New Year's, Valentine's, and St. Patrick's Days...

No idea where time has gone or how I've missed posting about a few special holidays: New Year's, Valentine's, Purim, and St. Patrick's Days...

The kids enjoying New Year's Day brunch

Playing croquet

Grandma playing with the kids! :)

Valentine's Day card from Mommy & Daddy

He loved watching the robot light up and talk to him

Then he ran to show Quinn his card

Valentine's Day play date

Aunt Mischelle, Nami, Cooper, Banner, and Brycen

Beautiful Marin

My little Purim lion

Listening to the Purim shpiel - which he listened to intently and acted out all weekend! He's definitely learning a lot at school, really understanding the story of Purim - he kept telling us to "Bow down to me!" and then would tell us that we are only supposed to bow down to God. Then, he'd tell us to turn him into hamantaschen.

Showing me his Purim mask and hamantaschen

Shamrock pancakes for St. Patrick's Day

The boys got a fun surprise left for them on our porch first thing in the morning - from the leprechaun (aka: Uncle Brock and Aunt Mischelle)

Opening his treat!

I'm one lucky Mama! :)

Happy Half-Birthday, Quinn! 6-Month Update

Dear Quinn,
Still such a baby but growing into a boy! It's absolutely baffling that we can say "Happy Half-Birthday!" to you already! This month ROCKED! You're finally eating and sleeping again after a month of not doing much of that before. You seem much happier - which makes ME much happier! You still need a lot of "re-pacying" at night, and you sometimes flip over to your back and need us to flip you back to your belly to go to sleep, but you are so much better at soothing yourself and getting back to sleep on your own. I have to say I miss holding you and rocking you to a sound sleep, but I love that we have coached you to becoming a better sleeper these days. (Rules that have helped us: once you are in your crib, we don't pick you up; very little touching is done once in your crib because this seemed to be making you more alert rather than soothing you; dipping your paci in a cup of water before giving it to you helps you, too. Gripe water has helped your tummy settle at night, as well.)

Watching you develop and grow this month has been amazing. Daddy and I were just talking about this the other night. We have seen you become so much more aware of us, of yourself, of Banner, and of your surroundings. You LOVE to be LOVED, and you are more and more giggly and silly every day. You love eye contact, touch, hugs, kisses, attention, and interaction. You get bored easily without these things. You are slightly shy about how much you want to play with us - often looking at us, smiling, then looking away. . . SO much like your mommy! :)

Physically, you still have those beautiful baby blue eyes; your skin is like alabaster - perfectly white and smooth; your hair is very light brown, although it's so scarce around the ears and back that it looks blonde in certain light; you still have this curly tuft of hair right on top of your head that is getting pretty long! You are definitely plumping up with awesome rolls on your thighs! Everyone says you look so much like your daddy. I agree you certainly look like his little boy. You have his nose, and perhaps his eye shape, and certainly his coloring. But, I also see so many other people when I look at you... first and foremost, I see your Bubbie in your eyebrows and upper lip. But, I see my dad and my grandpa in your bottom lip, your Uncle Trey and your cousin Mara in the eyes sometimes, your cousin Colby's coloring from time to time, Banner's thoughtful furrowed brow, and sometimes I see glimpses of my own baby pictures in your cheeks and chin. All of this could change by next month, too! Everyone sees who they want to see - and with your light coloring, I understand why everyone thinks you look just like Daddy... they said the same thing about Banner at your age. What I see mostly, though? I see you. I see this emerging personality and traits all your own. You have a beautiful family of people you resemble, and you are this wonderful mix of so many people who love you. But, you look just like you - just like Quinn. And, THAT is the most beautiful resemblance!

Here's what's IN with you:

• Veggies and Fruits! You love eating things with more flavor - unlike your cereals last month (although you've gotten better at eating those, too). You've tried green beans, peas, carrots, sweet potatoes, squash, apples, bananas, pears, prunes, and tomorrow we start peaches. You weren't a huge fan of bananas, but everything else has been a big hit!
• Banner! You LOVE this kid. Hear his voice, and you turn to find him with a big grin. See him across the room, and follow his every move. Get attention from him, and you light up! You reach and grab for him all you can. He loves to give you kisses and hugs. In fact, my favorite is when he gets up from his nap and comes to "lay keppe" on your lap while I'm holding you. Recently, you have started almost hugging him when he does this - somewhat pulling on his hair and leaning into him. So sweet! 
• Grabbing anything you can get your hands on - and putting it in your mouth. The funniest, yet most annoying, is when I'm bathing you, you reach for the faucet while the water is running and try to put it in your mouth. You're pulling my hair (ouch!), reaching for your bottle, swatting and grabbing at toys, and playing with your feet all the time.
• Rolling over every which way! I'm so relieved that you finally met the milestone of rolling from your back to your belly! I think this will make you happier at night when you flip yourself over ... because now you can flip yourself back! This took a while for you to figure out - still within normal - but ever since having RSV, you hadn't met many milestones and seemed "stuck" in your development at 4 months old. Well, we're playing catch up now, and I love finally seeing you roll over to get the toys or the views you want.
• Sitting up! I knew you'd be much happier when you could play with your toys while sitting, and I was right.
• Soothing yourself. You have started rubbing your eyes when tired, and sometimes you bonk yourself on the head with your fist over and over again. It's a soothing tactic, but I think you don't really know who's hitting you in the head.
• Medications through a pacifier dispenser. . . you took your ear infection med great this way last month, and this month, we've been giving you Gripe Water just before bedtime to soothe your tummy, and you take it like a champ with this medicine dispenser
• Bath time! You're splishing and splashing every night.
• Being naked or only in a diaper
• Lots of drool, and even more spitting up... not the quantity that would come out of Banner, but definitely the frequency - my poor boys!
• HUGS and KISSES! Touch and tickles! You just laugh and giggle when you get undivided attention! You're starting to hug and kiss us, too. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS! Every morning, and after naps, you will grab my head or face and burrow in, and when I give you kisses, you will turn your head with an open mouth to give your own smooches.
• Sense of humor! You are getting to be quite the little comedian with your silly babbling (which you do a LOT - /m/, /b/, /d/, /l/, and lots of raspberries) and funny expressions. You also like it when we tap your lips while you say "ahhh!"

Here's what's OUT:

• Losing your paci
• Going to nap when you're just not quite ready. Sometimes you have to get that last bit of energy out, and then you're fast asleep.
• Getting your nose cleaned out - you've been a little snotty since having RSV, and we often have to aspirate your nose - you hate this, but you're doing a good job at tolerating it.
• Having to wait to eat your last bottle while I finish putting on your pajamas
• Not being able to put yourself in a sitting position... after rolling around and playing on your back for a little bit, you get pretty frustrated if someone doesn't help you sit up. 

