Happy Hanukkah!

A Christmas tune ("The Twelve Days of Christmas") for a Hanukkah song, as written by Amber, from the perspective of Banner, and illustrated along the way... Enjoy!

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On the first night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me- three board books about this holiday.

 
On the second night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - a Mozart cube that played music, but the instrumental sounds just made me cry. (And, earlier in the day, Grandma came over with a special set of CDs for me!)

 

On the third night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - a noise machine with picture projection, just like Grandma has, that will help me take my naps in my crib.

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - some toys that attach to my stroller and my car seat, a night filled with family, lots of menorahs, and tons of family memories.
(Deviating from my song here...It was also our family Hanukkah party, and I got lots of fun stuff from lots of awesome people in my life!)

 For some reason, I don't have a picture with the gift I got from Grandma & Papa, but it was a LOT of clothes!!! Here's a family picture with them, though! :)

Music Studio, Book, and Special Lullaby CD with Aunt Kiki singing on it!iph

Football Taggie Rattle from Aunt Marni, Uncle Scott, Lilly, & Jackson

SO MANY new clothes from Uncle Brock, Aunt Mischelle, Caden, & Mara

My Party Favor from Grandma & Papa

A New Coat from Aunt Jacque & Uncle Freddy, and a generous gift card from Uncle Barry & Aunt Susie

Outfits from Marin & Landry (left) and Aunt Stacy, Uncle Pat, Cody, & Eli (right)

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - 3...whale...bibs, one package of links -  filled with 26 letter shapes, more family memories, even though Grandma picked me up early from another family party!
(Deviating from my song here...It was our family holiday party with another side of the family. I got lots of great gifts from more precious people in my life!)

I didn't get many pictures with the rest of the family this night, but here's one of Mara and me!

And, here's one with my big cousin, Caden!

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - a triangle toy just like my friend, Ella, has, and I...LOVE...IT! I also got more gifts - at a family party - at Zaide's house - and I entertained the family with my growls!
(Departing from my song again... I spent some great time with my cousins, Miles & Colby, and I even said "Dada" for the first time at Zaide's house. Bubbie would have been so proud of me!! I also got even MORE stuff from my amazing family members! I also got a special gift from Bubbie.)

A fun learning toy from Aunt Gayle, Uncle Jason, Miles, & Colby

A shape sorter from NaNa and Uncle Paul

Batman socks from NaNa

Twilight Turtle from Zaide - will light up my room with stars on the ceiling!

More fun toys from Zaide

My first toolbox from Zaide

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - a choo choo loop that I can't play with, until I'm a little older, but I LOVED...UNWRAPPING... IT! Mommy quickly took it, put it in my closet, and I'll play with it in a few short months.

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my parents gave to me - a plush rocking horsey, who speaks when I squeeze his ears, and also moves mouth, but I'M...SCARED...OF...HIM! But one day I'll ride it, when I can balance better, and then I'll say thanks Mom & Dad, for the best Hanukkah a baby could ever have!!

Happy Hanukkah, Everyone, until next year! :)
Thank you for singing along! :)

Bubbie's Gifts

My mother-in-law would have loved being with Banner on his first Hanukkah. I can just see her watching him delight in the lit menorah, sweetly telling him "No, no" as he reached for the flames.  She'd laugh at him banging on a present, oblivious that the wrapped "something" was NOT the gift, and she'd be on the edge of her seat (literally) clapping and saying, "Yay!" as Banner was perfectly content to just play with the unopened, unwrapped gift. (Oh, seriously, I can hear her voice as I write this post!!)  I just know she would have lit up watching him chew on the paper she used to wrap a special gift just for him. Her smile would be priceless as she would be giddy with excitement just watching her grandsons open their holiday gifts, figuring out what they just got, and giving hugs of thanks.

