Wednesday, August 15, 2012

How to Help...

I found this link on Pinterest today, and I just wanted to link it to my blog because I will definitely come back to it when my friends become moms, or when they add new little ones to their crew. I wish I had known how to ask for help in the early months of Banner's life. These are great ideas.

http://www.nicegirlnotes.com/ways-to-help-a-new-mom

The Knee Issue

If you read the previous post about my knee issue, you know I had surgery for what the orthopedist suspected was a lateral meniscus tear in my right knee. Surgery went well, yet four incisions around my kneecap helped the doctor use laproscopic equipment to confirm that there was, in fact, no meniscus tear and no cartilage damage in my knee. Instead, what they found was some synovial clots and fluid. They cleared that out (looked like spider webs on the photos Sam and I got to see at my post-op appointment a week after surgery), and the synovial fluid biopsy came back saying that it was "severe and chronic synovitis." All this means to me is that there was too much synovial fluid and that it had been going on for a while (chronic=not new) and that it was bad (not mild or moderate but severe). Also at the post-op appointment, I was given the results of some blood work that was done before surgery. The PT informed me that they would be referring me to a rheumatologist for more specific testing because my blood work showed that I may have lupus. This test came back as "highly suggestive of a connective tissue disease."

So, we waited for the rheumatologist's office to call to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, I began my physical therapy - three days a week for what is suspected to be a month - although I'm hoping I can push through the pain and get better faster! My orthopedist still says the swelling, tightness, and pain can take about three months to feel better after surgery. I'm hopeful it will be less than that and at Kira's wedding I will be able to dance the night away! :) Yet, at the same time, my knee feels extremely tight. It's hard to even turn over in bed. My goal is to be able to squat down, which would mean my knee is flexed to its limit, without hurting. The idea of that right now seems painful and unfathomable. I'm trying not to rush it considering surgery was so recent, but I guess I expected that if the doctor "solved the problem" then I would simply be able to move my leg as I wish soon after. At this point, though, the pain is way worse than before surgery, and my leg movement is a lot more limited. The physical therapist says that the only thing preventing me from using my knee the way I want is me. . . I just have to push through the pain. Otherwise, there is no reason I can't move it. But, it's REALLY painful and tight. It's really amazing how much I've taken my joints for granted. When I move my left knee, so smoothly and swiftly and painlessly, I realize how far I have to go with my right knee, and it's kind of overwhelming and discouraging. I even teared up at Kira's bridal portrait photo shoot - as I watched my mom so seamlessly smoothing Kira's train. I was both in pain and jealous as I watched her knees allow her body to the floor to fluff the dress or lay the veil more evenly.

I am beyond motivated to do my exercises each day to help improve the stretch, strength, and endurance in my knee. I miss being able to get up and down off the floor with Banner so easily. I miss being able to crawl around the room and chase him. I miss turning in bed and actually staying asleep! I miss getting in and out of the car with ease. I miss being able to kneel next to the bathtub to bathe Banner. I miss getting out of bed and not dreading the day due to the extreme stiffness first thing in the morning. I miss walking gracefully across a room - not limping or worrying about what I will have to step over or around. I miss just waking up and knowing I'll make it through the day without having to force myself to just keep going and push through my fatigue, exhaustion, and pain.

More updates to come....and hopefully we'll have some more answers!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What's in a Name . . . Part 3

I realized recently that I never posted about Banner's baby naming ceremony we had last year. I'm not sure what made me remember it, but as the anniversary of his naming approached, I thought it would be nice to publish the letter we read to Banner on his actual naming anniversary. We are Jewish, and in Judaism, baby boys are typically given their Hebrew names at their bris (circumcision ceremony 8 days after birth). While Banner was given a Hebrew name at his private bris (we only invited his grandparents), we did not share with our parents or the rabbi why we selected the important names (both English and Hebrew) Banner was given. We waited for his baby naming ceremony, which we held two months after he was born, to share that with our closest friends and family.

If you've read my previous posts about names, you know that they are important to me. I posted this before I got married, and I posted this before Banner was born. Today, on this first anniversary after Banner's naming, I'd like to share with everyone the letter we wrote to Banner and read at his ceremony. (A: means I read it aloud, S: means Sam read it.)

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Banner,

A: Today is your baby naming, where your family and our friends surround us, welcoming you to the world. You are probably not really aware of all the love in this room right now, but one day, we hope you know just how truly loved and wanted you are! You also probably don’t know just how emotional your mommy is, and I am most likely already crying or will begin crying soon! So, bear with me, as we read you some very deep thoughts that we’ve wanted to share with you for a very long time!

A: Your name is very important to your dad and me. We put a lot of thought into it, as so many of the people in the room know! We hope you will love your name as we do, and we hope, too, you will understand the symbolism and the great meanings behind such a unique name.

S: The definition of your first name, “Banner,” means several things. At first, I did not want you to have this name because all I could think of was that it meant “flag.” Upon deeper investigation, I found that it also meant “anything regarded or displayed as a symbol of principles.” Mommy and I both liked this definition, as we hope that you will stand for great principles.

A: The definition of your middle name, “Boone,” is “good.” When you put your two names together, therefore, you can see why we liked it so much: To represent something good.  To us, you are extremely special – the true definition of something good. We also hope you will stand for something great.

S: You also have a Hebrew name, Benhyle Ahava. These names were chosen for you by your mom and by me to honor the memory of two very special people in our lives. Because you won’t get to meet these special members of your family, we want to tell you about them now and let you know how you came to get this special Hebrew name.