Stats:

• We had your 6 month well-check with Dr. B today. You were a champ! He even noted how mellow you were... which you were until your three shots. Even then, you handled it well! Here's what we learned:
• You weigh 17 pounds, 14 ounces = 60th percentile
• You are 26 and 3/4 inches long = 60th percentile
• Your head circumference is 43.1 cm = 35th percentile
• Developmentally, you are right on track! We can start giving you water now, as well as Puffs or Cheerios as soon as you are up on all fours (in a crawling stance). We'll be adding more fruits and veggies to your diet until your 9 month check-up - still SO many things to try! I love finding out what you love!
• We will be starting Claritin tonight to see if that will help clear your congestion you've pretty much had since birth. Hoping this helps you!!
• Level 3 nipples - started a few weeks ago to help you get more formula faster since feedings were taking so long
• Size 3 diapers
• 6M, 6-9M, 9M clothing (which works well for these seasons to wear Banner's old clothes)
• 6-8 oz bottles, 4 times a day around 7:00, 10:30/11, 2:30ish, 7:00, with a breakfast of oatmeal and a dinner of veggie and/or fruit and a cereal (either rice or barley) around 5:15

Other things that happened this month:

-We met Baby Cousin Levi!!! So far, you've only taken one nap together and played on the play mat twice together - but I see you two becoming fast friends in the near future! Between you, Levi, and Nami being so close in age - I can't wait to watch the three of you play soon!

-We went to the park for the first time a couple weeks ago. You loved the swing, although it was a bit chilly and a lot windy! I think the wind confuses you - you're not sure where that gust comes from or why it feels funny, so you often make a gasping sound and blink a lot in it, but otherwise you tolerate it well.

-You're sitting nicely in the bath ring, and although you're still taking baths in the infant tub over the sink, we can use the bath ring for you to sit in the shower to play in the water with Banner. You certainly seem to love the water.

-We had a Valentine's Day play date, but you slept (or didn't really but you fought your nap time) through most of the fun.

Quinn Redding, I tucked you in this evening after you finished your bottle. You fell asleep in my arms, which I try not to let you do very often (usually, you go to bed "drowsy but awake"). As you breathed peacefully, relaxed and calm, I whispered to you: "Goodnight, sweet boy. Happy 6 months. Happy half-birthday. Six months from now, you will celebrate your big birthday - eating cake for the first time. You'll drink real milk. You'll have more hair. You'll have some teeth. You'll be in bigger clothes, and you'll be crawling or walking and be more independent. You'll be saying some words. You'll know me better, and I'll know you better. But, I'll love you just the same as in this very moment. I love you so much just as you are." Tears came to my eyes and fell down my cheeks, as I thought back to six months ago when we met - and how much you have grown, how much you have learned, how different, yet how the same you are to that newborn baby! You're just the most loving, lovable little guy, and I have so enjoyed this past half-year getting to meet you, know you, watch you, and most of all, LOVE YOU!

Happy Half-Birthday, My Love!
I LOVE YOU!
Love,
Mommy

33-Month Newsletter: Banner

Dear Banner,

Oh my sweet angel baby! Where do I begin about these past three months!? I have to start with: I love you SO much. My heart aches from how much I love you. You are seriously amazing, and I'm writing this letter with tears in my eyes because I just want to freeze you at this age - at least on your not-so-tempermental days! - as I feel you growing and changing and maturing and slipping away so fast! I want to capture your very essence and wrap it up to keep forever; I want to be able to see you, feel you, smell you, hear you at this very age forever, and yet I want to see the gift that you are continue to unwrap and unravel as you age and grow even more independent. My sweet toddler, you are just that - a gift. Everyday. You make my heart squeeze and ache and skip a beat and be still - all at the same time! There have been so many amazing moments in the last few months that I see your sweet face smiling up at me with those beautiful blue, gorgeously big eyes and deep dimples, tiny teeth, sweet nose, and cute chin as you make the most profound statement or the cutest of requests or the silliest suggestion... and I know in that very moment, I want to remember you like this for the rest of my life! There's no picture to be taken, no video to be recorded - just YOU - just you in all your two-year-old glory, and I want to remember every detail just as you are in that moment. And, this happens OVER and OVER and OVER again. I sincerely hope my memory is as good as I think it is, but my biggest fear is you and these memories "slipping through my fingers all the time!"

One day, about a month ago, I walked next to you (wearing Quinn in the Bjorn) while you rode your tricycle. You'd stop and get off the trike to get the shovel in the "trunk" of the trike, shovel up some dirt or some acorns, and you'd put your treasure back under the flap of the trike's back compartment. You took your time. You weren't interested in getting very far down the sidewalk. You said "HI!!" to every person you could see in the neighborhood, and you continued to greet them until they acknowledged you. You didn't want to go back home when I was, quite frankly, getting bored with slowly meandering behind you while hoping Quinn didn't get too bored. (Although, he is IN LOVE with you, and any time you are nearby, his eyes are GLUED to you!) Then, just to get you to do something different, I asked if you wanted to ride your scooter, which was on our front porch. You looked that direction, you looked back up at me in that wide-eyed, inquisitive beautiful look and said in a question, "I can ride it like the big kids, Mommy?" I said, "Of course!" And, as much as you wanted to figure out how to use one leg to push off the ground, you couldn't quite figure it out. I know this seems like a mundane incident to record in my mind, but I was so proud of you for trying, and I was intrigued by the way you wanted to be like "the big kids," and more than anything, I just loved how you looked up at me wanting to know if you could do it. I wanted to wrap my arms around you and say, "Angel, you can do ANYthing you put your mind to." I loved hearing you want to do something like the bigger kids, but I also wanted you to stay my baby forever in that moment, thinking, "NO! Don't grow up like the big kids so fast!"

As you've gotten a bit older, I find myself wanting to protect you from feeling these more complex emotions: fear, insecurity, peer pressure, rejection, anxiety, jealousy, envy, and so on. As your imagination has taken off these past few months, so have your fears, and I hate watching you get so worried about something. You are always asking Daddy and me: "You keep me safe? You will be here?" And, even though you still run off in public way too often (at a park, at the museum, in the stores, at a restaurant - oy!), in general you want to be close to us. You have been coming into our room to sleep in our bed in the early, early morning (around 5:00). You want us to tell you more stories before bedtime. You want us to come with you to the other room to get something or to play in another area.

And, just this past month or two, you have become a "mama's boy" all over again. I have missed you, sweet boy. Since Quinn was born, I think you were angry at me, punishing me for having another baby, for being in the hospital, for tending to another child. But, now you seem to only want me. While I feel badly that you sometimes tell Daddy, "No, I want Mommy!" or "Daddy, you go away, and Mommy stays with me," right at bedtime, I am loving that I'm back as a special person in your life. . . and Daddy even agrees that it's okay because he "had his time." :) My hugs are home for you, my kisses cure, and my hands are your security. I feel like you have come back to me, and we are on good terms again in your world. I was always here - always waiting for you. And, I always will be.

The funniest part of all this is your desire to tell others about me. You once interrupted your swim teacher (more about swimming below) to tell her, "My mommy is so pretty!" And, while I was talking to Ms. Betty about your day at pick-up at school, you turned to Ms. Jennifer and said, "My mommy is so pretty!" You sure know how to wrap me around your finger!

