Big Brother Banner

Dear Banner,
It's been almost three weeks since you became a big brother, and I just had to write you this "quick" letter to let you know how things are going from my point-of-view so that, when you are older, you'll get to read all about how amazing you have been these past few weeks! I have been anticipating some setbacks and regression from you, and although those are still definitely a possibility, I have not seen anything other than positive change in you. You are the most caring big brother, and watching you develop a brotherhood with Quinn has been so heartwarming. Of course, your relationship with him currently rests solely on what YOU decide to do and how YOU choose to respond to him - since he really doesn't have any say so yet. And, I guess I have to give some credit to Daddy and to me for helping you adjust to this big change so well, but, mostly, you are the one who has decided to embrace your role as "big brother" rather than despise it.

From the moment we introduced you to "Baby Brover Quinn," you have been in love with him. You want to hold his hand, know where he is in the house whenever you come home from some adventure, gently stroke his hair, put his paci in his mouth, try to hold him or pick him up, tell him "It's okay, Quinn," when he cries, say "Hi, Quinn!" when he's in the car with you or sleeping on the couch, tell me when he's stretching ("creeching") or crying, and offer him your food. You're pretty understanding, though, when I tell you he can't eat your food because he doesn't have teeth yet or that he only drinks his bottle. You don't seem upset when I have to turn away from you for a few moments to appease Quinn when he's crying. . . in fact, most of the time, you prefer that I help quiet him down.

You seem so proud of him, so ready to show him to your friends and family. You also seem protective of him. For instance, this morning, I took you to the garage to put you in the car first and left Quinn in his carrier in the house for a moment. You said, "Baby Brover Quinn!" to remind me that we need to bring him with us. Of course, I knew that, silly boy! But, it was really neat to know you wanted him to come with us. You have never told him to go away or asked that we not include him. You always include him in the list of your family, you say "I love you, Baby Brover Quinn!" without prompting, and you willingly take out your paci at night to give him a gentle kiss on the head..... I wish I could say you do the same for ME - but you insist on giving Mommy a "paci kiss" with your pacifier still in your mouth.

Speaking of, the only change I have really seen in the past few weeks is your ignoring of me, especially on the day Quinn & I came home from the hospital. I don't know if you were afraid of me since I had "boo-boos" on my tummy (and my back due to an allergic reaction), or if we just hadn't seen each other at home in 5 days, or you weren't sure how to share me, or ... I don't know. It was a hard day for me, and while it's getting a LOT better - especially since Daddy went back to work and Grandma went home (after spending the night at our house for 2 weeks straight) and I have been back "in charge" - I would still love for my cuddly boy to come back to me completely. You much prefer Daddy or Grandma right now, at least it seems that way to me. And while that's pretty normal for you to go back and forth between preferring Daddy or Mommy, I miss you wanting me. I miss you listening to me (although this is a skill we are working on no matter who is speaking to you!). I miss our outings (and I think you do, too). I miss how you used to come up to my leg and just hug me. You are testing me these days - and I am not letting up. My rules are consistent, and I think you're trying to see if that's still the case... but I miss knowing you feel connected to me.

It's definitely better now than before - you're calling for me again when you need something - rather than just Daddy, and you tell me you love me when I tell you I love you (which you weren't doing last week). I try to remember that sometimes the ones we love the most are our "punching bags"when our world is flipped upside-down and that you know I'll never leave you, that I'm always here, and that no matter how you react to this situation, I will be here loving you no matter what! This has been a big adjustment - no question - and things just aren't as they used to be - so if you need time and need(ed) to push me away for a bit, that's okay with me. I will never push you away, though! And, I hope you know just how much I love you, how you are still my sweet, special boy, and how very proud of you I am.

Last Saturday night, Grandma left to go back home after spending many nights here with us (as I mentioned above), and I cried a little when MY mommy left because change is hard for me and not knowing how to be a mommy to two is scary. Later that night, I curled up on the couch with you to watch the "Farm" episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. Listening to our familiar songs and cuddling with you brought streams of tears to my cheeks as we sang along with Farmer Josh. And, I've been homesick for you as I have struggled with this recovery and haven't been physically able to be the one to bathe you or put you to bed (although by now, we're about back to normal). So, maybe you were hurting a little too, and maybe you need(ed) your space as you figure(d) out that you're still one of the most important things to me on this planet.

I am more than pleased with how you have treated Quinn, how you have welcomed him into your life and into your home. I know this could change as he starts wanting your toys or taking your things, and you will - no doubt - have fights, disagreements, arguments, and wrestling matches with him as you grow up together. But, these first few weeks, you have made me one proud mommy. You never cease to amaze me with your resilience during transitions and changes. Quinn is one lucky little brother to have you in his life playing the starring role of "big brother!"

I love you so, so much, Angel!
Love,
Mommy

 

Just wanting to sit next to Quinn while on the iPad

*After publishing this post, we had our first "incident." You were talking quietly and sweetly to Quinn and gently rubbing his hair as he slept on the couch next to me. All of a sudden, you popped him on the head with an open hand. It was a pretty hard hit. You were not trying to be mean or hurtful. In fact, you were a little startled at my reaction and Quinn waking up with a fierce cry. I immediately said, "No, sir! We do not hit! You may not hit your brother. That hurts!" Your bottom lip puckered out and your eyes filled with tears, and you tried really hard not to start crying. I picked Quinn up, and I told you that he was crying because you hit him. I am not sure you understand that he has feelings and things hurt him. I want you to understand this so you know how your actions affect him. I was certainly upset that this happened, but I was pleased at your reaction of remorse and regret. You were definitely sad that he was hurt and that you had caused him pain, and we talked about it as you continued to fight back tears. I asked if you were sad, and you said yes. I asked if you felt like you needed to cry, and you just continued to push that quivering bottom lip out. I hugged you and told you it was okay to cry, and you did. . . for about 10 minutes you cried, and you asked for Daddy and for Grandma. Quinn is okay, and so are you. I know this is the first of many "accidents" as you learn that he's a fragile and delicate baby. I'm trying so hard to keep you from not only hurting him but from getting yourself into trouble or from making choices that you'll regret. I have to protect both of you. I'm sorry this happened, but I'm still very proud of you!