And Another Year Makes SEVEN: Banner's Newsletter

Dear Banner,
I vividly remember when you were 2, 3, and 4 weeks old - in the throes of early motherhood when I had not a CLUE what I was doing, when life was flipped upside down and backwards all at the same time. Night was day; day was night. What I used to do fast became slow and laborious with a new little guy in our lives. Leaving the house took longer than the trip out. And worry was taken to a whole new level. My brain was always on and completely exhausted, my body hurt, my mind raced, and you were just ... you. In some ways, things are very much the same as that time: life with you is always new, and you definitely keep my mind busy with answering questions, worrying about you still, and trying to figure out parenting with you, my firstborn. I've come to learn that this will never change.

One of the greatest things that is different from that time, though, is time itself. I remember wishing away the days until you were 6, 7, 8-weeks old and then 4-, 5-, 6-months-old. That's when I was told reflux would get better. That's when I was told crying would subside. That's when I was told the risk of SIDS would greatly diminish. And time seemed to creep by, as my frustration and anxiety continued while all the questions and "experiments" never seemed to have an ending or conclusions. Yet, now, time seems to speed up and won't slow no matter how much I want it to. Older women always told me to cherish those early days, as they would fly all too quickly. They were right in some ways and wrong in others. I do NOT miss the spit-up and the mid-night wakings and the not knowing what was wrong with my crying infant. But, I do miss the snuggles and the firsts. Those were the days when I learned to become not only A mom, but YOUR mom. I do cherish that. Learning you was hard because I didn't trust myself, and I put too much time and energy into figuring you out, when I just needed to BE with you. Your brothers helped me learn some of these lessons, too, as I got more and more relaxed with each of them. They probably also made me a better mom to YOU, because I learned not to sweat the small stuff and that you would turn out just fine if I would just BE with you.

At SEVEN years old, we are still very much on a journey of discovering who you are and what you need, but you have the ability now to share and talk and let us know what's going on in your head. You are beyond inquisitive. Your questions never stop. You ask the most amazing questions. Your head is always thinking of a gazillion things, and you are not at all afraid to ask about something that's puzzling you. Often times, your questions center around things that are most anxiety-provoking for you: bad guys, tornadoes, storms, fires. Other times, you ask about homelessness, the universe, death, illness, Nazis, wars. Recently, I posted this random assortment of questions you had asked within 24 hours: "Are all planets round? What does conquer mean? Are worm holes real? Do people torture people, and what does that mean to torture someone? Are there really such things as black holes? Can you break a muscle? Is it rare to get growing pains as a grown up? When the world ends, will all galaxies disappear? If we have to brush our teeth to keep them clean, how do the bones inside our bodies get clean? Did you ask all these kinds of questions as a kid?"

I bet I did, but not to the level of intelligence that you seem to have! You're definitely a gifted thinker. You've been in the PACE program for over a year now, and you excel at academics. You have awesome ideas and just seem to "get" the world of literature, math, social studies, and science like I never did so early on. I love that you love to learn. You like to research whatever you are into, and you want answers to everything! You are not shy at the library - to ask the librarians about helping you find books about the Titanic sinking, about World War II, about the newest I Survived... books. It's hard to know how to guide you when I'm just not sure how much you need to know about some of these topics at only first grade! Your reading level and curiosity are far beyond your emotional ability to let it live in your head at this early age, so I grapple with how to handle your quest for understanding of these complex topics. 

It's been hard to remember this year that you were only 6 years old. Your emotional needs and social immaturity can sometimes surprise us - and we have to remind ourselves that you are only 6 - now 7 - and perhaps we're are expecting too much of you. But, cognitively and verbally, you are so advanced that we forget sometimes you need to be explicitly taught how to respond to others, why certain rules apply, how to interact more kindly with your brothers. Most of the issues we experience and are working on are greatly due to ADHD, a diagnosis we confirmed back in August. The story leading to that diagnosis is a whole other post I've been working on, but for now, I'll just say it's something I always suspected, and when you started saying pretty insightful yet concerning things about your own thinking and functioning, we decided to pursue further testing. You took the news of your diagnosis exceptionally well, although the conversation at Cici's was quite humorous given that Daddy probably has ADHD as well! I think I was the only one "there" that night! The discussion itself proved how very real your diagnosis is! But, once we started reading books about kids with ADHD and getting you some help, you realized what you were experiencing isn't uncommon for kids with ADHD and that you aren't alone.

Deciding what to DO about the ADHD has been a complicated part of our year. Do we medicate? Do we trust the feedback - or lack thereof - from teachers? Do we need to do a sleep study too? Do we think the medication is working? Do we take you off of it when you aren't eating and are losing weight? Does the medication really help at all or are we imagining things? What needs to change at home to accommodate your needs? We know this journey dealing with ADHD is not going to be easy, and it's going to continue to throw all of us some curve balls, but as I told you the night we discussed your diagnosis, you are not alone and we are here to do whatever we can to help you.

So, you've been visiting with a psychologist, as have we. You are really working on controlling your impulsivity, and we are really working on controlling our frustrations. We are focusing on redirecting you and teaching you better ways of responding to others. We are constantly working on remembering that you have a true, real medical disability, even if it is so very invisible. It plays tricks on us, Banner, because we see you as a highly functioning kid with such great skills in so many ways. You are one cool, funny, sweet, smart, caring, compassionate, thoughtful kid! It's hard to remember not to yell at you when you are more interested in the clouds during a soccer game as the ball is approaching you. It's hard not to rush you in the morning when we have asked no less than 10 times to brush your teeth already - when you are busy fiddling with any random crumb or knick-knack you find! It's hard not to feel an intense annoyance when homework that should take you 10 minutes takes an hour because you write one letter and then forget what you were writing or start examining the eraser or pick at the pencil lead. Staying on topic, staying on task, finishing a chore, completing a request can be a big challenge for you. You'll often forget what we asked or think you did it, but you didn't. Sometimes you twist what you heard - either purposefully or not. You say things without thinking of how it will affect others - mostly towards Quinn, but sometimes friends. You once told me  in a loud voice while your play date was in the room that you wished your friend would go away to the middle of the ocean and never come back. The social aspect of this disorder is huge, and it cannot be overlooked simply because you don't have to work hard in school. 

