Nesting in the Kitchen

So, this little family of ours resides in a quaint little home that I purchased over 5 years ago. Throughout the time I've lived in it, I've been trying to update it and make it more livable little by little. I'm always nesting, what can I say? We've updated bathrooms with tile floor (ripped up carpeting previous owners had), we've painted, we've redone the air ducts, we've painted again, we've put in wood floors in one living area, we walled up the old bar, Sam's put a lot of work into the yards, we've redone some lighting in a couple rooms, and we've installed a few new appliances. But, I've always wanted an updated kitchen. This was one of the items on my constant list I have in my head of things I'd like to change in the house... don't you have one of those? I'm sure we all do, and after meeting with our realtors to give us ideas on how we can better sell our home later on, we were told that updating the kitchen would be helpful.

Since I want the use out of it and want to enjoy it a little while it's still ours, we decided to go for it and get new counters and back splash, new stove top (switched from electric to gas), new sink, and a more neutral wall color. Before we knew it, we had a great interior decorator/consultant, and she organized everything! Sam and I (along with my father-in-law's help!!) are accustomed to handling our own renovations and just getting things done throughout the weekends and breaks when we can. Projects typically take much longer when we are doing it ourselves, so coordinating with a consultant who helped us and got the best prices for us was awesome! I used to think it was cheaper to do it all ourselves, and maybe it is... but add up the endless trips to Home Depot or Lowe's and the numerous pieces of equipment we find ourselves needing, I'm thinking we may have saved money! Just a thought. Oh, and add a crawling, cruising infant to the mix and the DIY big projects have just become "DIY-while entertaining/watching/protecting-your-baby-while-maintaining-your-sanity-and-your-marriage"... Nope! Not doing that! So, thank you to SUE for making this big transformation a huge success and so easy for us!

Here are some before, during, and after pictures so you can see our new kitchen!

Electric stove top and low microwave

Blue paint and old sink

Goodbye counters, sink, and back splash!

Counters and new sink - without back splash and without new paint

Counters and back splash! :)

gas stove and higher microwave - you may not be able to tell, but it was raised 2+ inch

And, here's a look at the finished kitchen: 

In the Quiet Nursery

The past three nights, Banner has wanted to cuddle with me before he goes to sleep for the night. This is a change from a) preferring Sam over me when it comes to most everything and b) typically putting himself to sleep the moment he finishes his bottle and we "brush" his teeth. He has usually reached for his crib and can't seem to get in it fast enough even though Sam and I are still asking for kisses and saying our goodnights. So, these past three nights have been unusual, but I gladly will accept his desire for a little extra Mommy time. I crave him, too, so I am loving his need for me. It might change back again tomorrow, and that's just fine, but I'll take what I can get! :)

Just like when he was 3-4 months old and seemed to want only me to put him to sleep, I've been teary again rocking with him as we cuddle. I gently rub his forehead, run my fingers through his curly hair, graze the crook of his nose, and hold his fingers in my hand, and tears stream down my face. He has his eyes closed, but sometimes they peek open with heavy eyelids as he stares into my watery eyes. I just love him. And, I can't get enough of these tender moments. But, I cry for a variety of reasons.

I have so many thoughts going through my mind as I cradle his body against me. I think about my Grandpa in the nursing home, all alone. I wonder how his mother would feel about him being there day after day with only a few visitors every now and then. I think about how I can't stop time and how Banner's life will whiz by, too, just like my (almost) 94 year old grandfather's has. I think about how this babyhood of his is a blink of an eye in his (God-willing) long life - how he'll be in school before we know it, he'll be graduating, dating, driving, staying out with friends, going to college, joining the work force, having a family of his own, and fighting old age all too soon, and there's nothing I can do to make it slow down. I think about my Grandpa being rocked by his mommy back in 1918, and I think about how one day I won't be in Banner's life. Then, I think about Sam without his mom, and I cry knowing how he just wants his mommy sometimes. Don't we all? Don't we all just want our mommies? So, I think about how in this tender, perfect moment of rocking my sleepy baby to a peaceful slumber, just the two of us, how perfect and timeless these memories are.

I also think about how our children do not belong to us. We do not own them. We can't control them, and we can't protect them from every single thing. I can't be with him every second of his life. In fact, most of his 24-hour day is spent by himself in his room while he sleeps. We parents simply get the pleasure of doing our best to raise our children right, to nurture them in every way, and to guide them to make good choices. We get a split-second in time to have each other and to love each other before it's over. In that moment in Banner's dark room, holding each other in the glider, we are perfectly safe and sound. Nothing can touch us, and maybe just for that second we belong to each other - just for a moment. But, I can't help but mourn and miss his newbornness, his infancy, his babyhood - even though he's still a baby.

The other day, we were working on Banner's walking skills in the living room. He's getting SO good, and I know it will be a matter of days or so before he's walking with much more confidence. But, anyway, we practice often at night, watching Banner walk back and forth between Sam and me. One particular time, a couple days ago, he walked from me to Sam - veered slightly off track, but then corrected to get to Sam's arms. I clapped as tears poured down my cheeks and I struggled to get "YAY!" out of my mouth. There was my baby, walking away from me, and he was doing it so well. Again, a thousand thoughts rushing through my mind: he's doing it!, way to go!, he's getting so good!, look how he corrected and stayed balanced!, he's walking away from me!, don't grow up so fast!, I am so proud of him!, I love watching him!, I love how proud of himself he is, slow down - we're not trying to rush you!, be a baby and enjoy this time!, oh my God, I love him so much! And the tears continued. So many thoughts - so many contradicting feelings. Time is flying, and I cannot believe it.

So, these past few nights, in the quiet nursery, I have all these existential thoughts, and it makes all the stress and chaos of the busy, tiresome day fade away. I soak in his sweet face, his baby smell, his soft skin. I try to memorize the feeling of his body cuddled next to mine. I embrace these quiet, delicate moments because every single day I feel that umbilical cord tug a little more as he gets farther and farther away. And, I cry. I can't hold back the flowing tears - tears of happiness, tears of sadness, tears of longing, tears of missing, tears of missing my own childhood and having MY mommy cuddle me each night, tears of sadness for Sam not having his mommy to cuddle him again, tears of complete and utter love.

What it Means to be a Mother

We had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad start to this morning. So, I'm not gonna lie... this post is coming from a place of negativity and frustration on a day that began in complete misery. We had a wonderful evening last night. We enjoyed a family dinner where all three of us ate the same thing for dinner - pasta with meat sauce and vegetables. I love when Banner can eat what we're eating, and I love it when Sam's home early enough for us to eat dinner altogether. We did our typical evening routine, and Banner slept great... until 4:20 this morning. I went to him when his whimpers continued past a typical "stir" from which he can usually (literally) pacify himself back into sleep. When he reached for me and I picked him up, he immediately went back to sleep on my shoulder.  I rocked him for a few minutes, and when I put him back in his crib, he was up again crying full-force this time. I think he was cold... he was dressed in a thinner, cooler material and I was worried that might be the case. Knowing he was very much still tired, I took him back to my bed where we could just snuggle and maybe he'd go back to sleep. Well, going back to sleep was not a part of the agenda. For 30 minutes or so, we tried to get him to go back to sleep. Finally, Sam had HAD it, and he decided it was just time to get up for the day... at 5:15. About 30 minutes after that, I gave up on trying to go back to sleep myself, and I was up for the day at 5:45am. (Even though, really, I'd been up since 4:20.) After that, there was a "discussion" that followed between Sam and me that left me upset, and I hated to start my morning with unfinished business between us. I won't go into details in this public forum, but it was one of those days I hated to have to go to work when I wanted to talk through our "tiff" but I was also delighted to get some space. So, please understand that this post is coming from a place of raw, TIRED, EXHAUSTED emotion.

