Four's a Crowd, But I Will Miss the Company

Tonight was fairly uneventful. Sam got home late from work, I got to hang out with my niece and nephew at my mom's house. I started organizing some of the wedding pictures. I watched TV and ate some left-overs from last night just waiting for Sam to get home. He got home and mowed, we cuddled and discussed our day, and then my sister and her boyfriend came home. Then, the night became more eventful.

I knew it was coming. We had talked about it for a long time now, at least all summer if not long before. The lease has been signed for about 2 weeks now, and they started slowly moving things. But, tonight marks the first night that my little sister will sleep in her own place. She's officially moved out (minus the few odds and ends that she'll come back for in the next few days). She and her boyfriend moved the bed out, the dressers, the TV, and most of her essential toiletries (which is a LOT, if you know K!).

K has been my roommate for 27 years if you start from day 1. But, as adults, we've lived together for over 5 years. We had our own apartment for 2.5 years, and then she stayed with me when I bought my house 2.5 years ago. She has always been welcome to stay, but when Sam and I got engaged, we all knew it was time to start thinking about how we would move on from our current living situation. K and I both know it's best for Sam and I to have our own space to develop our own new family. We also know it's best for her and her boyfriend to have their own space and time to develop their relationship. It's just really hard to say goodbye after so many years together - knowing we'll never live together again (unless we're really old and have outlived everyone, probably plucking each other's eyebrows and wiping the other's tush!). It's hard to say goodbye to any roommate. I've said goodbye to Leah, Jessica, Laura, and Robyn...knowing we'd all remember those crazy college days and miss each other and the memories we created. Imagine 5 years of those memories - MORE if you count the other 22 years before moving out of Mom's house. It's just plain hard.

In May, K's boyfriend (E) moved in with us, too. He had come home from college and, since he had always stayed with us during vacation/breaks, he just naturally moved in and became the fourth resident of this house. We had nights of Cranium, laughing hysterically at & with each other. We would play Rock Band or Newlywed Game or watch movies together. So, I'll miss those times.

Don't misunderstand - I'm SO excited to have the house to just me and my husband. Sam and I have been waiting to have our own space. But, we'll miss those times with K and E. We had all begun to have our own routines, systems, ways of doing things. It was confusing at times, frustrating at times, crowded at times. Yet, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

K was beyond helpful in the past year, helping my mom and me plan the big wedding weekend, organizing showers and parties, and just being there for me to vent to or cry with. This summer, she was the most outstanding maid-of-honor I could have asked for. She's put herself through school, worked, studied, helped take care of our niece and nephew, and worked some more at night. There were nights (many!) that I never even saw her - because she was overwhelmed with late nights at work or out at class for longer than I could stay up to see her. We cooked for each other, shopped for the house or bought groceries together, cleaned together, and paid bills together. What a truly bonding experience I'm so glad I got to share with my sister.

I know K and E will learn so much about each other on their own. They'll grow in their relationship, and it this is a good move. But, K. . . I want you to know how much I love you, how much I'll miss you, and how I would not have changed a thing about our room mate situation (okay, maybe I'd clean up a little more, but I wouldn't be me if i weren't a little messy!). I wish you the best with your move as you set up your own home with your own personality. I still want to have those Cranium nights, and we'll still cuddle up on the couch watching our Thursday and Sunday night shows. You've been the best roommate, the best friend, the best sister. I love you so much and miss you already. (Sam has ratified this post - as he lays next to me crying --- NO, I'm the one crying, not him! We both love you and can't wait to see your new place!) Mazel Tov on your new home, and happy house-warming, Kiki!

Nothing to Fear?

When Sam and I were just dating. . . yet well-aware we were headed towards forever. . . I had lots of worries, lots of fear, lots of commitment issues. None of those fears had anything to do with Sam, per se. It was more the fear of starting my future and hoping for the best when many members of my family had gone through the worst crisis - divorce, betrayal, infidelity, money issues, just to name a few. How could I be any different than them? How would I avoid the messes they had found themselves in (by no choice of their own, I might add!)? How could Sam and I make it, even with the best intentions, through the challenges and struggles of life and stay on the same page as a happily married couple raising a family? These were my concerns... my big, big fears that kept me telling Sam to hold off on thinking more seriously, to hold off on moving in, to hold off on proposing. It actually made my stomach turn just thinking of him asking me to marry him. I remember LAST June ('08), a dear friend of mine got engaged, and while I was thrilled for her, it threw me into crisis over my future with Sam and what fate had in store. I was really worried about what this fear might mean. Sam and I had numerous conversations and even some therapy sessions to help me through it all. I knew he was who I wanted; I wanted a future family with him; I wanted him with me by my side. So, why the fear?

