Poor Moms, Poor Dads

"Choosy Moms Choose Jif"

"Kid tested, Mother Approved." -Kix

"Recommended by Dr. Mom" - Robitussin

"Moms depend on Kool-Aid like kids depend on Moms."

"Kid delicious. Mom nutritious." - Nestle Nesquik

Have you ever thought about how society views mothers? If you know me, you know I have - and a lot! The above ads came to me pretty quickly when I thought about how TV commercials help perpetuate the way we view parents. More than how this affects mothers, I've thought about how this affects fathers. I asked Sam the other night, after several "parenting" conversations that had come up last weekend with friends and with family, if he ever gets annoyed that most people tend to look to me when it comes to decisions about our child. It kind of annoys me, so I wondered if it annoyed him. I recognize that women are seen as the primary care-takers of their children, but should we just accept that stereotype/assumption without questioning it? The concern is definitely a feminist one - that men and women should be equals. I'm not complaining about how it makes me feel as a woman; I'm worried about how it makes our men feel as fathers.

The fact is that I want Sam to be just as active in our child's life as I am. I want him to make decisions with me; I want his input and his help; I want him to be just as involved in child-rearing and care-taking as I am. It bothers me when people assume he doesn't care or doesn't have an opinion about something. It also bothers me when people assume I DO. It's kind of the same way I felt with the wedding planning - the original reason I started this blog in the first place. I was not one of those women who had envisioned my wedding day with the minute details already planned out since I was 2 years old. I hated when the vendors would look at me (and not at Sam) with the expectation that I knew the answers to their questions when I may have never thought about what I would like/want. I desperately needed Sam to talk about what he wanted as well. It's pretty much the same thing now. . . our friends and family ask us questions and look to me for the answers - not to Sam.

The worst part is that I understand the stereotype. I work in a school with children, and when there's a problem or I need to talk to a parent, the first one I'd rather talk to is the mother. Is that because fathers, in general, are not expected to know the answers about their own children? Is that because they really aren't involved? Or, is that because I find it easier to talk to a woman? So many internal questions with this one... and, again, what's worse is that my own brother is extremely active in his kids' lives. He is with them more than their mother is. I know many dads who attend parent/teacher conferences and are more communicative than the moms are. And, I know many single dads who are raising their kids on their own, so why would I feel that I can't talk to a dad as easily as I could talk to a mom? I guess I blame society for these messages that dads just don't know what's going on with their kids or don't care - - even though I KNOW that message is not true.

I want Sam and I to be the parents who show up to the pediatrician together, who attend parent/teacher conferences together, who would know all of Baby's friends, his grades, when his next soccer game is, etc. without having to consult with each other. I don't want Sam to feel left out of decision-making when it comes to our child or our family. I just don't want everyone to assume that I'm the only one with knowledge of our child or that I'm the only one making the decisions for our kids.

During our conversation last weekend, we talked about how sexist our society is. The wedding was just as much Sam's as it was mine - and who did people look to when asking questions about what we wanted to happen at this event? Me. This baby is just as much Sam's as he is mine - and who do people look to when asking questions about how we will raise him, care for him, etc? Me. Yet, when this house belonged solely to me, and Sam was in town from school helping me with some house maintenance, we'd go to Home Depot, and who did people look to when asking questions about the house? Sam! The same is true when we were looking at buying a new car last summer. The car was for me, but who did the salesperson ask questions to when discussing preferences or payment plans? Sam!

We both decided, after this interesting conversation, that we really haven't come as far as we think we have (as a society) since the 1950s. This is a problem, in my opinion, for both moms and dads when it comes to parenting. Moms feel the pressure to know everything, to have decisions made, to be the primary care-taker. Dads feel left-out, as if they don't know or care.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but those ad slogans seem to really favor moms as the primary care-taker and decision-maker. Just watch TV commercials more closely - you might start to notice, if you haven't already, how dads are treated as additional children or non-existent in their kids' lives. Poor Moms. Poor Dads.

The Empathy and the Empathy Belly

Every Thursday in April, Sam and I participated in a Prepared Childbirth Class which took place at our hospital. Each class started with a lecture segment led by our instructor, Jessie. Then, we would watch a video of some kind, and then we would practice relaxation techniques from breathing to massage. Sam and I both learned a great deal about various topics from the stages of labor to postpartum care. We got a chance to talk to other couples, to hear about the hospital policies and procedures, and to voice our concerns and fears. We had a chance to really discuss our hopes, desires, and expectations with each other, as well. One assignment was to delegate percentages of responsibilities for various household and baby care chores after the baby is born - like who is mostly responsible for laundry, yard care, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, feeding baby, bathing baby, house maintenance, etc. Another assignment was to discuss our fears about medical intervention with another couple in the class. During class discussion, we talked about our expectations for who we wanted to be allowed in the labor room, what should happen immediately after the baby is born, and how we wanted to handle guests at the hospital ( as well as how to share that information with our family and friends). I, personally, liked the videos we would watch. Even though they would scare the ba-jeesus out of me (and the other women as we watched women give birth and nurse their babies - both completely natural activities that looked entirely unnatural!), it was really Sam's first experience seeing anything like this. Oh, you should have seen his face - more specifically his eyes - when he'd see such sights - especially just how much of the breast goes into a baby's mouth! Too priceless! :)

