all the fun on the boat and the fish fry dinners. You've missed hearing about Shelby's first anniversary and Gayle's new job. You've even missed your brother and sister-in-law finally moving back home!

But, by far the hardest for all of us, you missed Quinn's birth. You missed getting to meet your newest grandson. You're missing watching him interact with his big brother and witnessing his first smiles. He's cooing so sweetly, and you'd be delighted to hear his little voice. This delicious boy would melt your heart with how he cuddles and nuzzles and wants to be held. And, you'd love to see how much he looks like you. Especially when he wakes up from a nap, I see you. I've even said, "Hello, Leslie!" as he stretches and widens his eyes to greet the world after a snooze. It breaks my heart to know I'll never have a photo - not even one - of you and Quinn together.

You missed Quinn's bris, and you'll miss his naming next week. Yes, you will miss a lot. But, we miss you a lot. Just like last year when I told you how much we think of you, you are still etched in our memory as if we just saw you yesterday. I often wonder what life would be like with you still here, but then I realize I already know. You'd be begging me to let you babysit; you'd be very entertaining when my boys were at your house; you'd be cracking up at them and have them cracking up at you. You'd be laughing at how stressed out Sam and I get with the chaos of parenting, but you'd be telling us what a great job we're doing. You'd probably keep talking about how you can't believe your baby has two babies. You'd want to drop by as we were putting the boys to sleep to give them goodnight kisses and riling them up at the wrong time, which would inevitably piss me off - but it would please my kids and be so special to them. You'd speak "sweet nothings" to Quinn and await a smile the way all grandparents do. You'd tell Banner he was your best friend, the same way you used to tell Miles - and you'd tell him not to tell his cousins or brother that you said that - because you'd secretly be telling each of them the same thing.

So, yes, you are still very much here with us. I'm sure Sam wishes I didn't have such a great memory when I often remind him of things you told me or things you said -  like reminders to go to the doctor for screenings when he hit a certain age. I remember stories you told me - again and again! I remember so many of our talks. I remember your laugh and your smile. But, most importantly, I remember how much you love(d) your family. We are making you proud down here, Leslie, I promise you that. Your kids and grandkids would have you beaming, and oh how I hate that you don't get to participate. So unfair.

I'd like to make a promise to you that I'm doing my best to raise your grandsons right. I promise I'm doing my best to take perfect care of Sam. I promise to keep talking about you and remembering it all. I promise you will not be forgotten or ignored. I promise to be grateful for every day I have with your amazing son and our babies. I promise to not take this life for granted. I promise that, even when it's tough - and man, I know you know how tough it is - I will remember how fleeting these days are and how I have a choice to make every day a beautiful day.

Missing you always,
Amber

Let It Go

My senior English teacher in high school used to read us excerpts from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson throughout the school year. Her entire goal for reading these passages, and for the novels she chose for us to read that year, was to prepare us for life in college and life away from home and on our own. I learned more about life that year than I did about literature, and I'm grateful! Little did Ms. Prater know that she was also preparing me for life as a mother.

When I was pregnant with Banner, I worried about all the things I'd worry about as a parent. I knew parenthood would come with plenty of anxiety and anxiety-provoking situations and circumstances. And, I also knew I'd have to try my best to let that worry go because I can't control everything, I certainly can't control another human being, and I had no say in so many of the happenings in my little boy's life. Throughout the past two years, I've learned to let more and more go. At times, I'm really proud of myself. Others, I'm really annoyed that I continuously have to learn to let it go. I'm constantly learning not to sweat the small stuff - and even some of the big stuff - in order to function as a healthy person!

Just this morning, I was watching Banner play with Play Doh while Quinn fussed in my arms. I started thinking about how much I can't stand the Play Doh all over the house, how dried up it gets when Banner doesn't put it away, what a waste of money it becomes when it's no longer useful after being chopped into itty bitty dried up pieces and strewn about the floor. The control freak in me wanted to scream, but, ironically enough, I've gained some control over the control freak. I've had to learn to let so many things go over and over again, that I'm used to fighting the freak. It's not easy, but it's becoming common. I'd LOVE to say these things don't bother me at all; after all, they're minor in the big scheme of things. But, they do bother me. I just have learned to live with it and let it go.

As I sat there watching him play, fighting the inner beast that wanted to tell him to get every little morsel of Doh and make sure to put it back in the container with the lid on tight so it doesn't dry up and cause undue tears and superfluous spending on yet another package of mini Play Doh tubs, I had a list of other things I've had to let go running through my head. I thought it would be interesting to share my stream-of-consciousness with my readers, and maybe you can relate. Maybe? Or am I the only one who sits around reflecting on all I've "let go" in order to maintain my sanity and ditch the control freak in me?

