My Baby Daddy (Part 2)

Last year, I posted this about/for Sam. In rereading what I wrote, there isn't a whole lot to add, which is ironic since Sam had only been a daddy for 10 days at that time. I look back at our first year with Banner and can reflect on so many memories in which Sam proved he was an amazing father. You can read his "Guest Post" which tells of specific moments he shares with Banner; you can tell he's a pretty awesome dad. But, now that we have a year under our belts, I thought I'd elaborate on what I know NOW about my "Baby Daddy!" :)

Sam calls Banner his "best friend." Literally, he walks into the room and says, "Hey, Best Friend!" He feels a strong bond to Banner, and Banner certainly feels it too, even if if can't articulate it just yet. There have been times throughout the year when Banner only calms for his daddy, when he only wanted Sam and no one else would do, and he still looks for Sam every morning after Sam has left for work. He walks around the house sometimes saying, "Dada" and hopes to find him in an empty room. Later in the day, Banner squeals when he hears the back door open - and even before that, when he hears the garage door going up, he quickly stands up (almost with a jump!) to start walking to greet Daddy. Banner is a giddier, louder, gigglier kid when Sam is around. We have our fun - don't get me wrong - but having Daddy around makes a world of difference. And, even on my days to sleep in, I can hear Banner's giggles and squeals when Daddy is in charge.

Sam is definitely a lot of fun, but I'd be lying if I said it was all fun and games. I've learned from my "mommy" friends that it's pretty typical for their husbands to get frustrated, annoyed, irritated, and short-tempered when they don't know how to handle a certain situation. I've seen that with Sam. There have been a handful of times when he has all but lost his mind when it came to Banner's crying. He's raised his voice or cussed out of sheer frustration in not knowing how to help his son; there may have even been a baby monitor thrown across the room (although, it just might have been an accident, who knows?). Never has Sam cussed or raised his voice to Banner. You can just tell he doesn't know what to do or how to help, and there's no greater anxiety-provoker than the shrill cries of your child when you don't know what's wrong. These times, while they were awful when they happened, have given Sam and I opportunities to grow and learn from each other. While there have been times that Sam has forced me to be the more patient parent, we later discuss the situation and learn how to better cope in the future. I know there are plenty more opportunities coming our way as our son learns to stand his own ground or become entirely way too willful. But, each time we, as parents, feel the strain and struggle, Sam and I have learned to try to have a sense of humor, to let it go, to do whatever works, and then make a plan for next time. That's pretty much how we have always handled our conflicts... make a plan for next time, and these great talks usually help in future dilemmas.

 
Sam is really good at doing the "dad" stuff with Banner. He loves to get him riled up before bed time, he loves to show him things he shouldn't learn (like how to open the childproof drawer locks), he always takes Banner to water the plants outside and to check the mail, he's let him sit behind the steering wheel (no, not while driving!!), and he encourages the burps and farts. And, Banner has been the best medicine for Sam this hard year of dealing with his mom's death. Sam loved taking Banner on evening walks shortly after Bubbie died, and I know Sam would tell Banner all about her. Banner makes Sam smile, he greets Sam when he returns home from work, and his giggles brighten his days.

Not only is Sam good to Banner, but he's really good to Banner's mommy. He treats me so well, and genuinely respects me. He loves to kiss me in front of Banner, to show him how in love we are. He loves to give family hugs. He cooks when I am too worn out, and he always amazes me at how fast he can clean the clutter in any given room. He listens to my fears and worries, and he makes me feel like a great mom. I feel truly blessed to be married to Banner's amazing father.

Stay tuned for how we spent our Father's Day! 

Party Time!

In choosing a theme for Banner's birthday party, I  thought about what would be easy to plan, cute with lots of bright colors, and appropriate for a first birthday party. I thought of several of his "favorite" books, and we considered Dr. Suess (Fox in Socks, specifically) or Goodnight Moon or The Very Hungry Caterpillar. When I thought of the themes represented in these books, Eric Carle's book seemed to be the most fitting: a caterpillar that becomes a beautiful butterfly. Not only does Banner have all the Eric Carle bath toys, but he has two copies (board book and regular hardback) of the story along with a large stuffed caterpillar from my colleagues at work. I also thought this theme was fitting for Banner because he was a very hungry baby, and he's such a good eater these days! Early on, I remember those days of his awful cry for food, a high pitched (almost) squeal that was both funny and heartbreaking at the same time. Since those early days of that piercing cry, Banner has gotten to be such a fun little eater, and he's become my beautiful butterfly - emerging from this year of infancy into the little boy who cracks us up, melts our hearts, and brightens our days!