I would come home from these classes with a better understanding of what we've gotten ourselves into, and I'd feel understood by the instructor, by the other women in the class, and most importantly, by Sam. Some people have told us that these classes are worthless, and that, in the heat of the moment of labor and delivery, you forget everything you've learned. Well, my response to that is that I don't really care. There's a lot I DIDN'T get out of the class; for example, I already know how I handle pain - and having Sam tell me a funny story will NOT help me in the moment, or having him touch me if I'm hot and sweaty will NOT be beneficial for either one of us. Yet, the discussions and assignments we had during these classes have, at the very least, opened up more conversation for Sam and me to understand each other better.

Throughout my pregnancy, my dealings with the medical professionals has been just that - medical. It's been very black and white, very unemotional. Our classes have allowed us to handle our emotional reactions to the medical side of being pregnant. Honestly, there have been very few emotional supports from doctors in my life during this emotionally charged time. I'm not saying they are un-feeling or not supportive, but no one has really validated my fears and concerns about sustaining pregnancy, about labor, and about delivery with words of encouragement and understanding like, "I know you're worried, but most babies are born healthy," or "I can understand your concerns, but there will be so many people to help you through this," or "I will be right there with you helping you when you're scared." Maybe it's my counseling background that makes me just wish these medical professionals would be a little more empathic to the fear and worry of this scary, new event in a woman's life.

Sam agrees with these comments, as once I have voiced them to him, he nods and mirrors my concerns. He has told me he is just as scared and worried as I am. He worries about me, and he worries about our baby. He doesn't want to see me in pain, and he wants to know what he can do to help me through it all. I'm so grateful that he seems to get it all; even if he doesn't have to be the one to go through it all personally, he certainly seems to empathize with what I'm saying and sees my perspective as best he can.

One additional way that Sam was able to see my point-of-view, even if not exactly the same way, was the Empathy Belly experience in our last class last week. I've posted some pictures below, so you can see how he was given the opportunity to wear a weighted belly and breasts to feel the cumbersome pregnant body. Most of the men in the class put the belly on, tried to pick something up off the floor, and then passed it along. I asked Sam to just experience what it's like to lay down, try to turn over, and then to get up on your own. He had quite a reaction to this experience - saying, "Oh, wow! That kinda hurts my back!" The other women in the class laughed a little, too. And, although these activities don't hurt my back like he experienced, he got to experience the awkward change in maneuvering your body a different way when you're pregnant. Sam has always been helpful, and he's been even more helpful while I've been pregnant - even more than I really need him to be. I can bend over, I can reach things, I can carry things, I can get off the couch, etc., but it's just more difficult now. So, it's nice to know that he's there to help, and now, after the Empathy Belly, he's even more understanding of just how awkward my body feels for me - without thinking I'm weak or "playing the pregnancy card."

So, whether or not others think these classes will benefit us on B-Day, they were certainly well worth it in the meantime and in helping both of us understand the process, the body, and the emotions we are both feeling. And, well, we got these great pics, too! Thanks for being such a great sport, Sam! Baby will love these pictures one day - of his mommy and daddy being "pregnant" at the same time! :)

Mourning Just "Samber"

I met Sam when I was 16. We became fast friends, and then we became best friends. We would chat endlessly on the phone when I went off to college, and we loved to spend hours on the computer "IMing" each other, getting all giddy that the other was online. I missed him so much, and there was no other guy that seemed to "get" me the way he did - so effortlessly, so naturally, so deeply. After about 2 years as best friends, we finally disclosed our true feelings for each other, admitting that when we said we loved each other, we meant it more than just as a friend. Our friends and family started calling us "Samber," a playful nickname we never really rejected.

We spent the next several years trying to figure out the best way to maintain our relationship and our friendship with many splits, breaks, and back-togethers. Through all of it, we never disrespected each other, never forgot the love and comfort we found in each other, and never fell out of love with each other. Deep down, I always knew I'd be with Sam in the end. I remember nights back in college - just knowing one day we would be married. I remember our talks about what we would name our kids. I remember looking for the right house to buy, knowing one day Sam would move in with me, and we'd share an amazing life together. I used to imagine my walk down the aisle towards him. I used to imagine having him next to me as I gave birth to our baby... knowing there was no one else I would want next to me in that difficult, scary, amazing, miraculous moment.

We were talking the other night about how all of these dreams are now a reality, and we're both feeling so blessed right now. We've said those words to each other - you know, the "Can you believe we're really having a baby together?" or the "We've been planning this for so long. What do you think those two teenagers would think?" referring to our younger selves. We've laid in bed just staring at each other, tearing up that we actually created a life that's growing inside me right then at that moment.