Here's a peek into my head:

"-This house is a complete disaster. I need to just get over the fact that my house will always be cluttered until the boys graduate from high school. . .  at least. I can't keep it clean for more than 10 minutes, and I need to move on from freaking out about that.
-And the fact that the laundry has been folded nicely on the couch for three days straight - not put away. Maybe Sam will take the initiative to . . . . never mind. Who am I kidding?
-Laundry - there will always be laundry. And, I'm done stressing if Banner's shirts always have paint stains on them. I'm done doing excessive, skin-burning scrubbing to get out spit up stains, marker, crayon, and other bodily fluids from my children's clothing. And, I'm done trying to keep them clean all the time. Mud, dirt, grass stains, drool, dead bug guts... these are the things little boys are made of. Stop fighting it and embrace it! Learn to LOVE it, Am!
-I can't control the way he plays any more than I can control how, when, and what he eats. He'll eat when he's hungry, and whatever he eats will most likely be processed, nutritionless crap, but oh well - let it go. And, chances are he'll eat way more off the floor than I care to imagine - but at least that's better than the "boogies" he's digging out of his nose and then ingesting. But, again, let it go!
-Just go with it... just go with the ridiculous amounts of "screen time" Banner is putting in each day, let go of the snot he's got pouring out of his nose since the second day of school, don't worry about the fact that he's got his pacis in his mouth out of his bed - he won't go to Kindergarten with a paci in his mouth, and just let it go that he has no interest in potty training. It will come, and it's so not worth the worry right now.
-I need to go work out. Ha!
-I don't have anything that fits me right now. Maternity clothes are too big, my regular clothes too small. I'll just have to make do with what I have. Be comfy, be warm, be at least a tinge of presentable, and move on!
-Let go of trying to keep my car clean, my clothes spit-up-free, and ever leaving the house without back-up everything.
-And, while we're letting things go, let's just recognize the sleep we've had to let go of. Precious, glorious sleep. Oh how we still miss you - it's been two long years without consistent, uninterrupted, deep, worry-less, long bouts of sleep! I'll always worry, even when my boys are grown, and even when I'm on vacation. But, it will get better. It will. It has to. It will... so until then, let it go and suck it up. You're on survival mode now. Just go with it."

I recognize this list may sound whiny; I really am not complaining. I'm just giving you a glimpse into my head - of the self-talk that helps me just let it go and embrace being able to do so. If I lived every day trying to control "the small stuff", each day would be an awful, terrible, no-good, very bad day. It's really quite amazing how far I've come... in fact, sometimes I worry that I've gone too far and border on falling into the "I don't care anymore!"bad parent category. It's not that I don't care. I SO care, and that's why it's so hard. But, every day I have to pick my battles, and quite frankly, there's just too much other stuff to worry about. Like everyone else on this planet, I'm not so great at controlling other humans - never have been, much to my own disappointment. I cannot control the weather, traffic, the flakiness of my others (a topic which deserves its own post!), or the scariness of the world we live in. But, I can control my reactions and responses to all of it. I can control my perspective. And, Ms. Prater (and her beloved Steven Covey and Viktor Frankl) would be glad to know I've accomplished this paradigm shift!

Ms. Prater would be proud that I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Play Doh on the floor, in the carpet, inside Legos, caked into my socks... it will just have to stay that way for a while. I'm learning to let it go. Every.single.day! But as hard as it is to let all that go, the benefit outweighs the difficulty - because I end up enjoying my boys way more than I could otherwise.

What about you? What have you learned to let go of?

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful . . . Beautiful Boy

Today was his first picture day. I walked him into the building, on the first rainy day of the school year (of course!), wanting to tell his teacher that we added insult to injury this past weekend. You see, on Friday, I got a call from the school that Banner had slipped, fallen, and bumped his head on the classroom shelf while reaching for a toy. When I picked him up, I could see a gash on his hairline, but it was mostly hidden by the short wispies of hair. By Saturday afternoon, though, he was even more scraped up. Sam took Banner on a tricycle ride - his very favorite activity while searching out the ice cream truck. They made a pit stop at the mailbox, and as Sam pointed out a cloud made orange by the setting sun, Banner looked up, lost his footing, and fell off the curb and into the street. This accident left a bloodied lip, chin, and space beneath his nose. I was so sad that he was hurt, I was immediately worried about his teeth and his nose, and I tried to help Sam calm and clean him while my hands were full with bathing Quinn in the kitchen sink. Shortly after, Banner requested to keep riding his bike, and off they went back outside. . . my little tough guy!! And, it was shortly after that that I remembered picture day was in two days.