We have missed her this holiday season, just like we do and will do every day. Holidays are hard when a loved one isn't there - especially the first holiday without him/her. But, Banner's Bubbie was certainly a part of his Hanukkah celebration this year. Lucky for him, his Aunt Gayle and Bubbie went shopping before Bubbie died. She bought him a gift for Hanukkah that Gayle gave to me shortly after Bubbie's funeral: "My First Chanukah" bib. In addition, Bubbie had signed Banner up for a free book club called the PJ Library. Each month, a book, CD, or DVD will come his way until he is 6 years old! Grandma also signed Banner up for this special program, so each month, Banner will receive a gift from his grandmothers, and in this way, Bubbie's gifts will just keep coming!

This first PJ Library gift is a lullaby CD called "Every Little Soul Must Shine," and we think it's a pretty fitting gift because Bubbie's soul continues to shine on - through these gifts, through her family, and through our little boy! Happy Hanukkah, Leslie. We miss you. Thank you for all your gifts!

Sick Mama

Twice since Banner has been born I have gotten sick. Both of these times have also been since I went back to work. . . probably from the germs I'm being exposed to at school and from the increased stress of now having two "jobs." Getting sick now has different ramifications now that I'm a parent. No one likes getting sick in the first place, but now getting ill is 1,000 times worse. I absolutely hate feeling "under the weather" when I have a child, mostly because there just isn't time for me to not feel 100%. When my whole body hurts, and I just want to stay in bed - that is not an option. Banner requires all of my attention, so taking care of myself is secondary to his needs. Unfortunately, when Mommy is sick, Banner doesn't know, care, or allow for healing time. I feel so much more stressed out just feeling an icky feeling starting, which probably makes me feel even sicker. As I feel my throat start to get sore, a headache brewing, or a tummy ache festering, my body tenses up just knowing I can't deal with that right now.

I didn't mind my C-section healing time, because my itty bitty newborn didn't weigh so much, and I had help around my house. But now, my 18 pound infant who is rolling everywhere, on the verge of crawling, and on occasion tumbles from his sitting position needs me to be near him, needs me to hold him, needs me to do so much for him, and getting sick is just not in the plans! Even worse is the possibility that I'm contagious and will spread whatever bug I have to Banner. This is just another one of those learning curves I'm on - knowing how to be a sick Mommy when there is really no time for such a thing.

Happy Half-Birthday, Sweet Boy!

I've been waiting for December 9th. I've been waiting to celebrate half a year with our little boy. I can't believe it's already here! The first three months of Banner's life seemed to creep by, and ever since then, it's flown! As trite as it sounds, and like so many parents often say, time does really fly, and every day IS better than the last. It's amazing how far Baby Boy has come in the past 6 months. Here's an update since he was 5 months old:

• Banner is eating fruits and veggies! His favorites, so far, are apples, squash, and sweet potatoes. He likes pears, peaches, carrots, and bananas. He tolerates green beans. We'll have to give peas another chance at a later date!
• He is a pro at turning from his back to his belly - always flipping over in his crib to sleep more comfortably on his belly.
• He's sitting like a pro, too.
• I thought we had another month before he became mobile, but true to Banner's history, he's hitting these milestones on the early side of normal, so I should have known. He's been creeping for a while, making his way around a play mat or blanket in a scooching-kind-of-way, but now he's just days away from hitting the CRAWLING milestone! He's up on all fours, rocking back and forth, moving his knees forward... if only he could figure out how to move his hands forward, too. But, I'm seeing improvements there already, so I feel like it's gonna happen any day!
• He's playing with his tongue a lot. Loves curling it up, sticking it out, sucking on it, and making raspberry sounds. He's also growling a lot, again, too.
• Banner had his first cold this past month. He was very congested, and he had a runny nose most evenings. The humidifier in his room helped a lot, and the "snot sucker" was helpful from time to time, but the biggest help was Banner's attitude the whole time! If we hadn't been able to hear the mucus in his nose/throat, we would have thought everything was a-ok! He was a champ the whole week and a half of his cold. . . smiling, playing, giggling, etc.
• Banner officially became a son of two working parents this month. Mommy went back to work, so he spends a lot of his time with Grandma, and he just loves her! He's getting to soak up some time with her, Papa, Aunt Kira, Uncle Erick, and Theo (their dog) before he heads to daycare next month. Banner sleeps well on weekend/holiday nights. . . but he knows when Mommy has to work, and to boycott the situation, he wakes up very early on those work mornings!
• He recognizes favorite songs. Grandma sings "I've Got the Whole World in My Hands," and Banner loves that song. He smiles when he hears anyone sing it or even that tune. And, he still loves his morning wake-up song, especially the ending when I sing, "I love you. I love you!"
• Reflux: Very much still in action. Boo! 
• Eczema: Very much under control. Yay! 
• Banner said, "mama" clear as day last weekend. Since then, I've only heard "ma" in isolation. We're waiting to hear more consonant sounds. He loves when I say the alphabet to him in sound-form /a/, /b/, etc. His favorite sounds to hear me say are /l/, /m/, /v/, /w/, /y/, and /z/.
• My most favorite change this month: Banner is reaching for us! He's been "eye-ing" things he wants for a while - staring at a toy or a bottle to indicate that he wants it. But, just this past week, he's been actually leaning and reaching for US! Be still my heart!

What's IN: drooling, pacifiers, zerberts, being dressed only in a diaper, apples, singing/music, hugs, naps with Mommy/Daddy/Grandma, sleeping on belly, waking up 10 minutes before Mommy's alarm on work days (ugh!)
What's OUT: peas, putting on long sleeves, tolerating me putting lotion and/or eczema meds on his face, staying up past bedtime

At Banner's 6-month check-up:

• he weighed 17 pounds, 15 ounces (55th percentile)
• he was 26.5 inches tall (55th percentile)
• his head was 43.8cm (50th percentile)
• he got four shots but handled them like a champ!! He only cried during the shots, and as soon as I picked him up, he had completely forgotten about those mean nurses with the sharp needles!
• we were told that he is developmentally somewhere between a 5 and a half month old and a 9 month old!
• we were given permission to start water, a sippy cup, and finger foods!

Grandma came with us to the appointment, since Daddy couldn't make it this time. She was so helpful keeping Banner, the busy little boy, entertained and happy! It was a great check-up!

The night before Banner's half birthday, I kissed my five-month-old goodnight for the last time and teared up. I couldn't believe December 9th had already come so fast, and I feel so much love for my little guy - so much love in 6 fast months. Like I said before, I feel like (since 3 months old), time is slipping away from us. Especially after going back to work, I feel like my baby is growing up all too fast. I'm both loving that and hating it all at the same time. I love watching his personality unfold and develop. I love watching him discover this world around him. I love watching him interact with his many family members who love him so much... watching them get to know each other and watching how Banner loves them already! The morning of December 9th, Banner woke up to me singing "Happy Half-Birthday to You!" and what a great half-birthday it was. What a great half-YEAR it's been! Happy 6-months, Banner!! We just can't get enough of you, and we love you so much!

A Perfect Moment

I just wanted to document the most beautiful moment my little family had today. I haven't been feeling well. Banner has a little cold that he is slowly getting over. We had the day today to just recoup and be together as a family. So, this afternoon, Banner was ready for his last nap of the day - a short 45 minute power nap really. Sam went to go lay down with him in our bed, and a few minutes later when Banner was still stirring, I went to lay down, too. Shortly after I joined them, Banner fell fast asleep, and Sam and I just looked at each other grinning.