Banner's first birthday party was the day after his actual birthday. Here's the invitation we sent out:

These invitations went out to 117 people! Yep, I said it... 117! What can I say? We have a lot of friends and family who love my little boy! :) Of those 117 people invited, 73 people attended (25 of them were kids/babies). So, we had quite a gathering at the park on Sunday. I was so relieved that the rain from the week before had subsided by Saturday, AND because it had rained previously in the week, the temperature was much cooler than it otherwise would have been. However, I did not expect it to be so windy! The wind forced me to nix the decorations we had prepared. I had table cloths that wouldn't stay in place, the food labels (which went with the Hungry Caterpillar theme) wouldn't even stay put with tape, and the balloon banner Sam and I made was a complete mess. But, the party went on well even without the ambiance I had planned for. Bummed? Yes. Worth ruining my attitude for the party? Not at all.

See, although I had spent a lot of time and effort on these cute decorations that would have tied the whole theme and party environment together, I had made the mistake of checking my Facebook news feed while waiting on my mom to get to my house to keep Banner while Sam, my father-in-law, and I set up at the park... and that mistake put everything in perspective. As I scrolled through several posts, I came across a friend's status update which linked to her blog (a blog I have followed regularly but typically through my own blog website - under "Blog Friends" on the right hand side of this page). Her blog post began by informing her readers that her young toddler has cancer. Shocked and heartbroken for my friend, I couldn't continue reading much after that devastating statement. So, I decided to read more later - not before my own son's first birthday party. Yet, after hearing of this awful news, I had an entirely different perspective of Banner's party than I otherwise would have - and anything that went "wrong" was simply no big deal. The wind destroyed my idea for a more festive atmosphere, a dozen cupcakes were accidentally dropped when the bottom of the carrier fell out, the park landscapers were mowing as we were setting food out, and it was too windy for Banner's candles to stay lit at all! But, none of this deterred my attitude while celebrating my healthy son's life. I know too many people who have lost their babies, too many people whose children are not healthy, too many people desperate to have a baby - so I was fully aware that a few mishaps here and there were no big deal at all! I spent the entire party feeling so blessed to be surrounded by such a large group of friends and family who were all with me to celebrate my baby and his journey this year.

Speaking of his journey, I made a video for Banner that Sam & I showed after we sang "Happy Birthday" to Banner and watched him dig into his caterpillar cake. Making the video was so much fun (and heartwarming!) for me. I pretty much cry every time I watch it because almost every picture included in this video is a special picture - documenting a special moment or a first: first smile, first bath, first roll, first crawl, first swim, etc. I watch the video and think back to so many special moments throughout the year (walks with Daddy, Mommy's first day back at work, Father's Day, Hanukkah, loving on Zaide when Bubbie died, meeting my grandpa, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Passover, naps with Mommy, etc...) I think Banner will enjoy having this video when he's older and can really appreciate the significance of these photos/videos. (If you want to see the video, click here!)

After the party ended, Banner took his afternoon nap, and then he opened (well, Sam & I opened) Banner's birthday gifts while Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Brycen, NaNa, Aunt Gayle, Miles, Papa, Grandma, Cherie, Jed, and Avery watched and continued the celebration! Banner got some amazing gifts (gifts I have no idea where we are going to store in this shrinking house of ours!!). I can't wait to play with each of them!

As everyone left our house, I felt a profound sadness that the weekend that I had planned for and waited for was over. I was so sad to wave goodbye to our family and friends and officially end the birthday festivities. It was time for Banner to eat dinner already, and I wasn't ready for the day to start ending! But, after Banner finished his last few bites of his meal, Sam and I decided it really wasn't fair that he didn't get to "make a wish" or "blow out" his candles, so we lit a candle on one of the (many leftover) cupcakes, we sang "Happy Birthday" again, and waited and waited for Banner to blow out the candle.... we had been practicing this for many days ahead of time. But, lo and behold, Banner looked at us like we were crazy, so Sam and I blew out the candle for Banner, and I don't know about Sam, but I made my own special wish for Banner. . . that he have an amazing second year of life, that he stay healthy and strong, that he grow and learn. And in that moment, I couldn't help but think of my friend and her son, and tears were relentless. And, they kept flowing throughout the night. I wasn't a blubbering mess, but I was definitely emotional and teary as I hugged my baby and loved on my family - wanting to hold them close and tight.  You can imagine that saying goodnight to Banner was yet another tearful time.