I was so bummed. I was so frustrated. I was in a hurry to heal his scabs. I caked ointment on him that night, and I kept it coming the next day. But, lo and behold, Monday morning came, and those scrapes were still very visible. Oh well, I thought, there's nothing I could do about it anymore, and maybe this picture will perfectly capture my little boy - so rambunctious and active, so daring and into everything! I came to terms with the fact that it is what it is, and this will be a memory we will have captured by the photographer.

But then, after Banner's nap, I got Quinn to nap in the other room (and not in my arms for once!) so Banner and I could have our own little play date for whatever time Quinn would cooperate. It turned out to be about 40 minutes. During that time, we played with Play Doh, had a snack, and giggled at funny things we were making and pretending with. It was in this rare moment, a moment I had alone with Banner, that I grabbed my camera to capture how I saw my son. I wanted to play with him forever in that moment. I wanted to capture those beautifully long, curled eyelashes. I wanted to savor those sweet, chubby hands. I wanted to memorize those gorgeous blue eyes. I wanted to grab those dimpled cheeks and kiss him a thousand times. I decided I'd have a picture day of my own - and I'd really get in his face with how I saw him. 

We were having so much fun, and we were reconnecting after weeks of losing ourselves to this new baby. My heart was melting, and my Angel Baby was having so much fun with me! We so needed this day. And, at the end of the night, not only did he tell me he loved me, but he looked up at me while I was getting him ready for bed, and said, "Mommy, kiss." Seriously, doesn't get any better than that!

And, I was so pleased with how my photos turned out. I can hear his giggle and smell his sweet skin. And yes, there are gashes and scratches on his face. But, look at how beautiful he is! Look at my boy. Look at this little love. No school picture could ever capture all the love and beauty this boy brings to my life. Only his mommy can do that - and only his mommy can boast about it!

"I Actually Asked to See a Nipple Nazi!"

If you read one of my favorite - and also one of my most popular - posts entitled The Truth and the Nipple Nazis, you know that I had a rough time breastfeeding Banner. I could have gone on and on in that post about how many different things I tried, how sore I was, how emotionally and physically draining only 2 weeks of trying to nurse Banner was for me (and Sam, and Banner, and maybe even Grandma!), and how much guilt I carried (and at times still do) for stopping all the breastfeeding and pumping shenanigans with Banner over two years ago. I was displeased, disheartened, and greatly discouraged when it came to the lack of support I got from nurses and lactation consultants, as well as the general public opinion that breastfeeding was THE only option when it came to feeding babies the "right" way.

At that time, I was so upset because I firmly believed all the propaganda about breastfeeding. I believed that it should be easy - after all it is the "natural" way of feeding a baby. I believed it would be cheaper and easier than formula feeding. I believed my child would be healthier, happier, and smarter if I could just figure out this breastfeeding thing. I believed I could push past the pain, and that all mothers SHOULD push past the pain - especially if it was best for their babies. I believed I was a failure for not continuing with trying to get my "non-latching" baby to latch and for not continuing to pump for more than two weeks.

But, then, I had a perspective-change. I empowered myself. I read about how lots of women have problems breastfeeding, about how we should not judge anyone for how he/she decides to nourish his/her child, about what a bunch of crap some of the breastfeeding propaganda is! Not only did I begin to feel like I was not alone, but I knew I had made the best - the right - decision for my family, for my baby, for me.

Many of my friends and family members had asked me about breastfeeding before Quinn was born. Was I going to give it a try? Was I worried about it? Truth is, I WAS anxious about it. I did want to try it; after all, this was a different child. But, I was afraid of that awful pain again. I was worried that it might actually work and then I'd have to decide if I really wanted to continue. I was anxious that it would be hard to nurse a baby and take care of a toddler. I was worried about the "nipple nazis" at the hospital and the feelings of guilt sneaking up on me again - even though I knew better now. And, I knew it most likely wouldn't work because, well - my breasts are the same ones that couldn't provide for Banner... why would they all of a sudden provide for Quinn?

Sam and I went into the hospital with a plan of action. We were going to try the breastfeeding thing out and just see what happens. We were not going to let one person change our minds, we were not going to let anyone say anything that would take away from the experience whether it worked or not. We were not going to put up with the bullshit we had experienced with nurses and lactation consultants this time around. And, we were going to put my relationship with my baby ahead of the nutrition he might get from my breasts (when we knew damn straight that formula-feeding provides great nutrients, too). And, I was determined to take care of my emotional needs this time - so that I could continue to bond with Quinn, to enjoy my newborn, and to empower myself enough to know that my body will have been through enough with pregnancy and with a repeat C-section that if breastfeeding was too much, then it was too much. I was totally prepared to be ready to say "enough is enough" if it wasn't working.