A: My grandfather, Louis, your great-grandfather, was a very hard worker. Your dad has always reminded me of my Papa. Like Daddy, Papa had a strong work ethic, he put himself through college, he valued health and education, and he held his family in high regard. The Hebrew name, Benhyle, is in memory of my Papa, and it means “son of strength.” In these short months we’ve gotten to know you, we already know you are full of strength. Almost everyone who has held you says, “Wow! He’s so strong!” You have a strong will whether it’s to maneuver out of your tightly swaddled blanket, to hold that head up, to demand food, to exercise those lungs, or to fight sleep! We look forward to watching this strength continue to develop – in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, mentally, cognitively, financially, spiritually, and socially. We hope you develop a strong sense of self, a strong work ethic, and strong friendships. Yes, my Papa was a strong man, but he is only one of many strong members of your family. You come from a family of giving nurturers, of dedicated learners, of courageous leaders, of heroic fighters, and brave survivors. We know you will fit right in – you already do!

S: My great-aunt Jeannie has always been a shining star in our family and always put family first. At every family event, it was Aunt Jeannie who took the reins to bring everyone together and keep everyone in touch. In fact, Mommy met Aunt Jeannie a couple times and has fond memories of her smiling brightly as the whole family sat in the living room chatting and laughing. Aunt Jeannie was a beautiful woman with a big heart. You could always tell Aunt Jeannie was happiest when she was surrounded by her loved ones.  Like Aunt Jeannie, your mommy always brightens the room when she walks in with her beautiful smile and spirit, and is happiest when she is with family. The second part of your Hebrew name, Ahava, means “love.”  We wanted you to have this name to remind you how important it is to show love to those around you, that taking time to enjoy your family is the highest of priorities, and that you are always loved.

S: Just like your English names make a statement when put together, so do your Hebrew names. We’ve thought about this – yes, we’re deep thinkers in this family, too! – and you could say that your Hebrew names together are “Son of Strong Love.” Mommy and I think of ourselves as having strong love. You should know that Mommy and I have been best friends since we were in high school. We value each other, and we value great friendships. We love being around each other, and we don’t take each other for granted. You were born from this great love, and we have waited for you for a long time!

A: One more thing, before we wrap this letter up. When your dad thought of the word “flag” when he first heard the name “Banner,” I thought it was somewhat fitting. Another of your great-grandfathers, my Grandpa, shares your birthday month. In fact, he was born on Flag Day, and it certainly makes me proud that you got to meet him just a couple weeks ago. He, too, is a special man full of strength – from work ethic to physical fitness.  Every June 14th, I celebrate my Grandpa’s life as we celebrate our country’s banner. And, I know from now on, when we fly our country’s flag on that day – I will celebrate you, too!

A: Your dad and I hope so many things for you, including that you like your name, as now you know it has very special meanings to us. We have so many things we want to teach you about from little things like music and movies to big things like God and the world.

S: We hope you love people, enjoy music, understand the value of friendship, find romance, think positively, believe in something, stand your ground and speak your mind, fight for fairness and equality, eat good foods, and find humor in life.

A: We hope you will love to laugh but be okay with crying. We hope you will be strong when faced with conflict and struggle but be sensitive to yourself and others. We hope you will take care of others but know when to take care of yourself, too. We hope you will look for answers but not be afraid to question. We want so many things for you, Banner, but mostly, we want you to be happy, healthy, and full of love!

We love you,
Mommy & Daddy
August 14, 2011

Mommy and Banner
Banner on his Naming Day!

With Rabbi Stern

With Aunt Gayle & Uncle Brock - Godparents

With Great-Grandpa

Banner and his parents and grandparents

Thursday, August 9, 2012

14 Month Newsletter

Dear Banner,
Today you are 14 months old. What a fast month this has been! You have become quite the talker this month. That's definitely the biggest change - as I expected. Before I tell you about that, let me fill you in on some other areas:

Physically, you are walking and climbing faster and faster. You like to step up on things (like boxes, step-stools, the fireplace). You love to push things around the house from one room to the other and get frustrated when the threshold of the next room creates an obstacle. You quickly figure out how to maneuver the box/activity table/bin/rocking horse, and you go about sliding the item across the floor. We're working on using a fork and spoon, as well as how to keep the plate/bowl on the table/highchair tray.  You also like to put toys in and out of containers (mostly hiding random toys in a stash inside an empty (currently, Huggies) box. When I can't find something, after looking in the usual places, I will ultimately remember your newest hobby and go retrieve the missing item from your box. Your favorite naughty activities include opening the trash can (once you took Uncle Erick's shoe and happily put it in the trash can), turning the knobs on the stereo, and hitting the TV screen. If we weren't watching, you'd love to get your hands in the toilet water, too. Speaking of...you LOVE the water - splash grounds, sprinklers, pools - makes no difference, you are in heaven! You giggle at the cold water tickling your skin, and this just lights ME up!

Emotionally, you need us (especially Daddy) still at night but only for a minute or two. You are extremely attached to Daddy who is working from home, and you don't understand why he won't come play with you after taking a coffee/bathroom/lunch break. You are very set in your ways about your routine, especially bedtime (making me all the more anxious about not being the one to put you to bed for three nights in a row a few weeks from now for Aunt Kira/Uncle Erick's wedding!). You are also MUCH more testy these days. You want what you want - and you let us know when you are upset! You've whined much more this month than any other preceding month, as I expected would start to happen. I'm trying very hard to just be tolerant and know that your frustration is typical, normal, and inevitable for this point in your development, but it sure stinks watching my content child become pissed off more often! You've also mastered the fake cry/whine. I, though, have mastered the "ignore the fake cry."