Well, to fast forward through some of the events that helped me through. . . Sam knew just not to talk to me about the potential future, not to mention when the ring would make it's way to my finger, not to focus on the inevitable wedding planning and nuptials. He even told me, "I'm not going to tell you anything, and I'm not going to talk about it. I know you'll be fine when it all happens, you're just anxious." He was right. Once that question was popped and the ring was settled quite nicely on my finger, I was "in it!" A few times throughout the year of planning, I stopped to ask myself if this is really what I want - marriage, family, Sam. And, I think all the anxiety is completely normal given my family history. Other than that, I was so ready and so excited. But, I never lost sight of what the wedding meant - we were always focused on the marriage.

I have heard many of my married friends talk about how they had questioned their decision to marry AFTER their wedding. They woke up the next morning and panicked. They freaked out when they got home from the wedding weekend. They spent the next few months wondering if they'd made a mistake. NONE of that has happened to me. . . okay, the morning after, I DID wake up and say to myself, "Holy shit! I'm married!" But, that was the extent of it. I was so comfortable in this new role as a wife. And, although it's only been 2 and a half weeks, I've never felt like I made a mistake - I firmly believe I did the right thing. The wedding was more of an anxiety producer than the idea of marriage, honestly. If anything, people have been saying, "Marriage really suits you!" as they complement how happy and beautiful I seem to look (their words, not mine!). And, they're right, though. I feel like I'm glowing. I really could not be happier!

However, just Sunday night, I had trouble sleeping. Yes, most Sundays are hard for me to sleep, but this particular sleepless night was full of terrible worries and fears yet again. My stomach didn't turn this time. This time, it was more of a "I can't stop thinking" kind of feeling. My biggest fear now is more of not being able to get enough of Sam. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with him, but the fear of what could end that life is so overwhelming and scary. Never before have I felt such a sense of existentialism. I have been thinking a lot about life and how limited it is, how fragile it is, how mysterious it can all be. I am so afraid of losing Sam or of not having enough time with him or my family with him. I'm terrified that forever will be too short.

My parents, my friends, my family would all say about marriage: there's nothing to fear. But, there is! There's so much out of our control, and I just hope and pray that Sam and I can have a long forever. . . a full life together. When I was little, I worried about things like fires, tornadoes, accidents, crimes against my family. . . all the things that could go wrong and how horribly depressed I would be if anything happened to my family members or if they ever suffered for any reason. Maybe it's because my parents were divorced, and I worried about the other parent when I wasn't with him/her to know what was happening, to know I was there to "protect" them or at least try to control what I could to stop anything from happening to them. I was the kid that came home from a fire safety lesson and wanted to map out and practice our escape plan with the whole family. I made my father buy an escape ladder for the second story window. I would have awful thoughts of any number of possibilities. I suppose now that I'm starting my own family, it should be slightly expected that my fears for my husband are just as great. Only this time, as an adult, I'm also terrified of getting older, getting sick, getting hurt, losing our youth, losing our early years.

I recognize I'm very young still, but I also realize time flies. I also remember my grandmother saying that she felt the same at 70-something as she did at 20-something. I have heard so many family members talk of their early newlywed days as if they were just yesterday. And, we all know how old we got so quickly, right?! Maybe some of these feelings were also brought on by my visit to the cemetery the week before my wedding - recognizing how short a life can be, remembering my grandparents' lives as a snapshot of time, or knowing one day my granddaughter will visit my grave. I'm not sure what brought it on. . . it's just on my mind and definitely scaring me a lot lately.

It's only natural to feel this way - to savor the time we have together and hope it lasts. I already miss the feeling of standing next to my husband in my wedding gown feeding him his cake. That flew by all too quickly. So, I want to cherish each day - hoping there are so many more to come, but being patient and taking each day one at a time. . . together.

How's Married Life?