All in all, the party was a success. There were a few people whose presence was definitely missed, and Sam and I wished desperately that they could have been there. In addition to some of Banner's aunts & uncles who were out of town this weekend, we missed our best friends, Robyn & Jeff, and we all felt the loss of Bubbie. But, all of them were on our minds and in our hearts, and they were with us in some way during the celebration.

Planning Banner's party was a bit stressful but OH so fun! I cannot wait to plan his second birthday party! You probably know me well enough to know I'm already thinking about it! :)

Enjoy a few pictures from the party! Thanks to Cherie and my mom for helping us capture these special moments!

The inspiration for the party theme!

Food labels - had to be torn and taped in order to stay put!

 

The spread - all foods from the book - and the month-by-month caterpillar banner

A full view of the banner - although I had to take this after the party because it was too windy at the park!

Newborn, 1st, and 2nd month photos

3 and 4 months old

5 and 6 months old

7-9 months old

10-12 months old

The birthday boy in his birthday shirt

Love this picture of Grandma at the park

Daddy, Zaide, and Banner: 3 generations

Grandma and Banner

A view of the party

Birthday cake (made with love by Mommy & Daddy)

Trying for a family photo

"Why is everyone staring at me?"

Daddy showing me how it's done!

Yum!

Yay!!

All the kids at the party!

Another family photo

This picture sat next to the party favors

Party favors - soaps with little holes where the caterpillar ate :)

Pears, apples, strawberries, and oranges

Playing with Miles while Daddy opens Banner's gifts!

Daddy felt like it was HIS birthday party!

New toys!