I've learned in the past 10 months that there are some amazing things that come with motherhood. I was so excited for those things: the smiles, the laughs, the gift of love that surrounds me/us, the rewards of watching my child learn, grow, and develop, and so many precious, tender moments with my baby. And, all of those things are continuing to happen, and I am beyond lucky to have a healthy, happy, funny, smart, strong, growing young boy. But, I have also learned so much more about what it means to be a mommy, and it ain't so pretty all the time. This blog is called Journey to the Knot, and we are on a journey. I'm constantly learning and growing, and sometimes there are growing pains. Today, I felt them. They come and they go, those growing pains. But, today, I was reminded of so many of the lessons I've learned on this journey.

I wanted to comment on some of the lessons I've learned about what it means to be a mother. Yes, these things are also true for what it means to be a father or a parent of anything/anyone, because we all have to grow up, take responsibility, and be the "bigger" person. But, I'm specifically talking now about my experience as a female parent and what it means to be that female parent.

What it means to be a mother:

• It means giving up time for myself most of the day.
• It means losing sleep. It means yearning for sleep.
• It means doing things as fast as possible (changing a diaper, putting on make-up, running an errand, cooking dinner, taking a shower) OR taking an hour to do something it used to take only 5 minutes to do (emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, running an errand, cooking dinner, cleaning a mess), and sometimes you can do it as fast as possible and it still takes longer!
• It means getting over my own exhaustion and sucking it up so I can help my baby, and many times, my husband to calm down.
• It means my house will be a mess. Yes, it appears cluttered and not so clean, but trust me, I did clean, and I keep cleaning, and I keep cleaning, so when you come to my house, trust me when I say it's a lot cleaner than it was five minutes ago. Just come over while Banner is eating dinner, and you will see how much I have cleaned my freakin' house. I'm a mom, and my house is dirty. Get over it.
• It means learning to be okay with not being the favorite parent sometimes. Even though I was the one who bathed him, fed him, clothed him, calmed him - calmed his daddy even! - played with him, sat with him, carpooled him and sang to him, (need I say birthed him?), he prefers his daddy right now, so I have to suck that up, too, because that's what it means to be a mom.
• It means being expected to know the answers - to the doctor's questions, to the babysitter's questions, to your husband's questions. When does he eat? What should he wear? What should I feed him? How long should I let him nap? When should he go to sleep? 
• It means feeling guilty all the time. I've talked with numerous moms, many of them with much older children, and they agree there is a never-ending tug at your heart and your mind each day - feeling like they could have done this better, they could have spent more time, they could have made more money, they could have taught something better, etc, etc. 
• It means getting spit-up on, peed on, puked on, pooped on, drooled on, sneezed on, etc. and just having to move on. It means wiping tears, wiping snot, wiping a tush, wiping smashed food, and not cringing. 
• It means high blood pressure and frustration as your baby cries and you can't/won't do anything about it because it's in his best interest to let him cry. I can't hold him while I'm at the stove, I can't pick him up all the time, I have to force him in the car seat, I can't let him play with the knife he sees on the table, so he'll just have to cry if he doesn't like everything else I'm trying to do to make him happy in that moment (distraction, funny face, another toy, a sweet voice).
• It means learning to be the communicator with your husband. It means learning to work harder as a team to keep your marriage. It means having to have more patience with each other. It means you actually need to be a partner with your partner, and sometimes you'll be the only one who remembers that.
• It means spending countless hours of the day frustrated and annoyed because you didn't sleep, you fought over stupid crap with your husband, you miss your baby while you are at work, you didn't get enough done at work but you can't wait to get home, you're tired and fatigued but you have so much to do, the list.goes.ON.....

But, it also means none of it matters at the end of the day when you are putting your sweet angel to bed. None of that matters when you are getting a drooly kiss from your baby who then lays his head on your shoulder. None of it matters when you feel his soft hand squeeze your finger. Because, what it means to be a mom more than anything is just to love. To be patient and to love. And, I am, and I do.

A Stay-at-Home Day

So, yesterday I posted about my typical day while working. Well, today, this is my typical day while at home with Banner...

6:52am I am awoken by Banner's crying in his crib. I'm glad he slept well through the night, and I'm glad I got to "sleep in" 45 minutes from when my alarm would typically be sounding on a work day. I quickly pee before going into his room. It's Saturday, which means it's my day up early with him. Sam keeps sleeping.

6:53-7:00am Change Banner's poopy diaper. He's squirming and pissed off, and he seems to be looking for Sam. I'm getting annoyed and wish I could crawl back into bed. I am trying to talk sweetly to him and help him stop twisting, but he's still pissed off. I'm trying to not let the poop still on his bottom get onto the changing table like yesterday. Today, I am successful.

7:00-7:15am Make a bottle. Feed Banner 7 oz while he grabs for my glasses. I try to dodge the grabs while still talking sweetly to him and letting him grab at my lip instead. He scratches me. Crap, I need to cut his nails today. Now that should be fun!

7:15-7:25 Let Banner play in the closet in his room while I enjoy not having to move from the glider. I hear him pooping. I let him finish and gain the strength to change yet another poopy diaper. I don't really care about the poop, it's the incessant twisting and contorting that bothers me. I will have to wrestle my son again less than 45 minutes into my day. He wails when I change him. No distraction is working. I feel bad that Sam is trying to sleep and Banner is screaming. But, I finally get his tush clean, and there's a new diaper on him now.

7:25-7:35 Let Banner play more in his room. I watch silently as he gets into the drawers and cabinet of his dresser. He seems very pleased with himself. I try to cajole him out of his room so he can go eat his oatmeal, but he has no interest in following me. I just sit outside his room watching him more. He's letting out pleasant shrieks of joy while cruising around his dresser and crib.

7:35-7:45 I make and feed Banner his oatmeal. He's in his high chair looking around the room. It's pretty quiet.

7:45-8:00 I take advantage of the fact that Banner is content in the high chair. I offer him a couple of small toys and wheel him next to the sink so I can hand wash 6 bottles.

8:00-8:10 I'm getting hungry, so I pour myself a bowl of cereal. This means I will have to offer Banner some Cheerios. I sit on the floor of the kitchen trying to eat without spilling as Banner climbs on me and reaches for my bowl. I finally finish, and when I go to rinse my bowl in the sink, Banner pulls up on my pant legs. My pajamas are starting to fall off of me as he keeps pulling on me. There I am, 8:00 in the morning, being "pants'd" by my 10 month old. Awesome.

8:10-8:50 We go play in the playroom. I turn on the computer to check email, but I never actually get to that point. Banner is reaching for the computer, so I put it aside and get on the floor with him. I feel guilty for not giving him more attention. I turn on the TV and put it on Wonder Pets, a show with singing, animated animals. It's about how they save the "Beatles" - a bug rock band that is trapped in kelp in their yellow submarine. I find it entertaining because they keep referencing the real Beatles. Banner really isn't interested and cruises around the room with the occasional beating on the television screen and turning the volume knob on the speakers. I have to keep redirecting him, and dammit, he's interrupting my cartoon watching! ;) I finally decide it's getting close to his nap time, so I should try to cut his nails. (I like to wait until he's sleepier so he fights me less.) I pull him up on my lap and start trying to snip away. I get one hand done thanks to the distraction of a highlighter marker. I get two fingers done on the other hand before he starts freaking out, planking his body in full force to resist my efforts. Luckily, this is when Sam walks into the room, and he helps me distract Banner so I can cut the other three nails.