In other news:

• My favorite quotes these past 3 months: 
• "I'm going to ponder that!" as you tap your cheek (Thank you, Grandma, for teaching you this!) 
• "I tooted. Excuse me!"
• "Mommy, you are so pretty!" or "Mommy, you are pretty-ful!"
• "I'm going to read my book to the children," as you rock in your little chair in front of your pretend audience
• The way you say: "Ambulance" now (which used to sound awfully close to "a penis"), how you say "Tell me a stirry," (instead of "story"), or knowing that Mommy loves you "more than anything in the whole weeld!"
• "I want to hold your hand, Mommy."
• You are asking more and more questions about Bubbie: "Is Bubbie nice?" "Where does Bubbie live now?" In December, you and I had our first conversation when you learned that Bubbie died. I used that term for the first time with you when you wanted to know where she lived... "She doesn't live anywhere, Banner." You said, "People live in houses, Mommy?" (Everything during those months was stated as a question, and sometimes that's still the case.) "Yes, Banner, people do live in houses. But Bubbie died, so she doesn't live anywhere anymore. We don't get to see her anymore. We can hear stories about her, and we can see pictures of her. But, when someone has died, they don't live anymore, so they don't live anywhere." To which, your response was mostly, "Oh. Are we almost at Brayden's party, Mommy?" And that was that. I sat with my response internally - begging for you to talk more about it, not sure how I could even turn from this conversation to go enjoy a birthday party. You heard what you needed to hear at that time, though, I guess - and that was all. I needed more. I needed more closure, but I know this will continue to come up - and I actually hope it does, so I can continue to explain it better, more thoroughly, so that you (and Daddy and I) can continue to come to terms with this awful reality.
• You are very possessive of your things, often saying you don't want to share your toys with your friends or classmates. Sometimes, you don't even want friends to come over to our house because you don't want them to play with your things.
• You walk on your toes when you are excited about something (or a nervous habit?), like when you first walk into your classroom or to see all the family at Grandma & Papa's house or Zaide's house. I asked the doctor about it; he says it's not a big deal since you can walk normally, and maybe someone at school walks like this too, so we are just ignoring it for now.
• You want to know where everything is when we are driving, even though you have an amazing sense of direction. "Mommy, where IS Grandma's house? Is it far away?" or "Are we getting closer to Ms. Patty's house?"
• Speaking of Ms. Patty, you started swim lessons at her house just a few weeks ago (32 months old). You've had four lessons now, and you are doing great! That first lesson was rough, as I expected, and then you only cried a short time at the following two lessons. You ask to hear stories about Ms. Patty and how you swim so well there. After each lesson, you come home very proud of yourself, walking around the house with confidence in an almost-cocky way!
• You love: playing with your trucks/trains/cars - but mostly you LOVE your firetrucks and firefighters; playing with your instruments; watching YouTube; chocolate; kissing and hugging Quinn; hearing stories; cooking/baking and wanting to "make a recipe;" being outside;  Peppa Pig, Team Umizoomi, Bubble Guppies, and Paw Patrol on Nick Jr; humming your lullabies with me at bedtime; pretending and coming up with dialogue for your toys, pretending to talk on the phone (usually there's an emergency at the fire station), speaking gibberish to talk fast
• At 30 months old, you pooped on the potty for the first time. Then, you did it again just this past week. My hope is that by my next newsletter, I'll be able to say you're potty trained. We will be working on this fairly soon!
• You're jumping like a champ - over things, off of things, and just for fun. 
• You're learning: your letters and some sounds thanks to The Letter Factory, how to count with fingers, how to dress yourself, how to pee into the toilet standing up
• You have impeccable manners (usually without being reminded). 
• You got a visit from Fontina, the Paci Fairy, for the first time. 
• You love getting your hair cut now. Ms. Tia is your hair dresser, and she loves you, too! Mostly, you enjoy playing with the train table at the salon, but you cooperate perfectly for Ms. Tia, and she thinks you are so cute!
• You still smell like Frosted Flakes.  Yes, I know this is a weird thing to write about, but for most of your life, I've said you smell like breakfast. Daddy always laughs at me that I say this because it's really a weird comment, but you do. You smell so sweet and sugary. . . a smell I never want to forget. (It has occurred to me - very much worried me - because I have been taught that a sweet, sugary breath or odor on a person is a sign of diabetes, so I'm cautious in saying that I love this smell, but luckily, we have no other signs to think you have diabetes, so I'll take the sweet smell!)

We have been busy these past three months. We welcomed "Baby Cousin Levi," you went to the dentist for the second time ever and got a great report, and we've had several snow and ice days. We had Christmas events, rang in the New Year, had Valentine's Day, and went to birthday parties for Jonah, Cooper, Brycen, and Brayden. We went to see the trains at NorthPark, to the Perot Museum, and to Candlelight. You were sick for a few days (with cold-like symptoms) and were even sent home from school one day with a random high fever that the doctors had no idea why.  You had your first Shabbat performance at school, and you did awesome singing "One Little, Two Little Shabbat Candles." My favorite part was when Ms. Sheryl invited the parents to come up and say a blessing for their child. As I picked you up and held you to tell you what a great job you did, you said, "I want to hold your hand, Mommy. I want to hold your hand, Daddy." Then, I said, "Banner, I love you!" and you said, "I love you, Mommy and Daddy." Then, I turned to MY mommy who was going to take our picture, and I held back tears. You make me so happy.

In the past few weeks, I have noticed something truly awesome and sad at the same time. Your hands. Your hands have suddenly - almost overnight - become less baby and more big boy. You often want to hold my hand, and the feel of your hand in mine has changed. I can't really explain it or describe it, but suddenly, these are not the hands of my infant, of my chubby toddler, but of my growing big boy. They're slim and strong. The skin is still so incredibly soft and smooth, but the shape is hardening. And, this shakes me.

I love you, and I'm savoring all this sweet time I have with you before you're not my 2-year-old anymore, before you are in school 5 days a week, before you turn THREE! You are getting so big, so fast. Please slow down. Don't be in such a rush, Angel Baby. Thank you for coming back to me these past few months. I never needed to be the "favorite" parent or the most needed. I just need you. I need to know you know how much I love you. I need you to know I am a constant, I am always here.

I love you, sweet boy. 

All my love,

Mommy

Kisses for our boy at Bob & Helen's on Christmas Eve

Family pic - outside Zaide's house on Christmas Day

Busy at Perot Museum

Busy at Brycen's Birthday Party at Gymboree

Playing with your talking robot card and eating a chocolate screwdriver on Valentine's Day - after a donut breakfast!

Quinn waking you up from nap (your eyes are still very tired here)

Hugs from Ms. Betty after you gave her your S'mores treats for Teacher Appreciation Week

Singing into the mic for Ms. Sheryl at Shabbat

Fontina, the Paci Fairy

Ever since Banner was 2 weeks old, he's had a pacifier. We had tried to keep him away from them while trying to establish breastfeeding, but when that wasn't working for us, Sam and I decided to go ahead and give him a paci. His first pacifiers are the same ones Quinn uses now, the GumDrop pacifiers (from Hawaii Medical - not the First Years ones) which have the space cut out for the nose - but they are otherwise the same as Soothies. The instructions from the manufacturer said that these pacifiers were not recommended once your child has teeth, so at around 6-7 months, Sam and I tried to get Banner to start liking other options. He was at the point where he could re-paci himself, if he could find it, and not need us to come rescue him in the middle of the night. So, we happily spread a few pacifiers in his crib. The Soothie was easy for him to like since it was so close to what he had been using, and he took to the Nuk pacifiers quickly as well. So, he ended up with 2 Soothies and 2 Nuks in his bed each night. A couple months before Banner learned to climb out of his crib (and therefore, a couple months before moving to his "big boy bed"), we misplaced a Soothie, but since Banner did so well without it, we never gave it back. He never even asked about it. 