Socially, you are doing well playing with your play date friends. You tried to tackle Landry earlier this month, but I think you just wanted to hug him. You and Ella play pretty well together, and you call Brycen "Baby." You still seem to idolize your older cousins, watching their every moves and getting excited when you are around them.

Linguistically, you are really taking off! Your vocabulary consists of the words: Mama, Dada, baby, zoo, dah (dog), mo (more), hah (hot), coco (cold), naNAna (banana), cackah (cracker), baba (bottle), wawa (waffle), bubba (bubble), bah (ball), meh (mail). Most every food is currently "cracker." You point for what you want, you grab our hands and lead us to show us what you need/want, and you are constantly trying so hard to mirror our words or to initiate your own sounds. You are extremely good about watching our mouths and trying to mimic us. Just last night, you turned to me at the dinner table and stared at me with an inquisitive face when I said, "Apple." You watched me say it slowly to you a couple times - deliberately examining my mouth. Then, 30-seconds later, you produced, "ah-pah." Your receptive language, as I mentioned last month, is still awesome! I am pretty sure you even understand when I tell you something like, "You can have a snack after I change your diaper," when you are whining for a snack. I even told you today, "First diaper, then snack." You immediately calm down, as if you just needed to know the sequence of events. . . just needed to know what was coming. You know the sounds for sheep, duck, lion, and cow. You sign "more" for anything you want more of - me to sing, more food, more milk, more tickles, more silly faces. Daddy thinks you may even use the sign as a way of saying, "please," because you sign it so sweetly.

Other stats: you're wearing 12 month and 12-18 month clothing; you're still in size 4 diapers (and 5's at night); you still take two naps a day but can function okay on just one if we have to; you still take your milk in a bottle - an issue I'm just not willing to tackle yet but will soon!; we moved your bedtime back about an hour so you are in your crib around 8:00pm which has helped tremendously in helping all of us have more of a life; you wake up around 7:00-7:30am; still no more teeth yet... haven't had any new ones in about 4 months(!) so any day now those bottom sides will make their way up. You still have 4 on top and 2 on bottom. We weighed you at home the other day (which always leaves room for tons of error!), and you weigh about 24 1/2 pounds. You seem to be getting taller and leaner, too.

I am still working with you on how to roll a ball, use a fork/spoon, drink milk from a sippy cup, and just yesterday, how to hold our hand and stay with us in public! You love to get rowdy in a restaurant - mostly because you are so happy and like to test how your voice sounds in a large room. You like to say, "AHHH!" down a grocery store aisle as well. I'm constantly trying to remind you to stay quiet, but you don't understand that idea so much right now! We're also trying more and more to use a pen/crayon/marker without you eating it... you're starting to get the idea, but you don't quite resist the urge to chew on it... you even took the tip off a dry-erase crayon (yes, crayon) the other day. Luckily, Grandma and I got it out of your mouth, but our art activity came to a quick halt shortly after that. You liked drawing, but you liked eating more!

One of my favorite little things about you right now is your experimentation with silly faces. You like to try to mirror funny faces we make - especially pulling the corners of your mouth downward and back. It's hysterical to watch, and you giggle at our faces, too! Daddy and I are really seeing your sense of humor develop more and more, and you are quite the funny little guy. He has made several comments the past week or so about how you see the humor in things and how you have great "comedic timing." You love when we read a book to you - like your Goodnight Sh'ma - and how I peek up slowly behind the book, hiding bits of my face behind any given side. You crack up and ask for more. 

This month was a bit challenging for me as your stay-at-home mommy because of my knee issues. Getting around has been rough, especially as you've gotten faster and more into EVERYTHING! I need to be quick, and that's been hard on me. I've needed a lot of help from lots of people around us - and we're lucky that so many people love us and can help out - but I've hated not being able to be more available to you. I think that's getting better - way too slowly for my liking, which really frustrates and aggravates me, but the past week since my knee surgery, I've been exceptionally more hands-off than any other time in your life. I've only changed one diaper in the past week, for example! I've only helped with one bath! And, I worried that you would be mad at me, that you'd forget about me... sometimes it has felt that you don't really care and are just glad to have more time with Daddy.  But, that all changed last night. We had more one-on-one time yesterday afternoon and evening, and as I said my goodnights to you, you suddenly and without prompting reached your arms around my neck and rested your head on my shoulder for our first real hug. I sobbed into your tiny neck as I embraced you right back. What an amazing gift that was for me, Baby Boy. . . and Daddy got to see it on his 30th birthday, too!

I hope you know how loved you are. I try so hard to just savor these days of you - of holding your tiny, smooth hand; of catching those unprompted kisses; of giving you light tickles on your neck or down your back and hearing that soft giggle; of having you come bring me a book you want me to read to you and feeling you climb into my lap to hear your story; of holding your small body in my arms and feeling your head against my chest; of seeing those eyes light up with delight when you are so proud of yourself or when something is so silly. I love you, Banner Boone. You are loved. You are love.

Happy 14 Months, Angel Baby!
Love,
Mommy

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Sam's 30th Birthday!

Sam's been wanting to celebrate his big 3-0 in a big way, and I was more than happy to help him with this! He wanted a skating party at the local rink that we all used to go to when we were little. So, with this idea, I suggested we have an 80's theme, since he was born in the 80s... it made sense to me! I decided a costume party would bring the whole theme home - and everyone could have a lot of fun with this. And, I think it went over really well. I also made two cakes - a white PacMan cake and a chocolate Rubik's Cube cake. These were so fun to make ... the PacMan was easy, easy. The Rubik's Cube - not so much. I have some ideas on how I could have improved it (like how to make it taller!) but for a first attempt the day of the party - I say it was good enough! :) I also got lots of compliments on how delicious both cakes were - Yay!