8:50-9:05am I whip up some cake batter while Sam helps me entertain Banner. I want to try to see if I can make Banner's birthday cake on my own or if I will need to just buy a cake. We still have 8 weeks before his party, but I can only use my weekends to tackle the errands/chores to make his birthday a success! Yes, I'm trying to be proactive... I know I'll still end up being behind when the date actually arrives because that's just how it is.

9:05-9:15am I try to clean as quickly as I can because now Banner is late in getting down for his nap. We say goodnight to Daddy, turn off the lights as part of our nap time routine, and I'm wrestling him once more on the changing table before we start his noise machine and lullabies. I rock him for about a minute, and then he's reaching for his crib.

9:15-10:40am Banner naps. Sam leaves to go take my car for an oil change. I brush my teeth, take the cake out of the oven, and blog this post. It's very quiet. I am loving nap time!

10:40am I hear Banner in his crib. I see on the video monitor that he is standing up then sitting down. He lays down again. I give him a few moments before going to get him. Maybe, just maybe, he'll go back to sleep.  I decide to go ahead and get his bottle ready for when he does wake up. I stare at the cake on the cooling rack and wonder when I'll be able to experiment with the icing. As I walk back to the playroom to check the video monitor, I stare at all the toys strewn about on the floor, the laundry that is not put away (from last weekend!), and the itty bitty nail clippings that are on the coffee table now. I cannot stand the mess, and I have a friend coming over later. But, I'm too damn tired to do anything about it when 10 minutes from now, it will look the same freakin' way! Well, maybe I will clean up the nail clippings. That's just gross.

10:45-11:10am  I get lucky! Banner went back to sleep.  I get on Pinterest to remind myself what to do with the cake I'm going to experiment with later. I take a few moments in the kitchen to start my project icing the cake. Randi texts me to tell me she liked my post yesterday. I had her cracking up. She tells me if I stayed at home I'd want to have sex more often. Now I'm cracking up. Something to ponder...

11:15am Banner is officially up from his nap. I change his diaper. This time, it's much easier. I don't have to wrestle him. I get him out of pajamas and into his clothes for the day. I also put eczema lotion on his splotchy spots. It's flaring up again. :(

11:30-11:45 Feed Banner a 6.5 oz bottle. He seems hungry still and keeps grabbing for the empty bottle, so I go pour another 1.5 oz. I offer the bottle, and he won't take it. He just squeezes the nipple...yep, that's my boy, just wants to tweak a good nipple.

11:45 Sam comes home from getting the oil change. I show him what I've done so far on the cake. Then we discuss how we're going to manage to keep the icing from melting when it's scorching outside 6 weeks from now at Banner's birthday party at the park. In the meantime, I ask Sam to give Banner some lunch while I clean up the mess I made with the cake.

12:10 Sam is cleaning Banner up from his lunch - which is mostly on Banner's shirt sleeve. I ask Sam to change B's clothes while I go slap on some make-up, and throw some clothes on.

12:30 I met my goal - I'm ready to go when Sam is also heading out the door to go to a work meeting (yes, on a Saturday... I'm not pleased). Sam straps Banner in the car while I grab the diaper bag, my phone, my wallet from my purse which I only use on work days, and set the alarm. Sam is wrestling Banner to sit down. They are both frustrated. I'm somewhat thrilled that this is happening - I love when Sam gets to see what I'm dealing with all day without him around and why I can't stand when he's not here on days I had planned to be together (like when he goes to the lake with his dad or goes to play football with the guys). Yes, I'm thrilled this is happening. . . like the other night when Banner was throwing his food all over the floor while I ran to get a haircut. Sam was freaking out when I got home, and therefore, so was Banner. "He's throwing his food all over the floor!! I don't even know how much he's eaten!!" Sam stated wildly. "I know. That's what he does with me," I replied. "And he won't keep his freakin' bib on!" he snapped. "I know. That's what he does with me. I just leave it off," I said calmly. "And he rubs his food in his hair!" he said, obviously irritated. "Yep, that's what he does," I replied - - - Mission APPRECIATION accomplished! :) Thrilled.

Anyway, Banner and I head out to Office Depot and Buy Buy Baby for a few things that would take me too long to get during the work week, so I'm headed to get them now. Luckily, they are right next door to each other! Great plan or what?

12:50 We're at Office Depot. It takes me 2 seconds to locate what I need! YAY! Go to check out, and Banner is slobbering all over my car keys. I take them away before the cashier can see the string of drool falling to the floor. I throw the keys in with the bibs in the diaper bag, hoping they will absorb some of the saliva. I walk next door to Buy Buy Baby and strap Banner in the front of a cart. He's content while I get a few items. Then, I head over to the clothing section - we need shorts for this boy! It's too damn hot out there for all his winter/spring pants. We never had a winter - pisses me off for three reasons: 1. My hair needed a break from the humidity, 2. My allergies needed everything in nature to die for a short time, and 3. Banner's sweaters, sweats, and long sleeved things didn't last him very long!  So, here we are in the clothing section. Banner is pulling on all the tags he sees, then grabbing the clothes which have now come off hangers and puts the tags in his mouth. I fight him on a couple things, then decide, what the hell. . . you're technically supposed to wash the clothes before you dress your baby anyway, so I figure a little drool on someone else's clothing will come out in the wash, right?

1:15 After we check out, I buckle Banner back in the car and head home as I commend myself on great timing before B's second nap. It's all about the planning. I love when plans go well. I savor this rarity. On the drive home, I have an epiphany about how to keep the icing from melting... gotta remember to tell Sam about it later.

1:25 Back at home, and I offer Banner a few sips of water before getting him ready for bed. He drinks a few sips from a straw then spits out the water. The floor is wet, his shirt is wet, and my pants are wet. It's only water, it's fine. Time to get ready for nap. I sing to Banner while on the changing table... this doesn't work. I play my "Freeze" game with him where I move around and then freeze randomly while saying "freeze." He loves it, he laughs, he lets me diaper him for a minute, and I look like a freakin' idiot.

1:30pm Banner naps again. I blog more on this post, and I look around my house still a complete mess. I wonder what to eat for lunch. Instead of eating, I buy tickets for my friend and I to go see Titanic in 3D tomorrow afternoon. I'm excited I'll have some time with my friend and for Banner to spend some alone time with Sam! Sam calls around 2:45 to tell me he's on his way back from his meeting. He's stopping at my mom's on the way, though, to grab her paper cutter so we can work on our invitations for Banner's birthday party. I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet for a few moments. . . catching up on emails and paying a couple bills.

3:05pm Banner is sitting up in his bed. I go make another bottle. I play a round of peek-a-boo through the crib slats... we both LOVE this. Banner's giggles are priceless. Then, another diaper change... by now, you get the picture and know how that goes. Then, he eats about 2 ounces of his bottle. He's distracted by the toys around the room, mostly the remote control, and he wants to get down to play. He mostly walks around the coffee table for about 15 minutes or so, at which time I call Sam and ask where he is. He says he got side-tracked talking to my family at Mom's house. I know how easily this happens, so I don't give him crap, but come on already!