I can't tell you the number of times I have heard this question in the past week and a half. I asked Sam if he's been getting that question a lot, too, and of course he has! I guess I asked the same question to all my newlywed friends after their weddings, but wow! It's been a LOT! Sam and I joked about how we could just shock people with responses similar to: "Ugh! It's horrible!" or "Big mistake!" We got a kick out of just thinking how we could respond to this over-asked question. Honestly, what do people expect us to say? It's similar to the "Are you nervous?" question we received before the wedding. Mostly, it's the same conversation starter as, "How are you?" when you really don't care how the person is. You're just asking to make conversation at the symbolic water cooler. . . in my line of work, the materials center or the school hallway.

Again, let me reiterate that I'm not upset or bothered by this question, it's just a question I don't know exactly how I'm supposed to answer. I welcome the conversation, but do people really have time for me to elaborate on how great it is yet how it's the same as before? Do they really want more than just a "It's good! Thanks for asking."? That's why we thought it would be so funny to throw the questioner off with a "It's miserable. What was I thinking?!" response. :)

So, let me take the time that I'm giving to this blog to answer that question: How is married life?

Married life is awesome so far! I love it. It's very much the same as our pre-marriage life - nothing has changed physically in our home (except the amazing pile of fabulous gifts that have poured in!), our responsibilities are still the same (bills, groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting up for work, being productive at work), and our feelings for each other are not any different. However, there is definitely more of a sense of family. There is definitely a stronger bond or feeling of need for the other's presence. I feel like I glow when Sam gets home from work. I feel like crawling back into bed with him after getting ready for work (when he's still sleeping) just to cuddle. I feel worried about him more than ever before. I feel more responsible for my well-being and that of my home. So, there is a bit of a difference - a very nice, welcome one at that!

The first time I ever noticed this connection/feeling was when we checked into the hotel we stayed at the night after the wedding. Sam gave his name, and I felt like that was me as well. . . a sense of ownership of him and his name. . . YES, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T CHANGE MINE! I felt like we were a family at that moment. I felt it again, when we paid for brunch the next morning. Since, at that time, we didn't have joint accounts yet, I decided to put the brunch meal on my card. When I signed my name on the check, even though I signed the same name I had weeks before, I still felt. . . married! It was weird. I can't really describe that. I felt more mature? More reliable? More dignified? I don't really know how to explain such a feeling. It sparked conversation for Sam and me at that moment about how it felt okay to not share the same last name. My cousin, the day after the wedding, had talked about how you're more of a family when you share the same last name. The epiphany I had, given how Sam and I feel about each other, is that you feel like more of a family because you're married, not because you share the same last name. The only problem is my cousin wouldn't know that because she changed her name, therefore drawing the conclusion that the name change was the reason for feeling like a family. I beg to argue that it's the marriage that causes that family-feeling. Perhaps one could argue that I'm not as deep in my feeling of family as she is (or any other woman who chose to change her name) because I didn't change my name. And, there never will be a way to know the answer to this enigma. No one can judge a degree of a feeling. No one can say I love Sam more than another woman loves her husband or that another woman feels more connected to her husband than I do. You could just never know that. I'm just presenting the possibility that the process of getting married, the process of having a big wedding, the love and support you recognize and receive from your families and friends, and the growth and maturity of a relationship cause you to feel more of a family unit, not the name change.

It's just been really interesting hearing everyone's perspective on marriage, questioning of non-name-taking, questioning of the married life, and all this "aftermath" of a wedding! Another change Sam and I have both noticed is the feeling of respect we gather from our co-workers or clients. Parents knowing I'm married makes them respect and trust me more - at least it seems. Sam's boss welcomed him more than ever before when he returned back to work as someone's husband. Maybe people believe you're more stable or permanent when you have a spouse who depends on you to be stable. I don't know. I only know it's been interesting!

For purposes of this blog, I felt I needed to explain all of these experiences we've had. It's been such a learning process. I miss my wedding so much, and I'd be thrilled to do it all again (minus the hectic year of planning!). That won't happen, I know. But, the good news is that Sam and I have a lifetime together. It honestly makes me so happy to think about all the future holds and the possibilities that await us together. After years on & off of long-distance and having to say goodbye to each other after too little time together, I almost get giddy to think that we never have to say goodbye to each other. We get to spend forever together! That's married life!