But, there's also a slight tinge of pain as we say goodbye to the time we have left as just Samber - just us. For about 15 years, we've invested time, energy, and emotion to just each other. We've nurtured our relationship and our friendship and have built a stable, strong bond that ties us to each other. So, it's hard to imagine that we both are going to add a tiny person into our lives that will require just as much (if not more) time, energy, and emotion on both of our parts. I know we are ADDING, not taking away, but there have been a few tearful moments when we just hug each other, recognizing our "just us" time is dwindling. Soon, we'll be so invested in this little life. We'll never lose us, and we can always have our date nights, our get-aways, our cruises and trips, but there's never going to be a time that we don't think about this baby boy. Our selfish days invested in only each other are ending, and I'm embracing the time we have left as a couple, a family of two.

I just love him. I love us. It's hard to believe that we'll be a "threesome" soon, and hopefully, we'll have more children one day. I can't wait to raise this child (and his siblings) with Sam. We're so ready for this. We're gonna make a great team. We'll spend time alone with each other - for us, and for the sake of our children. But, I want to embrace the nostalgic feeling that we're saying goodbye to those days of only dreaming about our kids. I want to be realistic, before I can't take advantage of the time, that I'm going to miss just us. We'll both have a new love soon . . . we already do! I'll have another little man in my life, so I'm giving myself plenty of time to soak up every moment when Sam's still my only love.

We have heard so many parents say things like, "I can't even remember life without my son/daughter." And, even looking back in time before my oldest nephew and niece were born, I really can't remember life without THEM, so I completely get that feeling. Knowing that, I want to remember as much as I can about those two teenagers who were best friends, completely in love, and dreaming about their futures together. I want to remember the trips they took on their own, the dates they had, the careless, selfish, silly times they enjoyed for so long before they grew up. So, as we enter the next stage of our lives, the next stage of our relationship and of our friendship, we will do so together, knowing we squeezed out every ounce of "just us" we could get!

Safe and Sound

My best friend told me that she cried when her kids were born. She says of course she was so happy to finally meet her babies, but she also cried because she knew there was nothing she could do to protect them the same way she had when they were inside her belly. My mom has said the same thing - that being pregnant is wonderful because you always know where your child is, and you have full use of your arms and hands.

As Sam and I walked around Babies 'R Us yesterday, we discussed how once this kid is born, we're fully in charge of all the little things that need to be taken care of, whereas, while I'm pregnant, there's no need to do much of anything - that my body is taking the best care of him without me having to do much at all! I don't need to cut his fingernails, take his temperature, clean his tush, worry about his healing circumcision, clean his ears, wonder if his umbilical cord is infected or not, monitor his milestones, suction snot out of his nose, wipe eye crust away, or keep his feet warm. I don't have to worry that he's crying too much or not eating enough.

While I worry about so many other things while I can't see him, I am trying to embrace the fact that this is the easiest part of being a mom - just letting nature take its course while allowing me to try to sleep as much as I can and not have to worry about all those little tasks to ensure my child is clean, fed, healthy, and comfortable. SO, I'm going to try to relax in the next 6 weeks - before all those tasks begin. . . before I start truly worrying about how much tummy time he needs, whether to give a pacifier or not, if his shoes are fitting okay, if he's watching too much TV, if he's making the right friends, did he finish his homework, where did he learn such foul language, and which college is the best one for him... ahhhh! Okay, I'm getting carried away, but you get the point. Parenting is not going to be easy - no one has ever said that it would be. In fact, everyone constantly reminds us how hard it is. I know it will be. So, don't think I'm crazy when I say that I want my baby to be late - I want to be pregnant as long as possible so I can enjoy the next 6 weeks (or longer!!) to be the least worried I'll ever be!

The Sacrifice

I'm not really sure how to start this posting of collective thoughts that Sam and I discussed last night, so I'll just dive right in. I'm not really sure if "The Sacrifice" is the best title for this posting, either, but I'll just go with it for now. Here goes:

My body. It has become NOT my own. It has been taken over by the existence and needs of my unborn child. I am completely okay with this - and I'm glad that BBJ is growing, doing what he needs to stay healthy and strong, and getting all of his needs met within the cramped space that my body will allow him. I'm also entirely grateful and pleased that my body knows just what to do to grow, stretch, nurture, provide for, and cradle BBJ.

However, I'm going to make a few comments that seem like I'm going to be complaining. I want to preface these comments with the underlying, strong statement that I'm NOT complaining. I'm simply making a social commentary (as I like to do, right?) and some observations I've made as a pregnant woman that never would have occurred to me if I weren't pregnant and, in addition, have rarely been made (if ever) by other pregnant women I have known before this time in my life. So, just give me my soapbox for a few moments to make some statements that seem like I'm complaining. I recognize that they seem that way - but, I'll say once more that I LOVE being pregnant and am more than excited, extremely gracious, and beyond appreciative for the life growing inside me.