3:50pm I offer Banner the rest of his bottle, this time distracting him by letting him play with the remote control while eating. He finally finishes his bottle. Sam walks in slightly after 4:00. We say hello, and I hand him Banner so I can start cleaning a little. Banner and Sam go check the mail while I start the vacuum. They are gone long enough for me to vacuum 2 rooms. As I predicted, they stayed outside a while to visit with our neighbors across the street - a nice, old couple who idolize Sam.

4:30-5:00pm Sam and I put Banner in "the circle of neglect" that is the Exersaucer (thank you, Randi) while we clean the kitchen and dining room. We are resorting cabinets and drawers after having our kitchen remodeled a little (stay tuned for a post on that!). Banner is delightfully helpful by being patient and cooperative lounging in his circle.

5:00-5:20pm Sam talks on the phone while I start a load of Banner's laundry. (Saturdays are his days, Sundays are for Sam's and my laundry.) We have family play time in the den. We marvel at Banner's standing abilities. We try to entice him to walk to us. Our efforts fail, but we are still having fun, especially when Banner "dances" to the music on TV (thank you, Toddler Tunes!).

5:20pm Banner's diaper is really wet and needs a change. I have changed 100% of the diapers today, so I hand him off to Sam to let him experience the joy of the changing table. I head to the kitchen to figure out what Banner will eat for dinner.

5:30-5:55pm I get a text from my friend that she's not able to come over after all. Bummer! I was going to offer her some of the cake project! Sam and I eat a piece instead. :) I feed Banner. He doesn't like what I'm offering - a chicken, pasta, veggie combo... I was just giving it a shot, he hates pureed meat. He wipes his tongue off with each attempted bite and then finally stops opening his mouth altogether. I give him apple & mango rice combo, and he eats every bite. Sam warms up some veggies for him, and he does great with these before throwing them on the ground when he's done. I finally give him a few pieces of tortilla while "hiding" the chicken/veggie puree in the tortilla bites - he has his own mini "tacos!"

5:55-6:05 Sam cleans the dishes, I clean the boy and the floor and the high chair. I get a text message from my principal about the project I've been working on. Looks like I'll be working on this project again tonight or tomorrow.

6:05-6:40 I blog more on this post while Sam plays with Banner. He's rolling around with him on the den carpet while Banner holds the Wii remote and stares at it incessantly. He laughs with Sam and seems to like the rolling, but he's really into that Wii remote that eventually ends up hitting Sam in the face.

6:40-7:15pm Bath, bed routine. Final bottle, brush teeth, and goodnight. Banner passes out right away!

7:15pm Sam makes dinner while I fold laundry.

8:15pm After dinner, we clean, and then I work on Banner's invitations; Sam is in the garage on the rowing machine.

9:15pm Sam comes in to help me with the invitations. Sam gets lucky because I'm done!

9:30pm Just about time to go to sleep for the night. Maybe I can squeeze in a quick shower. I'm spent, but Sam wants me to be able to say again during this hour "Sam gets lucky." . . . We'll see. Lucky for ME, tomorrow's my day to sleep in!

A Typical Day on the Job(s)!

Incredibly LONG post below:

I recently read an article about a woman responding to the question of what "Stay-at-Home-Moms" do all day. That woman was responding to this article on the Washington Post website. It had me wanting to write about what I do all day while being a working mom. As a working parent, I feel like I get a chance to know what both jobs would be like - only I'm not a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) every single day (at least not yet). I was for the first five months of Banner's life, though, and maybe I will be again some day, but I feel like this particular work year has given me a good view of what it's like to work and to stay-at-home. Reading the SAHM's schedule, I felt overwhelmed at the thought of having a toddler and a baby and was thankful that is not my situation (again, at least not yet). It's hard enough to go anywhere or get through the day with just one child; those of you with more than one child, God bless you! I hope to be a parent of more than one child eventually, but for now, I'm just enjoying that I only have one kiddo to look after! So, getting back to my original idea, I'd like to write out what a typical working mom schedule looks like (at least for me):

5:20am I hear Banner cry out in his crib. I look at the clock and pray he'll go back to sleep on his own. This time, he did. (Other days, he may need help going back to sleep or maybe that ain't happenin'.)

6:05am My alarm goes off. Yes, that five minutes matters. In fact, I probably snooze my alarm until 6:15.

6:15am Hop in the shower, start getting ready for the day. I'm thankful it's a "jeans" day at work because I didn't have time to go get my dry cleaning yesterday, and so I have nothing else professional-looking to wear.

6:40 Sam gets up to shower. As he turns the shower on, he says, "He's up." Crap... I have to go change and feed Banner while I'm in the middle of fixing my hair. I go into Banner's room and play a quick game of peek-a-boo through the crib slats. He giggles and bounces up and down with excitement. This makes my day, so it's so worth a few extra moments. I change his diaper, a surprise poop to start my day! He wiggles all over the changing table, I get frustrated and try to hold him down while trying to change him as fast as possible. I'm singing to him, making all kind of entertaining noises, and he's still fighting me, contorting his body in every direction to get out of my hold while I'm trying to keep his feet/legs/ankles out of the poopy diaper. His poopy butt hits the changing pad cover, so now I'll have to change and wash that. He's got a snotty nose (in the midst of cutting a tooth), so I try to suction his nose, which pisses him off, which then pisses me off, so I give up and decide to get over the goo in his nose, which is now on my shoulder from him hiding his face from me. So much for my shower.

6:50am I start Banner's bottle. He does well for about an ounce, then he's twisting and turning all over me, more interested in wanting to crawl around to get to his bookshelf to empty all of its contents onto the floor. Forget the bottle. I have to get ready for work! I pick Banner up, put him in the Pack 'n Play in our bathroom, and finish straightening my hair. Sam plays peek-a-boo with Banner from the shower.

7:00ish I head to the kitchen for some cereal, finish packing Banner up for the day, finish packing my lunch, and give Banner a few Cheerios while sitting topless on the kitchen floor with him. He grabs at my cereal bowl numerous times while I try to distract him with his own food. I leave the fridge door open so he can play in the fridge while I can digest a few more bites of cereal before I have to go finish getting dressed... I gave up trying to dress myself completely until the moment before we leave - I got sick of being spit-up on.

7:05 Sam grabs Banner from me to help him finish his bottle.I try to get as many dishes in the dishwasher while Banner is distracted from trying to get IN the dishwasher.

7:10 I head to the bathroom to finish dressing and to brush my teeth. I turn off the straightener, and look at it 1000 times to remind myself that I did, in fact, turn it off and unplug it; now I won't have a panic attack in the middle of my 11:00 meeting wondering if the damn thing is off or not.

7:15 Sam is getting antsy waiting on me. "Can I put him in the car yet?" I scramble to get everything Banner and I need for the day (my phone, my rings, my car keys, my lunch, his clothes, his medicine, and Mom's out of formula, I need to bring her a couple bottles of that). Sam puts Banner in the car, I grab my shoes, turn off all the lights, and set the alarm. I tell Sam goodbye and that I love him 1000 times. We wave to Daddy.

7:18 I call mom while backing out of the garage. "We're on our way!" Then, I sing to Banner: Skidamarink and You Are My Sunshine are favorites, along with any other random song I make up like, "Here we go to Grandma's house, happy as can be..."

7:35 We arrive at Grandma's house. I get Banner and his clothing/medicine out of the car, he wants to play with my keys as we go up the walk. He's drooling on them and has my car key practically down his throat. I leave my purse in the car with the hopes that I'll only be at her house for 5 minutes saying my goodbyes. 10-15 minutes later, I'm trying to leave her house slowly walking away from my sweet boy who is "about to wave!" I look like an idiot walking backwards to my car, waving my hand with a big grin on my face, as I say, "Bye-bye! Mommy loves you. Bye-bye. I love you! Bye-bye...."