The Knot and The Nest

Coming home from the wedding weekend, Sam and I were overwhelmed with what still needed to be completed in order to get our lives back to "normal" again. We had to return borrowed items, return duplicate gifts, set up our joint bank accounts, clean up after unpacking our wedding weekend suitcases, write our thank you notes, take our clothes to the cleaners, get my dress preserved, and all the other chores/errands that would naturally occur without the wedding weekend (laundry, dishes, dusting, paying bills, grocery shopping). We still wanted to relax and enjoy our "high" of newlywed-hood, but life must go on, right!? We had to return to work. We had to part from each other at some point. We could not live in the wedding weekend forever. One week out now, I wanted to share some pictures and reflections from our weekend and week after!

Here are some pictures from the wedding weekend . . . just a few that will remind me of our amazing friends, family, and time together:

We also had to complete our home project - most of which was finished weeks ago, thank goodness! But, just the little odds and ends that needed to be completed were still there waiting for us. The thing about moving on past tying the knot is that the house/nest is still there waiting for you to start building it, repairing it, bringing love and joy into it. The next goal of our relationship is to continue to build and develop a home full of rich tradition, love enough for us and our extended family, open doors to our friends, and comfort and nourishment to provide later to our children. To start all of that, we decided to add some room to our living space, change up the lighting in the kitchen, and add a few touches with some new lighting fixtures in the dining room. What a project!
Here are some pictures of before/after:

This is the picture looking in from the kitchen to the wet bar. Sam and his dad demolished this entire wet bar in one day (I took the first few swings with the sledge hammer, though!)

The picture above is taken from the other side of the wet bar, from the den/TV room area. The jutting counter top made planning for our TV room difficult, and we never really used the wet bar anyway! Say good bye counter!!




Next, it was time to remove the cabinet/sink and the tile floor where the wet bar was, as well as pay a plumber to cap the sink pipes:



Then, Sam got right to work on putting the dry wall up to close up the doorway into the kitchen:


Getting closer!! It was now time to start painting and re-texturing the walls in the den area! This was the biggest part I helped with - even with a painful back! :) We were a great team:



Of course, we have a very high vaulted ceiling, so Sam got creative with how he wanted to paint the highest corners and spaces at the top of the wall/ceiling:




The kitchen wall was also painted to match the rest of the kitchen which we painted blue two summers ago:

The sheet hanging was to help prevent dust from continuing to settle in the kitchen. There was dust for days after demolishing the wet bar counter. . . I don't know if we'll ever fully get rid of that dust!! Eesh!

Then, we tore out the carpeting, and hired installers to put our bamboo flooring in. They had to lay a layer of cement down before completing the project:



And, the finished product looks something like this when the room is empty:


The last image here is taken from the living room looking into our new "media" room! Yes, Sam installed surround sound, and the TV is now in place, across the room from the comfy couch and our Ketubah hanging above the couch:



So, with new lighting, a new room, and the satisfaction of having done almost all of the remodeling ourselves, we have a new space for us to feel at home in! I know we're not done with all the remodeling we want to do, but we're at a good stopping point for now! Can't wait to have more friends and family over to entertain in this room. For now, we're enjoying relaxing (finally, after the wedding) together on the couch or playing Beatles Rock Band and singing our hearts out!

I'll Always Remember

From the moment the wedding weekend ended, Sam and I have relived and retold stories and memories of our special weekend with family, friends, and each other. There are several memories that will stick with me forever, and I have wanted to blog about these since then! Finally, I'm finding a small free moment to get them all out.

• I'll always remember when Sam walked into the ceremony room to see me for the first time in my wedding gown under the Chuppah. I'll always remember the silence and serenity of such a sweet, special moment all our own.
  
• I'll always remember the heart-to-heart my mom and I shared before getting dressed for the big event. She cradled my picture frame gift I gave her - a double 4x6 frame of a picture of me dressed as a bride when I was about 6 or 7 adjacent to another picture of me in my wedding gown at my bridal portrait shoot. She just rocked it and cried like it was the best gift she had ever received. I'll never forget our hug and her embrace that morning.
• I'll also never forget the one-on-one, quiet moment my sister and I shared when I gave her the card I wrote her to say my deepest, heartfelt thank yous for all she's done this past year. We rocked each other, mourning our childhood giggles but celebrating this new chapter in both of our lives as we add Sam to our family.
  