I miss having my body to myself. I'm fully aware that I'll probably miss bring pregnant and having my baby all to myself, knowing his every move, knowing how protected he is in the safest environment he'll ever know. But, I do miss having my body to myself. My favorite part of being pregnant is feeling BBJ move around. It's a constant source of reassurance to pause for a moment and feel his turns, tumbles, and twitches. But, some days, I feel him all.the.time! I can be sitting in a meeting to which I should be very attentive, but Baby is moving so non-stop that he's tickling my ribs or pushing my sides, and then I start to wonder if anyone else is seeing the acrobatics under my shirt. I will continue to feel my belly contort into weird shapes or become lopsided, and this makes concentrating a little difficult. I also worry about how my movements affect him and the rest of my body: feeling like I shouldn't run, get up too fast, jump, bend at the waist, bear down, lift anything too heavy, trip, etc.

My body is doing weird things these days. The waddle is in full swing. This is involuntary, and if you have ever been educated on pregnancy, this is not something I can help really. From a shifting pelvis to joints becoming looser, it's an inevitability that all pregnant women typically face. From constant restroom visits due to pressure on the bladder to larger "ladies" that are ready to feed my baby, my body is just different. My feet are beginning to swell, especially at the end of a long work day, and the heartburn has never been nice to me. I have to say, though, that I'm not experiencing (at least yet) the many other symptoms that so many of my pregnant (or previously pregnant) friends have reported. I sleep great (minus the get-up-and-pee every 2 hours that disrupts a perfect slumber), I have lots of energy, I have very few headaches, my weight gain has been slow and steady, I haven't gotten any stretch marks (keep your fingers crossed, please!!), and I still have an "innie." I know any and all of this can change at any minute, so I'm enjoying it while I can!

But, the overwhelming part of this whole pregnancy is the triumphant ending it will have. I'm not scared about having a baby; I'm thrilled! I'm not nervous about taking care of him; I've had lots of practice with much-younger siblings, daycare work, babysitting, nieces, nephews, and just being around kids all my life. What I am starting to get a little anxious about is the labor and delivery part of this pregnant thing. I think because of this anxiety, I start to get a little annoyed that I'm the one that has to do all of this work. Sam and I have had many conversations about this, especially as we have started our childbirth classes.

It's an anxiety that he can't really help me with. It's a feeling that's hard to describe without sounding like I'm resentful or upset about having to be the one to endure the pain and discomforts. Ask Sam and he'll tell you that I haven't really minded or complained about so many of the symptoms pregnancy has brought on. I've been mostly "okay" with the nausea, vomiting, fatigue, breast tenderness, swelling, weight gain, heartburn, Braxton Hicks, itchy belly, peeing, etc. I've been fine with all the doctor's appointments, tests, weigh-ins, blood work, etc. I've even been pretty even-tempered and have rarely had any hormonally-induced emotional outbursts. He would tell you that I'm the same pregnant as I was pre-pregnant. I've also handled the responsibility of keeping track of how active Baby is - knowing it's solely MY job to know if he's okay in there.

So, going through all of these changes, I've been fine. But, as I look towards the coming weeks and inevitable birth of this baby, I'm getting a little more panicked, and I'm feeling a little frustrated at what's coming. And, it's not just the pain of labor or of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of the size of a lemon (to be trite), it's the fear of no privacy and everyone staring at me, it's that I will have to recover, it's that I will be someone's buffet for the next X number of months.

Men around me have told me, "I think you're really over-thinking this!" which really pisses me off. Because, they have never had to consider the idea of labor and delivery and it's aftermath as a reality for themselves. Sure, they can say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with that!" or "Yeah, that sucks!" But they never really take on what that might be like - to be spread-eagle in front of a team of numerous people pushing something out of their body that will, within the same hour, begin munching on a tender part of your body.

There have been times when Sam has told me that he is jealous of me - that I get to feel BBJ all day, that I'm with him all the time, that I am bonding with him in a way that he can't right now. And, there are times when I feel badly that he can't get that experience. I wish he could. I also wish, however, that he could fully be aware of how terrifying the idea of labor and delivery is for me. He gets it, but there's really nothing he can do to take that fear & anxiety away. He'll be a great coach, and he's a great listener. But, it's just not the same as being freaked out like I am. We both worry about the baby, we both worry about me, we both have anxieties about what parenting is going to be like with sleepless nights and a changing lifestyle, we worry about finances and managing a family of three, and we both worry about what choices we make for our son. But, we SHARE those fears and empathize with each others' fears. What Sam can't truly help me with is the "sacrifice" my body has had to make so far and the "sacrifice" it is going to keep making for this baby - and any future children.

I know all you moms out there will tell me it's not a "sacrifice," or that if it is, that it's well worth it. And, I KNOW it will be - it already is well worth it. We love this boy so much already! But, it's at least worth mentioning in a long post like this, where we are all just being honest, that being pregnant is hard, being a mother is hard work, and our bodies will never be quite the same. It's worth mentioning that and being honest about our fears, our frustrations, and our loneliness in these feelings. Once I talk to other moms about this, they usually agree with me that it's an overwhelming feeling of being alone in this fear - a fear that their husbands can only try to imagine. No one knows how a labor and delivery will go - it's different for every woman, and it's different with every baby born to that woman. It's a fear of the unknown, the fear of something you've never experienced before. I'm excited about meeting my son; I'm excited about finally knowing how this pregnancy ends; I'm excited that I'm pregnant and that I, as a woman, have this unique, amazing opportunity! But, my body has gone through a lot - so forgive me if I'm a little overwhelmed and anxious about the finale that will be here in about 8 weeks!