Like I said before, you are currently doing very well in school. You don't really have to pay much attention at this point, which is why I worry about you. You have work pile up sometimes, because you aren't finishing what you need to. You miss out on other activities because you didn't finish the work. And, one day the material will get more challenging, and it won't come as easy for you. You will need to work hard and pay attention. So, we march on - trying to help you figure out what will work. But, in the meantime, you are a charming little thing who can weasel his way out of trouble, who will bring me notes home from school that say, "I love you, Mom!" who will draw a rainbow and give it to me when you get home from school, who will want to spend any free time with cousins or at Grandma's house, who will show appreciation and gratitude at the most random moments. (Just a couple weeks ago, you climbed in my bed at 11:15pm and said, "Mommy, do you know what I like more than any gift I get each year on my birthday? A party. Thanks for letting me have a party every year."

And, speaking of party... we celebrated your big day this past Friday. It was a great time and the easiest party I've ever planned! We went to Free Play for your video game themed party, complete with the Nintendo control cake of your choosing. There's nothing you like more than free screen time. Lately, you are into Minecraft, Lego Dimensions, and you sneak Roblox if I'm not watching you (I don't like that game and that you can chat with others we don't know). You could watch other gamers on YouTube all day if I'd let you - which I don't! In fact, this summer Daddy and I have banned hand-held screens (no iPhones, no iPads), and you have to earn your Xbox time with various chores we have added to a chart for you. You have done VERY well with this system so far. You are motivated to complete these tasks (which includes 20 minutes of reading/handwriting each day, clearing the kitchen table, putting shoes away, getting dressed and ready for the day, taking care of your "zone" each day, and completing two randomly selected chore wheel chores). You and Quinn are working hard to get your free time, and so far we are all winning!

Quinn is your buddy and worst enemy rolled into one. He gets on your nerves faster than anyone on the planet, yet he is always a great play mate and helper when you allow it. That boy is so adoring of you, and he just wants your attention. You are just so damn picky about when you give it to him. It's usually all about what is convenient for you. If he can help you find Lego pieces during a play set assembly, he is your guy. But, the minute he wants to help you actually assemble, he is banned from the table as quickly as he was invited. He started sleeping in your bed while Daddy was campaigning this year for US Congress. It was easier for me to put you two to bed together, so we started that and it's continued on because you LOVE having a room mate in there with you. But, if he gets on your side of the bed or won't stop talking, you HATE having him in there. You won't let him pick the song in the car or choose which show to watch or even hold the darn remote... but the minute you need to go upstairs to get something, he's your best pal and you need him to come with you (because you hate going anywhere by yourself, especially upstairs). If he needs you to come with him, forget it. He's on his own. If he went to a party and got a favor, you cry when he won't share... until he does. If YOU go to a party and get a favor, there will be NO sharing whatsoever and he will cry the rest of the afternoon. It's all typical sibling stuff, but man is it draining!

You speak baby-talk to Knox, even though we've asked you not to many times. But, you see him as a creature to help and still celebrate his successes. You pretty much adore him and he adores you. Yet, if he takes your things or won't leave you alone when you are playing a game or watching a show, you are quick to yell at him. "No, Knox!" I'm used to hearing you demand. Usually he is easy to redirect, but you just don't know how much those two little brothers of yours want your undivided attention.

I'm the same as them, Banner. I want your undivided attention. It's hard to get sometimes, but it's true. You are amazing. When we get time together where you are just IN it with me, we thrive. It's when the other minutia of the day gets in the way that the chaos ensues. My most favorite times with you are on our special dates (like Six Flags or Thunderbird skating) or at the very end of the day when you are going to sleep and those sweet thoughts start unrolling. We get to hold hands and just be. We get to snuggle and sing and think of the happiest thoughts. We get to think about whether Fontina will come that night if you've lost a tooth (you're up to 6 gone right now and one loose one up top). We send silly text messages to Grandma or Aunt Kira or ask Siri silly questions. You tell me about someone who bothered you or what you're most looking forward to the next day. You reveal what questions are on your mind or what you are worried about. It's in those moments that we reconnect and get to remember that what's really important is not how many times I asked you to put your shoes away or how long we argued over your handwriting; it's that we are in the moment together, paying attention to each other, loving our time together and knowing we can trust each other to always be there. I just want to BE with you. I have always longed to just BE with you. And when I look back at those early weeks of your life, sometimes I wish I could have a do-over. I would go back and do it right, do it better. I say that with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face because I truly wish I could give us both a better start early on. Yet, I know we don't get a do-over. So, I want to make every day with you right the first time. Forgive me, though, my sweet Angel Baby. Every day I'm learning with you, and I'm doing the best I can.

Last night, you spiked a high fever. Yes, you got sick on your birthday after an early morning soccer game, a donut breakfast, a day at the park downtown with a food truck lunch and a snow cone to top it off, a visit to the museum, and then Landry's party at the splash park. You were lethargic and hot and declining cupcakes! You had 103.2 fever, the highest you've ever had. And, thus, worrying began. Some things will never change. No matter where you are, what you do, who you're with, how old you get... I will worry about you. That's my job and my honor - to be the one who will always worry about you. Seven years later, and I still wish I had all the answers, still wish I knew the exact thing to say or do. . . just wish time would slow down for all of that to happen!