As rain fell gently on the two skylights in our bathroom and the dim light of the dreary, wet afternoon filled the room, Sam and I held hands beneath Banner's covered feet. In that moment, everything was right, everything was perfect, everything was as it should be. We listened to Banner breathe - which has gotten easier for him in the past couple days of less congestion - and we just looked at each other. The sound of the rain, the view of my husband watching our (almost six-month-old) son and looking lovingly at me, the sound of Banner, the feel of his tiny grasp, the warmth of our bed, and the comfort of each others' love was simply beautiful. It's moments like these that make the nonsense of work, the stress of sleepless nights, the chaos of a hectic, busy day, or the constant worry of all the little things completely disappear. I will remember this afternoon's nap - forever recorded and etched into my heart and mind.

A perfect afternoon, even when I didn't feel well. But, just when I thought this moment couldn't get any better, it did - when Banner woke up. After playing and looking around for a few minutes, all of a sudden, he said, "mama" just perfectly. We know he didn't know what he had said, and we know it didn't have any meaning at this point, but it was so perfectly enunciated and pronounced. Sam and I just looked at each other and said, "Did you hear that!?!"

Perfect!

So Much to Be Thankful For...

Family Photo

Mommy and Banner

Grandma's Little Gobbler

With Aunt Kiki

Aunt Amber & Caden

Landry & Banner

Grandma & Grandkids

NaNa & Aunt Gayle loving on Banner

Zaide & Grandsons

Zerberts from Daddy right before bath time!

 Happy First Thanksgiving, Banner! We are so thankful for YOU!

Banking

On my way to work each morning, I have a few moments to reflect on how things are going in my new role as a working mom. I can't help but think of my time as a variety of little piggy banks with different labels on each one. On one piggy is the label: Sam. In that bank, I deposit my coins (my time) when we go on a date, stay up late talking or playing, eating dinner together, etc. On another bank is the word: Banner. I get to add coins to that one when I play with him and spend quality time just the two of us. Yet another piggy reads "Work" and I add time by dedicating myself to my job. There are many other banks, too: Errands, House, Sleep, Family Time, just to name a few. There are others like "Kira's Wedding" or "Visiting Robyn" that might just sit lonely for a while until I can get to them, but they are always there on my mind, waiting for me to add a deposit. And then, there is the bank that I often overlook altogether that reads: Amber.

I feel good when I imagine myself adding to these banks, but it's hard to keep them balanced and somewhat full when I'm on complete overload much of the time. When I attend a work event late in the evening, I may feel like I get to add a deposit to the "Work" bank, but the Banner bank is being emptied - and THAT really bugs me. Anything that takes away from him and/or Sam makes me really rethink how important it is. But, then again, without other banks to fill, I may ultimately deplete the Banner or Sam bank, so it's important for me to try to keep a healthy balance and a healthy perspective.

Another analogy that always comes to mind (and has since Banner was born) is the Sims game. If you have ever played a Sims game, the goal is to proceed through the game by creating a life for your Sims character(s) and to maintain their happiness, health, hygiene, and relationships at the same time. When one status decreases (sleep, for example), another one increases (hunger, for example). You have to tell your character when to use the restroom, when to eat, when to interact with another character, etc. The player can manipulate the character in ways to increase happiness, decrease sleepiness, increase hygiene, etc. I always feel like I'm trying to maintain these statuses with Banner - all the time! Changing a wet diaper increases his comfort level; feeding him decreases his hunger level; playing with him increases his happiness; napping him decreases his fatigue level; bathing him increases his hygiene level; reading and singing to him increases his learning level, and the list goes on and on.

It's just a lot to have on my mind, trying to balance so many aspects of my routine and my time. There's no way to keep the balance in each bank the same, but I often feel like I'm trying. There are some banks that I have to contribute deposits when I don't really want to (work, errands, cleaning) because they take away from the banks I want to add to (Banner, Sam, family, Amber, etc). Keeping up with these banks all the time reminds me of that common question that working mothers often face: Can we have it all? I'm trying to balance these banks, but I'm often stressed by trying to DO it all. So much to do, so little time now that I'm back at work, and I'm just going to have to get better at not driving myself crazy in the meantime. But, that will take a lot of time, patience, and practice. . . and THAT you can bank on!