7:50 I speed to work, knowing I'm already 5 minutes late. Parents are in the staff parking lot dropping their kids off, so I have to wait until they get out of my way before I can actually park my car. They know not to do this; I watch to see which kid gets out of the car so I can turn in the parent who is now making me even later. It's Caden & Mara (my nephew and niece) getting out of the car - well, crap, I'm not turning them in! So, I just walk in with them, not caring now that I'm late.

7:53 I walk into the building wondering which teachers I'm going to pass as I make my way through the hallway with the children already arriving for class.I'm wondering which ones of them have already turned me in for being late - every.single.day! "Good morning, Ms. Harker!" I say, as I pass the library wanting to duck and cover out of embarrassment that now I'm one of THOSE teachers who can't get to work on time!

7:55-8:15 Get my work day going. Start computer, check emails, check voicemail, help with morning announcements, help with a crying first grader in the office who is with his mother - who is also crying, get my paperwork ready for the day's meetings.

8:15-9:05 I start the day with a planning meeting with 6th grade teachers and my principal. We talk about student groups for testing, a situation with a handful of students and their awful attitudes, how I'm in charge on Monday when my principal is out with the honor society/service organization kids at convention, and what comes up on the Internet if you "Google" one of the teachers... We can't stay on topic in this conversation, and my eyes are burning from allergies. I struggle to keep them open.

9:05-9:55 I run a 504 meeting.

9:55 Email/scan/copy paperwork from the 504 meeting to the appropriate individuals.

10:00-10:40 Grade level placement meeting to decide what to do about a 3rd grader who may need to be retained.Stare at the baby brother the mom had to bring with her to the meeting, wondering why Banner is 10 times bigger than this kid who is 2 months older than him. Try to concentrate on the meeting and not on the baby. Make suggestions in the meeting that are really good suggestions and get "kudos" from my principal, while trying not to stare at the baby who is babbling just like Banner, playing with Mommy's keys just like Banner, chewing on the stuffed elephant from off the conference room shelf just like Banner would have done, and I'm holding back wanting to offer to hold the baby.

10:40-11:00 Call my mom to check on Banner. Talk to him on the phone hoping no one can hear me outside my office door as I say, "Hi, Baby! Did you have a good nap? I miss you....." Ask what she's giving him for lunch, is his nose still runny, does she see that top tooth yet, did he nap well, what are they up to the rest of the day, etc.

11:00-11:25 Check the state assessment testing boxes that have arrived. Organize them neatly then lock them up in my office cabinet. Then, return phone messages and emails.

11:25-12:00 Meet my lunch bunch group, trying to remind them of their table manners while they burp, slurp green bean juice, and mix their chocolate milk with their mashed potatoes... this has nothing to do with the reason they are in my group, but they are making me sick so I have to set the rules.


12:05-12:35 Lunch in the lounge, enjoying time with my work friends - glad I actually get a lunch break, knowing without a doubt I would not be getting a) lunch or b) time to actually talk uninterrupted with friends if I were a SAHM.

12:35-12:50 Try to work on organizing small testing groups for state assessments... then get interrupted by a teacher who needs me to come help a child who is throwing the contents of his desk across the room (at least it wasn't his desk this time!), so I head to go calm him down

12:50-1:00 Make a plan with the angry child, get him back to class. Remember to send out my career day email reminder, get side-tracked working on the guidance schedule.

1:00-1:05 My principal calls me to ask for help with some sixth grade boys. She needs me to come talk to them. I'm on my way....

1:05-1:30ish I sit in my principal's office and wait for her to be ready to meet with the boys. She gets side-tracked with an important call, then we talk with the secretary about calling another school about a student we cannot locate (perhaps he has enrolled at their school without withdrawing from ours). A student from ISS is called up to the office for me to counsel, and then it's too late to call the 6th graders.... My principal is now working on another task, so I head back to my office.

1:30-1:50 Back to trying to organize testing groups, training materials, etc. Get a text from Randi, which makes me happy. We're trying to schedule a play date for this afternoon, which means I'll have to hurry out of Mom's house when I get Banner... that never works out well. But, I tell her I'll try to get to her house as soon as possible. Then, a student comes in my room and asks if she can talk to me. . . we visit for a bit...

1:50-2:05 After the 5th grader returns to class, I get back to testing planning. Email the teachers about the proposed gifted/talented testing dates, return a parent phone call about tutoring, and set up a peer mediation.

2:05-2:35 Work with the special education teacher to double check 504s and IEPs for kids who get accommodations on tests. 

2:35-3:00 I finally meet with the sixth grade boys and the principal. While I'm meeting with them, I'm wondering if Banner will ever show the disrespect these boys have shown, I worry. I work, and I worry.... thanking God the bell is going to ring soon!

3:00 Bell rings. My door is open for Academic Recovery Hall for students who need to catch up on their missing assignments. I have 5 students. For 45 minutes, I try to keep them on task while they ask to 1. get a drink of water, 2. go to the bathroom, 3. run to their classroom because they forgot something, 4. go ask their teacher a question, or all of the above. Finally, the 3:45 bell rings, and I get those kids out of my room so I can run to get my baby! But, before I leave, I pee for the first time since before work started.

4:00 Get to Mom's, already running a few minutes late so we can make it to Randi's for a play date. Hurry to change Banner's diaper, again trying to do it as fast and creatively as possible while he's twirling all over the changing table. Grab all of his stuff to take home, thank my mom 20 times for watching him, and then try to get him in the car while he eats my keys again.

4:20-5:40pm  Play at Randi's. We talk about the kids' sleep schedules, their teeth, their eating schedule, their milestones, our breasts and what bras fit us, our bodies and how they've changed, and my last blog post.

5:40-6:00pm Internally cuss at every driver I see on the road as I try to get home to feed Banner. There are way too many cars on the road, and I just want to be home already. This drive is taking way too long.

6:15 Meet Sam at Jason's Deli, a last minute decision since we're running so far behind. I place the order and plop Banner in a high chair. Moments later, Sam enters, and we all start to enjoy a nice meal that I didn't have to make tonight! I'm more excited that I don't have to clean the floor, the table, the high chair... we only have to clean the boy before we go! On all other nights, I would be picking up the bits of veggies off the floor that made my dining room into a garden. This was a treat, indeed! Relaxed and enjoying some family time out, we head home.

6:55 Sam and Banner go check the mail while I have 30 seconds of alone time (that I spend quickly cleaning out and reorganizing the diaper bag) then it's time for bath!

6:55-7:25pm  I bathe Banner while Sam gets the evening bottle ready. Sam also sets the stage for after bath - diaper out, pjs out, eczema meds/cream, and iPod ready to go... While Banner's in the tub, he learns how to shake his head "No!" I try to "brush" his teeth with the washcloth like I do every night, and he shakes his head. I laugh and say "Oh, no? I can't brush your teeth?" He laughs and keeps doing it. Every time I say "No," after that, he shakes his head. I call Sam in to see Banner's new trick. We laugh, and then together, we get Banner ready for bed. I try my best to distract the boy with all sorts of games, jingles, tickles, funny faces, stuffed animals and other toys, and any silly motion that will get his attention away from rolling over while Daddy diapers, lotions, and pjs Banner. I comb his hair flat, and Sam and I laugh at our little boy with wet, slick hair who now looks like "Adolph." Sam gives Banner a bottle. I go put on MY pjs and get the video monitor to set out in the den. Then, I turn on the sound machine, turn on the iPod with lullabies, and kiss Banner goodnight. Sam rocks him for about 10 seconds before Banner is reaching for his crib as if to say, "Put me in there, Daddy. I'm ready to get to sleep!"