Banner Boone, I love you more than you will ever know. And even though you will argue that you love me more, it certainly just can't be possible. I have loved being your mommy, and I'm grateful for this date, June 9th, that brought you to me and made me your mommy. I wish you a very happy birthday! I hope you feel better soon so you can get on with the start of your 8th year with health, happiness, laughter, learning, strength, friendships, fun, and lots of love!

Happy 7th Birthday, Angel Baby!
I love you!
Forever & Always,
Mommy

Jillian, Josie, & Evie

Landon, Smith, Banner, Alex

Michelle

We read your "I Believe" before you went to sleep.
I tucked you in and whispered, "I will always love you,  my six-year-old."

 

I snapped this picture of you - your first night as a 7-year-old.
You can see you are sweating, trying to break that fever. 😟

Favorite 7th Year Memories: Banner

-Our zoo date - the Kona Ice truck, the bees, the fear, the running

-After camp one day (2017), you told me it's bad to put up your middle finger by itself. You said, "Never do that!" I asked who you who you heard that from, and you said Teddy. I asked what it means, and you said, "I have no idea, but it's really bad and someone might tell on you!"

-The night Knox wore a Darth Vader two-piece pajama set for the first time, you said, "He's a real boy. He looks like one of us!"

-"Do you know that f-u-c-k spells a bad word? It means you don't like God. And you should never say, 'What the fuck!?' because that means double you don't like God." (November)

-Walking along the chain link fence and hugs at the end as you walk home from school

-When you helped Knox at Yesterland Farm on his first ride even though you wanted to ride the roller coaster again

-Dancing on New Year's Eve to our own countdown

-Keeping track of how much I owe you at your soccer games. Our plan was you'd earn 50 cents every time you made purposeful contact with the ball and actual dollars when you scored. The face you made when you actually scored a goal! $5!!!!

-Our date with Daddy to Medieval Times (on Break the Fast evening of Yom Kippur). "GO RED KNIGHT!!" Our Knight won, and we had so much fun cheering him on!

-Helping in your class for the Winter Break party in Mrs. Marks' class.

-The log ride and Roaring Rapids at Six Flags a few weeks ago.

-The picture day you insisted on wearing a coat and tie - with Daddy's Batman tie clip. I thought I'd have to talk you into wearing nice clothes - not talk you OUT of wearing formal clothes!!

First Last Day of School: Knox

Dear Knox,
Today was your last day of your very first year of school. As a teacher and a counselor, obviously education is important to me, so I want to reflect on all that you've learned this year before it slips away from my memory of you at this exact time. When we started the year, I felt the same way I did when each of your brothers began their first year of school. I was anxious for you to begin, to head out into the world away from the familiar faces you'd seen every single day since the day you were born. If you weren't with Daddy or me, you were with Grandma or BeeBee (or Aunt Kira or NaNa or Aunt Gayle). Starting school meant you'd be in a brand new place with new people to know and rely on. We were so fortunate to have caretakers jump at the chance to help us with your first year and a half so you never had to go to a daycare or have a babysitter you didn't know. You bonded with BeeBee and Grandma so well, and you are still very close with each of them since you got such special time with them as an infant - and even this year when they'd pick you up from school.

What upset me more than anything was that I would miss your first day of school. I had to work that day, and looking back, I realize that was a mistake for me. It was completely avoidable in hindsight, and I promise I won't let that happen again. I love that I have a job that allows me time to be with you boys on those important days, and the fact that I missed yours makes me sad. In all honesty, I was so sure you'd be okay given how very excited you would be at taking Quinn and Banner to camp last summer and taking Quinn to school the whole year before that. You'd want to stay and play with toys as soon as you were up and walking. I can see you now - in your pajamas you'd drag your footsies behind your unzipped sleep clothes (ready for nap when we would drive right back home around 9:00 after leaving Quinn at school). When it was finally your turn to stay at school, I thought you'd be fine. Daddy took you that morning, and he said it was not easy for either of you. The next several weeks were rough at drop-off. You attended school only on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, so there wasn't a whole lot of consistency in your week. Wednesdays were with Grandma until January, when we added that third morning to your school schedule.

Luckily, it didn't take until January for you to feel more comfortable at drop-off. You were crying less and less, and eventually, by October-ish, you were happy at school and did much better for Daddy at drop-off. First semester was also hard for me because I was never the one to pick you up. I got all my news and updates about how you were doing from BeeBee, Grandma, and Daddy, and I never really got to see you in your classroom. When we added Wednesdays (my half-day at work), I was able to be the one to pick you up, and I LOVED being able to see you quietly reading on the carpet or playing with a friend or being silly with a toy or having your diaper changed or listening to a story... I'd sneak up so you couldn't see me just yet, and I'd watch you - so happy. Then, you'd notice I was there, and you'd shout, "Mommy!!!" More recently, you've been saying, "MY Mommy!!! Mommy's heyah!" You light up and jump up and down and run to me - ready go give a big hug.

Throughout the year, you've grown in so many ways - physically of course, yes. But, socially you've done so well. One of your teachers told me the other day, "I don't think he's ever done anything wrong. I've never had to get on to him about anything." Another teacher said, "He has the BEST personality!" and another said, "His facial expressions are awesome!" You are Mr. Social in that classroom, and I love that you have made friends and play nicely with them! You've also grown so close with your teachers, and I'm excited that you'll be able to stay with those teachers both this summer at camp and next school year when they move up to the TWOS class with you! You've grown especially close to Ms. Hani. She adores you so, and you are quite in love with her. There have been MANY, MANY times throughout the year when you will come up to me saying, "Hani, Hani!" then realize what you're saying and change it to "Mommy, Mommy!" I actually like this; it tells me you trust her and rely on her help when you need it. It makes my heart happy to know you feel safe and cared for when away from us.