However, since that time, his "blue paci," "white paci," and "brown paci" have become his best friends. They all three go together for naps and for bedtime. He has to have all of them, and he adores them. So, the thought of weaning him from them is not only hard on Banner, but it's emotional and difficult for Sam and me, too. We have been dreading this for a while, but we know it needs to be done. I'm not opposed to him having these "loveys," especially since the dentist has told us that (at this point) Banner's teeth are not affected by having them. BUT, lately, they've been the cause of midnight wakings when he can't locate one of them. I even tied pacifier keepers/bungee cords to them so he could hold them easier... and slightly hoping he'd attach to the cord and NOT the paci.

In any event, it was time to say goodbye to at least one of them. Sam and I thought long and hard about how best to do this, and we're okay with a longer weaning period rather than cutting him off from all of his best friends cold-turkey - especially since he's still in a fragile time with possible regression since Quinn's birth. So, we had been telling Banner about the possibility of the Paci Fairy coming to take his pacifiers to the new babies at the hospital. He liked this idea, but I don't think he ever imagined the Paci Fairy would ever really come!

Just this Friday evening, though, he got his very own letter from the Paci Fairy! Banner and I went to check the mail, and there was a letter addressed to Banner along with a plain, white, empty box. "What's this, Banner? You got a letter!" He was immediately excited. He was pretending to be the mailman on his tricycle, and he got off of his trike, came to see the box and letter, and then he took all the mail inside to see what it was. We opened the letter, and this is what it said:

We read it together a few times until he fully understood what Fontina was asking of him. He immediately said, "I will give my brown paci." Sam and I were shocked. This is his favorite one (and therefore ours)! We were certain he would choose the white one, but he ran to his room to get the brown one, came back, and put the brown one in the box. I said, "Why don't we look at all three of them, and let's make sure you choose the one you want the new baby to have." So, we went to his room and examined all three. He said, "I want to give all of them to the babies!" Shocked and not sure he understood he wouldn't see them again, I replied, "You do? That's so nice! Are you ready to give all of them? Fontina said she only needs one." I was also terrified he would never sleep again, so I called Sam in: "Daddy, what do you think?" I asked. Sam basically reiterated what I had said - he doesn't have to do that until he feels ready and that he really only needs to give one if he wants. (We made it clear that he doesn't HAVE to do it, but that the only way to get a gift from Fontina was to leave one paci on the front porch.) So, he picked just the brown one. He also wanted to give the keeper/cord to the baby (which was so sweet: "The baby can have that, Mommy"), but ultimately we decided to only give what Fontina requested and keep the cord.

We took one final picture of all three pacifiers together. Then, Banner kissed "brown paci" and told it goodbye. He said, "I love you," and then placed the pacifier in the box.

Then, I suggested that he and Daddy decorate the box for Fontina after dinner. I was bathing Quinn, so I didn't hear this part for myself, but Sam told me he asked Banner if he wanted to write a message. Banner said yes, then proceeded to tell Sam what to write. He thought about what to write for a minute, and then he said: "Forklift." Sam said, "Okay, anything else?" Banner thought, then replied, "Dump truck." Fighting back laughter, Sam said, "Anything else?" Another pause, and then, "Digger." Sam answered, "Is that all?" Banner replied, "Yes," to which Sam asked if he wanted to say he hoped the new baby likes the paci, and Banner said, "Yes." So, here's his note:

Then, Banner and Sam placed the decorated box with the brown paci inside on the front porch before heading to get ready for bed. When bedtime came, Banner told me he wanted his brown paci. Sam and I looked at each other confused and a little anxious that he still didn't understand. "Remember, you put your brown paci in the box for Fontina." He said, "No, I want to give the white paci." So, Sam went to check to see if the box was still on the porch or if Fontina had taken it already. Fortunately, it was still there, and we swapped the brown and the white - again, after saying goodbye to and kissing the white paci for the last time.

There was no more discussion about it until right before I left Banner's room for the night. He said, "Mommy, I want my white paci." I said, "Remember, you gave it to the Paci Fairy," and he basically just said, "Oh," and that was that. It took him about 30 minutes to fall asleep, and he slept great through the night. Then, the next morning, he woke up around 6:45 (later than normal!), he called for me, and when I went in his room, he said, "Mommy! Did the Paci Fairy come?!" I told him I didn't know and said, "How would I know if she'd been here?" He said, "Is there a present?" Again, I told him I didn't know but that we could go check. We went to get Daddy out of bed, and then we went to the front door. When Banner opened it, there was a present waiting for him!!

He was so giddy, and almost afraid of the present! He kept looking at it and laughing. Then, we read the letter from Fontina on the front of the gift.

Inside, Banner found a Mike the Knight talking doll, a fuzzy soft security blanket, and a few chocolate coins! 

He was so excited! And, since I was so proud of him, we celebrated with powdered donuts for breakfast. He enjoyed thinking about what a special thing he had done for a new baby, and I think he'd be willing to give another pacifier pretty soon - but we'll see how the next few nights go. In fact, at nap time this afternoon (his first nap without three pacifiers), he said, "Where's my white paci?" I reminded him, and then he said, "Mommy, I don't WANT the Paci Fairy to take my pacifiers. I don't like that!" with adamant disdain. I told him I was so sorry and then reminded him that he had slept fine last night with just two. Surprisingly, he only responded with, "Oh." :)

And, again tonight, he asked about his white paci at bedtime. I reminded him, and then distracted him, and now he's asleep. I sincerely hope the sleep continues! :) And, I hope he feels okay without having all of his loveys with him. I hate, hate, hate seeing him sad and missing them. I'm not sure when we'll tackle the next two pacis, but I don't think Sam and I are ready any time soon! Maybe, just maybe, this is harder on us than on him! ;)

5-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
When Banner turned 5-months-old and we took his monthly photos, I remember thinking, "Now THIS is a fun age!" and so I kept thinking that when you turned 5-months, I would also be feeling the same thing. And, you know what? I am! I was right. Really a couple weeks ago, I felt like things have started getting really fun with you! You are a hoot! Even Daddy said last week, "I think HE'S gonna be the comedian of the family!" referring to you, even though Banner is quite hilarious. You really are so fun, and you bring so much laughter to our already silly family. You LOVE to laugh, smile at anyone who speaks to you, and love to be tickled. In fact, I haven't met anyone as ticklish as you since Aunt Kira was a little girl (she was easily the most ticklish person I have known my whole life). Personally, I hate to be tickled, so I'm always cautious when tickling my boys... giving lots of breathing time and taking your lead on whether you appreciate it or not. You seem to really like it for now. You are also so much more interested in the world around you - grabbing and reaching for toys, recognizing and tuning in to our voices, holding your hands out to touch Banner's hand or to explore Mommy and Daddy's faces, watching us eat, and experimenting with your lips, tongue, hands, and feet.

What else have you been up to this past month?