Sleeping bag from Cherie, Jed, & Avery

My Favorite First Year Memories

• Seeing your face for the very first time over the surgery sheet in the operating room.
• Introducing you to the family
• Skin-to-skin in the hospital
• Your first car ride, our first as a family, taking you home!
• Bathing you in the Puj tub
• Seeing your smile. We saw it in your eyes first, and I loved knowing you were happy!
• Holding you at your baby naming while so many friends and family surrounded us as we explained to you the significance of your special name
• Watching Aunt Robin sing "Wheels on the Bus" to you and playing with your feet. You giggled so much!
• Calling Daddy over to watch you right before you rolled over for the first time. I just knew it was about to happen.
• Taking morning naps with you in our bed
• Our first trip to the Arboretum in October for pictures with the pumpkins
• The first party you "hosted" on Halloween
• Watching you give lots of love to Zaide after Bubbie died.
• Knowing you were "with" us a Daddy and I laid three scoops of dirt on Bubbie's coffin for you for your first big mitzvah
• Cold evening walks up and down the block to see the Christmas lights (my favorite house was two doors down, and it had the blinking, color-changing peppermints)
• Taking our first bath together
• The first time you gave me kisses. You did it three times in a row, and one of those times, you actually grabbed my cheeks to turn my face towards you. It was right before bath time in the bathroom. I loved it!
• Watching you take your first few steps. When Daddy got home from work, you took 3 steps to him.
• Watching you play Peek-a-Boo in your high chair by putting your head down and then up again.
• The night you learned how to shake your head "no" in the bath tub. You thought it was so funny! So did I.
• Lighting the menorah with you each night of Hanukkah
• Your first time in the swing at the park
• The first Friday after I went back to work... you fell asleep on the way home, and you actually fell back asleep on me in the recliner once I carefully got you out of the car seat.
• The two nights you wouldn't go back to sleep and ended up in bed with me, cuddling snuggly all night long. One of those nights was at Grandma's house while Daddy was away on business in California. I didn't know what was wrong, and Grandma didn't either. She helped me get comfy in the bed in "your room" there, and we finally both fell asleep. I hated that I didn't know how to help you, but I loved that you finally calmed down and we got to snuggle.
• Introducing you to my Grandpa, your Great-Grandpa
• Our trip to the park on a windy day with Daddy, Grandma, Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Caden, Mara, and Brycen
• Playing "Somewhere Only We Know" over and over again on that one Glee episode and singing it to you.
• Watching you and Landry play "soccer" under Aunt Jacque's table at our New Year's Day brunch
• Introducing you to the tree outside our front door, telling you how it will change through the seasons just like you will, telling you how big it's gotten since I moved into the house, and how you will grow, too.
• When Grandma came over to babysit one night, and she surprised you while you were in the bathtub. You lit up seeing her at your house, and you reached for her. We couldn't get you to sit back down!
• Fast, late-night grocery trips to Central Market with Daddy when you were really little.
• Being surprised by Daddy beating us home from work on Valentine's Day. I also loved playing chase with you that evening
• Watching you lean over to give kisses to your play date girlfriends
• The feel of your hands and the tugging on my pajama pants on a Saturday morning as I washed bottles.
• Introducing you to string cheese sitting on the kitchen floor. You bit off pieces at a time and loved the mozzarella!  
• When Grandma brought you up to visit me at work and we saw Mara in the computer lab. You reached for her when her teacher was holding you.
• Watching you walk from Mommy to Daddy in the den. You veered off-course a little, and then you corrected your steps, and that's when I knew you were truly "walking" and not just taking a few steps. You amazed me with your coordination and balance, and my eyes filled with tears as I tried to muster an audible "Yay!" while clapping. Daddy and I grinned from ear to ear - and I think Daddy even had tears in his eyes, but don't say I said so! 
• Even though I hated leaving you each day, one of my favorite memories is looking back one last time as I drove away to go to work in the morning. I smiled as you toddled in your footsie pajamas down the sidewalk next to Grandma with the sun hitting you both just right to make a gorgeous imprint in my brain.  
• Your first time in the swimming pool.
• The night before your first birthday - giving you your bottle while Daddy told you your birth story.
• Your first birthday - first thing in the morning, waking you up with balloons and then right before bed, watching you toddle around the living room. You were giddy and smiley. You amazed me - like you always do. 
• Watching you eat your first bites of birthday cake.

GUEST POST: Messages from the Dad Side

In honor of Banner's first birthday, Amber has afforded me an opportunity to write a post on her blog.  I've chosen to take this opportunity to write a letter to Banner telling him about our life as he enters his second year, and how I will always look back on his first.

Dear Banner:

Happy Birthday.  I have been pleasantly surprised to have many people tell me "happy birthday" in the past couple of days.  It simply never occurred to me that I would be congratulated for playing a role, however small, in getting you to your first birthday.  As I reflected, however, I do believe it is appropriate.  Your mom and I have changed - and have been forced to change - for numerous reasons this past year, and all the while maintained a single, common goal: keeping you alive and, hopefully, doing so in a fun, stimulating, loving way.  I'd like to take a chance to tell you some of my favorite memories from your first year, several of which only you and I know about (until now).

1) Moments after you were delivered, you and I went back to the labor and delivery room together while the doctors were taking care of Mommy.  The nurse left the room after putting you in a plastic crib underneath a heating device designed to keep you warm.  You laid there crying--you have always had such powerful, passionate emotions.  I talked to you quietly and through my tears, feeling so helpless and wanting so badly for you to know that you were safe.  I wanted to hold you and comfort you, but wasn't sure if I was allowed.  As I stood there speaking under my breath, I only wanted you to know that Mommy and I were there for you and already loved you more than anything before.  I will remember that tender moment between us, a moment of true humility for me, as the moment I knew just how special my new title of "Dad" was.

2) After your circumcision, you would not stop crying in the evening (understandably so).  Upon changing your diaper after not being able to calm you for what seemed like days, I discovered an earring that had accidentally fallen into your diaper, and was between your penis and your belly button.  This was the greatest feeling of sheer terror I have ever felt in my life.  I was mortified that your weenis may have been injured, and that I hadn't had the wits about me to catch this earlier.  I remember that Bubbie and Zadie were over when this discovery was made.  Zadie stood quietly while Mommy and I hurriedly packed up to take you back to the hospital to get everything checked out.  Bubbie was quietly, but noticeably, laughing watching us buzz around in desperation.  At the time, I was annoyed because I thought she was entertained.  Now I realize that her old threat "just wait to you have children of your own!!!" had come true, and she was relishing in watching me transform from her son into your father dad.  I like to think that she was giggling at the joy of seeing how much I loved you, and how protective of you I was being.