You're still weary of change and do not want to go to school on days when I drop-off. Since it's not in your schema to have me be the one to take you, you do not like to separate from me. Even last night, at your celebration event, we were instructed to take students to their regular classroom before your presentation. You immediately started crying - because I was the one taking you AND because it was the evening. It was so not your routine, so you were not having it. That only made matters worse when it was time to sing in front of the large audience. You immediately cried (as you did at the Mother's Day performance), and we held hands through the song to help you. I don't blame you - I wouldn't want all those eyes on me either (ironically, thanks to your meltdown, you and I had eyes on both of us)! But there have been a couple of days - today included, when I got to take you to school through carpool, and you proved Daddy right that you happily go in the building with Quinn and a teacher while waving goodbye. My favorite was over my spring break when I got to take you and Quinn, and as you got out of the car, you waved to me, "Bye Mommy! Bye!!"

You are one perfect Knox. You do you so well, and I love that you have grown into such a confident little boy as you learn to be a student and "play school" so well. I'm grateful to your teachers for being there for both of us this school year, for guiding you and watching you and taking care of our boy when we are away! I'm grateful to your little buddies at school who seem to respect you and you them. I'm glad you and Quinn have each other at school. I'm glad you love learning! Keep doing it, my sweet Knox Morgan. Here's to many more amazing years in school - each one wrapped up with smiles, reflection, and appreciation.

I love you, Baby Love!
Love,
Mommy

Politics, as Usual

Tuesday night was the disappointing conclusion of a year's worth of campaigning. While Sam didn't announce his candidacy for the Democratic primary for US Congress until July, we began discussions about this specific position in mid-March 2017. By May, we had pretty much made the decision that it was a good one and spent June preparing to announce the candidacy on July 5th. His campaign team grew and grew, and volunteers started lining up. It was a road full of ups and downs, a long journey of learning and figuring out what this whole public office might really mean. It meant a lot of time away from home, a significant amount of time away from Sam's typical work demands which meant a lot of time NOT given to clients and billable hours, a great deal of "call time" where he would make calls to any and every person he knew trying to get their financial support to run his campaign, weekends spent block walking or phone banking to reach out to voters, and a lot of preparation for candidate forums, "debates" (no one actually ever disagreed with each other!), and speaking engagements. For me personally, his candidacy meant a lot of censoring impulsive reactions to any negativity.

For instance, Sam asked me to join a few different Facebook groups to be able to share his posts with various groups. From time to time, the (mostly) women in the groups were exceptionally rude and negative. They only wanted their candidate to win - even though every candidate in his race seemed to feel passionately the same about every issue raised. Running against other Democrats seemed difficult because fundamentally we all believe the same things and have the same ideas for what needs to change at the federal level. Women would respond with such comments like, "Why would I vote for a man when a qualified woman is running?" I was asked (not by Sam, by the way) not to react to such comments, which went against everything I felt inside, because my immediate (and not-so-immediate) response is, "How dare you say something so sexist. Can you imagine a man saying, 'Why would I vote for a woman when a qualified man is running?' How truly anti-feminist." As a mother of three boys, my job is also to allow them equal opportunity to be heard, seen, and valued. Just because they don't have vaginas doesn't mean they are less than. I've been a feminist as long as I can remember, and I raise my sons to be feminists, too. This comment goes against what feminism preaches - equality for both sexes - not simply the promotion of women.  I've been told this is the year of the woman. Great! I am all for more women in government and in positions of power and decision-making. But, it's not time to completely disregard men or treat them as women have been treated for centuries. It's not an "eye for an eye" mentality, it's not about punishing men, and it's not about swinging the pendulum to the complete opposite side where men become undeserving. It's about leveling this unequal playing field but without putting one sex ahead of the other.

Also, Sam's candidacy meant putting our family in a public arena, where our privacy was sacrificed a great deal. Now that the campaign is over, I can share that we had a couple threatening comments made on a YouTube posting. It was quite scary and disturbing, and as a mother, it was difficult to not demand my husband drop out of the campaign altogether. Remarks using words like "murder in the cradle" and "the whole family should hang" were not easy to read and let go of. My own mom continued to check in on us during that hectic week of the remarks we reported to the police and the ADL for the hateful speech by a person with a swastika emblem in his profile picture.

Another problem we faced was the response (or lack of response) from family and friends. Some family members flat out said they won't support Sam and were shocked that Sam would even call for a donation. Of course, that was right in the beginning of the campaign, when Sam was just getting his feet wet and trying out his newfound "call time" skills. How discouraging this was, to get such an ugly reaction from people in my family. My heart broke for Sam, knowing how hurt he was by these few people. Then, there are the friends who either never responded to his calls, never lifted a finger to help block walk or phone bank or attend an event or donate a penny. There were times we were feeling like, "What the hell are we doing thinking we can motivate complete strangers if we can't even motivate our friends to do a damn thing!?" These times helped us see who true friends are and aren't, and unfortunately some ties have been strained. I always tried to look at it in a different way. Perhaps these friends disagree with Sam's politics. Perhaps they are Republicans and don't know how to tell you; Lord knows it would certainly be hard for me to volunteer my money or time to a Republican campaign no matter who was running. But, open communication would have been nice. It would have been kinder for friends to simply say, "Buddy, I wish I could donate/volunteer/vote for you, but I'm a Republican and just can't." We would have completely understood that. Avoiding us or being unresponsive has genuinely felt so awful.