News from a Workin' Mama

I'm back at work. I hate it. I like my job, but I hate working. Does that make any sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is I hate working, but if I have to work, I'm glad I work where I do. I love my coworkers, and I love the community I work in. I'm trying so hard to look at any bright sides of being a working parent, but the brightest part of my day is being with Banner, so it's rough trying to find anything to beat that. It's really hard to be a working parent, but I'm learning it's actually much harder to be a working mom. I never thought I'd say that - the feminist in me is screaming at me right now - but there's something about that maternal feeling that is so powerful. It's so hard to be away from the little boy I have built such a deep, strong bond with for 5 straight months. I'm more than grateful for the 5 months I had with him - much more time than other working moms get - but no amount of time would be sufficient. Again, I keep trying to look for the positives in this situation, and there are some, but nothing really compares to being available for my son every minute of his days at this early age.

So, what are some of those highlights? I figure if I write them out, maybe it will help me buy into them a little more. Maybe on those awful days where I can't stand being in my office, or in a meeting, or answering that phone call, or dealing with a difficult child, I can reread this blog post and help me through a day that could otherwise end up in me turning in my resignation papers!

1. Working allows Banner the time with another caregiver so he can learn that he is worthy of love from people other than Sam and me. Someone else will get to love my child, and Banner will learn that other people care about him.
2. Income. . . enough said, really... but more resources will help us provide many opportunities for Banner. Not that money and "things" will make Banner a better person, but having the chance to take him places, providing experiences for him, and feeling secure financially will be better for the whole family.
3. I get the chance to socialize with other adults.
4. I get to help other children.
5. Banner will learn that his mommy is important to other people and not just to him. He'll learn that I worked hard to get where I am in my career and that higher education is important.
6. Later when he's in daycare, he'll learn how to socialize even more with other babies/kids (he loves other babies already!), and he'll get some immunities from all of their germs.  His language development will benefit from exposure to other kids and adults as well.
7. Banner will get the chance to cope with change; he'll get to play with other toys; he'll learn that Mommy and Daddy always come back for him.

So, that's my list so far. I know these are all positive, beneficial things on my list, but I could make an equally supportive list for staying at home with Banner and NOT working. I could also describe a flip-side to most of the above items. It's going to be a constant decision; I'm going to have to grapple with this decision almost daily, I know. Other working moms I work with tell me that there will be some days when I can't wait to get to work, and there will be days (more often) that I can't stand what I'm doing and wish I were with my little one. I've also been told that no matter when Banner reaches a milestone for the first time, the first time he does it for ME is the first time it happened. The only time it really counts is when I witness it for the first time. (The control freak in me has a problem with this idea because I'll never really know when he mastered something for the first time, but I guess I'll be so excited to see whatever he's doing the first time I see it that it won't matter if he's done it 2 or 3 times before.)

It's just an overwhelming change, and I'm sure I'll get used to it soon. So many people do this every day; I know I'm not alone; I know I'm not any different from these other parents that work outside the home. But, when you're the one going through it - none of that matters. It's all about me and it's all about Banner, and it's all about how I'm going to deal with this change and start accepting it. It will be fine, I know. It will work itself out. I've just never been good with change, and I don't know that I'll ever be good at being away from my baby.

Guilt: A New State of Being

I'm going back to work in a couple of days. I've been dreading this week for at least five months now, and I can't believe it's finally here. I've tried my best to put it out of my mind until it actually arrives, but it's always been hovering over my head like a guillotine ready to fall. I know I had a lot more time with Banner than other working moms get with their kids before maternity leave runs out, so I'm not complaining. My pregnancy fell at a beautiful time considering that I work for a school district. . . a summer birth right after the last week of school gave me 2 free months without having to take time off, then FMLA allowed me 60 work days off to be a mom getting to know my baby.  I couldn't have planned it better (well, I didn't "plan" it that way; it just sort of happened like that)! But, that doesn't take away from the pain, anxiety, sadness that comes with having to go back to the work force and leave my son with other caretakers. Luckily, for the next several weeks before the holidays, my mom will be taking care of him each day. There's no one who would take better care of him, so I will feel comfortable being at work - at least until January when he starts daycare.