3) One night, Mommy saw that West Side Story was playing in the Dallas Summer Musicals in early October.  Mommy didn't particularly want to go, but she knew that Bubbie and I both loved that musical, so she afforded me a night out with my own mommy, your Bubbie.  I stopped by to kiss you goodnight, and then went out on a great date with Bubbie.  We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed dinner, and then we enjoyed watching the show.  After the show, Bubbie and I talked some more and I dropped her off at home.  It was the first time in a long time that Bubbie and I went out just the two of us.  Only a short few weeks later, your Bubbie passed away very unexpectedly, something that knocked the wind out of me.  Your Bubbie and I were very close, and even though I often got frustrated with her before too long when we were together, she was a friend, a confidant, a counselor, and an amazing Bubbie.  Grandma brought you over the morning after Bubbie died - you had slept at Grandma's the night before.  I ran out of the house as soon as I saw you, snatched you out of Grandma's arms, and hugged, kissed, cried you for a single moment that to this day remains frozen in my mind.  Even in what seemed like such a dark moment for me, you were a bright light and a much needed breath of fresh air. Even to this day, I love holding you and kissing you because, in addition to a million other reasons, I know that there is a piece of Bubbie inside of you.  The lesson I want you to take from this story is to NEVER stop loving, appreciating and going on dates with Mommy.  Whether it means going to the zoo, going to a school play, or going to the theatre, you're never too old or too good to make time for your mommy.

4) I love coming home from work.  I can't wait to leave.  In fact, it doesn't matter where I have been.  There is no greater part of my day than walking into the house, hearing your little joyful squeal, and seeing your beaming smile hurdling toward me to greet me.

5) Mother's Day was a tough schedule - and you were amazing. Mommy has been my best friend for half my life. (You have quickly joined those ranks, though. I started calling you "best friend" as early on as I can remember.)  Mother's Day is the one day that everybody honors their mommy on the same day (in our house we try to honor her every day).  That morning was hectic!  We had to scramble eggs, cut roses, get fresh bagels from Einstein's, get you your bottle, get you your oatmeal, get me a cup of coffee, get your diaper changed, and make a hash brown casserole ALL between when you woke up at 6:30 and when it was your naptime at 9:00ish.  I carted you around, asked you to eat quickly, asked you to be patient while I cooked, got you to actually help, and got you to be entertained without so much as a whine or a cry or a whimper from you.  It was like you knew that the day was a special day just for Mommy - and you wanted to be in on it too!

6) You peed on me.  Not a little bit, and not a dodge-able spray from the changing table.  I was actually drenched by your urine.  And you know what? It didn't really gross me out.  Mommy was working late, and I was putting you to bed alone.  After dinner, you played and then had a poopy diaper.  It was only about 20 minutes before your bath time, so I thought I would save a diaper and just let you run around in the buff for 20 minutes.  We had fun, we played, we walked around the house, it was great.  At one moment though, you were sitting on my side/lap as we sat on the carpet playing with some toys.  Then it happened.  Warmth.  Relaxing, soothing warmth.  "Wait," I thought.  "That's not right...we're just sitting in the living room."  I looked down, and there was your pee, coming out of your penis, and right onto my left side.  It occurred to me that I could move you and let you pee all over the carpet, or since I had already been tagged, I could just sit there and take it.  So I sat there, watched you pee on me, and calmly changed immediately after.  You giggled when I started peeling off my pee-soaked clothes in the living room.  I giggled back, and said "you got me!"

Banner, you amaze me.  Your Mommy amazes me.  We are so blessed, so lucky to have each other.  I I have a love for you that I never knew existed.  Every day, you make me proud, you make me laugh, and you make me want to be a better person--because I know you are watching me, absorbing what I do just like I did with Zadie.  I hope that your second year is just as joyful as your first.  And more than anything, I hope you know how much Mommy and I are in love with you.

Love,

Daddy

A Whole Year!!