Look, I'm just being honest. This is a perspective you seldom get to hear about because it's rare to know someone who runs for office. Those who promised to vote and didn't, those who promised to do anything they could to help and didn't - that hurt. We could have used your help. Sam could have used your vote. And I implore you to change - get out there and become more active. It's not that we are spying on you, but candidates pay for access to Voter Activation Network (VAN) where information is given about the elections you have voted in (what year, what primary). They can't see what you voted, but they can see which primary (Democrat or Republican). That information is so helpful in informing how candidates proceed - whether they knock on your door or reach out to you on a phone bank call. We didn't think we were going to have to phone bank our own friends! But, lack of motivation to get out there and vote for a friend frustrated us, and as I'm sure you can imagine when people told us they voted and there is proof they didn't, it's hard to reconcile that. We have felt so defeated by that.  On the other hand, there have been Republican family members and friends who actually showed up for Sam. They know Sam and know he would represent them well, even if they didn't typically support the same type of policies. They knew Sam would listen, and they knew he is a man of integrity and decency. There were difficult calls Sam would make to friends he knew would certainly be unwilling to support him, but he did it anyway. One Republican friend responded to Sam's request for a donation with: "Of course I'll donate! What good is money if you can't use it to help friends?"

Sam's candidacy meant a lot of hypothetical discussion about what our family would do if he really won the campaign in November. It was silly to think about so far in advance, because the chances of a Democrat winning this area are slim to none, but I want to believe it CAN be done. I was willing to give it a good try, and after investing so much time, money, energy, and time away from Sam, it's hard to feel good about him NOT winning - when I truly believe Sam was our district's best chance to actually win against a Republican candidate. He was winning over Republican voters in the March primary already. But, as results clearly indicate, he wasn't doing enough to motivate Democratic voters to support him.

Our efforts came to a screeching halt Tuesday night when the large majority of voters did NOT vote for Sam. That's when the anger started boiling. It wasn't so much about him not winning, it was more about the lack of voter turn out and the discrepancy between his opponent's percentage of votes vs. Sam's. All the sacrifices, and it wasn't even CLOSE. I have since learned the tactic being used by his opponent to reach out to voters - and while I don't judge the tactic itself, my mama heart really hurts for my boys who didn't have their daddy around for so many evenings and weekends because he was utilizing much more laborious efforts compared to his opponent. There was no way Sam and his team could have competed with the services being provided to his opponent, and the opposing team knew it. It's hard to stomach that, and I've cried a little at the loss of time, the hard work I witnessed, and the frustration Sam was enduring - while I was at home trying my best to hold down the fort and not scream at my three little babies who were driving me nuts during bedtime, bath time, dinner time, homework time, etc etc... while I was completely alone. Knowing what I know now only makes me feel so utterly defeated. Again, the support the opposing campaign was receiving isn't necessarily wrong or improper, I guess I just wish there was a way we could have been told that we simply couldn't get the resources they were utilizing. Would Sam have dropped out? Probably not, but I might have been able to stomach the news better and not felt so dumped on.

The thing I haven't really been able to say is that last night's victor is amazing... and if my husband weren't her opponent, I surely would have voted for her... (well, to be truthful, I wouldn't have voted in the primary at all because I never have before this year). The problem is I'm worried she can't win in November. And, that's a problem with the Democratic party. In November, when she runs against a Republican, she will have a hard time getting conservative voters to change to voting for a Democrat -just like Sam would have. A district like ours that has been red for decades is not going to switch suddenly to blue without putting a candidate in the race who is likely to win over Republican voters. That has GOT to happen, and I'm worried it won't. I wasn't as worried with Sam because I have witnessed him getting Republican votes already.  I really fuckin' want her to win. All OUR hard work will feel even more squandered if she can't pull this off. When it came to determining if Sam should even run, we honestly didn't care who won, as long as a Democrat won. Sam putting his name in the hat, at such an opportune time, seemed (and still seems) like perfect timing, but the passion was all about a Democrat helping bring back morality to Washington. And, damn, I really hope we Dems can pull that off!

Like I've said before, motivating Democrats to vote is like encouraging a sloth to run in molasses. It's nearly impossible, and you'll wait all day for it to happen, and it likely won't. We have so much to lose if that doesn't change. I don't know what to say to get you to vote, to get you to care, to get you to take action. I believe most people are Democratic-minded, but we tend to believe our vote doesn't matter or that someone else will do our bidding. That is so not true. I implore you to get more politically active, to support a cause, to fucking VOTE. Especially in this mid-term election when Republicans are banking on Democrats not showing up to the polls, we have to take the 2 minutes it takes (TWO MINUTES FOR GOD'S SAKE!) to drive to the library or rec center and SHOW UP! Make your voices heard. Educate yourself on who is running and know they could use your help - because they are dealing with SO much more than you could ever know: family and friends who turn on them, death threats, time away from their loved ones, their own financial sacrifices, and opponents who may or may not be playing fairly.

Love the Marriott sign immediately above my head.
That's the hotel where we were married.

I know I've said some pretty awful things. Truth hurts. This is my perspective, and I am not going to apologize for it. I will say that I'm whole-heartedly backing the candidate who won. I wish the outcome had been different... ehhhh, well, at least I say that today when it's still a fresh disappointment. Truth is, I never really wanted to be a political figure's wife. In more ways than not, I'm thrilled Sam lost - so I can have my husband back and my kids can have their father. My kids are too young to have Daddy gone so much - especially a daddy who shares equal responsibility and delight in raising them. We can catch up on all our shows, clean out our garage, drive with anonymity again (and not worry about the repercussions of cutting someone off!), plan a vacation, spend time with friends as a couple, and start billing clients again! Life will return to normal, and I cannot wait for that. In time, perhaps when our kids are a little older, I'll be back on the campaign trail with Sam. Who knows? Maybe next time it will be MY name on the ballot! :)
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Two and a Quarter: Knox's Newsletter

Dear Knox,
Hard to imagine that at this exact age - on this EXACT day - Banner became a big brother to Quinn. Yep, he was 2 years and 3 months old, and that's how old you are today. As my baby, though, you just seem so much more baby than he did at the time. I gotta start seeing you as the big boy that you are. You are fully conversational, although you're much more difficult to understand than your brothers were at this age because you still can't say your /k/ and /g/ sounds. You substitute other sounds for those hard to say consonants, and it makes your sentences hard to decipher at times. Eventually, I get it, and you are quite patient with me as I try to figure it out, but I hate not knowing what you are saying. I'll make a guess at what you are trying to say, and you'll say "No," very politely and then repeat it. Sometimes you think of another way to communicate it or say it, and eventually we connect, but it takes patience and persistence on both of our parts. Thank you for working with me on that! I so badly want to know what's on your mind and what you are wanting/needing.