-You had RSV - a nasty cold that threatened to make you pretty darn sick. Luckily, you were in the minority of 4-month-old babies who get RSV and did NOT have to go the hospital, thank God! An icky cough, a runny nose, a poor appetite, and some restless nights and naps, but you were a trooper through it all. You developed an ear infection during that time, as well, and so far the antibiotics have helped. We will see if it really cleared it up in the coming days.

-You took your first shower this month! Mommy held you in the steamy shower to help open up those airways when you were sick. You loved the water and "cuddling" into me!

-You haven't really regained your appetite yet. You usually take 3-4 ounces very well, and then we have to really work with you to take more. In general, you eat about 5 ounces, and if we are lucky, about 6-7 at a really good feeding.

-Speaking of food, we started rice, oatmeal, and barley cereals this month. You are still figuring out how to eat - how not to push the mush out of your mouth with your tongue, how to open your mouth for the spoon, how to not put your hands in your mouth while we are feeding you! You don't seem to love any of this, but barley and oatmeal are much easier to get you to eat than the rice. I'm hoping when we start veggies and fruits this coming month that you will be more satisfied and enjoy the different tastes. Maybe since you don't have a huge appetite right now, the cereal hasn't gone over great. Or, maybe you really don't like it. I'm not sure which, but I will say that feeding you has become quite a chore for me - and you.

-You're rolling over from belly to back pretty great - and you're trying to figure out how to get from your back to your belly. You are doing a lot of experimenting and getting frustrated that you can't do it yet. But, I'm happy to see you trying to figure it out and working those muscles!

-Your "schedule" right now is all over the place. Since getting sick, you haven't been able to find your "normal" again, and it's undeniably frustrating to me and to Daddy. I'm sure you are frustrated too, and I'm not convinced that you aren't also battling some reflux issues. You don't spit up ALL the time like Banner did, but you certainly seem more bothered by eating. We still haven't been able to drop your middle of the night feeding, even though we only offer you about 2.5 ounces. I think you need that little drink to just calm your belly or your esophagus. . . but I'm no doctor, so I'm just guessing.

-You have your tongue out a large part of your awake time, and you are drooling LOTS. You like to purse your lips together and blow raspberries, and you like it when we tap our fingers against your lips to make rhythmic noises as you say "ahh."

-You will definitely be happier when you can sit upright, so we are working with you to get those sitting muscles prepared. You can sit for a few minutes at a time - but you're mostly slumped over. I don't count this as sitting, but it's a start!

-Just this weekend, you found your feet.

-About two weeks ago, you found my face. You love to reach out and touch my face while I'm feeding you or when I'm burping you. You sometimes pull my face in to yours like you are asking for a kiss or a hug. I LOVE this! I just want to snuggle you all the time! You are very affectionate, and I'm loving that you want to show us your love the same way I want to show you mine!

-You are wearing mostly 6, 6-9, and just today 9-month clothing. You are so tall, so these fit you better. You wear size 3 diapers, and I'm just about ready to order size 4 overnite diapers - I like them bigger so you have more pee space! :)

Quinn, this month has been rough. Daddy and I are very sleep-deprived. Banner hasn't been sleeping well either this month, we've all been under-the-weather here and there or really sick most of the month, and your crazy "schedule" is not helping. But, like I said earlier, 5-months is really a fun time because you are really showing us just how fun you are. You crave our attention, for someone to talk to you, to have someone play with you and really interact with you. You get bored pretty easily if we aren't giving you lots of US. I'm doing the best I can with a toddler who wants just as much attention as you do, so I hope you understand that sometimes it's just hard. I'm hoping we all settle in to a better schedule soon, that you and your brother start sleeping better at night and into the morning (5:30 is not my idea of "time to wake up!"), and that you know how much we want to help you do that but just aren't sure what to do anymore.

Thank you for all those sweet smiles. Thank you for showing me your love when those eyes light up or your head turns to find where my voices is. Thank you for discovering us this month! We are so in love with you and your delightfully sweet personality. You LOVE to be LOVED, and I'm happy to be one of the many who get to love you!

Happy 5 Months, My Love!
Love,
Mommy

Rheumatoid Awareness

Two months ago, my rheumatologist told me that I'm currently in remission from RA. I'm one of the lucky ones, so far, who only suffered with it for a year before finding relief during pregnancy. Remission has continued to last 4 months postpartum, and I'm hoping to continue to experience relief from joint pain and stiffness for a very long time!! However, the fear of it returning is a constant concern. It's constantly on my mind, and if I feel a joint start to stiffen or feel weak or achy, I'm immediately frightened that these pain-free days of remission are numbered, and worse - that my life as a prisoner in my own body is coming back.

Prison. That's truly how it felt. That analogy came to mind daily as I figured out how to maneuver my body, how to find a way to handle situations that could be embarrassing in public because my body wouldn't behave, and mostly, how to cope with the mental anguish that my body hurt and I was limited. I feel like a free woman right now, and it makes me so appreciate how easy life is without this disease. But, the prison isn't far from my mind, and it often haunts me. I will lay awake in bed at night terribly anxious about the impending return of symptoms if I feel the slightest ache. I'm more than grateful for the reprieve and the reminder of what life is like without symptoms. I've had to relearn to enjoy my body - not cringing at the thought of getting on the floor with my toddler to play, not grimacing as I squat down to use both unlimited knees and pain-free wrists to pick up my infant from his play mat, not wincing as I get in and out of the car or put my purse over my shoulder or dry my hair or . . . the list goes on! I do not take these actions for granted any longer.

I still follow a wonderful blog whose author has helped establish Rheumatoid Awareness Day on February 2nd. This year is the second annual Awareness Day, and I'm happy to help spread the word about it. Kelly Young, the author, is doing another blog carnival, and I've been asked to participate! The topic is

What Would Rheumatoid Awareness Mean For You?

Well, for me, it would mean a great deal, even though I'm currently in remission. Assuming I never deal with the effects of the disease again, I STILL want people to know about rheumatoid disease. For many reasons! It's one of those "invisible illnesses" that people should really understand more. There are so many weird characteristics to the way this disease manifests itself and takes over the body. I've had to learn a lot about it, and I'm still learning as much as I can. It's a disease that's so hard to diagnose, it's often misunderstood - even by medical professionals, and it's not easily spotted in the general public, so more awareness would mean more understanding and less judging.