What I Know About BBJ So Far

I don't know my son yet... no idea what his personality is like, how he'll react to certain things, if he really looks like the 3D sono pics in reality, who he'll take after, etc. But, I do know a few things about our Baby Boy J (BBJ for short - no, not his initials):

-He loves to reassure his mama! Just when I wonder if everything's going okay in there, he'll give me a little poke, roll, tumble, jab, or kick to reassure me. It's like he's a mind reader, knowing right at that moment that I need him to move! This is one of my favorite things about him - other than actually feeling him move. 9 times out of 10, he will move right after I say to him in my head, "You okay in there? Please move! Please?" And, then, he responds with a movement of some kind, to which I reply, "Thank you!!" I picture him saying, "I'm fine, Mom! Stop worrying!" followed by, "You're welcome!" He has impeccable manners and is very cooperative!

-His most active times (like many babies) are when I'm not active. Laying in bed, relaxing on the couch, sitting at my computer, etc. This is awesome during a faculty meeting or a conference where I'm doing a lot of listening and am bored! He's quite the entertainer!

-He's most active in the mornings from 9:30-11:00ish and in the evenings anywhere from 5:00ish to 7:00ish.

-When I talk, he stops moving. If I want Sam to feel him, I have to whisper or tap or do something where my vocal chords don't vibrate. He's such a great listener!

-He'll move when my hands are on my belly, but he often stops when Sam puts his hands on me to feel him. We've figured it's the warmth of Sam's hands that cause the difference because if he puts the back of his hand against my belly, then BBJ keeps moving. Pretty perceptive!

-He rarely moves after I eat. Most babies move after a meal due to increased sugar - so I've read. But, not my little one. Bananas are the only food that causes a slight increase in activity. ...tolerates his sugar well! :)

-When we play music for him through headphones on my belly, he only moves to songs I play often (lullabies I want him to be familiar with for later!). Otherwise, he just kicks the headphones once or twice. He knows his music!

-He's head down for now. He will switch from facing the left to facing the right, but in the past couple sonograms, he's maintained the head-down position. In two consecutive sonograms, he has been seen holding his feet. It's pretty cool to see his little hands wrapped around his little toes! He's also been seen both times with his hands up near his face - either hiding his face as he sleeps or covering his mouth. Both of these positions he could very well have inherited from his parents!

-Last week, at 28 weeks, he had peach fuzz on his head - with the exception of a little tuft of hair on the back of his head. At that time, he was weighing approximately 3 pounds, 3 ounces. He was measuring a few days ahead of schedule, and his leg & arm lengths put him in the 90th percentile for height (but a centimeter can make a huge difference at this point)! His belly was the smallest part of him - which means I need to eat more - but he's a little parasite and taking lots of nutrients from me! However, at almost 30 weeks this week, my appetite has significantly increased, so eating more should not be a problem! We basically have, at this point, a tall, skinny kid growing in there - not sure where either of those characteristics come from!! - but LOTS can change in the next 10 weeks!

So, I've never met him, but seemingly, I can tell you a lot about him already! It's going to be interesting to see if any of these bits of information stay the same when he's outside of his cozy cocoon! One thing I know for sure is that whoever he is, Sam & I already love him so much!

Comments from Another Mother

I found this great website months ago that allows pregnant women to track their pregnancy in days, to read up on how the baby should be growing, and to read comments from other women who are all due around the same time. I check in every few days to see how the women are doing and what they are experiencing. I'm a little bit of a voyeur, as I don't participate in the postings, but I like to keep up with the women as we "graduate" from one week to the next. It's neat to kind of get to know these ladies and watch them interact with each other. Some of them have had trying pregnancies, some of them ask for advice, some of them talk about their husbands or children, some of them talk about their doctors' appointments or advice they've gotten from their physicians. Early on, it was kind of scary to read as some of the women said goodbye to us with comments like, "My journey ends here," after a miscarriage. Sometimes, I had to make myself stop reading the posts for fear that what happened to these ladies would happen to me. Sometimes, I have felt comforted by their stories, and other times I just enjoy a good laugh about a funny event that they shared.

One woman recently posted a lengthy list of rules that has caught the attention of all the ladies. I thought I'd include it here as a tribute to all moms and moms-to-be. Only one disclaimer: I don't necessarily agree with every single item listed, nor do I experience everything that she lists.