But, I digress... it's been three months since your birthday. Three months since your last monthly update. At this age, I'll be waiting longer to write these newsletters since there aren't as many changes as there were a couple years ago. Oy... "a couple years ago" makes me wince a little bit that you're old enough to have been around "a couple years ago" already! I'm telling you - your babyhood and infancy went so very fast!

What else are you up to??

-Language, language, language! So your articulation could use some improvement, but your ideas and understanding of the language, your vocabulary, your expression, your receptive skills - all pretty amazing. Your sentences are getting longer and longer. You use up to 6 words in a sentence now. "Daddy, I want dat towel peez." "Mommy, Quinn pushed me right here."

-Banner's name is pronounced "Budun." Quinn is still "Winn." My favorite word you say is "dyenu," which you learned near Passover time, but you pronounce it "Die-hey-nu." My other favorite word you say is, "POOOSH" for push. "___ poooosh me today," "I poooosh Mommy." "Daddy's favorite expression you say is "Daddy do it." It comes out like this: "Daddy do eeet." I love it when you call Banner and Quinn "boys:" "Goodnight, Boys," "Boys, dop (stop!)," "Come here, boys!" or "Boys, budah hug (brother hug)." (I LOVE THE BROTHER HUGS!!!)

-You're very interested in potty training, but I'm not. :) I know you wouldn't be successful yet, so I'm waiting until I know it will be more seamless for you. You like to pee on the potty and have even told me at a restaurant that you want to go pee pee on the potty. You go every night before bath; you tell me from time to time that you need to go, but you don't always tell me. You poop on the potty too, but I have to try to catch you before you start going in your diaper. Your first poop on the potty was 3/22/18. Yes, I wrote that down. :) You don't like to wait on the potty for long, so sometimes I have to distract you until you sit there long enough for something to come out. I'll know when it's time to potty train you... it's not yet!

-You get pissed off pretty quickly when it comes to your brothers. You are quick to want to push them or hit them. You like to blame them even if it's not their fault. Quinn was CLEARLY across the room a couple days ago; he was dancing with me actually. But when you slipped or tripped on the floor, you stood up and began charging at him screaming, "No POOOOSH me, WINN!" I stopped you before you could hit him, as your face scrunched up with red cheeks and angry eyes. You have blamed Damon for pushing you too- when he's clearly not able to do that at his age (11 months).

-Speaking of Damon, you spend quite a bit of time with him at Grandma's. I've been helping take care of him twice a week - the days you are not in school. So, you come with me and have enjoyed spending time with him and Grandma. Damon adores you... he lights up when he sees you and wants to see what you are doing all the time. You treat him nicely most of the time, saying "Hi, DEEMEEN" or sharing your toys. From time to time, you swat at him or hit him on the head with a toy... a rite of passage for all the cousins apparently. You think about him a lot. In fact, whenever I shush you or your brothers, you immediately say, "Deeemeeen seeping?" (Damon sleeping?) If I say no, Damon's not here, you say "Hayla's seeping?"  (You pronounce her name more like "Halla" as if confusing her with challah.) :)

-Random thoughts: You adore My Gym. You love to go to the boys' soccer games - even if you don't really watch the games. You just like to go see "soccer ball." You like to wave to Banner on the playground if we come home from school during his recess time. You go to school WONDERFULLY in carpool now! You continue to tell me that ****** bit you - it happened once, and you still bring it up - much like Quinn tells me how ****** pulls his hair, which happened two years ago! Oy. You are working on your counting and do pretty well once you get 1, 2, 3 on your own. Sometimes you'll say "One, three, two" and know something is not right. You know all your colors very well. You LOVE to dance still, and now LOVE to sing. Your favorite songs to sing are from The Greatest Showman; you like to sing the last word of every line of nearly every song on the soundtrack. You like to read before you go to bed, and you get very disappointed if we don't have time for books.

-You don't have any close friends yet - just your cousins really, but you play very nicely with your buddies at school, and your big brothers' friends dote on you. I can hear Bar or Landon in my head saying, "Knoxy! Hi, Knoxy!!!" as they try to tickle you or chase you.

-Your schedule typically goes like this: Wake up around 7:30 (you enjoy hanging out in your crib for a bit before you get up, which I want to thank you for!). School at 9:00 until 12:50 three days a week. Lunch around noon. Nap around 1:30, and I wake you by 4:00 if you are still asleep. Dinner at 6:00. Bath around 7:00, and bed by 7:45ish.

-You are wearing 2T clothing pretty comfortably. Your pajamas would be better at size 3T in my opinion, but you love your Elmo, Big Bird, Oscar, Cookie sets as well as your Star Wars and your SpiderMan sets. I'll have to go through clothes soon! You're so tall for your age, so your little pajamas ride up to to your knees sometimes.

Knox Morgan, our days are so fun, and you are such a special, sweet, affectionate, loving boy. You are growing up big in big ways, and it's only going to get faster. I know your nights in your crib are numbered . . . both of your brothers were either already in or just about to be in big boy beds. Your days in diapers are soon to be over. Your language will continue to boom. The Paci Fairy isn't that far off in the distance - she's been eyeing your (FOUR!) pacis when she brings Banner's tooth money, or so I've heard. Three months from now, I'll be writing your half-birthday newsletter, and I know my baby will be even more grown up in many ways. I'm trying to savor these sweet days with my toddler so little, but you're just ready to be such a big kid already. In my head, you are still so little and needy, but in reality, you really aren't! You are one smart, thoughtful, funny boy, and I couldn't be more pleased to be your mommy.