So, what would it really mean to me? It would mean:

• not feeling embarrassed about how I get on and off the floor of my son's Mommy & Me program, not feeling self-conscious about how I can't participate in toddler activities the same way other parents can
• having people shake my hand in a more comfortable way
• less stares when I'm having a knee flare and walk with a limp
• I wouldn't have to explain the disease, and people would stop trying to come up with my treatment plan based on the commercials they've recently seen... no one does that for cancer, right? You wouldn't just say to someone who just told you she has cancer, "Well, I heard if you eat more broccoli, it will get better," or "Try doing more cardio." I'm not saying that rheumatoid disease is the same as cancer; I'm merely saying that it is a disease, and one that needs to be treated as such - and not just like we would treat a headache or a sprained ankle.
• I'd get more empathy (not pity) when I'm feeling depressed and frustrated because my body has betrayed me
• more money for researching to both understand and to find a cure for this awful (and sometimes fatal) disease
• my friends and family would understand that "pushing past the pain" isn't helpful on a physical level (flared joints should be rested not pushed), and certainly it would help emotionally
• people wouldn't think I was just being lazy or using my disease as an excuse
• my doctors would know which drugs are safe for me, how meds can be used safely before or during future pregnancies, and that I'm not "too young to have this disease" (yes, I was actually told this by one of my doctors)
• my doctors would understand that this is an auto-immune disease that can cause my body to react and inflame in various, weird ways - not just in an "arthritic" way... for example, a skin reaction to an allergen is over-the-top for me (like looking like a burn victim after the anaesthesiologist used tape I'm allergic to for my epidural at my last C-section), or a drug reaction causes mouth sores or itchy elbows or any other number of uncharacteristic reactions anywhere in the body because my body is literally attacking itself or having an inflammatory reaction. I sometimes forget this myself and have to remember not every ailment is a new problem but that it may stem from the rheumatoid disease.
• people wouldn't think I have a low threshold for pain or that I was being weak
• people would understand that I'm not able to play with my two boys the way I have always dreamed of and so desperately want to - crawling on the floor with them, running and chasing them around the house, teaching them how to catch or throw or bowl or swing a bat, throwing them in the air or swinging them around.... and they'd understand just how sad and angry this makes me to be robbed of the rough and tumble play I want to experience with my young sons
• my friends and family would understand the constant fear I have of this disease rearing its ugly head yet again after a year of not having the pain, that they'd understand how careful I am with my body to not injure it or tempt fate to have remission suddenly end
• so many of my friends with Rheumatoid Disease would be better understood  - and quite honestly, that many others with "invisible illness" like MS, Crohn's, Fibromyalgia, and Asthma would also be better understood

In one word, awareness would mean "understanding." It's quite simple. I'm hoping that this second Rheumatoid Awareness Day spreads even more understanding and empathy for anyone suffering from or coping with the effects and (in my case) threats - both mental and physical - of Rheumatoid Disease. Please take a few minutes this Groundhog Day to read through some of the blog carnival!

RSV

This past Wednesday, Mr. Quinn woke up just fine. He ate, he played, and then it was time for his morning nap. He went down fine, but 30 minutes later, he woke up. I was frustrated because he normally takes a great morning nap of 1.5-2 hours, so 30 minutes was quite unusual. When I tried to get him to go back down, he fussed and refused to settle down. Again, frustrated, I left his room and let him cry for a few minutes, hoping he would go back to sleep on his own. After 10 minutes, he was still at it, and I didn't feel right about letting him cry much longer. So, I picked him up, rocked him, he fell back to sleep, but then when I put him down, he immediately woke up screaming again. I thought he felt warm, but maybe it was because of all his crying? I went ahead and took a temperature: 100.4. It's a fever, but it's right at the cusp of getting high enough to call the doctor. I was uncertain, and I really had no reason to take him in - no symptoms really. But, Banner had been sick, I had been unable to breathe well due to allergies for the week before, and Sam had a cough. So, it could be that he was getting something. Plus, the week before he had his 4-month shots, and maybe this was a delayed reaction. Or, maybe he was getting an ear infection after a cold over the holidays. I had no idea what was wrong, only that every time I've tried to put him down for a nap in the past week, he had been fighting me on it -when he used to go down so easily.

I tried to give Quinn some Tylenol, but he spit most of it out. Then, I tried to feed him, and he wouldn't take more than a couple ounces. Something was up, but I couldn't figure it out. He fell asleep on me a little bit later, and when he woke up, I took another temperature. This time, his fever had gone up to 101.3. I was getting concerned now. I offered his bottle again, and he refused. I held him for a bit longer, and he fell asleep yet again - he was so lethargic, and every time I put him down, he would scream, so I just did a lot of patient holding and rocking. I was thankful that Banner was at school that morning, so I could dedicate 100% of my attention to figuring out what was going on with Quinn.

When he woke up again, he felt so hot on me - like a furnace I kept thinking. So, I took another temperature. One thermometer said 102.1, but I just don't trust these digital thermometers, (I miss the old mercury ones!) so I took it with another thermometer just to be sure, and that one said 101.9. I knew I needed to have him seen by the doctor that afternoon since it was going up more.

He had a great nap in his crib leading up to his appointment. When I woke him to leave the house, I decided to take another temperature reading just to compare my thermometer to whatever the doctor's showed. He had a temp of 99.4. "They're going to think I'm crazy bringing this baby in for a 99 degree fever," I kept thinking. I felt like something was wrong, but I had no symptoms to report other than lethargy and decreased appetite. His fever had only lasted a few hours. What a pointless visit to the doctor....

or so I thought. When the nurse called Quinn back, she took his temperature with the little head wand thermometer. It read 98.8. Oh man, they're going to think I've got some kind of hypochondria or Munchausen syndrome bringing my kid in for no reason! But, after I described the morning, the nurse asked me if Quinn had a runny nose. I told her yes, but very mild - one that I only noticed a couple days ago. But, I figured it was nothing. She said she was going to run an RSV test just to be sure - it would take 15 minutes to get the result after swabbing Quinn's nasal passages. He did great for this quick test, and then it was time to get a pulse/ox reading. This took several unsuccessful tries on his fingers and his toes, and with several different monitors. The nurse could never get a reading that she liked - the numbers were too low. Too low to be correct because with the numbers she was getting, Quinn would have been unconscious, which thankfully was not the case. The doctor came in, tried to get a reading, and got a low but satisfactory reading. He then told me that "Unfortunately, Quinn has RSV."

I was worried immediately, and I wished that (just like I had worried about earlier) going to the doctor's office for no reason was the end result instead. I figured he had an ear infection at most. But, this virus that you can't really do anything for since it just has to run its course - that scared me in a baby so small. The doctor didn't help calm my fears when he told me that 50-60% of infants Quinn's age end up in the hospital. I was desperately hoping we were in the minority here! He also told me just how pitiful and weak this virus makes a baby feel. I hated that, earlier in the day, I had been frustrated with Quinn when really he was the one hurting and feeling frustrated. We talked about Banner having a "cold" and how that cold was most likely RSV but it just doesn't affect bigger kids the way it does infants. He told me Banner didn't need to be brought in unless he was complaining about being unable to breathe or if he complained of ear ache. He gave me some hints on how to keep Quinn comfortable: humidifier, saline drops in the nose then suctioning with the NoseFrida, Tylenol for high fevers, as well as how to look for labored breathing that would warrant an immediate office or hospital visit. He also wanted him seen in two days for a follow-up because he knew this was the very beginning of the virus. I actually asked him, "So this is probably the beginning," and he responded, "Yes, I know it is. It is going to get a lot worse."

Ugh! So, with that awesome news, we headed home to continue just laying low and coddling my little guy. Mom picked up Banner from school and let him nap at her house so Quinn could have some time to just chill at home with me. His nose got a little runnier throughout the day, and he continued to not eat well, but otherwise, he was a trooper who just wanted to be held. The next day, he woke up without fever but with a little cough. On Friday, he was pretty congested, with a much stuffier/runnier nose and a heftier cough. He had made it through both of the previous nights with a few wakings where I would just go in and rock him back to sleep - since sleeping upright was better for his congestion. I also fed him a 3 oz bottle each night just to keep him hydrated.