Just before surgery, the nursery nurse who would be in the OR with us came to review with us what would happen after delivery. She asked if I wanted to breastfeed. I decided to be completely upfront and honest with her. I told her the brief version of my first experience with breastfeeding. I ended my story by saying that I would like to wait to nurse until I felt ready. She was very understanding and never once tried to force the issue. She said she would take my lead. I was very relaxed after talking to her about it, but I was still pretty sure it wouldn't work.

Yet, lo and behold, Quinn and I made a great breastfeeding match right away. He latched! He actually suckled and did great on my left side about an hour after he was born. It was an amazing moment. I so enjoyed the connection, the relief that it worked, the bond I was feeling. Sam was emotional watching it, too. He said if he had started to talk in that moment that he would have started crying. We were all smiles. It was pretty cool, and I'll always remember those first few moments of nursing with him.

The next few feedings were successful as well, but Quinn was partial to my left side. When we were back in my regular room, the new nursery nurse told me that she had been briefed on my first experiences. She was very supportive and reassuring, so when I asked her for help getting Quinn to latch on the right, she was sweet and helpful. He would latch for a few seconds here and there, but he never did really get the hang of it on that side. On the second day in the hospital, I requested to see a lactation consultant to help me with the right side. Until that point, not one lactation consultant had come into our room - SO different from Banner's hospital stay when we were constantly bothered by these women who wanted to see for themselves what was so wrong with the lady in room 375 (I made that room number up, hell if I know what room we were in - all three different times they moved us that stay)! ;) So, yes, I actually asked to see a nipple nazi! Go figure!

A consultant came to see us on Day 3. When I told her what was going on, she asked which holds I've been trying. I told her cross-cradle and cradle. I told her I was not so comfortable with the "football" hold, so of course, that's where she wanted to start. She actually suggested that hold because she said I'd have more control that way. She evaluated my breasts, and she examined the bruises and blisters I was already getting just a couple days in. Then, she proceeded to evaluate Quinn to see how he was eating. He was so much more willing to work with me than Banner ever was. We were becoming quite a team! But, the consultant helped me set up my pillows behind my back, helped tell Sam what his role would be in helping me manipulate and hold Quinn, discussed best techniques and how I needed to hold his head like this, hold my boob like that, set his feet this way, squeeze my nipple that way, etc. Honestly, it was such a tedious process, and I was so incredibly tired. . . and on pain meds that made me sleepy, hormones that made me sleepy, and allergy meds for my contact dermatitis from epidural tape - I was like a freakin' zombie when she was talking to me. I swear my eyes were closing more than half the time she talked. I'm pretty sure I dozed off with Quinn's head in one of my hands and my breast in the other. Internally, it was pretty funny, too - because I kept wondering if she could tell my head was bouncing around as I nodded off here and there!

I was also getting so frustrated with how much time this was taking, how often I needed to do this, how little Quinn was getting, how to evaluate the fullness of my breasts to know which direction he should be held, how to recognize and analyze the bruises on my nipples to better avoid those areas at the next feeding, etc. It was in this moment that the woman yapped on and on, while my head bounced around and my eyes could not be peeled open, that I decided this was it. I was done. I was in pain, even in the sweet moments I looked forward to when Quinn would latch and get something from my body. I continued to think: Who the hell has time for this crap with a toddler running around at home? I could just see me sitting on the couch at home trying to get all undressed and cozy with Quinn, adjusting my 3 million pillows just right behind my back and under his head, watching his little mouth suckle away while Banner Boone is playing with knives in the kitchen and I can't do a damn thing about it - simply because I wanted to breastfeed my baby. To hell with this! I was ready to call it quits.

I knew Banner was just fine having been fed formula. I have a smart, healthy, happy kid who was bottle and formula fed his whole life. There is nothing wrong with formula. And, I knew my body had been through enough. I knew I was starting to dread feedings much like I did with Banner simply because of the pain my strong sucker was putting me through. (Anyone who feeds him a bottle can feel the tight, strong suck he has... just imagine someone stapling your nipple over and over again every second! I'm just not into that kind of thing!) I knew my relationship and bonding with Quinn was going great - and I didn't want anything to get in the way of that. I was (and am!) so in love with this little boy, and I never wanted to look back on these early days wishing I had enjoyed them more by stopping. So I stopped. I gave it a few more feeds, but by the middle of the night on Day 3  - when I was writhing in pain and tired from all the feeds every hour and a half or so - I woke Sam up and said, "I'm done. Please call the nurse for formula."