Dear Banner,
You went and turned ONE on me today! I can't believe we met each other a year ago. While I still remember life without you, I wouldn't want my life like that again - I can't imagine you not being a part of my everyday life. I love you so much, and every day I discover something new about you that I love and my heart continues to hold more love than I thought it ever could. On this special day, I want to tell you two things in this post: 1) all about you at 12 months old, and 2) all about your birthday celebration.

At 12 months old:

• You absolutely love the remote control - yes, typical for a little man! But, your obsession is mostly with taking off the back and emptying the batteries. You have figured out how to do this on almost every remote we have, so we are constantly unable to find the remotes and where you hid them from us. We were going to tape the back of each remote control, but then we decided we think this phase will pass, and the tape would just be one more thing that you would try to eat. While Mommy is TERRIFIED that you will try to eat the battery (um, yes, this could actually result in a 911 call if you did!), we watch you very closely, and we are getting smarter about where to hide the remotes from YOU! Unfortunately, when we go to other people's houses, you go straight for their remotes, too. You little stinker!
• You say "hhhh" when we tell you something is "hot." You seem to understand this word well. 
• We think you say "baba" for bottle. You certainly know what bottle means and look for your bottle when we mention the word. Then, you say "ba" or "baba." Once I even heard you say "ba-ul."
• You are quite the helper when getting dressed. You've done this for a while - helping to push your arms out through the openings, and you don't seem to mind dressing and undressing time.
• You overcame your fear of balloons this month. Mommy worked hard on trying to get you to hold, kick, swat at, and bounce balloons, and just a few days ago you found joy in playing with them.
• You CLAPPED this month (on Memorial Day)! Finally! :) I have been waiting for those two hands to come together in unison (in fact, I was getting a little worried and added it to my list for the doctor since I felt this was such an easy task that you weren't mastering yet). I always knew you were smart so I was wondering why it took so long for you to "get" this skill. You clapped toys together for a long time, so why did you just now clap!? Eh,who cares! You did it, and now you do it so well! I love to watch you clap after we sing or after you do something you are proud of, and now I know you really mean it!
• You're officially a model! :) Amy James went and made you the star of her Shutter Huggers advertisement. We didn't even ask her to do that; she just picked you, sweet boy! 
• You can stand up and walk from a sitting position on your own without any leverage or support from anything now. This took some time for you to learn - you used to crawl to a wall, table, someone's leg, etc. in order to pull up to a standing position, and then you could walk from there. Now, you can simply stand up on your own.
• You had your first SWIM this month! You LOVED the water!! I can't wait to take you swimming more this summer.
• Your great-grandpa Manny died this month. You were actually in the room with him shortly after he passed away. Obviously, you had no idea what had happened, and you went about your day as happy as could be - which was what my grandpa would have wanted. You kept us all entertained even when we were sad, and a few days later, you paid tribute to him by attending your first minyan service. Daddy & I also put some dirt on his coffin for you - which is a big mitzvah (good deed)! 
• I introduced you to blueberries again this month. We have tried them twice before (in puree form), and your eczema flared up. So, we tried again with real, whole blueberries, and you LOVE them (and didn't have any adverse reactions)! I get the really big "giant" kind because those are my favorites, and you adore them!
• You had another cold this month. I thought it might mean more teeth, but I have yet to see any additional ones pop up. I bet they'll come soon! The past 3 months before, you got 2 new teeth per month, and this month you got no new teeth, so I bet they're on their way.
• I still love, love, love when you blow kisses, give kisses, lay your head on my shoulder, or wave bye-bye. You have the most beautiful smile, too! And, Daddy and I cannot get enough of your excited squeals. Just today we were talking about how much we are going to miss those when you stop doing that... we hope you don't any time soon!

Your special day:

• Well, it actually started last night. Daddy and I were putting you to bed, and as I fed you your bottle and held you, Daddy told you the story of your birth (mostly because Mommy was emotional and couldn't talk well). As I put you to bed, I cried a little but laughed at myself for crying - and you laughed with me. You thought it was funny to see tears coming down my cheeks while I smiled at you! That made me smile even bigger, but it didn't take away the reason I was crying. I cried because I feel so lucky to have this beautiful boy in my life, and I can't believe how fast time has gone since I met you! 
• After we put you to bed, Daddy and I sat on the couch, and I teared up thinking about how Bubbie won't be at your party tomorrow. Daddy and I miss her a lot, and even though today was a very happy day (as will be tomorrow), we feel a great sense of sadness that she isn't here to give you a big birthday hug and kiss. I keep imagining her at your party, and then I have to remind myself that she won't be there. But, maybe that's her way of telling me that she WILL be there. . . and I know she is always in our hearts.
• This morning, Daddy and I saw that you were awake, and we tiptoed to get all the balloons we had blown up the night before. When we entered your room, we sang "Happy Birthday" and put all the balloons in your crib (see why it was important for you to overcome the balloon fear??)! You didn't quite seem to know what was going on, but you were all smiles and played with the balloons for a few minutes. I also sang our special morning song to you - and yes, it's all on video for you to watch one day!
• The rest of the day, Daddy and I tried to spend time with you while also preparing for your big birthday party tomorrow. One big special thing that happened was Daddy and Grandma took you to the shoe store to get officially measured for your first pair of shoes. 
• You took an awful second nap! You didn't really nap at all. Maybe you were so excited about your birthday!? But, after almost an hour and a half of you playing in your crib, we got you up to run some more errands.
• A couple times during the day (and once while we were getting you ready for bed), Daddy & I both think you said "Meh-Meh" or "Mee-Mee" when wanting or referring to me. I'm not sure - we'll see, but maybe, just maybe you wanted to say "Mommy" on your first birthday!
• After dinner, Daddy and I played with you in the living room. As you giggled and toddled around, I just watched you thinking about how amazing you are. I thought about how God had a big plan for you and how perfectly God made you. You were this tiny spec that turned into a sweet baby who struggled in the last couple hours before birth, you made your way out of my body safely, and here you are, this growing, learning, living, breathing, joy-bringing boy! I even turned to Daddy and said, "I love us." 

And, I do. I love all of us so much and thank God every day for Daddy, for you, and for our life and love! Banner, I hope you had a wonderful first birthday. Tomorrow, we will celebrate with so many friends and family - so many people who love you and are so happy to know you and watch you grow up. I think back to those first hours together in the hospital and I want them back so badly - to see you again so tiny and small. But, those hours and days were hard on Mommy (& Daddy), and I am glad to know you even better now. I'm glad to be where we are now. And, while I want to freeze time and freeze you growing up so fast, I can't wait to get to know you more! This year will be full of more discoveries for you - talking, running, playing, and lots of new experiences! I am so glad to be your Mommy. Thank you for letting me love you. Happy, happy birthday, Banner Boone!

Bittersweet

The hallways were warm and dark. Teachers had gone home for the summer. The building was quiet, and my desk was cleared off. I gave one last look around my office, grabbed the last box, and locked the door one final time. I handed in my keys and my badge, and that was that. 8 years of a job that was my home away from home, and it's officially over. Lots of stories, memories, experiences, and lessons to take with me, but driving away was bittersweet.

As I walked into Mom's house to get Banner, I was greeted by Mom, Banner, and Kira. Banner walked toward me, Mom smiled, and Kira threw her arms around me. I immediately teared up. I'm not good with change. I felt an overwhelming excitement, fear, anxiety, relief, sadness, and happiness run through me all at the same time. It's just hard to say goodbye to such a big part of me and a big part of my everyday life. Kira had to leave shortly after I got to the house, but she hugged me again and said, "Welcome to your new adventure!" Again, a few tears just because it was nice to hear.

A few minutes later, I was gathering all the odds and ends that Mom had at her house for Banner. I packed up his formula, some pajamas, bibs, and a couple bottles since Mom won't need so many at her house anymore. As we headed out the front door, I hugged Mom and told her thank you for all her help this year. I couldn't really even quite finish my statement before more tears made my voice tremble. She told me there have been times while she's been keeping Banner that were really long or really hard, days that she was bored, and days when she felt isolated. But, she said she wouldn't have changed it for anything, and she was so thankful for the opportunity to spend this time with Banner. She wanted me to know that I might feel the same way some times, but it's so worth it. I agreed and nodded as I cried. I told her that  I was crying because I was so glad she had this time with Banner. I was beyond grateful and thankful that she could be with him each day, and I told her I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to keep him. We hugged, and then we slowly made our way to the car in the rain.