This was the wording on the tape cassette Evite:

Let's go back in time to 1982,
to celebrate the year Sam made his totally rad debut.
In our gnarly 80s clothes, we'll have a bodacious time,
skating round and round celebrating Sam at his prime!
Don't be grody to the max or gag me with a spoon.
Just say you'll be there August 5th, and we'll see you really soon!

Here are some pictures from Sam's party:
Sam and his dad

US

Gretchen & Avi

the Rudd's

Aaron & Sam

Sam and the gang

Future Mr. & Mrs.

PacMan Cake

Rubik's Cube


the other future Mr. & Mrs.

NaNa and Colby

Uncle Erick & Brycen

Skating

YUM!

Mi Familia



Mischelle, Kira, Mom, and Me

"OOOHHH!"

Aaron, Jeff, and Sam

Banner dancing to the music in his Atari joystick onesie :)

Birthday Boy

Aunt Kira and Banner

The "Gifformans"

Papa, Aunt Marni, and Lilly-bug

Grandma & Brycen

Sexy Mama!

Kikachoo and Me!

Caden with Zach's camera
Most of the Family in our 80s attire
Although I couldn't skate because of my knee, I had a blast watching everyone enjoy themselves. I loved taking all these pictures, and I loved dressing to the theme. I was also thrilled that the rink invited us to make our own play list for the party by requesting 80s music we wanted to hear while there. It really made the whole party complete! 

Sam's actual birthday (today) has been kind of low-key given that he had to work, I had to go to physical therapy (more on that later) and my substitute teaching orientation (yay!). It began with the damn dog next door barking at 6:40am, Banner waking at 6:50, and then just a bunch of other errands and tasks to get done before the end of the day. Mostly, it was a typical day. We ended up meeting my Mom, Bob, and Kira at a Jason's Deli at the last minute... not the most celebratory restaurant, but it was nice. I just hope Sam knows how truly loved he is by so many people. 30 years... can't believe my best friend that I met almost 16 years ago has gone and turned 30! At least we're both now in our 30s together. :) Happy Birthday, Sam! I love you more than you could ever imagine!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I Wish I Could KNEE Someone

I need to vent. Just hear me out. I need a platform for which to vent my frustrations with the outrageousness that is our current health care system. Lucky for me, I already have this blog for posts like this, so I'm going to just vent away. It may seem like a random mess of thoughts. . . it is. And, I don't really care if my writing seems all over the place; it will only correctly portray my scattered thoughts at this moment. So without further ado, I step onto my soapbox:

Last year, only a day or so after Banner was born and the epidural from my C-section had worn off, I sat "criss-cross" (formerly "Indian style") on the hospital bed while hanging out in our room. I uncrossed my legs and felt a shooting pain down the outside of my right knee. (Maybe while in labor with an epidural my nurses positioned my legs in a funky way that hurt my knee?) I didn't think much of it, but every time after that when I would sit on my leg or sit in the criss-cross position, the same pain would come. I quickly learned to avoid sitting like that, even though that has been difficult with a young baby always on the floor playing. I just learned to deal with it until the day before our family's July 4th celebration. I was in the kitchen getting ready to bake my 4th of July cake (which was yummy, by the way!), and I squatted down to get to the cake pans below the ovens. I felt something in my right knee get tight, and then it was hard to stand up. Again, I tried to ignore it, thinking I just squatted "funny" but the next couple of days brought more pain and weird swelling. So, I told Sam I wanted to go see a doctor. He agreed I needed to go and soon.

The catch is the health insurance. See, we had health insurance through Sam's firm. Before he left his firm, he and his partners began signing up for insurance through the Bar Association. Due to the amount of paperwork continually needed by the insurance company, July was nearly halfway over and we still didn't have the insurance bound. The company wanted more information, more documents filled out by physicians, etc - and all of this was through snail mail - no faxes or emails allowed. (Not sure why that is. Can someone please tell me why these people haven't welcomed themselves to the 21st century?) Anyway, I was in pain. I called an orthopedist to make an appointment, but when the receptionist asked for our insurance information, I told her I didn't have the new numbers just yet, but that I would have it within the next week. She told me to call back the following week because the first appointment would be expensive with X-rays, and I for sure would want to be covered.

So, I waited a week. Still nothing from the insurance company. My knee was getting more swollen, and my limping was getting on my nerves. Plus, bathing Banner, crawling on the floor to play with him, getting up and down off the floor and in and out of the car was wearing on me. So, I told Sam I couldn't wait any longer. He said to go ahead and make the appointment and that we'd just pay out-of-pocket. If it was really expensive, we'd get insurance back from his former firm by utilizing COBRA. Since COBRA is retroactive as long as we signed up for it before the end of the month, we were safe.

As I paid my $238 to the doctor for my first visit, which included a self-pay discount, I texted Sam to "GET COBRA!" since the doctor wanted me to have an MRI and possibly surgery depending on the results of the MRI. So, that same day, Sam called his former firm and got signed up. Two weeks later, I'm still waiting for the cards to come in the mail with our information. . . which means I paid the $400 for the MRI out-of-pocket. Since the MRI results showed a lateral meniscus tear and lots of fluid in the knee joint, the doctor recommended surgery to clear everything up. So, I paid another $108 to the doctor for that visit, $250-something to the hospital for blood work, $1660-something for the doctor to do surgery, $3800 to the surgery center, $45 for crutches, $42 for my pain prescriptions, over $1,000 for the anesthesiologist, and who knows how much my physical therapy will cost.  And, we're still waiting for the damn cards from the insurance company (which is the same insurance we had in June, but apparently we can't use those cards because the group numbers and ID numbers and whatnot have changed since it's through COBRA*).