I had already told the day nursery nurse that I was considering stopping. She wondered if there was anything they could do to help me - but she never made me feel badly. She informed the new night nurse, Donna, of my possible stopping, so when she came in my room, she was not surprised, she was extremely supportive, and she was prepared to stock my room with formula. She gave me some general guidelines on about how much a baby this age should drink. The most important thing she gave me, though, was reassurance that I was making the right choice. Donna, needless to say, became my very favorite nurse. We chatted about her teenage daughters, the world of dating today, and what a great dad Sam is (ironically, while he slept through my chats with her). She taught me some secrets of swaddling, she gave me great guidelines for formula feeding Quinn the first couple of weeks, but most importantly she gave me support, encouragement, and the ability to talk freely to her about my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to breastfeeding. Sam and I told her what a very different response we had gotten this time around compared to two years ago at the same hospital. We thanked her again and again for her support and understanding. I told her I wish I had had this same response from the nursing staff years ago. She explained that the nurses were told (at the time Banner had been born) to push breastfeeding, yet the hospital was getting a lot of negative feedback from patients because of this. (I know I was one of those patients!) Since then, there has been a shift in how they respond to how parents want to feed their babies. I was grateful to hear this!

My friend's doctor once told her - and she then shared with me - that some women's bodies carry babies well, and some women's bodies can't. Some women can nurse their babies, and some women can't. I'd much rather be in the group that can carry babies well. I'm blessed that I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant twice, that I carried both of my boys with little problem, that my body took such great care of them both. I was blessed that I had a better experience with Quinn. I will never know how much milk I would have produced with him - I left the hospital in an ace-bandage binding with a sports bra on top to try to suppress my milk supply. I will never know how long I might have gone breastfeeding him or if the process would have become much easier for us (I'm sure it would have). The important thing is that I am emotionally and physically better able to take care of my baby and myself AND our relationship because of my choice. I have learned a lot from the nipple nazis. Mostly, I learned that no matter how a person chooses to nourish her baby, as long as she's happy with that choice, that's all that matters.

1-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
So, yes, you have a mom who will write you letters throughout your childhood to reflect on your growth, development, and experiences. I'm sorry if you get annoyed at all my record-keeping, but I like to look back and see what was going on in your life, in our lives during these precious times of you being so little. It's hard to believe that a full month has already come and gone, but at the same time, I can't believe it's only been a month of knowing you. I feel like I have known you my whole life.

This month has been challenging for Daddy and me as we adjust to life with two children on little-to-no sleep, cope with recovery from surgery, and remember what life with a newborn consists of: several clothing changes (for ALL of us!) per day and per night, doing things one-handed while we hold you, being quick to change a diaper on a boy who is ready to spray us at any moment, keeping track of pees and poops and the last time you ate and how much, taking everything-under-the-sun with us to leave the house, driving with high anxiety as you scream in your car seat and we hit every red light, doing more loads of laundry in one day than I used to do all week (okay, I exaggerated, but - we've done a LOT of laundry!), and using up formula, wipes, and diapers way too fast! But, I happily tolerate these frustrations for the immense joy and love you bring to our family.

Let me tell you about yourself at one-month-old:

-You are such a sweet, cuddly baby! You love to be held. And, as you've approached your one-month birthday, you are getting really demanding about being held. I love, love, love holding you - especially because you snuggle so well, nuzzle into my neck and tickle me, and turn your cheek towards mine almost like you want to hug or kiss me. But, I wish you were a little more accepting of some time NOT in someone's arms. But, I know this time will pass too soon, and I'll be wishing you wanted me to hold you.

Here's a picture of you laying on my belly and hips last night - hugging me as if you missed being "home." Hard to believe you fit inside here just a month ago. I think we both miss that a little.

-Your eyes are still blue...definitely bluer than when we were in the hospital, and probably getting lighter, but we will have to wait and see what the true color is for a while. Your hair is still dark with a wave or slight curl to it. Soon, I think your eyebrows will make an appearance! :) I still only see one dimple when you smile - on your right cheek. And, when people ask me who you look like, I never really know... I see a lot of Daddy, but sometimes I see Banner, and sometimes I see Uncle Brock or even some of myself as a baby. I think you have your Big Boss's (and also your great-grandfather's) bottom lip. And, today, as you woke up from your first nap of the day, I saw Bubbie and even told you, "You look so much like your Bubbie right now!" So, go figure! I have no idea, and I know all of this will change in the coming month or two. But I think you're precious no matter who you look like! Fair skin, perfectly round head, button nose. Just perfect!

-You had a cold at 2 weeks old, and you're still a little congested. Because of this, you've been sleeping in Mommy & Daddy's bed, right between our pillows so we can hear you breathing. We've had to suction your nose, use a humidifier, and give you saline drops to help you breathe better. Poor thing.. I hate seeing any baby sick, but this early in your life is awful! I hate seeing you start your life feeling so icky already!