At his follow-up visit, he was smiling and sociable through feeling icky. The doctor said it looks like he's handling everything pretty well: "Yeah, he looks really sick!" he said as Quinn smiled up at him. But, he had lost 2 ounces of weight from not eating well, and unfortunately, he did have an ear infection in his right ear, so we started antibiotics that afternoon (which won't help the RSV at all, but hopefully, it will clear up the ear infection). Dr. B said we won't need any breathing treatments at this point, so that's great!

While there's nothing the doctor could do to alleviate the RSV symptoms, I was glad I had taken Quinn in to get checked out. I guess it's better to catch it earlier and not wonder what is going on, and it certainly helped me understand all the fussiness, the refusal to eat or sleep, and the needs my baby was having for just being held and cuddled when he truly felt awful. We're still hoping for the best as Quinn suffers through this frustrating illness with a great attitude. Hopefully, we are more than halfway through the 5-7 days of illness. Since leaving the doctor's office yesterday, Quinn has lost his voice but tries his best to "squeal" and "talk" to us - even though barely anything comes out. He's coughing a lot more, and he's pretty snotty but the fact that he wants to "talk" and try to play for bits at a time is encouraging. He's handling this really well, and so far our plan to sleep on the floor in his room if his breathing got too labored has not had to happen! We're just going in to soothe, hold, offer a snack, and get him back to sleep. Here's hoping everyone in this house starts to feel better soon! (Because this nurse mama can't take being the only well parent for much longer!) Thanks for your prayers!

4-Month Check-Up: Quinn

Today was Quinn's four-month well check. He did great! I hated that his appointment happened to fall exactly when he wanted to take a nap, but he was such a trooper and pushed past the tired. He fell asleep on me briefly while we waited for Dr. B and while Sam and I chatted with him about his routine, our concerns, and his development. Then, Quinn giggled through his entire check-up! As Dr. B checked his belly, Quinn squirmed with a bright grin from being so ticklish, and even when he checked his hips and joints, Quinn was just laughing away! I'm just so glad he was in good spirits and able to tolerate his tiredness while seemingly enjoying his exam! Of course, that all ended when he got four shots (and an oral vaccine). Poor baby cried with real tears and just screamed.

Developmentally, he is scoring between 4 and 5.5 months. Yay! I had some concerns going into this check-up because Quinn isn't rolling over very much. He has rolled belly to back about 3 times, but I haven't seen it again since last week, so I don't know that he really owns that skill yet. Dr. B says he does, he's just being lazy. I try not to compare, but this is just so opposite of Banner, so I worry. (Me? Worry? What?) Anyway, he's doing well in every way, and I'm just so happy to know there's nothing to be concerned about at this point. I'll keep working with him, and hopefully we'll see more action this week or next.

We are clear to start solid foods, but since Sam was at a late meeting, I decided to introduce rice cereal for "dinner" tomorrow night. I'm excited to see how Quinn does with it. I have a feeling my excitement will fade quickly, as it did when we first fed Banner rice cereal, when he just thrusts the mush out of his mouth with his tongue and refuses this new texture and taste.

Anyway, here are Quinn's stats at four-months-old:

• Weight: 15 pounds, 14 ounces (up from 12 pounds, 1.5 ounces at 2-months)...75th percentile
• Height: 26 inches (up from 22.5 inches at 2-months)... 85th percentile
• Head: 42 centimeters (up from 39.25 at 2-months)...50th percentile

Quinn was a pound and an ounce bigger than Banner at birth. Q was 7 lbs, 14 oz; B was 6 lbs, 13 oz. At Banner's 4-month check, he was 14 lbs, 13 oz, so they are still measuring a pound and an ounce apart - which Sam and I were just noting that they are growing at the same rate. And, as he should, Quinn has about doubled his birth weight at 4-months-old, so I feel good about his weight. I'm pretty sure the nurse mis-measured his height, but then again Banner was only 24 3/4 inches, so even if she only added a little, Quinn is still taller than Banner was. Their heads are measuring the same at 4-months - which is nice that they are only in the 50th percentile given their father's large cranium (to his own admission)! :) Of course I care about these stats, but more than anything I'm just glad we have a healthy, happy boy.

4-Month Newsletter: Quinn

Dear Quinn,
Today, you are 4-months old. I say it all the time, but really I'm in disbelief. It's already time to start thinking about feeding you "solids" (rice cereal really), to bring out the Jumperoo, make room for the Exersaucer, expect you to drop your mid-night "snack," and await more and more milestones! This month has been a little rough - you had your second cold, are much more alert (which can be frustrating when you feel more awake at the end of a sleep cycle, which means Daddy and I are soothing you and re-pacying you many times a night), and you are making your presence known (by crying for attention and wanting more fun things to do). But, this is when the fun really starts, as we are seeing more and more of your sweet personality. Let me tell you about it!

-You are squealing and "talking" up a storm! You even do it in the middle of the night. I'm sometimes afraid that you will wake your big brother with your loud cooing and squeals at 4am!

-You're experimenting with your tongue a lot: clicking, sticking it out, sucking on it.

-You are a big boy! We don't have any official measurements yet (we will next week at your 4-month check-up), but you have outgrown most of your 3-month outfits, and even 3-6 month clothing is getting snug. I, personally, am much more comfortable dressing you in 6-month stuff because YOU look more comfortable. This works out well since Banner was wearing 6-month clothing during these months, so the seasons work out pretty nicely that you can wear his warm 6-month outfits even at only 4-months old.

-You are trying to sit up by leaning forward from a laying position...getting quite the ab workout!

-You LOVE your hands. You hold them together, suck and chew on them, and grab all the time.

-I've enjoyed watching you play with your toys more - as you grab and swat at them now. You are also bearing weight on your legs, so I can hold you in a standing position and you can really see the world around you more.

-You're more easily predictable - grunting when you poop, gurgling right before you spit up, and getting pretty fussy when you're tired. You want to be entertained, often getting bored if we leave your side for a minute. And, while you don't have a set schedule yet - your routine is very cyclical. Wake/eat/play/sleep, that's what you do about three times a day before bed. You stay up for about an hour and a half to two hours tops - unless it's way too close to your bedtime for another nap, and then I have to do everything in my power to keep you calm and awake for over two hours (you made it 3 hours once or twice this month)! You wake up anywhere between 6:30-7:30 and take about 5.5-6 ounces. You are getting much slower at eating - not sure why. What used to take you 15-20 minutes is now taking about 30-35 minutes. I'm not sure if you are just not hungry, too interested in other things, bored with your food? I plan to talk to Dr. B about it next week. Anyway, you repeat this cycle of wake/eat/play/sleep until we start bath around 6:30 and have another bottle (usually a fourth or fifth bottle of the day) at 7:00ish. Then, when you wake up at night - anytime between 1:30-5:00 (but typically around 3:30), we give you only 3 ounces.

-You still LOVE your bath time, and I do too. You could really stay in the tub for a long time, but I often have to hurry to feed you before you fall asleep, so bath can get rushed sometimes. I'm hoping as you can stay awake a little longer that we can enjoy this time even more.