7:25-7:35 Banner cries. This is unusual, so Sam goes in to try to soothe him.

7:35-7:50 It's my turn to try to get him to sleep. He doesn't, though. Instead of calming down, Banner is experimenting with shaking his head. He is giving himself whiplash practicing his new moves from the bathtub.

8:00-8:25 I go back in to Banner's room and try to soothe him again. This is very odd for him not to sleep right away, so I'm getting concerned, but he finally stops crying, and passes out! I think we just had too much fun at dinner and at bath time that he didn't want to say goodnight!

8:25-8:45pm Sam is in the garage talking on the phone. I blog, check email, and pray Banner sleeps through the night.

8:45-9:45 I start working on a project my principal asked me about before I left work. I told her I would work on this after Banner went to sleep. I hope it won't take long because I am spent! An hour after working on the project, I realize I can't finish tonight and need more information for the surprise she asked me to work on for the teachers...

9:45-10:00 Time to get ready for bed, thank goodness! A new day starts again tomorrow, bright and early with my baby boy. Tomorrow is Saturday, and it's my day to wake up early with Banner so Sam can sleep in (I will get my chance on Sunday - God bless Sunday!). Here's to hoping B sleeps through the night well so I can, too!

10:35 Sam comes to bed and wonders if we're going to have sex tonight. I roll over and keep sleeping. Sorry Sam... maybe tomorrow. Or the next night. Or the next night. Or the night after that.

And, wow, I'm impressed if you're still reading! Tomorrow I'll post what my day is like at home with Banner all day. G'night!

ZZZZZZip it!

Disclaimer: Soap box moment. I'll step on it, then I'll step down.

Right before Sam and I got married, I posted about unsolicited opinions. As I wrote in my post at that time, I knew there would be more opportunities throughout my life for people to give opinions and pass judgments when they were not requested, and I knew parenting would be an obvious time for this to occur. So, don't think I didn't already know that as I write a few reflections about how I cannot stand this!

I'm a school counselor. I have the opportunity to give my opinions about how a parent is raising his/her kid at numerous times. I pride myself on the fact that I recognize I am no expert, and I remind parents who DO ask my opinions that THEY are the expert on their kid(s). I would never presume to know what is best or ideal in any given relationship, situation, or home because I am NOT the expert on parenting THAT child. What I am an expert on is MY child, at least as much of an expert could be on knowing a person. So, when others tell me how I should be, what I should do, what is best for Banner, or anything related to these topics, it really gets under my skin.

I am very open and willing to hear others' ideas when it is warranted and when I ask, because I know we can all use ideas, suggestions, solutions, etc when we are willing to hear them. But, when I don't need the advice or your two cents, I'd really rather not have them! Just letting off a little steam here, just bear with me.

The reason this all is coming to a head right now is that this past month, we have gone out a couple of times at Banner's bed time. Banner is a great sleeper, but we have done such a great job with his bedtime routine, that he needs that routine. Alter it even a little, and he just won't do as well. Once, Sam's sister tried to put him to bed - after following his routine with perfection, but because it was not Sam or me doing the routine, he would not calm down for her. Another time, we went out with Banner past his bedtime and tried to put him to sleep at someone else's house. That was a disaster as well. Both times, we prepared for this situation, and we took two cars in case our prediction that Banner would not sleep was correct (as it was both times). Yes, this sucks. Yes, it's something we need to work on, but yes, we know our kid, and time after time, he will not sleep unless WE put him to sleep in either his crib at home or at my mom's house. He's very picky about this (at least since he was about 3-4 months old), and while I wish it were different, I'm very glad he sleeps well when the routine is implemented.

This all started when Banner was about 4 months old. The first time was when we tried to go to the fair with some friends, and it happened again the night of my sister's engagement party. Another time, it happened with my brother, when Sam and I went to do some shopping for Hanukkah. It's very frustrating, but that's just what happens. This particular month, Sam has been the one who has left our events to go be with Banner. Both times, I was left to answer the questions about where Sam had gone. Both times, I was met with a variety of responses - all of which included what we needed to do instead. We should let him cry, he's going to learn to be manipulative this way, he needs to learn to adapt to our schedule, we need to be less accommodating to him, and my favorite... "if I were there, I'd get him to sleep." (This last quotation was from a person Banner does not even know.)

What really bugs me is the feeling of having to defend myself to these people. I am the parent. I'm the expert. I will choose how to handle these situations. And, if I don't ask for your opinion, don't give it to me. I don't tell you how to raise your kid - and I don't give suggestions unless I'm asked, so please do the same. If I want your opinion, I'm happy to hear it at that point. I am not bothered by our routine and our situation. When Sam and I are bothered by it, we talk to each other, and maybe (just maybe) we will ask your opinion. Otherwise, just stay out of it.

I know it's not just me thinking these things, so I'm speaking for lots of people. I wish I could give more examples, but I don't want to betray any confidences or get anyone in trouble, so I'll leave it with that. But, this is an ongoing problem we parents have. People telling us how to feed our kids, how to keep them healthy, how to make them behave, how to get them to sleep, how to teach them, how to handle friendships, how to scold them, how to dress them, what to do when they're sick (even though the doctor gave completely opposite instructions), whether or not to work, whether or not to do daycare or camp or classes, etc etc etc.

I often hear, "When ___ was a baby, I did ___ with him/her." The problem with this is that the opinion-giver may be remembering when her son/daughter was 2 months, not 10 months. She may be telling me how she got her son/daughter to sleep when he/she was 4 years not 4 months. And, the only consistent thing about kids is that they change every day! What worked at 2 months with Banner certainly doesn't work now. So, I'm constantly having to relearn him. My "expertise" is in the making all the time, and I have to give myself some credit that a) this is hard work, and b) what works today will not work in a few months. I'm very willing to hear what you have to say if I ask, but if I don't, my frustrated self will only be annoyed that you think you know my kid better than I do. How is that possible? Yes, we may all have suggestions for each other, but I feel that they should only be given when I'm needing it.

Here's the bottom line: no baby is born with an instruction manual to hand to his/her parent. Every parent is trying to figure it out with each child he/she has. Every child is different, every parent is different, every situation is different. The best thing you can do when you have an opinion is to keep it to yourself. And, if you absolutely must get it off your chest, try asking a question, try asking if the mom or dad wants an opinion, try listening, try empathizing. Remember you are not THE parent, even if you are A parent. Remember what it feels like for other people to tell you how to do YOUR job. And, if you just aren't sure if your opinion is warranted, then don't offer it. From all of us new moms (and not-so-new, I'm sure), thank you for understanding these requests! As Jill Smokler (aka "Scary Mommy") writes in her Scary Mommy Manifesto: "I shall never claim to know everything about children other than my own (who still remain a mystery to me). I shall not preach the benefits of breast-feeding or circumcision or homeschooling or organic food or co-sleeping or crying it out to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business." And, it's none of yours either!

Another Great Read

Got this post from my friend earlier today, and I have to say I love the honesty behind it. I don't think I'd ever call my child a bad name like the woman does in one of the stories here, but I do like her sense of humor. Read on....
Thanks, Gretch!