-Your right eye still has a clogged tear duct. It's green and gunky, and we are giving you some antibiotic ointment to help with that. I'm hopeful that it will open up on it's own, but Dr. B says we can't really do much about it until you are 6-9 months old.

-Your cord fell off at 2 weeks, and you have the cutest little belly button! Since then, we've been able to give you real baths. Bathing you is a challenge as your body is so scrunched up and fragile, but I love getting you squeaky clean! You like the water, but since you HATE being cold, you cry when we first put you in and when we take you out - and a few times in between if the water isn't running over your shoulders.

-You've been doing tummy time here and there... but since we are allowing you to sleep on your tummy and side more than we should (we shouldn't really at all!), you get plenty of time on your belly. 

I think Banner was a little nostalgic!

 -You're taking about 3.5 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours. Mostly every three hours during the day, and you've gone about 4 and half hours at the longest stretch at night. You gulp the formula at the beginning of each feeding, just like Banner did when he was a baby - but then you slow down to a more manageable speed. Luckily, you don't seem to have the same kind of reflux that Banner did. (Hallelujah and praise God!) Each time you spit-up, it's typically a normal amount, but I still "duck and cover" as if I'm about to be soaked like with Banner. Some things are just so hard to unlearn!

-You're finding your voice just a little bit. The other night, you wouldn't go back to sleep because I think you were experimenting with little sounds here and there.

-I'm learning what really ticks you off and sends you into crying spells, and if I think about your schedule, I can pretty much know right away what's wrong. You cry when hungry, wet, cold, or when you are trying to fall asleep and get pissed that you're not already asleep. You also cry to be held, and lately, I think your tummy is hurting and you cry because of that... we may switch your formula and see if that helps, although I've read it's pretty common for babies to become more gassy at this age. (And man, are you gassy!)

-If I had to guess, I bet you weigh over 10 pounds (based on weighing you with me on our home scale). We have already switched you out of newborn diapers! You wear size 1 diapers, and pretty soon you'll probably outgrow your newborn outfits! Some of them are already too tight for your growing body.

-Big events this month: You went to Nami's baby naming this past weekend. It was the first time for you to meet some of our extended family and family friends. You did great! You also had your first big photo shoot with Ms. Amy at 10 days old! I can't wait to share those awesome images with family and friends so soon! You slept through our first adventure with Banner at the rec center gym where you met Laura, Simon, Shauna, and Brayden. Just today we went on our first family walk around the neighborhood. You had your first official "play date" where you were actually awake and enjoying a bouncy seat just yesterday at Anya's house. We celebrated Lilly and Papa's birthdays, and you got to meet Lilly, Jackson, Uncle Scott, and Aunt Marni. You also got to meet other special people this month: Colby, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Marc, Natalie, Kevin, Robin, Jordan, Keaton, Uncle Freddy, Zach, Alan, Aaron, Matt, Jeff, Brooke, Julia, Regan, Lindsay, Myka, Randi, Ella, Anya, Shayna, Arielle, Brandon, Sally, Jackie, Steve, Bev, Gary, Mimi, Barry, Marla, Vicki, Avery, Blair, Cara, Carsyn, Alicia, Brittney, Blakely, some of the parents and kids in Banner's class, and lots of Mommy's former coworkers! 

-You smiled at me this past Sunday night (3 weeks, 6 days). You did it three separate times, and Daddy saw the first smile, so I know I'm not making it up.... but I haven't seen a social smile since then. Hopefully, by this time next week, we will start seeing those eyes light up with those gummy grins! CAN'T WAIT!!

One of my new favorite songs is called "My My Love" by Joshua Radin. The lyrics remind me of you, Quinn. It's become our song, really. We listen to it in the car, and you calm for it immediately. I played it while watching you sleep a couple weeks ago, and I just tried to memorize that moment as your little sleeping body barely filled a couch cushion. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched you breathing on your belly while I touched your so-soft skin and felt your tiny fingers wrapped around mine.  I won't remember what you were wearing or what day it was - but I will remember sitting next to you on the floor by that couch just soaking you in as this tiny, bitty baby with such a sweet personality already!

I love you, my little cuddle bug! I hope this first month of life wasn't so bad and adjusting to life outside the womb has been okay for you. I miss feeling your body in mine, but I have loved getting to meet you, see you, watch you, snuggle you, and welcome you to our family! You are so loved!

There you have it, your first month update. Here's to MANY, MANY more newsletters in the coming months and years!
Happy One-Month, Sweet Boy!
Love,
Mommy

The Many Faces of Quinn

Day 1

Day 3

This one cracks me up! Day 3

Day 3 - night

Day 4 - midnight in Daddy's arms

Day 5

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 12

Day 16

Day 17

Day 18

Day 20

Day 23

Day 23

"ENOUGH, MOMMY!"