-You rolled belly-to-back on New Year's Day. You did it twice while Banner was taking a nap, and Daddy and I were watching you at Grandma & Papa's house (after Aunt Jacque & Uncle Freddy's brunch). You were 16 weeks and 2 days old. And, you've done it again in your crib since then, but that's all we've seen so far. I'm working with you every day to make this easier for you, but you just love your belly so much that you relax and think it's time for bed - not time to work out and play - often putting your arms by your sides instead of up near your head to help you push over.

-Overall, you are a very happy baby. Usually cooing and smiling, laughing, and engaging. You know your name, too - often looking to see who called it with a big grin.

This month, you had lots of time with family (New Year's Eve and Day, Christmas, Candlelight, a shower for Uncle Erick & Aunt Kira, brunch with friends, and cousin Brian was in town), and you had a few outings with Banner while he was on winter break. You were a trooper, too! I'm so glad you can still fall asleep on me in the sling I wear; that definitely makes it easier on everyone! I'm trying my best to get you on a schedule and make sure you are getting the necessary rest in your own crib - while also balancing Banner's need to get out of the house. This is not an easy task, so I really appreciate you being able to go-with-the-flow!

My favorite part of our day is definitely holding you right before bed. I look forward to this moment each night - still trying to memorize your body in my arms, as each evening brings you one day older and one day farther from my newborn. You're still changing a great deal - "losing" your hair (really, your head is just getting bigger so the hair you DO have is spreading out!), getting more smiley and giggly, growing taller, and discovering so many things around you. You and I have a special bond - I can see how much you love me in your eyes and in your smile. And, sweet boy, I sure hope you know how much I so love you! You are one well-liked and well-loved little man, and I am so eager to see what this month brings. I am ready for this exciting ride of new things with you - seeing how you like eating (something other than formula!), seeing you roll around, hearing more laughs and watching what entertains you. But, more than anything, I can't wait to love you each day - again and again.

Happy 4 Months, Quinn, my love!
I love you!
Love,
Mommy

This was how Daddy wanted you to ring in the New Year - see next picture...

...because Daddy had a thing for facial hair as 2013 became 2014.

Just us

My handsome little guy!

All Too Fast

It's a new year. And that means I've been feeling a bit thought-ful and nostalgic. As Quinn gets ready to turn four-months-old, and as Banner enters another semester of school, I am just feeling like this ride is going way too fast. It's a ride I often complain about, feel frustrated with, or get overwhelmed with in a lot of ways a lot of the time - but New Year's Eve I had an awakening like never before. Sam and I had the house to ourselves since Mom took the boys for the night. We made a very last-minute decision to pack them up and let them have some time with Grandma and Papa while we enjoyed a movie and some alone time to ring in the new year. The boys haven't been feeling well - colds or allergies, not sure which. But, they weren't 100%, and I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to leave them for the night, but I decided there's really nothing different about Grandma's house, and she was more than capable (more than I am?) of taking great care of them. So, we took Mom up on her offer and headed over there with all their meds, VapoRub, humidifier, aspirator, and even a rectal thermometer (just in case). Once I had said my goodbyes and Sam and I were enjoying some time together, I started to relax and try not to feel guilty about leaving the boys for the night.

When we got home, I found the typical toys strewn about the house. A play tea kettle in my bathroom, a Hot Wheels in the hallway, crayons and stickers on the kitchen floor, and Legos sprinkling the den and play room surrounded by train tracks and trucks of all kinds. These are all normal sights around my house, and on most days, I am annoyed and frustrated by the never-ending clutter of random toys, books, burp rags, clothes, and shoes throughout every room of this house. I swear I clean my house. You wouldn't know it by looking at it, but I can sweep, mop, vacuum, put away laundry, clean mirrors, etc... and 10 minutes later (literally!), it looks like nothing has been done in months. The constant "un-doing" of my cleaning and picking up is enough to send me over the edge at any minute, and sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown or anxiety attack - seriously. But, on this particular evening, as 2013 became 2014, I had a different feeling. Nostalgia.

There was a sense of sadness and missing. It was a comfort to see my boys' things when they weren't here. And all of a sudden, I had a peek into my future. I could imagine my life 18 years from now, Banner and Quinn gone from this house - off on their own in the big world - and Sam and I here all alone, basically "done" raising our little boys (as if you could ever be "done"?), and I felt so, so sad. These messy days are going to be a distant memory all too quickly, and I'll miss the random skillet in the bathroom. I will miss seeing one itty-bitty shoe next to the refrigerator and its match three rooms away near the toilet. The Play Doh bits that are a constant headache to me now . . . I will long for them in 16 years when Banner is too big and too mature and too cool for making me a pizza of various colors or of slithering a green snake towards me to eat me all up. I couldn't help but long for these days to last longer - to memorize every toy they play with, every little funny thing they say - so when they are big teenagers or even grown men with kids of their own, I will see the toddler I love so much still inside them, still peeking out at me saying, "Mommy, I'm still here!"

Last week, we stopped using the swaddle blanket for Quinn. He's going up a size in diapers, and he's ready for the next size of clothing, too. I'm packing up newborn and 3-month clothes... wondering if I'll see these clothes on another one of my babies. And then it hits me, it doesn't matter if it's another baby or not - Quinn will never wear these again. Banner will never wear these again. There's no turning back. And, as they grow up, I'm learning to let go and grow up with them. There's always a change happening, a movement towards independence and maturity: moving out of Mommy & Daddy's bedroom as newborns, not needing a swaddle, weaning off the bottle, outgrowing the crib, saying goodbye to pacifiers. (Side note: Banner is at the point where we really need to take away his pacis he uses for night and nap... but I think I'M more anxious about it than he is - and not because he may not sleep as well, but because I love those pacifiers FOR him! They are his loveys, his friends, his comfort when I'm not there. How can I take those away? What do I do when I'M the one not ready?) And these changes happen so fast these first few years.

I haven't quite shaken this sad feeling that they're growing up and getting big all too fast. Quinn isn't even 4 months yet, and I miss him. Part of me wants to scream, "What is wrong with you!? He's still so little!" But the other part of me knows that I'm right. I know how fleeting these days are. And, while I can still see Banner at 4-months-old in my head, I don't remember the feel of his body in my arms, and I would do anything to try to feel his little newborn skin again, to rock him to sleep at 2, 3, 4, months old. I try to savor these days with Quinn and cry when I fear I won't remember it. I try to hide my tears from Banner when I tuck him in at night and his beautiful, angel face tells me he loves me and he kisses me. I hear their sweet lullabies playing at night, and I want to remember how I feel as they are lulled to sleep, their little bodies warm in their beds. I'm grateful for my writing and my blogging to keep it all documented in the moment - but I want more than that - I want it to last, to be felt again and again - and that just can't happen.

So, I'm trying to be in the moment more. And that has become my New Year's resolution... even though I'm not sure I have ever really made one before. I am well aware that these days will go faster than I can imagine, and I will never get them back, no matter how much I try later to remember and recall. I get one chance with each baby of mine. I get one day with them at this age. And, every day, they are older. There are only so many days with them before they are gone from this house, before I am gone from this world. I can't make it last any longer, but I can get the most out of it. . . try to enjoy the ride, even if it is happening all too fast.