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46942778/ns/today-books/t/confessions-scary-mommy-honest-look-motherhood/#.T4cGUtnheLI

A Little Girl I Don't Even Know

Skimming through the newsfeed on my Facebook account yesterday, I saw a post that my friend from college posted about a family she knows in Houston. This was her post: "Please lift my friend Mike and his family up in prayer as they cope with the heartbreaking news of their precious baby girl's recently diagnosed incurable genetic disease... and please help spread awareness about SMA. "I followed a link my friend had posted underneath these words which led me to Avery's Bucket List, a blog that explains more about 5-month-old Avery, her diagnosis, and her amazing Bucket List of things she wants to accomplish. As "she" writes on her blog, "I have a lot of living to do in just a little bit of time and I'm going to need all of the help I can get from my parents and anyone else who wants to help." Her parents are reaching out to anyone and everyone for awareness about SMA as well as how to help Avery accomplish this remarkable list of activities before she dies. Other children with her diagnosis have a life expectancy of less than two years. I cannot imagine receiving such awful news. 

My heart hurts for Avery and her family. This is so unfair that a tiny, innocent baby has to go through this tragic disease. Yet, I am in awe of Avery's ambitions to live her life to the fullest by creating a Bucket List of amazing things to do in the time she does have here on Earth with her family and friends.

I added Avery's Bucket List to my blog friends list (on the right-hand side of the page). At first I felt badly "stalking" her blog posts like I was simply an onlooker who couldn't really do anything to help her. But, I also didn't want to just forget about her and thank God this wasn't happening to me/us/Banner. That felt so cold, and honestly, I couldn't get her off my mind! 

One of the Bucket List items is to help spread the word about SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy), and this is where I felt I could help Avery and all the other kids with SMA. In fact, here is part of her Bucket List:

• Go viral on the internet - I know I'm not singing a song, doing anything funny, saying something politically  incorrect, or anything like that, but it would be nice if my story went viral so that SMA has a face.
• Be an inspiration to others  and then continue to be an inspiration to others
• Teach the world about SMA
  
• Help find a cure for SMA so kids like me can use their muscles to walk, talk, hug their loved ones, and live a long lasting healthy life

So, I'm hoping this little bit on my blog will help sweet Avery in her fight and help make her short life be a BIG life! I am motivated by Avery's parents for making every.single.day count for so much! Little Avery has big dreams for her life, and she's already doing so many amazing things for a 5-month old. I don't want Banner's life to be just waiting until he's big enough to do all these fun things... we should be doing them NOW. There's no time to waste, and Avery's blog and her story inspired me to not just wait until Banner is older to show, teach, explore! Avery IS an inspiration, and so are her parents and grandparents. Her story makes me think bigger and stop sweating the small stuff like when Banner won't nap longer, may be off schedule, or wakes me in the middle of the night. For goodness sake, I have a healthy kid who is so curious and alert; he's strong and healthy, and for all of these things I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative every minute of every day!

I'll be following Avery's amazing journeys each day as well as her journey in life. I hope you will join me, and if there's anything you can do to help her, please do. Praying for you, sweet Avery, a little girl I don't even know. You are such an inspiration.

(Here's another Mommy's blog about Avery's story.) 

Top 10!!

Dear Banner,

Today, you are 10 months old! You are more "boy" than "baby," but to me you will always remain my little angel baby, and I want to ring in your 10 months of life outside the womb with a list of 10 awesome things about you at this age. So here goes:

1. You have four front teeth: two on bottom and two on top. You may even be cutting some upper side teeth pretty soon! You have curly hair that grows so fast; Daddy won't let me cut it until after your first birthday. While I think you could use a trim, I am loving your little locks! Your eyes are still very blue. And, when you smile, you and your deep dimples light up the room!

2. You are in love with your daddy. You much prefer him right now, and that's okay with me! I've had my turn before, and I know my turn will come back around, but I love watching your excitement when you see Daddy first thing in the morning or when he gets home from work. You say "Dada" or "Da" much more than you do "Mama" or "Ma," but as long as you're working on that "M" sound, I'm fine with that!

3. Speaking of "Da" you seem to know what you are talking about. You say "Daw" for Theo, Aunt Kira and Uncle Erick's doggy, and you say "Da" for Daddy. At least it seems that way.... You say "Ma" more often when I'm around, too.

4. You LOVE your grandma! Your days with her are fun for you, and you never cry or complain when I leave you there each work day. I'm so glad you are happy where you are, and I am positive this is the best thing for you. She is teaching you so much, and you are developing a bond with her that I sometimes get jealous of (like when you want her after you fall or hurt yourself even after I've arrived back from work). I understand, though, she's a great lady, and she's so good at being a mommy and a grandma! I often feel like Grandma is my safety net, making sure you're getting everything you need that I forget or am not good at. You and I are both blessed to have her in our lives!

5. You are getting over the baby food we keep offering. You love finger foods more than anything, but you don't know when to stop shoveling it in your mouth! You hoard it in your mouth and forget to chew or swallow, and it terrifies me that you're going to choke, but you seem to know what you're doing - most of the time. I continue to offer you only one or two pieces of something at a time, but you hide that food so well, all of a sudden, there's bits and pieces of food just hanging out in your mouth! Regardless of the shoveling, you are an amazing eater. You seem to like most foods. So, what are you eating these days? Well, we introduced beef, chicken, turkey, and beef hotdog as well as cantaloupe, honeydew, and oranges. You don't like the pureed version of meats, so I try to cook what I can for you. You love meatballs, teriyaki chicken, and Grandma's crunchy chicken so far. Carbs are still your favorites, though: crackers, bagels, pasta, graham crackers, Cheerios, tortilla, etc. You are certainly our child!

6. You are standing up all by yourself these days. You are an expert cruiser - walking your way around furniture, the walls, people's legs... you just want so badly to get around on your own and are doing everything you know to do to get where you want to go! This hasn't changed since last month, but the standing is new. Especially when you have something in your hands to distract you from your standing abilities, you stand even longer. Once you realize you're standing, you want the safety of a hand or table, or you slowly lower yourself to the floor. You've taken a few steps on your own, but this doesn't happen enough for me to say you've officially taken your "first steps." Yes, your Mama is hard on you - I'm not going to say it until it's repetitively true, so keep trying, Sweet Angel. Those first mastered steps are within your reach if you will just believe in yourself, trust yourself, and go for it! You totally have the ability, the strength, and the coordination, just build that courage and you'll be off with me right behind you! (Or at least trying to keep up with you!)

7. When we cheer for you, clap, or say "Yay!!!" you light up and say, "EEEEHHHH" or "AAAYYY" forcefully, like you're trying to join us in the excitement! It's your way of saying, "Yay!" with us. Daddy and I first noticed this a couple weeks ago when playing with the shape sorter tool kit that Zaide got you for Hanukkah. You are especially interested in it these days, and when Mommy helps you find the right shapes, and then you push the shape through, we clap and cheer. You started joining Mommy with your "yay" one day, and when you did it again while Daddy was there, we were certain you were celebrating with us. Now you do it all the time, and it's a fun little way for us to know you are communicating back with us, that you are understanding our excitement, and that you want to participate! I love this!

8. You love a good game of chase! Again, this hasn't changed much since last month, but you love anything that creates suspense and a "sneaking-up-on-you!" What HAS changed is that you initiate it sometimes. You'll start crawling away from us, and you look back at us (usually Daddy), as if to say, "Well, aren't you gonna come get me!?!"