Happy Quarter-Birthday, Baby Love!
I love you so very much!
Love,
Mommy

4 and a HALF: Quinn's Newsletter

Dear Quinn,

Happy half-birthday, My Love! I’m writing this letter to you from a cabin in the woods in Missouri. You’re sitting on the couch with Banner and Daddy, and I’m writing away on the computer at Big Cedar Lodge. We are taking a vacation from our everyday life and enjoying some time together after Daddy’s primary election for US Congress. While he is moving on to a run-off election in May, this break is a good time to just unwind, spend some down time together as a family, and just reconnect with each other after months of crazy schedules and being kinda all over the place. I just love my time with you. You’ve gotten to be a little feisty lately – tantrums and arguments and defiance. It seems you get this way every spring, just trying to assert yourself and what you want. Truly, if you look back at the past three springs, you seem to give your defiant side a little test drive. In the toddler class, it was the semester you went around saying, "I'm a bad guy!" and run way ahead of the class. In the two's class, it was trying out some new phrases or defying your teachers, like when Ms. Robin told you to stop singing "Oh My God, look at her butt! Oh my god, look at Alma's butt..." and asking one of the teachers if she was upset she didn't have a penis. This year, it's been being quite silly and loud with your group of 9 boys in your class. At home, you're definitely trying to keep up with Banner's big boy persona. 

You’re not afraid to dish it back out to Banner when he treats you horribly. You hit, punch, or kick back – which often leads you straight to time-out, but I’m also kind of proud of you for standing your ground and standing up for yourself. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to do – testing my limits, yelling at me for what you want, and getting pissed off when I don’t let you win the power struggle. Ultimately, you know why Mommy wins or why you aren’t getting your way, but you don’t go down without a fight.

Yet, underneath all this attitude and challenge you present when you want your way, you are one of the most caring, compassionate boys I've ever known. Your empathy for others, your thoughtfulness and generosity do not go unnoticed by so many people - especially me. The time that stands out to me the most is the night Banner was scared in his room. He had accidentally hit me with his knee, and I went out of the room to go get ice, and while he was scared without me there, you were by his side in his bed saying, "You have to be strong. Don't be scared. Just like the cave people, they were brave even when there was a dinosaur roaring at them. They had to be mighty, not like a mouse. They never gave up. Let's practice: 1. Don't be scared. 2. Be mighty. 3. Be strong. Mommy's counting on you. God's counting on us. And every Jewish is scared and crying, God is counting on them. He's counting on you right now. Do you want to hold my hand? Don't go get Mommy. Be strong. Be brave like me."  Later, when I told you how proud of you I was for being so kind and helpful to Banner, you said, "I know. I'm a kind person and nice to people. I'm brave too. I'm a counselor like you." Oh, my heart! You really are!

You often put yourself before others - giving Banner or Knox their share before you take yours, letting others have their way or their choice first. You use polite words, usually asking kindly and waiting patiently. In fact, there are times when you have asked me for something - like your morning milk, and I'll be busy with something else but have told you I'll get it in just a minute... when many minutes pass and you are patiently waiting and remind me when I ask you what you need: "Remember? I asked you for my milk." Oh yes! Of course! And there are times when you are quietly finishing your breakfast or using the restroom or getting yourself dressed or looking at a book, when your big brother and little brother are demanding my attention. I'll peek off at you - and there you are just doing your thing, not needing a thing and taking responsibility for whatever you need.

You are joyful most of the time - loving school and being with your friends. In fact, you were upset on Friday when you couldn't go to school to celebrate Ms. Danielle's birthday with her... instead we were leaving for our trip. So, of course you got dramatic and upset, because when you're not joyful, you are in despair - throwing your head back and cringing your face. "Now I'll never get a piece of her birthday cake!" When I try to reassure you, you come up with some reason why it's the end of the world. Like, "But it's your half birthday, and we can get a piece of cake to celebrate YOU!" your response is, "But they don't even HAVE CAKE IN MISSOURI!" with giant tears in your eyes and anguish written all over your face. You can also lose it completely and throw yourself onto the ground - like you did last week when Daddy went into your room to pick out your clothes, you just threw your longer-by-the-day body on the hallway carpet and said, "BUT I WANTED TO DO IT!!" as you sobbed into the floor. Luckily, you easily respond to a hug and talking it through. You just often feel that the end of the world has come and are quick to cry about whatever is slightly bothering you. 

The other day while flying kites on our trip here at Big Cedar, you were frustrated that your kite wasn't flying as well as Banner was getting his to fly. You demanded he was cheating and it wasn't fair. I think you believed he was flaunting it (which he may have been), and when his kite came down, you stormed over to it and began trying to destroy it. Banner got angry at you, of course, and then he started pushing you. So, we ended our trip and as you got in the car to head back to our cabin, you wailed, "THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE!" 

You crack me up - even when you are pissed and frustrated. Your feelings are worn so clearly all over your face and your body. You are the epitome of anger when you are in a rage - with fists tight and red face with clenched teeth before you pounce on whoever you are pissed at. We have been working a lot on "box breathing" and long breaths in and out. Those help you a lot and you use them VERY nicely. You are a counselor's dream!! Often taking advice and suggestions to help yourself calm down Because you really do want to do better, feel better, know better. 