So, here we are still waiting, out this money that we SO don't have right now, and it's the worst timing for me to have surgery (tomorrow!) with two weddings on the way, bachelorette party, birthday parties, 2 wedding showers, and not to mention taking care of my almost-14-month old active little boy - all while my husband and I just quit our jobs (isn't that always how it works out!)! Now, all that stress I can handle and break down into manageable pieces. But, it's the money that's really got me peeved. I know we'll get a lot of it back from the insurance company, and hey, we met our deductible already through all this shenanigans! But, what really ticks me off is the amount of money these people are making!

Here's where the soapbox ranting begins. Let's JUST look at the $3800 going to the surgery center. Could someone tell me where that money goes? It's not to the doctors. Those are separate payments if you recall. I mean, I expect that my surgery costs help pay nurses, building maintenance fees, utility fees, etc, but $3800?? That's a lot of hundreds! 38 of them! Really? We only pay slightly more than that to school taxes in our area... and I KNOW where that money goes. It really does cost that much to run a district - paper, supplies, salaries, building upkeep, textbooks, equipment, library materials, desks, chairs, etc. I get that. But one surgery taking that much money?? I don't get it.

Let's look at the $1660-something I paid the doctor for a 20-30 minute procedure. Hell, as a school counselor, I earned that in two weeks - not 20 minutes. Is that really necessary? And, why the discount? Because I was paying in full right then? Because I didn't have insurance? Why the discount? Don't get me wrong... I am happy to pay less than full price, but if there is such a thing as less, then all the office staff is telling me is that the doctor they work for is willing to take less money in the beginning anyway. No... I know that's not right. I have enough medical system knowledge to know that the insurance companies are the ones screwing the doctors, so they have to charge more just to make up for the costs they lose to them. My dad and my brother would tell me that the discount was because they don't have the extra cost of working with an insurance agency, so they CAN charge me less. I get that, too.

I just don't understand this damn health system we have here. Other countries have found a way to make healthcare free or at least more accessible to all. If politicians would stop giving a $h#t about money, lobbyists, and big business, then maybe the American people would get the care, medicine, and respect that they deserve. Sam and I talked about this on the way home from my pre-op appointment today. As we passed a library, I vented to Sam about how we have figured out a way to make libraries free for all citizens. Maintaining a library is not cheap! Buying materials, paying employees, keeping the building cooled/heated, safe, and maintained, updating materials, repairing books, offering programs, etc - we've managed to make this free! How have we NOT managed to do that for our health care?

It's all about what we as Americans value. We "value" education, so it's free. Yet, our teachers make crap money. We say we "value" our health, but we complain about how much doctors make. We have some of the best doctors in the world here in America. Why then can so many people not afford to go to them? There's something so wrong here. In total, the amount of money I'm spending on my damn knee is over 2 months worth of what I'd be getting as a school counselor - and way more than most of my colleagues would earn after two months of hard, unending hours at school.

I'm always an advocate for paying teachers more. But, that's not what I'm saying here. I'm saying our health care system is ill and needs a good fix soon! Sam said that the politicians want the American people to believe that anything other than privately funded health care is evil. Well, I think what is evil is allowing millions of Americans to go without health care because they can't afford insurance, can't afford medical care, or both. What is evil is letting injured, ill, and/or dying people continue to be in that state because we can't let insurance companies suffer, we can't lower costs of care, or we aren't willing to examine how other countries provide care to their citizens for FREE! Tax me more. That's freakin' fine with me. Just figure out a way to make great care affordable.

Tomorrow, when I check in to have my surgery, I'll be grateful that I have a knowledgeable medical team, and hopefully caring nurses, to give me the best treatment. But, there's a part of me that wants to ask whoever I write that check to: Where is this money going?

Oh, and literally as I finish writing this... Sam just walked in with the mail. Included: our insurance cards.

(*Update: since the first draft of this post was written, we've learned that the insurance policy and member numbers are the same we had when Sam was at his previous firm... therefore, we could have already provided this information for all medical expenses we incurred. I'm frustrated about the timing of this, yet I'm glad my eyes are officially opened wider to the shananigans that is our awful system here in America!)

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Dance

This morning, after Banner's first nap, I shared a moment I wanted to document. I know I will remember it forever, but because I know it IS one of those kinds of moments, I don't just want to remember it, I want to write about it on the actual day it happened because I want to savor it and cherish it and live it up:

As I went to change Banner's diaper, he took my cell phone in his hands. Rather than fight with him about it, I decided to let him hold it while I changed him. Sometimes, even in the locked position, the iTunes app allows you to play music by pressing the arrow when the "slide to unlock" screen pops up. Banner managed to hit play, and one song ended as I finished changing his diaper. The next song to play was "These are the Days" by Van Morrison.

You have to understand that this particular song is a very significant song for me. First, it is the song that reminds me of my last summer in Austin; that particular summer was an important one for Sam and me.
"These are the days of the endless summer..." 

This song is also the song that should have been our "spotlight" song at our wedding - the final song we danced to that night with only our parents watching us dance as everyone else prepared for our departure. Unfortunately, I forgot to give it to the band as they were winding down, so instead, we danced to our first dance song again. Sam knew I was really upset about that, so when we got to our suite that night, before I took my gown off, he had prepared his laptop to play our song for one final dance alone in our hotel room. So, I teared up dancing to that song in the last dance I would share with Sam as his new bride in my gown on that wedding day.  

"These are the days, the time is now. There is no past, there is only future, there's only here, there's only now."