9. Speaking of that look, you are getting so communicative these days. Pointing, reaching, looking at what you want with intent, vocalizations... it's our window into your thoughts, and I just want to say THANK YOU! I'm desperate to know what you are thinking, and I've been craving getting to know what you want, what you're thinking about, what you like since before you were born. Thank God you are starting to give us more information! Mommy doesn't do well with the unknowns, so the better you can get at this nonverbal communication, the better off we will all be! So far, you're getting to be a champ at it! We're still signing to you, but I know we should be doing it more often. We're pairing words with signs for "more," "finished," "eat," "water," and a few other things, but soon I hope to add in more now that you seem to be "getting it."

10. Oh, I hope I'm not about to jinx anything as I write out the next few sentences. Typically, I boast about what a great sleeper you are, and then, BAM! you stop sleeping! So, here goes nothing....(why do I feel the need to pray right before I type these words out??): You are such a great self-soother. No more tears at nap time or bed time, and that's been true for a long time. You are great at putting yourself to sleep and (most the time) back to sleep. There are some awful nights every now and then, and when those nights hit, it's truly awful. It's like you just want to play and have no interest in sleeping, but if Daddy and I just let you try to work it out and leave you in bed, you cry and get really ticked off. But, those nights are (God hear my prayer!) so rare. Naps are leaps and bounds easier than ever before, and I don't dread them the way I used to when you were younger. I just read your sleep cues and start our nap routine, and you gracefully (and sometimes gratefully) put yourself to bed. While I miss rocking you to sleep and just cradling you in my arms, I love that you are so self-sufficient! Last night, though, when Daddy had to work late and it was just you and me for the bedtime routine, you let me rock you a bit (you do seem to be becoming a little more cuddly in those first and last moments of your awake time). We stared at each other and, yes, because I am your Mommy and because I loved that moment so much, I cried. Your eyes got heavy, and you reached for your crib after gazing at me with intermittent long, heavy blinks. Then, I slowly put you in your bed, and you slept your typical 11-12 hours! Thank you for sleeping; thank you for that moment!

Banner Boone, you light up my life in so many ways! I kissed your little hand tonight after saying my usual "Goodnight" messages to you. I closed my eyes, and I felt your tiny fingers in mine. I kept your hand at my lips for a few seconds, trying so hard to memorize how your soft, tender skin felt against my kiss. I miss you already, but I can't wait to know you more! Such a weird feeling to be so nostalgic for the past but so excited and unable to wait for the future. I constantly feel guilty that we do not spend enough time together, and I even get annoyed at myself for having to run errands or do chores when you are with me and awake. I want more time with you. There is never enough time! I love the times we just get to sit and play together, when I get down on your level and can look you straight in the eye and connect with you. I love when we can just look at each other and love each other. Oh, my little doodlebug, I hope you know how much Daddy and I love you. I hope you can feel that.  Thank you for bearing with me these past 10 months as I figure out what the hell I'm doing. Every day I hope I'm doing it right, and every day I hope you don't blame me if I'm not. You deserve the best mommy, so I'm really trying to give you everything I know to give! You are an amazing little boy. Just keep on being you, my son. I love you so much! Happy 10 months!

Love,
Mommy

The Bitch Next Door

Disclaimer: Poor language, bad attitude, and violent ideation below. For mature, understanding readers only.

Why is it that the only time this damn neighborhood is loud is when my baby is trying to sleep? I mean the ONLY time! Does the whole neighborhood have access to the video monitor feed and can, therefore, tell when Banner is about to nap or to go to sleep for the night? It's like they know and then decide, "Hey, now's a great time to start my lawn mower, or cut down trees." All of these noises are way too loud, louder since Banner was born, louder when he's napping, and only happening when he's sleeping! Doorbells, helicopters, children screaming outside, car motors, horns, car alarms, the ice cream truck, airplanes, sirens, and all kinds of lawn appliances.... they've all gotten louder, right? Worse than any of these damn noises and disturbances is the damn bitch next door. Yes, Sam and I cannot stand the woman who lives next door to us - her 3 pre-teen boys are loud, her boyfriend drives a motorcycle that he loves to rev up (yes, only when Banner is sleeping), her pool/spa makes unusually loud noises, and her children throw any random item over our fence throughout the week. However, the bitch I'm referring to is truly the dog in her backyard. This dog barks at any hour of the day and night for extended periods of time without any consequence. No one lets her inside, no one tells her to be quiet, and she continues to disturb my household.

I found a movie-maker website (xtranormal.com) to use with my students at work. Before I used it for instructional purposes, I had a little fun with it while I was exploring all the tools I could use. When it came to adding dialogue, I had even more fun with this website. I created a video for Tracy, the owner of the house next door. Oh, Tracy! If only you could see my video, read my blog, or even speak to me when you see me... I would let you have a piece of my mind. I wish I had the nerve to publish this video and send it to her, or at least print out this blog post and leave it on her doorstep! Here's what I wrote for the dialogue in the video I was just goofing off with:

"Hi Tracy. My name is Amber. I am your next door neighbor. I wanted to have a little chat with you. Ever since you bought that damn dog, my family cannot sleep. I absolutely cannot stand her incessant barking every f*c**** day and every f*c**** night. I have an infant child who tries to nap during the day, but your God-forsaken dog keeps him up each day. At night, she barks so loudly, that I cannot fall asleep. And, first thing in the morning, your dog wakes us all up. Please let her in your house to bark the minute you hear her bark - because she is waking the whole damn neighborhood. If you do not do this, I will call the police and file a complaint against you. If you continue to ignore my requests, I will shoot your dog with a bee bee gun. If that doesn't work, you may come home to find your dog missing, as I may cut a whole in your fence to help her escape before I shoot her dead. Thank you for your time, you worthless piece of ___."

Okay, so I was angry when I wrote it. And, just so you know, I don't have any real plans to hurt the dog or help it to escape, but I can dream, right? You have to understand that this woman and her three children moved in right before Sam and I got engaged. We were so welcoming to her; we brought her fresh cookies and brownies, we introduced ourselves, and Sam has even offered to help her in the yard a couple times early on.  She has never been nice to us, leaves her garbage can in the middle of the alley, allows all of the above-mentioned behaviors of her children, and she never acknowledges us when we are outside in the front yard. She's a bitch, just like her damn dog. Oh, and did I mention that she got the dog right after Banner was born? It's like she knew that was the one thing she could do to keep pissing us off. Get a dog that barks all night so that the very few hours we could TRY to sleep when Banner was not awake, we couldn't.  And, don't get me wrong, I actually really like dogs. (No, I never want to be a dog owner, but I do love dogs! Yes, Brittney, I said I love dogs!) This is the reason I would never really harm the dog, but I cannot stand bad dog owners who don't work with the dog to stay quieter for the whole neighborhood's sake.

Honestly, Banner sleeps through a lot of this noise that, in my opinion, never existed before he was born! And, all of these noises are like 1,000 times louder when he is asleep. I know it's really my problem. I'm worried it will wake him so I can't relax, when he really does just fine. But, when that dog barks at 3:00am, and it wakes me up, I don't care if Banner is awake or not, I am so ready to walk over to Tracy and give her a piece of my mind. Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to walk around outside when Banner has one of those awful crying nights - maybe, just maybe, I'll sit on her front porch just holding my crying baby. Then, she'll get a taste of her own medicine when she wonders what is going on with that loud, crying baby and (what she will refer to as) "the bitch next door!"

(If you like this topic, read more about Heather's perspective when her 1st daughter was a baby.)