I am so proud of you, Quinn, for all you are doing! You are quite the fast soccer player - calling yourself Flash as you run down the field as quickly as you can. You are a bit afraid of the ball and afraid to get in the game as much as I know you really want to, but you are not afraid to hustle down the field faster than most of the other players. You are a strong swimmer! More and more you have control of the water and knowing how to maneuver your body through it. You take direction from your teachers at Montgomery very nicely and are encouraged when you get your ribbons for meeting new skills. You know you are a smart boy with creative ideas! You love learning Hebrew and thrive with the vocabulary you learn. You are learning to read and get upset when we run out of time to practice. You have grown so much as a reader in the past several weeks - reading through Dick and Jane books and getting faster and more confident in your skills. You are enjoying writing your letters and have begun understanding math concepts more and more, too. You want me to quiz you on math facts like I do Banner, although you don't quite get everything he does at this point. Oh, and you have the most thoughtful questions - often times in the middle of the night. In fact, here is a sampling of some of your questions and comments you will get out of bed to come address after midnight: "Do boys have to marry girls?" "Are jelly beans real candy?" "I had a talk with God. We talked about fish."

You LOVE mazes, sticker books, and screen time. You aren't a big eater - still wanting to like sweets more than you really do. But when you love something - you take your time eating it. You love your morning milk - and anytime you can ask for more you will throughout the day. You hate to have your toenails clipped, but if it means you get to have them painted afterward, you are more than okay with the pedicure. It's not unusual for you to have your fingers and toenails painted - or at least bits of polish left several weeks later because you won't let me take it off. You still love cuddles. You like our Friday Family Film Fests, you hate to have your hair combed - but if you do let me do it, you have to see a "wave" (curls) to like it, and you still claim you want to be a jokester when you grow up. You make up your own jokes - and they are rarely funny - but you deliver them with pizzazz! You do have a great memory for the jokes you've learned from others or joke books, and those ARE really funny, but I don't think you really "get" them! You love to cook. You won't let me leave the room for the night without singing L'chi Lach. You often mispronounce words, and when I correct you - you laugh it off and tell me that you want to say it how you want to say it - but you secretly like to know the real way to say a word. For instance, you say "ak least" instead of "at least," "lemolade" instead of "lemonade," and all of favorite: "Chifilay!" instead of "Chick-fil-A." You still have the most adorable inability to say your /r/'s - but they are progressing. "Car" is no longer "Cah-ee" - but it's now "Cahh." Your brother is still "Bannah," and you are still "Quinn Wedding!" Oh, I just want to scoop you up and gobble up that cuteness. My little squish!!

So much of you at four is everything I want to bottle up and capture - knowing that all too soon I'll forget the sound of your 4-year-old self, the feel of your baby-soft pudge you still wear on your hands, and the feel of your whole body laying across my lap. You are one sweet little boy, in so many ways. Your bright blue eyes just light up and pull anyone around you right in to your gorgeous face. Your silly expressions and matter-of-factness is too much sometimes. You overuse the word "actually" and it's awesome. You adore your time with your cousins - specifically Nami and Levi and had a BLAST with them during winter break's Camp Gan Izzy. You are so okay with being stereotypical "all boy" one minute (fighting with swords, pretending to be a Ninja Turtle or Flash, aggressively tackling Banner or chasing Knox) and then a "girly" boy - wanting to put my eye-shadow on in the mornings while I'm getting ready for work or sporting your apron to cook up something in your Easy Bake Oven with your pink mixer or wanting to choose a nail polish color pattern or wanting to be a Mommy one day. I love that you know what you want and embrace who you are. I hope that never changes! (In fact, I hate even writing any of that out to draw any attention to stereotypes, but it helps to explain all the various things you are in to and how much I love you for NOT having the idea that you can't be whatever or whoever you want.) 

Oh, my Quinn Redding! We are middle children, you and me. We don't want to hurt others' feelings. We are often overshadowed by our big and little siblings. We often want to be the peacemakers, we can snap easily when we are tired of being patient, and we don't want to be the center of attention until we are ready - and then we really want to be the center of attention! I never felt any "middle kid syndrome," but I'm very aware of how difficult it is to parent a middle child now. It's hard to make sure we aren't giving your brothers too much attention and overlooking the meat in this sibling sandwich. You are so self-sufficient at such an early age, and your language skills have always been so far ahead of any kid your age! It's hard to remember just how little you still are. You so want to be your big brother's peer, and you often get lumped in with Banner - allowed to do things he was never able to do at 4. Yet, you love when you can go to story time with Knox, or enjoy a My Gym class with him. It's hard to be the middle kid - not really ever knowing if you're a big kid or a little kid. But I want you to know you don't have to pick. You just be you. You are SO good at that. And no one ever could be you. You are the only one in this universe just perfect for the job! 

Months ago you said to me one night, "Why do you always tell me you love me? I already know. You don't need to tell people over and over again! Mothers love their sons, and the sons know, okay!?" My response was and will remain: I will never stop telling you how much I love you. It is my right, my privilege, and my honor to be able to tell you that as many times as I possibly can! So, here goes another time: I love you more than I could ever possibly tell you!

Happy half-birthday, my four-and-a-half-year-old Quinny Quinn!
Love,
Mommy

Your typical face of anguish when you irrationally freak out about something. This is four. I think you were upset that Banner was faster than you getting downstairs - or that "They don't have cake in Missouri!" or "I wanted to go with Daddy to get the donuts!" who know!?!

But you quickly turned back into your joyful self!

Happy Half!

FLASHBACK through the last 6 months... some of my favorites:

Fishing on Zaide's boat

Mother/Son Dance

Yesterland Farm

You with your class Shabbat friend, Puppet

Great Wolf Lodge

Candlelight

Block Walking for Daddy's campaign

First thing in the morning - I was getting ready for work

Hanukkah

First ice skating 

Open House at your school

Women's March in Dallas

Giggles Galore at Bath Time!

Club FOUR year old!