My Little "Night Out"

About a month after Banner was born, Sam insisted that I get my cranky, tired butt out of the house shortly after dinner one night. I remember it very clearly. It was July 11... yes, 7/11, which is why I remember the date. I drove around in Sam's car (which is actually my "old" car), windows down, blaring music, and heading to . . . Target! Yes, a mother's heaven when you just need to get away. I headed to the baby aisle and skimmed through a few chapters of a sleep advice book, trying to decide it it was worth it to buy it (which it was) and whether I'd actually really read it once I got home (which I did). I then headed to 7-Eleven for a free Slurpee, my absolute favorite drink, and when I got there so late at night, they were no longer serving free slurpees - in fact, they were sold out of my favorite flavor. Disappointed and annoyed, I decided to continue to just take advantage of being baby-free in my car at night, rolled down the windows again, blared my music, sang my heart out, and drove. It brought me back to my high school days, and immediately I was in tears. I just cried and cried as I sang. I needed that. I needed that time to myself, that time to be just ME, to breathe and soak in my free space - the hot summer breeze blowing through my window, my hair tickling my face, my spirit lifted.

This is such a special memory for me. I love how Sam knew just what I needed. I love how I was able to reconnect with myself - by myself. I love how refreshing it was just to get out alone for about an hour. And, tonight, for the first time since Quinn was born, I had a very similar experience. It wasn't as powerful - mostly because I'm used to this feeling a little bit and I know how to better manage my time as a mom now - but it was amazing nonetheless! I basically just told Sam that I was going to be the one to run a couple quick errands after Banner went to sleep. I went to Babies R Us and Walgreens, and it was the nicest, calmest little outing. I had the funniest little thoughts going through my head as I drove and as I walked the aisles of the store: How annoying is it that Babies R Us coupons exclude practically everything in the store? We saw a coupon this evening for 10% off all feeding items... and the fine print excluded all food, snack, and drinks. I think it's hilarious. I thought about how calm and peaceful the stores are at night and how much nicer everyone is - drivers, store employees, other customers. I wondered if it was a good idea to spontaneously drive the four hours it would take to just show up at my best friend's door and ask her to hop in my car to sing our old favorite songs at the top of our lungs like we used to. I wondered if I should blog about all this. :)

I enjoyed the slow pace of the stores, the breeze of the now-fall air in my car (well, in Sam's car again - but my "old friend" I used to drive throughout college and grad school and everyday until Sam's accident the year before Banner was born), the loud music blaring, the ability to just belt out my loudest notes as I listened to any familiar song that came on the radio, the little tears that sat on my eyelids as I reconnected with myself. I thought about my sister and singing with her in the car. I thought about how in love with Quinn I am. I thought about how, even though our hospital bills are outrageous and they piss me off to no end (the whole insurance crap and what a scam our whole system is!...), my boys and I are healthy and thriving, and I feel so blessed. And, when I got home, I felt rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready for yet another sleepless night. :)

Big Brother Banner

Dear Banner,
It's been almost three weeks since you became a big brother, and I just had to write you this "quick" letter to let you know how things are going from my point-of-view so that, when you are older, you'll get to read all about how amazing you have been these past few weeks! I have been anticipating some setbacks and regression from you, and although those are still definitely a possibility, I have not seen anything other than positive change in you. You are the most caring big brother, and watching you develop a brotherhood with Quinn has been so heartwarming. Of course, your relationship with him currently rests solely on what YOU decide to do and how YOU choose to respond to him - since he really doesn't have any say so yet. And, I guess I have to give some credit to Daddy and to me for helping you adjust to this big change so well, but, mostly, you are the one who has decided to embrace your role as "big brother" rather than despise it.

From the moment we introduced you to "Baby Brover Quinn," you have been in love with him. You want to hold his hand, know where he is in the house whenever you come home from some adventure, gently stroke his hair, put his paci in his mouth, try to hold him or pick him up, tell him "It's okay, Quinn," when he cries, say "Hi, Quinn!" when he's in the car with you or sleeping on the couch, tell me when he's stretching ("creeching") or crying, and offer him your food. You're pretty understanding, though, when I tell you he can't eat your food because he doesn't have teeth yet or that he only drinks his bottle. You don't seem upset when I have to turn away from you for a few moments to appease Quinn when he's crying. . . in fact, most of the time, you prefer that I help quiet him down.