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice.
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is 'Congratulations!' with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an a$$.
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase 'my baby'.
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in #2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it.
4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about to pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is 'You look fabulous!'.
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents.
8) Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to 'help out'. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
Sincerely,
Pregnant woman

Hmmm... I have mixed opinions about the second half of this posting. I mean, who wouldn't love as much help as they could get? But, on the other hand, I can see why some women would feel annoyed if their homes were being invaded without requesting help. This person mentions on the message board that she has not spoken to her mother-in-law in a couple of years. Apparently, it must have been a pretty horrible situation that she went through with an earlier pregnancy, as you can hear her anger and disapproval. I still found it interesting to read, as I've heard many women experience such invasion of privacy and frustration with family and friends. Again, I'm not saying I've been through this - although I find relief in posting rule #4, 5, and 6! :) I will say, also, that I have an amazing mother and mother-in-law who are quite helpful, and I welcome their help (and some of their advice) and adoring coos for my baby. What do you all think about the woman's post?

You Know You're Pregnant When. . .

• You wake up at 3:30am on a work night and think, "Ugh, it's only 3:30... I'm starving. I can't wait 2 and a half hours to eat!" rather than, "Yea, 2 and a half more hours to sleep!" (I actually had a detailed conversation with myself between my "pregnant" self and my "normal" self... the former saying, "Get up and EAT!!" and the latter saying, "Screw that, go back to sleep!")
• You think you drop something (a cut piece of fruit or a small dribble of cereal, for example) on the floor, but wait... no, it's on your shirt, stuck on your protruding belly. Yea! You don't have to bend down to pick it up!
  
• You just peed, and you wonder how it's already time to go back to the restroom!
• It's just easier to waddle.
• Every other person asks, "How are you feeling?" and actually WANTS to know. They will actually stop for an answer!
  
• Most every person you talk to, at some point, casts eyes on your belly during conversation, trying to catch an unnoticed peek at your bump, even if it's not quite there yet! It reminds me of my mom's observation that people try to sneak a glimpse of her chest when she tells them she had breast cancer. Human nature, I know, but just something I've noticed to be different now that I'm pregnant. My belly (and maybe ever-growing bust size) has taken center stage past my eyes/face.
• Your brain really does lose it's power. I pride myself on the ability to use a wide variety of words. I believe I have a rather vast vocabulary and enjoy using words. Since being pregnant, even early on, I have noticed the inability to express words that are on the tip of my tongue, that I can see in my head but cannot articulate. The word "grasp," for example, was one I was trying to get out of my mouth one day, and all I could do was make a claw! I said, "Clasp... crasp," knowing I had a word for what I wanted to say, but it would not make it's way out of my brain and into my mouth!
• You find yourself wanting to buy every baby book to read up on what you really probably already know about babies. You just want to be prepared, so you keep buying, and you keep reading - determined to start parenthood with a vast artillery of knowledge. . . because even if, like me, you've been around infants since you were 9 years old, worked as a camp counselor for two year olds for years, worked throughout college with infants at a daycare, took every child development class you could in college, and have a master's degree in educational psychology, you just might learn one more thing that could make you a better parent and maybe even save your baby's life one day, right?
  
• You feel the little booger moving around, and you try really hard to hold back a grin in the middle of a meeting. You have a little secret that you want to shout to the world, "I feel my baby!!" but that would be highly inappropriate at that professional meeting.
• You pull into the garage, parking your car right next to your husband's car, the same place where you always have, but all of a sudden - you cannot get your belly to slide past your door to actually exit the car. No matter how hard you try to "suck in," your belly just doesn't go anywhere to give you more space! We've had to actually rearrange how we park our cars in the garage in order for me to be able to open my car door wide enough to let me in and out of the car when Sam's car is in the garage with mine. You also know you're pregnant when stepping into and out of your SUV requires time, patience, and strategy.
• You give up on trying to suck it in altogether. It ain't happenin'!
• You can't see your "nether-regions" which makes... well, never mind, enough said.
  
• Your boobs are one size before going to sleep and another size the next morning - at least it seems that way. You start to think, "What's the point in buying a new bra? I'm going to have to buy another one in a few weeks."
  

I'm sure there will be more items to add to this list in the coming months, but I thought I'd go ahead and get it started. As I wind down my second trimester, I lean in a little nervously to the third trimester wondering what's coming, knowing what's coming, and dreading what's coming! But, I welcome it, as we know that the most important thing coming is my baby boy, which will make any and all uncomfortable third trimester symptoms completely worth it!

What's In a Name? . . . Part 2

Remember this post? Quite the controversy at the time... whether or not to change my last name to Sam's. And, of course, I decided to keep my own last name even though I was marrying a man I loved. It seemed to be a huge issue to many people around me, and everyone had/has their own opinions. Well, a year and (almost) half later, I'm content in my decision and glad I stuck to what I wanted/needed/believed. It really hasn't been a problem, and Sam and I have dealt appropriately to the name mix-ups we both get without holding a grudge or being unreasonable. One of my many points in that post was that a name is important - it's who you are, it sets up your identity, and it becomes a part of you. I had the option (and still do, by the way) of giving up my last name to become something new and different from before. I chose not to because I felt attached to my own given name - even if it's not an amazing name.