But, the point of this posting is all about the guilt I have felt as a mom since the day Banner was born. Why? Well, because no matter what I do, I feel worried and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing by him. Here's yet another glimpse into my thinking from day to day:

I should be a stay-at-home mom and spend every moment with Banner. No, I should be a working mom and show him how important it is to have a job. I should show him how great it is that women can work and have a family, and I should use the degrees I worked so hard to get to teach my child about higher education and the importance of learning. I should spend more time interacting with him. No, I should leave him to entertain himself more often. I don't know what's wrong; why's he crying? I should fix it! No, I should let him cry-it-out; he needs to learn how to soothe himself. I should let him sleep. No, he sleeps too much! I should get a nanny so he doesn't get germs at daycare. No, he needs to go to daycare to be exposed to germs to build immunities. I need to make his room colder, he's going to get hot. No, his room needs to be warmer, he's going to freeze. Sam and I should go out alone more often because that's good for Banner, too. But, no, we should spend as much time with him as we can. Banner wakes too easily when there's noise, so I should be extra quiet during sleep times. No, I should have been louder when he was a newborn (which I was!), and/or I should just go about my day and he'll have to learn to sleep though it! He loves the TV - I'll let him watch a little. No, studies show that's awful for kids under 2; I should turn it off.  Banner loves the bath, I should let him stay in it longer. But, no, it'll dry out his skin if I let him take a longer bath. He shouldn't fall asleep in the swing for naps, it's not good for him. But, he loves it and doesn't fight sleep that way, so maybe it's okay. He wants his pacifier, I should let him have it as much as possible. No, he's going to have speech problems, or he'll end up being dependent on it too much. Oh, and, the whole breastfeeding issues - but let's not go there again!

Ay ay ay! The never ending cycle of thoughts that contradict each other and create more guilt on my part! It's ridiculous, but it's a universal, common feeling. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts - although I may over-analyze much too often - something that I'm well-known for and often, yes, guilty of more than I'd like to be. But, taking care of a tiny, helpless, innocent, beautiful creature that I brought into this world puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. And, for whatever reason, mothers seem to be the ones to worry more often. Sam would tell you I need to chill out, but that's a lot easier said than done. I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope, trying hard not to teeter too much to one side and do the "wrong" thing - if there is a "wrong" thing. It's a balance that I want to keep even at all times, but that's just really hard to do. And, these decisions are not life-threatening decisions. . . they're actually kind of minor - but, they are decisions nonetheless.

So, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm just going to feel guilty most of my life when it comes to my child(ren). I figure I'll always be thinking, "I should have done this..." or "I could have done that..." - always questioning my choices and how they impact Banner's development, happiness, health, safety, comfort, future, and well-being. And, currently, this whole work thing is in the spotlight of concerns. So many working moms, so many stay-at-home moms... it really doesn't matter which, but you have to come to terms with your decision and know what's right for your own family, and I have a feeling this will be an ongoing decision. It's going to keep coming up. See, I told Sam last night that, in my mind, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Maybe that's because I have been for the past few months; maybe it's because I've always envisioned that when I was younger; maybe it's because I'm hoping that's in my future. Who knows... but it's causing mental discomfort when thinking of myself at work and my son somewhere else. I know there are pros and cons to both staying at home and to working, but either way I'll feel guilty . . . and be forewarned, if you read this blog often, you'll be reading a lot more on this topic in the future while I DO come to terms with this ever-changing, ever-frustrating decision! This is just another state of being, I guess. So, while I come to terms with being back at work, I'm going to think about it this way: I'm a stay-at-home mom who works just 5 days a week. :)