• I'll always remember the feeling of my late grandma's hug around me at the cemetery just a week before the wedding. I swear she hugged me and told me she was with me.
• I'll always remember looking at each of my siblings under the Chuppah one at a time at different points in the ceremony. I'll never forget looking at each of my best friends and winking at one to let her know how special she is to me. I'll never forget the feeling of complete "rightness" with the world that all the people I love were right there with me supporting me and Sam.
• I'll always remember the support and warmth I felt from Sam's hand throughout the ceremony and throughout the rest of the night.
• I'll always remember how amazing the food tasted!
• I'll always remember the last kiss from my brother before walking down the aisle, knowing he supported me and wished me well before taking this big step.
• I'll never forget the feeling right before the doors to the ceremony room opened before I walked down the aisle. It was my last moment just to myself - ending with one deep breath and a reminder that I'm still me, I can do this, and it's all about me and Sam.
• I'll always remember the fun I shared with my good friends that night... taking pictures, sharing hugs, telling each other we love each other, and fighting back tears through our joy. I'll always remember being excited for my friends who are engaged knowing they were next to understand this excitement!
• I'll always remember the long talks Sam and I shared the next few days at our special hide-away semi-honeymoon. We sat by the pool at night on lounge chairs in the breeze just remembering so many aspects of the wedding; we sat near a waterfall for hours just planning our life together; we embraced each other on a bridge talking about how much we love each other. What a perfect way to end a phenomenal weekend.
• I'll always remember the dance with my dad as I told him I had thought about this dance for a long time and how he told me how much he loved me.
• I'll always remember my work friends partying with me like we've never partied before! We laughed and hugged, and it was so nice to feel that love from them when I returned to work, too!
• I'll always remember my cousins and how they were unconditionally there for me along with their parents and children.
• I'll always remember looking out from the Chuppah and feeling so loved, supported, nourished, respected.
• I'll always remember the way Sam stopped mid-aisle at the recessional to give me one more big kiss in a romantic dip.
• I'll always remember the utter happiness, silliness, and looks of love from my mom, my sister, my brother, my nephew, and my niece when they performed a fun dance to "Blame it on the Boogie" by Michael Jackson. Their surprise was well planned and well executed and enjoyed by all, and I'll never forget the love I felt from them at that moment, and I'll never forget the image I have of them singing and dancing for me and Sam - I'll carry that image with me forever.
• I'll always remember the amazing speeches we heard at our rehearsal dinner from aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, siblings, and parents. I felt so loved, so truly admired by my family and friends, and that feeling will take me far and remind me of how much we are supported in times of difficulty and challenge.
• I'll always remember the way my new mother-in-law looked at me when she saw me in my dress for the first time - saying she felt like she had given birth to me herself as she was so blown away by me in my gown.
• I'll always remember the feeling of weightlessness while being lifted in the air on the Hora chairs while Sam and I bobbed up and down and held on for dear life!
• I'll always remember that walk down the aisle with Mom on one arm and Dad on the other and Sam staring right at me. How perfect the world was at that moment!
• I'll always remember speaking to Sam at our Ketubah signing and hearing what he wrote to me, watching his chin tremble with a dedicated attempt to hold back tears.
• I'll always remember my sister singing to Sam and me that night - Stay With You - as Sam and I danced right in front of her.
• I'll always remember the look on Sam's face and the joy I felt when I sang with my brother and my sister in a surprise rendition of "That's How You Know He Loves You" from Enchanted (the movie).
  
• I'll always remember the feeling of strong, strong, strong emotion and love for my new husband. I didn't think I could love him more, but I feel so connected to him after the whole weekend - I feel like we are now a family! Yes, even though I did not change my name, I still feel like we are a family and are more deeply connected and in love than ever before. (More blogging on this another time...)

Such amazing memories to take in and cherish. There are so many other unforgettable moments I'll hold in my mind (anyone who knows me will assure you these memories are safe in my head - the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings are memorized and engraved for my safe keeping). Too many to mention, these special times are forever with me. I'll Always Remember what a beautiful weekend it was - inside and out!

So Much Love

So, the wedding weekend is officially over. It's hard to believe it has come and gone so quickly, but we are left with so many amazing memories, so many fantastic images and messages of love from so many people. Here's a way-too-brief recap of what I will consider the best weekend of my life:

Friday: Met my mom, my sister, niece, and three best friends to get our nails done for the big event. Had lunch with niece and best friends before picking up my nephew at school. Got ready for services at the temple. Got blessed by the rabbi during services. . . a very touching, heart-felt message and blessing while parents and siblings looked on. Went to dinner with the immediate families before heading to my mom's for one last single sleepover at my childhood home. Spent last waking minutes reminiscing with Mom and talking about my relationship with Sam. Had a few minor stomach attacks brought on by nerves, but otherwise slept well.