So, why bring all this up again? Well, because names have been the topic of discussion around my house (and all the homes of Baby Boy's grandparents) for the past few weeks. We need to find a name for our son, and it has not been an easy task! Recognizing how I feel about names in general certainly places a lot of pressure on me (and therefore us) to feel confident that we've selected the perfect name for Little Man. Sam and I both believe that names give individuals the right to be a certain way - a script, if you will, of how an individual's life can play out. For instance, Lowell has a totally different life with completely different hobbies, likes, dislikes, friends, talents, etc. than that of Jagger. Right?? I mean, can't you just see Lowell reading in the middle of class completely engrossed in a historical fiction novel? And, there's Jagger over there with his leather jacket and shabby, long hair too good for the girls who go weak at the knees for him. So, we both put a lot of thought into what we want our baby's life to be like. Maybe we're crazy, but I just don't see Frank as the star quarterback or Tony as the all-A, star student.

I also seem to have a lot of rules about the names we choose. I don't want our son to be known as his initials, so I try not to think of names that could be easily transitioned into them (TJ, CJ, DJ). Sam seems to think this won't happen if we don't let it, but he's not the one who works with kids everyday - kids who like to reinvent themselves by changing their names or the classmates who make plays on names all the time - the kids who love it when the substitute gets a kids name wrong, and from that moment on little "Eston" becomes "Easton" for the rest of his life.

Another rule, he'll need a playful nickname. No, I'm not talking about the kid who goes by his middle name (that's another rule...he should go by his given first name). I'm talking about the kind of nickname that allows him to know he's loved. Amber is easily, playfully nicknamed "Am" - which I actually really like. It tells me that a person finally feels close enough to me to abbreviate my name in a loving way. Cherie is "Cher," and Robyn is "Rob." And, then there are those little kid names that just come about after a few years - like my nephew, Caden, became "Caders" over the years. My niece, Mara, became "Mar." I just want my baby to have that experience where he knows someone is calling his name affectionately. It's a playful, fun, loving way to show you are close to someone. Again, just one of my hang-ups about names.

I'd love to find a name that is not easily turned into a tease, either. Of course, kids are going to be creative and cruel, so there's no way around that one. Matthew becomes "Matth-pew" or Joseph becomes "Grosseph," and those are popular, nice names! I'm sure little Matthew and Joseph are cute kids, too! You just don't know how their taunting peers will treat them if they aren't loved by all for whatever idiosyncrasies they have. And, even if they are the most perfect little Matthew or Joseph, loved by all - even their best friends will come up with something that irritates them, right?

So, getting back to my point - this whole being in charge of picking someone else's name - it's tricky and beyond difficult. Honestly, Sam and I have a couple names that we like - one in particular that we have always wanted for our little boy. You know, on the phone as a dating couple, we talked about our kids and their names and wondered what their personalities would be like. But now that the reality is upon us of this little creature being in our lives - we're not so sure who he's supposed to be!

There's two really big problems being the ones to name this kiddo.
-One: We don't know him yet!
-Two: We have never had to make a decision for someone else's life!
I mean, really, other than deciding to get married, there's been no other decision that impacted someone else's life to this magnitude. And, even the marriage was a joint decision that still impacted me directly - but not only me!

True that the kid can change his name if he hates it, but what parent wants to put his/her kid through that? What a horrible identity issue he'll have! Right?!?

So, what's in a name? Sheesh.... a lot! There's a lot riding on this decision. I know we'll make the right one in the end, and hopefully we'll come to an agreement on it. Luckily, we do seem to have the same taste in names, so I think we will agree on one. I just hope it's sooner than later so I can just get used to knowing who's inside my growing belly! It's weird to think that one day I'll say something like, "When I was pregnant with (insert baby's name here), ..." and talk about him as if I always knew who he was, because right now, I have no idea!

The Great Ice of '11

Last year at this time, Sam kept referring to the weather as the "Great Snow of '10" because we hadn't seen that much snow in our area in years, and the snow just kept coming and going every couple of weeks throughout the winter. It was the most beautiful snow - coating the tiniest of tree limbs and making our neighborhood such a winter wonderland. We only missed one day of work last year - and it happened to be on a staff development day, so only the staff in the district had to make-up those hours. Snow is way different than ice, though, and this year, we've gotten ICE. So, we're calling this year's winter weather the "Great Ice of '11." (And, you have to say it with a deep, deliberate voice to make it sound as important as it is!)

So far, we've missed four school days in a row due to road conditions (and I suspect there may be some heating and power costs taken into consideration when deciding to cancel school or not given the extremely low temperatures). While I hate that we have to make up these days later on - during a hectic late spring as children are losing their minds, parents are losing their minds, and therefore teachers are losing their minds - I am trying to make the most of being stuck at home:

-Day 1: I slept in. I napped throughout the day. I did not get out of my pajamas except to shower. I spent a lot of time online looking up baby names. I made lists of things I needed to do once I got back to my office. I talked to my sister on the phone for a while - which happens too little! When Sam got home from work (yes, he had to go in), I watched him try to get up the driveway to the garage over and over, trying not to laugh too much. (Finally, he put sand down on his side of the driveway to make his way up, which worked wonderfully!) I found out there was no school for the next day, getting slightly upset that we'll have to make up that day after what is technically the last day of school. I started thinking this baby might be here before school's out. We made dinner and had some deep, amazing discussions before watching some TV. Then, we made s'mores!