Later, we would include this same song on the lullaby mix we made for our new baby to play at the hospital. And, the night we brought Banner home, the three of us danced to this song in our bedroom. I was pretty emotional then, and I still get that way thinking back to my family rocking together in the dim-lit room at midnight. 

"Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence. The fires of spring are kindling bright. Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory, crying freedom in the night."

This song has been on each anniversary video I've made for Sam, and it was installed as the background music on my jewelry box my sister gave me for my first Mother's Day. 

"These are days of the endless dancing and the long walks on the summer night. These are the days of the true romancing when I’m holding you oh, so tight."

So, given the importance and significance of this song, you can understand that I took advantage of Banner playing that song as I began to sway with him in his nursery. It occurred to me as we rocked together that because this song is so meaningful to our family, perhaps it is the song that maybe I'd dance with Banner when he's grown - maybe at his Bar Mitzvah or at his wedding. As I stroked his hair and held him cheek-to-cheek, tears began to flow down my face. My boy looked at me and said, "Mama...Mama." I smiled. We continued to dance. He mostly looked at my cell phone and tried to continue pressing things that didn't unlock the phone. I mostly just teared up. I wanted to savor every second with him while memorizing his features. I thought of his wedding day and how I will be there (God-willing!) to embrace my son on his happiest day remembering THIS moment. I wanted to remember holding him close to me on my hip, running my hands through his hair, the look in his eyes, the chubbiness of his hands on my phone and then on my arms, his diaper secured around his waist with only a navy, American-flag t-shirt on. As our foreheads touched and we just loved each other, tears ran down my cheeks and on to Banner's arm. He looked at me with a puzzled look trying to figure out what was happening to my eyes. He smirked a bit, and then went back to playing with my phone. I then saw our reflection in a picture frame, and that, too, is a sight I hope to never erase from my memory. I stared at our silhouettes outlined in the glass. I thought of how that image will change through the years, and I wanted to savor my young reflection cuddled close to my one-year-old baby in my arms.

As the song came to an end, I told Banner how much I loved him. I kissed him yet again, and we went about our day. It was a small moment in time that will remain in my mind in a big way! Even though I hope to have many more dances like this with my beautiful boy, with his father, and with any future siblings, I will savor this memory and that couple of minutes. A favorite new memory made today - just after changing a diaper. You never know when those moments are going to pop up. I'm just so glad it did.

"These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart."

Monday, July 23, 2012

Color, Curiousity, and Cool Whip

Just trying out some sweet painting and sensory play:














Sunday, July 22, 2012

In the Days of the Record Player

Dear Banner,
I often write letters to you telling you about yourself at various stages of your development. Each month, I tell you how you are doing, what observations Daddy and I have made about you, and what advances you have made. But, today, for whatever reason, I want to write a letter to you about what MY life was like when I was growing up. While there are plenty of things I could tell you (like what it's like to have an older brother and a younger sister, what it's like to have parents who divorced when I was only 4, what my school days were like, what accidents and emergencies I've encountered, my friendships, my camp days, etc), I want to specifically write about what life was like as a kid in the 80s. Perhaps it's because Daddy is having an 80s themed birthday party in a couple weeks, perhaps it's because I recently listened to a whole bunch of 80s music, or maybe it's just because the 80s were my childhood and the days when life just seemed a whole lot easier and safer - whatever the reason, I thought you should know how totally different things are in this new century.

When I was your age, we didn't have cell phones, satellite radio, a gazillion channels on TV, Facebook, blogs, Twitter, or CD players even. We didn't have games like Wii or X-box. It seems like maybe Mommy and Daddy were deprived or something when you look at all the electronics and the technology available to kids these days. But, that isn't so. I loved being a kid. Here are some things I'd like you to know about from the days when Mommy was very young:

-We listened to music on the radio. We played cassette tapes, and we listened to vinyl records on a record player. Yes, sometimes, if you weren't careful, the needle which ran along the record would scratch the record, but the songs sounded great on those players. You couldn't just buy the songs you liked on a computer, either. You had to purchase them at a music store like Sound Warehouse, one of our favorite stores growing up. There you could buy your cassette or record, or later a CD. You could listen to your tapes on a jam box or a Walkman.

-We didn't have as many toys that talked to us or did the playing FOR us. We were creative and imaginative. We used tennis rackets for guitars and hairbrushes for microphones. We played with Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Teddy Ruxpin, Cabbage Patch Kids, Strawberry Shortcake, G.I. Joe, and My Little Ponies. We loved Glow Worms, Popples, and Care Bears. We roller skated outside, pulled wagons, jumped on Pogo Balls, rode real tricycles, jumped rope (or Skip-Its), and spun on sit 'n spins. The toys that did talk to us were robotic sounding like on the Speak & Spell and Smart Starts. We played with Rubik's Cubes, Lite Brite, Viewmasters, Simon, Frogger, PacMan, and Shrinky Dinks. We traded Garbage Pail kids and collected Madballs.We made cakes in an Easy Bake Oven, played Atari with a real joystick, collected Micro Machines and Sweet Secrets, and looked forward to playing Oregon Trail at school on computer days. I wasn't much of a Barbie kind of girl, but I did have my share of favorite dolls including the Hugga Bunch doll I took into surgery with me for a hernia repair at 6 years old. Later that night, my dad brought me a My Child doll, a soft doll with felt skin, beautiful eyes, and dark hair like me. I had a Cabbage Patch doll named Agnes, and I had a life-size doll named Jason when I was very young.