Saturday: Got up to go to bridesmaids luncheon. . . it was so nice! That was the first official wedding event, and it was great to spend some down time with my girls. Went to the hotel for the ceremony rehearsal. . . everyone loved our shirts I bought as a surprise for Sam. Tweaked the wedding ceremony processional and recessional. Then, it was time to get ready for rehearsal dinner. A little bit of chaos between events, and it was finally time to hear some amazing speeches and see family and friends in from out of town. What a fabulous night! All too quickly, it was time to say goodnight to Sam before midnight and not see or speak to him until late the next evening.





Sunday: Wake up at 9:30 to wash hair and cuddle with niece and nephew. Meet bridesmaids and spend the day getting hair and make-up all fixed up. Had some private time with Mom and with sister. Waited under the chuppah to see my groom for the first time. Pictures and more pictures! Then, Ketubah signing in a separate room. We read our vows to each other and signed our license after a special parents' prayer. Then, it was time to walk down the aisle. A brief ceremony later, we were alone in a special time for just us and dinner before heading to the reception where we danced the night away, ate cake, drank wine, took lots of pictures, and shared a special (few) dance(s). In the blink of an eye, the night was past us, and we were running under a shower of rose petals to get on the horse-drawn carriage for a midnight ride just the two of us. We made our way back to the hotel, and it was a night to remember! ;)





Monday: Woke up at 9:30 to shower and get ready for a morning-after brunch. Headed to the restaurant for brunch to tell our out of town guests goodbye and thank the rest of our family and friends for being there all weekend for us. After that, we headed back home to quickly restock our suitcases for a weekend at an amazing hotel in a nearby town. The next two days were spent enjoying each others' company, remembering, reflecting, and loving each other!





What a fabulous, fabulous time we've had! In the next few days, I will blog more about my memories of specific events and what I've learned over the past year and more importantly, the past few days. I'm so not ready to join the real world again, but I am loving my husband more than I've ever loved him before, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm on a high that I don't want to end. The good news I have to focus on is that I have this amazing man by my side who shares all the same feelings and thoughts about this past weekend. He's missing it all the same as I am, but we have each other for the rest of our lives, and that's a high I will never come down from!

On the Verge of Married Life

It's official! Wheels are in motion for an exciting wedding weekend. This is it, everyone! Hold on tight!

Mom and I officially began to get our well-planned, long-awaited weekend in gear. We took a whole bunch of odds and ends to the hotel today. We have agendas for timing for each day starting tomorrow morning. . . of course, I still have some items to cross off my checklist tonight. I've heard from friends and family around the country, and Mom's heard from even more. Everyone's wanting to check on us, offer to do anything, see how we're feeling, wish us good thoughts, and let us know they're thinking of us. They're wanting to be a part of this exciting time - to share in our joy and excitement. That word "excitement" is getting very redundant, but it's the only word to describe this feeling. I'm on the verge of married life, and there's no looking back!

All the legal stuff is done and in place. All the wedding plans are finalized and double-checked. All the feelings are right on target. All the family and friends are on their way starting today! All the gifts keep rolling in - sometimes four or five boxes awaiting our arrival from work! All the clothes are ready to be worn!

My skin is tan, my nails will be done, my hair has grown, my face is holding up so far (only a few minor blemishes), my feet are hanging in there after 3 weeks back at work, and my nerves are calmer than I thought they would be.

Tonight will be my last night with Sam as an unmarried woman. We're going to be separated for the weekend nights. It will remind me of living apart from him, and it will bring me back to when I lived at my mom's and had to wait to see him. I still feel like the same girl I did back then - just a little wiser. I just hope to stay calm and relaxed and "keep my eye on the prize" to get through all the chaos and potential drama that could present itself.

But, it's GO TIME! I'm going to cherish every moment - thinking of all those who can't be with me this weekend (both living and not living), memorizing my mother's and my father's faces when they see me in my gown, focusing on Sam as I walk down the aisle, hearing all the toasts and roasts, and being overwhelmed by any surprises I know my family has in store!

Let's get me married!!!