-Day 2: Sam found out he didn't have to go in to work because the office power was out. Yea! We had a great day together... we nested a little and cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and started making room for Baby. We now know where bottles, bowls, etc will go once he's here! We sat in front of the amazing fire that Sam built. Sam did a little bit of work, while I watched some TV. Then, we did a little research as we started thinking about what we want to register for and buy for Little Man. I talked to my best friend, who told me she accepted a new job that starts next week! Again, I stayed in my pj's all day. I did shower, but once I knew school was called off the next day, I refused to dry my hair. That was actually more of a treat than most of you will ever know! I talked to my dad (an OB/GYN) who reassured me that Baby will not, in fact, fall out of me or open my cervix from all the pounding I'm feeling inside. When I told him that I feel like I just don't understand what all is happening in there because it would seem that the baby moving so powerfully would make my uterus contract or something, he made me feel so reassured when he said, "I've been doing this for 35 years, and I still don't understand that!" He said everything I'm feeling is completely normal for this stage of pregnancy, and that made Sam and me feel awesome! In fact, what was even better - while I was talking to my best friend in Houston about our pregnancies, Sam felt the baby move for the first time! It was amazing!

-Day 3: (and the first day of Week 22!) Sam slept in just a little, then he got up to go to the office... leaving me at home alone, totally bummed after our fun day together on Day 2! :( So sad - being completely isolated just the two of us with no plans, no obligations, and no where to go - it kind of felt like a mini-moon all over again! We had even commented that it's a good thing we actually really LIKE each other and don't get sick of each other! We also realize it's one of the rare last times we would have weekdays off without a baby in the mix... so we're just soaking it up for now. Before he left for work, he excitedly brought me the cup of water-turned-ice that he had set outside last night for his little science experiment. He was like a little kid, excited that he had "made ice" in a plastic cup overnight...all grinning and proud of himself. The rest of the day was spent trying to find things to occupy my mind & time: making mac 'n cheese to go with my orange for lunch (yes, it's weird... no big cravings at this point, but I notice that I coincidentally totally enjoy orange-colored foods), watching Oprah, reading friends' blogs, talking to my mom, talking to my mother-in-law, ordering childcare books on Amazon, making a grocery list, and ultimately, waiting to see if school would be canceled for a fourth day in a row. Of course, my school district took its sweet time in announcing it, but lo and behold: School's Canceled! Sam stopped at the grocery store on his way home, we ate dinner, watched our Thursday night shows, and then began downloading some Beatles lullaby iTunes for Baby J's playlist! Around midnight, it started snowing again, so we stood in the dining room looking out the window watching the beautiful snowfall. Then, it was bedtime!

-Day 4: Around 6AM, Baby Boy must have been excited for another snow day because he started "jumping" up and down. This kept me up, and therefore Sam, until we all fell back to sleep watching the news. Due to the accumulation of snow, Sam got to work from home again! Yahoo! I slept in before getting on the treadmill for a bit - desperately in need of some activity! Next, Sam and I headed out to play in the 6+ inches of snow! Like big kids, we wrote our names in the snow, and we might have written a few possible baby names in the snow as well. :) You won't find those pictures here, though! We also were mesmerized as we caught snowflakes and had such an epiphany: snowflakes really do look like snowflakes! They are so beautifully crafted. We took a few pictures of them, you'll see one below that Sam took of my hair with perfect little snowflakes! Anyway, frozen fingered, we headed back in for hot chocolate and some lunch. Then, it was time to get out the old bread machine! We decided to make some home-made cinnamon rolls. Although they took a long time to make (which we certainly had plenty of time for!), we thoroughly enjoyed them at the end of the evening! By the time we finished these sweet treats, our "snow day" had officially ended. Sam touched up Baby Boy's Bachelor Pad, and I posted this entry! The only thing left to do this evening is let Baby Boy listen to our playlist we started last night - for his first official jam session - or music appreciation lesson, whichever you want to call it! Here are some pics from Day 4:

And, this last snow picture I included just for Sam - he wrote the "numbers" from Lost - gee, how surprising!

Cinnamon Roll Dough

Ready to go in the oven

And, then, ready to be ICEd!

What a "Great Ice of '11" - laying low and having lots of "me" time, no make-up for about a week, not having to dry my hair!, hot chocolate, catching up with friends and family on the phone, nesting, spending time with Sam, sleeping in, staying in comfy pjs, and playing in the snow! Even when so many of us in my area have been itching to get out of the house, it's been nice to just stop and relax! Here's to the "Great Ice of '11" and an extra "spring" break this semester!