-As a young girl, I wore jelly shoes, slap bracelets, stirrup pants, pegged jeans, and jelly bracelets, collected charms for my plastic charm bracelet, wore my ponytail on the side, and occasionally wore banana clips. I may have owned a couple pairs of high tops, too.

-Our heroes were Punky Brewster, the Jems, Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, Alex P. Keaton, the Incredible Hulk, Ghostbusters, He-Man and She-Ra, and Daddy would tell you MacGyver was one of his heroes.

-When you wanted to talk so someone, you called them. You had to actually know their phone number and dial it. If they weren't home, you left a message on an answering machine. If you wanted to invite them to a party or send them something, you mailed it - with a stamp, which only cost about 20 cents or so. We didn't email or scan things. And, there was no such thing as "texting." We passed notes in school, folded on notebook paper in intricate, fun ways. We actually hand wrote these, just like our homework that was turned in on notebook paper or worksheets - not emailed to a teacher or posted on a virtual wall somewhere.

-We watched movies like Harry & the Hendersons, Dirty Dancing, The Goonies, Annie, ET, Short Circuit, The Karate Kid, Superman, Mr. Mom, Gremlins, Police Academy, Grease, Splash, Footloose, Back to the Future, Big, and The Golden Child on VHS tapes on a VCR. We would actually rent movies at a Blockbuster or the grocery store, and you would obey the reminder to "Be Kind, Rewind."

-We watched awesome TV. Shows were original and unique and family friendly. Shows taught family values. In our house, we loved The Cosby Show every Thursday night (those were Mr. Gatti's pizza nights, too!), Full House, Family Matters, Family Ties, Charles in Charge, Diff'rent Strokes, Who's the Boss, Mr. Belvedere, ALF, Growing Pains, Out of This World, Bosom Buddies, and Head of the Class. Oh, and what I wouldn't give to see a Punky Brewster show again! I also liked Small Wonder, Silver Spoons, and Saved by the Bell. Other popular shows that I enjoyed were Wonder Years, Doogie Howser, The Golden Girls, Night Court, My Two Dads, and Cheers. I know from this list it looks like maybe all we did was watch TV, but that is far from the truth. There were just a lot of great 30 minute shows, and over a span of so many years, we watched some great television. Oh, and I should mention that remote controls were also new, so it wasn't uncommon to still see televisions with knobs and dials. In fact, we had those in the early days, and I especially remember them at my Grandma & Papa and at my Granny & Grandpa's houses. You used to have to actually get off your rear to change the channel. At my house, we only had a few channels anyway, so that wasn't much of a problem. We had channel 2, 4, 5, 8, 11, 13, 21, 27, 33, and 39 (and 52 was Spanish). That was it!

-Photos were actually developed back in the 80s. We bought film, took a few pictures, hoped they were good, and dropped them off at a Kodak or Fox photo booth or store. A few days later, you picked up your pictures, with negatives that accompanied the package of pictures. Some of them were okay, some of them were great, some of them were awful, but you had to buy the whole roll of film. I remember loving that I got a camera and film all to myself when I'd go away to camp each summer. I took pictures of everything, and most of my pictures were awful. But, I loved dropping off the rolls of film at the store after each summer and getting to relive my camp time from those pictures - once developed. It wasn't like today where you can see your picture and decide if you want to delete it or not. The only option we had that was even remotely as quick as that was the Polaroid camera which spit out a picture right away, but you had to wait for it to slowly reveal an image a few minutes after you snapped the flashy camera. (Speaking of "flash," we actually had to buy light bulbs for the flash!)

-It was a safer time then. I know people were assassinated and awful, terrible things happened then, too. But, it was nothing compared to the scary times you live in. I'm sad that you won't grow up in a time where you can go to school and not worry about kids bringing weapons to school, where metal detectors aren't everywhere, where airports and movie theaters aren't as anxiety-provoking as they are now. We used to play outside with the kids next door or across the street without parents lurking or worrying. Our parents didn't worry about identify theft or stolen passwords. People didn't use online banking or debit cards, either. I will say, though, that the advances in technology have helped your generation when tragedy does strike. For example, there was no such thing as an "Amber Alert" when a child was abducted in the 80s. Instead, bulletins were posted, it was mentioned on the evening news (which didn't have tickers and scrolls at the bottom distracting you from what the newscaster was saying), and pictures of missing children were posted on milk cartons.

-When you wanted to know how to get somewhere, you used a map. There was no such thing as GPS to locate where you were and tell you step-by-step how to locate your destination. You either pulled over and asked for directions, or you used a Mapsco. Other things used in the 80s (not so much used nowadays): typewriters, carbon copy paper, pagers, wires!

-Speaking of online, 30 years ago, we didn't even have a computer in the house. It was a big event at our house when we got our first computer, an Apple IIGS. I thought we were so lucky to have a printer, too, which printed out on paper with seams and fed through the printer with holed-edges we would have to tear off once finished printing. I loved using The Print Shop software to make banners to hang around the house for holidays. It would take FOREVER to print, and it was a loud machine, but we loved it. We played games on that Apple, too - games like Arkanoid and Tetris, and those were on true floppy disks!

-We sang some great songs back then, too. Madonna, Michael Jackson, Kool & the Gang, Stevie Wonder, Cyndi Lauper, Bryan Adams, The Bangles, Whitney Houston, George Michael, Debbie Gibson, Chicago, New Kids on the Block, Billy Joel, Richard Marx, Paula Abdul, the Pointer Sisters, . . . so many amazing singers. And, I cannot forget to mention Lionel Richie because, well, to this day, Uncle Brock and I can still have a mean competition of who can name the most Lionel Richie songs. :) Great music, with a good beat that I still love to listen to now. Kids my age knew the "Thriller" dance, the lyrics to "We Are the World," and how to "Walk Like an Egyptian,"do the Roger Rabbit, or break dance all over the floor.