You seem so proud of him, so ready to show him to your friends and family. You also seem protective of him. For instance, this morning, I took you to the garage to put you in the car first and left Quinn in his carrier in the house for a moment. You said, "Baby Brover Quinn!" to remind me that we need to bring him with us. Of course, I knew that, silly boy! But, it was really neat to know you wanted him to come with us. You have never told him to go away or asked that we not include him. You always include him in the list of your family, you say "I love you, Baby Brover Quinn!" without prompting, and you willingly take out your paci at night to give him a gentle kiss on the head..... I wish I could say you do the same for ME - but you insist on giving Mommy a "paci kiss" with your pacifier still in your mouth.

Speaking of, the only change I have really seen in the past few weeks is your ignoring of me, especially on the day Quinn & I came home from the hospital. I don't know if you were afraid of me since I had "boo-boos" on my tummy (and my back due to an allergic reaction), or if we just hadn't seen each other at home in 5 days, or you weren't sure how to share me, or ... I don't know. It was a hard day for me, and while it's getting a LOT better - especially since Daddy went back to work and Grandma went home (after spending the night at our house for 2 weeks straight) and I have been back "in charge" - I would still love for my cuddly boy to come back to me completely. You much prefer Daddy or Grandma right now, at least it seems that way to me. And while that's pretty normal for you to go back and forth between preferring Daddy or Mommy, I miss you wanting me. I miss you listening to me (although this is a skill we are working on no matter who is speaking to you!). I miss our outings (and I think you do, too). I miss how you used to come up to my leg and just hug me. You are testing me these days - and I am not letting up. My rules are consistent, and I think you're trying to see if that's still the case... but I miss knowing you feel connected to me.

It's definitely better now than before - you're calling for me again when you need something - rather than just Daddy, and you tell me you love me when I tell you I love you (which you weren't doing last week). I try to remember that sometimes the ones we love the most are our "punching bags"when our world is flipped upside-down and that you know I'll never leave you, that I'm always here, and that no matter how you react to this situation, I will be here loving you no matter what! This has been a big adjustment - no question - and things just aren't as they used to be - so if you need time and need(ed) to push me away for a bit, that's okay with me. I will never push you away, though! And, I hope you know just how much I love you, how you are still my sweet, special boy, and how very proud of you I am.

Last Saturday night, Grandma left to go back home after spending many nights here with us (as I mentioned above), and I cried a little when MY mommy left because change is hard for me and not knowing how to be a mommy to two is scary. Later that night, I curled up on the couch with you to watch the "Farm" episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. Listening to our familiar songs and cuddling with you brought streams of tears to my cheeks as we sang along with Farmer Josh. And, I've been homesick for you as I have struggled with this recovery and haven't been physically able to be the one to bathe you or put you to bed (although by now, we're about back to normal). So, maybe you were hurting a little too, and maybe you need(ed) your space as you figure(d) out that you're still one of the most important things to me on this planet.

I am more than pleased with how you have treated Quinn, how you have welcomed him into your life and into your home. I know this could change as he starts wanting your toys or taking your things, and you will - no doubt - have fights, disagreements, arguments, and wrestling matches with him as you grow up together. But, these first few weeks, you have made me one proud mommy. You never cease to amaze me with your resilience during transitions and changes. Quinn is one lucky little brother to have you in his life playing the starring role of "big brother!"

I love you so, so much, Angel!
Love,
Mommy

 

Just wanting to sit next to Quinn while on the iPad

*After publishing this post, we had our first "incident." You were talking quietly and sweetly to Quinn and gently rubbing his hair as he slept on the couch next to me. All of a sudden, you popped him on the head with an open hand. It was a pretty hard hit. You were not trying to be mean or hurtful. In fact, you were a little startled at my reaction and Quinn waking up with a fierce cry. I immediately said, "No, sir! We do not hit! You may not hit your brother. That hurts!" Your bottom lip puckered out and your eyes filled with tears, and you tried really hard not to start crying. I picked Quinn up, and I told you that he was crying because you hit him. I am not sure you understand that he has feelings and things hurt him. I want you to understand this so you know how your actions affect him. I was certainly upset that this happened, but I was pleased at your reaction of remorse and regret. You were definitely sad that he was hurt and that you had caused him pain, and we talked about it as you continued to fight back tears. I asked if you were sad, and you said yes. I asked if you felt like you needed to cry, and you just continued to push that quivering bottom lip out. I hugged you and told you it was okay to cry, and you did. . . for about 10 minutes you cried, and you asked for Daddy and for Grandma. Quinn is okay, and so are you. I know this is the first of many "accidents" as you learn that he's a fragile and delicate baby. I'm trying so hard to keep you from not only hurting him but from getting yourself into trouble or from making choices that you'll regret. I have to protect both of you. I'm sorry this happened, but I'm still very proud of you!