So Close, Yet So Far Away

It's been a while since I've been on my site blogging, but I felt the need to do so at this very pressing, stressful time. We're only a few days out from the wedding, and let me just catch you up. In the past three weeks, I've returned to work - forcing myself (yet glad for the change) to stop meddling with wedding planning and start working for the students and faculty at my school. Times have been rough, with work being a priority but the wedding being imminent and a once-in-a-lifetime event that requires time, planning, attention, and patience. We're at T minus 4 days, and I feel both anxious and relaxed.

I've received the following questions from coworkers, friends, and family in the past two weeks:
-Are you excited?
-Are you nervous?
-Are you done planning? Is everything ready to go?
-Aren't you so happy?
-Why are you still at work?
-Why aren't you off doing other things besides working?
-Why are you not taking more time off after?
-Can you believe you're getting married this week?!
-Can I do anything to help?

Then, there are the comments:
-You look stressed.
-You look so tan.
-You look like you're glowing.
-You sound kind of faint; your voice is just quieter than normal. I'm worried about you.
-You're going to look so beautiful.

This doesn't include the advice I've gotten, too. I just think it's interesting how so many people say the same things. I appreciate that everyone's so involved, curious, interested, concerned, etc. And, I don't have an opinion about any of this... I just wanted to remember the last few days and document what life was like right before the wedding.

People wonder what this time is like. I remember thinking about all the brides I have known in the past and what they did and thought about the week before the wedding. Just a few brief peeks inside my mind, and you'll see me worrying about: writing my thank you notes, if I have all the gifts I need to give, how emotional I might be, how I'll really miss my grandma that day, if everyone will behave and just let Sam and me have this moment as WE want it (not as THEY want it), if I'll remember to pack everything I need, if all this worrying will cause me to break out or have stomach aches or gray hair before the big day, if my nephew's face will heal in time for pictures (he got a little beaten up over last weekend), if the kids will behave, if the vendors will show up in time with the appropriate items, if my hair and make-up will turn out right, if my dress will be wrinkled or not, if my bridesmaids will all have their dresses on time, if Sam will remember to get a haircut, if all the table settings are in place and everyone has a seat, if the songs we picked will sound good, if my work will still get done even though I'm missing so many days, if my shoes are going to be comfortable enough for me to not have to limp down the aisle, how my back will hold out with all this stress and worrying.

All the stress and unnecessary worrying has caused my family to be inappropriately "on edge." We all just need to take this week to unwind and remember what's important. Like I said in a previous blog, at the end of the night, Sam and I will still be married. That's all that matters. I need to remember why I love him and have wanted for a long time to spend the rest of my life with him - which is hard to do when there's so many other things to think about. So, I've made a wedding mix on my IPod, and I hope I remember to listen to it on the wedding day to keep me calm. (Yes, another thing to remember to do!) I started listening to it the other day, on the way to the cemetery to pay respects to my grandparents, uncle, and cousin. It helped me get in a mind-set of peace, serenity, and relaxation to reflect on the important parts of this week. I felt like I started the week off by entering into a week of peace and calm. Sam and I went to see a movie last night, yes on a Monday night in the middle of all this stress. It was the best thing we could have done. . . to just forget about everything - forget about people who keep making decisions for us, forget about the upcoming nuptuals and the to-do lists floating around my house, forget about the projects we have at work and at home, forget about the people and things that keep us constantly thinking! It was so nice to just sit in a movie theater and calm down.

I think all-in-all I'm doing okay. I'm hanging in there, getting through my work week before packing up and freaking out! I'm doing okay. . . people are even impressed that we're still writing thank you notes or that we're still working this week. Honestly, I think I need to maintain sameness. I'm super-excited about seeing family members and friends from out of town, and I'm so excited to see everyone together. I can't wait to see the look on Sam's face this weekend when I'm walking (hopefully - not limping!) down the aisle. But, until then, I just need to calm down and take it one moment at a time.

An Opportunity to Create

Last week, we had our last meeting with the rabbi before the wedding. It was a great session, and I wanted to share a little bit of our discussion. We discussed that marriage is often viewed as a great change in a person's life. I explained that I don't see it that way, and I don't want to think that everything is going to change. I went on to say that I like the way things are right now - that we can spend time with our families together and apart, that we can have time with each other, that we spend holidays equally with each other's family, that we allot time for friends, that we balance work with home (as much as Sam's boss will let him!), that we do things by ourselves (alone) to make time for each of ourselves, etc. I don't want those things to change. The rabbi replied that marriage is really not about "change," but the "opportunity to create" something new. Marriage is our time to create a new family, a new way of existing in the world. It's our time to CREATE our space in the world and not necessarily "change."