Mom put Banner in his car seat, and she leaned in to kiss him. Before doing so, she got very close to his eyes and said, "I hope maybe you'll remember some of these days and our time together?" She told him how much she loved being with him. And then she kissed him and then me. I reminded her that she'll be keeping Banner two days a week next school year when I'm subbing, which I think made us both feel better that they will still have their special days together. We hugged again, told each other we loved each other, and then I was slowly driving away in the rain - a perfect ending to an emotional day.

Banner and I were both quiet on the way home. That all changed when we walked in the door, though. My quiet baby seemed to want to welcome me to my new full time job of being a "stay-at-home" mom. He was giddy, and he gave lots of hugs. He kept coming over to me while I sat on the floor watching him, and he'd nuzzle up next to me with a smile. It was like he knew I needed him to reassure me that we're going to be okay, that maybe he can like being with me as much as being with Grandma, that I made the right choice, and that he was thankful to have me all to himself.

And, later in the evening, as I rocked him for a few minutes before saying my final goodnight, Banner laid his head on my shoulder, and I told him how much I loved him. Tears fell once again as I told him I am so happy that I get to spend more time with him now, that Mommy doesn't have to go to work in the morning, that I get to watch him grow and learn. I'm sure I'm imagining it, but he seemed to be more relaxed - and so am I! But, I'm still glad it's raining tonight - it makes me feel like God is crying with me today. Crying tears of nostalgia and of sadness, crying of joy and of happiness!

Leaving my room, I took this pic (and edited it for privacy)

What I Knew Then

Disclaimer: Scatter-brained, random thoughts below:

This time last year, I was very pregnant, I was on a modified "bed rest" for pregnancy-induced higher-than-normal blood pressure, and I was anxious to meet my new baby in only a few days. This time last year, I also thought I knew a lot. I'm not saying I was wrong in what I thought, but I had no idea what was coming and how dreadfully misled I was in my thinking that everything would be fine. I never thought having a baby would be easy, but I definitely thought it would be easier than it has been. This year has been full of trial-and-error, guessing games, experiments, and learning curves for everyone in my household. If you had told me a year ago that I'd end up being induced on my due date, that I'd go against my natural plan and request an epidural all too quickly, that I'd end up having a C-section, that breastfeeding would be a complete flop, that I'd have a baby with eczema, that I'd have a baby with reflux, that Sam and I would fight more than ever before, . . . well, I'd tell you that you were so wrong and that everything would be perfect!

What I knew then was nothing. Again, it's not that what I knew then was wrong, per se. It was that I just knew nothing! So many times I've been frustrated at my mother or my best friend for not telling me the truth of what was coming. I've been pissed that I was not privy to this motherly knowledge ahead of time to prepare me. But, as more of my friends have become mothers and I've listened to their "fantasy" stage of pre-mommyhood, I understand why no one told me what was coming or what to REALLY expect. It's something each person has to experience for herself. This year has been a journey of self-discovery and selflessness. I have given up much of what I thought I knew, much of my own wishes/desires, and even some confidence in order to make room for more knowledge, which ultimately has been replaced by even MORE confidence.

Since I was 9, I've always helped take care of little kids... my siblings, kids I babysat, kids I had at the day camps and daycares I worked at, kids I taught, etc. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought once I had my own kid, I'd know even more what to do. But, I was so off. While all of those previous experiences have helped me, I still "wing it" everyday. I've gotten pretty good at it, but I've learned that I don't just know. Mother's intuition, motherly instinct - not sure what that is yet. What I have learned is to trust Banner. He's so damn good at teaching me. I've learned HIM - and he's so good at knowing what he needs. I still worry like crazy, and just when I think I won't worry anymore, I worry some more. That will never go away, so I'm learning to be good friends with my worry. I still also doubt myself on a daily basis at some point - even if it's minor. I question decisions all the time - should I be putting him to bed later, should I sing to him more, should I help him or let him try himself, should I feed him less/more, should I put the humidifier on, should I have given him that medicine tonight, etc!!!

I feel like I need to rewrite the book What to Expect When You're Expecting as well as What to Expect the First Year. I could make billions with a one-page life-long lesson: Expect to know nothing. Expect the unexpected. Expect to feel overwhelmed, overtired, and overworked. But, in the end of the first year, expect to feel entirely in love, entirely proud of yourself, and entirely overjoyed with this little baby who will change everything you know.