I know you could easily "Google" the 80s one day or do your own research about the times when Mommy & Daddy were little (again, something we couldn't have done in our childhood... we'd have to go to a library and use a card catalog or consult a real encyclopedia). And, I hope one day you really are interested in knowing more about our generation. But, I thought I should tell you a little about it from my perspective and what we liked at my house. I wonder what your generation will reflect on and miss about being a kid. I hope your generation can make the world safer. I hope you'll look back at your young years and recognize how far we (as a society) have come in science, medicine, technology, and politics. But, I also hope you will look back at your childhood with as much passion and joy as I do of mine.

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Growing Up

I recently read a blog post over at Scary Mommy's website. She had a guest blogger who wrote a post called, "How to Act Like A Grownup." She begins:

"Do you consider yourself grown up?
I don’t, not really. Yeah, I’ve got a husband, two kids, a dog and a house. But deep down, I still feel like a kid."

I read this beginning and completely identified with her. Rarely do I ever feel old enough or mature enough to have a house, a husband, a graduate degree, a KID for crying out loud! But, I do. And, I'm beyond grateful for these blessings. But, I still just feel like a kid myself. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as a reminder that I am a mommy, a wife, a homemaker. I'm not the 17 year old I once was who could sleep in, drive with blaring music and the windows down on a summer night, who could depend on Mom or Dad to pay that bill or make that appointment for me, etc. I miss those days!

The blog post continues with a discussion of how we have to grow up and take care of our responsibilities, that if we could just stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, the clutter, the chores - that we would be much happier and better parents. The author says we just need to actually become those responsible people we dreaded becoming when we were younger.

Now, while I have always understood this and know this to be true already, this is not where I feel the pangs of growing up. Of course I don't like to do any of these chores. I hate having to be responsible, but I also know that there's no way around it. This was not some epiphany for me, like it seems to be for the author of the above-mentioned post.

But, what I HAVE discovered is that taking responsibility and "growing up," means sucking it up when it comes to putting my needs and wants WAY behind Banner's. I had this epiphany at the zoo last weekend when I was soaking wet with sweat and had to change Banner in the small restroom while managing my camera dangling from my neck, the diaper bag hanging on my shoulder, the twisting, turning toddler on the pull-down changing table, the wet swimsuit sticking to Banner's body, and my composure which was hanging by a thread. You have to understand that I absolutely HATE being hot and/or sweaty. Hate it. Sam once learned the hard way as he put his arm around me in the early days of dating... he nearly ended up in the water when I shoved him from the Riverwalk pathway. (Oh, and my whole family was with us to witness it. Sorry, Sam!) But, I digress. Anyway, the point is, after reading this post on Scary Mommy, I guess it was fresh on my mind about being a "grown up." And, it was at that moment in the bathroom that I realized what being a grown up, or maybe being a parent meant to me.

There are numerous times a day when I have to say to myself, "Amber, get over it. Move on. Suck it up. You're a parent now, and this is what it means." I think this when I can't sleep in anymore; when I have to get Banner in and out of his freaking car seat in the 100+ degree weather while I'm schvitzing in the heat; when I make dinner and Banner doesn't eat it but I have to be calm and think of something else he'll try; or months ago when Banner would nap in my bed with me and I couldn't move for fear of waking him. I think this when Banner wakes up in the middle of the night crying; when he splatters food all over the floor; when I can't participate in conversation because I'm chasing my boy all over a non-babyproofed home; when I can't finish doing anything because Banner's up from his nap.

Don't get me wrong. Parenting is not all horrible. Not even close. I know it sounds like I'm being negative about it. I'm not. I'm being realistic. It's hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either doing it wrong or they're lying. I'm just admitting to the growing pains I've felt becoming a new kind of adult, a grown up with a child. This is what it means so many times a day - forgetting about what I really want (like taking a long shower with the shower door actually closed, like eating a meal slowly while not concentrating on cutting up someone else's meal, like leaving the house without thinking of every.single.thing I need to take with me to ensure I'm fully prepared for any kind of meltdown, accident, or incident, like enjoying a late dinner and NOT worrying about how late bedtime is going to be, like resting or relaxing when I'm not feeling well or am in pain, like pooping in private (yes, I said it), like eating something and not having to share it or explain why I can't) so that I can do what's best for Banner. There's no such thing as a quick errand, a restful night, a loud, blaring singing-session in the car, a worry-free night out. Those things just don't exist anymore since I became a parent.


So, growing up has been taken to a whole new level. It's not only about getting the sheets changed or the laundry put away. It's about doing so much more and getting so little appreciation. It's about giving up so much more and getting so little recognition. Yet, go figure... even though so much of it all sucks - this growing up thing - this parenting thing is totally cracked up to be what it is. I mean, if it weren't, who would do it? I've become a grown up, and sometimes that really sucks. I'm not 17 anymore - even if I feel like it or want to be. There are so many times when I'm giving myself that pep talk to "just grow up, move on" when I realize I have no choice, that I'm the only one who can do this (change a diaper, cook a meal, calm my baby, put him in his car seat, etc.). And then, I realize I wouldn't want anyone else in my place. I WANT to be the one doing these things. The pay off, the reward is like no other in the world. Watching this little baby grow to learn, to become a part of his family, to make friends and to make discoveries about his world, to give me kisses and hugs, to hold his daddy's hand, to be funny and silly and entertaining, to be happy and healthy - there's really nothing like it. And, for that, I'm beyond grateful and lucky to call myself a responsible grown-up.