We had a couple's counselor who alluded to this idea, as well. She suggested that we create a contract or a written plan of what we want our life together to be like. She explained that we could write out how we want to handle certain situations, what our expectations are, how we will spend time together, and so many other ideas. Although we have not formally written out a plan, we have had numerous discussions about our plans to "create" our space and our relationship.

I just liked this idea about creativity and wanted to share it. When you look at marriage as the opportunity to be creative and not as a means to change an existing relationship or life, it's so much nicer and easier to take on. Marriage should be different than the single life. Things will be different. But, what's so awesome is that Sam and I get to decide that for ourselves. We get to figure out what we want and what works for us. It's not about changing everything; it's about the creation of a bond and family tie that's just for us and how we want to exist together in this world.

When you're born you are a completely dependent person. You then learn how to become independent - counting on yourself to fulfill your needs. That's the very goal of becoming an adult - to make your own money, pay your own bills, take care of yourself, do the grocery shopping, take care of your belongings (car, house), manage time with family and friends. But, the ultimate goal, even according to Stephen Covey (author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), is to become interdependent. To be able to count on someone else, to share responsibility and depend on each other - that is the highest level of functioning. You're not just trusting in yourself to get something accomplished; you're giving up control to another person, trusting in them to allow you to both function. This is a goal of marriage (as it is in society, having a family, or being a great leader) - to learn to lean on each other and know that tasks will be accomplished to the benefit of both individuals. The goal is NOT to become one person with only one set of needs. Sam and I are two unique individuals. The goal IS to continue to develop the connection/connectivity between us. This may look a little different in every relationship. Again, the chance to create this bond and this interdependence is the interesting, exciting part. Now, if only Sam would stop procrastinating so I know I can relinquish that control, we would be much better off! But, I know, he'll get to that later! :)

Date Night

Oh, how I love date nights! I love it when Sam comes home from work, and I get back from Mom's after a couple hours of wedding talk, and we have absolutely no plans for the night - the night after days & days of busi-ness and a weekend ahead of more packed schedules. We actually get to hang out just the two of us and spend time talking - NOT about wedding planning! It's nice to just go get some dinner and talk about work, our families, our friends, our goals for the future, our housing project, just anything! We can solve the problems of the world together, it feels like, as we just chit-chat and enjoy each other's company. I love being able to just hold Sam's hand throughout a movie and then spend the entire evening thereafter analyzing the plot and the characters, thinking through the storyline, and saying what we liked and disliked about it.

I kind of can't wait until this wedding planning is over. I am psyched for the actual event, but the planning bit is overkill. For a year now, we have been planning and thinking, thinking and planning. I'm just done at this point! I can't wait for the over-analyzing of the planning to be completed so we can actually enjoy the evening and all the memories. I will miss all the extra time Mom and I have spent together and my sister and me, but it's been yet another experience that we can all add to our list of things we did together, that we planned on our own and pulled through together. Sam and I are just ready to move on from this planning process - enjoy the event, hang out with friends and family, and then finally be married and enjoy just hanging out with each other.

In a recent talk with a long-time family friend who married in May, I found my feelings were shared and therefore validated. This friend said she is kind of glad that the wedding was actually over. You never hear brides admit that they are glad the day is said, done, and gone! It was nice to hear I'm not alone. I know I'll look back on that weekend and miss my friends and family who came in town just for us, or those who dedicated their whole weekend or even just a long night to celebrating with us. I know I'll cherish the tenderness of a romantic first dance or the way Sam will look at me that day. I know I'll never forget the way he looked or the feeling of being loved by so many people in one room. But, I'm just ready to be Sam's wife and for him to be my husband and for us to figure out this whole newlywed life. Also, in talking with this friend, I was reminded of the way I want to think about the whole weekend: at the end of the night, no matter what goes wrong or not to my expectation, Sam and I will be married. And, the next morning, none of it will matter but the memories with my loved ones and Sam. We will be married, the ceremony will go on, and the little things just don't matter!

That's just how powerful date night can be!