Let It Go

My senior English teacher in high school used to read us excerpts from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson throughout the school year. Her entire goal for reading these passages, and for the novels she chose for us to read that year, was to prepare us for life in college and life away from home and on our own. I learned more about life that year than I did about literature, and I'm grateful! Little did Ms. Prater know that she was also preparing me for life as a mother.

When I was pregnant with Banner, I worried about all the things I'd worry about as a parent. I knew parenthood would come with plenty of anxiety and anxiety-provoking situations and circumstances. And, I also knew I'd have to try my best to let that worry go because I can't control everything, I certainly can't control another human being, and I had no say in so many of the happenings in my little boy's life. Throughout the past two years, I've learned to let more and more go. At times, I'm really proud of myself. Others, I'm really annoyed that I continuously have to learn to let it go. I'm constantly learning not to sweat the small stuff - and even some of the big stuff - in order to function as a healthy person!

Just this morning, I was watching Banner play with Play Doh while Quinn fussed in my arms. I started thinking about how much I can't stand the Play Doh all over the house, how dried up it gets when Banner doesn't put it away, what a waste of money it becomes when it's no longer useful after being chopped into itty bitty dried up pieces and strewn about the floor. The control freak in me wanted to scream, but, ironically enough, I've gained some control over the control freak. I've had to learn to let so many things go over and over again, that I'm used to fighting the freak. It's not easy, but it's becoming common. I'd LOVE to say these things don't bother me at all; after all, they're minor in the big scheme of things. But, they do bother me. I just have learned to live with it and let it go.

As I sat there watching him play, fighting the inner beast that wanted to tell him to get every little morsel of Doh and make sure to put it back in the container with the lid on tight so it doesn't dry up and cause undue tears and superfluous spending on yet another package of mini Play Doh tubs, I had a list of other things I've had to let go running through my head. I thought it would be interesting to share my stream-of-consciousness with my readers, and maybe you can relate. Maybe? Or am I the only one who sits around reflecting on all I've "let go" in order to maintain my sanity and ditch the control freak in me?

Here's a peek into my head:

"-This house is a complete disaster. I need to just get over the fact that my house will always be cluttered until the boys graduate from high school. . .  at least. I can't keep it clean for more than 10 minutes, and I need to move on from freaking out about that.
-And the fact that the laundry has been folded nicely on the couch for three days straight - not put away. Maybe Sam will take the initiative to . . . . never mind. Who am I kidding?
-Laundry - there will always be laundry. And, I'm done stressing if Banner's shirts always have paint stains on them. I'm done doing excessive, skin-burning scrubbing to get out spit up stains, marker, crayon, and other bodily fluids from my children's clothing. And, I'm done trying to keep them clean all the time. Mud, dirt, grass stains, drool, dead bug guts... these are the things little boys are made of. Stop fighting it and embrace it! Learn to LOVE it, Am!
-I can't control the way he plays any more than I can control how, when, and what he eats. He'll eat when he's hungry, and whatever he eats will most likely be processed, nutritionless crap, but oh well - let it go. And, chances are he'll eat way more off the floor than I care to imagine - but at least that's better than the "boogies" he's digging out of his nose and then ingesting. But, again, let it go!
-Just go with it... just go with the ridiculous amounts of "screen time" Banner is putting in each day, let go of the snot he's got pouring out of his nose since the second day of school, don't worry about the fact that he's got his pacis in his mouth out of his bed - he won't go to Kindergarten with a paci in his mouth, and just let it go that he has no interest in potty training. It will come, and it's so not worth the worry right now.
-I need to go work out. Ha!
-I don't have anything that fits me right now. Maternity clothes are too big, my regular clothes too small. I'll just have to make do with what I have. Be comfy, be warm, be at least a tinge of presentable, and move on!
-Let go of trying to keep my car clean, my clothes spit-up-free, and ever leaving the house without back-up everything.
-And, while we're letting things go, let's just recognize the sleep we've had to let go of. Precious, glorious sleep. Oh how we still miss you - it's been two long years without consistent, uninterrupted, deep, worry-less, long bouts of sleep! I'll always worry, even when my boys are grown, and even when I'm on vacation. But, it will get better. It will. It has to. It will... so until then, let it go and suck it up. You're on survival mode now. Just go with it."

I recognize this list may sound whiny; I really am not complaining. I'm just giving you a glimpse into my head - of the self-talk that helps me just let it go and embrace being able to do so. If I lived every day trying to control "the small stuff", each day would be an awful, terrible, no-good, very bad day. It's really quite amazing how far I've come... in fact, sometimes I worry that I've gone too far and border on falling into the "I don't care anymore!"bad parent category. It's not that I don't care. I SO care, and that's why it's so hard. But, every day I have to pick my battles, and quite frankly, there's just too much other stuff to worry about. Like everyone else on this planet, I'm not so great at controlling other humans - never have been, much to my own disappointment. I cannot control the weather, traffic, the flakiness of my others (a topic which deserves its own post!), or the scariness of the world we live in. But, I can control my reactions and responses to all of it. I can control my perspective. And, Ms. Prater (and her beloved Steven Covey and Viktor Frankl) would be glad to know I've accomplished this paradigm shift!

Ms. Prater would be proud that I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. Play Doh on the floor, in the carpet, inside Legos, caked into my socks... it will just have to stay that way for a while. I'm learning to let it go. Every.single.day! But as hard as it is to let all that go, the benefit outweighs the difficulty - because I end up enjoying my boys way more than I could otherwise.

What about you? What have you learned to let go of?